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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 5:36:25 AM | I think and dont quote me ... its to say that u arent just dating me ... u will eventually realize i have kids.... and meet them....and if they should get ill or need me for say a school function .. .sorry in essense u will come second..I think the men are just giving ya a heads up that u wont be there no 1 priority all the time.
If i was single it would be something i would want to know
and btw i do have kids from a previous relationship and my honey knows I will run to them in a pinch if and only if it is a need need situation.
For single people looking at other single people with kids u have to take that fact into consideration. I for one think it shows a good parenting skill... but thats just my two cents. | |
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diz73
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Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 52 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 5:40:16 AM | | i guess some people may read a profile and use their own experiences with single parents to judge a new person (such as thinking it means the kids rule the roost, not allowed to be corrected, be spoiled, etc etc) - but that just shows people use their jaded judgement too freely. i for one am quite happy to let someone else step in to correct my kids if they are being rude, out of hand, etc. i believe my kids should listen to all adults and show respect, so if they do something the person im with doesnt like (whether its a friend, someone im seeing, family member, coworker, stranger), i step back and let them deal with it directly. my kids do not see their fathers more than 4 times a year so i am literally their only parent and i feel my time with them is important. if someone else thinks thats a 'crime' and passes my profile by because of it, thats fine with me because they wouldnt be someone that would mesh with me anyway. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 5:47:19 AM | | of course if you have children when they are little they have to be thought of and be a top priority. not the only top priority but a top priority because it is possible to have more then one. but to the person who keeps shoving in everyone's face my kids come before everyone and everything ,well what will you do when they grow up. they will leave and get their own life and you will not be top priority to them. so all of their growing up years you have pushed away husbands or wives etc... aside all for the sake of being completely alone later on in years. you would do well to try to have a healthy balance between the priority you place on your children and everything else in life. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 5:54:14 AM | Not to hijack the thread but I do have a question for those who insist on stating their children come first. When you were married, still madly in love and living with your spouse and had your children, did you put them before your spouse? Did you say to your then spouse, "Now that we have children they will come first and you will come second"?
EDIT: Well said, Maryrachelle (msg 53). I have witnessed more than one single Mom laying a guilt trip on their grown children about how they sacrificed their life for them. I have witnessed more than one single Mom ending up living a lonely life as their children become adults and move on. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 6:00:26 AM | | The same statements reflect often in many womens profiles . For me I guess there is two intents . One Hey Ladies Kids coming , this is a package deal . And be warned there will be a time when I am going to have to delay dealing with some aspect of life including my partner because for this moment I have a child who needs a helping hand . By no means should this be a flag , just full disclosure . | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 6:36:19 AM | Maybe if I share ONE dating experience that Ive had since dating men w/children , I can get a MALE perspective here..... met a great guy, hit it off on many levels, after 5 dates either out somewhere or at my house, he asked me over to his house to watch a movie. He asked me to come around 9 so he could put his daughter to bed,bath,story etc. After approx. 10 min. into the movie a little head peeked around the corner, he introduced me as his friend, and went upstairs to put her to bed again. About 10 min later she came down wanting water, back upstairs, 10 min later needed a light on, 10 min later another story etc. I was asked to leave... on another date we decided to take his boat out for a moonlit picnic, daughter was with mom, no sooner had we got to the middle of the lake and started a picnic then his phone rang. Ex says daughter is sick, puts her on the phone and she says, "Daddy come home", picnic packed up and back to the marina. Next day he calls and sheepishly exclaims that his ex blew the situation out of the water and daughter had an ear ache. Interesting though I found out he had told his daughter that " he and his new friend where going on a picnic "? Does anyone here see sabotage from either the ex or the daughter ? lol I also had a relationship where he felt it was ok for the kids to climb in bed with us in the morning? Do I feel this strongly because I never wanted to be a parent? If I was on a date and EVERY time I had to leave because my career was on the phone, making calls, changing plans ,leaving you at the last minute, would this not become an issue? Or should I just never date a guy with small children? Any MEN care to say how they handle juggling kids and a new women ? I would hate to weed out a great guy on here and not respond because he has kids.... I have done that .  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:00:44 AM |
"my career is my top priority" , "my pets will always come first", or "my friends/family/hobbies are my life "
I don't say this that specifically in my own profile; but the fact I make it clear work and home renovations are taking top priority these days I pretty much almost do say it. What does it mean? It means, until my reno projects are finished I'm definitely not planning to meet anyone new and even when I do meet someone, to be honest, career comes first! Friends, family, and pets are also top pri0rities to me. I would say seeing the words "my children are my top priority","my children are my life"," my children come first " is a red flag that tells you that unless this person falls head over heels in love with you, they aren't going to put your happiness very high on thier priority list. I know for me because I don't have the time for drama, it would take a very special guy to get me to change priorities!!! You'd probably be better off finding someone who is ready to treat you as a high priority than set yourself up to compete for their time and interest!!!
