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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:21:24 PM | dave i agree, the kids seem to take role of the other part of relationship... kids should be the kids and one should rememebr that after the kids grow up .. where will the second place partner be then? first priority or long gone? I am not a mom who puts me and men before my kids I have raised them quiet well and they are almost out of high school, I never let them be abused or treated unkindly, however, I would not always automaticly just make them tops dog either.. kids are kids adults are adults... old fashioned worked well once... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:32:34 PM |
So does anyone else feel that this particular wording is a red flag of what to expect if you engage in a relationship, a bit of a turn off or I am reading this wrong? Do women who HAVE children of there own take this differently than women without kids? Is it necessary to make it the focal point of a profile and why ? Just curious ...
Well OP, I find that a red-flag. I don't date, yet when I did, that statement alone would have detoured me.
As a Mother, it's obvious that children are always the top priority, I see no need to overstate the obvious. AND, I see no need to battle with someone who can't put the women in his life EQUAL with his children. No need to waste time there, at least from where I used to be. Oddly, I refused to date men with children for this very reason. I have noticed that quite a few other men and women are starting to take that stance. It's not hard to find datable men and women who don't have children, so I just stopped trying to get along with the ex's and children. Like it or not, it's not a good sign when you know from first meeting that you won't be equal with someone's past. You'll be an additive, but not a member of the family. At least that is how I view that statement.
Kat  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:33:05 PM | | So .... if " YOUR world REVOLVES around your children " and you would " drop a potential partner if your child did not get along" ...... are you sure you should be on a dating site at this point in your life? Assuming you feel this strongly and you also have a job,pets,family,other hobbies does anyone else really have much of a chance? Guess the potential mate would be coming in around 5 th place .... I wouldnt feel like this person has enough time to go around. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:48:24 PM | OP,
You got it... Subliminely(sp) thats what theyre saying.
Thats one of those statements like:
I love to laugh
I like to have fun
..........................Well DuH...
Another good one is:
*Im Career oriented and stay busy but would MAKE time for the *Right Guy*....
but, ultimately I think its an attempt to let the guys know that *beware, I have other priorites.*.... unnecessarily in my IMHO. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:58:46 PM | I dated a guy I met online a few years ago who made it quite clear to me that his daughter came first, which quite honestly I thought it would be weird if she didn't. But over time I was to learn that his daughter coming first meant that he couldn't be online during the week that she was with him, because she didn't like him to be on the computer. During the week that she was with her Mom, he had to stay home two nights to get the laundry and housework done, because he couldn't do it when she was there, because she didn't like him to clean. Many times we would have plans on a saturday to go golfing or up north for the day, but then plans would change because she wanted a certain CD or toy, so we had to shop for it instead of following through with our plans. To me this was a bit much!!!
But having said that, I have children who are older, and independant, so it's not like they need me all the time, but if one had an emergency while I was out on a date, you can be sure that I'ld be going to my children rather than staying with my date.
In my world....I am my priority...and have always been like this. I learned that if I wasn't happy and healthy in mind body and soul, my kids wouldn't be either. So I was always the most important person in my life!
I don't really care one way or another if someone feels the need to make this statement in their profile, but I don't really think it's necessary. If I didn't understand it as a parent, it might be a bit of a red flag for me, but to each his own. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:05:54 PM | | I don't see an issue with that. If someone states that it is to make it clear that no if ands or buts about it the kids come first. I find that people without kids don't understand this as clearly as those with..it's like a light comes on when you finally do understand. People with kids have different priorities and time lines, schedules, sometimes even likes/dislikes, wants needs..so on and so forth. I didn't get it when I was dating a man with kids why he couldn't just bring his kids with us, or I hang out with them at home..or why he couldn't find a sitter to go out with me..I could find some teen anytime back then. Well 2 kids of my own now and no freaken way I'll leave my kids with just anyone..I don't always have time for hanging out, I've figured out it doesn't always work to hang out at home, and dragging kids out is not so much fun...especially if they're cranky. Its a CLEAR SIGN a HUGE WARNING that you will undoubtedly not ALWAYS GET YOUR WAY..and that you have to be patient and understanding of the fact that they take their responsibility as a parent very seriously. Anyone who has real issues about someone making that clear obviously haven't a clue about being a parent. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:12:40 PM |
there should be balance - and an understanding between what a child wants and what a child needs. Personally, I don't want to be in a relationship where I would always come in last...sometimes a person needs to feel like the priority in a relationship...
