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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 7:05:06 AM | I've been fortunate enough to date 2 men who treated me like gold! Those two I ran from. I can't speak for other women on this site, however I can speak for me. I ran becuase I wasn't ready for the type of relationship that most women I know would kill for. I was so use to dating men that were only half involved (only gave half as much as I did), that to date someone who gave as much, if not more than I did, scared the hell out out of me.
I guarentee, if you keep looking, you'll find the women who is ready for what you have to offer. Unfortunately it takes some women (including myself) a little bit to wake up and realize "Hey! I'm worth being treated like gold! and I'll except nothing less!"
Which I've sence done. However with that being said,make sure that those you date who say they are ready for this (being the way you treat them), are also ready to treat YOU just as well.
Hope this helps! | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 7:26:50 AM | Pure and simple, there IS a difference, between friendship and romantic attraction. Maybe it's just my experience, but the women who have been in my life, are women who were turned on sexually, and responded to me being a dominant male, who wasn't trying to be a "girlfriend", or allowing her to dictate the "terms". I've found that, looking a woman in the eyes, and telling her "I want to **** you" has brought more real "connection", than saying "Is there anything else I can do for you, ma'am?"
Like every other guy, when I was a teenager, I did the whole "trying to earn" a woman's affection and sex by being "good". Life experience has taught me, that I will cherish a woman, because we are lovers, and do things for her, because I want her happiness. Trying to "figure out" what she wants, so she'll "approve" of me, is like trying to get "mommy" say "good boy". Maybe some women want that, but not any woman I would want to be with. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:36:51 AM | [Spelling Lesson:
To - Proposition as in: "I will go to the store."
Too - adverb as in: "I need to go, too." ]
OMG!!!! a spelling lesson?
Its PREPosition not PROP!!!
A proposition is what alot of people are doing on this thread without really saying it! | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:00:25 AM |
A proposition is what alot of people are doing on this thread without really saying it!
Speaking of that, Rita, and after looking at your profile, if I were anwhere near Vancouver.............. :) | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:36:24 AM |
Pure and simple, there IS a difference, between friendship and romantic attraction. Maybe it's just my experience, but the women who have been in my life, are women who were turned on sexually, and responded to me being a dominant male, who wasn't trying to be a "girlfriend", or allowing her to dictate the "terms".
Mello, what makes you think that being nice or accommodating to a woman makes you less of a man. You sound like a typical 50's Neanderthal who tells his wife to leave the room while he has man talk. I can be nice and not be weak... there is a difference for the rest of us.
I've found that, looking a woman in the eyes, and telling her "I want to **** you" has brought more real "connection", than saying "Is there anything else I can do for you, ma'am?"
So, you’re aggressive sexually. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure there are lots of woman out there who can't wait to get together now. Maybe you can put on an episode of Leave it to Beaver in the background while you spend an aggressive 5 minutes. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:45:12 AM | So, you’re aggressive sexually. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure there are lots of woman out there who can't wait to get together now. Maybe you can put on an episode of Leave it to Beaver in the background while you spend an aggressive 5 minutes.
Why you "resent" me, I haven't a clue. I don't need to appeal to every woman in the world, just one, who is drawn to my type. You're more than welcome to the women, who insist on being "in charge", to the sexually repressed, etc.. There are more than enough of them "out there", and on here.
The thing is, for me, that I will want to do things to bring a woman I cherish some measure of happiness, as gifts freely given, if we're lovers. It's not based on a codependant notion, that I can be such a "nice guy" that I'll create a dependency, and then she'll "want" me. That dynamic, I think, is what lies beneath a man, who presents that he's a "nice guy", but it's weakness, fear, and insecurity that is hiding behind his being "nice". If you "give", expecting to "earn" her affections, it's dysfunctional, and not attractive to a woman, who is in touch with her own center.
I'm sure that you will find a woman, with whom you are well matched, based on being "nice" with each other. For me, that overly "nice" dynamic lacks the things I am looking for in a relationship. That's not to say that I'm not courteous, respectful, and caring. It DOES mean, that the woman I want in an intense and intimate relationship, is responding to her libido, as I am to mine, more than it's about how well I do as a sycophant. If we're having great sex, then I'll want to take the extra steps to do unexpected nice things, because I want her to be happy, because I cherish her, not because I'm afraid she won't "like" me as I am. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 10:00:59 AM |
I'm sure that you will find a woman, with whom you are well matched, based on being "nice" with each other. For me, that overly "nice" dynamic lacks the things I am looking for in a relationship. That's not to say that I'm not courteous, respectful, and caring. It DOES mean, that the woman I want in an intense and intimate relationship, is responding to her libido, as I am to mine, more than it's about how well I do as a sycophant.
