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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/27/2007 11:27:42 PM | | This is my first time writing in forums... but i have read all statements and opinions but none have included me so i felt a need to answer this question.I write that "My Children Are My Top Priority"because I have two children who are terminally ill as much as i would love to have a SO in my life i know personally that SO will unfortunately take a backburner in my life if my children were hospitalized.I write this on my profile so that one will know that no matter what happens there is a time and place for everything, need being are my children,they didn't deserve such an illness but hence they were born with it,ME, As a Mother,Must in all Respects dedicate her life to her failing Children,though i would love to have another partner to help me through this i know i am alone and if by some small chance someone reads my profile and sees it for face value then i found a true friend.Yes there are sometimes hidden agendas ,but sometimes one must take the incentive to find out what a person is about.Please don't bash me i write what a feel........... | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 2:19:58 AM | Princess Too
I have some of the very same questions in my mind when I read this in a profile. Women seem to put it in theirs alot.
I Don't want to get into a relationship with someone where I am always coming in last. I do have children and it is a given that there needs have a priorty over other things. But does that mean that one can not think about there partners feelings becuase they are not as important as their children? I believe that there is plenty of time in a given day for both children and partners. I don't think anyone would blame someone for taking the time to care for their children. But to tell a potential partner you will never come in first is a red flag to me.
I have been with a woman who actually wrapped her whole life up into her children and said that they always come before a man. Her children are spoiled and not very nice adults now. And as for her she is all alone and can not figure out how to spend her life now that her children are out on there own.
Pretty sad if you ask me. You need a balance in life.
I love my children and would do anything for them but there was time for them and sometime for me. If you love someone there is no pecking order. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 6:45:11 AM | ...- my kids come first
- friends first
Those are both of the “well duh” strain. To me they both look out of place on a dating site profile.
...I am not going to get into my rant about “friends first” but ....... it is an insult to a respectful male. It is saying “I deserve respect” - but I don’t respect you. If I did respect you I would not have to TELL YOU to be respectful to me.
Well said Ron. Plus, who bases a relationship on the content of a Internet profile? Once you start communicating with someone it should become obvious through normal conversation the importance of one's children. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 6:52:44 AM | Yeah, I usually skip over those that say things like "My children are my life" or "The most important thing". I won't respond to that because my automatic thought is "Obviously you have your priorities set, what do you need me for?", which leads me to the thought that some are looking for someone to take over the role of "Daddy" first and everything else second. I'm not saying that's how it actually is but if I want children first, I'll go to the adoption agency.
If I meet the love of my life and I know it's right and that woman has children, so much the better.
Also, it's kind of difficult for me because, at 40, I really don't have a deep desire to raise children. I don't have any of my own and unless there is a strong connection, I really don't want to learn.
IMHO
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 7:46:10 AM | Maybe, just maybe, they state it because that is how they feel. My kids are my world. I really could care less if someone does find that offensive.
Maybe they don't state their career or friends come first, because their isn't the strong parental bond between those things and them selves. A child is part of the parent. Their flesh and blood. Not comparable in ANY way to a job, friends, pets.....shame on you.
I have children, and I see absolutely nothing wrong when a person stresses the importance of their kids. Is it a no brainer? not really. Because there is people out there with kids that DO put their dating and other partners first and for-most. That, in my eyes is wrong. The adult can function/survive on their own- a kid can't. Maybe when/if you ever have kids, you will realize that. Maybe you should ask your sister/brother who comes first in their lives., and whether they would ever put a dating partner above their kids....
P.S. I put the phrase "my children are my world" at the end of my profile. It's more likely to be remembered that way. I make it a focal point, because I want the readers to know that I am a VERY dedicated mother. I want them to understand that I may have to cancel a date if the kids are sick. I may not be free every weekend, if the kids have an activity. It lets them know right off the bat that I am kid friendly and kid oriented- and that my perfect match would understand and be that way also if they had kids. Its pretty much a way of life that a non-parent wouldn't understand. Sure you may adore your neices/nephews- but the parental bond is not there. It's not the same feeling period. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 8:01:09 AM | It means what it means.
The "top" is, well -- the highest level which is possible. Priority means, a person, place, or thing, or a concept of mind, which is of significance in the present moment.
