| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 8/25/2007 5:25:44 PM | I like what I like as well. I just don't like separate body parts; I like whole people. I might like certain attributes of people I already know, but I don't know who I'm attracted until I've met them. How do I know who I have sexual chemistry with until I've at least been face to face with them?
I don't like THIS kind of guy or THAT kind of guy. I know him when I see him, and then hopefully, hear him, smell him, and feel him. Attraction is very complicated, there are many facets to it, at least for me. I could never base it on any one thing. I guess I just have more demands than that. I've had plenty of interest from men who looked like my "ideal", and plenty of them creeped me out with their behavior or BO or whatever. I just think this debate is so.......single pointed.
I think the only people who should be concerned about this issue are overweight people and the people who love them. Everyone else should just like what they like and mind their business, unless they can say they have no unattractive features themselves.
I have felt guilt only on two kinds of occasions: when I was doing something wrong, or when I was wasting time feeling like I was doing something wrong. My experience is that when people say they feel guilty about something, they really mean they can't understand why they DON'T feel guilty, when others think they should. That's an even bigger waste of time.
Stop feeling guilty, or pretending to to justify your admitted narrow mindedness. Just be nice to whoever you can bring yourself to love. If you can love someone, you have more than a lot of people do.
It's not who you choose to love. It's how. | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 8/25/2007 6:28:17 PM |
Do you need validation for your preference?
Do you need a big girl to say it's ok to not be attracted to her?
Stop feeling guilty, or pretending to to justify your admitted narrow mindedness. Just be nice to whoever you can bring yourself to love. If you can love someone, you have more than a lot of people do.
I can give you my perspective on this.
The original poster is a guy who tried to do something different than standard convention. He tried to actually give someone a chance based on what they had to offer solely on the inside. What many many many people say they wish would happen for them.
Then he basically gets called an idiot and insecure for actually taking a chance. Did any of you ladies stop to think that beating down on him for what he did is only going to encourage him to never give anyone a chance again? In fact, do you think the men who are reading this thread are going to be more encouraged to give someone a chance for what they have to offer on the inside?
So what if he wants to talk about it. This might come as a surprise to you ladies, but men get so very few outlets to talk about how they feel and what bothers them. We aren't allowed to cry in public. We are conditioned to never show emotion. We are taught to bottle things up inside. We are reminded that any display of weakness is a horrible horrible thing. And this is reinforced to us everyday by women who will simply reject your advances if you can't keep yourself and your emotions in check. Then women complain that men refuse to open up. Well maybe we would if women would sleep with men who actually open up. But regardless of what women say, most of them don't.
So take this outside the weight issue for a second. Beating up on this guy is basically reminding guys they should never talk about anything related to how they feel ever. And yet the same people who do that are probably the first to complain that their men are so closed off and distant.
Let the guy speak his peace. He wasn't rude. He wasn't trying to hurt someone. He was trying to share how he felt and explain his confusion. He's only 25 years old. Who has it all figured out at 25? But thanks for letting him know it's not ok to have a learning curve at all ever again.
And women? They get to complain about whatever they want all the time as much as they like. No matter how important or trivial it is, the men of the world just have to bear it. Women also start to lose their minds when any guy, even the ones they don't want, basically says he would never be interested in them. For some reason, lots of women get stiff and uptight about that. As if it's some crime that not everyone in the world is going to love them. And the baseline reaction by a lot of these women? They use guilt and shame to make men feel bad about not wanting them for this reason or that reason.
Maybe if more women spent less time raking men over the coals about what they don't do or don't have or can't offer or pretty much everything under the sun, then maybe those men would actually spend more time communicating how they feel and why they do the things they do. But go ahead, keep pounding on this guy, all it does it make sure you are helping to create the kind of men that you don't want to date. | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 8/26/2007 6:42:57 AM | UltimateHeartSurgeon......I wasn't tryint to knock this guy down but come on what does him being 25 have to do with anything?
He is saying that he feels bad when he judges people based on their weight....ok so my question is valid.....you judge people and so what? Do you think some of the people that are judging him are questioning their reasons to do so? I highly doubt it.
