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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/25/2007 9:34:23 PM | | When a person can't find ANYONE then the answer almost always lies closer to home. | |
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jeh3
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Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 127 | |
| Giving Up
Posted: 8/25/2007 11:06:05 PM | Back at the beginning of this we were asked "What do men want?"
In a woman I want: a good friend, a (great) lover, a partner for life's adventures, someone I can have a conversation with about ANYTHING .... ongoing dialogs seeking to understand each other's views, someone trustworthy... words and actions matching pretty darn closely, non-parental, non-critical, non-judgmental, non-run-away-from-conflict.
A woman who has taken care of herself physically, if that means a few extra pounds at our age that's fine ... but she should be healthy, not a type two diabetic. I hike, bike, lift weights, and am still pretty active outdoors and in ... and enjoy sharing that with a special woman.
Emotionally she should be able to access and share her emotions appropriately. I just stopped seeing a really neat woman I had dated for a month or two because she would scream at me because she was mad at her sister, her ex, her clients, her blah blah blah ... she had some anger over 50 years old. She was jealous for no reason, and a moderate control freak ... I'd rather read.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION skills ... she doesn't have to be on staff at Jimmy Carter's peace center in Atlanta, but she needs to know how to work through "stuff" cause there's always going to be stuff in a relationship ... chores, sex, religion, children or grandchildren issues, finances, communication styles, hobbies and outside interests, other friends, priorities ... (What does "On-time" mean to you?) Guilt trips and slamming doors is not working thru stuff, it's destructive ... listening and speaking from your heart build trust and enhance love.
Mentally, pretty sharp and up on current events. There's a very important election coming up and we ought to be able to discuss that and make a difference ... cribbage ... continuing education ... read a newspaper ... opinions, she must have opinions.
Hobbies ... mine are photography, tropical fish, and fiction writing. She should have some too ...
Down time: car trips, movies, dining out, theater, cuddling ... conversation.
Friends, true friends, not enablers, of both sexes ... I've got em, and she can't have mine ... she ought to have some of her own.
Did I mention great sex ... sex is areal need in men of all ages, so great sex on a regular basis is critical. On the Today Show a while back there was a woman who wrote a book called "Men Are Easy," in it she said men have only three needs: sex, food and appreciation. I'd love to live that way!!
I should find her attractive: sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally ... and enjoy spending time with her.
Having said all of this, I'm not looking for a PhD, runway model, nymphomaniac ... but I am looking for a woman who takes care of herself in a lot of different ways and will share her life with me. On a scale of 1-10, I'd love to meet a good six, seven, or eight in most all of these categories that thought I was sort of cute and wanted to take turns cooking. | |
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lulu8
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Joined: 8/2/2007
Msg: 128 | |
| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 4:04:43 AM | im on the verge of giving up on a guy i like, see him often,given him the come on , done everything to let him see im interested, im 99%sure that he likes me too , but still no sign of him asking me out, he's separated and as far as l know hes on his own too! i feel like im banging my head against a wall with this one , it drives me nuts!!
lu | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 7:15:31 AM | | So why don't you just walk up to him and ask him out? Save having to repair the wall. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 10:43:07 AM |
When a person can't find ANYONE then the answer almost always lies closer to home.
Dreadstalker, were you referring to me? I hope not, because you have not been in my dating shoes. You have not heard the things that have come out of men's mouths while on a date. You have not been a party to my experiences, so how would you know that it's more my own issues than the guys I've dated?
I think when someone takes that stance it is a cop out. You have no answer, so it's much easier to blame the person having trouble or getting irritated with the whole thing.
I could have been in a relationship by now with a number of men who wanted to continue dating me. I've chosen not to because I'm picky and know the warning signs. According to you that means I have problems....I sure am glad I depend on myself for my self esteem and not you. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 12:25:30 PM | If you took it personally then I am sure that there was a reason in your mind that you CHOOSE to do so. Not my problem.
However if you are familiar at all with my posting history you would find that if it was directed at you then you wouldn't have any question about it. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 12:53:21 PM |  I think guys have no idea what they want from past experience, maybe from where i live. I have never been treated as badly as i have here by men. they have no clue what they want. I'm madly in love with someone, who has no clue. I'be told him, but he'd rather blow me off. And in a few months he'll be calling me again? what's up with that? don't guys know what they want???????? | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 12:58:42 PM | what eva guess u ARE 'confused' as u said as u said GIVING UP in ur headline
THEN in ur thread asked men to respond to u so which is it respond or givin up?
whateva
Y NO PICTURE? u gotta have that
WE ALL DO
I went on ONE date where he had no pix
I WILL NEVA DO IT AGAIN
Im no queen to look at but most of us believe that its only FAIR that we ALL have pix on here RECENT ONES or its an uneven playing field
sorry but u gotta get ur power back love u and be patient yea its nice to have someone but its not the 'endall' if u DONT
take care and good luck | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 1:15:01 PM | Well please don't give up. As you can see by my profile I am in your "age" bracket and I have only been on fish a little while and I have met several really great guys.