Put it all together, children are the highest "significant" focal point for them at this present time. This concept ought no be hard to grasp given it's vast and widespread implications of this behavior and instinct in the survival of every creature on this planet, including humans. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 9:45:32 AM |
OK so my options are either be prepared to be second or not date guys with small children? Good thing at my age most men who I'd be dating have children out of the nest, college etc. So maybe parents should stick to dating other parents and those of us without kids date similarly ? Certainly would be easier ... Guess I'm going to have to give up the 30 year olds ....
C'mon.......just because you have hang ups about playing second fiddle to a child shouldn't make you so cynical.
Out of all the humans I have met..........and its been a fare few.....KIDS ARE THE BEST.
Particulalry those belonging to other people......you can hand them back after you have wound them up.
Get over yourself OP.................seriously.........its obvious you had your mind made up anyway. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 109 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 10:50:02 AM | I suppose some folks will put "my children are my top priority", is to let the potential date know that they aren't going to be the center of attention. Honestly, I don't think it should be put in one's profile. If the children are young, it's more than reasonable that for the most part, they will come first. At the same token, if you don't have time to date because of the demands of young children, you shouldn't have a dating profile on here.
If one does date and they have young children, make sure your date feels appreciated and cared for, when you do spend time together. There's nothing wrong with having a "date night" in a relationship where you do take time away from the kids. When you do spend time together (alone) try to focus on each other. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 11:47:24 AM |
If I should find someone - that someone would be top priority for me as I would expect to spend the rest of my life with them. This does not mean that I would be any less of a mother to my child. It means that this man in my life would be treated by me as if there was no other. I would expect and want the same.
Interesting thought and concept considering that ,by the way it reads, it is contradictory in and of itself. By placing yourself in a state where you are treating a man/woman as if "there is no other" you are in fact denying the simple truth that your child exists. I can't see myself ever saying to either of my kids.."Hey you guys are second place to me because I got married. My thoughts now are this. I will keep you around till you get old enough and then make sure you are gone because you are only here temporarily in my life. So go sit in the corner and be quiet unless I ask for your presence. " Nothing like tearing a kids ego to shreds and making sure they know where they stand with the person who gave birth to them.. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 12:02:51 PM | While I’ve never been first on any female’s totem pole of importance - I do have two step daughters that have called me “dad” for 21 years now. They both mean it one more so than the other one.
My first wife (16 years) was full blooded Italian - I was 2nd to every member of her family including aunts and uncles.
My 2nd wife (17 years) had the two little girls. The “trick” is not to push it into the other person’s face. Which in my case never ever happened. She never once tried to override me. She not only let me be “dad” she wanted me to be dad.
I made all the dad decisions around here - she made all the mom decisions around here. She used me on the tuff ones “ask your dad” - it all worked out pretty good - and I have two daughters that I would have never had (no bio kids of my own).
Meshing of the “step” parent works IF ........... the natural parent wants it to work. BUT ....... I got my two at 5 & 7 and their bio dad was not around to poison them on me and their mom was thankful that I was a good father figure.
I can see what an mouthy teen may cause to a “step” parent esp if the bio parent is feeding them crap while he/she is with the teen. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 12:19:52 PM |
I've always said blood is thicker than water. So to the guy with the tattoos of his kids on his body. Sure, why not. But consider this. You don't have a choice in your relatives....but you do choose who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Free will to love someone wholly and completely. If you find that special someone, then they deserve to have not only equal billing but indeed top consideration.
lol.. I love this... The "you don't have a choice in your relatives" part is funny. Human beings are the only creatures on this planet with FULL CAPABILITY to decide whether we are going to have kids or not. So yes, in the case of children, you DO choose your relatives. When making that choice you are placing yourself in a position to be a leading influence, protector, and guide to someone else. YES, they become adults and find a life and a time of their own, but it NEVER changes the fact that YOU are their parent. Try it like this, a man comes to you and says.. "Hey, get rid of the kid and we can go out, maybe even get married. " WHERE are your priorities going to be? You might love the man to distraction and feel he is one of the best people you know. So by YOUR thinking it comes time to deny the existance of the child, give them to the other parent or put them up for adoption and then live your life as YOU want to live it, placing someone else, who is not even your blood, ahead of a child that you gave birth to. Cold, callous, and heartless... at least in my opinion anyway. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 1:32:15 PM | Reading something like “my children are my top priority","my children are my life"," my children come first.”