I'm not beating him up and he has every right to express himself any which way he wants but I think if he had started out by saying you know what I've come to the realization that I'm just not attracted to girls who are heavy, overweight...whatever then that would have been a different story.
Lots of people come to realizations about their likes and dislikes but the OP sounded like he needed someone to validate his reasons for making a CHOICE.
Some women rake men over the coals ya I agree especially when the men say they dont like them and you know what men do the same darn thing. You are making it seem like I took it personally that this guy didn't like dating overweight women or judge them. I'm sure that they're are skinny women out there that wouldn't date him either for whatever reason and vice versa. All I did was tell him that in life when he makes a choice he doesn't need approval from anyone.
Grow a spine much is basically it and stop feeling like you need to explain yourself to people!
If that is your idea of bashing him, keeping him down, dogging him, raggin on him then I apologize. I didn't realize my response would evoke such a conversation! | |
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Diva64
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Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 230 | |
| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 8/26/2007 7:14:09 AM | HEY UHS.............I think I was VERY clear about with whom I was speaking!
I also was very clear about my thoughts on the OP. I had NO problem.
YA SEE,I don't just pop in a thread and SELECTIVELY READ(most times) and then try and offer advice on said thread when I have NOT read the thread in it's entirety.
makes for poor communication!
I don't recall more than one or two posters bashing the OP...........there were talking to the other "INTERESTING" posters who liked to BASH the fat chicks as though it's a sport!
Hey, you do what you like and defend things that don't need defending as the real issue is ............you don't like FAT............so what.............but don't bash IT!
DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
p.s.
Totally agree with Strings last post! spot on man! | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/3/2007 7:24:56 AM | I'm with those that are wondering what the point of this thread is. Wow, it sure has carried on long....
People can't help what they're attracted to. But OP, why did you give this title for it? Of course you should feel bad for "judging" people. You then go on about you not being attracted to them. Two different things!
I can understand men being attracted to slim women. It usually correlates with (whether real or our imagined perception) health, vitality, etc. But OP, you go for the "heroin look" ??
You are simply a victim of the media. That's what it is, plain and simple. | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/3/2007 10:20:06 AM | there is a difference between having a preference and being judgemental. don't feel bad, big girls are not for everyone. i'm a big girl and i understand this. if a man is not at least 6 feet 2 inches tall, i won't look twice at him romantically speaking. i don't feel bad and neither should you.  | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/3/2007 12:35:16 PM |  There are few topics more contentious than weight, which this thread proves.
Going to the OP’s request of getting input from his fellow guys, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being physically attracted to your preference. Nobody can force somebody to be attracted to a body type or look they’re not into.
But also remember that physical chemistry is only the first step on the road to a serious relationship, but it’s an important one. You’ll never get to the more substantive parts without getting past physical attraction.
Moreover, what if you’re wildly “physically” attracted to a person but realize you’re simply not compatible? I guess you could be just sex buddies, but I’m assuming we’re talking serious, long-term relationship material here, not friends with benefits.
To me, there are many ingredients that go into the recipe of a successful relationship, and though physical attraction is important, it's NOT the MOST important. | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/3/2007 1:25:41 PM | | WE all have our likes and dislikes I have big girls for friends but I'm just not physically attracted to them my loss on some instances they are sweet but if the chemistry ai'nt there you should'nt settle you'll both lose in the end ! | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/3/2007 1:25:45 PM | | Next Chapter.... I see your points..rudeness is never called for...but there is something about seeing words like"shallow" "superficial" "vain" ect used to describe a man who is not attracted to an overweight woman or that such men are mindless robots of the media unable to think for themselves that tends to put one on the defensive...to some "bashing" means simply saying you prefer a slim woman ...your suggestion that a man has to watch what he says here or he won't be able to find a woman on this site may be somewhat true,however any man who is afraid to give an honest opinion for fear of not getting any is a man that most insightful and intelligent women would not want anyway. | |
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EC22
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Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 238 | |
| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 7:48:58 AM | There are lots of reasons why people put on weight. Some have had babies, health issues, experience menopause and yes, some overeat, as does the general population. Many of us are active, maintain a nice appearance, have been on diets, exercise etc... You can go to the Y & see people of all shapes & sizes working out or walking in your neighborhood.
