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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:13:33 PM | Scott:
The bible says to put your spouse before your children. The bible also says to stone to death anyone who believes in a different God ;)
Using the phrase "my children are my top priority" seems to weed out the men who exhibit the above type of thinking.. and I for one like that.
I would rather be accused of being too choosey or overstating the obvious than of being the type of single mom who positively drips desperation from her every pore... having no boundaries or standards, whose children have a new "dad" and set of rules for her kids whenever a man expresses an interest...
Personally, when I see that a man has children but makes no mention about their importance in his life, that is more of a turn off than a man who says they are his top priority... go figure | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:20:19 PM | " I wondered why men feel the need to state this fact?"
Because there are a lot of women out there who expect to be the 100% center of your attention at all times or they throw a hissy fit. It means you are going to be, at best, SECOND priority in the guy's life. I know we had a date but the sitter got sick so I am going to stay home. I know we had a date but the kid needs to go to the doctor, see you next time. I know we had a date but my child had a game rescheduled for today, you are welcome to come if you like ... in other words ... some women need to be told flat out that they aren't going to be the top priority. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:24:08 PM | " I wondered why men feel the need to state this fact?"
Because apparently folks on this site use profiles to determine whether or not to pursue relationships. Heaven forbid they make that decision based on actual conversations and dates. Nope, in this world a few words in your profile weeds out all the bad apples.  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/13/2008 11:58:03 PM | OP, my guess is the confusion stems from the definition of "need" and the defnition of "top priority", it appears these definitions are not consistent with every individual. As a parent, my suggestion is you ask for clarification if you are not sure what is meant. If he tells you that his children come first, better ask in what way...if it's in ALL ways then IMHO...  ...you are in for heartache and troubles in the years ahead.
Here's why...
At 21 I had my first child who I made my "top" priority in every way, I thought as a single parent that was my responsibility. I'd like to share with you some examples of what my oldest son did/didn't learn from my teaching him he was my "top" priority.
I didn't teach him that he didn't need "everything". I did teach him to demand "everything", no matter the cost (emotional/financial ect.).
I didn't teach him that sometimes whether he liked it or not that's just the way it had to be. I did teach him to expect things to be the way he thought they needed to be.
I didn't teach him to be respectful of other people's needs. I did teach him to expect all other people to make his needs their priority.
I didn't teach him that compromise and balance is what makes the world go around. I did teach him that he shouldn't have to compromise.
I didn't teach him that every member in his family unit (basically, me at that time) was as important as he was. I did teach him that he was the only important one.
What I didn't consider prior to deciding "how to raise my child as a single parent" is that in a two parent family the children are not the "top" priority...the family unit is. In combining families (or adding an additional parental role) shouldn't this mindset also be the way the family unit runs?
I have other children and I have to admit...I have learned my lesson. Now the "family unit" is the "top" priority...no one person's needs are met or considered above another's, period. Each family member has immediate needs and long term needs. Each member's needs are considered and priorities are decided based on the details of the current situation.
IMHO...Children need a stable environment, food, clothes, housing, time, love, patience and extra curricular activities (also known as outside interests) to grow into well rounded adults. Children do not "need" to be the "top priority" in all ways. If we as parents choose to make it so... are we really preparing our children for success in the "real" world?
And quite frankly, if I have to explain to a "date" beforehand that if one of my children truly needs me I will cancel...then he's going, going, GONE...yup right out of the ball park, never to be seen again! This is not prioritizing, it's called PARENTING!
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 2:21:49 AM | | most of the time men write that on there profile ,because they think woman, will fall for it, men with kids ahh how sweet, but wot there are realy say, is ha my ex has the kids, iv done my bit, let me out to play, but there is some men that do have there kids and bring them up on there own, for thows that do ,do it then i have all the time in the wourld, but there is some that just say it and dont haveing anything, to do with there kids at all , thats realy sad, for the kids | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 5:17:17 AM | Whitevanchick...I think it's fair to say that we both made a poor choice when it came to our spouses or significant other. My point is this: I have no problem with someone's child being their top priority and if I had my own child(ren), I would feel the same. But there comes a time, when the children are raised and they're out on their own and have their own lives, and that's when I would expect to be important to my spouse/SO. That's the time when we should be able to be spontaneous and do things that we enjoy and focus on each other to enjoy what life we have left.
