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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/31/2009 8:06:51 PM | | BEEN THERE!! it was alright... I mean yeah it kinda got in the way of "emotions" but... for the most part it was good I think what was our bad was my situation... but i mean it can work there just has to be "trust" | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/2/2009 5:13:17 PM | I am saddened to read such post about those who are separated. It appears as if the separated are afflicted with this horrible disease and should be avoided at all cost.
I sympathize with those who have had bad experiences and have every right to be sceptical. In this sometimes cruel world of dating, precautionary measures should be taken regardless of anyone’s marital status. Liars, cheaters and those emotionally weak with questionable ethics are always present. It does not surprise me that there is an overwhelming negative opinion on those who are separated. Those who had a successful experience are probably not on POF anymore. It is a factor to consider. I do think that it is unfair to paint with one broad brush stroke on a whole category of people. In these politically correct times, just as we frown on racial profiling, what we have here is marital profiling.
Making such superficial judgements (as mentioned by earlier posts), we can loose out on a treasure that others have overlooked. I think that we are all struggling for ways of making sound judgements and there seems to be an endless number of variables to consider. The subject is complex and one needs more objective parameters.
There is no question that the separated are technically still married. A more relevant assessment is whether the individual is still emotionally married. This state of the heart extends much further then after the divorced papers are signed.
Martin Luther King said that we should judge each other base on the content of our character. If we are successful in this daunting task, the rest will fall into place. Many of us (including myself) fail here. That is why I am here.
I would date someone who is separated or anyone else for that matter that appears to be compatible with me. I would be constantly vigilant on any warning signs. At my age ,some emotional baggage is inevitable and that would be the same for my potential mates. It would be negligent not to be aware of it.
It is a shame to be jaded by the scars of living. It clouds our judgement | |
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x-JD-x
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Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 129 | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:43:55 PM |
There is no question that the separated are technically still married.  Ummm we call it LEGALLY still married until you have a paper signed by a judge stating you are divorced. This is a black and white issue, you are not divorced when you are separated.
Personally I have heard one too many bs excuses why people aren't divorced. Unless someone could legally marry you, then you run a risk dating them. There are tons of things that can happen when you date/meet someone, it is easier to at least know this person doesn't have wife or husband. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:59:42 AM | It is true that someone who is separated is legally still married. In fact, it is the legal issues of Canadian divorce law that makes me more open minded towards those who are separated. I am by far not an expert on these matters and perhaps someone who is better versed can chime in. My understanding is that divorce is not accomplished simply because a couple wishes to part ways. In Canada, a divorce has to be granted by a judge.
Although it is unlikely for a judge to deny what a couple wishes, but it is also not uncommon for a judge to withhold decision especially when there are minors involved.
The judge makes his/her decision for the best interest of the children. The issues of custody, guardianship, child support, asset division, spousal support, etc complicates the matter. The process can take many years. It is a matter decided by a third party and the outcome is unique to every case.
The considerations of half hearted separations, rebound relationships, re-connection with original spouse, deceitful conduct, emotional frailty are very valid, These characteristics are not unique to those who are separated but are present everywhere.
Precautions against someone with these characteristics should be taken regardless of whether he/she is separated, divorced, single or whatever.
If I have digressed from the topic of this thread I apologize | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/25/2009 3:20:28 PM | I know when I was separated, I was grateful as HE** that someone took pity...oops...was willing to date me for a while!! It was like medicine! 
We both knew that there was no "forever" in it, due to our respective situations (he was separated at the time, too), but it did a body good!
They reconciled (happily), so I was glad we both were genuinely clear on expectations from the beginning.
Big, rough, New York Italian....Damn.
Thanks, again, where ever you are!!
Jewels | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:05:21 PM | | Okay, let me give you all the perspective of someone who is separated. I have been separated from my husband since October of 2006; the only reason we have not legally divorced is that I have spent most of my career as a restaurant chef in independent restaurants, none of which offered health insurance. My former husband has graciously agreed to keep paying for his insurance to cover me, even though he could, technically, take me off of it. If we were to divorce, I would be left with no coverage for health care, which I need for my own reasons. When I do find a job with benefits, we will divorce. We are a rare breed of people who realized that we made better friends than a couple, so are splitting amicably. We remain friends, best friends, really, but neither one of us has any desire to get back together. So I say, to answer the question, get to know the person and then decide, rather than making a judgment call based on status. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/9/2009 3:48:01 PM | To karoline,
I understand your point which is completely valid, however, there are some men
that have told me their divorce is coming through in 5 months, which would be
great, however, 3 years later, he still isn't divorced. Previously, he tried to convince
me his wife wanted the divorce, and every story under the sun. Unfortunately
I just don't date anyone who is separated, as time is precious, and in my case,
their divorce didn't go smoothly. I do wish you the very best, and I'm certain you
are on the right track. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/9/2009 6:30:18 PM | Uhm.. Did anyone else notice how winded and convoluted the answers from "separateds" are on this issue?
*laughing*
Look, you're single until you get married, you stay married until you get divorced or widowed, you stay divorced or widowed until you've decided to sign marriage papers again.
And so on, and so forth.