I am just suggesting balance - between a childs wants and needs. Parents are people too with needs, right?
Children were a "part" of a person's life and ones partner was ones life.
Well said ...It's all about "balance". I have to be a priority in my Man's life. Maybe I won't be #1, but there has to be some consideration.
My boy's are grown. They aren't here to keep me company. They have their own lives, as they should. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:30:55 PM | | I respect a man that makes his children a priority. Now there is a man I care about a lot... there can be no relationship because his child is his only priority. His child rides in the front seat, I get the back. His child decides what our activity will be that day. If his child doesn't want to let's say, stop at Bk for lunch, we don't eat. If we are together without the child, child will call, and Dad drops everything, including me, and goes to child. Needless to say we don't see each other anymore because it doesn't fit the child's schedule, or wants. Funny thing I actually enjoyed my time with this man and his child. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:37:05 PM | | I wouldn't worry to much about it if I were you since your profile states your looking to date kids anyway 29? Damn where ya gonna take him? Chuckie Cheese? As far as the "come first" BS, In my book, only an issue in bed....lol I think some people do have a problem w/ kids being in the way, I like kids so it's not an issue for me unless there unruly little brats, then I may have to take a powder from that relationship. But as to take a stance that a child replaces my needs and I neglect someone who could passably be w/ me for the rest of my life? I can juggle both, but I will not take a definite stance and side on either one, I can love each. The people who take a stance are Psycho, they have no life. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:47:43 PM | If you are a custodial parent your children ARE your top priority. Some may feel it is necessary to state the obvious.
If you are not a custodial parent and you put this in your profile there is possibly a guilt issue, or they just see it as being a selling feature. A 'Hey my marriage collapsed but I'm still a good parent' kind of thing. So many women do it that I just can't see it as a red flag. Or that is all I would see, red flags. This ain't a soccer game.
I do however, see it as a bit of a cliche, so it really loses any meaning or importance. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 7:59:19 PM | | DUSTY59 and SINCERITYSWEETNESS ...... I too have been there done that ... this is what I fear when I hear " my child is my top priority" etc.... you summed the experience up pretty much , I just dont get why someone in this position would even contemplate getting into a "relationship" ? They obviously have made the decision of how their time is spent now , similarly someone embarking on a challenging career that would demand 7 days a week or travel ect. might not be the best timing to also be starting to date , as a comparison. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:01:01 PM | Though I don't place it in my profile, as a single dad, I know that my partner has to understand that my children are a big obligation, and though I'm at a point where I can take time for me, now (and have the right to), the children can (and sometimes do) cause me to cancel plans or break dates.
The phrase is probably posted more often on single moms' profiles because most single guys don't really understand what kinds of things dating someone with kids can imply. The children come with the package, and you (if you're planning on sticking around long-term) will have your life altered by that fact. A woman without kids may very well date the 'wild' type that encourages her to stay out late, miss work, take random road-trips etc. This isn't acceptable when you have kids - the guy doesn't just have to meet your criteria, he's also gotta be someone you want your children exposed to.
The phrase gets placed in there because they've probably dated a few guys that resented having to share the spotlight with the children, and not getting her entire attention. If you're a single parent, you're gonna have to break a date or two, deal with sick kids, spend time ferrying them to soccer/tae-kwon-do/school plays, etc...
In some guys, they may very well say their career comes first, if they're in the process of building a company or new career. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want or have time for a girlfriend, it just means that she has to understand that his career will interfere, and if so, he'll have to break dates or change plans. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:08:03 PM | OP...From A Man I will tell you the reason behind the reason...
