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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/16/2007 9:04:12 PM | Is there some odd racial thing that would prevent him from telling his parents? Is he a virgin? If a guy cannot commit in the real world and has to keep your relationship a secret... this means there is zero commitment = not real.
Hope your friend feels better and moves on to someone who is available to her on all levels...
IR | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/17/2007 8:06:16 PM | HE'S SCARED!
He lives at home = no money.
He drives 150 miles & spends £50 each time = He makes a lot of effort (for England) = There are NO cute girls near him, who would touch him with a 10-foot bargepole, or he's mad as a hatter for you, and gagging for you.
He turns you down for sex = wanting sex or not wanting sex is not the problem.
If he definitely wanted it, he'd have gone for it as soon as he could.
If he definitely didn't want it, he'd have not bothered with you, making such a huge effort, at all.
1. Has he never had sex?
2. Has he never had a long-term girlfriend?
3. Has he ever been bullied?
If the answer to all 3 is yes, then he could be love-shy. I just looked it up on Wikipedia, a few days ago. Says that this sort of thing is all too common, nowadays.
If he's afraid to have sex with her, because he'll get too upset that he can't be with her, then he's afraid this will be his one and only chance with her, and it's his first time, and he wants it to be a lot more than a one night stand.
Since he's travelling regularly to see her, the reason he feels he'll never get to sleep with her again is NOT the travel! He's already done a lot of travelling to see her, so that's not a problem. He's using that as a smokescreen.
It's because he's afraid that once he sleeps with her, someone else will come and steal her away from him.
If he doesn't talk about this girl, it may be that a similar girl liked him before, and other people screwed it up for him, probably in a similar manner.
That's where the bullying comes in. The guys who regularly got bullied always had good things taken away from them by the bullies. Especially girls.
As to marijuana, lots of marijuana users have sex. That's not an issue. But if he's nervous, it might be an indication that he's trying to use it to make himself more relaxed.
She needs to talk to him, in person if possible. She needs to reassure him that if it's not the best sex the first time, it's not a problem. That if the relationship does not for the rest of their lives, it's not a problem. And finally, that she loves HIM, and no-one else, and that no-one, not a well-meaning friend, or a guy, or anyone else is going to come between them.
I am speaking from a lot of experience here.
I have had a few girlfriends where I went and saw them a lot, but never pushed for sex, even though the girl was keen. I now understand that it was because I was so used to being downtrodden by other guys, and rejected by women, that I thought that no relationship would ever work out, and at most I would get used for sex.
Also, if she is putting up barriers, and he lacks confidence because he's never had a proper girlfriend, he will not think that he's finally convinced her to have sex. He will think that she's decided to have sex with him because she is fed up of not having sex, and is thinking that if he's not a proper boyfriend, she will find someone who will be a proper boyfriend. And if he lacks confidence, he will assume that he'll never be a proper boyfriend, even if they have sex.
So she could tell him that she wanted to wait until she was sure that knew him well and liked him enough to have sex, and she does know him well and she does like him that much. Simple as that.
He might even think that she will reject him after sex, because he lacks experience.
So she will have to tell him that she expects the first few times of sex, will be garbage for her, because SHE is not experienced, and not to worry about it, until they've done it several times together. That will take
I also do not tell friends or family about girls I like.
I won't even put them in the vicinity of a girl I like, in case they ruin it, because they have, several times.
So I would not be keen on someone who wants to meet my friends or my family, until we're so tight, that nothing and no-one can split us up.
So it might be better if she said that she's not keen on meeting his people, until he and she are really head over heels for each other.
It's really up to her. If she wants to go out and find a confident bloke who's willing to sleep with her right away, she can.
If she really thinks this guy is a decent guy, then get her to talk to him, and ask him the three questions up above. If the answer to all 3 is yes, then she should tell him he's love-shy, that it affects about 1-2% of men, and is perfectly normal, and nothing to worry about, and she's not running after anyone else, and she's still keen on him.
