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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:14:22 PM | | I very much so agree. I have a 3 year old and i had a choice when i found out his dad was moving back to California (when he got out of the military )to either stay in hawaii where i've lived all my life and where all my family is or move to california so my son could know who his father is and have a relationship that lasts more then a few months. keep in mind my childs father and i at this point were no longer together which was for the best. i did a lot of thinking and decide to make the move for the sake of my child and his future ive seen too many kids grow up with out a father figure in their life and with out that male influence young boys usually dont do so well. California was a difficult place to adjust to on my part especially not knowing anyone but i've managed and now ive been here for almost 4 years and my son has the male influence he needs. Ladies if u have a child and the dad is not a drug addict and wants to be apart of that childs life reguardless of the way u feel about him if hes a decent to good guy who wants to try dont stop him it will only affect your child | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 1:01:51 AM | | i also agree that kids need a male role in there life i have three young kids there dad however has nuthing to do with them so i am a single mum raising my 3 kids by myself... its hard to see my kids cry and hurt cause belive me it tears me apart my kids have no father in there life but as they say life goes on wat can u do.... | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 1:42:04 AM |
Let's have a meeting of the minds on this one guys and gals.
I have taken a few lumps with respect to this issue in recent times from single mommies but I do honestly believe this topic merrits intelligent discussion.
I say one way or another, a boy or girl needs a male figure in their life....A positive one of course.
A truely well rounded and totally complete kiddo cannot hatch from a single woman ever or man for that matter. In my humble opinion, those kids miss out on some fundemental things.
A few years ago I would have argued the point with that one, but lately my opinion on that one is starting to change, but I don't just think it is boys who need a father it's girls as well, my kids aren't bad kids, my son, i'm having a few problems with his behavior at the minute, he gets treated no different to my daughters, so I don't know if it's his age or what, he's well behaved outside the house and at school, but with family and my friends he's arrogant mannerless little sod, his tantrums are unreal, and I don't know how to deal with it at the minute, he gets disaplined the same way my girls do, so what am I doing wrong. His father showed up recently with his stepson, who he has adopted and my sons behavior has changed more or less over night. any advice would be greatly apricated, | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:23:29 AM | | hey im a single mum of 1 and my son has no male figure in his life. His dad walked when he was 5weeks and i havent seen him since and i have no family of my own so it is just me and my son and i happen to think he is turning out ok as he is | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:52:39 AM | i agree that any child boy or girl should have love from both parents but you cant force the father into his childs life and if you can will it be good? probably not so as a single mother of a young boy 1 month old i will do fine raising a great man without his father around and yes it would be nice if he was there but sometimes things are the way they are i dont think he will grow up lacking anything. children need LOVE weather its from both parents or 1 parent  | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:00:16 PM | | Personally, I feel that ALL kids need both a mother and father......wether it be a "father-figure", like an uncle, grandfather, friend-of-the-family, etc. My sons are 11 and 8, and my eldest has wanted to move in with me for 3 years now, and I am almost in the position where I will be able to take him money-wise. But, if I go for custody of him, I will go for BOTH......I don't agree with seperating children. JMO | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:01:46 PM | | It isn't about need,it is about a "dream"...of a world w/o alcoholism,w/o divorce,etc. I agree with you about MY mother and father not being together was probably better for us the kids,but at 9yrs old,it wasn't my responsibility to develop a good relationship with my stepdad,it was his. On that note,my marriage for example...no alcohol,just a bad relationship. Was it good to get a divorce? I don't believe it was. Most(about 60%) of divorces are for stupid,selfish reasons. Sometimes we do things,not because we want to do them,but what is best for our kids. My happiness is secondary to my kids being happy,and who knows after two people mature in their relationships,maybe they can learn to deal with each other. "Til death do us part"...what part of that phrase does it mention "divorce"...no part. Most people don't want to just stick it out and the kids are the losers for OUR selfish desires...that is right,most divorces are for SELFISH DESIRES,whether it be sex,money,fame,whatever. Kids do need a mom and a dad and anything else is just second best. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/27/2007 11:09:18 PM | I am so glad you are WRONG, iamtheone39, that blood is thicker than water. After my first husband managed to get me pregnant holding me down and raping me in front of his friends, I was pretty determined he WAS NOT going to be a part of my child's life. Most men have sufficient sperm cells to create babies, most women have sufficient egg cells..........anyone can donate a sperm or egg to the cause. They don't mean squat unless they actually love and care for the child.
