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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:42:10 AM | | For those who care, I have chosen my children....I cannot take a known abuser above the love of my children and grandchildren. He helped make the decision last night when he went out drinking when he was told not to by both of his Dr.s and then kept lying to me about it to me on the phone as if I couldn't tell he was drinking..If he can't keep a commitment at this level at this time, he wouldn't in the future..I was only kidding myself that he had changed...A sign of an abused partner on my part. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:35:02 AM | Well said, Nutt. I ended what seemed the perfect relationship recently because I was asked if my boys and I were a packaged deal. Prior to that he had admired me for taking my responsibility as a parent very seriously. After this experience I would say it is very important to clarify your commitment to your family in your profile. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:49:58 PM | MSg 676: ChocolateNutt:
All of us should have room in our lives for a partner and be able to juggle the partner and the children. I tend to disagree with the juggling aspect of the comment. I strongly believe that children should never be juggled. Everything else should be juggled around the needs of the children, whether it is as simple as watcing their game in sports or going to a parent-teacher conference.
When one has kids, everything else takes a backseat to their rearing. Contrary to the popular belief, I think parents should not even think about dating when kids are little and especially, if one has them full-time.
My dating/social life is limited to when I know for sure I will not have my kids with me and that I am not missing out on any of their activities. Time flies and before you know it, they will be gone.
Just my 98 cents  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:01:17 PM | | Why can't there be room in our lives for both children and a relationship,my children are of an age where they understand that their dad would like to meet someone to settle down with and even encourage it,on the odd occasion that I have meet up with someone they've been nice and polite as I've taught them to be,and once we're on our own again then they give me their real opinions on them,actually I find their insight quiet revealing at times,but when it all boils down to it their only bothered about my happiness cause they know what makes me happy will only enhance their lives. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:09:05 PM | Personally, I look at this differently for everyone. It has a few solid answers that apply, dependent on the person involved.
Some, put it there to warn potential mates that their kids come first, over and above all others, including the new found love.
Others mean it to say, my kids are the most important thing in my life, because they need more as a child...and, I'm their only and main support system (be it financial, physical, or emotional).
Yet, others mean it to mean: I'm a parent, and more than likely, my kid is going to need something at some inopportune time, and when they do...it's probably going to infringe on our time as a couple...at least, if you're in my life. I hope you can deal with that, and if not...well, I can't turn off being a parent. :(
And yet others mean it like: I'm a parent, such is life; get over it! That means I will use that excuse every chance I get. Of course, that excuse will apply when I screw up and don't call you..."the kids needed to go here, there, I had to pick up so and so, I forgot because little johnny fell down the stairs for the fiftieth time, etc., hehe," and many other times too. So, just get used to it!
And still others mean it like: I'm a parent, so I hope you don't mind that I have kids and yes, they mean the world to me. That doesn't mean you don't mean the world to me, though. I hope that you'll get along with them, but if you don't...they're still mine and I can't get rid of them for you, hehe. So, I really do hope you will get along with them and they will get along with you...crossing fingers.
So, it really does have several different meanings, dependent, of course, on whose profile you read. It's not always a red flag.
Personally, I've learned to ask how someone means something, rather than just jumping to conclusions. Many times, people don't mean something the way others assume. ;) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:21:16 PM | | Thanks for bringing this up, and my experience has been that this is a huge red flag. I think they are wanting you to know that in the event they get serious and a marriage should come about , you will be signing a pre-nup for sure. I almost got serious about a guy that is that way about his step-children, I got so sick of hearing about them and he never had children of his own, but , funny the pre-nup thingy did come up in a conversation more than once. I don't talk to men who say anything comes first or has control of his life, I totally agree that I don't like a profile with "I have xxx kids" or I have xxx grand children. I think their life is already full and no room for a woman except maybe in the bedroom. That's my opinion. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:41:49 PM | It means that they have nothing left over to give to anyone so if you are the type who can accept scrap from the table and keep begging and hoping for more.....you'll play a tiny part in their lives.