You are correct that there are several possible reasons for people being extremely overweight / obese. Yet based on what I have read, seen, and heard about this topic, I think the majority ( not all ) of obese people have a weight problem due to a poor diet and not enough exercise. | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 9:28:02 AM | Just a thought about these posts referring to whether its ok to prefer people based on their weight...I have never seen this mentioned in many of these posts...the overweight people contend that they shouldnt be judged by the way they look on the outside..fair enough...but what no one is willing to admit is that many times what is reflected on the outside comes from whats going on inside...for example many people who are depressed over eat or dont eat at all, this causes them to be overweight or severely underweight...just like hygeine many times when there are emotional issues peoples hygeine suffers...stress and how we handle it is another factor that effects our weight....there are many factors that can be directly linked to weight gain and loss many of them are emotional or psychological...so dont say you cant judge a book by the cover..because many times the book cover does reflect whats in the book!
On another note ,many of the people who post that beauty is on the inside, really dont convey that through the nastiness of their words which come from their "beautiful souls"... | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 11:02:58 AM |
but what no one is willing to admit is that many times what is reflected on the outside comes from whats going on inside...for example many people who are depressed overeat or dont eat at all, this causes them to be overweight or severely underweight.....stress and how we handle it is another factor that effects our weight....there are many factors that can be directly linked to weight gain and loss many of them are emotional or psychological...so dont say you cant judge a book by the cover..because many times the book cover does reflect whats in the book!
You hit the nail on the head with that etourdi! Yes, there are emotional and stress issues that people can have that lead them to overeat or not eat. Some people overeat when stressed or depressed, some don't eat at all. Everyone is different in how they handle those issues. For me it was 25 years of abuse by a man who brainwashed me into thinking I was worth nothing and so food was a source of comfort and love to me. Lord knows I didn't get any from him! And even though I've left him, he still causes me stress and pain from the way he can still get to me because of how he treats our sons and how he has taught them to treat me. I live with a lot of pain and guilt from what this man has done to me and my sons and still continues to do. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 241 | |
| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 12:43:23 PM | etourdi: Although I don't always LOVE your responses about fat people, I can't argue with you on your last point.
One problem with it, though, is that it presumes, then, that if you're not fat, you're okay. I'm sure that's not what you're saying, but I think there are people (and it's been written in the forums) who say they won't date a fat person only because they obviously have issues.
Now, think about it, we ALL have issues, it's just that for some of us, food is our soother of choice. For others, it might be sex, drugs, cigarettes, gambling, etc.
So your post implies that ONLY fat people are imperfect, (again, I'm not saying that's exactly what you meant) but I don't believe that for a second.
Now where's that doughnut I put down here a minute ago...? | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 1:06:15 PM | The point I was trying to make is that "sometimes" the outside is indicative of what is going on inside thats all......not all overweight people have issues and not all in shape people have issues but whenever you read these threads many of the overweight people pretend that they or any other overweight people don't have any issues at all, health or otherwise...most of us have issues regardless of our weight....
"Now where's that doughnut I put down here a minute ago...?"
sorry, I thought it was for me..mmmmmmm | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 1:22:45 PM | u know it is kinda bad to judge people before gettin to know them... u don't even know who they r.. you just see whats on the outside! and well thats krazy! I'm sorry but it's the world we live in... we only ack on how we are shown to ack upon things... media tells us skinny is in.. WHAT THE **** EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im sorrie I dont want to be beatin up on no back bone!!!... Now dont get me wrong i adore small women but they half to have atleast summin on them for me to be grabbin on..lolol...they cant be no skinny minnie!!!!Yea I'm a curve gyrl no i'm far from fat.... but i love what i have...damn yes i do and alot other people do to... but i guess every one has there on type and well if u always judge before gettin to know ur never goin to be happy and find that 1 for you!!! There always goin to be flings and thats it! Some people just need to wake up and see that it doesnt matter who u are, are even whatcha look like...it's whats in the inside that counts..If you want someone good and some one to treat you right.. you need to look inside your self and ask youself would you be with you!!! And no dont look at your looks. Look at what type of person you are! Truly!!! But whatever makes you happy go for it, I'm not gonna knock your boat are anyone else...................Becuze sumtimes i judge before knowing and I had to realize it was wrong of me!!!!!!!!!!! I found out how i was hurting other people feelings and well im not that type od person! God wasnt like that towards me, so why should i be like that with sumone else!!!!!!!!!!!.. But who ever makes you happy then do it.............. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 244 | |
| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 1:23:38 PM | I noticed the powdered sugar on your lips...grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
I understood what you were saying, and I agree. I have seen posts, though, that do accuse fat people of being the only imperfect ones. That's all. Again, I'm not saying that's what you were saying, I more or less just wanted to clarify.
