|Asperger's SyndromePage 2 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)|
|My eldest daughter is a high functioning Aspie.... I worry about her, she will start high school in Sept.|
The lack of eye contact and her inability to read emotional signals from others has hampered her social development, very common for Aspies.
I have to get her to go out and socialize more and to just be able to initate conversation.
I for one would like to know how many out there are just shy?..or are like Aspies and unable to socialize, they do not have the skills or the ability to understand the skills.
I think group activities are the way to go... a hiking group, a art class, a drop in sports group.... anywhere where you can go as a single and meet other singles...don't go with the determination to find a girlfriend or a partner....just go...get use to going out more and give others an opportunity to you meet you in a group setting.
good luck to you.
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:21:58 PM
don't go with the determination to find a girlfriend or a partner....just go...get use to going out more and give others an opportunity to you meet you in a group setting.
Sorry but I disagree with this advice. I have AS and I've tried that. It didn't work, it doesn't get you any more than friends with a girl. You have to have the determination to tell a girl you're interested in her or nothing will ever happen. I don't know if the reverse is true for females with AS since it is the man who is usually expected to initiate a relationship. I think that women with AS may have the advantage of at least being asked by a few guys if they're decent looking. I don't know how old the OP is but if he's like me, late 20s or early 30s than you start to get desperate when things just aren't happening. Therefore it's very difficult not to have on your mind the determination to find a parter when almost have of your life is gone and you still haven't experienced a relationship- something most people take for granted.
Posted: 1/20/2008 4:14:42 PM
|OP, I think it may actually be beneficial to mention that you have AS in your profile or even put it in your interests. This is what I did on my profile and I'm hoping that it will get me responses from women who either have AS or are not judgmental about it. This way I'm hoping to weed out all the women who wouldn't want to date someone with AS anyway.|
Posted: 2/14/2008 12:15:52 PM
|Well, that was I suppose interesting.|
I guess I just crashed and burned with someone not involved with POF. From my point of view, I had been asked to provide a comprehensive answer to an ambiguous question. Not answering the question did not seem to be an option. I know how to comprehensively answer a question that is not ambiguous, so I guessed at what the question was and got it horribly wrong. Crash and burn ensued. But before that, I really came to realize that I should try to avoid people who flirt if I am just looking for friends, which was my goal. Part of the reason I mis-guessed what the specific question was, was because of this flirting. Well, she said it was flirting, t0 me some of it was and some of it I missed entirely. Maybe half/half each way.
But with two different people now, just in trying to be friends, I am finding that even if I try to be careful with what I am writing, that people still have a tendency to misunderstand my intentions and meaning.
Equations are so much easier to work with.
Oh well, hopefully the rest of you Aspies are doing better than me. :-)
Posted: 2/14/2008 6:01:28 PM
|Regarding making eye contact...|
I'm pretty shy and get insanely nervous sometimes- like doing public speaking, or going to job interviews....
I had an instructor in college tell me something borderline life changing: Look 'em in the nose. Seriously. If you can't maintain eye contact, focus on the upper bridge of their nose... Nobody realizes that you aren't making eye contact. Just don't stare at the one point like a deer in headlights or something... You can alternate with looking between their eyebrows too... LOL
Posted: 2/14/2008 6:13:11 PM
|What happens if they only have one eyebrow? :-)|
I typically find myself looking at the floor. However, it seems that with some people (certain kinds of women) that gets misinterpreted too. So, I developed an alternate of looking over their shoulder to the side. Depending on how close they are, I don't know if I could focus on the bridge of their nose.
Posted: 2/15/2008 5:40:05 PM
|I think I have AS but I'm not sure. I scored pretty high on all the online tests . Whether I have it or not, dating is pretty difficult for me because I always feel awkward around people and I struggle to have a simple conversation. I don't have problems finding men to meet but the whole dating process especially in the beginning is VERY hard. I would be very interested in a guy but he thinks I'm too quiet or disinterested. I really wished the men I meet would give me some time because they judge me on the first date and it's not fair. So if you think the women have it easier, we don't.|
Posted: 2/15/2008 8:20:39 PM
|I never visited a psychiatrist or psychologist, so my diagnosis isn't official either. I have way more statistics than most in medicine, I've worked with medical professionals a lot, I've studied a lot of things related to medicine (like athletic first aid) and I am a darned good scientist. I may be slightly wrong in my self-diagnosis, I am not hugely wrong.|
If I was 5-8 years old, I can see a point in getting an official diagnosis. There is a possibility of getting government support for things like retraining. At 41 when I found out, or almost 48 now, there is really nothing that can get done. If I had tons of money, a person might be able to take a 5-10 year vacation to get retrained. If you really as an Aspie well into adulthood, it is very likely you've spent about as much time unemployed as employed (or worse), and there is no money for a many year vacation. About the best you can do is function as best you can. And if you are so interested, try to make things easier for those that are following in our footsteps.