Like you, I also wound up on the short end of that stick. When the children were through college ( on my $) and grown, my spouse told me point blank "I don't love you and I haven't loved you for many years" and left. I apologize that I sound like a b****, but that's a wound that is still painful. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad he's gone and glad I don't have to deal with that family anymore, but to put the love, time, dedication, commitment, finances and support into someone else's children and get nothing in return....is very disappointing. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 5:27:32 AM | | I will say it sounds like you read into things way too much, though i think your opinion would change quite a bit if you had kids. Though i dont currently have kids, but i know if my partner expected them to come before my kids, they would be kicked to the curb fast and hard. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 7:16:43 AM | | I would like to clarify something. I don't think many people male or female mean that anyone who becomes a long term partner will be a second class citizen. Someone you are casually dating or just getting to know is not your wife or husband, so I really don't get the religious lists that have been posted. Sure, should it turn to something serious I think most men and women would gladly give the extra effort to find some free time for you, kids or not. That said, if you messaged me today for a first meet tomorrow and my kids had something to do that requires my time, they would win. If you were my spouse you'd be going with me, happily I would hope. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 2:41:35 PM | beachesofnc......
I think once theyre adults, they are 99.9% responsible for themseves. Fair enough sometimes if Im having a crisis - like when the sperm donor treated me like crap, the first person I called was my mum. But its not all one way. I help her out too. Same with my dad. Thats what being a family is about.
Sadly, these days there are a lot of very selfish people about, and just expect things handed to them and treat people like sh*t when they dont get their own way.
Im a great believer in karma, we will be the ones rewarded in years to come and those that treat people like crap will suffer because of their actions.
What goes around........
It does make me more cautious about meeting someone, but I wouldnt rule out dating a guy with kids because of what happened with the sperm donor. But I would leave it a hell of a lot longer before agreeing to become a stepmother again.......just to be sure!
Happy fishing!  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 3:38:43 PM | I move on at the first mention of kids never mind them coming first.
A man has to ask this question:
Do I want 10% attention from a woman with kids or 100% attention from a woman without kids ? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 11:08:23 PM | I'm single with no kids although I was a step mom to 2 great kids for 12 yrs. He never said it, but yes, I always knew I came in further down (son, daughter, ex, mom, dad, MAYBE me), I tell myself I accepted it out of love, but he's my ex ultimately BECAUSE of this!
My opinion is this: I think it can be a two fold response.
There are alot of parents who "walk away" from their kids, financially, emotionally, etc. I think these people are trying to stress that they did not & will not walk away from their reponsibilities to their kids. How many single parent households are there? I would guess this means people men AND women abandon by will or by law their kids, therefore the "stand up " parent wants to stress they are the "stand up" parent.
I also think an undertone of "If it's a case of you or my kids, I choose my kids" exists.
Boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives MAY come and go, but your kids are a lifetime relationship. If I were a mom, I wouldn't choose my boyfriend over my kid, however once you get married, this line is more blurred.
It's only my opinion, but you DID ask!
Good luck in your search chickie!
JerseyBaby | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/14/2008 11:49:59 PM | | OP-I had partial custody of my daughter after the divorce, and we were very close. I paid full child support,and my time with my daughter was very valuable to me, because i knew that was a fleeting time in our lives. I had two different girlfriends who at two different times tried to come between me and my daughter-so,maybe when a guy says my child comes first,he is trying to state that he will not accept his relationship with his children being trivialized... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:24:07 AM | I once lived with a woman whose husband had died. She had two children, about 4 and 6 years old.
As the months went by, I noticed how she made sure to keep the children from getting in the way of her paying attention to me. She always made me feel as if I was important to her in her life, and never even mentioned her relationship with her children.
At the time, I appreciated this, and I stayed with her for a long time until I moved out for other reasons.
Years later, looking back on that experience, I now think differently. I feel sorry for her children and wonder how they turned out. Those kids were growing up knowing that they had only a secondary place in the life of the one person who means more to a child than anyone else - their mother.
There was never any relationship developed between me and the children. They were pretty much just an inconvenience in the life of Ann and me. So she shunted them aside, dumping them on babysitters like storing surplus furniture in a storage locker.
Now I have since then known many more women with and without children, and I think less of Ann for the way she lived. I know now that I am very glad she was never a mother of any child of mine. I would not want my child to grow up as just another pet in the household or an inconvenience in their mother's life. If a woman is to be the mother of my child I want her to be 100% their mother and live her life set on the purpose of raising them right.
