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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/13/2007 1:25:14 PM | i could turn that question around, I Myself nice person go that extra mile. BUT I tend to go out with or even marry wound up using me like a doormat...I keep looking in the mirror for the words pls. walk all over me. So your not alone | |
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SD226
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 177 | |
| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/14/2007 2:23:14 AM | Just be yourself. You cannot make someone love you by doing lots of things for them.
Anyway its false. I never trust people who are too nice its like they are overcompensating or after something. Its nice to be pleasant but going over the top, is off putting. Just be you, if they dont like it thats their problem. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/14/2007 3:13:18 PM | I find that no matter what guy I date, they are always overbearing in the beginning, gifts, flowers, compliments, but overall unless u are going to remain that way throughout the whole relationship then it is just a show! For me personally, it doesnt have that special something when u tell someone they look good all of the time and chances are that that is not the truth, cause NO ONE looks good all of the time and after awhile it sounds kind of forced and more routine like then just natural.
U need to find that confidence in yourself and just be happy with who u are, cause no one is so special that you need to beg for there attention or affection!!
Guys do all the chasing, let loose and let us drive for a change!!
Happy fishing!!  | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/14/2007 7:10:57 PM | hey i know of countless guys , stay in a relationship , that they are bullied , ect ect , because they deep down inside like to feel they are the man and want to feel needed , i guess that can be said of both sexes , they are afraid to leave the relationship , for fear of the unknown , they may want to test the waters , to see if there is something better before leaving ,
i have met men who **** and complain about there partners , want to get you into bed , but when it comes down to it , will never leave the relationship ,
y do woman dump kind men i have no opinion, because i have yet to find a nice man , oh bar 1 , honest woman here , looking for same . | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 9:32:25 AM | Well, this has been a very busy post. Wish I had time today to read from the start as I'm sure there are so many interest perspectives to consider. So if I'm repeating anyone or missing part of the thread, my apologies until I have time to come back.
One comment that I read by a poster rang true with me in what was insinuated. The gist is that there are different ideas about what a "nice" guy is. I like "nice" guys, prefer them actually, but by my definition of "nice." For instance, I possess a pretty positive, outgoing, confident and engaging personality. So if the version of "nice" is someone who is so quiet that I start to feel self-concious, boisterous and awkward, then that isn't a good "nice " for me. However, a "nice" guy that is the one who knows who he is and respects social graces, that "nice" is exactly the kind of "nice" which I would hope to find. I don't see as attractive the cliche someone who needs to be a badda$$ to prove himself to others, who has to be full throttle all the time just to feel alive, or has no regard for anyone but himself. (I know the types. I'm grateful to say not from too much personal experience.) Further, a guy who thinks he's "nice" but is really just needy isn't what women typically want either. I'm fairly certain all of this is so in reverse too ("nice" girls - although that term is typically used another way).
And the real irony is as often as we hear both men and women say they want "nice" partners, I think there is still a certain attraction some of us have for fixer uppers of all types. (I'm not pointing fingers. I finally caught my own pattern in finding the ones who needed self-esteem boosts and thought if I could help with that, well....) If I had to guess, it's probably our desire to feel triumph over something as much as it is the excitement the badboys and badgirls bring into our otherwise average lives but it tends to backfire. I know I used to believe in the potential I saw in some of my younger-day choices until I caught on that not everyone reaches his/her potential and it's a long wait and a big disappointment in the meantime. What you see really is what you get so my advice to both myself and others is that if it's the same gift in a different package - it's still the same on the inside so always look beyond the exterior and see that inside part. Move on if it's the same thing again - the result won't be different... (I feel guilty only for a moment now, and then lucky like I dodged a bullet when I catch myself slipping into the pattern.) Well, since tone is lacking in a post, I better stop before this really gets heavier and preachier than I mean for it to sound. Meant with a light heart and spirit! Have a wonderful day and enjoy where it takes you.... | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 11:24:07 AM | probably because the vast majority of "nice guys" are really suck-up wussies, who are "FAKE" 'nice guys',
ACTING in a way they think is "nice" because they think it's a good way to con a woman out of her panties..
see, they actually have a goal in mind of doing the nasty with her, but instead of acknowledging that that is a natural urge for a man (and for a woman), they do the fake nice guy act because they "think" that's what women want, and it is more effective to buy their way into her pants with roses, gifts, dinners, wussy suck-up wheedling behavior, etc., etc..
