auraa
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Joined: 10/25/2007
Msg: 76 | |
| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 7:21:35 AM | Hi Peter im a widowed mother, my hubby passed away 2 yrs june of cancer , if you want to get intouch as we have alot in common and may be able to support eachother in this difficult time.
We find ourselves out in the big single world.
take care
Sue  | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 10:51:03 AM |
A REAL man plows through tragedy and puts his family first above ALL ELSE. A person with a pen!s merely writes a sob story looking for sympathy to excuse his selfish wants!!
I'm confused, Fairmont. I mean, what are you saying... it's okay to have a social life and go out to activities but not okay to go to a movie on a date? Do you really think the kids can distinguish the difference between a parent going to the show with a "friend" versus a "date"? Dating doesn't necessarily mean bringing someone new home on a regular basis... dating doesn't necessarily mean staying overnight at your "date's"... dating doesn't necessarily mean anything to the kids at all.
My cousin is very happy that his mother started dating when he was four years old (his biological father died in a car accident when his mother was pregnant with him) --- she met and married my uncle... without her dating, it never would have led to "Dan" having a father, uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins who really and truly love him. How is that wrong? Dan went from having one person who loves him to having dozens who love him.
ALL parents should put their children first above all else. That is possible without the parent remaining alone forever. And before that last sentence gets questioned... I have been in a room full of a few hundred people (including my children) and still been completely and totally alone, Fairmont. The relationship you have with a spouse is a completely and totally different one from that which you have with your child.
Sorry, Fairmont, but I completely and totally disagree with you that a widower (and I will extend that to include myself - a widow) shouldn't date. And really, I can say the sky is pink over and over again but, you won't believe me unless I can provide you with something to back it up. So, stating that
he should have friends and socialize, just don't date! doesn't make me believe you unless you can state your reasons for believing it. What happened to make you so vehement in that belief? | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 12:22:19 PM | Why would bringing someone home with you be a "goal" in dating??? What happened to going out and enjoying someones company? I will have to agree that if someone is ok with single parents going out with friends then it's just crazy that someone would be so against a single parent dating. It's the SAME thing. Just because you are dating someone doesn't mean you are shacking up with them or rattling the bed frame. And even if your "date" was to come over to the house how the F would the kid know it was anything different unless the parent is a total tool and doing inappropriate things in front of the child?
I have male friends that come over and hang out all the time. Heck, I have a male roommate!! And when my boyfriend comes over we act no differently in front of my daughter as I do with my friends or roommate. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 1:02:40 PM | Are we in high school?? I think most of us are way past googly eyes and holding hands! I am seriously trying to think if my man and I have EVER held each others hands.......nope, too busy holding our childrens hands!!
And yes, the ultimate goal is marriage but I would say that it wouldn't be even a thought until YEARS into a relationship. Like you've said time and time again.....people need to get to know each other before getting really involved. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 2:04:21 PM | Hi Peter, Im new to this site and your post touched me . I am sorry for ur sad loss and my heart goes out to your boys.
I was widowed 3 and a half years ago , not through illness as harrowing as your wifes but through my husbands suicide.
I have 2 young daughters, one who barely had a chance to know her daddy and another whos heart was broken by his passing.
Personally i dont think there is a right or wrong thing to do you must decide for yourself when the time feels right for you to try and move on. No one can tell u whens right. u will know in your heart if and when u are ready.
I always feel that now I am a mother, sister and daughter and would perhaps like that special kind of loving again which exists between two people. Never would I try to replace my husband or substitute him in any way however ... life goes on and as u and i know can be short.
I am not looking for a father for my children ... just company and those wee things i miss.
People say times a great healer , yes it is in certain respects but remember no matter how much time passes you will always have your bad days, weeks, you wouldnt be normal if you didnt.
Cherish your memories no one can take them away from you and your boys. They are precious.
xx | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 8:52:14 PM | Peter,
I just re-read your original post and feel as though I missed the real issue behind your question... if I'm wrong, don't hesitate to let me know that. I'm wondering if you are more asking about the risk of dating -- that is, becoming close with another woman and risking losing someone again. I can certainly understand... I am a widow, but I am also an RN and palliative care is one of my favourite areas to work in. I've seen what you've experienced from a personal view and a professional one and it is agonizing to watch someone you love going through the process of dying.
