| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/19/2008 7:59:47 PM | My eldest daughter is a high functioning Aspie.... I worry about her, she will start high school in Sept.
The lack of eye contact and her inability to read emotional signals from others has hampered her social development, very common for Aspies.
I have to get her to go out and socialize more and to just be able to initate conversation.
I for one would like to know how many out there are just shy?..or are like Aspies and unable to socialize, they do not have the skills or the ability to understand the skills.
I think group activities are the way to go... a hiking group, a art class, a drop in sports group.... anywhere where you can go as a single and meet other singles...don't go with the determination to find a girlfriend or a partner....just go...get use to going out more and give others an opportunity to you meet you in a group setting.
good luck to you. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2008 2:21:58 PM |
don't go with the determination to find a girlfriend or a partner....just go...get use to going out more and give others an opportunity to you meet you in a group setting.
Sorry but I disagree with this advice. I have AS and I've tried that. It didn't work, it doesn't get you any more than friends with a girl. You have to have the determination to tell a girl you're interested in her or nothing will ever happen. I don't know if the reverse is true for females with AS since it is the man who is usually expected to initiate a relationship. I think that women with AS may have the advantage of at least being asked by a few guys if they're decent looking. I don't know how old the OP is but if he's like me, late 20s or early 30s than you start to get desperate when things just aren't happening. Therefore it's very difficult not to have on your mind the determination to find a parter when almost have of your life is gone and you still haven't experienced a relationship- something most people take for granted. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2008 4:14:42 PM | | OP, I think it may actually be beneficial to mention that you have AS in your profile or even put it in your interests. This is what I did on my profile and I'm hoping that it will get me responses from women who either have AS or are not judgmental about it. This way I'm hoping to weed out all the women who wouldn't want to date someone with AS anyway. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/14/2008 12:15:52 PM | Well, that was I suppose interesting.
I guess I just crashed and burned with someone not involved with POF. From my point of view, I had been asked to provide a comprehensive answer to an ambiguous question. Not answering the question did not seem to be an option. I know how to comprehensively answer a question that is not ambiguous, so I guessed at what the question was and got it horribly wrong. Crash and burn ensued. But before that, I really came to realize that I should try to avoid people who flirt if I am just looking for friends, which was my goal. Part of the reason I mis-guessed what the specific question was, was because of this flirting. Well, she said it was flirting, t0 me some of it was and some of it I missed entirely. Maybe half/half each way.
But with two different people now, just in trying to be friends, I am finding that even if I try to be careful with what I am writing, that people still have a tendency to misunderstand my intentions and meaning.
Equations are so much easier to work with.
Oh well, hopefully the rest of you Aspies are doing better than me. :-) | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/14/2008 6:01:28 PM | Regarding making eye contact...
I'm pretty shy and get insanely nervous sometimes- like doing public speaking, or going to job interviews....
I had an instructor in college tell me something borderline life changing: Look 'em in the nose. Seriously. If you can't maintain eye contact, focus on the upper bridge of their nose... Nobody realizes that you aren't making eye contact. Just don't stare at the one point like a deer in headlights or something... You can alternate with looking between their eyebrows too... LOL | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/14/2008 6:13:11 PM | What happens if they only have one eyebrow? :-)
I typically find myself looking at the floor. However, it seems that with some people (certain kinds of women) that gets misinterpreted too. So, I developed an alternate of looking over their shoulder to the side. Depending on how close they are, I don't know if I could focus on the bridge of their nose. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/15/2008 5:40:05 PM | I think I have AS but I'm not sure. I scored pretty high on all the online tests  . Whether I have it or not, dating is pretty difficult for me because I always feel awkward around people and I struggle to have a simple conversation. I don't have problems finding men to meet but the whole dating process especially in the beginning is VERY hard. I would be very interested in a guy but he thinks I'm too quiet or disinterested. I really wished the men I meet would give me some time because they judge me on the first date and it's not fair. So if you think the women have it easier, we don't. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/15/2008 8:20:39 PM | I never visited a psychiatrist or psychologist, so my diagnosis isn't official either. I have way more statistics than most in medicine, I've worked with medical professionals a lot, I've studied a lot of things related to medicine (like athletic first aid) and I am a darned good scientist. I may be slightly wrong in my self-diagnosis, I am not hugely wrong.
