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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/23/2007 12:00:26 PM | Rejection leaves me free to find the man I really want.
Boy, 'C', I hope that's true. I do love that thought.
I've just reread this whole thread because I was rejected this week.
Rejected after a meeting, all afternoon, filled with enthusiasm and connection. It's rare that I meet someone who shares my enthusiasm and this fishie's openness let me feel that I could be that open with him also.
Alas, that wasn't the case. And to be very honest, this one hurt. I continue to have no trouble handling a rejection that follows an email. But when I feel a connection and I also sense that the guy really does too, handling that kind of rejection is a real toughie for me.
And I'm struck by the fact that I seem to overwhelm guys sometimes. I know in my head that what I need is to find a man who's not overwhelmed by my enthusiasm. But right now, today, I feel like I should deny that enthusiasm in myself, tone down my enthusiasm for a connection.
Bottom line is that while I still do handle rejection way better in my 60s than I did in my 20s, it can still hurt and I don't handle it well at all.
But, ever the optimist - onward. Wait, let me just get into my enthusiasm cape.
Next?
Marcia | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/23/2007 3:51:51 PM | | Marcia, he was just overwhelmed by your beauty, grace, intellect and spunk. He was also not "the appropriate man to appreciate the treasure that you are"....You and several other women definitely are my inspirations here at POF....Laurie | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/23/2007 5:24:08 PM | There has been some profound wisdom shared in this thread. Over 40, over 50 and even 0ver 60 , we know better who we are and that rejection is not a terrible thing, logically. Logically, it leaves us for the "right" someone to find and appreciate. Emotionally we are still little girls and we cry when somebody hurts our feelings. Maybe we don't physically shed tears over it , because we know ourselves "to be of value" better than we did years ago but we still cry inside. If we are so cold and jaded that we don't hurt from rejection, then perhaps it is time to stop interacting altogether. I learned along time ago, I won't die from rejection because I have people who love me. Any man who rejects me because I am not a 25-35 year old model...isn't a man I would be interested in anyway and I thank him for not wasting my time. Older men who seek the attentions of young women are for the most part delusional and there are men who will and do appreciate a more mature woman when all is said and done. As for the question asked by the OP.... is it harder at our ages?... that depends on how comfortable we are with ourselves at this age and how we are dealing with being the women we are. If we are still fragile, rejection will be horrific, if we are confident, it won't be so bad. Unpleasant experiences give us character, that is part of who we have grown to be over the years.
I am fine with who I am. Somewhere, someday, I will meet someone who appreciates me and who sparks the same appreciation from me. That is the belief that keeps me strong. If I never meet him.. I will have lived a good life anyway. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/23/2007 7:34:54 PM | Willow, your wisdom is also profound.
I like your thought that we still need to feel the hurt at any age. I think we're so busy telling ourselves how confident and together we are now, that it takes more than a little honesty to admit to the hurt.
And Fifi, thanks. I think we're all beautiful, even when we don't think we are.
Ironically, I just heard from my rejector - and it turns out I haven't been rejected after all. A valid reason had kept him out of touch.
Now, what I think is ironic, is that because I FELT rejected, then I made it my own fault. I wonder if that's an age related reaction?
Marcia | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/23/2007 11:47:38 PM | Marcia... thank you.. and no it isnt age related. I think it is more gender related or pehaps it only seems so because more women are more apt to have that fixer thing going on. We internalize too many things and accept resopnsibility for things that are not ours to own. We do like to leap to the wrong conclusion too , especially if it goes against us. It is easier to blame ourselves becasue we have been conditioned to.. and as someone mentioned earlier.. ..how Pavlovian of us....
Perception is reality, so "how we see things" is "how it is", at least for us, until someone shows us differently. Age does seem to accentuate these issues. Being alone now is different than being alone when we were younger. We were more resilient. We had a lifetime to get where we wanted to be. Now we are on the back side of that dream with many miles of hard road behind us and no real direction to move forward. Each slight is a new pain, each pain is a new scar, each scar is a part of who and what we are.
"The circle of life"? | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 3:06:47 AM | I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that yes, it is.. (sorta kinda)
I've pretty much gotten a handle on who I am.. and *I* like me.. And I'm a bit picky about those I
actually write.. so *I* think there is a potential there. So a quick rejection does hurt..
A 'thanks-but-no-thanks' after a few e-mails is not a problem.. means she and I tried..
which is all I can ask..
Or maybe I mean it's puzzling..?
With my drop-dead gorgeous pics and my sparkling personality..?
I mean.. hell, if *I* was a woman, I'd date me..
(and if things keep going the way they are, I may have to..:-)
Maybe I need to get a motorcycle..?
Jim | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 6:14:06 AM | Willow, we are so on the same page!
And I think along with that fixer thing we seem to have going on, along with the internalizing, we also (at least I do) have a need to go into our heads to find a sound explanation. And that's where we start to do the self-blaming.
