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 MeloFelo
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 175
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?Page 8 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

as long as two people are honest and upfront with each other, no one has the right to dictate who and where and when and how many partners one should have or shouldn't have...that is for me to decide, and no one should assume anything just because I've slept with them or not.


Yet another topic that is relatively simple in the real world of dating, that becomes overly complex in the fora.

Of course, no one can "dictate" who you sleep with, etc,, and there are all sorts of "relationships" out there. If one, for example, is in an "alternative lifestyle" that embraces multiple partners, NO ONE would expect there to be a committment with sex.

On the other hand, if two people are seeing each other almost every night, talking on the phone and exchanging email throughout the day, one doesn't need a "contract" written by lawyers, and witnessed by friends, to believe that the relationship is exclusive.

Most people, in the real world, know the difference between casual sex, and sex within the context of expressing love for each other, and most people know what the other person believes to be true, based on the context.

That being said, it's not a matter of "force of law", but there are basic "social conventions" that most people "understand", without it being overly complicated.
 Schadenfreudian
Joined: 7/5/2007
Msg: 176
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:55:28 AM
^^^^ Good! Screw the rules and do what you want, since what you want to do eventually becomes the rules.
 yokefellow2
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 177
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2007 12:20:02 PM
You are very much correct. Sex is the tie that binds. That is when dating ends and relationship starts. If a person has sex with you but does not want to be exclusive they are not worth it. Period. This type of person is self-centered and hard hearted. Now dont get me wrong, you can agree to this kind of situation, that is totally up to you. But personally, having a f**kbuddy is not having a real relationship. Besides, it always hurts in the end. Why put yourself through the pain for a little pleasure? I would rather wait for the one who feels the same as I do.
 Tigi73
Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 178
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2007 12:25:14 PM
Depends................sex and making love are very different.

If it's sex there is no commitment, not in my eyes anyway.

Now making love............................hmm I'll update on that later!
 jstarky
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 179
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:34:00 PM
NFPEXEC---hey unfortunately i cant email you but i must say that besides being stunning what you've written in forums and on your profile really caught my attention. you sound artculate, fun and intelligent and i'd love to know more.
say hello i'm 29 and live in midtown manhattan
 ~curlygirl~
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 180
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:53:33 PM
OP, there are many levels which you might call "dating"...ranging from seeing someone casually to exclusive monogamy. to add further complication, some people are into the polyamorous or open-relationship thing as well. so, unless you've talked to the person you're dating and defined your relationship specifically, you should never assume anything.
 TikkiQueen
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 181
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 7/18/2008 5:56:48 PM
Okay, maybe not the same thing but.... Have dated a few people who, like me, made it plain that this is NOT yet a relationship until we say so! Yeah so the next thing you know its, "if we're sleeping with someone else we're gonna say so." Um what? If this is not a relationship then you don't have that right, and if you WANT that right then maybe we need to be talking about whether this is a relationship!

Mind you, I wasn't sleeping with anyone else, but the point is, either you in it or you aint.
 WearRed
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 182
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:01:51 AM
Wrong assumption... Sex is sex, commitment is a different thing.
I think the best policy in relationship matters is never assume anything...
 cuddlelicious
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 183
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:30:32 AM

For me, yes. If I'm dating several people and I decide to be with one of them physically, I've decided to be with that person and will stop seeing the others.

Having sex with more than one partner or several is dangerous, and some people think it's also pretty wrong.


I agree with nikky.

I have been seeing someone intimately. I hid my profile after the second date. Because I like him and dont want to see anyone else right now. Not even on an innocent dinner or movie.

I always feel that there seems to be some kind of confussion or distrust when I tell men that I am or had been dating with a number of men at the same time. I dont understand why the assumption that I am having sex with all of them, because I am not. I guess that I worry too much about what they think.

...........or is it projection?
 Shari67
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 184
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:37:07 AM
Never assume anything in a relationship unless the 2 of you have actually had a face to face conversation about where things stand. Just because 2 people become intimate, it doesn't mean that both are viewing the relationship the same way.

While many people see intimacy as a form of commitment, others see it only as a physical act and still continue to see others.

Commitment can't just be assumed. For myself, if someone refuses to talk openly about the status of the relationship and I am left to simply "assume" I will assume they are still actively pursuing others. In which case, the intimacy would have to end because my health and my life are more important than physical gratification.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 185
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:47:56 AM
Women are taught that unless the man specifically asks to be exclusive.. they as a couple are not exclusive.

I do believe there was a good chance that she was only intimate with you sexually.. most women don't like multiple sexual partners they just are not wired that way.