First I'm not looking for my well matched women.
Apparently you're a nice guy afterall... I stand corrected. | |
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Deni30
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Joined: 5/29/2007
Msg: 259 | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 7:40:09 PM | MeloFelo
It DOES mean, that the woman I want in an intense and intimate relationship, is responding to her libido, as I am to mine, more than it's about how well I do as a sycophant. If we're having great sex, then I'll want to take the extra steps to do unexpected nice things, because I want her to be happy, because I cherish her, not because I'm afraid she won't "like" me as I am.
I am with you 100%. I have always felt that way.
Yet, I find that in practice, if you are generous and "nice" to a woman, even in that enlightened, unconditional, looking-for-nothing way, unless you are extremely fortunate to have that one-in-a-million enlightened babe, she will think you are trying to buy or manipulate her (that sycophant you mentioned), lose respect for you, consider you a wuss, feel no attraction, and kick you to the very unwelcoming and uncomfortable curb.
I sense from your postings that you are mature enough, wise enough and manly enough to walk that fine line. All YOU need is to find that gal.
Like the rest of us.
The whole thing comes down to that unconscious, physical/emotional thing called "attraction." I doubt that you have any problems there.
There are many youngsters on these forums who have been brain-washed into believing all that "nice-guy" stuff, not knowing that it places them in the "Friend zone" or the "wuss" category. Think of it, guys, when you are kissing her butt, what do you expect her to think? "He's after something." And know what? She's usually right, if you get honest with yourself.
I am NOT saying to be a jerk or an arrogant a**hole, but just be yourself, a man, and don't put up with her crap.
I know from experience that when you do that, she loses respect for you, loses her attraction to you, and for every time that you change your plans for her, and do what SHE wants, instead of what you want, even if you do it out of love, and not out of insecurity, she will build a dossier detailing all the times that you were a wuss and did not stand up to her. She can't help it.
This is the voice of experience talking, guys, not some theory from a psych major's text-book.
This is WHY WOMEN DUMP MEN WHO ARE NICE TO THEM.
You can be a gentleman, and you can still maintain your dignity. You can be "nice" and still tell her "no" once in a while. You can give her a gift once in a while, when you think she really deserves one, not to get on her good side, but because you love her, and she earned it, and she will give YOU something that you really need - respect, loyalty, love.
I'm at the age when I have finally remembered everything that I once knew, and seen the errors of my ways, but I think I'd just as soon have a talking frog.
And my self-respect. And I no longer give a rat's azz if a woman is too stupid to see that I am being very positive and calls me negative. Actually, she probably isn't stupid. Most humans are not. Just inexperienced.
We all learn, day by day. Over and over, until it sticks.
Guys, think about what I said; relax and digest it, and you'll know I am telling you true.
Why? Because you are guys, and you KNOW these things, when you trust your gut and your intuition, and stop listening to the advice of women. Women advise women.
And they do it well.
BTW, Have you heard about Bubba?
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
Shrinks are OK if you NEED one. You don't need one if you can trust yourself. And a good shrink would be the first to tell you that.
Much Love,
Peace out. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 7:59:13 PM |
I find that in practice, if you are generous and "nice" to a woman, even in that enlightened, unconditional, looking-for-nothing way, unless you are extremely fortunate to have that one-in-a-million enlightened babe, she will think you are trying to buy or manipulate her (that sycophant you mentioned), lose respect for you, consider you a wuss, feel no attraction, and kick you to the very unwelcoming and uncomfortable curb.
I don't disagree with you, but I don't totally agree either. Maybe it's being the father of daughters, that the "fine line" isn't so hard to see for me.
If you do things for a woman, and your motivation is her happiness, and it's not about any level of "expectation" or a response to fear at any level, that is part of love. For example, women really like getting flowers. For most guys, flowers don't "make sense", but most of us know that women like flowers. Guys who take flowers on a first date are, to me, pathetic. Guys who get flowers, so she won't be mad at him, likewise, are "giving to get". Guys who give flowers, because they just got laid for the first time, and want to do it again, have an agenda. If, though, everything is fine, and just on a whim, you stop into a florist and pick up flower "for no reason" and bring them to her, her smile and happiness is a really cool thing, that brings me vicarious joy. No "agenda", no "suspicion", and no expectation of anything in particular. That kind of "nice" makes her feel good, and me feel good, and it's part of loving someone.