sort of could make sense in a way, but it doesn't work (usually)
be yourself, not fake..Women are very smart and intuitive emotionally, this B.S. fake "nice guy" doesn't often work!! | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 12:42:50 PM | ^^^^^^^^
Yes, unfortunately the approach phine likker speaks of is also the reason we (collectively and individually) get a little more jaded each time it happens. I doubt there's a person in the relationship-world that doesn't realize on some level that humans are wired to be sexual. It's in our nature and the hard part is all the other stuff, really. Nevertheless, social custom being what it is, it's neither appropriate to be too blunt about it nor is it too well received by most women's egos to just start with a proposition. Once people start wanting something at an emotional level, the phoney courtship is hurtful though and yeah, a lot of us can spot it but some can't and it's a slippery slope from there. (No pun intended.) I'd rather a guy catch on to my timing a little bit if all he wants is a "good time" and give me a moment to catch onto his signals and be ready for it, but be otherwise up front about it. If I'm really interested no hearts and flowers would be necessary to seal the deal. (Not implying I indiscriminately sleep around because I don't, but situations happen...) Once he starts connecting to my emotional/intellectual side that's when I maybe pick up more baggage to bring to the guy who wants both facets, not just the physical. But hey, if this stuff went smoothly what would we be posting about then????  Thanks for sharing your points of view. | |
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obijon
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 183 | |
| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 5:17:13 PM | | well, i sat down and read this entire forum/flame war (what the heck, its saturday) and WOW... talk about a sore subject! let me tell you what - i have been called "nice" before and i didnt get angry because i know that even if i buy flowers, pick up the check, or open a door (as my dear departed mother taught me to) , im NOT some kind of passive-agressive wuss. im doing that because i WANT to be nice, its just polite in my book. if the lady finds me attractive, smart, and witty she wont care if i forget to open the car door. and next time we go out, she might get the check. im not trying to be****, its not like i look like brad pitt and can get away with murder - but im comfy with that, cause i know who i am and what i want - go read my profile. after reading all the woo-hoo on this forum, i put in a little disclamer on the end of it so there are no mistakes. guys, if you dont want to be dumped for being "nice", then make dang sure your actions are speaking as loud as your words, dont be two-faced, dont smother, and BE YOUR D**M SELF!!! who knows, she might like it...and you. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 5:57:40 PM | | Many men, who view themselves as being "nice" guys, are actually codependant, and responding out of insecurity and fear. Men are meant to be somewhat "dominant", not looking for their mommies. Women WILL test that, and if you are weak, many will turn you into a "girlfriend", instead of a mate. Relationships between men and women, as part of a relationship, are unlike any other, and just being a "nice" guy isn't going to "turn on" many women, and if the mating instinct isn't engaged, sooner or later, she'll move on. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:16:44 PM | I have to say those women must have deeper issues. I have in the past treated my man like a king and got the same treatement you have.
We both allowed each other space, I worked on the vehicles with him. Mowed the lawn when he had other things to attend to, kept myself trim and healthy we got along great, never argued always discussed and had such a good time canoeing, camping and doing outdoor things together only to be told after six years that he was afraid he might be missing out on something better. Like he was looking for the PERFECT female.
It is extremely unfortunate that when some people have a good thing they dont take care of it. It is now that he has figured out that the perfect person he once had is now gone. It is a pity.
Keep looking and you will find that person that loves you enough to accept all of you and is willing to do her part.
Dancer | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:23:32 PM | I have to agree with you on what you said. Be yourself then there is no problem. You want that special someone to love you for you not what you think she wants.
It is a two way street and all part of being a team. Work together.
Also, an act can only be put on for just so long before the real person begins to start appearing. Wouldn't you rather be comfortable being the real you instead of being something you are not? I would rather know that some one was into me based on who I really was , no surprises or disappointments. Simple | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:27:27 PM | Cyrus982 you said The reason this works is because women are fundamentally stupid. Like dogs, they'll only listen to you and respect you if you beat them and yell at them constantly.
