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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:17:38 AM |
Besides, some of the most single minded men I've met regarding their kids didn't outwardly portray this until we were dating, and boy, did I feel second, maybe in third place. Maybe I'll start another forum on this issue.
MacBeth ~
That's very true also, so I guess in a way it's better if they have a statement like that on their profile so you can make the decision then and there if you want to pursue things. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:01:08 AM | | I think its a phrase used to explain why some one still single to make it seem like they are sacrafising something for somthing more important. Its BS if you ask me. My kids are my top priority. DHA, you have kids.. Oh, I read that you have kids but I must ask, do you abuse and neglect your children.. Oh you do, great so we can date then.. LOL Whatever!!! Sounds pretty stupid..... I have been a single full time parent for about 18 years... When you raze kids you can still have a life... Plenty of time. Couples do it all the time... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:38:01 AM | To me that means you are going to use them as an excuse for not meeting
It means that you better make sure that payment hits your ex's account or else . I'll be seeing you on the highway in the orange jumpsuit with a pointy stick and a trash bag
It means you spend your entire life being a taxi service to kids that are in too many activities to make up for the lost of a two parent family. Too bad you never taught these kids to walk and take public transport
A good excuse for a male not entertaining at his house ..But he'll want to come over to yours ( I don't think so)
A good excuse for a female to high tail it out of a guy's house when he gets intimate or he's a troll when you 1st meet
It means you have no money because your kids think you are an ATM machine. This occurs when it's your weekend to have them you feel the need to entertain them. Since you get paid every two weeks I get you on the buy one get one free weekends at Dennys or TGIF or Ruby Tuesdays.
Reason number 299 why I prefer the childless and the grown kids out of my house males on this site | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:38:30 AM | | I see many of these people who state "my children are my top priority" in my therapy office...Its the reason they are divorced and lonely and in therapy....Its also the reason why single, no kids people like me cant stand to be around them socially when their kids are around....They never learned to put their partners first, sometimes ahead of the brat kids...Women are especially guilty of doing this, Ive seen many a divorced man say he always came last after the kids..Although indecisive men, especially with daughters, can do this too....The captain cant steer the ship properly if he gives too much power to his deck hands....Of course childrens safety and healthy and food and shelter and clothing and mental health needs should be taken care of...It shouldnt come at the expense of ignoring your partner or putting his needs last......Children need to witness the parental unit being in charge and being the top priority ahead of them regarding decisions and authority nd time sent together....People need to learn to put their partners first,,,My parents did that and I turned out pretty well.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:15:30 AM | Capegardengirl ~ very well said, I agree wholeheartedly. I've noticed something with the single dads I'm friends with and have had relationships with, I'd be interested in your take on this. Do you think guilt has something to do with allowing their kids to rule their lives? As in they feel guilty that the children no longer have their parents under the one roof, so they overcompensate by catering to the childrens every whim and put them above everyone and everything in their lives?
Parents need to lead by example. These kids know that mum or dad will drop everything to cater to their desires, and this sets a pattern for the rest of their lives. Boy, are there kids in for a shock when their older and realise that they're not the "centre of the universe". | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:02:43 AM | | I do think guilt has everything to do with making kids into your best friend but people should address their own issues around that rather than putting it on kids...Women should stop trying to be perfect pleasing everyone and give their kids everything little thing thing want lest they cry and get upset...Women listen far too much to others regarding how they "should" act regarding parenting instead of taking care of themselves and teaching their children self respect by example....Women have to get used to people caling them bit..ches for being healthy and setting healthy limits and boundaries with others, especially kids....WHO cares what people call you??..I see far too many women afraid to say "No" to their kids..."But he will be mad at me!"...I say "Tough sh..it..Let him be mad..you are the boss here"...I think more men would respect them if they did that..Even if the man criticizes what you do, he will more likely respect your decisions if you are taking care of yourself and not letting your kids walk all over you......Those who really care about you will respect you.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:26:44 PM | What this means is if the man steps out of line concerning the kids he is out of the door.
If a man doesnt mind getting 10% of a womans attention then go for a single mum.
If you want 100% of the attention then find someone without kids.
My preference to single mums is living alone, its a lot less grief.
