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meldan
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Joined: 3/17/2008
Msg: 651 | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:09:46 PM | saltolibre
You have completely missed my point about parenting...I in no way dissed any mothers.....I never said times with your children arent the best so Im not sure what your irrational accusation is about ....In fact, I support mothers 100% to take care of their own needs and help their children understand that the world doesnt revolve around them..Mothers of children should make their childrens needs a priority but not at the expense of neglecting their partners needs if they are saying they want a long term relationship, which I see alot....Mothers should also set limits and boundaries on what they will and will not do for their children..No woman should be a slave to her children at her emotional and physical health expense.....I have seen way too many children hit, kick, curse and verbally and physically abuse and disrespect their mothers who did this.....Those who make their children their best friends are not doing good parenting and are indeed harming their children...Dont mislead potential partners if you cant make a commitment and be able to INVEST your time and effort in a relationship...Its not fair to single people out there who want a partner who is able and willing to make the relationship a priority....It seems you want children to experience a pain free world in which their every want is taken care of without any consequences for others needs and their own behaviors ..THAT produces adults who are spoiled, self centered, unable to utilize coping skills when frustrated..They later fail at college, parenting, relationships, and often at their jobs..Is that what you want?...How is that being a good parent here?...I see the consequences of children ruling the house and controlling their parents private lives....They arent equipted to do this at all....That is unhealthy for all..Those who insist on putting their children wants above everyone else and still think they can have a stable long term relationship should be prepared to be single and doing alot of casual dating with no commitments .....At least be honest and state you arent ready to commit to a relationship to the people you are dating..When I was single, I got tired of dating misleading men who couldnt make a relationship commitment because of their children yet didnt bother to tell me this upfront until a confrontation with their children occured... ...I wanted time alone with them..Every time this happened, we got interrupted by the brat teenager who wanted a ride home or was bored or called for a trivial reason....ie, being manipulative and acting out because they didnt want their dad dating anyone and the dad didnt confront them on that.....That doesnt build any intimacy here, thus hindering the potential to establish a committed relationship ...People who insist that potential partners take a back seat to their children need to realize that.....Wait until your kids are 18 before looking for a long term relationship.
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:48:55 PM | | I think these people just want to relay to you that family is most important and that lets you know they are good people. Of course most of us put our kids first, even when they are grown and usually goes without saying. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:58:23 PM | wow I didn't know a kid was being a brat cause they wanted a ride home??? I'm sorry sunshine but if I am out on a date and my kid is 35 and needs a ride home for whatever reason, I will politely tell my date that I have to go pick up my daughter cause they obviously are stranded...I am sorry you are so demanding to not be gracious enough to allow a man to do that for his children...wow!!! I guess it is all about you huh? Just do all the single dads a favor and dont date them...because you obviously are very needy...sorry to be rude or whatever but that's how you are coming acrossed...if you aren't that way then maybe you should think before you type...I do agree that your kids shouldn't rule the roost...and yes kids can be very manipulative but then again maybe you are just as much as them, the kids see that, and they now are just having fun with you seeing who can win!!! If they are a good dad the kids will win over a woman like you...happy dating  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 6:06:21 AM | I wouldn't respond to a profile with this in it, not because the sentiment turns me off, but because I think writing this in an online profile where you're looking for dates is unintelligent. How can you hope to attract others by informing them right off the bat that they'll never be a priority to you?
Anyway, I think the phrase, as trite and unwise as it is to use, just means that if you ask them to choose between you and their kid, they will choose the kid. This could mean in a forever way (as in, asking someone to stop having weekend visits with their child because it cuts in on time with you) or in a daily way (as in, everything always revolves around the kid).
I'm pregnant and engaged. If I were single and my baby had been born and I was on here again, I'd mention the child in my profile but probably fleetingly. This isn't really the place to go on and on about your kids. And leave the kids out of the photos, too; anyone can sign up on this or any site, and you don't need to expose a child to unknown danger. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:10:03 AM | | Intelll girl..What you didnt know is that teen was 17 years old and could have called her mother sitting at home or friends for a ride home, not bother her father on his date..There were many people and adult relatives she could have called and she knew that...That has nothing to do with not allowing a man time with his children..He lived down the street from his daughter and saw her DAILY for several hours....He cant even spend 2 hours a week alone with me without the brat acting out here and getting away with it?..Thats BS...It is partly about me yes..Thats healthy...Deal with that and stop being intimidated by people who are assertive about their needs and have some backbone and honesty and self esteem..Kids "having fun" is rude and inappropriate behavior and shouldnt be tolerated...Their ass would be fired so fast for doing something like that at work or school....Significant others wouldnt tolerate that long..HOW do you expect them to treat others properly if this is allowed to continue???..THAT is what Im asking here..Parents like you laughing it off..... Single adults work hard all week..We dont want to be around brat kids who havent been taught that our time is precious as well as theirs and that interrupting that is mean and spitful and should have consequences...Just like it does for everyone else...We dont want to be their target of anger because their own parents havent taught them to deal with dissapointment and tolerance for frustration and to treat others with respect | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 1:19:39 PM | I always translate the phrase to meaning "I have no ability to compromise".
