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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:05:15 AM |
Nope! It would make me very nervous. It would depend on how recently seperated and how far along the divorce proceeding is. If it's a new seperation...
NOPE!
First off, you say no and then completely do a back flip and say, depends. Then you go right back to your original answer, no. What gives, do you even know? | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:27:37 AM | [why dont ppl wait until the divorce is finalized?]
To answer your question , there can be any number of legitimate reasons for not waiting to date or even look for friends. The length of time it takes to get the divorce, age, medical reasons, or just being tired of being alone. In many cases for those of us who are separated, the relationship has been "over" for much longer than we've been separated, so just how long should we wait ? There's also the fact that "we aint' gettin' any younger" and especially for those of us that are a little "older", finding someone that we're interested in ~ and who's interested in us ~ is not exactly a thirty minute process !
Excessive baggage ? As compared to what ? We've ALL got "baggage" , what matters is how we deal with it, not the fact that it's there. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:27:35 PM | | praire7, excessive baggage means the children and the fact how most divorce ppl are still in love with their exes. after the divorce, thats all most divorce ppl talk about is their ex - mostly to talk shit about them. if thats how they are gonna be, why would someone date them? most divorce ppl, they act like they hate the opposite sex. thats what i mean is excessive baggage. i think divorce ppl are so miserable. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 1:56:25 PM | some people heal faster than others after seperation
True,
And Loneliness and isolation are no remedy or any kind of cure after that; the love of a good understanding person makes much better healing, as long as the separation is clear cut with no children involved, and an angel decides to seriously become sweetheart, where any ex return will no longer be possible. I know I wont break any heart, over some unfaithful ex who don't know what she wants; and once someone else gives me a chance and takes her place besides me, the rest will not longer matter, as I will be totally devoted to the one that chooses to live with me
Maybe some that are separated, after their experiences in marriage, with their ex playing behind their backs back then, they no longer feel the need of an other marriage, ever, of even care to get any divorce from some piece of paper, which can cost $1000. Not crazy about the labeling of folks as separated; maybe all those alone with no children should just be considered as single, end of story; I certainly consider myself as single and 100% available, separation is just a technical term, separation happens all the time in like, from teen years, to work, to whatever; the important thing is to be faithful and truthful in a new relationship and not break any hearts, especially not over an unfaithful ex. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 2:41:48 PM | While it's certainly possible for it to work out, we all have lines we prefer not to cross when seeking a partner.
When filling in these on-line "match" questionnaires, I always exclude "Separated" people. That person is, after all, legally married to some other dude! It's not so much an ethical issue (although there's a bit of that) - As long as there are other more likely options to pursue, I'll pursue them.
If a separated woman approaches me, and she's amazing, we hit it off, etc, then great! But before long we're going to have a chat about what's going on with, you know, the husband.
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 5:56:50 PM | I'm so glad to see this question out there. I can't believe how many times I see "separated" on a profile, and I pass it up very quickly. It's not just the possibility of a person reconciling with their ex, there's a lot of healing and acceptance to work through the effects of divorce. For the most part, we all know our financial status and living arrangements are going to change, but there's so much more, especially when children are involved. You need time to mourn the loss of the family unit, even if you're angry and think you "hate" that other person. Jumping into a new relationship is not the answer to your problems. You have to be "well" alone before you can be good with anyone else. It'll happen when the time is right.
With sincerity,
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:15:12 PM | Yes, I would feel comfortable dating someone who is separated, maybe because that's what I am. There are some things I need to know first...
1. How long? Less than 6 months, might suggest waiting, more than 2 years I would want to know why no divorce yet. There are many feasible reasons.
2. What's the relationship like with the ex? I'd rather hear that it is amicable. If they are constantly b*tching about the ex, no thanks.
3. If there are children involved, how do they feel about you dating? Mine are older and would love see each of us happy, with someone else.
As far as I'm concerned when it's over, it's over. There are red flags to tell you if there is a chance that they could reconcile. In the end, even with out any signs, a piece of paper isn't going to stop anyone form getting back together with an ex or cheating on you if that is their nature. At some point, with the number of separated and divorced people out there, you have to trust the other persons character and trust your own judgment.
This is what I have in my profile...
I’ve been separated for three years and will finalize that chapter soon. Yes, I know it’s a long time but we have absolutely both moved on.
From one of my forum posts…..
IMO Separated does not equal married, if it's a legal separation.
married = married
separated (because one of you left but no paper work filed) = married
Legally separated = separated, free to be on a dating site and date.
and to be clear divorced does not = single, once you've been married you will never be single again.