Most mature individuals know that children will have needs, there are times when parents cannot make commitments due to other activities they have to do with the kids so it is all about balance. Because I try to be fair, I cannot say my kid will always come first in my life........ Sometimes he will, sometimes he wont........I do know that "I" will always come first........lolllllll
I really dont see the need to tell anyone that my kid comes first. My child will always be my child but he is also on his way to being a man with his own life. He is very mature, respectful and strong so I think we have a very balanced relationship although he thinks I am bossy. Hopefully, one day he will achieve great thing for himself because I have already told him that his mom does has not legacy to leave to him as I need it for my old age unless he is going to take care of me then.................... so he has to go for education and a profession and not slack off and think he has it made.......lol
But, Hey! There are lots of people out there so we all have choices in who we date and what we accept..........right? er......right?? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 8:31:56 PM | | Trust me you see the very same phrases on the profiles of single mothers...and yes it does mean you will come second....or third....or maybe even more down the list somewhere after career and pets.....Now this shouldn't be a surprise...Children must come first and should be top priority and this is the problem and reason why many don't want to date a single parents.....they know they will always be last (unless the person is very good at sharing attention) and if the relationship ends the single parent will have their children and the other person will be left with only a broken heart and memories.......I've seen it happen to a few people now and it really sucks. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/9/2008 9:15:13 PM | | Wow, Intell gurl..Talk about having a chip on your shoulder here and blowing everything out of proportion.....I never said the man I dated had to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted..Where the heck did that come from?......Insecurity?..Touched a nerve here?.,,,Sorry to hear that your mother neglected you in favor of men, thats NOT what Im recommending at all.....I dont think you can hear that because you still sound angry at your mother and triggered by what I said....I do think think two hours on a date isnt too much to ask a man when he sees his 18 yr old daughter daily for several hours...If you think thats asking too much, you dont seem ready to commit to any kind of long term relationship....Women putting the kids first ahead of the husband is the number one complaint I hear from divorced men....That does NOT mean neglecting your children or bringing strangers home to your children prematurely before they are ready...Like the poster stated, there should be ample time for both partner and children with the understanding that some activities are adult activities and not suitable for children... If you cant do that, fine.. Sounds like you should wait until your kids are 18 before seriously dating someone...BTW, the girl never even tried to call her mother, she deliberately bothered her father because she knew he was on a date with me....She was being a brat... And a spoiled one at that....My expectations for children are pretty high...I expect them to be respectful towards people and to have manners..I set clear and consistent limits and boundaries with them..Including consequences when they break the rules...I dont allow them to verbally abuse or curse me or their parents in front of me.......And you know what?..They usually follow thru when Im in charge of them... ....If you think her disgraceful, immature behavior is okay for an 18 yr old, I seriously would question your parenting regarding the discipline of children.....I was brought up that children respected people or they were punished.....It seems that today..there are no consequences for bad kid behavior and parents just get defensive or think its "cute"..Then they wonder why we singles run like hell away from them....I know very well how hard single mothers work...Ive been working with them for 20 years as their therapist and see very well how they dont put themselves or their partners first and are divorced and exhausted and on antidepressants because of it...We all need relaxing time for ourselves and everyone works hard.....Not just single parents so why turn it into a pissing contest of my "life is harder than yours"?...Sounds like you arent getting enough of that as well to be so defensive and angry about it...Glad to hear your daughters are doing well but please dont make any false assumptions and threats about me just because I touched a nerve here...Your overreaction is a prime reason why single people stay clear away from parents who cant hear whats being said because their own emotional baggage gets in the way of that..... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:42:52 AM |
It means that they have nothing left over to give to anyone so if you are the type who can accept scrap from the table and keep begging and hoping for more.....you'll play a tiny part in their lives.
Wow...is that what it means, eh? Well, you are finding wrong guys than..
I have plenty...(oh, see what I did there?..PLENTY... ..Plentyoffish..)
to give to women's...They just need to understand my situation.
Plenty of them does. ( There it is again..Plenty...because it is Plentyoffish..)
I totally agree that I don't like a profile with "I have xxx kids" or I have xxx grand children. I think their life is already full and no room for a woman except maybe in the bedroom. That's my opinion.
That's your opinion. And you have a right to express that.
I think you are wrong. That's my opinion. And I have a right to express that.
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:01:54 AM | I don't have a chip on my shoulder, nor did I blow anything out of porportion nor do I have MOMMY issues lol...I was simply telling what my mother did and that I wouldn't repeat it...I did not go and and on as some people do which would state that they haven't really dealt with it...I mentioned it fleetingly and that was it...so if you are such as good therapist, I suggest you stop your practice and get some more education behind you cause you are talking out of your butt!!!