why do people need to choose one or the other...I prefer those that try to make both the children and the partner happy. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 1:54:21 PM |
I wouldn't respond to a profile with this in it, not because the sentiment turns me off, but because I think writing this in an online profile where you're looking for dates is unintelligent. Bwahahaha!!!! And what exactly does this ridiculous and generalized judgment say about you.. ?? Truly hilarious, lol...
How can you hope to attract others by informing them right off the bat that they'll never be a priority to you? The hope is that it will weed out the ones who actually EXPECT to come before my kids.. and based on what I have read in this thread, it seems to do the trick quite nicely ;)
I would rather someone make judgments about me and keep clicking right on past my profile than to pretend they can deal with the fact that I am responsible for three other lives who will ALWAYS come before them.. I will never in a million years apologize for that.
I would actually WANT a man to make it clear that his kids come first.. I wouldn't respect him otherwise... and any man I would consider dating knows exactly what I mean.
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:18:46 PM |
I always translate the phrase to meaning "I have no ability to compromise".
why do people need to choose one or the other...I prefer those that try to make both the children and the partner happy
I am going to use someone's saying...
And I DO have her permission...
Here it is...Not prioritize... BALANCE...That's what is all about.
Yes, calling Dad for a ride when he is on a date, and she had other option, isn't good.
But to ask a parent to "choose" a stranger over his/her kid, isn't good either.
Compromise, she said...It goes both way.
If I am getting involved with someone, and she has a child, I WILL compromise.
But I want her to do the same.
I am goint to risk to be called arrogant again, but I feel like, if you don't have a child, you CAN NOT trully understand.
All those positive responds were from parents. Negative responds from posters without kids. Well, maybe I am off, I wasn't counting, so sue me...
There were one post from a pregnant lady..I'll bet her view will change, as soon as the baby will born...Not that her comment was negative.
I agree about the picture of a child..It shouldn't be posted.
But it should be mentioned in a profile, not with big bold letters, but somewhere in the profile..Yes, to weed out those who will have issue with it. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 5:29:44 PM | The hope is that it will weed out the ones who actually EXPECT to come before my kids
What a joke!!!!
You actually think if someone is that self-centered, selfish, and/or inconsiderate that they would actually read and care what your profile says about your children???
Here are some more profile statements that will keep undesirables away:
"Don't read my profile if you lack common sense"
"Don't contact me if you are stupid"
"I'm only interested in attractive people"
See how those work also. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 5:45:27 PM | | I kind of feel that the phrase is weird. This is a dating and friendship site. I don't think kids have anything to do with it really. You can select on your profile whether or not you have children, want children. I think that particular phrase is overkill. I think explaining what you want and don't want is a good idea at this point but addressing your parenting style is something that would come much later. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 6:45:13 PM |
What a joke!!!! Glad you were able to have a chuckle..
You actually think if someone is that self-centered, selfish, and/or inconsiderate that they would actually read and care what your profile says about your children??? Based on reading many posts made by those who say that they would never contact someone who has this statement written in their profile, and their reasoning why.. I am grateful that they have chosen not to.. so frankly, I am not seeing the hilarity of it all, but certainly.. feel free to laugh it up, lol.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:00:07 PM | | You've got your priorities mixed up, how can you take care of someone else before you take care of yourself. When you're on a plane and they give you directions in case of emergency with the oxygen mask, what do they say? Cover your mouth with the mask first, then help someone else. If your nephew and children see you in a healthy relationship, what do you think that would do for them? It would give them stability and healthy safe environment to grow up in, it would also let them know the world doesn't revolve around them, that to me is raising kids correctly! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:22:37 PM | Capegardengirl...how do you know that "brat" didn't try to call her mother, etc? And if I was the guy and you ever called my kid a brat, You would have the door hit you so hard it would knock you on your ass and hopefully off my porch...You don't call someone else's kids names...unless you are a very small, insecure and immature, bitter woman...which I am sensing you are...if it walks like a duck...As for living down the street and so on...Well I live with my kids and see them everyday...me thinks that if he saw her all the time it was because he is her FATHER??? You have got to have some bolts loose...We strike down the deadbeat dads but the minute one is a good father, you get all wah me, poor me, it's all about me...ITs not about you being assertive about your needs and you know it...its about you demanding someone do what you want them to do, when you want them to do it or YOU will throw a tantrum and trying to have the control...You don't have a backbone you have a chip on your shoulder...