For a long time I said that there is no reality, only perception, until someone told me the second half of that thought- your perception is reality. That's so true when we blame ourselves.
But I disagree that I was more resilient when I was younger. I've been here on the pond for over a year and that's included lots and lots of mini-rejections and I still seem to keep on going and going. I'm not sure I would have been able to do that in my earlier years. Not sure I would have had the knowledge of myself to slough off those little rejections.
So for me, yes and no. The harder rejections seem to hurt more, but the easier rejections are way easier.
Marcia | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 6:48:13 AM | I have to agree that rejection is harder on me at my age, mostly because I have only now begun to experience it! When I was younger, I felt that I had so much time for everything, nothing troubled me, I was as resilient as rubber ball. Now, I have less time and the old rubber ball isn't bouncing as high either.
Rejection hurts at any age, but I feel it deeply at my age. I'm insulted by men I meet from POF who only want sex, demoralized by the dumb things said by men who realize that it's not being offered. I feel that I'm at the mercy of little boys with the candy shop syndrome. As a young woman I never had such things happen to me!
It's a good thing for me that I'm not a woman who 'needs' a man in her life in order to feel of value. I like men, and would love the company of a nice one, but I don't require a man for support of any kind, my life is fine, just a little lonely. Whatever a man offers to me had better be honesty, kindness & respect, because that's what I'll be looking for. They can keep the rejections for whatever else they're shopping for, and perhaps they'll learn that the way to their happiness is thru making some lady happy. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 7:31:51 AM | We have the wisdom of the ages......"What doesn't kill us....Makes us strong."
By more resilient in my youth, I mean that my recovery time was less. The hurt is different now but it seems to linger. I need to chew at it longer I guess. Analyze it to death and find a way to blame "me", because after all, it was "me" who wasn't up to par, so "me" has to be at fault. I am smarter now than I was then but smarter doesn't alwasy come into play. Logic fights emotion and it's never a guarateed win on either side. MY logical side gets offended more easily these days. MY emotional side is in tourmoil alot.
When we were young , we cried, cut our hair, and bought new shoes. All of our friends agreed that guys are scum and we moved forward from the big rejections. The little rejections were a self-medicated with chocolate and a few tears( and new shoes). Now we hold most of it within and beat ourselves up because our friends don't share the same way as we did when we were younger. They have real lives and issues and our "snivelling little mini-dramas" are too insignificant to bother them with....at least thats how I feel most times. Most of my friends are either married or in committed relationships and they really don't want to hear me whine, so I keep it in and blame myself. Thats what I meant about being more resilient back then. I withstood the self-abuse better.
Men for the most part are not going to change. They are what they are. Some are truly stand-up, decent, well raised and mature guys. They want quality, sincerity and wisdom in a mature woman. Others, as lady mara so aptly put it, are little boys with a"candy store" mentality. They want quantity. They need to sample every jar in the store. They want to taste every candy in every jar and then try some again.
For some we are just the flavor of the moment. The sooner we realise that and protect our hearts from the fallout, the better off we will all be. Rejection doesn't have to be fatal. As women we need to stop owning all the problems. Not everything is our fault or responsibility. We need to get over ourselves sometimes and admit things happen for no reason at all. Some things "just are what they are". Any man who chooses someone else is free to do so. I want a man who wants me. I don't want to be the one he settled for and if I take a few bumps along the road while searching , so be it.
So sayeth my logical side. Amen | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 8:18:19 AM | | I think I am a lot more resilient at my age, when i was younger I hadn't dealt with rejection as much and it has made me stronger. I still cut or color my hair, buy new shoes and eat chocolate when I am feeling a bit blue, beats abusing drugs and alcohol, and I am glad that I have not been down those roads. Yes, we all internalize things or wonder what is "wrong" with us when we are rejected. I always have the same answer when asked why I haven't been married--"I have not met the appropriate man who appreciates the treasure that I am". Of course I realize that he will also be a treasure to me. If a man attempts to tell me what is wrong with me, I always think the same thing---nothing is wrong with me, I am just not the person for him. I seem to believe in luck, chance, fate, and especially timing the older I get. And, if we are not the "typical" woman, we meet fewer men who seem interested in what might be unique or challenging. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 8:33:08 AM | Everyone has their own way of dealing with rejection, and we all have our good days and bad ones. If you have really connected with someone online through several conversations and then meet, there are usually some expectations involved. The person may say that 'looks don't matter', but when they meet...it's another story. It may have seemed that you connected so well on an intellectual and communication level, yet once met..POOF!
The conversations were interesting and wonderful and the loss of that kind of connection does have an affect on a person. So, you don't 'have chemistry' in the physical department, does that mean you refuse to even communicate with a person? I find this type of behavior beyond my scope of acceptance and it does cause some grief.