I've found that flirting is something I just don't work with. Maybe you are seeing the same? Maybe the place to meet guys is in some "technical" environment. An environment where you and they are there to learn something, and so everyone is tending to concentrate on the subject at hand? Computers is an obvious choice, but looking back at things, when I was getting trained by the YMCA for volunteering in the weight room, was a very similar situation to computers. If you were a guy, I think ballroom dancing would be an idea, but as they typically are overpopulated with females, I don't think you need more females to interact with. Mechanics courses? Fixing cars, not the physics of moving bodies.
I wish you the best anyway.
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:31:44 PM
|"I think that women with AS may have the advantage of at least being asked by a few guys if they're decent looking."|
I have a 13 yo daughter who is on the spectrum and the fact that she is a pretty girl terrifies me. She is entirely too naive to understand the subtleties of the whole business and, even though we are actively working on her social skills, I'm not certain she will be ready for the pressures of dating at 16. She's too eager to please so people will like her or if she's really pushed into new territory she completely freaks out.
OP, honesty is always good. Tell any women you meet that you have AS upfront. And I agree that reading books will not help you in any significant way...simply reading doesn't help my daughter to understand the intricacies of human interaction, so we have done a lot of 'Social Stories' and role-playing.
The worst part for my daughter is that she truly wants to be friends, she loves people but is rejected by most people because of the little tics and oddities. She's also been bullied and been in more than a few fights because she didn't understand the situation she was getting into until fists were flying.
Keep your chin up though, as more information becomes available the general public learns about it and is more understanding of the behaviors associated with AS and other spectrum disorders.
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:47:05 PM
|I have high functioning AS. For me the main hindrence has been and always will be the social aspect of the dating world. |
Past relationships have come out of being at the same place at the same time, with the same interests (ie. music)
It does make it very difficult to meet people, which is why I'm on here.
I am upfront about it, which probably ruins my chances of meeting someone from the start, but my ideal partner will understand or care enough to at least try and understand.
I don't have any advice for the OP, sorry. Just to let you know you're not alone. :)
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:49:58 PM
|"I have to get her to go out and socialize more and to just be able to initate conversation."|
i'm just wondering, is this what she wants?
my mom tried that with me because she didn't feel it was "natural" for me to rather be left alone, but all that did was make me resent her and the things she tried to get me to do.
just for clarification though, i wasn't diagnosed until 38 years old, so my mom was approaching all my awkwardness with a complete blindness to the characteristics of an aspie.
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:13:57 PM
|I have asperger's syndrome too and ive had 7 gf's and my last one cheated on me for no apparent reason last year. Ive tried this site and have had 1 date on here, but has not been interested since our date. I try and make a girl happy, but it dont work and i dont know what I do wrong. Plus sometimes I cant tell if a girl fancies me, I mean we're not mind readers for gods sake lol. Sometimes I can tell if a girl flirts and sometimes I can flirt back but sometimes I cant for some reason. But 1 day I hope 2 find someone who can accept me for who I am.|
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:42:38 PM
|Woody, I wish you luck!|
I have no idea if any girl fancies me, more or less all of the time, so it seems you get more feedback than I do.
I have run across Aspies that have gotten married and had successful relationships (for some definition of successful), but I do not think we can expect this to happen. We have to have ways outside of relationships with others that can be a measure of how successful we are with life. If we happen to find a successful relationship with another person as well, that is a bonus.
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:19:07 AM
|Thank u, but your the lucky 1 dude as u've been married and i havent lol. But if u ever get married again then thats a bonus for ya dude.|
Posted: 8/18/2008 11:23:18 AM
|Huh? I haven't been married. I did say I knew of an Aspie who had gotten married. I really don't think I am going to get married or have another LTR. I think the 1 LTR I had, will be the only one.|
In terms of the person who had the pretty 16 year old who was an Aspie, the way I approach any situation where people are "selling" (which includes dating), is to study things. The only way I can detect lying is superior knowledge.