All children (NOT just boys) need positive influences in their lives, male and female, but they do not have to be parents. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/28/2007 12:46:25 AM | Hey iamtheone39
Sorry to say this, but you're wrong about the kids being the "losers for our selfish desires". I'm damn happy my parents are divored. If they were still together, I might end up like my cousins on my dad's side. Getting into trouble with the police, dropping out of school, getting pregnant at an early age. What does this have to do about having a father around you might ask? If the mother left, she would have had help with her family, but because she stayed, her husband controlled her and screwed up the kids. Divorce would've been the best thing for my cousins, but we'll never know will we. My dad is alot worse then my uncle, same mold and everything.
What's vows got to do with how the boys/girls growing up? People get married for the wrong reasons, yeah...we all know that. People get divorced to correct those wrong reasons. It's not selfish to get divorced. That's what I understand from your post.
You should never "stick it out" for the kids. What are you teaching them as they get older? Be with someone who makes you feel like crap until your kids are 18 years old? Get real. My mom was alot happier when she and my dad separated. And me and my sister were alot happier and felt safe. We knew we were loved again. It's not healthy for children to see their parents argue and fight, then they'll think you're fighting because of them (which one day it'll be true). Children need to know love, and the only way they'll learn about love is through their parents...not the love from parents to parents.
You brought up the vows of better and for worse...the preacher also talks about you love your wife/husband first, then your children...that's what the ring represents...love as a full circle from the parents and then to the children. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/28/2007 7:49:25 AM | I am not a POF best but I truly agree a boy and girl need a male figure in their lives. I am going through a rough time at the moment with a 15 yr and 16 yr old boy and girl and they are taking me to my limits let me tell you. My parents are passed and I have no family here and their father was deported back to his own country last year so they have no male figure in their lives. I feel like I have lost total control of them and I know it would be so much different if they had a male role model . I have been trying for years.....they have been without a father for 7 yrs and without a male role model for the past 4 years since my dad passed and their behaviour would not have escalated so much thru the years and get to this point if they had some kind of male role model in their lives....It truly makes a difference at least I think so.
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/28/2007 7:32:32 PM | I agree that boys do need a male role model, and girls a female. BUT and that is a big but, genetics does not mean a good role model PERIOD. I am not disrespecting "dads" only, as there have been very poor mothers in this world also.
Yes a child will always crave "the happy home" with mom and dad, but reality is sometimes it is just not good. In my case it would have been not only unsafe for me but my child as well. Do I or did I put dad down? No . A child grows up to learn on his or her own exactly what the absent parent is about all on their own, and I dont believe we need to put parents down just because the relationship wasnt good.
Could go on here but I think I made my point, least I hope I did. No disrespect to mom's or dad's----->sometimes the child is better off with a big brother or big sister. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/28/2007 7:38:56 PM | | I"m sure it does make a difference of having a father figure. I think it all depends on the mother.If the mother is strong enough and knows how to handle the kids in the beginning, I think it'll be ok. I turned out ok while I see teenagers running wild over their mothers. My nephew and neices need their daddy since my sis can't handle them. I don't agree with children needing a father...alot of children grow up to be good people without a father. I do believe having a father figure is very positive for the children. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/28/2007 8:12:08 PM | | Glad to know,onlychild that you turned out "OK",but you know,I want my kids to be better than just OK...the poster before yours stated some very good points in expressing her problems with her teenage kids. Fathers can help these problems,let me reiterate that statement,GOOD Fathers can help these problems. I understand what your saying onlychild in some sense,but your just stating "exceptions" not the majority. We all know that good kids come from good families,not alcoholic or drug user families. I know I don't have many of the strengths I should portray growing up in a divorced home. I am not saying for a mother to live with an abuser or manic parent,but what I am saying is that a marriage is more than it has become,a "test drive". Marriage is what holds the families in the world together and we are just beginning to see the repercussions of the 50/50 divorce rate in America now. Murder,rape,and other crimes are on the rampage in this world. Anyone would be unfounded to say we don't need the "dads" of the world...the sad part is that the men have become the weaker sex...not being examples and committed to the role he was supposed to take on,the Father. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/28/2007 9:34:23 PM | Kinda curious, what's the stats of children with/without fathers...how well they turn out, what their futures become, that sort of thing. I did a google search and was surprised to see how many famous people didn't have their fathers over the years. Some did however have some kind of father figure. I always find it funny how so many people think children need both parents. I'm not saying all children don't need them.