Have had numerous bad experiences with single mums. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/1/2008 5:27:57 PM | I believe my profile reads similar.... haven't checked in a while.
Not sure what men intend when they state the obvious, but when I make my point, it is so that an interested man knows that hockey, gymnastics, guitar lessons, and mixed martial arts take a lot of time out of my day, and are not going to be put on a back burner so I can go for coffee or a drink. I have responsibilities, and therefore, a 'date' per se is something that requires a little planning and some notice. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:05:04 AM |
I do think guilt has everything to do with making kids into your best friend IT'S CALLED LOVING YOUR KID!!!
Wow...I was shocked by that question, Chemistryiseverything, and your comment Capegardengirl...Noticed none of you have kids......Enough said.
I do see your point, if you talking about never saying NO to the kid, and letting them get everything they wanted. I raise my daughter to be a great person, I say NO to her many time, sometimes she get's mad, but oh wel, she'll get over it.
But to choose someone else needs over hers? Not going to happen.
I love when a women says no to her child,it shows she is setting her up right.
I hope I didn't misunderstood what you two were saying.
Bottom line is, my daughter is number one, every one else will be number two for a little while, than I'll have two number one in my life.
My daughter isn't controllong my life, I am the boss, but I am trying to find activities, that is appropiate for her age, so she can have fun. It isn't far to tell her, me and my friend are going to do this, or that, and if you don't like it,-Tough sh*t. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:10:50 AM |
I have responsibilities, and therefore, a 'date' per se is something that requires a little planning and some notice.
Well, I am glad someone sees it that way. Well said....  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 5:28:43 AM | Hi,
I'm a single mum with 2 children. Their father lives in another country and doesn't give a diddly shit about them, I think a parent that is devoted to their children is a good thing. My children DO come first, I'm all they have, we have no other family but I wouldn't post that on my profile.
If I 'meet' someone and they ask, I tell them. I don't hide the fact but I don't go around waving a huge banner either lol.
I'm afraid I/we come as a package and if a man isn't going to accept that, then I'm not interested. End of story. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 9:22:58 AM |
Chemistryiseverything, and your comment Capegardengirl...Noticed none of you have kids......Enough said.
Zuglo ~ that's such an arrogant thing to say, I'm sorry, but it is!!
I hope I didn't misunderstood what you two were saying.
I think you might have misunderstood what I was saying at least, I can't speak for anyone else. Maybe you should re-read my posts because not once did I say that childrens needs shouldn't be a parent priority.
My daughter isn't controllong my life, I am the boss, but I am trying to find activities, that is appropiate for her age, so she can have fun. It isn't far to tell her, me and my friend are going to do this, or that, and if you don't like it,-Tough sh*t.
I'm glad to hear your daughter isn't controlling your life, and I certainly don't assume that that's the case with all single parents, what I was saying is that is has been with the men I've had relationship with that had children. I understand that you need to do age appropriate things for your daughter also, but do you take time out for just you and your partner to do things as a couple?? For example, I didn't enjoy spending my weekends playing lego or whatever it may be. We all need some adult stimulation as well; and I think it's healthy for children to understand that.
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:30:02 AM | OP -- I think this is an Excellent Question -- I agree with you that while you're looking to find your potential mate, it's important to reserve a space for that person in your life. Not that there should be any Ranking Order involved, I think these people who have made that statement about their kids in their profiles are probably expressing their feelings about "Unconditional Love" -- more-than-likely, they have experienced a loss of love at some point in their lives and realize the fact that [u]whatever a preacher (or Justice of the Peace) can join, a Lawyer (even a lousy one) can undo. There are many people out there who will try to make you choose between them and your kids -- it's not a choice that anyone should make, or be asked to make, and I suspect that they simply be trying to say, "My kids will be around for the Long-Haul, and I hope YOU will be too!"  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 2:58:33 PM | | Spot on Chemistry...Most of the parents who put their kids first have great difficulty understanding that adult needs are very different from those of children...Children do not need to be on expensive vacations and late pm shopping trips and travel activites that are meant for adults...Those are to be taken with your partner...,,,children do not need to be everywhere adults go nor should they be making financial deicsions meant for adults...Ive been to countless music concerts and restuarants and travel destinations meant for adults and sooner or later its disrupted by a tantrum of a bratty whiney little kid who should have stayed home with the babysitter...The parent does nothing he should be doing, like removing the kid from the scene...Ive watched and seen that happen so many times...If people cant make their partner a priority because their kid if number one, they should not be looking for a long term relationship, they arent ready yet and its unfair to lead someone on like that when you cant make the relationship a priority in your life..Sorry if you dont want to hear it, but single people dont want to play legos all day with your kid...It also does nothing to teach your kid tolerance for frustration, and compassion for others' needs and the idea that the world doesnt revolve around him and his needs | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 4:15:59 PM | i have to agree with chemistryis everthing, i have no children and i have dated a man with teenage daughters and when i wanted time for just us,he would always include them also,so the only time we had was in bed.it makes for a strained relationship.
