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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/13/2007 5:46:02 PM | | The thing that's so great about POF is that you can put your sex/dating/commitment philosophy right into your profile. Take advantage of that if you're sure of how you'd like a relationship to go. Just say "these are the steps I like to take, and I appreciate being told if you feel differently.......". | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/13/2007 6:13:04 PM | The thing to be assumed once two people have sex is that not only he, but she as well are going to call and make another date and not just blow each other off - her out of embarassment for maybe giving in too soon, and him to call so she doesnt think she was just used.
After all, there needs to be "thank you sex" for the first sex... | |
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becky3
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Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 105 | |
| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/13/2007 9:21:58 PM | | At what point does having sex become something that is more that just something you do because it feels good? When is it something that means more? To me, if I feel a strong attraction it is because I care enough about you to share the most intimate side of myself. What comes after is accepting the flaws and imperfections. I would not sleep with you if I did not find your pesonality, looks, and character something I admire. There is a feeling when you meet someone and talk to them for a while that is beautiful and a joy, a spirit you relate to that goes beyond their past and failures. A spirit of what good exists inside of them despite their faults as a human being, like when you meet a friend. If I judged my friends by their past and their foot in their mouth abilities I would never have the friendships I have to this day. I am constantly overlooking their faults as I hope they overlook mine and see the real person they strive to be. So how does sex relate to this and it's implied commitment? Not sure, but to have such an intimacy requires a certain amount of faith in who you believe them to be or mean to you. I am just old fashioned and I believe making love is the same as having sex. I do not have "sex" unless my heart is in it. There are people I meet and know they are no good. And their are those I meet who are kind and try very hard. Whether sex means anything to them more than the act of sex, I hope so, I have faith to think it does or I would not be with them in the first place. But I suppose that is an unrealistic assumption. I find that sad. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/13/2007 9:42:02 PM |
I believe making love is the same as having sex. I do not have "sex" unless my heart is in it. There are people I meet and know they are no good. And their are those I meet who are kind and try very hard. Whether sex means anything to them more than the act of sex, I hope so, I have faith to think it does or I would not be with them in the first place. But I suppose that is an unrealistic assumption. I find that sad.
Whether affirmed in this thread or not, the "norm" is that, once you're sleeping together, you are in an exclusive relationship. The only exception would be, if you are just f*** buddies, and have agreed to that sort of arrangement.
I have made no bones about it in other threads, that I won't be in a relationship that isn't exploring relationship by developing intimacy, both sexual and emotional. You can't be intimate with more than one other person at a time, and sex, without feelings, is a pretty empty experience. So is a relationship without sex. So, for me, and for most, the answer to the OP is "yes". | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/13/2007 10:35:31 PM | If you are dating someone, or in this case, many, one should have this "exclusive/committed" conversation during your dating period, and especially prior to sleeping with someone, so that you know what your options are before it happens. If the person's priorities are elsewhere, meaning their standards are not the same as yours, chances are you are not going to be on the same page with this issue, and then that decision is left with you on whether to roll the dice and take that chance and sleep with that person, hoping the odds are in your favor that they will chose you exclusively and be committed to you solely, or not. Everyone's personal outlook on the subject is going to be different as it will depend on what everyone is looking for during their "dating" stages. To me, dating is dating, and no commitment has been made until it has been established between you both that there is more involved, meaning a commitment, the actual words, exclusive, meaning I don't want to be with anyone else but you! Yes, in the older days, one would assume, yes there's that nasty little words again, that once you cross a barrier and into the world of sex, that a committment has been made. Well, now days it just doesn't seem to be the case anymore! Now days, people expect to have sex on the first date basically replacing the first kiss scenrio! It's alarming actually! And then people are left wondering as to committment and exclusiveness as they feel that "well we slept together" must have meant something! Hmmmmmmmmm well yes it meant something alright...lol, but not what answers you were seeking! The only way to know if you are exclusive with each other or have a committment to each other is to discuss it prior to making any moves towards the bedroom, or wherever (for sake of argument). Once trust is estalished in a committed relationship, spending time with friends etc., won't be an issue or give cause to whether or not you are committed to each other. It will be known to you. Plain and simple. Honestly, if you have to ask, then you know the answer already.
All my best to you. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 3:54:40 AM |
Yes, in the older days, one would assume, yes there's that nasty little words again, that once you cross a barrier and into the world of sex, that a committment has been made. Well, now days it just doesn't seem to be the case anymore! Now days, people expect to have sex on the first date basically replacing the first kiss scenrio! It's alarming actually! And then people are left wondering as to committment and exclusiveness as they feel that "well we slept together" must have meant something! Hmmmmmmmmm well yes it meant something alright...lol, but not what answers you were seeking! The only way to know if you are exclusive with each other or have a committment to each other is to discuss it prior to making any moves towards the bedroom, or wherever (for sake of argument).
It is a subjective question, I suppose, but I suggest that the "norm" is, in my experience and in the experience of everyone I know, that a sexually intimate relationship is exclusive. I see a "hint" in your response, though, why it might be different for you. It would seem that you may be one of those "friends first", who wants to "date" for some extended period first. Men who will put up with that paradigm, would be foolish not to date others simultaneously, "playing the game" your way, because an insistence on "dating first", means some extended period of the man being made to feel that he isn't "special" to you, and that he has to "earn" your approval. So, sexuality is a "goal", rather than an expression of deep feelings of attraction.