I go out with them and we have a great time. Maybe you just need to relax and not project a sense of need or urgency. Most men I know can feel that or sense it - maybe men have radar for that kind of thing.
What I think first of all is that you have to be comfortable with yourself - do not NEED a man to tell you that you are attractive, smarty, witty, etc. And why wait for a man to ask you out - ask him out. And when you are out together - try and listen to him and get an idea of how he is feeling by his body language. If there is something wrong or he is uncomfortable and you can sense it - open up your mouth and ASK him. Talking is the best way to find out what is wrong or what is going wrong and the best way to correct it. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 1:55:41 PM | | I too just want give up . i do reply to the ladys that are interseted but sometimes no takers so whats i guy to do.i know that i not all woman are the same just not men are the not same. so i guess it more to do with not settling for whats there .but what do i know i am just a guy thats has good heart ,mind and values.so keep your chin up and have fun in life | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 3:39:19 PM | I'm with you girl. I have been surfing the net looking for a mate for 2 years also. Maybe that's the magically number before you decide, that daily rejection just isn't for you. I am an intelligent, humorous female who can hold a conversation. I've even tried the not so good looking guys with the same lack of response. I'm not sure where all these guys go, but apparently into a big black hole somewhere! I hope they're all having a good time together. In the meantime, I'm gonna just take a little "me" time, and maybe once my self esteem is back up - try again!
Keep your chin up! It's not you - it's them. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 9:25:00 PM | | Boy do I know where you are coming from. I too have been on lots of sites, the correspondance last about as long as smoke in a windstorm. Frankly I don't think there is a decent honest man in the world. I have been propositioned (at 70 yrs old), been sent nude pictures, lied to. Met a man on this site, helped pick out "our" cabin cruiser we were to live on in FL for the winter, traveled to TN, stayed on the boat, in his home even nursed him thru a bout of pneumonia. He didn't eve have the guts to break off with me personally, just simple quit calling or contacting me. Said we had no future as he had melanoma. Yeah, right, he was on this site today finding his new sucker I guess. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/26/2007 10:23:03 PM | snowflake.. sometimes you just have to be grateful that you dodged a bullet and move on.....\There are decent men in the world.....the good ones can't be all gone...some of just need to kiss more toads I guess..
Is there a prize for Champion Toad Kisser? | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/30/2007 8:07:40 AM | | well, you just need to know that its not you, 1st. you seem like a great catch.but something is freaking them out. like may they have a low self esteim. or maybe you need to date colder men,lol | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 8/30/2007 10:43:04 PM | There's an awful lot of negativity strewn through out this sad little thread, and I think that's the biggest problem for the majority who aren't having any luck here. Though I met my sig other on a different personals site, the fact is that we met on a personals site and we're still hanging in here a year and a half later.
What I see occurring is that too many seem to have really high expectations and continue to talk about "not settling." Well, here's a newsflash for some of you: GET READY TO SETTLE A LITTLE. lol.
And another thing, lower your expectations about fifty percent, and then maybe lower them another 25. When you're done, you'll be somewhere around realistic.
Try approaching this whole dating thing as an adventure, which hopefully your life is as well. Don't have so much invested in whether or not Mr. Right/Ms. Right gets found tomorrow. Enjoy the ride and the journey. Be a FUN person. Be open, giving, honest, and real and don't demand that you get that back. Just enjoy putting that out there. Now I didn't say put out, ladies and gentlemen. I said put loving, sincere VIBES out there. That doesn't mean give your body away quickly. Reserve that for when you sincerely want to give it when the time is right and you know beyond any doubt that what you're giving is valued and visa versa; otherwise you cheapen something meaningful and tend to truly grow emotionally numb to physical intimacy, which really should be something special shared with a few.
Before I met the guy I'm to be engaged to, I did the dating site thing and have had some interesting experiences. None of those guys were "the one," but they did provide me with a lot of growth experiences and some memorable moments. I don't regret any of it. Enjoy the journey. I am.