Kids come first huh?...no shit, had to really reach deep for that one...How about this...
"I want you to know my kids come first, I am a really good parent!, I shine so bright...blah blah, I want you to know I love kids, I love my kids, and because of this I am a true knight, a true man..(can you see the armor glowing?)...I believe this subtle expression to be what women what to hear so I can be seen as a deep and purposeful man..again..blah blah...did I mention I am a weekend dad?(or not)...mmmmm, yup, I am the upmost angel of dad's, and I hope by placing this shit on my profile you can see how great I really am...."
We are all (most) parents, and yes, when it really comes to tha nitty gritty, our kids come first, and so they should...But..To relay this ideal to others is an attention grab of the wrong kind, and there-fore you are correct in saying red flag........
I can really say only one thing...
dum da dum dumb....
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:10:29 PM | You know..in a nuclear family..I think the best of all worlds is when the children revolve around the nucleus (the mom and dad). But with divorce, the children must become the priority. Anyone who doesn't get this transisition is confused. A child loses their core and they need to know they're still stable..still revolving around a sun somewhere.
Certainly, a near perfect step family could replace the original nucleus, but it's very unlikely. So, the custodial parent can never stop being the nucleus. And often, in the best of situations (for the drifting children), the non-custodial parent can't either.
Honestly, would you have any respect for a non-custodial parent who decided it was best to move hundreds or thousands of miles away, essentially abandoning his chidlren? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:17:45 PM | O please Arugula...
Would you have respect for a woman that moved away from the Father's main residence?...
Blah blah....nice to drift off topic...try answering tha question... | |
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mak68
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Joined: 4/14/2007
Msg: 41 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:19:52 PM | OK so please EXPLAIN what does " children being the top priority " mean?
Raising kids is a huge responsibility. If the kids are not a top priority, then you end up with neglected kids that may, or may not, run into some kind of trouble. The parent's responsibility is to ensure the child grows up to be a responsible and productive adult. That can be a full-time job in and of itself, and sometimes a real tough full-time job too, especially for a single mom or dad.
I sometimes think that a good match for a single parent would someone whose own priority is NOT a relationship. Casual dating is OK and that would seem to work out for both parties involved. When the kids are older and don't, or supposedly, don't need as much supervision, then a single parent can place more focus on a relationship. | |
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diz73
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Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 42 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:29:04 PM | | for me, it lets someone know that i am not going to be dumping the kids on babysitters all the time just to go out with them. that my kids are IN my life 100% of the time and anyone who cant handle that might as well just keep on looking. for sure, i would be making 'alone time' as much as i could, but if someone expected me to be free for friday night dates every week, its just not going to happen at this point in time. it doesnt mean the guy would be 'second place', not to me anyway lol. i suppose its the same for some men who put that on their profile. tho of course it could be a play to the emotional side of women, but i can only speak for myself lol. i guess its stating the obvious,, but then again i know so many parents who go out every single weekend and leave their kids with umpteen babysitters just to do that - and i dont. so i put it on my profile as a 'hint' that im not going to be able to act like a single person with no kids. saying that, i have a sitter for tomorrow night haha but thats the first time in a month :) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:39:18 PM | Hi Princess,
I think men are just trying to be upfront and honest. Even the phrase "my kids are my top priority" can have many levels.
Would I cancel a date just because my daughter says, "Dad, I want you to stay home" (NO)
Would I skip a last minute business conference call with international clients to watch my son in the Christmas play. (YES!)
At the very least, it would tell you that there will be times when you're available to meet and he'll say he's busy with the kids.
I don't think it's silly or obvious in this cyber world where 90% of profiles suggest they just want an honest, communicative man! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 12:57:54 AM | It might be smarter not to even mention kids in the profile here. Who knows what whackos are schemeing. Then, when you do start messaging someone, tell them you have kids. I am turned off when someone (usually women's profiles I read) says "my children come first" etc. Ok Yeah, I know that. I hope parents dont lock the kids in a room with mac and cheese when their new fling comes over. Worse yet, watch mom and her new squeeze get drunk and fuk in the living room while kiddies watch cartoons....