By ok, I have a great family, good job that I enjoy doing and like going to everyday, nothing is rented, bought everything I own and have (not counting the house though..lol). I wouldn't say this is because of how I was brought up, this is the life I wanted and worked hard for. If my dad was here over the years, I don't know where I would be.
I hope the fathers that have children are there for them because it sure helps them become better people. I know quite a few people that didn't have their fathers growing up and they turned out good.
I'm curious to know why this thread was started in the first place. Does he have children and is he having troubles being with them due to the mother? What brought this topic up in the first place?
Don't get me wrong since it is a good topic to discuss since there's so many different opinions. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 1:00:20 AM | I was raised by a single mother and all my male figures were abusive ***holes...and guess what? I am very well rounded, thank you. And complete. I don't feel I missed out on anything just because my father wasn't in my life. When he was in my life, he wasn't any good. I did just fine. What would my father have taught me that my mother couldn't? Not a damn thing.
I am also a single mother to a son because my son's father skipped out because he wasn't ready. Guess what? My son's father was raised by his mother AND his father and look how well rounded and complete he turned out.
It's nice to have both figures in a child's life, but no they are not missing out on anything if they don't. As long as the parent or figure they have in their life is loving and well rounded themselves. You can have both parents in your life and they both be messed up and then you end up messed up. What good has it done by having both figures in your life? | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 1:22:33 AM | To iamtheone39:
First off, the divorce rate 50/50 is not true. It's spun. But that's a different thread.
Secondly, you commented on the poster before onlychild and how she was talking about how her teens are having problems and you say that a good father could help with those problems. NO. Teens are teens. There isn't a teen I have met, now or even when I was teen, that wasn't problematic at some point. I was a terrible teen. My friend's were terrible teens. It's called hormones. It's called learning to live life. It's call life, period. My best friend could have been called a "good teen", because she did everything she was suppose to even though she home life sucked and she didn't get into any trouble, but once she got out of that home and was able to think for herself, didn't have to answer to someone, and was free...she became a troublesome adult. We all get into trouble. We all have our moments in life where we are just hellish. Whether it is when we are pre-teens, teens, or adults. It's gonna hit us all. The fact that that lady is having problems with her teens has nothing to do with the fact that the father is gone. Even if he were still there, the teens would still act up. They got a mind of their own and they are using it. They have feelings and don't know how to express them properly. You have to learn how to express your feelings properly and most of us do not learn that from our parents. We learn it somewhere else. Teens and parents don't mix. Even father. Periods. So that has nothing to do with nothing.
Third, men have always been the weaker sex. We women just let you think you are strong. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 1:48:35 AM | Hey, think of this...all those kids shooting up students in schools...most of them had fathers living with them. The last guy to shot up VT grew up with both parents. Those Columbine shootings the same thing. But wait, that's right...they watched the Matrix and got the idea to shoot students from the Basketball Diaries. I forgot.
Here's something else I read...someone claims to do a study on gangs, and said that alot of those teenage gang members had no fathers. But after saying that, maybe it's also because their mothers are either crack addicts or maybe they have 2 or 3 jobs to raise the kids.
Something to think about. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 2:57:45 AM | | I'm amazed a troll (the op) has been given so much credit with response but yet here i go adding to it. My friend grew up watching her father beat her mother. Her mother is now remarried to the guy my friend calls "dad" even though she keeps the biological guy in her life. I once asked her why she keeps him around even though he beat her mother and constantly treated her like less than her half siblings.. "because he's my father" was the only reply she could come up wiht. Do kids need a father? sure i agree they do. Do i agree that all sperm donors fit the description of "father" nope. A kid growing up watching mommy get beaten up by daddy learns that it's ok because mommy puts up with it it leads to either abusing or finding an abuser of your own. That kid is better of without a male sperm donor in his life and nothing will convince me otherwise. When it comes to parenting you really can't sterotype anything. it just doesn't work that way. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 4:18:32 AM | What isn't helping anyone to see anything valid in this thread and many others is this.
I am not like that so the statistics can't be true.
Either " i was raised by a single mom and i am okay means your lying."
Or Just look at this example, it means the stats can't be true so your argument means nothing.