You sounded like you were very angry yourself about what happened during your experience while dating a single father...hence the calling the girl a brat and I am sure you have used other descriptive words that would not be able to be said here. And you can't make me feel anything that I don't allow you to so no, I'm not all bent out of shape and I didn't lose any sleep over what you say, however this is a forum and I can respond to ridiculous posts such as yours, doesn't mean you touched a nerve or that I am overreacting...most people say others are overreacting because they fear that's what they have done themselves...but you would know that since your a therapist lol...its called guilt displacement... ...If the daughter was playing games, I would think it's probably because she thought you were an ugly person inside and out and just not good enough for her father...if she's done this to all daddy's dates then I would say yes she is being manipulative but if she does this to people like you then I would say that she's pretty crafty...doesn't mean I agree but crafty just the same...I do think that yes the younger generation has not been taught enough about respect towards the rest in the world but this point has been tossed around since Elvis, "those darn younguns"...But you make your own world what it is...
I am not responsible for all the single mothers kids out there, just mine, they have never been disrespectful towards a mate or potential mate cause you know what...I don't bring them around every single guy I am interested in and vice versa. If your expectations are so high for children then I find that funny since you DONT HAVE ANY...isn't it always the people that haven't been in those shoes talk the most about how they should fit? Or how bout this...you have a boyfriend now, surprise surprise, and I am guessing he is not a father so go have kids with him, raise them exactly how you expect them to be raised and go on top of the highest mountain and tell everyone about it...hopefully you wont fall off.
As for the working thing...you said how hard single people work and how valuable their time is...I simply commented on how ridiculous that statement was...we work just as hard hun, I never said my life is harder than yours...good therapist...what a good listener LMAO!!! I actually did go for counseling because I think that is good for the soul, especially when you have dealt with hard things...I am not ashamed to admit that nor am I ashamed to say that I have two children who father is dead and I have raised them solely on my own...I think I a have done a stellar job, and I think I am beautiful inside and out and I think I have a lot to offer to a partner, he will just have to understand that I have kids and seeing as I am the only one alive, I am going to be there for them throughout their whole lives...if he can not deal with that, I am sure that will be fine with me...that does NOT mean that I can't have him know that he would also be an important part of my life. So capegardengirl...nice that it took you two days or more to respond...you obviously put all your thought and education into your response but no w you are on ignore and I see you as someone who has no idea what you are talking about! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:48:36 AM | jellybellyjen.....
To put a child 1st is not in the best interest of the child, parent or parents relationship. Unfortunately, this has become the trend in the culture and part of the reason for spoiled, selfish, "the world should cater to me, revolve around me and owes me something" attitude!
The design of the family wasn't to elevate children above the parents or their relationship. Children are a blessing and should be loved, nurtured, taught and cared for with the goal of becoming independent, self supportive good citizens...but the love relationship of the parents should always supersede that of the relationships between the child and parent/parents.
SO to answer the OP's Question. I have raised my children, and while they were/are an important aspect of my life they did not/do not define me or my marriage relationship with my husband. I do find it a bit of a turn off to see that phrase as it tells me that I will be second in his life and I wont settle for seconds! I would expect a man to hold his children in high regard and esteem, but if a relationship were to become serious enough for marriage discussion I would expect him to put OUR relationship 1st!
However, on the other hand maybe they state this so that prospective dates know that scheduling may be a problem..... yet again, once a ground work is laid then I would hope that the SO would be included in activities and held in higher regard and esteem. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:48:42 AM |  the war on words here!
This is an open forum to express logical ideas not -confrontational on others thoughts-- everyone has equal rights to express their own thoughts!
There is a diffence between formal education rightfully applied and plan out non acceptance of proven educational experiences and knowledge.
I would love to see personal expression about why" children are a first priority" over war on words --seems to me many people spends to much time on the computer over the unknown aspects of others lives.JMHO | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:57:37 AM | let me further add...... I do not advocate dating just anyone or exposing your children to every Tom,**** Harry or Jane..... Children are to be protected from bad behavior of parents and dates.... I am talking from the standpoint of two mature adults raising children respectfully with the welfare of the child always considered. We all should make sacrifices for our children.... and if that means sacrificing a dating life or love life until you children are raised then that's that.