Another example, in my last relationship, she loved the opera. I'm a heterosexual male, who was born in the United States, so, therefore, there are few things I would less like to do than go to the opera. She knew that. She would never have "demanded" that we go to the opera. I knew that going would bring her happiness, though. So, on her birthday, I surprised her, and took her. My "expectation" was that she would be happy, and she was. That kind of "nice", also, was a good part of love.
I will say this, though. If there are any "barriers" between you, then "nice" beyond normal courtesy and consideration, sets a very bad precedent, and often has the opposite from intended effect. If you aren't sleeping together, don't buy flowers, candy, or do "dream dates". She'll be "suspicious" and you'll be frustrated. Keep it up, and she'll be gone, because you aren't doing it "for her", you're working an agenda, out of fear and weakness. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:01:38 PM | | I would love to find a nice man. I dont much care about looks as I do the attitude....but he'd have to be clean......someone filthy would be just to yucky....eeeewwwww! | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:04:51 PM | | The love of my lifetime was this beautifully nice, gentle and warm guy.....always so precious to me....always......but outside of my arms.....he was this strong powerful jerk that took no shit from anyone at all whatsoever.......I met him at 14.......so I accepted everything about him ...everything. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:10:05 PM |
The love of my lifetime was this beautifully nice, gentle and warm guy.....always so precious to me....always......but outside of my arms.....he was this strong powerful jerk that took no shit from anyone at all whatsoever.......I met him at 14.......so I accepted everything about him ...everything
Mary Jane, it sounds like he cherished you, and that you gave him validation for feeling accepted and secure with your feelings. That gave him the freedom to "take care" of you and your feelings.
This thread, I think, is about some guys, who were whining about "nice guys finishing last", in the early parts of seeking a relationship, before it is a mutually affirming and validating relationship. I think we all want to be in a relationship, that arrives at the state you're talking about, where we are totally free to shower a woman with love, "just because", and not for any other reason. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:45:06 PM | | women dump men who are too nice too soon. It's not nice to be too familiar, too nice, to accommodating before you get to know that special someone. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:57:37 PM | It sounds like you were "into" her, but she was not "into" you. You can be nice and do all the wonderful things a man wants to do for his lady love, but if she does not feel the same way about you....it's fruitless.
On the flip side, if she isn't she shouldn't lead the man on. I'm not saying this was your situation, but it happens.
You will find her!!! Remain positive and BELIEVE!!! And please do not let this experience get the best of you and not allow someone to get close to you.
Best,
 | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:17:39 PM | Hi MeloFelo,
How are you. I appreciate your comments. Indeed a man should be allowed to be a man, yet that means the need in the requirement for a woman to be a woman, regardless of the relationship and timing in one's life.
Women, you can't disagree with me on this, absolutely, they search for their Knight in Shining Armour, admitingly or not, they do subconsciously and consciously, yet a man will be as this, if they feel that she is with he and together they can share their animal instincts and be little animals in the garden or wherever........
All men feel like we need to protect and when a woman let's us do that, we are proud and secure. Do not create an argument with this Melofelo as your nickname and comments represents itself well.
To hold and to protect is why we as men are men, yet we can't be ready as a man if we are insecure with relationships that have no foundation for progress, as than, this reciprocates and delivers an abusive environment and for some, it evolves into anger and for opposite sexes, it shapes their opinions and also impacts their outlook in relationships as they go forward. In other words, some women and some men, become less trusting and more cautious and close the door to effective communication as a result of experiencing negative environments.
The animal instinct is one entity, women are feelers and nurturers, yet they still require the sensitive and caring entity once the protector and animal hunger has been fulfilled.
Make sense.
Let me know.
PS: I love this forum, some great and constructive theories.