Kids having fun is rude if the person does not deserve it...but when my parents broke up and some guy tried to do the things that you are doing...I had no respect for them and treated them as such...And dont ever go off saying something as ridiculous as parent like me and so on...you have no idea how I parent or what I do in the men situation...but we all know what you do sweetheart...just so you know my child gets straight A's in school, teachers and babysitters alike love her...I have only had one boyfriend that I brought home since my kids dad died and he thought my girls were great and respectful...but I guarantee you they ever saw him, yell at me or hit me or be demanding...they would not respect him either...
Single adults work hard all week?? Okay , now you are just insane...do you know that a single mother works the equivalent of working 2.5 full time jobs and if they work...which in my case I do...training for army and work at retirement home...so I work much more than you...spare me...You are very bitter...I am glad I am a woman b/c if I was a dude I would run for the hills...whether I had kids or not!!!
btw I will make time for the man that is deserving of my time...I will not introduce the kids until I know that it is right...I am talking marriage potential...if my children didn't like said person, I would have to examine that and see why...I don't have on my profile that I love my girls...cause I figure that goes without saying...but I will never choose a man over my children unless he is my husband and I still wont disown my children but if the man has a valid point and he has been their male role model and has adopted them , I will stick by my husband...if someone demands a partner to choose...your kids or me, they will be single again very soon...my mom choose men over me...I wont repeat the cycle | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:26:26 PM |
You've got your priorities mixed up, how can you take care of someone else before you take care of yourself. When you're on a plane and they give you directions in case of emergency with the oxygen mask, what do they say? Cover your mouth with the mask first, then help someone else. If your nephew and children see you in a healthy relationship, what do you think that would do for them? It would give them stability and healthy safe environment to grow up in, it would also let them know the world doesn't revolve around them, that to me is raising kids correctly! Riiiiiiiiight, so one should shunt their kids off to the side in order to provide for a relationship.. ?
Ahhh.. you mean like the typical desperate single mother who lets a man walk in and make up new rules as he sees fit.. and if it doesn't work out, the revolving door says there will be another right behind him with a new set... cause you know, having a man is soooo much more important than how her children feel..
Or those who lie and hide the fact that they even have children in the hopes that they will fall for them and be able to "look past it" later..
Or the ones who let their kids live with the other parent/grandparents and rarely take the time to see them because it might cramp their relationship style...
Yeah, those types sure have their priorities straight, don't they? 
As the one poster before said.. its all about balance.. but if someone actually expects to come before my kids.. ? Lol.. hilarious.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:00:28 PM | This topic has gotten so off track I can’t even begin to sort things out.
For simplicity sake and to prove a point, let’s do this scenario -- What if ‘both’ parties fervently believe their “children are my top priority”? I’m puzzled just how a relationship will get off the ground? They'd be off running around doing things for their own kids and hardly see each other?...lol
I would take the phrase to mean that children come first in all things – their activities, personal relationships, needs, wants, etc.
You’re available to run errands for them or, as the posts above touch on, pick them up at a moment’s notice in case they need a ride.
Your cell is like a kid hotline, available 24/7, for whatever they want to call about, important or not.
Etc, Etc, Etc.....
In other words, and I’ve seen this way too many times to count, parents never set reasonable and prudent parameters of acceptable behavior with their kids (it's called Rules, people, and your kids will not think anything less of you or hate you because you give tough love and say NO sometimes). Many parents never allow personal “alone time” in their lives specifically devoted to building a relationship with a potential partner.
I instead see the phrase as a license to smother, spoil, and security blanket kids to death, reaching a point where a potential partner is so turned off and frustrated by the spectacle that nothing ever gets beyond the friendship stage, and things end prematurely. Then the excuses are “Well, he/she just didn't understand how I interact with my kids and accept it....it was their problem, not mine....too bad, but I will NOT take him/her over my kids! ~scowl”. In many cases this is just deflection on the part of the principal, a safety valve to stay single.
Obviously, your kids are important. I’m not trying to minimize your parental duties and obligations, but common sense should also dictate you need “balance” in your life in the way you treat them.