If I was 5-8 years old, I can see a point in getting an official diagnosis. There is a possibility of getting government support for things like retraining. At 41 when I found out, or almost 48 now, there is really nothing that can get done. If I had tons of money, a person might be able to take a 5-10 year vacation to get retrained. If you really as an Aspie well into adulthood, it is very likely you've spent about as much time unemployed as employed (or worse), and there is no money for a many year vacation. About the best you can do is function as best you can. And if you are so interested, try to make things easier for those that are following in our footsteps.
I've found that flirting is something I just don't work with. Maybe you are seeing the same? Maybe the place to meet guys is in some "technical" environment. An environment where you and they are there to learn something, and so everyone is tending to concentrate on the subject at hand? Computers is an obvious choice, but looking back at things, when I was getting trained by the YMCA for volunteering in the weight room, was a very similar situation to computers. If you were a guy, I think ballroom dancing would be an idea, but as they typically are overpopulated with females, I don't think you need more females to interact with. Mechanics courses? Fixing cars, not the physics of moving bodies.
I wish you the best anyway. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:31:44 PM | "I think that women with AS may have the advantage of at least being asked by a few guys if they're decent looking."
I have a 13 yo daughter who is on the spectrum and the fact that she is a pretty girl terrifies me. She is entirely too naive to understand the subtleties of the whole business and, even though we are actively working on her social skills, I'm not certain she will be ready for the pressures of dating at 16. She's too eager to please so people will like her or if she's really pushed into new territory she completely freaks out.
OP, honesty is always good. Tell any women you meet that you have AS upfront. And I agree that reading books will not help you in any significant way...simply reading doesn't help my daughter to understand the intricacies of human interaction, so we have done a lot of 'Social Stories' and role-playing.
The worst part for my daughter is that she truly wants to be friends, she loves people but is rejected by most people because of the little tics and oddities. She's also been bullied and been in more than a few fights because she didn't understand the situation she was getting into until fists were flying.
Keep your chin up though, as more information becomes available the general public learns about it and is more understanding of the behaviors associated with AS and other spectrum disorders. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:47:05 PM | I have high functioning AS. For me the main hindrence has been and always will be the social aspect of the dating world.
Past relationships have come out of being at the same place at the same time, with the same interests (ie. music)
It does make it very difficult to meet people, which is why I'm on here.
I am upfront about it, which probably ruins my chances of meeting someone from the start, but my ideal partner will understand or care enough to at least try and understand.
I don't have any advice for the OP, sorry. Just to let you know you're not alone. :) | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:49:58 PM | "I have to get her to go out and socialize more and to just be able to initate conversation."
i'm just wondering, is this what she wants?
my mom tried that with me because she didn't feel it was "natural" for me to rather be left alone, but all that did was make me resent her and the things she tried to get me to do.
just for clarification though, i wasn't diagnosed until 38 years old, so my mom was approaching all my awkwardness with a complete blindness to the characteristics of an aspie. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:13:57 PM | | I have asperger's syndrome too and ive had 7 gf's and my last one cheated on me for no apparent reason last year. Ive tried this site and have had 1 date on here, but has not been interested since our date. I try and make a girl happy, but it dont work and i dont know what I do wrong. Plus sometimes I cant tell if a girl fancies me, I mean we're not mind readers for gods sake lol. Sometimes I can tell if a girl flirts and sometimes I can flirt back but sometimes I cant for some reason. But 1 day I hope 2 find someone who can accept me for who I am. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:42:38 PM | Woody, I wish you luck!
I have no idea if any girl fancies me, more or less all of the time, so it seems you get more feedback than I do.