For me, I wouldn't be attracted to a woman, who, in her 40s wanted to follow the same timeline that she did at 16, so when I "date" someone, it is someone I am deeply attracted to physically and emotionally, and when we meet IRL, if all goes well, we will both want to be sexual. So, for me, dating is an outgrowth of a singular period of time, getting to know one woman, and it becoming sexual, makes it "complete" and singular. POF may give a different impression, but the reality, for me, has been that "less is more", and being with one "right one" is far more satisfying than trying to "juggle" several, who aren't. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 6:53:52 AM |
Never assume anything...just because your beliefs regarding sex with another imply a committed relationship does not mean your partner holds the same set of beliefs...this is where communication comes in, preferably before you both engage in sex
This is another one of those threads, that is confusing to answer in a blanket statement that covers every situation, but where in the real world, it's pretty obvious. If you're really into each other, and sex is an expression of a singular, strong attraction, the "assumption" is valid. If it's just casual sex, then it's something different. Most people, in most situations, know what it is, and very rarely are people pursuing different paradigms in the real world, once they're grown ups. It's part of life wisdom, really. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 7:20:09 AM | | Well I can't speak for others but I prefer to date just one guy at a time..all the rest will just have to wait...I prefer to see..... in what direction my relationship is going and if it is a lasting one.......I have never been one to date many guys at a time...,but I know many un-serious people who...have much fun with it...and love the idea of being wanted by many..I prefer to have one special guy in my life for long term... | |
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| Assumed Commitment
Posted: 8/14/2007 9:09:38 AM | | On the other hand, nothing says "commitment" than Schadenfreudian, Jr., in the oven. | |
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| Assumed Commitment: The Lord and Lady of rings etc
Posted: 8/14/2007 9:27:47 AM | Commitment comes not with the exchange of bodily fluids (with or w/o condom) but with the exchange of rings ("precious", lol) or small viles of blood (see Billy Bob and Angelina)!!! Not the Indian way (cut hands and join wounds, yikes, too risky)  | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 9:30:04 AM | Can you look the father above in the face who's just informed you that you aren't bound in any way but are totally at liberty and totally forgiven for your vow and reply to him this way, "Well dad, what you say doesn't really make a shit - my obligations remain - the way i look at it." Would he not answer in the words of the prophet, ' "Let every man be a liar and potentates true" including you and your faulty perception of vows and whether they are binding'.
Well then it doesn't matter, where your obligations are concerned, whether or not you had sex if she or you was ineligable, otherwise it still doesn't matter until the father of the damsel demonstrates his consent, with the obvious exception of a widow who hasn't moved back home. That having been said, it still doesn't give her the option of ever "knowing" anyone else - she certainly cannot without being guilty of having played the whore. If you need the evidence of these things - i've got it in plentiful supply! | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 9:47:26 AM |
Whether affirmed in this thread or not, the "norm" is that, once you're sleeping together, you are in an exclusive relationship. The only exception would be, if you are just f*** buddies, and have agreed to that sort of arrangement.
That "norm" may apply to you as that's how you feel about it...but there are plenty of examples in the forums, and in the real world, where this "norm" doesn't apply to people. If people are going to discuss just being FWBs then they should also discuss being exclusive or not - before they get horizontal, IMO...That leaves no room for doubt, or assumptions - which are generally incorrect anyway, for either person. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 10:48:39 AM | MeloFelo:
Firstly, you know nothing about me and there is no hint, suggestion or otherwise in my response stating that I want to be “friends first” or that I am following any time-line at 40 something that I did when I was 16! You tend to over analyze things and/or take things out of context and twist them to fit your needs; and, in this particular blurb of mine that you have chosen to comment on is not stating “my preference” to the subject but merely a statement as to the populous and/or masses, period!
With all due respect, sir, perhaps you need to clean your glasses. I did however state that now days verses older days that people, in general, the masses, the populous (again no where stating MYSELF or my personal preference) tend to date numerous people at one time and I merely made a comment to the OP suggesting that prior to jumping into bed with someone, “one” should have a conversation about exclusiveness and/or commitment. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 12:30:24 PM |
Firstly, you know nothing about me and there is no hint, suggestion or otherwise in my response stating that I want to be “friends first” or that I am following any time-line at 40 something that I did when I was 16!
If I misinterpreted your message #107, then I apologize. Reading it then, and reading it again, still seems to me that you have a "gradual" approach to "working towards a relationship" that rises out of "some period of dating". However, it's really not important to the topic, and it isn't necessarry that you and I understand each other.
In an overall sense, this is another of those threads that is somewhat frustrating. 95% of the time, people are on the same page in a relationship. The people involved know what the ambience of things is between them, if they are sexual. It's either casual, or deeply romantic. Some people are deceivers, of course, but to those people, it wouldn't matter if they claimed to be committed, or not. They'd still sleep with others, if so inclined, and one hopes that his/her ability to sniff out the players and deceivers is somewhat developed, by the time he/she hits 40. Still, there are no guarantees in life.
So, rather than "argue" with anyone, I will only say how it is with me, how it has been during the 8 years since my divorce, while noting that my experience parallels that of others I know, and with whom I am involved. Simply, if a woman and I become lovers, in the context of romantic involvement, exchanging the words appropriate to making love, before, during and after; I assume, and would expect her to assume, that we are in an exclusive relationship. | |
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| Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 8/14/2007 4:03:53 PM |
So speaking from my experiences most women in the 40-60 range that I've met are cougars. That's my take on it
Krissy, I am willing to bet that the men you meet know that going in. If it's "casual" on both sides, fine. You both know that. I think the point of the thread is, if you seem to be working towards an actual relationship, once you have sex, does that usually make it exclusive. In most cases, I think it does, but nothing in life is "guaranteed". | |
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