The man I love, who is my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, ain't perfect. He's got an awful lotta flaws but then again so do I. What's pretty neat is that I'm finding that he's slowly becoming more and more perfect for me the more we work on our relationship and stick it out, despite the bumps in the road that often send us reeling. This finding, dating, and attempting a relationship stuff isn't easy, but damn it's real, and it's raw, gritty, and mind-numbing at times too. I wouldn't miss a moment of it for the world, and I hope none of you do either. Good luck, everyone!  | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/1/2007 6:47:33 PM | Dreadstalker...... | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:27:15 PM | | That's impressive. And your next trick? | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/1/2007 7:46:06 PM | Umm okay you people dont have a Pity party too long.Im 45 and have never been in a long relationship well like a couple weeks but it wasnt serious.Anyway a year is about what it takes to get over a long relationship youve never heard of the 1 year rule.Youve put your tentacles in someone and now there out so those holes take time to heal.
Think of people who have never had anyone ever. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/1/2007 11:35:05 PM |
And another thing, lower your expectations about fifty percent, and then maybe lower them another 25. When you're done, you'll be somewhere around realistic.
I think that, in many cases, this would not be wise. If you check the posting history on a lot of the not-willing-to-settle folks, you'll find they've dated some real winners and are trying to pull themselves up. It's not about day-to-day quirks, it's about alcoholism, infidelity and even abuse. They should be setting their standards higher. It's entirely appropriate and healthy.
Having said that, I think we need to consider the disturbing possibility that if we're past 35, especially past 40, the good ones may very well be taken, at least for the most part. After all, people who have the skills to choose the right mate and hold it together are doing just that. They're a large chunk of the 50% (actually slightly more) of marriages that are not ending.
I also think we need to consider the possibility that we ourselves aren't all that wonderful. Those of us whose marriage fell apart may be guilty of more than "poor choices" and "incompatibility". We may have crappy communication skills. We may be first-class enablers. We may, without knowing it, be emotionally abusive, like using low-blow tactics in high-conflict situations or being unnecessarily critical. We may, in other words, need serious therapy.
Don't get me wrong. If you check my profile, you'll find that my username isn't kidding. I'm aware of my deficits, and not enough of a jerk to inflict them on anyone else.
I am also aware of the deficits of large chunks of the RL single population because they're impossible to avoid. The real world is unpleasantly rife with game-players, playas, golddiggers, men who want women who are at least 15 years younger than they are, men who think women in my situation are so desperate they'll put up with anything, men who want arm candy, and men who would pass me pee-pee pictures if they could. I'm assuming that the dating pool for men is just as bad.
I don't think the solution is settling, though. I think folks underestimate the number of dangerous people in the over-35 dating population. Then again, all of my cool exes are happily married, and no I didn't dump them, they dumped me. As I said, I have some deficits, but the good men I know found good mates and stayed married to them. They aren't single now.
I just wasn't one of the good ones, and that's not fishing for pity, it's stating a fact. I can even identify what I was doing wrong at the time. Too late now, but it's good to know. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/1/2007 11:46:50 PM |
And another thing, lower your expectations about fifty percent, and then maybe lower them another 25. When you're done, you'll be somewhere around realistic.
After reading some of the requirements on many of the profiles I would say that is pretty accurate.
Nothing wrong with not settling if your expectations are realistic .Trouble is, too many of the unrealistic ones see the advice about not settling and think that it applies to them. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/2/2007 12:14:00 AM |
Trouble is, too many of the unrealistic ones see the advice about not settling and think that it applies to them.
That says something about them, though, that you need to know.
After all, do you really want a woman who won't settle for anyone who makes less than seven figures? Even if you're currently making seven figures, crap happens, and if it does, there goes the honeymoon! | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/2/2007 5:11:23 AM | | sounds like you give up pretty easily, dating was never meant to be easy, at any age, it takes patience, we all have to weed through a lof of bad ones or ones that are not a good fit before we get to right one | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/2/2007 5:51:22 AM | Don't give up! I ,like you,have been on many different dating sites trying to find that special someone in my life. After 6 years of being single (I became a widow in 2001) I have finally found someone who I love and that loves me. So,keep up the faith and know there is someone out there. It just takes time and kissing a lot of toads til you find your prince. BTW, I am 45. Good Luck!!   | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/2/2007 7:43:32 PM | My next trick will be.....................
top that!
ps. I'm not aware of your history because I haven't read it. | |
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| Giving Up
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:31:43 PM | Those of you who wish to give up might wish to consider a few things. This site and others like it are merely a tool for you to use in your search. It is not possible for this site to completely replace your meat world contacts.
Heck stick around for the forums for awhile before you go back to dating. Some of these posters are pretty funny . ^^
Especially the ones who take themselves so seriously and think that they are important, or that people take them as important.
The internal dynamics of this place is just a killer sometimes. | |
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