| |
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/20/2009 9:15:13 AM | Separated persons are still emotionally involved with their estranged "partner". Expect your date to talk about child custody cases, court proceedings, self-pity, and a whole load of BS! Also expect them to suspect your motivations e.g. "you are doing it for the same reasons my ex did it! " ... paranoia?
These people need counselling more than they need a date!  | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:07:53 AM | Separated persons are still emotionally involved with their estranged "partner". Expect your date to talk about child custody cases, court proceedings, self-pity, and a whole load of BS! Also expect them to suspect your motivations e.g. "you are doing it for the same reasons my ex did it! " ... paranoia? I have been separated for 2yrs3mths. Will be divorced this week as it happens.
Have been on dates whilst separated. Emotionally involved with my (almost) ex husband? Nope. Didn't even contemplate dating until I was well and truly past that stage.
Talked about child custody cases? Nope. Never had a child custody case. My ex and I have always negotiated child custody between us and are in complete agreement about it. No intervention required.
Court proceedings? Nope. The only Court hearing we will have is the one for our divorce application and because our application is joint, neither of us is required to attend. It is a rubber stamp hearing.
Self-pity? Nope. That both my ex-husband and I were unable to make our marriage work is my deepest regret, no doubt. We gave it all we had and recognised in the end that we had exhausted all possibility of reconciliation. Do I need a date to feel sorry for me because of that? Nope.
And a whole load of BS. Well, separated people don't have the franchise on that. The BS level is entirely dependant on the person, not their marital status.
Now, I doubt very much I am the only separated woman on the planet who was able to separate amicably, deal with my emotional fallout prior to dating, and avoid Courts altogether, whether it be for custody or anything else. Of course we had our moments, but those were dealt with long before either one of us considered dating others. So I guess that blows that theory huh?
Re the OP: Won't directly address it, since it was posted in 07, presumably before the OP was divorced. But my observation is this. If you are separated in the US, you are considered pretty much 'untouchable' by many - either they are in the "separated=married brigade" (which seems to be heavily populated by Christian doctrine who go with "separated people who date are adulterers"), "separated people are still emotionally involved with their ex's", "separated people have unfinished business" and many more; but those seem to be the biggies. Add that to the legal system in the US, where I was told it is not possible to sever ties with your marriage partner financially until you are divorced, and I'd say separated people in the US are pretty much screwed.
Of course is entirely possible to be separated and for none of the above (financial severing in the US excepted perhaps) to be true. And yes that does include separated=married, because at law that is entirely incorrect. And most people who have actually been separated know it is entirely possible for there to be no emotional involvement with your estranged partner. Funnily enough it is always those who have never been separated themselves who think they know how it is.
But religion and social/cultural conditioning are a powerful thing it would seem. And in my time on this site, where this question is asked frequently there are very few who seem capable of overcoming their social conditioning to really consider the person as an individual. So they evidently find it easier to declare what they perceive to be the issues of dating a separated person, atribute those to every separated person and dismiss them outright as worth dating. And hey, nothing anyone can do about that. And of course for some, their religious practise prohibits it in any event.
If you're separated and ready to date, you might have to consider a new locale. Australians seem to have far less problem with it, from my experience and observation. Maybe other members from outside the US can comment on their experience. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/20/2009 11:16:04 AM | Nope.
I talked to someone on here a while back and she didn't seem sure of herself, when asked if things were officially over with her and her ex, she said "she didn't know". So that was all I needed to know that this wasn't going any further and that she probably still had feelings for him. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:51:30 PM | I talked to someone on here a while back and she didn't seem sure of herself, when asked if things were officially over with her and her ex, she said "she didn't know". So that was all I needed to know that this wasn't going any further and that she probably still had feelings for him. Now you see, that is a well-informed reason not to date someone separated. Someone who is answering that question with "I don't know" is not ready to date.
But the thing is there are plenty of people that are divorced or never married who may also not know if things are truly over with their ex. Especially the never marrieds. What if they were living with someone for 15yrs, separate and are now out there dating? They can call themselves 'single' having never been legally married, but the thing is, it was a significant long-term relationship and they are just as likely to return to their ex as the separated person. And in Australia (and some States of the US I believe?) the would be legally considered in a Common Law marriage and so all the inherent issues of being a married couple that posters here are concerned with would still apply.