IS THIS REALLY SO COMPLICATED TO GRASP?? | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/9/2009 6:45:56 PM | | In some states getting a divorce can take YEARS... Especially if there are children involved. However; I can understand someone being hesitant if less than 6 months has gone by between separation / filing the divorce papers... In my case it is supposed to be FINAL in about 3 days... (In the works for about 2 yrs) | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/9/2009 6:46:03 PM | No, I have done that and won't do it again. There was tons of drama with the soon-to-be-ex and children, the children, were hurting, tons of fighting. He told me he was ready to move on, but he spent all his time complaining about her actions (and then feeling sorry for her on the other hand). I just don't feel like being a therapist again for someone. After almost a year of dating, he realized it was a rebound relationship and found someone else. I heard a year later he was still trying to get a divorce. I am glad to be out of that relationship. I don't think any relationship is perfect but, in my opinion, dating a separated person is often "borrowing trouble."
And, one question for the separated person...why do you HAVE to date someone so soon? Why not wait until you have the drama behind you? I mean it's one thing to want to go out and have a nice time, meet new friends, etc, but why do some separated people want to go straight into another serious relationship? | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/9/2009 8:05:37 PM | | I don't want or need to deal with someone else's marital problems. Once they are legally divorced, they can date, until then, leave me alone. I don't want to go through those headaches ever again. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/9/2009 11:00:20 PM | I'm separated. I don't blame women for not wanting to date me because of that (if it's for any other reason - that's another matter :))
In fact, I put right at the top of my profile that I am in the process of getting a divorce, and am not dating until it is finalized - I'm just here for friendly connections.
Even if I were dating, I'd generally be wary of dating a separated woman - it's unfinished business. There could of course be exceptions to the above. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/10/2009 9:58:13 AM | | I don't date men who are separated; for to me, they are still married. They need the time to concentrate on getting what has to be done to end the marraige before they are ready to start dating again. I also try not to be the first woman a man dates after a divorce. I prefer divorced men who have had the time to date around a bit so they have an opportunity to decide what they are looking for and what they aren't looking for....they need time to recover for the trauma and their feelings before they are anywhere near ready to commit to another woman. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/12/2009 7:54:01 AM | Well here we go.. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this and i almost walked away without saying anything. But here we go. I am seperated. He left us on xmas day for a younger woman. Now less than a week later i was in my lawyer's office filing for divorce. He is postponing it as much as he can.. in the hopes that he won't have to pay child support or alimony. I am wronged, then put off and now people want to say it is wrong for me to date? I'm sure some do go back. And for them i say hey..if you can make it work more power to ya. But others are sure of where their lives are heading.. or not heading. No stepping backwards for me. Still married just because the courts take so long to file their paperwork? NO i am not still married. I was divorced the second he commited adultry. Now i'm just waiting for a stupid paper that gives me the freedom to date.
Well i am dating. And thank God for him. He is amazing. And gives us all something to smile about. Go back? hahah not on you life! | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/12/2009 8:34:02 AM | I met a man who was separated.... because everyone deserves a chance........right ?.... then I come to find out that he was only separated because his wife was at work.......so after that one.......I learned.....get your divorce.....and then call me....... | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/12/2009 5:39:13 PM | I did feel comfortable-but it stopped when the wife returned to town and wanted to get back together.People,including his father, thought he was foolish.
Later dated a fellow who claimed to be divorced. However, I was informed by his daughter that there was no divorce! His ex-wife had moved on and there was no threat from her-simply he misrepresented his status. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/13/2009 7:38:23 PM | Nope.... Have done it in the past, and will not go there again 
I have found that most men who are separated are not of the same mind-set or emotional level with regards to having a "relationship" as I am. They have not yet gone through the gamut of emotions and experiences that you have to endure when you face both separation and divorce. They have a "candy store" mentality and basically want to have fun (sex) and party after being "serious" and married for so long. Usually, their commitment level to a relationship is extremely low.
This year, I will have been on my own for 10 years  and divorced for 8. I have been though the emotional and mental roller coaster. The divorce is done, kids are on their own, and I now feel that I am ready for a loving, long term, serious relationship, but not with a man who is separated. We are just not at the same place.... | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/13/2009 8:09:35 PM | It's like marriage karma.
There are guys who claim to be separated, but if you ask the other spouse, it's news to them.
Then there are guys who SWEAR they are divorced. Then it turns out the paperwork is still not signed.
And I love 40somthing to 50something claiming to be SINGLE. Only to find out they are shopping for wife number 3.
All 3 have one thing in common. They are liars. Fakes. Relationship toxic. Like breaking a mirror and waiting for the 7 years to eventually run out . They are bad news.
And a dime a doze on this site.
Single means NEVER married.
Separated means they had an arguement and are taking time off to cool down but are still married. Maybe they'll get back together, maybe not.
Divorced means the paperwork is signed. Assets are split. Visitation schedules are made for the kids. SEPARATE households with SEPARATE addresses.
If you start dating someone who is separated...you'll keep having your life on hold and get caught up on their drama. It's selfish of them to burden someone else with their mess. Clean it up first. Have a full cup to share rather than an empty cup to fill.
Nuff said! | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/13/2009 8:42:43 PM | | I dated a guy who was seperated. After a few months he goes back to his wife. Yet...he wants to continue our relationship. Kinda like having your cake and eating it too. I would suggest dating someone who is available. Someone who is seperated is not available they are just testing the waters. If they don't like whats out there ....can can return home. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/13/2009 9:17:45 PM | | I havent experienced any dates with someone that is seperated only Divorced..I am female and seperated ..I wouldnt even dream of putting a guy in the situation as to where i might go bac to my husband..but in answer to your question it would be the female that went bac with the ex not the guy.. | |
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