This is not true. I think you have issues that should be attended to. Really. | |
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kensar
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Joined: 7/22/2004
Msg: 189 | |
| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:42:17 PM | | There is a well know truth none of these women will admit, even if it isn't a part of their character. There are an abundance of women who don't want a nice guy, he has to be an abusive guy. Example: And everyone on here knows or heard about this type of women. True Senario: A woman in a relationship gets abused verbally and or physically by her boyfriend/husband, She finally leaves and tells her story to different men she may meet. Then a NICE guy comes along, and gets into a relationship with her and treats her like a queen, nice to her, gives her everything. Then the next thing you know, she dumps him and runs back to Mr. Abusive. End of story. Its probably happened to most guys on here, And it certainly is not an isolated incident. ken | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:01:09 PM | The post about abuse is so off the point, and off the mark, that it's hard to know what to say. Abusive relationships have nothing to do with the natural order, of a dominant male, who is given dominance from a choice, based on trust, that a woman gives him, knowing that he will have her best interests as priority 1. Most women DO NOT want to be abused, but most women do want a man to be a man, someone she trusts to lead, not someone who out of fear and insecurity, is looking for "approval" from a "mommy" substitute.
I am generally described as being a "nice" guy, in the sense that I am courteous, an empathetic listener, and try to treat others as I would hope to be treated. I don't do anything out of some "need" for approval, though. If I do something for a woman, because I care about her, it's because I experience joy in seeing hers, not to curry favor. It's a gift, given in confidence, not approaching her as a supplicant, who feels "unworthy".
The guys I know in real life, who complain that "nice guys finish last", as I hear their stories, I understand that they aren't being "nice". They're trying to deny who they are, and trying to be who they think the woman will approve, and thus "earn" her love. That's not what most women want, and the women who DO want that, are controlling, difficult women, that I wouldn't want any part of. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 10:20:21 PM | The girl who i am friends with when we started chatting to each other she asked me nicely to send her something australian made  being the kind & caring guy i've made myself to be i went out and brought her an aussie made necklace with a blue gem at the end of it in a small kanagaroo as well as a plushie kangaroo that sings a short version of Waltzing Matilda
A week later we chatted online again and she told me the necklace i sent was real pretty by coincidence the gem matched her eye colour i was hoping she would take a hint that i wanted to be her bf but sadly that didnt happen
The guy she is seeing at the moment hasnt given her anything in terms of a necklace or something so im just hoping the next time she looks at the necklace i sent her she'll remember that i went completely out of my way to send her something even though we had only been friends for a week | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 10:29:54 PM | | If you gave her a gift, because you cared about her, and wanted to bring her some happiness, then you should feel good that you did. If you gave it to her, because you expected that it would "earn" her affection, then you have issues that you need to deal with. You can't "buy" a woman's affection. You can't "earn" it. No one "deserves" the affection of someone else, because he gives her "stuff". If you think like that, then you are insecure, afraid no one will "want" you, unless you give her "things", and if you find someone who responds to that, you'll live to regret it. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/16/2007 10:38:28 PM | I gave her the gift so she knew that someone cared about her and wanted to bring some happiness into her life  thats why i did it not to know she was gonna see it as an act of kindness and react diferently | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/17/2007 2:20:20 AM | No you gave her the gift because you wanted something from her. You did not do it out of an act of kindness otherwise you would not be so put out as you were in your first post that she went back to this guy . You go on to talk about how he never bought her gifts , but you did and yet she didn't want you.
You were trying to buy her with gifts . Why don't you try to get a woman to like you for you instead of buying her expensive things after only talking for a week and not even meeting.You go on to talk about how you went so out of your way to do something nice for her hoping she would be your girlfriend.
When someone is really a nice person they don't expect anything from others out of their kind acts like you did . They just do things out of the goodness of their hearts. When you do something nice for someone you don't bitterly complain about it to everyone ,letting them know about the nice things you do , and how others don't appreciate the nice things you do for them . Boasting is not a nice thing. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/20/2007 2:43:51 AM | I've come to think that expressing our feelings towards the other person - in the early stages - is like a dance for which no one knows the steps. If a man (or woman) is too nice, too convinced, too soon it may overpower the other person whose feelings are not yet as strong/obvious to them making them feel anxious, incapable to relax and feel the same. A little like a "Deer in the headlights".
My only frustration in this respect has been guys who express a lot of positive thoughts towards women - how much they like her, etc. - and the minute she expresses one tenth of theirs, it's over. Perhaps women should reply to "I love talking with you, being with you, etc" with "Thank-you" for a few months? The jury is out on that one! | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/20/2007 3:29:40 AM |
I've come to think that expressing our feelings towards the other person - in the early stages - is like a dance for which no one knows the steps. If a man (or woman) is too nice, too convinced, too soon it may overpower the other person whose feelings are not yet as strong/obvious to them making them feel anxious, incapable to relax and feel the same. A little like a "Deer in the headlights".