People should concern themselves less with whether or not someone is separated and more with individual's circumstances, provided they are not barred by religious practise. For all of you that refuse to date a separated person, I assume you also refuse to date anyone who has just come out of a long-term de facto relationship also? | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/20/2009 7:26:49 PM | | There are many variables...how long have they been seperated, what kind of relationship do they have now...and...is every other sentence about the estranged spouse? You have to kind of step back and look at the big picture on this one..but never step outside your comfort zone...the only one who can determine the right or wrong answer for you is YOU! | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/21/2009 12:37:16 AM | | I would have never thought in a million years I would get involved with someone that was still legally married...I'm too logical/moralistic for that...most of my conduct/behavior functions on logic & morals but I met and fell for someone who was...and he let me know pretty early on he was in that predicament yet I still let myself go...very unlike me...and even knowing they had been separated a couple of years and not knowing if a divorce was going to ever transpire I let myself get involved/vulnerable and potentially subjecting myself to potentially being hurt...last I heard she was sending him the divorce papers...which I was very happy to hear about because I had absolutely fallen for him and had considered having a future with him but I don't know what's happened since...either way it's not the best/easiest circumstance to be involved in. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/22/2009 8:01:01 PM | | It's different for each situation. If they are newly separated, I probably wouldn't date them. However, someone who has been separated for a while, who has clearly moved on and their ex isn't hanging around waiting for them to come back, I would feel comfortable dating. If you think there's any chance they would go back to their spouse, then you shouldn't be dating them. They need to be sure that things are over, and the situation must be clear. Any cloudiness at all would make me hesitant to get involved... | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/23/2009 11:28:06 AM | so depends on the situation.
And what constitutes seperated vs divorced? Technically one is not divorced until the divorce is finalized by the courts...
but yet my papers have been filed (Several months) i'm in no way interested in going back to him (ummm ever) and have dated a few times since we split. i'm now ready to move on and find mr right.
but there's chances this divorce might not be FINAL for at least another year (Possibly more)
Now am i going to sit down and talk about how court is going and how he's not blah balha blah? with a date? no- i got girlfriends for that. I think by crossing off folks who are seperated with out talking a few times first you can miss out on someone good. Sometimes it's not THIS person who is making things drag on. THIS person might be done with the marriage.
Seperated doesn't mean still married but with issues in all cases...
Krystl (Who considered herself divorced the day those papers got filed- but isn't in the eyes of the law) | |
|
| |
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/23/2009 1:52:43 PM | Im not comfortable dating or seeing someone who is separated.I dont care if he was separated 20 years ago or just separated.For me, he is still married and i dont date a married man.
The first thing I ask to a man is his "status".
Ive dated one guy who lied to me he said he was single then i found out that he was separated"I slapped him on the face --lol. | |
|
| |
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/24/2009 4:56:45 AM | | Ask yourself why you would even comptemplate engaing yourself into any relationship with a MARRIED person. Some states don't acknowledge "seperation". I know a female friend who has been "seperated "for more than 3 years. I think that's ...married. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/24/2009 12:02:00 PM | I am someone who is separated and I would say it depends on the situation. I have spoken with people who claim they are separated and still "live" in the same household for financial reasons, kids, etc. To me that is still married and I would stay far away from them.
You could also go by the length of time but like many have said it's not always so cut and dry. I have been separated for 18 months while there is no chance of going back I have taken that time to re-evaluate myself and am comforable to move on.
Just becuase the divorce is finalized is not a GUARENTEE that they will not be with that person again if feelings are still there.
You should take each person and the situation as they come and not rule them out becuase of it. | |
|
| |
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/25/2009 4:50:04 AM | I vigorously disagree with most of the opinions here. There are many reasons that it may take a long while for a divorce agreement to legally become final. These reasons are often financial (often involving health coverage or childrn' interest) and have nothing to do with a person's emotional seperation or readiness to proceed in a new relationship.
Conversely, many legally divorced people are still caught up in their old marriage. So it all highly depends on the situation. If someone were to date someone who is "seperated", it is ofcourse important to assess precisely what that means --for me it means among other things that there is zero chance of the parties getting back together, that there is a clear move to funalize the divorce, that the spouse is not living with the other, that there is not active deceit occurring, that my potential date is relatively emotionally free (and this means having worked through her animosity) and that the situation with any kids is one that has their interests at heart. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:37:28 PM | Separated means "Not together", about the same as single means "not with anyone". The issue is that people individually each chose to define how they handle their not-together-freedom of singlehood/separation in the way that fits them based on convienience and/or morales.