I dated two men earlier this year.. a first for me.. One I was very romantic with.. the other was just a friend who wanted some female companionship. The romantic guy had told me that when he dates he only dates one woman at a time.. that is fine for him.. but he did not want to delete his profile from this dating site. To me, he was still looking for something better.. so why not me too.. So I went out with another guy while we were involved.

So I think the next time you meet a special lady and want to make it exclusive you should talk about it.
 zestyvirginia
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 186
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 11:50:31 AM
Sex is like drinking a glass of water ,,,It is much too common and anything that is common has no self worth,,,So, the answer to your question """NO""""{they just go on to another bed.}
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 187
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:06:01 PM
Boy this is another one that responses are all over the board and that scares me. LOL

You dont have sex and assume your exclusive. Your just having sex. What are you people thinking?

Your need to you know... (rolls eyes...) COMMUNICATE and express your wishes and be very clear that you expect an exclusive relationship if thats what your expecting and maybe like... (long sigh...) try that BEFORE the sex if thats a key for you. Sorry but I have had sex with women that were not interested in an exclusive relationship. They wanted to have sex. And I can't believe so many men and women here are agreeing and assuming that sex means your exclusive now. That takes "the talk" where you guys both sit down and TALK about your feelings and agree to be exclusive... I dont want to be with someone having sex with multiple partners. But thats also not to say that in my life I have not also had sex just for the pure joy of sex and both knew that was all this was about either.

There seems to be a HUGE communication problem happening in some of you folks relationships. Sex is not a commitment in and of itself. Do NOT give out sex thinking you "closed the deal" ladies ! Sit down and ask for the exclusive relationship first. Threads like this just blow me away.

I cant believe so many are thinking that sex closed the deal and made them exclusive automaticaly. HELLO ??? Learn to talk with your mouths instead of listening to what the man is saying with his weiner. Weiners lie. (wink)

Very scary !

Cheers

Cowboy
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 188
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:34:37 PM
You started to treat her as a F**U**C**K Buddy. Without a ring, she fits this description. You are not a one-night stand, or a hook-up. You are a F Buddy. The way you treated her is an indication of this. You say you no longer date her. You have lost respect for her. You said that you are still "good friends". Do her a favor. Let go of the friendship. It will not serve her well with the next guy.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 189
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:49:26 PM

Dating is new to me, so bear with me. I'm a newly divorced man 41 yrs. old. Dated a girl who was really nice for a while and things got intimate. I considered us an exclusive couple, until she was asked out by a long lost friend. She didn't cheat on me but let me know that she would still date other guys because we weren't engaged. She also made it a point to inform me that she doesn't have sex with these guys. Only to me whom she considered special. We are no longer a couple but are good friends - so there is no ill feelings towards each other. But I always "assumed" that dating ends when sex starts. Others have told me that there is even an implied commitment on the second date? and others even state the no sex before marriage thing - and still a commitment not to date others? What do u think?

Perhaps there was a time where certain things could be assumed when you involve yourself in dating, but those days are long behind us. All the proof you'd ever need to quantify that, would be scattered and littered throughout every page of these forums.

When I was younger, things were a lot different. It was quite common to "assume" that after the 2nd or 3rd date, that you were now "seriously dating" or even "going steady". After sexual contact, this was now a "committed relationship". It was implied from both parties. Things just seemed so much simpler then lol.

Nowadays, nothing can be assumed or implied when it comes to relationships. If anything still is, 99% of the time it's gonna lead to bitter feelings, resentment, or at the very least, a post on the forums about it

This is why open and direct communication between two people is so paramount in today's age. If you wanna know where you stand, you need to talk about it. If you wanna know where this is going, talk about it. Talk about what you'd like to see, and what they would like to see. Assuming anything is just gonna unravel your fabric before your eyes. Though back in the day, certain things could be assumed liberally and without need for concern, this no longer applies. Just because you have dated someone a few times, or even had sex with them...nothing can be taken for granted now.

The landscape changed so much, even as recent as less than a decade ago. With my ex fiancee, about 8 years ago, we talked a lot through IM and finally met. She invited me back to her home at the end of the night, we kissed, and the next day we were suddenly a "couple". We both implied it. We both assumed it. Though neither one of us said "So you wanna be my boyfriend/girlfriend?". That wouldn't work today.

Everything changed. Brush up on communication skills, because you're gonna need them if you expect to get anywhere with someone these days.

 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 190
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:49:34 PM
smileee: Get a grip babe. Now without a ring (according to you ) anyone messing around is a phuck buddy?

For the love of gawd... The deranged people on here giving advice is very scary.

