| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:09:33 AM | Personally I never write that in my profile but I can understand why people do.The reason is probably because there are those who get jealous of the kids and dont get it when the parent needs to put the child first for example: "sorry I have to take my child to a hockey game and I cant see you tonight".I went out with a man once that was extremely jealous of my son taking my attention and he was only 4 yrs old.But then he had a problem with getting along with sons but got along great if the woman had a daughter..
My question is why would you feel less important if you were second in your mates life over a child? So what? Its common sense that the child would be first, obviously you dont have kids if you feel less important so you wouldnt understand.
My child is now 18 but he has always been my number one supporter and friend.He has always stood by me when the jerks were ....well jerks,lol.So yeah you are damn right he has always taken priority but I have never had a problem with giving both men in my life equal attention... its called balance. On the other hand if you cant balance both then you shouldn't be looking for a relationship.
Like I said until you have a child you just dont get it. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:13:26 AM | Well...Im guessing here because I don't have that on my profile...I do have kids...and they are a priority in my life.
But Im guessing MOST of the profiles that say my children are my top priority are people with young kids. This means they really do have to plan their life around school, friends, vacations, social events for the kids, etc etc. I think its often times hard for single people with young children to date...and they want the people that are considering dating them to know up front that they place the needs of their children above the needs of dating. That means that you really do have to get along with the kids (if you plan on having a LTR)...that you really need to understand that plans sometimes need to be changed...that you can't always do something on the spur of the moment. I also think a lot of information contained in profiles are the direct result of an experience directly related to dating online...sort of defense mechanisms.
My children are older...but I will say...if an emergency came up regarding either one of them...their needs would come before mine or the needs of my date.
People who don't have children sometimes have a hard time understanding the NEED to be one with your kids...the responsiblity involved. Its not unlike people with children not understanding or not relating to NOT having that responsiblity.
Its all in how you look at things I guess.
Of course this is just my opinion...I could be wrong.
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:45:04 AM | This thread has been of particular interest to me. I keep coming back and reading all the latest posts.
I have a totally perfect. incredibly wonderful child under the age of ten. I am a completely less than perfect mother who is trying to do her very best as a single parent.
My goal is to raise my child to adult hood, to leave me, and become a happy, productive, self supporting person. The key word here is "to LEAVE ME". When she leaves me - I will be alone. Should I wait until she is eighteen to pursue a relationship? Dr Laura would say so. But I say 'no'.
If I should find someone - that someone would be top priority for me as I would expect to spend the rest of my life with them. This does not mean that I would be any less of a mother to my child. It means that this man in my life would be treated by me as if there was no other. I would expect and want the same.
Unfortunately, I have experienced the 'children comes first' syndrome. It doesn't feel either right or good to me. If I am going to "love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health" someone for the rest of their life then I will not stand for being number two. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 10:47:57 AM | it relates to the same fear single woman with children have ! they always say im not looking for a father for my children! woman tend to be overly concerned that men will run if they know they have kids...and in truth men do..but when the shoes on the other foot so to speak..... as a defense mechanism they put it out front that they have children to feel like a secure person, so they say my kids are my life and come first..when what they really mean is I"M lonely and want to meet some one thats not going to be affraid of the fact that i have children and a possible ex that could cause drama in a new relationship and the other concerns that can happen when kid are invovled in a new relationship..so it takes a certain kind of person to be ready for that kind of dynamic situation! hence knowing up front weeds out the weaker of the herd!
but also some men try to use it as a look at me im a good daddy thing....thinking or hoping it makes them more appealing! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 11:56:19 AM | | I belive that those who don't place thier children first are bad parents...I myself find myself, not having the time sometimes to take my daughter for a few days.Or as often (everyday) as I would like.I need rest and a piece of my mind also, But those who would give up every oppurtunity for thier children "GOD BLESS" for the strength and patience to live For SOMEONE else..cuz when you have children its no longer YOUR life or YOUR choice that Just effect YOUR life...You now have someone else to worry about, and care for, and makes sure to survive the best way possible in this cruel and disgusting world! So expecially if I see A man with a Profile stating that his children come first...what a good man.. NOT A TURN OFF for sure! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 12:00:54 PM | Be aware that this should be read in the context of two adults having a serious relationship, with thoughts looking to very long term/marriage, and not two people who are just meeting and or have been on 2 dates. I wouldn't want any guy to introduce me to his children unless we were at the point where we were entering serious relationship.