I admit it, I'm an ol' softy and I do have feelings. Can I rationalize rejection? Sure, does it make it any easier to accept because I am older? Not if I thought the person was a person I'd like to know better. Sure, it's his loss...and sure he probably wasn't worthy of my time and when all is said and done..it's probably a good indication that the person has another 'agenda' . I still had expectations, I still appreciated the time spent chatting...I'm not made of steel, I'm going to feel something!
I'm not the type of person who is 'use to putting myself out there' and when I do, it's because I felt a certain amount of hope. Has 'rejection' been a part of my life to the point that it no longer 'bothers' me? Does my understanding of relationships make me less vulnerable to the emotional responses? Sorry, but I don't think I'll ever get use to rejection, just like I'll never go into something with the barriers up and the expectation that things probably won't develop into anything. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 2:20:45 PM | | There's a much better cure for rejection than a crash diet, learning exotic sex positions, personality transplant, plastic surgery, formal education, and working to earn loads of money..........just tell your story to a bunch of 13 year old girls. They'll cheer you up and put life back into perspective in no time! | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/24/2007 5:29:44 PM | | I believe that maplesweet hit it on the head when she said that everybody is beautiful in one way or another. I just turned 60 but look younger. Still I do realize that men don't look at me the way they used to. This hurts a little but not so much. Also, I am sure that younger women get more attention online. However, I feel that I too have something to offer and it will be a very smart man who discovers this. You have a lot to offer besides age and don't let anyone tell you different. We are what we believe we are and you have to believe that you are special and deserving of a good relationship regardless of your age. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 3:58:37 PM | There is a risk to being the prettiest fish in the pond.
All that flash and bright color attracts the predator fish.
Soon though, all the predator fish will gobble up all the bright and shiny, young, fresh fishies .
The way will be cleared for us older, slower, more common looking fishies to be spotted by the slower, older, more common looking male fishies, looking for something of substance.
Sometimes it is not good to be chosen first. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 4:11:41 PM | | I agree to some extent, but at at my age (almost 50), I am getting a bit tired of waiting for these male fishes to spot us older fishes. | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 66 | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 67 | |
| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 4:44:52 PM | Rejections never feel good at any age. Wait a second, let me do a handspring and I'll get back with you later  Just remember - don't take it personally, and simply move on. | |
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bayrab
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Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 68 | |
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bayrab
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Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 70 | |
| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 5:27:22 PM | Darlin, start with a good photo of yourself! I'd also suggest lightening up your profile a little. A lot of people don't want ot read that much stuff. You can limit what kinds of people contact you via your filters. A lot of what you have in your profile would be better left to getting to know you emails and IMs,I think. That's just MHO, of course.
Sometimes you have to loosen up and expand your horizons just a wee bit. Not saying to settle for a man who isn't right for you, but at least go into this with an open mind and heart!
Not trying ot pick your profile apart, just saying be a little more lighthearted. People who exude positive energy attract other people.
good luck! | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 5:31:37 PM | JnnGemini,
You are far too wise to be so young! 
Remember what they say about kissing a lot
of toads to find that prince.....
Yours is out there girlie and he will know what
he has for sure when he finds you!
There are some very wise and wonderful
people in this pond, makes me stay to read. | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 5:43:48 PM | | I personally feel more sexy at almost fifty then I ever did when I was raising children in my twenties and in my thirties...there's a sense of freedom at my age...no longer under the restrictions of what I should do....I can do anything I want..and I lov my age...first time in my life actually. | |
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bayrab
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Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 73 | |
| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 5:52:26 PM | You go sunbird! My grandmother told me she had the best sex of her life after menopause, no more worries about getting knocked up, LOL.
I am slowly dropping inhibitions, doubts, fears and insecurities along the path. And each one of those things I drop, frees me up a bit more to enjoy the heck out of life.
Yes, some days are downers and some days are uppers, but I have more and more of the good ones.
I'm finding that how you "do" on POF or any dating site is 90 percent attitude!
First you gotta be someone you want to hang out with, and then you'll start attracting people who want to hang out with you!
And anyone who reads my posts, please, I'm not trying to change anyone or criticize. Don't mean to come across as a know it all. I'm just feeling really good about life for the first time in 13 years and hope my joy is a bit contagious! Just sharing what works for me.
Take what you like and leave the rest, please! | |
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| Ladies...is rejection harder at our age?
Posted: 6/25/2007 5:59:50 PM | | Actually, I'm more confident now than I ever was when I was younger, cuter, thinner, and better looking. Somehow, while I was growing (larger, with LOTS more gravity affect) physically, so was I growing mentally and emotionally. I've come to really LIKE me now, and find it hard to believe why anyone else wouldn't, lol. I'm really not conceited, just convinced - I'm better now than I ever was before, mentally anyway. Physically, I still have some issues :sigh: | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 75 | |
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