Perry | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:30:16 PM | | I would not even pay attention to a guy who WASN'T A NICE GUY! At my age you are looking for them. You realize that other types are a waste of time. And I don't have alot of time to waste. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:37:12 PM | as for myself what i want is a non bullshitter.....someone that has heart and soul,can protect me,but love me,be a best friend when i need one, and give me my girl time as well....i believe what most women want.... is what men have had for so many years.....time to get equality on a roll..... have a nice day  | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:44:45 PM | | Scottish Warrior you sound like a terrific guy..but sometimes there really is no answer or at least the answer you want to hear....it could just be that she felt no sexual chemistry...simple as that | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 7/2/2007 12:06:42 AM | | I dont think its meant intentionally, i dont believe that any relationship will last if one the feelings are not there and two, compatability just doesnt show its head, someone can be as nice and giving as anything , but i agree, that isnt everything,after seeing someone for awhile, we find out who they are what they are all about,, and sometimes what we think will hopefully work out to long term just doesnt happen it has alot to do with not hiding from what we truely want in life and if your on here to find that then there is a reason, for me, after being with someone that was abusive, i feel i just cant become committed no matter how nice they are,, flowers , gifts , thats all great, but they are material things... they dont make happiness just as money doesnt buy love,.,,. its what we feel in our heart, and im sure any normal person that has to tel someone they really arnt able to continue a relationship for the simple fact thats not what they want , its hard unless of coarse you dont have any concience or feelings,.,, i believe that when we find someone we are compatible with, gifts, niceness what have you,,, well they are irrelevant,,,, your heart will tell you if you can stay with them, if it doesnt.. well you probably dont have one,,,.. just one persons opinion,, but to the nice men,,, dont stop because you feel unappreciated,, your not,,, it does however make it harder to tell someone ,, from another point of view.... that they want out,,, so maybe hold off on the gifts,,, niceness,, well thats just a natural thing,, people like us,, we just cant bring ourselves to not be nice,... thats just reality..... good luckl!!!!! | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 7/2/2007 12:44:31 AM | I love how all these girls are saying "Well, the attraction just isn't there," when, ironically, the fact of the matter is the REASON the attraction isn't there is precisely BECAUSE the guy is nice!
Women aren't attracted to overly nice guys. On a gut, animal level, they just aren't. For psychological and/or evolutionary reasons, they inevitably find themselves drawn more towards jerks and and pricks that ignore them or don't give them the time of day. You see, women want a challenge, they want to feel that the guy is of a status that is higher than them, because this guy in turn would then raise her own status by hooking up with him.
It's a complicated mess of illogical, irrational, social, biological, and status-related factors that make women not "attracted" to nice guys, and more "attracted" to mean guys that are above them in some way. Take it from the great David DeAngelo who says, "Hey, no one said women are logical." | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 7/2/2007 6:53:40 AM |
I love how all these girls are saying "Well, the attraction just isn't there," when, ironically, the fact of the matter is the REASON the attraction isn't there is precisely BECAUSE the guy is nice!
Not exactly true. Either we're not attracted to begin with, or we are attracted and the guy kills the attraction by having no backbone. VERY rarely will a woman become attracted to someone based on their behavior if they aren't already.
Women aren't attracted to overly nice guys. On a gut, animal level, they just aren't. For psychological and/or evolutionary reasons, they inevitably find themselves drawn more towards jerks and and pricks that ignore them or don't give them the time of day. You see, women want a challenge, they want to feel that the guy is of a status that is higher than them, because this guy in turn would then raise her own status by hooking up with him.
Yes, empty superficial women - you're right. Why do you care what works on them? Women of some substance and quality will NOT react positively to arrogance and poor treatment. Your problem here is you're assuming all women are the same. Wrong!
It's a complicated mess of illogical, irrational, social, biological, and status-related factors that make women not "attracted" to nice guys, and more "attracted" to mean guys that are above them in some way. Take it from the great David DeAngelo who says, "Hey, no one said women are logical."
I should have known you were a DD follower, that sounds like something he'd say. It's not that complicated. How about finding out for yourself that some women react in kneejerk to simplistic triggers, and some actually have brains, a good sense of radar and don't have to be in a relationship to feel like they are complete?
Also, "niceness" with an expected payoff is manipulation in disguise. A truly nice person doesn't care if they get anything in return from treating people good. They do it for themselves, not for entitlement. Big difference. You underestimate a lot of women; most of them can smell that a mile away - THAT's what turns us off.
Attraction is attraction. Once we've established we have attraction, a person CAN do things to make us walk away DESPITE the attraction we have. But there can never be a true attraction built based on a person who does all the right things if it wasn't there from the start. Some men like to make a formula out of attraction because they hate the fact that it's unpredictable and they can't control it. The only thing you can control is yourself. Be yourself, get to know someone a bit if they are attracted to you instead of standing on your head to impress her out of insecurity. ONCE WE'VE ESTABLISHED ATTRACTION we like men who are confident, and comfortable to be around. Men who are doing cartwheels to make sure we're paying attention don't really have that type of vibe. | |
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