| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/14/2009 8:31:40 AM | | Would not date a man only separated. I came to POF looking for a long term relationship, hoping to get married again some day. Why would I look for a long term with someone who is still legally married? That's before even considering the 'rebound' effect. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/14/2009 9:53:25 AM | | I seen the stop sign, but slid on through and a mistake did I make. He had been separeted for 9 months and in the middle of a divorse. Started dating, became romanticly involved, had the same interest, he treated me very well and talked about how much he loved me and this went on 5 months. Then one morning after we had made love and he said I love you babe the night before, he says he was married 26 yrs. and you are the fist person that I have dated since splitting up with my wife and I've been talking to other women on line that he would like to meet. I left and haven't looked back except as a learning lesson and that is to look at the stop sign and stop instead of slidding through. To all of my pof friends don't go there, it hurst in the end. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/14/2009 10:40:18 AM | I agree with all here. I would never date a man who is separated. He is still legally married.
I also try to stay away from divorced men who are close to their children, for fear of becoming an obstacle. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/14/2009 12:18:54 PM | | I am a person that is separated but why would I want to work on a marriage with someone who cheats on me and mentally and physically abuses me, "for the kids sake", I done that for four years before walking away with my kids for their sake and mine, does that mean I shouldn't be able to start dating again, I have seen solicitor regarding divorce etc but it's the last topic I'd be discussing with anybody that I date ! | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/14/2009 12:36:08 PM | No thanks not for me . If that person has not got themselves sorted with divorce..Why are they wanting to date.Even if they are seperated 2years or more.Why are they not divorced? No thanks a clean break or I'm not interested | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/14/2009 12:51:21 PM |
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
NOPE. Get a lawyer, get a court date, get a final Decree, live alone a year or two, fix your part of the failure and then maybe we'll talk. JMO  | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/17/2009 5:36:46 PM | I would say no...not comfortable. And not necessarily because I fear they'll go back to their relationship. Depending on the length of the seperation...there could be a variety of issues:
1) short seperation- I believe people need some time to themselves after a split...to regroup and deal with any outstanding issues, get their life in order.
2) very long seperation - What the hell is the hold up??? Seriously...when its over, its over. Close the door. Take out the trash.
3) could be really nasty split, custody issues etc. not a very solid foundation to start something new on.
4) could be the person sees themselves as seperated and therefore available...but has someone at home with the impression that said person just needs some time and then things will work out between them. Far as I'm concerned...that is kinda cheating (starting something with someone new when you know you still hold someones heart in your hands.)
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/17/2009 5:57:03 PM | | I dated a guy for a year who was seperated. His divorce took a couple of years to get settled. I had no problem dating him. Of course, I dated him for the year without EVER knowing he was still married. He told me single/never married when we first started going out. Ah...memories. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/17/2009 8:02:15 PM | | when i first came into this site...didnt think it was a problem then....well...been there twice and never again. No I wouldnt, he would have to be divorced and rid of his emotional attachement from any of his past relationships. even then i am leary, some still have strong feelings for their exes, even divorced. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/18/2009 2:24:02 AM | The man that I had dated i cared about very very much. He was incapable of feelings. I was stupid to let him in my life.
FYI~~~~I was SEPERATED~~~Waiting on papers and my ex was married to another woman at the same time in another country. So, I was divorce from a bigamist and waiting for the papers.
But I dated a man who was "seperated" for about 6 years without being divorced and boy if there is anything that anybody can learn from this thread is
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T
I cannot say it enough times!!!! with how much this man hurt me~~and he is back on POF looking for his next casual sex victim whos head he can mess with...........but that is not what he says or what his profile says................because he is a pathological liar and a very hurtful man. Many things that he said to me were untrue and that really hurt me deeply. I wanted to know the truth because I gave him my heart. I (called)contacted his seperated wife. She told me that he demeaned her and abused her emotionally the way I felt and His son NEVER NEVER wants to speak to him again till the day he is DEAD!!!!!!! They both said that I am lucky that he is gone!