That risk is a little daunting. I don't fear rejection, I fear attachment. But, I have to think of it like this... I had fourteen years of happiness, love and contentment before the agony. I hope that when the time comes, I won't let fear hold me back and I'll be willing to risk it to find contentment again.
I wish you and your children well. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/23/2008 9:30:42 PM | Peter,
First and foremost, this post is NOT inappropriate in any way, shape, or form. In my opinion.
Second, You are not a horrible person AT ALL! I went through a situation with my best friend and her husband. He passed away March 26th, 2006. I went through the whole thing with her and her husband, being there with her holding both their hands when he passed away, I felt that feeling again while reading your blog. Yes, he was not my husband, but he was a true close friend and my best friend's husband, and going through that with her was absolutely indescribable. I respect your post. No, he didn't have cancer, he had other issues, but the point is I think every single person grieves differently. My friend had said she'd never date again, her social life was over, etc... A month later, she asked... Did I think she'd ever date again? I knew she would, and only time would tell. All the questions after you lose a loved one as to what is correct or not are so hard! I totally respect that you took the time and let yourself loose to post this.
What I think I am trying to say is, you need to do what you feel is right. Key word is YOU. My friend started dating about 9 months later, and just last month moved in with her new fiance. Some thought it was fast, others such as me were so happy for her to see her move on with her life. You'll never forget your wife, you'll never stop loving her or missing her. But you can go on living your life and still have her in your heart. And if you meet the right woman, she'll respect that, and share that with you.
Good luck, you're a brave strong man! | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/30/2008 2:24:15 PM | | I gave my advice which I guess if you don't have small children( which view death differently than an adult) you wouldn't get it! I have held the hand of a dying person and regardless he will always have beautiful memories of his wife. What is evil about that?? | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 1/31/2008 11:35:23 AM | | losing someone close to me 4 weeks ago, i would say you need to give yourself time and try and talk to the children about their mum, i know its not easy i have a son with special needs and he is haveing trouble coming to terms with things. she will allways be around you and still loves you very much and all though it does not seem like it now but time does help you to deal with things in a different and better way. Take care bren | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/26/2008 9:50:04 AM | Definately not a horrible person - just an all too human person.
Like the rest of us, we all want Love in our lives, especially that special kind, and we all need to be held/touched. Life as we all know is much too short, I'm glad you've chosen to live it, and hope you find that Special Someone to share it with in the near future.
All the best | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:17:43 PM | | Hi Peter im so sorry for your loss of you beloved wife and the childrens mother.and if i were still married and i died i would want the man who i loved most in the world to be happy.and i would want him to get a suitable person to be in my childrens lives .and i think if you turn it around and think if it was you that had gone or was going how would you feel?would you have wanted your wife to be alone forever...you have all had a great amount of pain and loss.i think anyone would agree your due some happiness my sweet.god bless you all .xxTake care Debsx | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/26/2008 6:41:59 PM | | Dear Peter, reading what you worte about your wife brought tears to my eyes. I can't say I know how u feel because i don't but u wanting to see other women is ok . just make sure you keep your sons in the picture too. by letting them know that whomever u date will not take mommies place but help them if they need it. God Bless you and your Sons! | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/26/2008 8:36:03 PM | Peter,
I am so sorry for your loss I do however have something to add...
One of my best girls (the one who got my butt to stay in the seat every thursday at church service) died a few years ago... stage 4 lung cancer . while on her death bed un benoticed to me she TOLD her husband to date again after she passed... and she thought the best person for the job would be ME!!!! Now I know he was grieving... and I also know as a Christian he adored me.... but I always knew just like I yelled in the mirror that night at EVA;s "Linda what were u thinking" Yes I am a good christian and yes he was a good man.... but trust me it all will come to you eventully....I am a aGREAT woman who got ignored by her husband so I left.... now a dat doesn't pass without ppl telling me how great I am... but I know it's ALL IN HIS TIME!!!! not ours...you may find cheap comfort... but truley look for what you TRULEY want FOREVER.... cause even tho It may not last that long it will on your heart....