Yes “a red flag.” I find it something of an insult to my integrity. Of course the inexorable link between mother is more important than some random person your trying to meet from a dating site.
So why do these women labour the point? Are they trying to look caring, because they are over compensating; are they saying they will treat you as disposable so if you can't hack it, don't bother?
One of the things that convinced me to ask somebody out, she only ever seemed to be on IM after 10pm. I surmised the children in question were of school age, she was being protective without trying having the ability to compartmentalise her life. More, I was not being 'positioned' from the get-go. And when she did mention her children it was positive, reflective of the kind of parenting I received.
At the risk of alienating myself even more from the single mothers; I liked the idea of not having to get involved, been there done that. Enjoyed my time with the children, that was then. I like children, or they like me, one or the other. If a child “needs” to talk to me, I have time for them. But I'm not here for a family.
The excitement of staring out with a girlfriend appeals more. I don't see any reason for a woman to state the bleeding obvious, that children come first. They should have nothing to do with your flirting.
I don't even see why those looking for 'long term' need to make the statement. Unless they are specifically looking for a moron? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 1:42:57 PM | This was one of the main points that I put in my own profile. As a single Mom I don't have much time for a relationship outside of my family. I hoped that this statement would provide a clue to those reading my profile that my availability is limited! However, there is always time to be found if that special someone should come along .
When I read this in a man's profile I take it to mean that he has a very caring and loving relationship with his children--something that I, personally, value highly. In the early stages of a relationship the "girlfriend" should take second place anyway! His kids will always be a part of his life--will the girl?
Maybe he is trying to impress the ladies or maybe it is a red flag. Possibly he has been hurt before and afraid to let anyone get too close. Men have feelings too, ladies. They get hurt the same as we do. If he interests you, get to know him before you judge him!
These profiles are only written words...you cannot interpret the emotion that they are written with. You have to get to know THE PERSON!!!!!
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 7:53:23 PM | | Hey there "Mr. Codyellie " ..... in reference to your comment .. " just because you have hang ups playing second fiddle to a child shouldnt make you so cynical " I say go back and read msg 90 page 4 . ( lol ) Then you might want to read msg 56 on page 3? And no, I didnt have my mind made up already, as I stated I HAVE dated men with small children and because of those experiences I have started to NOT reply or message men with small children. That is WHY I started this thread to hopefully get some insight from MEN WITH CHILDREN on this dating dilema. I noticed that YOU dont have children of your own but that you are a teacher? Guess you might be a bit biased in your opinions. lol However, you are correct that I dont want to play second fiddle in a relationship and I wont TREAT the man in my life that way either. Thats why I'm only NOW looking for someone to share my life with because now my career is set and I dont need to spend long hours at work, my divorce is long settled and now a life partner is my priority. Moral of this story, priorities are different for different people at different times in our lives, whether its career,spouse, children etc. Date accordingly, lol, and make sure you and your potential "significant" other are on the same page! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/28/2007 9:57:44 PM | To MS1970.....hey Mike thanks for the flame. So I am cold, heartless and calculating huh? If you had bothered to read all my postings on this thread you would have read that I am the proud mother of the world's most perfect nine year old girl. You would have also read that I don't like using numbers in order of importance. This is absolutely not a concept one should be using in terms of either one's children or one's significant other. The bond between a parent and a child is completely different than that of your life partner. You are beyond insulting when you make ludicrous statements like tossing one's child aside when one finds a new mate. How ridiculous. No one on this thread is saying anything even remotely stupid as that. We are trying to discuss using the phrase ' my children are my top priority'. My assertion is that this statement is unnecessary. One's love for one's children is a given and so is the time and effort needed to raise them. I believe that if you find a life partner that fits all the parameters of your needs and desires (this of course includes fitting into your child's life) and you into his........then he should be afforded all the love and respect that he deserves. This is a different love than that of your child, but just as strong.
All of this hinges on you finding the perfect someone. Not just casual dating around. Hopefully you are not dragging home every tom,****or harry. The idea here is that if you are lucky enought to find your life mate, then this person deserves to have a star role in your life and not be relegated to a supporting role.