If the guy says he races F1 cars, start asking him questions about the amount of ground clearance, turbo boost, the construction of the car, etc. At some point, they will make up answers and make mistakes in doing so. If your daughter can work that way, the idea is that after that first contact she researches technical points that can trip up the liars. When she next sees the person, she has ammunition to run her "BS detector".
I suppose the other thing is to make it a policy to never data anyone from an occupation where misleading people is the goal. So, nobody in sales or marketing. Including people who do that for a hobby.
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:01:52 PM
I had been asked to provide a comprehensive answer to an ambiguous question. Not answering the question did not seem to be an option. I know how to comprehensively answer a question that is not ambiguous, so I guessed at what the question was and got it horribly wrong. Crash and burn ensued.
I hope that next time you are asked a question that you find ambiguous, you will feel free to ask for clarification. Perhaps then you will avoid misunderstanding.
I am finding this thread very interesting. I have a friend whose son (maybe around 7th grade) has Asperger's and she worries about what his life will be like. I have acquaintances at dancing who I feel pretty sure have Asperger's. At least one is fairly obvious, another I think is mild or borderline. The latter is an engineer and a very precise dancer.
I've heard that woman on the radio, the one who works with animals. I enjoy listening to her talk about what her life is like. It gives me a little insight.
It's a little difficult for people like myself, who are not so familiar with it, to understand what it is like. It's hard to interact with those individuals quite the same way as with others and takes a little time to get comfortable. My one friend at dancing, though, is a really nice guy and over time, as I've gotten to know him better, one thing I particularly appreciate about him is that there's no BS.
By the way, the poster who mentioned looking at people's noses has a good point. In our dance circle, people put a lot of emphasis on eye contact and point out it will help you to not get dizzy when you swing. For some people, that's too much, so I suggest they look at someone's nose or forehead. Unless you are getting really up close with someone, they probably can't tell the difference.
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:06:45 AM
|I suppose one way to look at life from an Aspie's point of view, if you are short sighted, is to take your glasses off and try interacting with people when they are far enough away that they are out of focus.|
Just before I was laid off from the government, I discovered my problems with Asperger's. So, when I was informed I was to be laid off, I asked the HR department how I should approach things since I now knew I had this problem. They said to keep it secret. Well, I tried, and jobsearch was basically as rotten as before. A couple of years ago, I decided I am going to tell every employer up front, and tell them my problems with the system. For one thing, there is no way that any employer is going to make things "easier" (heck, we need a hand just to get level) if they don't know their current system discriminates against us. It is hard to tell if things are working, but if nothing else maybe things will be easier for Aspies and the Autistic in the future (better yet, all learning disabled). I also started writing organizations without applying for a job. In the last year or so, I have probably written 100 organizations in North America about how the employment process interacts with Autism. It should be a bigger number, but most organizations make it difficult for people to provide them with input like this. And that includes industry groups for HR.
Some organizations are in denial, they think their system is perfect. Most organizations will not reply. One organization punted the ball from HR to the Ethics department. I asked why Ethics got involved, no answer. The largest category of responses are the dummies. They tell me how to apply for a job with them. The very beginning of my notes to them typically starts with "I am not applying for a job". Problems reading English? :-)
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:39:58 AM
|Unfortuneately, Men with Asperger Syndrome have it a lot harder than Women with Asperger Syndrome when it comes to Romance, Dating, Relationships, and getting a boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even just Casual Sex, Sex with No Strings Attached, Hook-ups, One-Night-Stands, etc. Because us Men always have to take the initiative, make the first move. If Women made the first move on us and took the initiative, it would be easier but unfortuneately that is not going to change anytime soon. Also us Men would be in the Woman's shoes also, we would often times get the Women who are not desirable to us, not our type. So the getting the type of Woman we want if us Men have Asperger Syndrome, is very difficult.|
Posted: 4/1/2009 8:08:13 PM
|I was diagnosed with it last year.|
My main problem involves starting conversations (i.e. I'd prefer it if people talk to me instead of the other way around). It's also difficult for me to take risks in social situations.