I don't think he's such a jerk, because all the women who write about liars, cheats and all that, tend to say they DID sleep with him, and he never made much of an effort with them, except when sex was involved. This guy appears to be the opposite.
All conjecture, but if I'm right, she'll make him very happy, and very confident indeed. Not to go out with other women, but to really come out of his shell.
I only wish some girl had taken the time and effort to sit me down and talk my nerves out of me. I still do. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/17/2007 8:13:09 PM | raven, you really hit the nail on the head when you said that he might be a virgin. Anything else and he would have gone for the sex.
But in the UK, I don't know many guys who are 21 and have had a lot of sex, who are looking for a proper girlfriend. I only know 2 guys about that age. Both are very confident with women, both go for sex when offered, and both prefer more experienced, mature, older women.
If this woman is looking for a relationship in the UK, she's talking an inexperienced young guy, or a guy a lot older then her, or she has to get a lot of experience dating lots of different guys. There's not much else here. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/17/2007 8:55:17 PM | I would say that there were something wrong with them both.
There,in my opinion,is nothing wrong with getting to know someone miles away.That,there is no problem.If things do get serious,then one can move nearer to the other one,or you can mutually travel to see each other.
But when morality and decency are tossed aside,a relationship like this,will probably last a year,at most,before one,or the other,begins doing this online again,with someone else. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/17/2007 9:06:31 PM | | I saw this type of questioning on the Brady Bunch one time.......... ok...Marcia didn't have a webcam mind you....but she had a FRIEND who did....... OH MY NOSE!!!! | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/19/2007 7:19:08 AM | Okay, since all this. They haven't talked for a week.
She was trying very hard to go up and see him and she said she'd be staying up there and they could hang out for a day.
He said "sure thing" and he'd find out about his schedule..only to then say that it would be differcult to see her any time that particular week because he has exams. But there are two saturdays and a bank holiday monday in that week. And she knew from the conversations on his myspace with various friends that he still had time to go to parties and raves with other people.
She said to him when he said he just wanted to be friends that he could get rid of her because she doubted that he'd still even make the effort to talk to her if they were still friends. Make a clean cut, but he didn't he said he still wanted to know her and she shouldn't say things like that.
so she tried saving it.
she thought the further they drifted apart, the longer they didn't see eachother in real life, face to face again..he'd just start to forget she even exists.
so she went for it again, asked to talk to him, text him and no reply. So she called him and he had this barrier up between them, and he kept saying he'd just talk to her on msn.
Where she admitted she loved him. And he admitted he didn't. She asked him if he ever did, after the whole year, after everything..why would he have done everything if she wasn't that important to him? He said he just liked her.
And she should stop "pestering" him to see her, and that he thought she might have got the hints..but she never did because he wasn't blunt enough. Until now.
So she proceeded to block him, remove him from her myspace, delete all the messages he sent her, throw away all the train tickets/receipts/presents/pictures that reminded her of him.
And they haven't talked since last sunday.
She even considered being "devious" and sending all his friends the indecent photos/movies he sent her. But she didn't.
Because she loves him, and if she did that it would just be a selfish act, and that isn't what real love is.
So she let him go. But she's hurt and she still wishes she didn't take him off her friends list..that she could just talk to him again and tell him she's sorry about everything. And she didn't want things to end on such awful terms. After everything, it was so important to her.
After reading this book, she realised just how selfish and demanding she actually was during the relationship. She found it hard to compromise about things, she rarely saw things from his perspective. I guess she did even criticised the things he liked, unintentionally hurting him, like his taste in music. How could he love her when she did things like that?
He'd travel all that way and she'd never be satisfied. As soon as he'd leave, it would be I miss you, I want to see you again, when can I see you again..where can I see you again. Constantly..maybe he felt suffocated and he couldn't even ever be there for her, perhaps he did protect himself, to a certain extent. He expected it wouldn't work out, so he didn't tell anyone in his "real life" so then nothing would change. Nobody would ask him what happened. Because to him, nothing ever did?