I've never understood the need to put this in a profile either. In my mind, a parent should be responsible for their children, whether they're full or part time parents. I wouldn't want to date anyone who didn't play a huge part in their child'rens life and whose children didn't play a huge part in theirs. But I also don't need it stated upfront that their child comes first, as what that implies to me is that regardless of anything, I will never be important to them...and if I have a relationship, that person *and* their children will be important to me, so if we've decided to be in an exclusive relationship then I should be important to them as well. If my SO were to have children, I would love them not only because they're his, but for who they are themselves, and it would be no less than I'd love my own biological children (if I had any...and as I unfortunately don't, I may just love his children even more).
There are numerous times when children must come first, especially when they're younger; that's a given and that's how it should be. But there are also times when the relationship comes first and needs to be nurtured, or else the relationship will suffer. and this is true whether it's the two biological perents still married ot each other, or a biological parent and their new partner/spouse. I've seen too many marriages that have broken up once the kids are grown because the parents always put their kids first and didn't attend to their relationship...they always figured they'd do it when the kids grew up, only now they have nothing left in common anymore.
Having a spouse/partner and children is a balancing act and the adults need to figure out how best to balance things, or they'll all suffer for it. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 12:09:57 PM | I wanted to add something to what I wrote before.
I think that if somone puts the 'priority' comment on their profiles, they might just be expressing their affection for their children this way. It doesn't have to be boasting, it doesn't have to be showing the whole world: 'See - I am responsible'. It doesn't have to mean: 'I am looking for the mummy/daddy for them'.
This is just the way of expressing themsleves. I don't understand how can you judge a person basing on this statement... I mean, we're free to judge however we wish everyone around, but to me it seems silly.
I have got to know a few people on this site (women AND men) who have those words written in their profiles, and they are all wonderful, intelligent, loving and caring people. AND parents. I can see how much you can miss on taking the 'priority' statement as a turn off.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 12:11:16 PM | In my opinion, I think there are multiple reasons people write this in their profiles.
1. It's a "warning" or notice (for lack of a better word) to selfish individuals who are looking to spend every waking moment with the person. It's just not possible when you have kids (well, I'm ASSuming because I don't have kids myself.) Kids DESERVE to be #1 in their parents' lives and never 2nd to a potential love interest. To be honest, if I was suppose to go on a date with a woman and found out she pawned off her sick kid to make our date, it would actually be a HUGE turn-off for me. Too many kids don't get the attention they need at home (as a former school teacher, I've seen too many neglected kids.)
2. As sad as it sounds, I think some write it because it's become cliche or trying to "keep up with the Jones's." I know that's a horrible way to put it, but in my opinion, I think this is the case in some (but VERY FEW!)
3. I think some put it in their profile to scare away "players." Unfortunately, it doesn't work!
4. Finally, I think it is a deterrent for anyone who doesn't like kids or isn't sure how they feel about them. I know there are some on this site who will not date anyone with kids and the phrase will scare them off thus saving the person future headaches. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 12:16:31 PM | The amount of parents who DON'T give a toss about their kids is worryingly high.........to say they are your number one priority says your a top fella.......
I think its a good thing and some folk are just splitting hairs needlessly. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 1:32:17 PM | my boys are 18 16 and 14 and guess what...they are STILL my top priority...