I would respect Ann more highly now if she had sacrificed her own social life to tend her children. She didn't need me there, even if she imagined she did. Today I think a woman who gets pregnant should ponder the consequences pretty carefully and ask herself what her priorities will be for the years ahead.
Pregnancy is no longer compulsory. Even in religious denominations which deny birth control officially, the members do use birth control. If all else fails, abortion is legal. If a woman chooses to become a mother, let her do it seriously as if she means it. Parenthood is not a game. Human lives are at stake.
Maybe the most honest and courageous woman is the one who will say to herself: "I am going to become a parent, so I will now end my social life for all males except one who may come along and choose to become a husband and father. There is very little chance that this is going to happen, so I will accept that my life has changed. I will rely on my toys for sex life, I will cultivate a social life of another kind and give up all thought of dating until my children have grown. This is a major sacrifice, but I know people can and do make major sacrifices. Mine will be to become a total full time mother. If I am not ready to make that choice, then I will not have children."
If I were looking around considering that some woman will be my partner for making a family, maybe a woman with that kind of seriousness of purpose and commitment to excellence in motherhood would be the woman I would want. On the other hand if all I wanted was to continue the social life of a single man, then that is another choice and a quite different choice. Every choice you make has consequences. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:30:35 AM | | so harrabyman, you stay away from women with kids? thats probably a good thing if you know how you feel about being put second to a mothers child....however, what if one of these childless women you date becomes pregnant with YOUR child and has to put the childs needs first? Will you then also stay away from women with children? what if it was your child? what if your mom (maybe she did, who knows) was single and wanted to date a man who wanted nothing to do with you so she chose her boyfriend du jour over you? made you feel like you didn't matter to her as long as she had a man in her life? think from a childs perspective and see if your thoughts change. Many children in single parent homes already feel abandoned by the non custodial parent. Just think what would happen (and I know it does in many cases) if the custodial parent put some stranger's (to the child) needs above his? I think the child would grow up with resentment and be insecure. How is that fair to an innocent who just happened to be born to two parents who can't get along? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:37:32 AM | | It seems to me that it falls in the same category with "I am good looking", "I am intelligent", etc.; if you are, you don't need to say it, because someone else will. If you're not, saying it doesn't make it true. Children should come first, but you shouldn't need to say it, unless maybe you have some doubts as to its validity. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/17/2008 2:13:54 PM | fra59e:
I once lived with a woman whose husband had died. She had two children, about 4 and 6 years old.
As the months went by, I noticed how she made sure to keep the children from getting in the way of her paying attention to me. She always made me feel as if I was important to her in her life, and never even mentioned her relationship with her children.
At the time, I appreciated this, and I stayed with her for a long time until I moved out for other reasons.
Years later, looking back on that experience, I now think differently. I feel sorry for her children and wonder how they turned out. Those kids were growing up knowing that they had only a secondary place in the life of the one person who means more to a child than anyone else - their mother.
There was never any relationship developed between me and the children. They were pretty much just an inconvenience in the life of Ann and me. So she shunted them aside, dumping them on babysitters like storing surplus furniture in a storage locker. Thank you for sharing your story... you have made me realize the added reason I am so passionate about this particular topic...
Not only am I a mother who intends to put her children first and yes, say so in my profile, but I am also the daughter of parents who definately did not put their children first...
My mother dated a man who was catholic and wanted to have a perfect little family.. you know, the kind where she was a virgin and they got married and had babies all good and proper like..
Well she was a single mom raising me and my sister which did not fit this man's idealized vision of what is supposed to be... but she fell for him and he for her... so she decided to leave us entirely out of the picture... we NEVER met him and they had a relationship for several years. She even went so far as to lie to his parents... consistently claiming to have no offspring.
My father married a woman who could not have children, therefore she despised mine and my sister's very existence... living reminders of what she could not have. My father catered to this and kept us separate from his relationship with her for well over 10 years.
In BOTH cases the relationship did not work out and all parties realized and admitted that they were wrong after the fact....
But what did it matter? The years had already passed.. the message had been irrevocably transmitted loud and clear.