People youre dating who are totally single can call it off with you for another man -even if you both mean well! (Trust me, I'm speaking from current experience here!!). So theres truly no guarantees in this life. You just have to take your chances or miss out on opportunities.
I've always been willing to take the risk of investing my heart and time because if you dont try, you wont find it. So "separation" means as much as "single" means to me. I'm separated, been so for 4 months now and she is now signing the papers. I'm dating and I know shs been dating and I'm happy for her.
Dating for me for all my above stated reasons feels quite healthy for me. I see no reason to not give a separated person a chance. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/14/2009 9:18:38 PM | Life is complicated. So is love.
If someone is out to decieve another person, marital status does not matter, character does. Its really that simple. You have to be a good judge of character.
I am one of those guys that clearly is "seperated" and living in the same structure as my soon to be ex. We have papers filed and served. My state has a manditory waiting / cool down period, which I am in, and we mutually decided when to file based on a number of factors. We happen to have 2 houses on our lot, and I am building myself an in-law, because I can, and because it gives us more choices.
We have a 3 year old, we have a staggering jumbo mortgage commitment, we will not be able to sell in this housing market without losing years of hard work. We both work as self employed freelancers in constuction (design / build), and neither is confident when the next check is going to come in. We can barely afford to support one household, supporting 2 would mean financial disaster. Too many sacrifices where made to give it all away.
We had our fights, our bitter anger towards each other, she with her checklist, and I with mine, but we committed to 16 months of weekly or biweekly maritial counseling, and realized that we were on different paths, and made our peace with it. We are divorcing without lawyers, peacefully, rationally, and collaboratively.
I have been dating, she has not. There is no physical contact, nor will there be, but the living arrangement works for us at the moment. My son reaps the benefits of our "new" partnership... 2 loving committed parents to him, not each other.
We both agreed that there are no dates brought to the house, unless the other one and our son is clearly not going to be around, and that we are not allowed into each others private areas, with very limited exceptions.
As to seperated = married: It is an individual judgement. My mom thinks your married until your papers are signed. My ex to be, says bluntly that I am not her husband anymore, we are both free to date and have fun, but she is not ready. I am.
If she doesn't view it as me cheating, there is no emotional harm being done. It is important that this is the case. She doesn't want to know who I am kissing, just so long as she knows that I'm out looking to be kissed.
Secrecy, deception, lying, covering tracks... thats cheating, with or without sexual contact, no matter your marital status.
Again.. its about character. | |
|
| |
| |
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/16/2009 12:22:21 PM | | I think you have to question why they're wanting to date again if they've not yet got divorced. Divorces can take months to sort out - that's a given - but if it really is over, then people shouldn't be delaying the process and should actively be working on getting it finalised as soon as possible. I would certainly be very hesitant with anyone who 'just hadn't got around to it yet' or hadn't even got their decree nisi as that is such a simple step and only takes a few weeks - so no excuses. I'd be particularly careful of someone who was using the 2 year separation grounds unless their spouse had actually disappeared and couldn't be served with any other grounds for divorce. The only other reason people should use that is if they're unsure that divorce is what they want and are trialling being apart - in which case I'm not interested while there's still some doubt. If someone hasn't got their decree nisi then they're still married in my eyes and any dating is being unfaithful. Even with that you know they're likely to have months of legal headaches and practical matters to sort out - probably best to stay well away until all that is sorted - they're not themselves until everything's settled down. On the other hand, I have met people who have classed themselves as separated as they had a long-term relationship with someone and had kids with them, but never actually married them, so the 'divorced' label just isn't appropriate. So it's best to discuss what 'separated' means on an individual basis and work out whether their relationship really is over and in the past or not. | |
|
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/16/2009 12:56:36 PM | It is wiser to step back and survey the entire situation and the logistics of what may be unfinished business. There are genuine individuals who are wholly over their ex.s and are trying to move on and have their past partners holding on... I think it depends how emotionally attached you become with a person or if it is love at first sight and therefore you feel out of control.
Personally, when I was in this situation I chose not to pursue the situation or even allow it to develop being friends because it was too complex to manage emotionally I felt.
I try to be compassionate though and accept that situations are not always cut and dry... | |
|
| |
| Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 5/16/2009 10:04:02 PM | | why dont ppl wait until the divorce is finalized? i wouldnt date someone who is separated until i see that the divorce has been finalized! these divorce ppl are in such a hurry to date and not take the time to recooperate. someone who is separated, that would be a red flag for me it would be excessive baggage to me! | |
|
| |
Home
login 
