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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/3/2009 3:26:16 PM | | Hey John, not to minimize your feelings of frustration, but, if you read through the forums, there are literally oodles of posts like yours, each one claiming a different reason for their poor success at finding that one true love-it's the other gender's bad behavior, it's too hard at a young age, too hard in the middle age, or, divorced, or as a single parent, or bc they live in a city, or a small town, or, the kind of work they do, or lack of income and on and on ad nauseum. From all of these different banners claiming failure bc of (...), one can logically deduce that these supposed reasons are actually made up glass ceilings supporting one's beliefs in their own unworthiness and inability to succeed at their goals. Why do we not believe more in ourselves? Why do we hate ourselves so much that we won't allow ourselves to succeed, while it is easy to encourage our friends and loved ones to pursue their dreams? What is the source of this fear, the everpresent demon on the shoulder that we listen to when it tells us everything wrong with us, or even worse, externalizes our inabilities and blames everyone and thing else? And, lastly, how can we accept the lil demon, say, 'I hear you', but not buy into such thoughts of limitation and bravely forge ahead!? | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/3/2009 11:49:46 PM | | I hear you. I was married for 8 years and haven't dated in over 10. It is a whole different dating world and I am still trying to figure it out. My ex didn't have much trouble though so it can't be that hard. But of course it seems to be. arrrgghhh. lol. We will figure it out soon enough and someone great will be there when we do. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/4/2009 2:09:29 PM | Hey John, Like so many guys and girls who have already posted, I know where you are coming from! Dating can and was frustrating for me not only in my 30's, but they were in my 20's. Both men and women are having a world of problems in the dating game so you are not alone as you see.
Let me teach you a few things that you may already know. You see John here online you have a lot of perfectionism. Most of the attractive women online get several e-mails per day and when they receive yours it's just another e-mail. The ladies are naturally going to select the guy whom they feel the most attracted to both looks wise and personality (personality being the most important) usually. You have to realize that because of the vast selection of men that women have online you have to really separate yourself from the rest of the pack. Several of the ladies have already gone out with dates from several guys here on POF and other websites and if they go out with you they may just see you (mainly on a sub-conscious level) as just another "nice guy" similar or just like the other guys they had met previously. What happens at this point, is that you are either placed into the let's just be friends category, I am not interested in you category and don't want to be friends, creepy guy category, or some other category all together. The bar is set so high online here (and probably a bit offline) is because you have to compete with guys who are players, married men who are naturally great at attracting women, and guys who could be funnier, more confident, and better looking. Let me tell it's hard to compete with that right? So what do you do or should a guy do? Well, you have many choices. You can work hard and continue improving your profile (lord knows my profile/photos need vast improvement if I were to date again) and market yourself (sell yourself) by learning from guys who know how to sell themselves online. A profile can never be perfect and there is always room for improvement. I know exactly what you mean about e-mailing a lot of ladies online. I use to do the same thing when I was dating and let me tell you it can become rather energy and time consuming. When you run up against a brick wall over and over again you have to either try something different, or change yourself and your tactics.
In essence the problems you are experiencing are probably because you do not have a lot of experience dating like other guys who do. I think once you get more experience and continually improve your confidence, humor, looks (i.e. tan skin white teeth healthy gums immaculate hygiene contact lenses in shape body and not a beer gut), fashion sense (i.e. proper shoes and proper fitting clothes which is a BIG deal with some ladies) and overall masculinity (goes for me as well if I date in the future) your success with women will improve. I will suggest that you try reading material by David Deangelo and/or Dr. Paul Dobransky. (you can google it) There are also forums here on POF on DD for sure. Dr. Paul even runs dating boot camps for men where he takes the guys out too the clubs, bars, malls, and other places in Chicago and teaches them how to attract and socially interact with women where some won't place you into instant friend zone, creepy guy zone, or any other zone you do not want.
If that route is not for you. You could try dating women in the Ukraine, Philippines, South America, or China. I personally know several guys who have dated several women overseas and who are now happily married to them. However, this is expensive and somewhat desperate to me in my mind. This may be perfect for you though and some other guys. You will find the dating game very different in a lot of places overseas because you will have more ladies to choose from and you will have no problems getting dates. Even super ugly guys can get dates in the Ukraine for real. Yes the women usually want me who are financially stable and who treat them well (i.e. not a jerk). You will find many women who are actually looking for love though as well. It is not like Western Society whatsoever. Many of the ladies will not instantly place you into the friend zone or not interested zone.