I will agree with you that there are many on here who are overweight that make excuses. You read the inevitable "I have a glandular problem"...yeah, okay.
Yes, some do legitimately have a problem with their thyroid or the like, but I think most of us who are overweight CAN do something about it. Myself included.
I get upset when I see the overweight people, usually women, start to defend their place in the world. It makes me sad for them.
It makes me sad that they feel the need to give reasons for why they should be allowed to exist in some peace. Without feeling like a bag of poo.
Kumbaya.
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dpd22
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 245 | |
| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 2:09:59 PM | I will agree with you that there are many on here who are overweight that make excuses. You read the inevitable "I have a glandular problem"...yeah, okay.
Yes, some do legitimately have a problem with their thyroid or the like, but I think most of us who are overweight CAN do something about it. Myself included.
Exactly. There are some people who will be rude to fat women. However some fat women will get mad and call a man shallow, call thin women as b-t-hes, or make excuses when someone states that they aren't attracted to fat women, weight is controllable in most cases, or being significantly overweight can cause health problems. | |
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Diva64
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Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 246 | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 7:09:19 PM | Don't feel bad about it. I am not really interested in overweight people either. But it has more to do with their interests than their weight. I like to stay very active. Most overweight people are not. I want someone that has many of the same activity interests as I do.
I think that weight is based on your life style in most cases. The reason I say this is because for years I have heard overweight people say diets don't work. They lose the weight, but once they stop the diet they put on the weight again. What do they think will happen when they stop eating healthy and go back to the lifestyle that made them heavy in the first place. There are a few conditions that can affect this, but most heavy people don't have these conditions. | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/4/2007 7:13:07 PM | Don't feel bad about it. I am not really interested in overweight people either. But it has more to do with their interests than their weight. I like to stay very active. Most overweight people are not. I want someone that has many of the same activity interests as I do.
I think that weight is based on your life style in most cases. The reason I say this is because for years I have heard overweight people say diets don't work. They lose the weight, but once they stop the diet they put on the weight again. What do they think will happen when they stop eating healthy and go back to the lifestyle that made them heavy in the first place. There are a few conditions that can affect this, but most heavy people don't have these conditions. | |
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Diva64
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Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 249 | |
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| I feel bad when I judge people on their weight..
Posted: 9/5/2007 10:57:41 AM | For me, weight has always been a never-ending struggle. That's why I'm always sympathetic to people having a hard time controlling their weight. I never had any bad vices like smoking, drinking, drugs or gambling, but food? Forgetaboutit...lol.
Like any addiction, I'm on the Foodaholic's 12-Step Program for life (lol), but I fall off the wagon more than I'd care to admit. But I just get back on the horse and strive to keep things under control. I know I'm addicted to food and absolutely aware I have to be very vigilant about what I eat and to make sure I exercise regularly. I have to admit I enjoy watching those reality programs like "The Biggest Loser" and now "Fat March". I believe they show in no uncertain terms just difficult it is and how it requires prodigious energy to lose enormous weight and keep it off, much more so than for skinny people to just get in shape.
I know a lot of people that carry extra weight extremely well, and I'm definitely attracted to women with a little extra weight and curves than skinny minnies. Like others have said, the beauty of attraction means there is somebody for everybody. We just have to find them.
 Mo | |
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