People think twice before date a "seperated" person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/18/2009 3:52:41 AM | The problem online is, people pack up and move...and as soon as they have access to the net, they put up a profile, they are seperated, and still running back n forth moving thier crap and dealing with the seperation....the seperated men who have contacted me are sleeping in sleeping bags in thier cousins/brothers/aunties basements and dont even know when they will see thier kids yet...No Thanks!
There is seperated (divorce happening any day) and there is newly moved out of the marital home. Most of the men fall under the 2nd online....just way too soon for me. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/18/2009 4:44:46 AM | | I try to avoid it myself for several reasons. They are still technically married, so it is not resolved yet. The other reasons are because they are usually have a different mind set being new in the dating world again. I find they generally can be very vulnerable and latch onto the first nice person they meet just not to be alone, or they are open to a newfound freedom and want to play the field. I think when one is separated, they need time to figure out themselves and what is important to them. I do not want to be the rebound relationship. I'd rather date someone who has dated and has realized what it is they want and don't want in a relationship. Someone more on the same mindset as myself. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:24:24 PM | Well, it's a minefield for the reasons people have listed above. I am willing to give people the benefit of the doubt if they are clearly moving ahead legally speaking, and are past the bitterness. When I met my last b/f (not through this site) he wasn't divorced yet. I expressed my concerns about that, and he quickly moved ahead with getting the lawyer, serving papers to his ex, and finishing the process. We were together for a long time after that, and his separation/divorce was a non-issue.
So being separated, per se, may not be terrible, but if the person is stuck in a quagmire then it's best to proceed slowly with them, or maybe just be friends until you know where everything stands. And if you are the separated person, be fair to others! If you are still living under the same roof, haven't worked out your settlement, haven't filed papers yet, etc. , then don't date anybody yet, you're not ready. I realize it's tempting to seek new romance because your marriage is hurting you and you want to feel better - but you have to clean up your existing mess first. It's fine to go on this site for friendship and moral support but nothing else until then. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:38:30 PM | Well...no wonder I can't get a date.....lol
NO really.
Separated for the past year to the day come Tax Day.Legally separated for 6 months.
Not going back.Acceptance and healing sometimes comes DURING the marriage.
Been alone and worked on myself without drinking or screwing my way thru it.
I assume ANYONE I date or get involved with will be considered a "rebound"?
It's finished emotionally and financially....and I am the one who initiated it....
Filing after the year and a day mandated waiting period has been fun.
We are civil but not up eachothers butts.....and we BOTH belong here......
Awwww how sweet! lol
I would dare risk saying.....I am SAFE TO DATE.
But........be gentle with me.......it's been 25 years since I dated.......lol
So far.......it's been a bunch of utterly ridiculous games and omissions....hope it get's better. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:17:56 PM | Mostly it's the women who say they won't date separated men. I wonder why it seems that men are usually less picky about this? On the other hand, I guess there are some men who won't date women who have children living at home. My goodness, don't you think you should finish up the old business and be free of those prior commitments before dating again?
I would - and have - dated separated women and separated/divorced women with children. I guess I'm just a huge risk-taker! | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:07:48 PM | When I was separated, yes, there were some guys who hesitated to date me because of that. There are also some guys who don't want to date a woman with children. So be it, that's their preference.
In any case, let's differentiate between the "old business" of being a parent and "old business" of still being married/romantically/emotionally attached to someone else. Huge, huge difference. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:29:22 PM |
But........be gentle with me.......it's been 25 years since I dated.......lol
So far.......it's been a bunch of utterly ridiculous games and omissions....hope it get's better.
Closer2U,
For me it was almost 15 years since the last time I tried to date when my split happened last year.
And in my experience, at least half of the *people* (men and women) have trouble being straight.
But that's not just an internet thing... it's as likely to happen in person in my experience.
And based on my experiences and my best friend's experiences (who has never been married), I don't believe it gets better until you find someone who is a good fit.
And even when you find someone who you think is a good fit, that doesn't mean THEY will think you're a good fit...
I figure the best anyone can do is just try to enjoy the fun aspects of dating while trying to forget about the negative stuff.