if your partner is not #1, why look for one,you have your kids!do you turn to your kids and say,what bills should we pay this week? your children will grow up and go on with thier lives and leave you, then what? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:09:24 PM | I was in a relationship where ...my boyfriend had a daughter that he let run the household...She was 8 years old and had no rules,structure or boundaries..She did what she wanted when she wanted ...and stated my daddy gives me everything I want and always will....many times...She lied about everything she did ...so she wouldnt get into trouble and he believed every word that she said....I have never seen anything like it before in my life...she manipulated him so much and he couldnt see it..I ended the relationship....it was too much stress on me...to deal with her.....He simply could not tell her no....She even beggedto sleep with us and he let her....I decided..... no man is worth all that HE*L..... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:29:09 PM |
Here's what I told him. "When you look back and think about the times I wasn't there for you always remember it was your mother who destroyed the family."
I'm sorry, but did you tell your children that it was all their mother's fault your marriage broke up? Did you not also make a decision, by taking that job in the first place? Sure, maybe you assumed your family would come with you, but, I personally wouldn't want to leave everything I knew and was familiar with for a job. That's just me though, I'm surprised no one has flamed you for this comment. It certainly ticked me off.
Even though I'm no longer with my daughter's father I would NEVER bash him to her face, if everything I think is true about him really is, she will find out soon enough on her own. I don't have to go out of my way to be mean to him. That only puts the kid in a tough spot having to chose between parents, and that's not fair. JMO | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:19:36 PM |
My daughter isn't controllong my life, I am the boss, but I am trying to find activities, that is appropiate for her age, so she can have fun. It isn't far to tell her, me and my friend are going to do this, or that, and if you don't like it,-Tough sh*t.
I assume that by "far" you mean "fair" and I have to ask, if you're the boss, why is that? Why can you not tell your daughter, "Brittany is going to sit with you tonight because I have made grown up plans with a grown up friend, and I will see you for breakfast"? How is that not fair?
Your daughter is a child and certainly her health, nutrition, emotional needs and educational requirements should be paramount, but once those necessities are taken care of, there are certain things you need in order to be a fully functioning adult and therefore, an effective parent.
One of those things is adult company with adult conversation, and another is time away from your child. She needs that, too. It helps her with the separation process that all children must undergo, helps her to realize that she is separate from you and capable of amusing and soothing herself.
The fact is, before I can take care of my kids, I have to take care of me. That means I need stimulating conversation, meaningful work, adult activities and recreation, and time alone.
I would expect the same from anyone I would seriously date. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:21:47 PM | Titian ~ I agree. Been there, done that. And the frustrating thing about it was I was the one made out to be the "bad guy" because I eventually spoke up to my partner about his childs behaviour, told him I was concerned etc, I was told I was intolerant, and that she was "just expressing herself" (by manipulation, lies, tantrums etc) . . and that he would never stop her from "expressing herself" and that basically I either towed the line or racked off. She would ALWAYS be number 1 in his life and if I didn't like it, stiff sh*t. How does a person like that ever expect to have a relationship? Interestingly, his previous relationship had broken up for similar reasons (basically the fact that he refused to disclipine his daughter in any way).
What saddens and frustrates me about a lot (not all) of the opinions stated by single parents in this thread ~ is that they feel their partner needs to do all the compromising (eg spending their time doing childrens activities all the time etc), and they truly think that's reasonable.