News flash..... Sex is important enough to me that I am not giving out a ring until I know we are compatible in the bedroom too. Sorry but I think thats important enough in a strong relationship that I am not commiting a ring until I know that part of the relationship is solid alos. I may get beaten up in the forums over this but at least I am honest.

You need to be exclusive and working on a long term relationship. I'll buy that puppy but.... A ring? Sorry sweetie... That dog wont hunt. Sorry.

Cowboy
 KarmaCameleon
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 191
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:49:39 PM
Apparantly after nearly 6 months of "being" with someone they can just drop you. Me thinks I was a f***buddy withoutout even knowing it Seeing each other every weekend and going to a family wedding - where was the clue?

Well, it was the communication issue. We nevr had a "are we together?" conversation and I just assumed that because we were sleeping together for about 6 months we were!

My advice, and policy, from here on in is to COMMUNICATE, saves the heart ache big style!
 nicegirl4love
Joined: 10/26/2007
Msg: 192
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Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:53:59 PM
A lot of my friends come to me with this same situation to see what I think. When I say "well, what did HE/SHE say about it when you asked them" I usually get a variation of "Oh i'm not comfortable bringing it up with them" OMG! hahahah you'll let a dude INSIDE you but you won't ASK HIM A FEW QUESTIONS FIRST??? are you even kidding me??? hahahahaha

sorry that sounds snotty, I know, but I'm always astounded by what people WILL do without batting an eye, and what they're NOT ok with doing...you know.. talking!! I think if people stumble into things without establishing some agreed-upon ground rules FIRST, then whatever happens is fair ball - no one can cry about it, no one can feel taken advantage of. If you ASK and they answer and it's what you want too, then go for it. If not...well duh!

My absolute FAVOURITE story is a friend of mine, telling me this story over coffee, and I"m NOT exaggerating I swear "Amanda, this guy I've been banging, he tells me he won't be my boyfriend, he says he'll never love me, he says he won't introduce me to his friends, he'll just drop by and if i'm available we can have sex, but otherwise not to bother him... WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANS BY THIS??" she said that!!! but the real zinger was "Do you think that means he's afraid of commitment??" WOW! I'm on such a rant right now, sorry LOL. But when that all blew up I was SO on HIS side, he could not have been more honest!
 Little blue star
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 193
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 12:57:19 PM
It still boggles my mind that people have sex and don't bother communicating to each other what the sex means.
I mean, sex can be a huge significant thing... or just a fun, affectionate playtime, but whatever it is you have to know you're on the same page, because if you have no communication on what the sex means you'll just go home afterwards and torture yourself thinking about it.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 194
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:03:02 PM

But I always "assumed" that dating ends when sex starts. Others have told me that there is even an implied commitment on the second date? and others even state the no sex before marriage thing - and still a commitment not to date others? What do u think?


1. Never assume anything.

2. Sex is sex. Unless there's discussion or communication - nothing is implied nor understood. There is no binding obligation that follows the act. On either party. Jesus people! Do you have contracts tucked in your panties or are you just thinking you did?

3. "implied committment on the 2nd date" - wow. I've violated a bunch of committments then.

4. What I think is irrelevent unless you're dating me - which you aren't. You need to discuss all of these really excellent topics with the person you are dating and WHOMEVER you are sleeping with.

5. It doesn't make any difference if it's sex or making love. Those are labels for the emotional content YOU put upon the act. Doesn't alter what the act is or the results are except within you. And no one else knows that before, during and after unless you're shouting at the ceiling "Oh my god, I freaking LOVE YOU and want no one but you for the rest of my life!"

Chances are good in this day and age if you shout that?
Somebody's going home - soon.
 OneMoreTimeWithFeeling
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 195
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:05:02 PM

Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?


Gosh I hope not!! Never assume anything! I would run the other way if after having sex with someone one time they said "are we committed to each other now". That's the difference between MOST men and women. Women have sex to get love. Men don't. I'm very much like a guy when it comes to sex.
 My Wishes
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 196
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2008 1:28:16 PM
I am not the best "thinker" in the world... but I will share with you that , in my perfect world, if I ever have another "love" in my life, I will be comfortable discussing these things with that person.e
It seems to me that the troubles start when we assume another person is going to be like us.

Even under the ideal circumstances where we Will talk to each other about what we hope to have come out of our relationship , and what our feelings and ideas are about being committed and exclusive..people change ...people lie...things like that are possible... but if we never even discuss it - then we can simply misunderstand.
Some people these days do not consider to have sex as being a big deal , so they would not understand why we thought it meant we were exclusive just because we did have sex.
I don't want to get hurt so I am going to try and be open and forthcoming as i move along the path of life with someone now.
Good luck! Hope this was helpful to you in some way!
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