*****
Now for OP's question... I'm comfortable dating someone who is separated or divorced ONLY if in the event I called their house, it does NOT set off fireworks with their family or their Ex.
And I'm specifically thinking of a couple I know who are divorced, but they still live together out of... ummm... I was gonna say necessity... but that's not really true...
They are both controlling in nature. The result is that they both have all the disadvantages of being divorced with none of the advantages.
The minefield you can have with a divorced person is the same minefield you can have with a separated person and even a "single" person... who may still have a partner on the side.
I personally am separated... and everything is above-board with my Ex and I.
Anyone I date can call my house and it's not an issue because my Ex and I have already discussed dating. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:41:27 PM | ABSOLUTELY not --
I even tried going against my better judgement-- dated a man who was seperated-- and though he did complete the divorce, and we did date, he NEVER was ready for a real relationship--- even after 3 years he'd still tell me how hurt he was that she left.
Of course I fell in love-- and had to end it because it was too painful being wrapped up in the "rebound girl" scenario. Worst of it is -- men AND WOMEN dont think their feelings through -- they just jump in, not knowing that theyre not ready and end up hurting others --- there really should be a dating LAW against dating while seperated or newly divorced.... unless the seperation has been long term and the paper signing is just a triviality.
So NO, NEVER AGAIN. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:59:48 PM |
There really should be a dating LAW against dating while seperated or newly divorced.... unless the seperation has been long term and the paper signing is just a triviality.
I think there is definately a difference between separated...and SEPARATED.But how long should be banish ourselves from life before we are allowed to re-enter the world?
I wouldn't want to date anyone who had issues with it!
Ironically,no dates, and no sex in the past year for me...try as I might to find someone I am compatible with......so it's really not been an issue for anyone..but me.
But I am upfront and am not emotionally married...and I am legally separated with kids.....take me or leave me.I am no less a risk than anyone else is really.
No mine fields after a year of healing and dealing.and yeah.....I know all about liars being everywhere...not just the internet.Keeps me from fully letting down my guards, to be sure.Even in my "lowly status". :(
Isn't everyone in a rebound from thier last relationship?Married or not? | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 4:00:50 PM | Sirenbliss,
Good post... and for some reason, it made me think of my mother.
My father passed away in 1991 and my mother didn't date for 10 YEARS... at least 5 years too long of a wait in my opinion.
But my father's passing was hardest on my mother more than anyone.
And even after she started dating 10 years after my dad's death, she was still concerned about what my siblings and I would think when she actually started seeing someone... but we all just told her we wanted her to be happy... and she is happier now that she has a boyfriend.
Different people take different amounts of time to recover... for my mom it was 10 years.
For me it was much quicker.
And in my direct experience, ending a long term relationship feels somewhat like having someone you care about die.
This guy you speak of clearly wasn't past his mourning phase.
To me, the key thing to look for is if the person has the desire to move on and has taken steps to do so. | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 4:14:24 PM |
It's hard to focus on the positive, when most of it's been negative tho.At least I have my freedom........maybe I should just enjoy that for another year! lol
Closer2u,
When I initially came on POF, my goal wasn't even to date.
My goal was to find people in my situation (separated or divorced with kids) and just chat with them... the philosophy being "misery loves company" and that meeting people would help me move on.
But the no-stress and no-pressure meetings turned into dates which turned into intimacy in a few cases.
I also figured that since I didn't have a partner anymore, why not find someone else to do the "partner activities" with... like going to a movie, trying out a restaurant, Go Karting, etc.
It didn't/doesn't matter if I hit it off with someone since at least I got to do something I enjoy and doing it was someone else added to the fun. I haven't had a single hellish date because dating wasn't the point.
Not saying you should do what I did, but it did work for me... | |
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| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/6/2009 5:06:42 PM | | I myself am separated (going on 3 years) and I have been on a few dates with separated men. It really does matter (to me) how long he has been separated for. That's not to say that I wouldn't do a social activity or just have drinks and talk but the door to my heart will be closed pretty tight. People who have divorced have gotten back together as well...so like anything, there are no guarantees. | |
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