I know married couples with kids that make time to do things just the 2 of them, and why shouldn't they? They're not neglecting their kids in the process, the kids stay with granny for the night (or someone else reliable) and have a great time!! It's a win-win situation. The parents get some adult time and the kids get time away from Mum and Dad, and learn that Mum and Dad are absolutely entitled to have their own life as well as being their parents. That's how I was brought up. My parents even went on overseas trips without me and my brother, we had our grandparents stay with us while they were away. It worked beautifully. Did we feel neglected by our parents doing that?? God no, we thought it was great, and loved hearing the stories of our parents adventures when they returned, we loved spending time with our grandparents as well.
I don't understand the single parents that literally put their life on hold for their child(ren). This is not a healthy example for kids. They grow up thinking that the world revolves around them and get a nasty shock when they realise it doesn't!! Also, isn't it a horrible burden to put on your child(ren) by saying "you are my world, I sacrificed everything for you" because when those children become adults they will more than likely feel guilty. Also, kids want to see their parents happy, and if being in a loving relationship makes Mum or Dad happy then that's great! I truly think this generation of kids are growing up seriously spoilt and thinking that the world revolves around them and that they should get whatever they want, whenever they want it. It's so sad, because unfortunately that's not how life is. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/2/2008 10:32:16 PM |
My daughter isn't controllong my life, I am the boss, but I am trying to find activities, that is appropiate for her age, so she can have fun. It isn't far to tell her, me and my friend are going to do this, or that, and if you don't like it,-Tough sh*t.
I assume that by "far" you mean "fair" and I have to ask, if you're the boss, why is that? Why can you not tell your daughter, "Brittany is going to sit with you tonight because I have made grown up plans with a grown up friend, and I will see you for breakfast"? How is that not fair?
str8ahd ~ exactly what I've been trying to say lol. I know a lot of parents will say "you're not a parent, how would you know" . . . but this is how I was brought up and how some of my friends who are parents do things, and it works well, and makes for happier parents, therefore happier kids.
Your daughter is a child and certainly her health, nutrition, emotional needs and educational requirements should be paramount, but once those necessities are taken care of, there are certain things you need in order to be a fully functioning adult and therefore, an effective parent.
Yes!!!!
One of those things is adult company with adult conversation, and another is time away from your child. She needs that, too. It helps her with the separation process that all children must undergo, helps her to realize that she is separate from you and capable of amusing and soothing herself.
So true ~ I think what saddens me is that I see SO many kids that think their parents should/have to amuse them 24/7, this is not doing those children any favours, and of course they end up suffering some kind of "separation anxiety" if/when Mum or Dad does take time out for themselves.
The fact is, before I can take care of my kids, I have to take care of me. That means I need stimulating conversation, meaningful work, adult activities and recreation, and time alone.
 now, where are the single Dads that think like you??? lol | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:47:22 AM | now, where are the single Dads that think like you??? lol
It's interesting how MOST single Dad'a don't think like that, isn't it???
Now why is that???Hm...
Guess I need to clear some things out. I am divorced, and I get my daughter on the weekends. Every weekend. So, I won't tell her Brittany is going to sit with you tonight.
Maybe now it makes more sense, how is that not fair.
When I was married, the grandparents, took the kids for a night, so me and my partner can go out. I understand that adults need time alone. But still stand by my saying, that when you have a child,she/he come first, and you sometimes sacrifice your adult time, to be with them. I would LOVE to find a women who respect me for it. As a matter of fact, I did. So, lucky for me, they are out there.
It's such a turn off, when a women complains, that sometimes she can't do this or that because of her child. And if a women tells me, I should leave my daughter home one weekend, so we can "get away", that's a dealbreaker.
PS.Why are all the women's speak up about this subject? Where are the men?..LOl
Don't think I was arrogant, sorry, if it came out like that, but I just disagree with you, Chemistry, just like I disagree with my brother, who tells me, I don't need to be with my daughter every weekend.I don't, but I WANT to be. And we don't play lego.
That was funny, by the way. When I meet someone, and my daughter is with us, we do stuff, that is fun for every one. It can be done.