I have run across Aspies that have gotten married and had successful relationships (for some definition of successful), but I do not think we can expect this to happen. We have to have ways outside of relationships with others that can be a measure of how successful we are with life. If we happen to find a successful relationship with another person as well, that is a bonus. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:19:07 AM | | Thank u, but your the lucky 1 dude as u've been married and i havent lol. But if u ever get married again then thats a bonus for ya dude. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/18/2008 11:23:18 AM | Huh? I haven't been married. I did say I knew of an Aspie who had gotten married. I really don't think I am going to get married or have another LTR. I think the 1 LTR I had, will be the only one.
In terms of the person who had the pretty 16 year old who was an Aspie, the way I approach any situation where people are "selling" (which includes dating), is to study things. The only way I can detect lying is superior knowledge.
If the guy says he races F1 cars, start asking him questions about the amount of ground clearance, turbo boost, the construction of the car, etc. At some point, they will make up answers and make mistakes in doing so. If your daughter can work that way, the idea is that after that first contact she researches technical points that can trip up the liars. When she next sees the person, she has ammunition to run her "BS detector".
I suppose the other thing is to make it a policy to never data anyone from an occupation where misleading people is the goal. So, nobody in sales or marketing. Including people who do that for a hobby. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:01:52 PM | I had been asked to provide a comprehensive answer to an ambiguous question. Not answering the question did not seem to be an option. I know how to comprehensively answer a question that is not ambiguous, so I guessed at what the question was and got it horribly wrong. Crash and burn ensued.
I hope that next time you are asked a question that you find ambiguous, you will feel free to ask for clarification. Perhaps then you will avoid misunderstanding.
I am finding this thread very interesting. I have a friend whose son (maybe around 7th grade) has Asperger's and she worries about what his life will be like. I have acquaintances at dancing who I feel pretty sure have Asperger's. At least one is fairly obvious, another I think is mild or borderline. The latter is an engineer and a very precise dancer.
I've heard that woman on the radio, the one who works with animals. I enjoy listening to her talk about what her life is like. It gives me a little insight.
It's a little difficult for people like myself, who are not so familiar with it, to understand what it is like. It's hard to interact with those individuals quite the same way as with others and takes a little time to get comfortable. My one friend at dancing, though, is a really nice guy and over time, as I've gotten to know him better, one thing I particularly appreciate about him is that there's no BS.
By the way, the poster who mentioned looking at people's noses has a good point. In our dance circle, people put a lot of emphasis on eye contact and point out it will help you to not get dizzy when you swing. For some people, that's too much, so I suggest they look at someone's nose or forehead. Unless you are getting really up close with someone, they probably can't tell the difference. | |
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| Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:06:45 AM | I suppose one way to look at life from an Aspie's point of view, if you are short sighted, is to take your glasses off and try interacting with people when they are far enough away that they are out of focus.
Just before I was laid off from the government, I discovered my problems with Asperger's. So, when I was informed I was to be laid off, I asked the HR department how I should approach things since I now knew I had this problem. They said to keep it secret. Well, I tried, and jobsearch was basically as rotten as before. A couple of years ago, I decided I am going to tell every employer up front, and tell them my problems with the system. For one thing, there is no way that any employer is going to make things "easier" (heck, we need a hand just to get level) if they don't know their current system discriminates against us. It is hard to tell if things are working, but if nothing else maybe things will be easier for Aspies and the Autistic in the future (better yet, all learning disabled). I also started writing organizations without applying for a job. In the last year or so, I have probably written 100 organizations in North America about how the employment process interacts with Autism. It should be a bigger number, but most organizations make it difficult for people to provide them with input like this. And that includes industry groups for HR.
Some organizations are in denial, they think their system is perfect. Most organizations will not reply. One organization punted the ball from HR to the Ethics department. I asked why Ethics got involved, no answer. The largest category of responses are the dummies. They tell me how to apply for a job with them. The very beginning of my notes to them typically starts with "I am not applying for a job". Problems reading English? :-) | |
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