We are parents of two great girls so we do remain civil and there is no drama, we have even met each others bf/gf when they exist. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/17/2009 8:46:39 PM | It irks me endlessly to have people put on me, their agendas regarding my readiness or not. I can be seperated and well adjusted and ready to be in another relationship.
Its the top five:
Your seperated, but that really means your a cheating husband. Its not cheating if she says its not a problem. are people in polyamorous or open marriages cheating.... no, they have permission.
Your seperated, but i don't date married men. See above. there is a married man going home to his wife, and then there is a married man, trying to go on with his life, alone.
Your seperated, which means that you are not emotionally available or ready... For what exactly? unless you take the time to learn about me, you will never know. Talk to me, and you'll find that I have clearly moved on, emotionally disconnected. I will tell you that I exhausted all my reconcilation attempts long before my profile ever got posted..
Your seperated, but your just being pushy to get laid! Ha! I have had one night stands that I have tried to make relationships out of, and Relationships that should have been one night stands. If It was only about getting laid, I could lie my butt off, and get laid easily. Silly me... Instead of lying, I am here being honest, and getting my butt handed to me, rejection wise. I am just an orgasm waiting to happen.
Your seperated, and its morally offensive to me to date a married man... this is the only one that there is no arguement for. Its that commandment, don't covet your neighbors wife, husband and people have every right to practice their faith.. For those persons, a no married / no seperated mention in the profile would clearly solve that problem.
I'm laughing if no-one can sense that. I sell home-improvements remodeling and i can't tell you how many smart intelligent people make stupid decisions in hiring contractors, and one of the biggest, is not checking references! not doing the littlest of footwork to determine if the guy trying to sell you a new roof is a reputable person, or the guy with the biggest phone book ad, and the biggest crook going.
To me, this judging of me by others, based solely on my marital status, and their perception of what they think that means, is the same thing.
I am the reputable one, and you'll eventually call me , once the other guy screws you over, and you realize I was the right guy for the job all along. It would be just desserts if I was completely booked when you realized your mistake... LMAO. | |
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ceoil
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Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 236 | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/7/2009 4:00:01 PM | NEVER!
True story out of NC.
Man dating a separated woman. Divorce became final ex hubby shows up the day it becomes final kills the man and holds the woman and kids hostage.
swat shows up and confrontation is ended peacefully well less the boyfriends dead body.
I repeat that story to myself when a separated woman wants to date. I tell them look me up when your divorced if your still interested and we'll talk.
I would not go out with a woman who is not at least neutral with their ex.
Divorces take no more than a year to complete (so waiting is always an option) unless they are complicated and if they are that complicated why get involved in a mess that has nothing to do with you. It can only bring trouble to your door step and or your children if you have any. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/7/2009 4:11:49 PM | My last boyfriend was separated from his ex-wife. When we had first met, he had not told me this bit of info. He had also not told me he had a kid with her, and two kids with a first ex-wife. I started figuring it out on my own (you know when something is up, the only calling at 10pm (kids go to bed as 9pm), and finally he told me about the kids. Then he told me that he slept on the couch for now 3 years, and stayed nearby for the kid. I decided to put the brakes on the relationship when 1 day, he sent me an email from his wife. She had written that she was not going to interfere with his relationship with me (she had started to leave me harassing messages when she found out about us which was why he had decided to tell me the truth about their separation). She had written that she was sorry for things she had said to me.
I helped him move out of the apartment, and we stayed together as a couple for 2 years until we too went our own ways. Oh well, things happen.  | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/7/2009 4:47:50 PM | I dated someone that was "seperated" so he said. He had his own place for over 8 years, and with that I beleive he never plans on cutting wedding knot. Maybe because of the kid, or parents.
I beleive someone that waits that long is not going to commit to anyone (not even themselves). If you did find one that did "Congrats" to you.
I think there their a waste of time. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:43:51 PM | Well, I'm glad a few other separated people posted so I don't feel the need to go into any detail. Someone wrote this though
"If you are a person that is seperated then you should be trying to work on your marriage instead of looking for someone else"
LOL
Really, thanks for that you made me laugh, no really, I cracked up when I read that! Some of us have had to acknowledge that a relationship(this one happens to be a marraige) is not working and is not going to work so we've moved our lives forward, without each other. When there is a mutual decision to separate, no offense, but who the **** are you to tell us that we need to be fixing it? The whole point is that we tried and it didn't work. Some of us have been down the marraige counciling/therapy road and it didn't help so we (mature adults) realized that marraige was not going to work for us.