We go to the zoo, park, miniature golf, amusement park, museum,( yes, I took an 8 years old to the museum, and she liked it), or whatever activities we can find in Albuquerque. But I do try to make sure, she'll have some fun whatever we end up doing. I have to be honest.As my daughter is getting older, it's getting easier to get out, with another adult. I just have to find an adult, who likes to do stuff, we like.
And as I said before,I did. Lucky for me. They love doing stuff with us.
At least that's what they saying..LOL ..We are a ton of fun.
Other poster was saying, bratty, whinny kids ruining a night. Yes, that would be annoying. No comment on that. Because if I say, my daughter is behaving 95% of a time, no one would believe me. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:19:35 AM |
For example, I didn't enjoy spending my weekends playing lego
 Is that because you weren't good at it???
That's a joke. I understand your point. If you don't like these kind of thing, you really should date somebody with no kids, or date somebody with older kids. That's all. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:34:46 AM |
Is that because you weren't good at it???
That's a joke. I understand your point. If you don't like these kind of thing, you really should date somebody with no kids, or date somebody with older kids. That's all.
Zuglo ~ you have a good sense of humour lol Actually I'm very good at lego haha, but I left my lego days behind about oh 30 years ago!! heh. Actually I really don't mind getting on the floor and playing lego or barbies or Wii or whatever it may be with the kids, my friends/relo's kids think I'm "cool" because I do get down and play with them on their level . . . . BUT not ALL THE TIME . . . that's all I'm saying  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:02:26 AM | Zuglo -- I'm with ya brother (on more than merely 1 of your points). My ex moved my (2) daughters 2 states away from where they were born -- I see them Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years, Spring Break, all Summer Break, and whenever I can fly up to visit with them (usually once a month). A couple of years ago, I dated a woman who was very selfish and demanding. I met her and spent approximately 3 months getting to know her and her (2) children -- when my daughters arrived for their Summer visit, I picked them up and drove 70 miles to Austin to spend the weekend with her and her kids (so that my kids could get to know her kids as well). The 1st night, my daughters wanted me to sleep out in her Living Room with them and watch movies -- my girlfriend had a problem with that (she wanted to sleep with me), so I suggested that she come out and join us -- kind of a "Camp Out" on the Living Room floor -- she wouldn't go for sleeping on the floor, but suggested that they could come in and sleep on her Bed Room floor. Long Story Short ... we didn't have sex that weekend -- I was fine with that since we were all on-the-go doing lots of activities that weekend. When it came time for me and my daughters to leave and drive home, my (former) girl-friend complained to me, "We never have sex anymore!" I mean -- WTF!!!! 1 measley weekend without sex, and you get, "We never have sex anymore!" Needless-to-Say, I broke it off with her -- I wasn't about to put her selfish needs before those of my daughters.
Suffice it to say -- she didn't have a relationship with her OWN children -- I tried to tell her that, but she turned a deaf-ear -- 1 year later, her 14 year old daughter chose to move to Australia to live with her father. Sometimes, you just have to call it as you see it -- right? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:10:55 AM | | Chemistry, you are so right on...When I was a young teen, my parents took several vacations to Mexico, Aruba, Jaimaica, the UK and numerous day trips and adult parties WITHOUT myself...The sky didnt fall and I didnt suffer none the worse for it..Rather, I learned to be self sufficient and learn that the world didnt revolve my needs and wants and that my parents were people with needs and wants as well as me.....I moved out of my parents house during college, got two master degrees, held professional jobs , made great friends and supported myself..Now Im getting married....Kids need to learn to toughen up, the worlds a rough place....Today I see wussy whiney bratty big mouth disrepectful kids who arent experiencing that and they are like a fish out of water...Later on ....They dont know how to handle lifes frustrations and set backs, they have no coping skills..They are the ones who drop out of college, cant hold jobs, cant communicate with their partners in relationships because they dont know how to compromise on anything, ..So then end up losing those relationships..Everytime I see a parent unable to put their partners needs first and make their child their best friend and dont disipline them, I think of these things..You dont have to be a parent to know HOW to parent..Simply living a childhood where thats taught by example from your parents is enough | |
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