I don't know. She just regrets it now, she wishes she could talk to him again..and explain all of this, and that even though he didn't know that she loved him, she did, but she showed it in such a selfish way. Like a child, I want! I want.
Doesn't get.
Can she save it? Can she go back and explain herself? And attempt to maintain a friendship? After everything, she still thinks about it, and feels terrible now she sees the errors of her ways. Because for a long time, she only saw his. She put all the blame onto him, that it wasn't working.
He must have cared to try. But she made it so differcult all the time.
She knows now, whatever happens. That was real love for her, even though she expressed it terribly.
She just wants him to be happy. He said he still wanted her to be part of his life, but then she just went and deleted him. Selfish. Because of the hurtful things he said. Always acting irrationally.
Maybe you're right. Maybe he did really care, she doesn't even know if he was a virgin, she just assumed, at his age, and from his highly detailed fantasy accounts he told her, that he'd had some degree of experience.
But in the beginning he said he'd be hurt, that girls always cheated on him. But she promised she never would and she never did.
She wants to talk to him, but it hurts getting cut down all the time. Anyone would think that she was physically deformed and thats why he didn't want her.
But I guess her personality turned obsessive and she put too much weight onto him.
One of my other friends sent him a message on myspace calling him a horrible name and saying he shouldn't be part of her life anymore.
Maybe this is why he has been like this recently.
But she wants to know, is it irretrievable. Or what can she do now? If anything to ever talk to him again?
Should she send him a message explaining some of this and how she's sorry she didn't appreciate the times when he did come to see her. Or should she just continue and let him go for good?
(feedback please) | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/19/2007 7:43:51 AM | Ohhh, Amagenta, your friend's feelings are so heartfelt and warm. It melts the icy reserve I normally use as a wall, to block out others' pain.
There are too many games going on here.
For myself, I would rather have a truly heartfelt letter.
A letter of love.
A letter that says that she loves him, that she wants him to be all that he can be.
A letter that says that she will no longer tolerate all this bs, because she wants him to be happy in his life, and he CANNOT BE HAPPY treating her like this.
A letter that says that if he wants to truly be with her, and treat her nicely, and seek her happiness, that she WILL move heaven and earth to make this happen. That she truly knows that there is no such thing as obstacles in her life, and she can make this happen.
But it is a 2 way thing.
If he is not in it, then she and he are better off without each other, because she is a super-sexy hottie, and she can get another guy hotter, better and more wonderful than him any time she wants.
But she truly believes that he cares about her. And that he truly wants this to work.
So if he wants to open his door to his heart, and risk getting hurt again, then she will, too.
But if does not want to risk his heart, she WILL find someone else who will.
Give a 2 weeks. Absolute MAX a month. Any longer than that, and he won't come back till she's found someone else, and he's not interested, only jealous.
She sounds so special. She will not be considered special, until she acts that way.
So he must "put up" or "shut up".
Love is about giving, not receiving.
It's not about me, it's about you.
So if he's not giving, and he's thinking about himself, it's not love.
If it doesn't work with this one, tell her not to give up.
The difference between the ones who are successful in love (and in life), and the ones who aren't, is that the ones who are do not give up, and learn from their mistakes.
Next time, no games.
And DON'T GIVE UP. YOU DON'T FIND LOVE! LOVE FINDS YOU! | |
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ajb23
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Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 33 | |
| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/19/2007 7:54:11 AM | My last relationship was long distance, between a Texan and a Canadian from the Toronto area. It lasted about 2 years (college time)- while I was in college it was a hell of a lot easier since it was only a 2 hour drive, or a cheap flight over, but summer was a pain because there was either not enough funds on our ends and/or the time was lacking because we had to work all summer and couldn't afford the time off.
Most of our communication was through IM and the phone, and we were pretty open about everything. Eventually though, our workloads and school prevented us from getting together enough for our tastes, so we mutually agreed on parting ways, albeit on good terms.
Distance is not for everyone, its much easier though when you don't have a lot on your plate. School, or having a job that requires a lot of your time outside the job can put a damper on an attempt to have one.