And if your kids are around you 100% of the time, I'll bet your kids wish you would get a babysitter on friday nites once in a while. Even married couples hire babysitters. Just do a background check if needed. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 3:05:12 AM | I don't have children but the fact that someone stresses in their profile that their children are most important to them has never been a turn off to me. As long as they're sincere, and to the best of my knowledge they are most of the times.
If you love travelling, you'll focus on that in your profile. If you can't live without your friends or pets, you'll make sure any potential date gets the point beforehand.. so it's natural description of what our lives are about. And so that you or anyone else had an easier choice. And if it works as a turn off for you (but won't for many other girls), then maybe it works. :)
If I read in the profile, that "my children are most important to me", it means: "I love them more than myself, and don't ever try to put yourself between me and them, because I will not give them up for you". Fair to me.. :) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 3:40:50 AM | Arugula writes in msg 39,
Honestly, would you have any respect for a non-custodial parent who decided it was best to move hundreds or thousands of miles away, essentially abandoning his chidlren?
Truthisee responds in msg 40,
O please Arugula...
Would you have respect for a woman that moved away from the Father's main residence?...
I can certainly relate to that. Being the non-custodial parent I moved for better job prospects. When my son was 20 and we were having a beer together he asked why I had left the family years before. I had a surprise for him. I had kept a copy of the separation agreement, duly notarized. It clearly stated his mother wanted the separation.
Here's what I told him. "When you look back and think about the times I wasn't there for you always remember it was your mother who destroyed the family."
She went on to remarry, become an alcoholic and eventually had a stroke. Needless to say my life took a completely different path.
I have no regrets. My EX made a decision and the courts decided in her favor. Today, I get along very well with my children because, as adults, all they have to do is look at their mother's life and look at mine. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 3:56:10 AM |
Here's what I told him. "When you look back and think about the times I wasn't there for you always remember it was your mother who destroyed the family...Today, I get along very well with my children because, as adults, all they have to do is look at their mother's life and look at mine. "
Plus your children are so lucky to have such a classy person as a father. | |
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vcook
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Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 48 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 4:20:09 AM | It seems to stem from a current ideology that the children are number one in any relationship including one with the natural parents.
From experience and study the term also can hold the following problems. In our relationship my children were here first and they are more important than you will ever be, also you will not be allowed to correct my children. If problems arise between you and my children I will take their side even if they are wrong. I will give or do whatever I want for and with my children and you don’t have a say so about it. I have seen all of these in single parents. I’m not bashing them as I understand the mindset behind it. But I have seen all of these problems and more mainly from friends and family. My sister has some of these traits and it has caused her numerous problems in her marriage even though she and her husband also have a child together.
These are some of the reasons I tend or prefer not to date women with children. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 4:33:10 AM |
O please Arugula...
Would you have respect for a woman that moved away from the Father's main residence?...
No, I wouldn't.
Blah blah....nice to drift off topic...try answering tha question...
I believe the topic/questions had to deal with the statement "Explain the phrase: My children are my top priority.
I responded to that. So sorry if I somehow made you wriggle around until your panties were all knotted up. :) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 5:10:17 AM | | oh wow. this has been fun reading all this. its HARD when dating someone w/ children. YES kids are a priority, but thats a fine line too. u prioritizing spoiling them? or prioritizing them w/ school or facing the REAL world. big diff. and NO..u AINT gonna hit my kids, they have already experienced that abuse. u wanna be there to help them thru a crisis? YES...HELP me help them. just like i would for YOUR children. best i can anyways. not many think much of me cuz i am poor ((yes i have a deadbeat ex)), and i am true to myself and my beliefs. whats WRONG w/ saying grace before dinner?????? whats WRONG w/ homework w/ a quick snack before chores? and yes...CHORES do count. i work too yanno. life is NOT about ps3, cell phones, cable and puters. life is about a roof over ur head, heat, food, clothes and teaching YOUR KIDS...to be responsible. off my soap box now. | |
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