If you’re a woman with small kids (pre-teen and under) and working full-time, I don’t see how the hell you even have time to date in the first place???
If you have kids that are teens and older but still dote on them like some Mother Hen, you need a wake up call with reality because not many guys will find your behavior acceptable. And that’s not THEIR problem, but YOURS.
Same goes for men in similar circumstances. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:14:35 PM | | ^^^^^^ you are right in several things...such as saying my kids come before everything else can be intimidated to both men and women, there is a need for balance...there is a difference when you say I will not choose you over my kids...I have had them since they were conceived, I have raised them, love them unconditionally and I will not choose a man over my kids, anyone who does I would think they didn't really care that much for their kids. Like I said a man says your kids or me? I will say well that was an easy ultimatum lol. And you make time for what you want to make time for...I might not be able to go ahead and do things on the spur of the moment all the time...but it's not like it would never happen...its just takes some juggling...and we single parents are used to that anyways | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:19:54 PM | I have children and I have never found the need to state the obvious.
The only reason I can think of as to why they find the need to state this is because they have been challenged by a woman before so they are letting other women know beforehand what their place will be.  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:54:33 AM | All those positive responds were from parents. Negative responds from posters without kids.
I am going to start counting to make sure...
OK, there is two guys with somewhat negative comments, and YES...No kids.
I am sure I am not the only one, who can manage to have a pretty good personal life, despite my "whiny brat" daughter.
That was a joke, by the way. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:16:39 AM | | Hi... I don't see it as a red flag at all. I think it sums up a lot of things taken for granted that some out there fishing just don't get. For example, if you have children, you cannot be expected to be available 24/7 and at his or her beck n call. Unfortunately, with children, you can't be as spontaneous as you'd like to be. Many profiles are seeking spontaneous movements from a potential mate that cannot be accomplished when you have kids. Most have every other weekend to be free from parenting and that's about it. What's worse? Because we are single parents we get the bum rap of not "caring enough about the relationship", "not spending enough time together". I have learned, as a single parent myself--and finally beyond the need of a babysitter, that quality of a relationship outweighs quantity. Not to mention, those who have freedom that single parents do not have, need to realize-- we would love to see our boyfriends/girlfriends just as much! And last, this does not make you 2nd to our kids-- you are in a different category all together! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:34:52 PM | A little different scenerio but need advise on..
My ex and I are still very much in love but apart....we want to work on getting back together, my children are 36,33 and 28..He is a step Father and 2 of them don't like him. for what they think is a good reason....He physically abused me at one time, He is currently undergoing psyicatric care and has been placed on meds that has done wonders for his mood swings and he has been diagnosed with PTSD. He is doing great.
My 2 children will all but take away my ability to see my Grands if I go back to him and try to carry on our marriage because they say they are scared that he will loose it and become violate...He has never shown his temper to them or the children..He loves them..I am having to choose between my soul mate and my children...so who should come first in my life??? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:59:16 PM | Hi
message 672
There are several approaches that can be applied here_
Your life is your life - you have control of what happens" all the time" You can control the atmosphere of all relationships!
You are here searching for a new mate-- but asking for for advise --sort of double edged- ?? You need to decide what you want!
If you choose to see your ex, do it privately until you feel comfortable with the relationship! the both of You need to rebuild trust! you might have the best of both worlds- the ex as your best friend and lover and also have the relationship with our children and grands-
The grown children are selfish to keep your grands away from you - have supervised visitation on a limited time basis! JMHO | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:14:54 PM | Thanks for the reply,
When I joined POF I was not even thinking about going back to the ex., I was ready to move on. I only recently felt in my heart that what I wanted was to put my marriage back together..I have an appoinment with a psychologist on Friday to begin sessions for help...I appreciate your thoughts.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:18:35 PM |
2 of them don't like him. for what they think is a good reason.... Here you have completely invalidated your children's feelings..
He physically abused me at one time I am assuming this abuse occured while they were younger and in your care? When a parent is abused that has a massive affect on the children's sense of safety, self-concept, well being and ability to trust... it also drastically affects the relationships they will choose for themselves...
Your children care about you and your well being, they are obviously not convinced that this man has changed... and do not want to see their mother hurt again.. which, in case it needed to be explained, WILL retraumatize them...
he has been diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD is not an excuse to abuse someone.. nor does a diagnosis or a prescription imply rehabilitation ;)
And by the way... watching someone you love and care about get abused while you are helpless to do anything about it can actually cause PTSD symptoms..
I am having to choose between my soul mate and my children...so who should come first in my life??? Wow. | |
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