Some other things you might try are speed dating, lock and key events (highly recommend this one), and meeting ladies through friends. Personally, I think both men and women should be getting more assistance from friends. I was e-mailing some guys here on POF for a lady friend of mine in Florida as an example trying to find some great men to date and make friends with. E-mail me if you need any help. Man I did the online dating thing for over ten years and no your frustrations all too well. I would be happy to help you or any other guys for that matter. I DO NOT recommend joining most expensive offline introduction services. Maybe JustForLunch would be the only one. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/4/2009 2:46:54 PM | "My ex didn't have much trouble though so it can't be that hard."
There's way too many men fighting over few women on this site. That's why it's easy for her and impossible for most of us. Simple law of supply and demand. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/4/2009 5:45:15 PM | | You're not alone. I do all kinds of activities in addition to this online thing, and still don't meet very many men. The last one I met turned out to be married! Yikes! Good thing I asked explicitly before things went anywhere. I do get quite a few messages, but many of them just say "hi." Then I read their profile, and it says something like just checkin out wats avaibale. Sorry, next! Just keep trying, and enjoy yourself in the meantime! | |
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p~s
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Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 56 | |
| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/4/2009 5:45:30 PM | The only thing I find frustrating so far, is finding someone I'm actually mutually attracted to. Yes this might sound like I'm stuck up...I get ribbed all the time by my friends that I'm too picky and I do get asked out but just because I'm in my 30's doesn't mean I have to settle for whatever comes along.
I will continue to be selective because I'm o.k with not settling for just someone to be with, I want passion and genuine affection, if I can't have this then I'd rather be on my own. | |
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p~s
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Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 57 | |
| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/4/2009 6:04:15 PM |
Several of the ladies have already gone out with dates from several guys here on POF and other websites
Now you are just making assumptions and you know what they say about that!
I'm on one dating site, 1! POF. My profile is turned off and there are only two guys I've ever gone out with from here, though I've talked to a few more than that.
We all have different expectations of what we might be attracted to, sometimes we are even surprised by who we are drawn to. You really have a limited view of what a womans expectations are. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/4/2009 9:22:58 PM | | i told my mom i should have an arranged marriage...now I can go to colombia and meet a descent man who has money...i am doing right...but seriously it is frustrating...i am a nic eperson who has morals and values...if i do meet a man who i like he is playing games or acting like an idiot...or men who just want sex...anyways just take each day and good luck | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/5/2009 8:11:00 AM | I hear your plight mate. Im in my 30's now. I have had a fair frew girlfriends in the past, but not from the old 'going on the pull' nights...no that I really go out for that anyway. Ive either met people off here or places like facebook. I guess, at our age in life we do have a few things going on. You can pretty much guarantee by your 30's people will have had :-
A long term relationship
children
Divorced
Just got to 'that' point in their career they wanted to achieve
Trouble is then your in a smallish group of folks who are looking to now find that person to spend life with again. Its like trying to get that exclusive CD only released 500 times, and you are 501 in the queue.
However, as much as I should take my own medicine we shouldnt give up. Personally I re-starting my life. Im trying to find new friends, both male and female, to go out with and socialise with. Why ? Because my friends i've had over the years are all starting to go in different directions. Where 10 years ago being single wouldnt have mattered much (as id be out most nights, if not every night, with my mates) they are now settled, doing the couple things ive done in the past, or bringing up a familly.
It does make it a bit sticky trying to find someone. I agree to, if i do go out, like I did last night, all the girls do seem alot younger. With me feeling a tad old I really dont have the minerals to go chat them up, after all for one of me there are 5 guys younger that im certain they would rather chat to. Again, dont meen im not confident, but hey lets face reality here people huh.
Id say right now try and build friendships more, and more than likely something will come from that. It may take time like one of the guys on here said (2 years was it) but hey, you can learn new things, make new friends, enjoy new experiences and all that will help when you meet 'her'.
I wish you luck fella. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/5/2009 3:55:53 PM | I fell your pain. After being with someone for 10 years I am now single again.
I've only recently decided to get back in the dateing game but what I am seeing is this...
Women who are in there 30's and single tend to be 4 things.
1. Very jaded...
2. A single mother with lot's of Drama in her life
3. A single women who who has a mile long list of who she is looking for which you don't picture into.
4. You don't make enough money for her to date you.
Dating is all about getting your foot in the door. If you be your-self I a firm believer that you will find what you are looking for. It's just getting her to see that your not some guy who is looking for a one night stand or a booty call.
95% of the female POF files I have seen have this one line it it...
If your looking for sex...move on or I am not interested in a Booty call.
Everytime I read this I say to my-self. Not all men want a Botty call or sex..Some of us want to have a relationship with someone..
Keep the faith...All of us who are single want to be loved again. It's just trying to get that other person to give you a chance you you can show them how wonderful you can be. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/5/2009 6:20:45 PM | It was so easy back then when you were still going in university and college. There were plenty of other avenues to meet people when you get older and have other responsibilities in life, your social life becomes stagnant.