I won't speak for others but I have a child with my soon to be ex-wife and we are in contact regularly. I am friends with the in-laws and visit for occassional family events, as my son is there for them. I was friends with my wife since I was 17, just cause our marraige isn't going to work doesn't mean I won't be friends with her anymore! The notions I read on here about people needing to be totally removed from their ex to be "dateable" is ridiculous. You don't know someone until you try to get to know them, and their situation, even single people have things going on, duh!
Whatever. . . . | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/8/2009 4:07:42 AM | Man dating a separated woman. Divorce became final ex hubby shows up the day it becomes final kills the man and holds the woman and kids hostage.
swat shows up and confrontation is ended peacefully well less the boyfriends dead body.
I repeat that story to myself when a separated woman wants to date. I tell them look me up when your divorced if your still interested and we'll talk. Because of course psychotic homicidal ex-partners are only the remit of separated folk. 
Seriously, what relevance does that story have when it comes to dating a person who is separated vs divorced? Do you honestly believe that a person who is not yet divorced is the only one who might have problems with an ex? There are plenty of long-since divorced people whose ex spouses turn violent.
There are also plenty of long-since divorced spouses who have plenty of unfinished business.
Bottom line, whether one is separated or divorced matters little. It is what the true nature of that relationship is - emotionally, financially and practically. Having been separated for almost 2.5 years prior to my divorce (and BTW this was strictly a no-drama, no court, 'amicable' divorce), I prefer to deal with the realities not someone's small minded presumptions.
I have no doubt I was a hell of a lot more 'dateable' than many divorced women I know about a year into my separation. I do absolutely agree a decent amount of time should be taken to be 100% sure a marriage is irreconcilable and to sort out financial, practical and child-related matters.
So I would never be so stupid as to reject someone outright because they are not yet divorced.
Anyone who bases it purely on whether or not one is divorced is really foolish IMHO. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:15:04 AM | | I do not date men that are seperated!!!!! I believe it takes time to get over all the emotions of seperation, changing, divorce. Some heal quicker that others I understand. Why put yourself into a situation like that!! | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:45:42 AM | I've been separated for 18 months now. I attempted dating 8 months in. Stupid me! I was actually somewhat stable and sane, compared to the divorcee (4 yrs removed from her marriage) I hooked up with. It might've been okay, except that I was not completely healed and when it didn't work out I was hurt beyond all reason for such a short relationship. And there I was worried I was the one who would ultimately do the hurting. Not always true.
In general, not a good idea. But the reason that keeps getting repeated over and over here, that the separated aren't as stable and sane as the divorced? Horse hockey, there are just as many confused, screwed up in that crowd as any other. It all depends, and I'd *never* get involved with *anyone* who makes such blanket statements! ;-). | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:31:29 PM | Separated is NOT the same as married in many cases.
Generalizing is stupid, shallow, and closeminded.
In my case I am single for 3 years and the divorce should have been over 2 years ago but the court system and a vindictive ex with expensive pit bull lawyers is turning it into an all out war.
I've moved on with my life..closed the old book and burned it. I've gotten my own home, new cars, and in the past few years, met some amazing women.
Those who would not date a guy like me don't have a clue what they're missing. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:25:48 PM | | Praire7 you are the most on target. Why does everyone automatically think separated people are in the process of divorce? I am separated due to the fact that my husband has a severe mental disorder as the result of a severe stroke. There is absolutely no hope for his getting any better, and he is slowly wasting away. After five years of watching him die by inches, I have decided to try to get on with a bit of my life by making new contacts and getting out. Bottom line, at least find out why the person is separated before judgment is passed. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:57:32 AM | [Bottom line, at least find out why the person is separated before judgment is passed.]
I totally agree aware12 - I mean some people "check out" of the relationship long before the seperation - and there is always a good reason when a person has left and became seperated. In Ontario you have to wait 12 months to divorce, some people have long since gotten over thier ex before that deadline and are ready to move on. Why judge a person on that? I have been seperated for a month but emotionally have been out of the relationship for much, much longer. Some people may take longer, some people may take shorter times to heal but in the end only they know when they are ready to move on. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 7/15/2009 12:37:13 PM | | I'm a 50 year old female who has been separated since 2002. My husband left me for another woman who was his first girlfriend when he was 18. The reason that we haven't finalized the divorce is because I needed the medical insurance that was provided through his job. There is NO CHANCE that we will ever get back together. | |
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