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:03:12 AM | I don't have kids, but I've always understood the phrase "my children are my top priority"... and children SHOULD be the top priority, especially if they are young children. They're your offspring, your babies, pieces of you, lives that you've created.. and they should be loved, protected, and cherished.
My mother is 51 years old and dating, and she writes that we're her top priority, my brother and I. What she means is that, if her kids need her for something important, or her boyfriend needs her, her kids are going to win out. That's just how it is- blood is thicker than water. I'm a firm believer in "family first", and I take care of my own, before I take care of other people.
I don't see why it's a turn-off to read that children come first- is it because YOU want to be put first? Is it because you don't want to compete for that top spot?
I think a lot of people put that line in their profiles, because they've dealt with a lot of rejection over their kids- many people don't want to date someone with "baggage" (read: children), and when they find out that not only does a person HAVE children, but that those children come first, they bail. So this may be a bit of a screening system- "you take me and my kids as a package, or you don't take me at all". | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:08:57 AM | | I think people, guys and girls alike, put this in their profile, so that their potential date knows up front, that they are good parents. If their child becomes sick when a date is scheduled, the date will get put on the backburner. If you want this person to go out somewhere, that you will have to schedule time in advance. No spur of the moment dates. I think it is just a way for people to be upfront. | |
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BayOne
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Joined: 2/15/2007
Msg: 60 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:22:04 AM | Pincess Too.....I happen to agree with you. IF people are excellent parents, it is a given that their children are a top priority in their lives, if they are not good parents, this is something that I feel you will get to know as you get to know them and your relationship progresses. I also do not understand the need to put it on a profile where you are trying to attract someone. Do you really want a relationship with anyone that is so dense that you had to explain to them that your children are important to you? Hummm.... | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:22:23 AM | It's a shame that you (Princess) might not respond to someone because of their kids.
In the situation you described though, I could have easily viewed many men, including myself who would say "my kids are #1", which does not mean "I let them rule my world". In both times (the movie night, and the boat) I would have taken a minute to take care of her needs, but told her firmly and politely that she will be fine! I don't let my kids manipulate me!
Might I suggest then that perhaps you make a short list of situations you would feel are acceptable with kids, and unacceptable. If you find a great guy here, then basically ask him how he would deal with these situations. You seem quite thoughtful and reasonable so perhaps this would be a good solution. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:29:35 AM |
Any MEN care to say how they handle juggling kids and a new women ?
I have had to deal with this in my dating life. I have custody of my kids ever since they were very small.
Dating someone with kids is naturally going to be more complicated. It's not just how do you relate to the other person, but how do you relate with their kids, how their kids relate to you. Many many relationships involved. The complication goes up exponentially when two parents start dating.
For a long time, I didn't date because it was just too complicated. So, for most of their lives it has just been the three of us. When I started dating again, I had problems with my daughter getting jealous.
A parent has to walk a fine line determining what is a legitimate "issue" a child has and what is just acting out. And yes, there is a little bit of guilt involved. The kids didn't ask for their parents to divorce so you tend to feel guilty (or at least I do) introducing people into their world who may or may not stick around when the going gets tough. So, figuring out what's bullchit and what isn't is tougher.
My kids are older. I learned they had and were acting out causing problems because they were having to share their dad with someone else. I sat them down and finally told them that I was done with it. I told them I would always be there to listen to their concerns, but if they insisted on causing more trouble, I would make their life unpleasant. But irregardless, I was always going to have someone else in my life. So their choice was, act out, live an unpleasant life and share their dad. Or, try to get along, live a more pleasant life and share their dad.
So far, they've chosen option two.
Put your kids first. Let them know you will always be there for them. But don't let them run your life. It IS a tough balancing act. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:46:36 AM | If you read profiles completely, you'll often see phrases like "If my dog, cat, rhino doesn't like you, you're history"
The phrase is just fair warningof a fact of life.
When a parent is responsible for the well being and developement of a child, then s(he) 's responsible. Take all the vagaries and mischances in one person's life that can upset plans;
Add that total multiplied by the number of children. fudge in an extra 20%, because some kids have to jump off the roof of the garage AND the shed before they realize it's the jumping off that breaks the bone, not the building. That's the impact children have on the planned dating life.