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:21:26 AM
|All the times, or most of the time I have made friends, it was because the other people initiated the friendship, they started talking to me first, asked me for my number, etc. When it comes to socializing and meeting new people, school, bars, and clubs are the only place for me. Because I can't make new friends or meet new people through the people I already know.|
Posted: 4/2/2009 12:12:26 PM
|Am only familiar with high functioning Aspergers Syndrome folks, and most are in relationships. Most are in the high tech or science industry where working alone is easier and where higher intellect folks work, which means idle chatter or gossip isnt the norm. ~Beth~|
Posted: 9/21/2009 5:27:06 PM
|I have Asperger Syndrome too, and I know I am going to be single my whole life.|
Posted: 9/23/2009 5:56:21 PM
|Hearing sounds far above and far below the ability of others. Seeing things that no one would ever notice. Visual, near photographic, 3-D moving memory. The appreciation, at every second of the feel of the fabric of your clothes on your skin. Life is alive, at every moment, every movement. |
Feeling things no one else can. Extreme intense emotions. Beyond all imaging. The emotions that propel great people to do great things. But oblivious to feelings that haunt normal people.
Recognizing patterns in all that you see that ties everything together. But seeing the tiny detail in the collage that everyone misses. Weaving everything together in a vast picture of life because you can categorize everything you experience.
Desiring companionship and able to find it if you use your brains, have it, feel it, experience it and able to set it aside. Able to be alone forever in contentment and peace with your pursuits.
Able to pursue your passions with the concentration of a god and achieve greatness. Absorbed in ecstasy in your pursuit, it becomes like heroin. Distracted by life only when it is your choice.
Social awkwardness, replaced in time with grace when skills are practiced. It eventually weaves a web of patterns of behavior of other people that develops into the ability to predict what any normal mortal is going to do and exactly how they will screw up their life.
Physical awkwardness, replaced with strength and a sixth sense of the placement of your body and its parts and other objects. That sense eventually extends itself to other objects that you automatically know are in a position to cause an accident.
I am sorry, I think “AS” is a gift. Not a handicap. Some skills naturally inherent to people with AS are developed at an early age at a detriment to some of other skills, which although deemed vitally important, are eventually caught up on with time. That is, if the person doesn't allow themselves to be shoved into a hole and develop “self esteem” problems.
Most of us, that I know with AS, are superhuman. We have genius IQs and generally have developed physical strength far beyond our peers. And a good number of us have used our brains to learn to understand and manipulate social situations better than a politician. Not to mention the extraordinary achievements in the sciences and arts they produce.
For those of you with AS, I recommend you take another look at the way you perceive the world and realize what it is you truly have. I am sure if Superman were really real, they would develop a “syndrome” for him, tell him he was handicapped because he didn't fit in with everyone else, he was a danger to himself and others and medicate him.
Good luck in your pursuit of happiness.
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:19:07 PM
|A few other things that might help. The key to keeping your mind clean and clear enough to use what you have is to remember we perceive every single thing that is going on, our brain are free of the filters most other people have and can become over-stimulated by all the information we try to assimilate. Not for nothing, but organic substances can only take so much. There are two ways of doing it.|
The best is to keep yourself away from unpleasant nosies, sights, sounds smells, and sensations as much as possible to be able to cope with the stimulation of the outside world. I personally keep myself in a 10 X 12 room with familiar EVERYTHING. Sounds, music, smells, fabrics, sight, ect. I leave to earn a living and to experience things, social and other, when I desire to do so. And no that isn't easy, and yes people will think you are a hermit. I am cool with the whole hermit thing. There is even a nice Tarot card with that name that Led Zeppelin used on their fourth album. Also, it is good to make the place you sleep tight fitting to you, and surround yourself with things that “snuggle” you and put you into a position that induces a type of sensory deprivation.
The other is to learn to use your already well developed skill of concentration when stimulation is overwhelming WHILE being engaged with what you have to do in the world. I can be in a situation at work, like a staff meeting or a party and appear to be “all there” when really I am far away in my own head. It is a learned skill. I even disappear from social situations when I can't handle them without a second thought, choosing a quiet corner and listening to my mp3 player or something else until I can rejoin. Yes I come off as “weird” sometimes, but it never deters people from loving me. The key is to concentrate on things that are familiar.
The Silver Devil
Posted: 9/23/2009 7:44:36 PM
|Fortan, I think you might have stolen my life! Every single thing you have said has been exactly how I have felt/experianced aspergers.|
I did not go on a date untill I was 21, however I have a slight problem with dating, in that every date I have ever been on, (and that is very few) has lead to sex. I have only had a few long term relationships and they were always based on sex, people simply are not intrested in me, only my body, its rather disconcerting, because I want to be loved and to love, but can not find anyone intrested in more than just a phisical realtionship.
The worst bit, is that every time my relationships have ended, it is because my partner felt I was emotionally distant, yet the only time they would come over was to have sex! I just don't get it?
Why do people claim to want one thing but behavev totally difrently?
6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)