Princess too, I think you and I (and maybe a couple of other people) are the only ones that get this concept. Its not even a hard one to grasp.........go figure huh........lol | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:22:31 AM | | Well I think we have finally beat this subject into the ground. Thanks to EVERYONE who answered or tried to answer my original question. lol Which WAS why state the obvious that you have and love your children or is it said to LET ME know right off the bat that even though I may be willing and able to put YOU as my first priority now, say over a demanding career, I will not be first in your lif as a priority at this time? I have NOW noticed since this thread though, that there are variations to profiles that the men have and maybe I should go by this in making a decision of whether I could have a potential relationship with this person? Here is what I mean.... some men on here have their MAIN PROFILE pic or many pics of them with their children as well as actually writing on their profile " my kids come first and everyone /everything else comes in second in my life" ... so for all you WOMEN who are on here to date/long term and want to be SECOND in this mans life "apply now" ... in OTHER profiles the men MENTION they are divorced with children ..... NO pics of the children .... which I personally dont agree with anyway? YOU ARE ON AN INTERNET DATING SITE ... WHY not wait for our first date and show me the pics in your wallet ??? I would think about a date with a man if everything else fits and I read that profile. I guess its a matter of degrees, just like my ex grew to resent my demanding career and the time it took away from us as a couple I can see where I would feel this way where someone elses children did the same? I guess to be fair, where ONE woman views the statement "my children are my top priority and come first in my life" as a RED FLAG another woman sees this as a GOLD STAR ? | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/29/2007 3:06:29 PM | | As you can see, like everything the reasons vary. Some men are trying to get sympathy points, some are just trying to let you know they're a proud parent, some have had women try and "take over" the #1 spot in their life. The only way to find out why is to give them a chance and see what that particular man meant. | |
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Tarika
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Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 120 | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/29/2007 3:36:42 PM |
"my children are my top priority","my children are my life"," my children come first " etc.
I feel reading this... is like well I have no time for a relationship if my children dictate so! | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/29/2007 3:42:25 PM | I can see why a man might include that into his profile. I never would for a special reason. Though I think some women need to post that into their profile.
It means point blank, "I don't care who I date if my kids want me they come first. I won't even take time out to be with you if they want me for anything. Even if it is to order them todo their homework yet again."
It means they want a relationship, but they don't want to focus on that relationship. It also means their happiness comes in second place to that of their own children.
Now if you can deal with that attitude, you might can get a good relationship to work out.
I am not so sure I could deal with that. I've raised my son. I would never place my happiness before my son. But every parent differs in they type of relationships they have with their children as well.
In my views they are basically telling you that all of these other things are going to be above you in the Order. God first, kids second, job third and then maybe you.
Only reason I would frown on this aspect is because I believe the one you select to be a part of your life should be on the same level as yourself. And I believe ones own self should be at the top of the scale. For no man or woman can make it thru each day without taking care of themselves first. So it would be wrong to push all your Boyfriends/Girlfriends down below all the other responsiblities in your life. Unless of course all you want out of them is sex. For relationships are built on even grounds. | |
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| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/29/2007 3:56:48 PM | I don’t see anything wrong when a potential partner has her children her number one priority, as I will always put my children’s needs and feelings first, obviously as the dating ends and a serious relationship develops, then the priority of both parents will change into “their new family as a whole will be a priority”,
I have seen first hand what happens when you don’t have your children as your number one priority, my ex moved away with a man she had only just started dating, taking my girls away from their dad who was just a few doors away, just 3yrs later she is now rid of the man who hated my children, was a heavy drinker and violent, these things she would have seen if she had dated him first and had my two girls as her number one priority saving my 2 little angel from seeing the awful things that they did see | |
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mickc1
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Joined: 1/11/2006
Msg: 125 | |
| Expain the phrase My children are my top priority?
Posted: 4/29/2007 4:05:32 PM | i think it has a lot to do with setting some basic logical boundaries from the start.i am the same my sons needs and wishes come first even before my own ,thats what it is to be a father/parent,if someone is there that really cares for u he or she will respect that i think,just same as meeting parteners with kids ,id treat them as my own but when crunch came id have to put my own son first,even though i dont see my son as much as id like ,i love being his dad,and am so proud of him,hes only 11 but hes the best
regards mick | |
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