With the partners, its all about honesty and communication. Somewhere in the back of your head there's gonna be doubt at some point, but if you've grown to trust a partner for the most part, and don't see anything suspicious, don't stir the pot. Long distance drama is 3x more toxic than normal drama. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/19/2007 8:00:01 AM | Give a 2 weeks. Absolute MAX a month. Any longer than that, and he won't come back till she's found someone else, and he's not interested, only jealous.
She shouldn't talk to him for two/weeks a month? or she shouldn't leave it that long?
You think he'll only ever pursue her again out of jealously?
She sounds so special. She will not be considered special, until she acts that way.
So he must "put up" or "shut up".
I know she'd be up for writing a letter. But he never told her exactly where he lives, so a hand written letter is out of the question. He hates her calling his house, because his parents interrogate him about it, and he hates that. I don't know if thats because he doesn't want his parents knowing his business or it's just she isn't important, and she never has been.
But I'm not sure what you mean. She wants to tell him she's sorry and she doesn't want them to never talk again. But half way through going on the self defence of "only if you care and want it to work out" seems counter-productive, as now I'm sure, from her behaviour of deleting him, and acting desperately he'd say leave it.
She just wants another chance, a second chance to see him and talk to him again, and she will be a different girl this time. Who recognises when she's feeling insecure and dependant and this time will not project it onto him. That she is a whole person and she can handle life with or without him, but she cares so deeply for him and doesn't think things should end, absolutely.
How does she do this? | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/20/2007 1:06:27 AM |
But he never told her exactly where he lives That scares me a little. If I don't know where someone exactly lives, it could mean they don't live there, or it could mean they don't want me to know where I live. Question of trust. Even my friends know where I live. I didn't tell them the door number, but they can ask any time they want, and one's coming up today.
so a hand written letter is out of the question Email, Myspace, text, anything, as long as he gets it and gets to read it in private, and hopefully, can keep it safe and re-read it again.
How does she do this? By NOT doing this. I know how she feels. There is someone there, only what feels like inches away, and all you want is to spill all the love in your heart at the person, but they are sure that they don't want to talk to you, or that you don't want to talk to them.
The key is respect. Respect for herself and respect for him. If she wants another chance, when it's him who's rejecting her, then he will lose all respect for her and use her and dump her. He will then hate himself for doing that to her.
She just wants another chance, a second chance to see him and talk to him again, and she will be a different girl this time. If she respects herself and himself, then she can only be the best girl she can be, which is her. But without insecurities, just honesty. I always find that the advice I am handing out to others is the same advice that my friends say are the answers to my own questions. So she can ask herself: if a friend of hers was in this predicament, what should her friend do? The answer is usually glaringly obvious.
If she has actually insulted him, then she need to apologise for that, saying what she did, and only that. If she's led him on, then she kept him on hold, and then blew him out, or went with another guy instead. If she kept him waiting too long, I gather that this would have been her virginity, which for a woman who has kept it, is a big deal. Months are not unreasonable. A friend kept the guy on hold for months, and they were a proper couple during all that time, and she was a virgin. Besides, they did stuff. So it's not all one-sided.
In my opinion, the guy is trouble. I just like to give someone another chance, so I don't have to look back. So I can say to myself, I was fair to the other person.
I just mean that she should NOT contact him, except to send him this message in whatever way he will get it. Not because he deserves it, but because it's nice to give him a chance to redeem himself. Because he DOES need to redeem himself. If he is not going to make the effort, then,
A man who makes you cry is not worth crying over., as I always say.
But she must NOT back-pedal, under any circumstances.
She's offering him something really special. He should value it.
A 2nd chance with a wonderful woman who is everything he wants and needs is NOT something to be trifled at.
If he cannot appreciate that well enough to communicate that clearly and honestly, within 1 month, he is not serious enough about her to take seriously, and she should find someone who is.
But please, she should make the next fella wait too.