A childless person may not grasp the teaching by example that parents are doing all the time. That throughout a child's developement there are uncountable, unique opportunities to give the first, correct lesson in reponsibility, promise keeping, perseverance, loyalty, etc.
That taking your child to console a friend who called , crying because her dog was killed, IS more imporatant than the matinee show at the Bijou. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:57:25 AM | | all this drama is way to much to deal with. i am so glad i dont date men with kids. to often you are stuck in the role of playing mommy to someone else's kids . either that or you are having to deal with a surly unruly brat and a ex who is out of control. thanks but i prefer peace in my life. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:00:12 AM | I agree with author of this thread. It sounds, “turn off” when people write in profile “ my children are my priority”. I have a son (he is grown now), I love him dearly, and he is “ My PRIORITY” if I need to make a CHOICE between him and someone else. And I don’t need explain it anyone!
But what written in profiles sound like every minute children are priority, all their desire, sometimes weird, comes fist, it is disrespectful to a partner!
Another “turn off” for me when people say in profile “ I love kissing, cuddling, public affection and etc.”. Does it mean you love to do it to everyone? If you mean to only “ especial one” so it comes naturally and don’t need be announced. Are there people who love someone don’t like to kiss him, touch, hold hands and etc? I don’t think so.
When it mentioned in profile it sound like you are into it all the time or you did not have it in you life and you warn others.
Princess too, I ended up in same situation as you (children jump in our bed and ect), mostly relationship was broken because children, I need a RESPECT! And woman like you need it too!
Even I am a mother of an adult son, now I even don’t answer a man with a small children or even teenager. It is sad because most of decent men have small children, but that is reality. Look for a man with grown children or no children. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:53:11 AM |
Maybe if I share ONE dating experience that Ive had since dating men w/children , I can get a MALE perspective here..... met a great guy, hit it off on many levels, after 5 dates either out somewhere or at my house, he asked me over to his house to watch a movie. He asked me to come around 9 so he could put his daughter to bed,bath,story etc. After approx. 10 min. into the movie a little head peeked around the corner, he introduced me as his friend, and went upstairs to put her to bed again. About 10 min later she came down wanting water, back upstairs, 10 min later needed a light on, 10 min later another story etc. I was asked to leave... on another date we decided to take his boat out for a moonlit picnic, daughter was with mom, no sooner had we got to the middle of the lake and started a picnic then his phone rang. Ex says daughter is sick, puts her on the phone and she says, "Daddy come home", picnic packed up and back to the marina. Next day he calls and sheepishly exclaims that his ex blew the situation out of the water and daughter had an ear ache. Interesting though I found out he had told his daughter that " he and his new friend where going on a picnic "? Does anyone here see sabotage from either the ex or the daughter ? lol I also had a relationship where he felt it was ok for the kids to climb in bed with us in the morning? Do I feel this strongly because I never wanted to be a parent? If I was on a date and EVERY time I had to leave because my career was on the phone, making calls, changing plans ,leaving you at the last minute, would this not become an issue? Or should I just never date a guy with small children? Any MEN care to say how they handle juggling kids and a new women ? I would hate to weed out a great guy on here and not respond because he has kids.... I have done that .
Sabotage..?? Yep. Sounds like the EX was using the Daughter to Sabotage the the date.
As for the Daughter interrupting yer evening... seems that Daddy needed to put his foot down. I think the problem with this situation was that he has/had some under lying guilt and to make amends for it. He has overcompensated by catering to his daugthers whims.... It sounds like to me he may other issues that may not be readily apparent.
Yes Kids are a priority...but NOT to the extent that they *run* yer life. I think many single parents let this happen. Although their intentions are admirable, more likely than not, the children grow up to be spoiled. How can the children gorw up to be Independant and productive members of society if all they know is that the *world as they know it* will cater to their every whim.... Children learn this at a very early age. They learn that everytime they *cry* someone will come running.
To be sure... just as your Career... Parenting is a Juggling act in the Best of circumstances, only to be compounded when done alone. But, a person still has to maintain a sense of *self* during to whole process. As in all things, there must be balance.
Just my worthless $.02 | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:20:30 AM | These skewed priorities with some mothers are a bit over the top. I've seen firsthand where mothers kids are GROWN UP , yet mom's daily priority is STILL her kids.
LTRs should be the priority. If not, it will suffer to some extent, if not completely. How do I know? BEEN THERE. Sure, there are times when kids take a greater priority as needed for their welfare and care, but not everything in their lives.