How many school closings have we seen because a child has a gun...or a knife...or something that does what...what does it do???....GIVES THEM ATTENTION...hmmm....we think our children arent already thinking about why they dont see Dad as much as before...or why Mom wants to get a sitter because she has a date?....it is OUR responsability as PARENTS to make up for our shortcomings...and whether or not people out there want to believe it...your children are yours until they or you die....so yeah, if it comes to you or my boys...my boys will get the nod 101 times out of 100...if a woman cannot handle that...cya... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 1:44:02 PM | | It goes along the same lines as the fact that the only names I will EVER have tattooed on my body are my childrens names. I was with my ex for 15 years, until the last year or two things looked like they would last forever, but that was proven as false. The only people I can truely count on to be in my life forever are my kids. No matter what happens, how many arguments we may have or how frustrated we become with each other, nothing can or will change that relationship. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 2:42:38 PM | OK so my options are either be prepared to be second or not date guys with small children? Good thing at my age most men who I'd be dating have children out of the nest, college etc. So maybe parents should stick to dating other parents and those of us without kids date similarly ? Certainly would be easier ... Guess I'm going to have to give up the 30 year olds .... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 3:15:46 PM | MSG 79 Delectableone ..... YEAH ! YOU GET IT! Now if you were only a MAN and lived closer I would be asking YOU out on a date ! LOL Everyone else " YES KIDS SHOULD BE A TOP PRIORITY " thats isnt up for debate, its how you handle it and do you need to have it as a focal point on a DATING site.... not on a mothers/fathers day card here.... Who really wants to be second , either implied or factual, and its certainly not something thats going to make me more interested in messaging for a date? One more thing ,  the comment that because I " DONT have a child I just dont get it ? " Please, I'm not an idiot! But I do have a scenario for YOU ... maybe YOU DONT have a career that involves "creating "companies from scratch and "growing " them into mutimillion dollar enterprises? I found myself at a very young age, not knowing what I was doing, putting in 7 days a week,nights,holidays. I had to be totally "accessible", had to "cancel many personal plans", "made sacrificies"and "compromises". I "chose" this life and also had the "privilege" of "nurturing" these "infant" companies and watching them grow into what they are today. Self sufficient, strong and now finally in need of little of my time. BUT I also had NO balance in my life, my "career came first" was my "top priority" and hence divorce, and here I am on a dating site . Hey, almost sounds like I might as well have been a parent? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 6:12:38 PM | I think to avoid getting responses from selfish people who are so spoiled that they cant be in a relationship if they are not first. I am a single guy no kids ,90% of the women i have dated in the past 13 years have had kids. they all put them first and I would have dumped them in a heartbeat if they did not put there kids first. I am a grown man can entertain myself, take care of my self, feed myself, etc... have grown up made important descicions lived through teen age tragedies, the kids need there parents for all that, if i ever saw myself taking that from somones kids i would end the relationship.
we go out when the kids are at the other parents or at church or visiting grandparents or whatever or if its serious they go places with us. if you dont want somones kids to come first then date people without kids and for gods sake dont have any of your own. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:18:12 PM | I agree, that single parents , especially those with full or 50% custudy want to let potential interested parties know that their children will take priority in their life. I have known people whose dates didn't really like playing second fiddle or being inconvenienced by interruptions from the children. The children will grow up and be gone someday but there is no reason that you can't have a relationship with someone now. They just have to realize they can't be #1 priority all the time but when its just the two of you they can be #1 and thats just the way life is. If you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen.
Sandy:) | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:34:41 PM | There are a few things that ... go without saying. And those few things (to me) should be left out of the profiles.
- my kids come first
- friends first
Those are both of the “well duh” strain. To me they both look out of place on a dating site profile.
They are both “WARNING SIGNS”. I just don’t think warning signs are necessary.
Anyone that don’t understand the child/parent connection needs professional help. Guys that don’t know they are never - going to be on equal ground (as important) to a gal as her children ..... just don’t get it.