My only frustration in this respect has been guys who express a lot of positive thoughts towards women - how much they like her, etc. - and the minute she expresses one tenth of theirs, it's over. Perhaps women should reply to "I love talking with you, being with you, etc" with "Thank-you" for a few months? The jury is out on that one!
Courage, I think you had it right in the first sentence. I also think that the simplest definition of a relationship is that the purpose of having one, is the mutual meeting of needs, and so long as two people discover and meet each other's needs, then it has a good chance of working. The thing is, that different people have very different needs.
For me, for example, I don't "need" a relationship. It would be nice to find one, with the right woman, but my "need" isn't to "get approval", so much, that I am going to strategize how to do things. For me, largely, it's "there", or it's not. If it's there, initial attraction is strong and comes early, and if it's not like that, then it's just wasting my time to try to "make it work".
Towards that end, if it isn't reciprocal, I'll withdraw and look elsewhere. So, if a woman is "playing games for a couple of months" by trying to keep me off balance in not expressing an interest from her end, I'll just pull away and move on. "Hard to get", for me, means "not worth it". In fact, it is that whole setup of "hard to get" that can make dating like a "challenge" to some guys, out of a "need" to "get approval" in some way or another, and once they get it, the "game" is over.
Anyway, for me, the relationships that have worked, stated out, with early on expressions of interest on both sides, and with both of us just responding to attraction and growing feelings naturally, without strategy, or reference to unspoken "rules". | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/20/2007 3:36:41 AM | | This is a rhetorical question, right? I laugh when a women chooses the 'Bad Boy' and then wants to crawl back with all their sad tales of mental abuse or worse. Guys have feelings too, and being a 'Plan B' is never an option for many of us. Amazing how the Golden Rule never goes out of fashion. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/20/2007 3:38:13 AM | Don;t feel bad about it. That;s what ALL women that date online do only because they know they are not worth the piss in mudd. Go hang out in a rec center or gym, coffee shop even. You want a girl that can read anyhow. On here, they just looking for a free meal or a place to live and get pregnant.
For sure coffee shops and school is where you meet women worth the time. Don;t waste yourself on these trashy bottom feeders. | |
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| Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 6/20/2007 3:50:39 AM | Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 5/28/2007 1:09:42 AM
I'm so tired of hearing "Nice guys finish last". I have news for you guys, Most guys are nice guys and lots of them finish first. Most women do not want someone who is too needy. It's very hard work to be responsible for someone else's happiness. It is not true that we want men who treat us badly, we want men who treat us nicely but we want men that we feel the same way about as they do about us. Just because some women don't want you doesn't mean no one will. You will have a better chance if you keep your chin up, accept your failures and have a positive outlook. It would be wise to wait and see if your feelings are reciprocated before you get too gushy. I don't mean being cold and withholding affection but just take things nice and slow, get to know her, be attentive but don't crowd her. If she likes you, she'll let you know. Give her a chance to decide if she really likes you, it takes time.Most women have been dumped just as often as you have and some do whine about nice girls finishing last etc. but believe me, those whiners don't win anymore than the men whiners. She didn't want you, so what, someone else might. As was said on Sex and the City " She's just not into you" Part of being a real man (or woman) is being able to take your lumps and get back up again.
I couldn't agree more with this poster! The guys who cannot "get this" will be loosers over and over again! The major cause for being pushed away is SMOTHERING...it is scary when a man comes on too fast.... women run like their hair is on fire when that happens. Never forget we are independent beings.... we also need our space!!!! Compliments are fine but drooling is totally a turn off...
I find too many guys asking women to give up their plans on a moments notice without even asking... hey.. if you have the time today why don't we... XYZ... they think we are just hanging around the telephone, panting and waiting for their call.. then when a man calls it's snap too.. or I'll be gone..(okay be gone.)
'm sorry nice guys, or bad boys all seem to think we are here for them.... I only date the guys who recognize I have a life too and are considerate of that fact... We are not guys little lap dogs,,, and the last thing we need is a lap dog... my chihauhua fills that slot in my life. So quite the whining about being rejected.. and look to yourself.. and if this is a pattern that is not working.. well rewrite the pattern to one that does... that goes both ways...ladies and gentlemen. | |
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