I truley hope you recover....
Juanita | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/28/2008 10:10:02 AM | Wow, my heart bleeds for you right now, I could feel your pain, but I really can't imagine to what extent your pain exists. I have lost those close to me, and watched my grandmother die, but not my significant other, I am so sorry for you. No I don't think its wrong for you to want to move on. My question though is are you and your boys ready for someone new in your hearts? Maybe the boys might be a little resentful against a new woman coming into the house. I wish you all the luck in the world, and i will say a prayer for you. I hope you meet someone loving enough to open her heart and soul to those boys. I know i am a single mother and I am finding it quite hard to find a man that will step up to the plate to be a father figure for my daughter.
wish you all the best, drop me a line sometime and lets chat, you can find me at steeves_michelle at yahoo.
bye for now,
shelley | |
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tcd511
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Joined: 9/23/2008
Msg: 91 | |
| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/28/2008 3:33:12 PM | I know exactly where you are. We were told the chemo was not working and there were no other options and given 6 months. 3 weeks after stopping chemo she died. I struggle with myself over the whole how to carry on, whats appropriate and all kinds of things. I wish I could offer something up for you other than I completely understand where you are. I hope I learn something to from your post that will help all of us.
-----///\\-----Please
----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---account If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who Died
------///\-----Of
-----///\\\----Cancer
----///--\\\-----Or whom maybe suffering from it
---///----\\\------OR A SURVIVOR!! | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/28/2008 10:27:39 PM | Hello Pete,
I have a son named Pete. Your wife's passing was my fatherless son's 1st birthday. Ides of March. I understand your grief. My husband didn't "physically die" but ....anyway we can save that for another time. I'm a single mom of 4 small boys. I'd love to lend an ear. Most of us just really need good frieds during this time. I'd love to be a fried to you.
God Bless,
Stac
artsiejavagirl on pof
a r t s i e j a v a g i r l @ y a h o o | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/30/2008 7:42:23 AM | Hi Peter,
You are not wrong for wanting to date again. When you have dreams and plans for the future...watching them quickly vanish unannounced can take the very life out of you as well. Your heart is with your wife. That really is true love. It is strange trying to move forward with even the thought of another woman when you feel as though you should still be with your wife. These feelings are normal. Hard, yes. But very normal. The previous comment was right....your wife would want you to be happy. Though you are grieving now your heart is taking its time to heal. This is a healthy stage emotionally so that when you do meet the right woman..you will be emotionally ready not only to be there for her but for yourself as well. Your character in this situation has placed you above so many others who could possibly never stomach the strength you showed. Your wife knew that and so do your boys. I wish more could hear your story. Tough as it was and is....its can inspire so many to rise up and be strong. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/30/2008 9:12:52 AM | | the best ad vice anyone can give you is your take care of your kids because you may want a companion but your kids still want mommy,me being a single father of two ,you now have to date with your children in mind (is this person not only good for me but is she good for my kids)think of who was there for you at the worst times(your wife)take it slow | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 9/30/2008 9:41:07 AM | Aww Peter, i wouldnt wish it anybody either, i lost my husband also, he went into diabetic ketoacidosis which led to renal failure, watched him go from sick to dead in 2 weeks. I understand the need for companionship, it is normal. I, too, just want to start slow and not rush anything. I have at times wished i could find another widowed person, where we would have a mutual understanding of the depths of hell each other have seen, and maybe be a bright spot in each others lives, but have not met any widowed men.
It takes a lot of more strength and courage than anyone can imagine to pull strength and courage through this, nobody truly understand except another widow or widower.
You are not "horrible" for desiring companionship. Your wife would want you to be happy. Someone said to me after my husband died and i said i would never love again; "when you meet him in heaven, do you want to tell him how miserabke you have been, or slide up to him breathless and say "man ive got stories for you!!!"
Kinda cheesy i know but i got the message of it.
Stay strong and good luck, may you find a beautiful woman who understands what you went through, and can be a source of joy in your life. | |
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