I am not going to get into my ran about “friends first” but ....... it is an insult to a respectful male. It is saying “I deserve respect” - but I don’t respect you. If I did respect you I would not have to TELL YOU to be respectful to me.
Personally since I fully feel those two items - go without saying - I try not to take it personal and ......... ignore those when I see them in a profile.
A few things just ........ go without saying. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:54:24 PM | | this is great..... i had a girlfriend lately that would get upset at me for the amount of time i spent with my kids... so sometimes i think you have to make it ckear to some , they are a priority... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:28:12 PM | My children are my top priority because:
- I have chosen to stay at home and so this makes my children also my career.
- They are still young and in these formative and most important years I want to ensure they get off to a great start in life.
- Their father is not involved so I feel it even more important to give them as much attention as I possibly can. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:34:29 PM | I have a different take on this.
If you are a single parent raising your minor children alone, then your children are your top priority.
If you have minor children, fall in love, and decide to get married, your new spouse becomes the top priority in your life and TOGETHER you make the children a priority. The step parent feeling left out, not supported by their spouse in front of the kids leads to a lot of divorces.
Telling a woman (or man) that they're good enough to marry, good enough to sleep with, and good enough to help you raise and financially support their kids, but are only "second best" is likely to earn you a huge amount of resentment in time.
I married a man with a daughter. I was always number one. She never tried to overstep her bounds because her dad made it clear that I was his wife, and was to be respected, no ifs ands or buts. Therefore there never was any room for her to decide to do anything other than get along with me. Of course, I also did my part to make get along with her. Sometimes she and I even went on vacations without her dad, and we developed somewhat of a friendship over the years despite the fact that I'm an East Coast work ethic type and she's kind of California fruits and nuts.
The relationship between the adults is paramount, and in the end the kids are better off for it.
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:39:48 PM | | MANY men I know say those things because that's what the world wants to hear. It's part of the dance. I knew a man who was a "proud father" and he abandoned his family for a girl half his age and saw the kids once every 3 months. Wow. He's so proud. Haha. Many people, of both genders, on these kinds of websites will say what they think others want to hear instead of taking the time to be real or honest. Simple. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 8:58:13 PM | I don't have kids but totally understand this...I take it to mean the man or woman who posts that has run into people who asked them to choose or who got upset when something came up. I am guessing they didn't think it needed to be spelled out either until they met people who didn't understand it.
Of course the children should come first, whether single dad or mom when dating...
If you have minor children, fall in love, and decide to get married, your new spouse becomes the top priority in your life and TOGETHER you make the children a priority. The step parent feeling left out, not supported by their spouse in front of the kids leads to a lot of divorces.
I also agree with this, although I don't feel the new stepparent should really be disciplining the child, the parent should and the step parent should support. The two can and should discuss boundaries and come to an agreement in another time and place, but when the rule is put in place with the child the parent needs to be the head honcho. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:19:55 PM | | Actually, I like it when someone honestly states up front what really is the equivelent of 'you'll always be second best'. It lets me know where I stand, that there will never be a serious, commited relationship available, and I won't have to be worried about hurting their feelings; because if I'm never going to be number one in their life, then they of course could never expect to be number one in mine. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:43:21 PM | wow.......being called 'selfish and spoiled' on this thread and for what? Because I feel that a loving nuturing relationship with someone that I am committed to being with is of equal priority as my child. What the hell are we really disagreeing on here? Does this really have to have a numeral ranking? Maybe all this number one and number two shyte is the problem.
Its pretty obvious that the relationship you have with your committed love interest is different from the love you have of your child. A good parent is a good parent irrespective of whether they have an s.o. in their life or not. If you personally don't think you are capable of giving full attention to both - then don't date for crips sake!!
I've always said blood is thicker than water. So to the guy with the tattoos of his kids on his body. Sure, why not. But consider this. You don't have a choice in your relatives....but you do choose who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Free will to love someone wholly and completely. If you find that special someone, then they deserve to have not only equal billing but indeed top consideration. | |
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