If the LTR isn't maintained with sufficient attention and right priority (due to motherly desires being out of control - in this case), then it ain't gonna last. It may last for a while...but eventually man starts getting a bad vibe about it. Though it may not generate a direct complaint from him, other things will be used as the reason because no guy wants to give the impression that he doesn't like kids.
When I come across the statement that the OP has mentioned, I skip over that profile. I just don't need to start an LTR that I know, for sure, will bottom out down the road. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:23:38 AM | The "parent" comment in profiles gets on my nerves b/c it's like these women have a chip on their shoulders.
Women who deal with me know I have kids and I let them know when my kids come first. My kids don't come first 24/7 b/c I am not with them 24/7. My problem has been with women who don't accept or respect it when I tell them i'm busy or unavailable because I have my children or I already have plans with my children. I'm quick to put those women in their place.
But I don't need to announce "my children come first" in my profile. By reading my profile I think it's apparent enough that I have parental responsibilities and of course I have to plan most of my activities around those responsibilities. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:30:45 AM | Honestly, there very well may be women out there who assume that would be the case in any relationship...but there are MANY women out there who dont say it, but their actions show that they expect to be above all else..and Im sure there are men out there that are the same way...but when it comes down to it...if my boys need me and I have something planned with you...guess what...they get first dibs...and although my profile doesnt say those words, I commend ANY parent who brings that to the table...
Secondly, if you dont have children, you can't relate...no offense...you are trying to understand something that you have no experience with. | |
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| Explain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:34:25 AM | rjpeagles,
I like your statement "WHEN my kids come first" (capitals, mine). I see that as a good way to project that there are times when that happens, yet it doesn't blanket the issue with child-priority to a prospective love-interest. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:47:16 AM | ok well because you dont have children this may be out of your league or taste. Alot of people state that their children come first and are top priority because their children are little and they are our life. I need you to know that I accept your honesty in that this turns you off. Quite simply everyone has something in their profile that would turn others off, thats life, hence why so many people are on here!! Know that I chose to respond to someone who has it in his profile that he puts his kids first, and as a single mom to a lil boy whos father has never put him first or even on his priorities list, it is refreshing. There are alot of dead beat dads and moms out there, so this is a good sign to those of us who have children that these people are responsible outgoing parents. Dont look at it as a hindrance, look at it as a possibility to join in their joy of raising children, because whether you like it or not if you choose to get serious with someone with children you will take on some aspect of a relationship with their life. Anyways I guess the long and short of it is, that we all have our own tastes and opinions, im proud that my bf is a great father to his kids, just as proud as he is that I am a great mom to my son. So dont allow yourself to be turned off unless you cannot handle someone elses children, yup that turned into a novel  | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:49:55 AM | think people, guys and girls alike, put this in their profile, so that their potential date knows up front, that they are good parents. If their child becomes sick when a date is scheduled, the date will get put on the backburner. If you want this person to go out somewhere, that you will have to schedule time in advance. No spur of the moment dates. I think it is just a way for people to be upfront.
yaaay she said it better than my novel | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:51:10 AM | | Great question, as a single father of 2 raising mt kids myself I may be able to give you a guys perspective. Although it may be the same as a womens. Yes our kids come first and you would be secondary, this is the way it should be as life partners come and go but your kids are there for you, with unconditional love. If your lucky enough they will be there when your old and grey as well. Where will your ex be, who knows? Here is the awesome thing about kids, even if your to fat, to skinny, a smoker, a loser, a winner, and in some cases even a drunk, your kids will love you. Case in point. Just look at the profiles on POF. People are looking for the right this or that, without baggage etc etc. At the end of the day my kids and I are there for each other. i have never been in the dog house with my kids, Ive never gotten the silent treatment from them, and never been chastised by them. They and only they give me 100% support even when Im not at my best. And the most awesome thing about them is they don't try to "Change me". This doesn't mean that you can't have an awesome relationship with someone with kids but it does mean that you have to be understanding about the realtionship between the kids and their parent and some times be secondary. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:05:31 AM | To add to my previous statements for clarity: BALANCE is what I see lacking. There's very little of that today. Most people are on the extreme one way or the other and something/someone suffers.
Most of the single parent situations have that imbalance. Not all, but most. Unless both sides of this are approached with the right balance, it really doesn't work in the long run. Personally, I see the profile statement as being a little in-your-face and that's why I avoid it. I understand women's feelings about it, but a little common sense approach can work wonders. (yes, I have kids too, but they are grown now) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:05:56 AM | | Mster Mom, you are just selfish, you need children to support you doesn't matter what. But remember, children can loose a respect to you too one day if you give them a reason. You are your priority, not children , at least it sounds this way in your post. | |
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