If I were looking around considering that some woman will be my partner for making a family, maybe a woman with that kind of seriousness of purpose and commitment to excellence in motherhood would be the woman I would want. On the other hand if all I wanted was to continue the social life of a single man, then that is another choice and a quite different choice. Every choice you make has consequences. You are clearly a deeply wise and intelligent man.. thank you for sharing your thoughts :) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/17/2008 2:51:04 PM | As parents, our kids should be our first priority. And we must also strive for a healthy balance. However, while there are some guys (and women) that don't have custody of their kids, or don't have kids and they may come off as selfish and immature, some of the actions that parents make would cause us to doubt that our children do come first. How often do we learn of child abuse by the boyfriend or girlfriend and mom/dad goes back to the girlfriend? or stays with an abusive spouse.
Yes, we should assume that our children will come first, but we can't assume it. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:47:24 PM | | I agree...those comments have kind of annoyed me because I don't see the need to make such an "emphatic" statement about your kids being first. I love kids but I also believe that a statement like that would make a person feel like they are number "2". Balance, Balance, Balance is the key I think...... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/17/2008 10:53:43 PM | I agree with Larra that it belongs no place on a dating site profile, there is an option there that says whether or not you have kids. The site is about you and your love interest, so let it be about that right?
Also I think he literally means His children are very important to him.  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:01:35 PM | | I went out with someone once who had the phrase "My children come first...If you don't like it MOVE ON!! " She had 3 kids, one was 5 and needed constant attention Literally The other was 13 and had already been suspended from school and in trouble with the law, and the oldest was 20 with no ambitions of ever leaving the house or getting gainful employment. Momma said he had ADD so he couldn't work.This woman cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, did every chore while the kids did nothing to help out. She said that she did this because she wanted her kids to have what she did not. Apparently her parents made her do all kinds of awful stuff growing up like making her bed etc. The whole time I was with her I kept wondering when the cameras from "HELL DATE" or PUNK'D would reveal themselves. Also, it made me thankful when I met someone who didn't have the whole "MY KIDS ARE NUMBER 1 " Attitude. It seems kind of like saying...."Hygiene is kind of important to me" | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:06:00 PM | I also saw a profile that said something like, Looking for a man who understands that I have children and am responsible for raising them right.
Gets the point across without sounding so angry. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:17:04 PM | | i for one don't think you're a bad mum for saying so.........and i think people are missing a huge point about raising children.......for them to be grown adults, that are indepentant of their parents......the parent comes first, if you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of anyone else? and for a partner......they come second......because once your children are grown and out living their life......how does that person feel, being the last on your list of priorities?......i had found that parents are so quick to say "yes" to a child because they don't want to be the "bad parent"....if they are still married with their mother or father.......would you not have the special time with each other? or would it be 'our kids our top priority? for me, when i see "top priority" is just means "i don't have time for you" so i think it is a huge red flag.......but that's just me.......... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/20/2008 6:54:52 PM | from my profile:
And now, a word about our beloved children: No one should ever put their children on the back burner. An adult friend should be on a completely different stove and I don't intend to compete with your children. We all love our children and we all want them to come first. In the real world we grown-ups have to multi-task and balance. Not prioritize...BALANCE...see? It isn't rocket science | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:00:35 AM | From my experience, the man I was dating, put his adult daughter and grandchildren first. I was, needless to say, not impressed. We had been dating a couple of dates, when he sprung on me that he had a Handicap adult son, who lived in a group home out of State. Now, this was alright with me, I had no problems with the handicap son. It's when he traveled out of State to another appr0x.250miles to babysit for his daughter and husband's 3 children. He had moved from that State to another to live, was retired, and babysat 3 days out of the week.He said he liked babysitting. Then approx. 3mos. into our relationship,He told me he was going to his daughter's for Thanksgiving. So I said how much I would like to meet his family,and if I could go with him. He told me that we hadn't been together long enough to meet his family. It was alright for me to be with him and his handicap son, he didn't have a problem with me meeting his son, an d spending time with them. Does anyone else see a problem here or is it me? We had alot of differences about the adult daughter and family.One time during a heated argument, he said, "my children come first". I knew then, that I would alwaysbe second. All our problems,were mostly over the daughter.Unfortunately, our relationship ended. He was a good man, but he wasn't willing to negotiate, compromise, talk about anything concerning his daughter. This was unacceptable, we are no longer together, and now I have more baggage to drag with me to another relationship. Comments or advice anyone? | |
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