But this time, maybe look closer to home, within 25 miles, or 50 miles if he's really something special.
I've seen a lot of young girls get hurt, time and again, because they threw themselves at young men on a first date and the young men NEVER respected them.
I'd say try an older man, because they are mature, but something about her tone, suggests that she needs someone closer to her own age.
But as long as she is not upfront on POF, she will find it hard to be upfront here.
If she REALLY wants to resolve her feelings about this, you need to tell her that she needs to post herself here and declare it is her. Not because we need to know who she is. The site is anonymous. But because she NEEDS to have the guts to post here, herself. If she is not here already, she can register. But if she IS here, she must come clean. Because as long as she is hiding from people on a computer, who have no way of finding her, she will hide her true feelings from him too.
Good luck. lol | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/20/2007 1:23:18 AM | Your 19 years old and you are learning some of lifes cruel lessons. He was using you for sexual gratification over the net. He wanted to see a sexy naked girl and you are the one he chose and you were there pleasing him for a year. Obviously he didn't want anything more or he would have taken you up on your offer.
Nothing wrong with him except that he's a pig and a jerk. Nothing wrong with you except that you are too nieve and trusting. Move on and don't share your body on the net with strangers and you won't feel so used and rejected next time. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/20/2007 2:12:34 PM | Amagenta, the best thing you could possibly do for your friend is to tell her NOT to contact him. She should really let him go for good - as he is not worth it. Ask her how she will feel if she tries yet again to bring them back together by pouring her heart out in a letter to him... making herself even more vulnerable... and how she will feel if there is zero response? Seriously, surely this will hurt her even more... thus she should really try and consider this as a possible outcome to prevent her doing this as I am sure she will regret it.
Tell her to also let go of analyzing him and his actions. No one can possibly know what another person is thinking or why he is doing certain things... thus it truly is a waste of energy. Besides, what does she have to apologize for. It sounds to me like he should be the one apologizing for his behaviour and disregard. Sure, it will be hard for her to get over him… but in time, it will feel better. In the meantime she should put all that time and energy wasted wondering... into doing something nice for herself instead... keeping busy, getting out and about, and making sure her life is full.
My advice is... tell her to go and read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"... and it will help to open her eyes. Maybe she can borrow the book from the library. She sounds like a sweet and caring girl... who is learning a lot and that is good as she can apply that to her next relationship... but with someone who is worthy. The next time she meets someone that wants to get involved with so much secrecy... she should think twice about it and not go further with them, as it really is a red flag. She deserves someone that is legitimately involved with her and is open about it... and she should hold out for that.
Good luck to her,
IR | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/27/2007 9:57:29 PM |
Amagenta Joined: 4/28/2007 Msg: 1 view profile History Would long distance really hold you back? Posted: 5/6/2007 11  27 AM i was just curious why a guy would spend over a year liking a girl who lives 150+ miles away, visit her lots and its expensive to travel and he cant drive, but never spends any real time alone with her during the whole "seeing eachother" relationship. he let things happen and he touched her and she touched him back. and he'd talk to her dirty, like he desired her. and he'd be naughty on webcam with her and they swap sexually indecent photos and he'd send her a video of him being intimate with himself, over her. and when after a year and a bit, shes like well we both like eachother, lets be together, get a hotel whatever. and you know. hes like. no. i cant. you're too far away..ill be upset because ill never get to see you. i think it would make things weird. i just want to be friends. but i still want to see you. and she is left feelings emotionally and physically rejected. is there something wrong with her? or is there something psychologically/physically wrong with him? just curious
Ok, sometimes the fantasy outweighs the reality of a LDR (long distance relationship). I have gone the distance for someone I love (and it was a helluva lot farther than 90 minutes driving time) and though I won't go into it anymore took measures to ensure a future for us both before it blew up in my face. It's not about you necessarily but the thought of you. Such emotional affairs as they are known can be satisfying in ways local ones can't but to be real they MUST bridge the distance and must result in someone moving eventually. Also they are some of the most difficult relationships to maintain... | |
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