It is very tiresome to read over and over and over. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 5:23:03 AM | | what statistics spider? One man i know who was raised in a house full of women with no father has nothing but amazing respect for women. Statistics can be swayed in any way for any bias. Pick up a psych textbook before you quote anything at me. men with absolutely no male figure in their life end up turning out not ok. but any male figure, not necessarily a biological father is all that has been proven is needed in a life. Does anyone disagree that the best thing is a two parent household with one of them being a stay at home parent? no. do people who don't come from that end up messed up in some way? possibly but not necessarily for that reason. The Op seems to be arguing that without a same sex PARENT you're screwed for life. that i disagree with. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 6:35:57 AM | The thing I find most hilarious is when children of single parent homes state, "I turned out super-fantabulous, it didn't affect me.", yet they are a single parent themselves.......did you ever think your ability to find a "normal" relationship has been affected and that you will be passing down this lovely trait to your children? Just because you aren't hooked to the end of a crack pipe doesn't mean you turned out perfect.
As for the 50/50 divorce rate "myth".
40% of all marriages end in divorce. 24% of all marriages end in less than 15 years. The average length of a marriage: 14 years 73 days.
-2003 StatsCan | |
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Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 72 | |
| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 6:48:44 AM | On the "stats" band wagon East Coaster?
You crack me up. On hear as "Not single and not looking".
Is yours "East Coast boy has nothing to do out here in buck f*** Maritimes"?
I don't have enoufh room to cut and paste all my "stats" on the messed up minds of the East Coasters. Have you ever heard of " On South Mountain"? Lots of problems that would cause the need for someone to resort to single parenting out there.......one main reason, wife leaves husband who has been molesting children. Look up the stats on the hush hush problem that the Maritimes has kept swept under the rug.
White churches on every corner down their......probably to try to pray for their "problems". So, since you are a single father, what is your deal? Why are you a single dad now? Things manifest themselves deeply in children and show up in other ways as adults.
We all need help in some way. Just wonder what your disorder of the day is......... | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 6:51:14 AM | I'll chime in with those who say that a biological father is not a necessity, just a good role model. I have a friend whose fiance cheated on her when he went away to attend school. He comes back every couple of years to "see" his son, and spend the rest of the time b*tching about what he thinks she's doing wrong while raising him. He's no more of a father to that little boy than the postman (and he sees him more often). She's found a wonderful man to share her life with...someone who gets down and dirty in the mud with her son. He helps him with his homework, spends time letting the little guy (almost 9)kick his butt on the playstation, and does all the normal daddy stuff with him. He even lets him call him dad because he desperately wanted to have one and be like everyone else.
A blood link is not enough to claim father status. Unless someone is actively involved they don't deserve the title. So no, a BIOLOGICAL father is not a necessity. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 1:46:53 PM | Just to help you out on your insults;
Its "here" not "hear" and its "butt" not "buck", when you insult incorrectly, guess who looks like the trailer trash?
You seem obssessed with my profile as this would be the third thread you've commented on it. I'm heartbroken you're not attracted to it. 
I like how you group eastcoasters, guess thats "single minded, single mother trying to comment on thread but can't". Your ignorance about my area shows, even though you claim your family originates from there........perhaps they could educate you.
What "my deal" is I don't claim to be the holier than thou, my shyte don't stink, single minded creature who thinks her opinion is the end all and be all that seems to permeate these threads..........I can picture your finger wagging even as you read this.
I'm first to say.......living in a single parent home for a time affected me and my ability to form a good relationship. Will it make it impossible? No. But I don't claim it was the greatest thing to happen to me in the world. | |
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| Boys need fathers...Period
Posted: 4/29/2007 2:10:17 PM | I can't believe I stepped into this forum as my very first forum. Wayyyyyyyyy too sensitive a subject for me.
I have a wonderful daughter who I cherish and adore, contribute to her life, to her learning, to her growth as a person, her development of values, financially, physically and emotionally present whenever I can be. There isn't a waking moment that goes by when I'm not thinking about her and her welfare. I have to fight tooth and nail to be a part of her life though, because her mother, her grandparents, and sometimes I feel the state would love to ship her off to Arizona (we're in Washington currently) and cut me out of her life entirely.
Bottom line: Mothers (or Fathers) who push their counterparts out of their children's lives suck. Children have the RIGHT to a positive, interactive relationship with both their biological parents. Study after study has shown that they benefit greatly with both parents' involvement.
That having been said, parents who abdicate their role/responsibility as a parent suck as well. Its their loss entirely. | |
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