The above post was in answer to a post about children always being 1st.... and that isn't how God designed the family to work... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:12:02 AM | | no God designed it to be him first, family second, work, then everything else...but not everyone on here believes in God...as in the Christian God, I do but not everybody does so for some that last line is not applicable. And I don't believe that you have to have a life of celibacy or not being able to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex because you are a single parent...If you are unhappy, your children will be unhappy and since now God is being brought up, God made us for community with each other, to be in relation with each other and that all of us are meant to have a mate...I was never meant to be a single mom, its just how life happened or death, I guess in my case...So do I agree that in "sacrificing" for my children I should not be open to find the one God has in store for me? I don't think so. No God knows my true desires and he knows that I desire to have a loving and lasting relationship with someone who will not only be strong enough to care deeply for me but also for my children as well. If I was a single person with no kids, I would have no problem with dating a man that had kids himself...I just would want to make sure that he also had everything else I was looking for | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:33:10 AM | | Personally I think children should be a person's second priority after themselves (you can't look after them if you don't look after yourself). That said I understand why men put it in their profiles. Some women think they should take priority over a man's children. I've experienced this and seen that first hand within my extended family and strongly disagree with it. Though I have no children and don't want to produce any I would hope that any man I date with kids would feel this way. His kids should take presendence over me. You only get one shot at being a childs parent and it affects the rest of their lives. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:11:20 AM | | Intell Gurl...Sorry it took so long to get back to you then but I work for a living and am seeing clients who need my help....Since you are such a big supporter of therapy, Im sure you understand..Lets just agree to disagree....You are happy with your children and your life..I have no problem with that and never did....Your verbal tirade and false assumptions about what I did or didnt do is pretty rediculous and clearly shows you are far more angry about others things than what Ive said here...The daughter had not even met me yet nor did I call her or anyone any names...Whats your problem?....Taking pot shots at my fiancee is off limits....Attacking me in long tirades isnt the answer either to your anger...You do the very thing towards me you dont want others to do towards you....You dont have a clue as to my private life or what really happened here........Sounds like you need to call your counselor and deal with your mental health issues...Theres no shame in having mommy issues.....Its a shame that single people cant be honest about their experiences with dating and children, which was why I orginally posted in the first place, without angry parents with emotional baggage personalizing that, attacking, and blowing up.....That really brings the communication and listening to a screeching halt | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:43:17 AM | "I strongly believe that children should never be juggled/"
mykidsdadiam every part of life must be juggled in order to make sure you and your family have a full life.
Do you mean to say that if you were married and had children with that woman, that she all of a sudden becomes unimportant while you cater to your children? She's willing to share your life, give birth, and raise the children beside you, and she doesn't get to be a priority as well?
Do you only have one child? If you have more than one, you must understand juggling each of their needs so that each child gets attention, discipline and the opportunity to pursue their interests. If you don't believe in juggling the children, does that mean you choose one who gets all his/her needs met while the others are someone else's responsibility?
If you are telling the children they are the most/only important aspect of your life, how are they going to function in the real world where they are someone's student or employee and must share?
How will they develop healthy relationships with others (not necessarily romantic relationships) if they don't learn that you have needs for adult companionship and see you set boundaries with those other adults and watch your behaviour with other adults?
How will they learn to prioritize what's most important at any moment if they don't see that there are moments when their needs are the most important, moments when your needs are going to be met and moments when they and you have to be considerate of someone else's needs?
All of those aspects are part of a healthy human being and we, as parents, are charged with raising our children to BE healthy human beings.
Nutt | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:02:31 PM | I think that the biggest thing here is that people are saying things that don't need to be said.
Not having children, I'm not sure... but I'm not sure that one of the first things you say to someone that you're thinking about dating in normal life is, "My kids come first." That seems like it should be a given. It should be obvious. It doesn't need to be said.
Much like people who post pictures of themselves and then describe themselves as, "Cute, smart, and beautiful." (Which, if you used to describe yourself on a date, would make you seem conceited.)
When people say things that should be obvious to anyone with half a brain, it puts the other person on edge. When the other person is on edge they are far less likely to feel comfortable with you.
Should your kids come first? Sure! Of course! But I'm not sure that this is something that needs to be said. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:07:18 PM | Intell Gurl....
You have it right... however I didn't advocate celibacy or being alone, we were not created to be alone. The sad thing here is that I have seen single parents who's homes became grand central station with a revolving door in the hopes of finding love and all that they end up accomplishing is exposing their children to far too many "characters."
Thanks Nutt...great topic and how very interesting it is to see how varied peoples ideas of children, and the raising there of, are....maybe something to think about when talking with a prospective partner..... how do we raise the kids..... Ideologies should be VERY similar in this area or trouble broods on the horizon. | |
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