For me personally, I am not looking just to date around or just because I'm feeling lonely, no, it was different back then, I was casually dating in the past. Now, I'm looking for something more real and grounded.
The frustrating part is when you're in a relationship when the other party is not being totally honest with you from the beginning. I hate playing guessing games. I rather have someone be upfront and direct when they need to tell me something. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:23:33 PM | Personally, I'm finding dating in my 30's to be a much more positive experience than when I was younger. I suppose it's because I have no big expectations other than to enjoy the experience of meeting interesting new people. If something develops, then that's great. If not, there is no deep disappointment because I have found my own happiness anyway and I get to look forward to the next experience.
I know this will sound very flaky, but I'm going to share it anyway. I have noticed that I get much more attention, both online and in real life, when I'm feeling happy, positive and hopeful then when I have the blues. The reason for this is obvious in real life - of course nobody is going to approach you when you have a sad face - but I find it interesting that my mood seems to correlate to how many men approach me online where there are no tangible clues about my present mood. I'm not talking about responses to emails I send out, but about the number of people who initiate contact.
Guess I'm just suggesting that you focus on finding happiness on your own (because you can't share joy with a partner if you have none of your own in the first place, right? Sorry if that was painfully cheesy!) Maybe the dates will follow, maybe they won't. Won't matter so much then because either way you are happier than you are now :) | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/7/2009 7:45:44 PM | | I can relate to this. I got outta a long term relationship in Feb of 2008. At 34, most of the women close to my age have multiple kids, or they are ready to be married. The youngsters are in abundance, but in most cases they are very immature. Single life is full of games. The days of being w/ a person simply b/c you want too seem to be over. Commitment should be removed from the dictionary. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:53:31 PM | Karlthehermit
Some days I just want to give up and get me a mail-order bride.
Dude, dont buy into that western media stereotyping crap! How insulting to the foreign ladies that you would say just because they are from another country, that they are suddenly labeled "mail order bride". Its bad enough that most of the world sees americans as arrogant, and this is one example of why. What if they said that about guys in america? These ladies are often professionals, nurses, teachers, govt employees. To call them mail order bride is insulting. Its garbage put out by the western media. You;d be siurprised at how many of these ladies dont really want to leave family, friends to come to the US but would only do so for love. We american too often believe our own hype about how everyone wants to come here.
Secondly, going foreign will be the best thing you ever did!! Once you test drive the foreign ladies attitude (not to mention thin & hot looks!!), there's no turning back. TRUST ME! Many like filipinas and latin woman actually prefer older men anyways so its a perfect match. And many countries like the Philippines and even china, (and many latin countries) speak GREAT english and in many cases such as the Philippines, are already familar and comfortable with Western ways and adapt very well. Lastly, most do not have interest in material wealth, only whether a potential husband would love them and treat them well. That wont you get you too far with many Western ladies. This guy puts in best when he said
To a certain degree, Filipinas seem to have a reputation for being sweet, gentle, loving and loyal.
Many (most?) do not have interest in material wealth, only whether a potential husband would love them and treat them well. This alone wont get you too far with a Western lady.
(In my case, Maria could have married at least two different millionaires. She was turned off by their displays of wealth. She thought they might be more interested in their properties and portfolios than in her and future children.)
Three, four of our friends say many American women, at least in the Washington, DC metro area, are focused on the size of a guy's bank account and little else.
Another
<div class="quote"> I have been divorced since '92, and have been on many different dating sites
searching for a decent western woman, not to mention clubbing and so forth. I am
employed at a very large supermarket chain, and there is no shortage of women
there. I have dated some real doozies, and I know for a fact I'm not the only guy to expect a nice night out with a lady, only to be "interviewed" regarding my house, bank account, vehicle, job, and every other earthly possession. These "dates" demanded more info about me than the IRS asks for every April 15th! My Filipina of 2 years tells me that western men are desireable BECAUSE of our qualities.
Most foreign ladies are simply hard-wired differently than American women who grow up somewhat spoiled and undisciplined. Western women feel they are entitled to everything where as foriegners, (esp filipinas for example) tend to appreciate whatever you can do for them. Foreign ladies (latin and asian) don't marry a guy because he is "cute" or "cut" or athletic(I see western ladies always demanding an athletic in shape guy at the top of their demands list) . Priorities between the two are different. Marriage for them is about security, family and faith.
Lastly, the marriage success rates between Western men and Asians (for example) is 80%, much higerh succes than Western/Western marriages at 50%. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:25:20 PM | ref Fading captain
<div class='quote'> Somedays I would give everything to be able to hold my girl tight and tell her I love her, but my social situation and my lack of pick up skills make that scenario very unrealistic right now.
Amen to that too. I have the same problem here in the US. Whenever I go out and try to talk to any descent looking ladies, it seems I have no pick up skills either. I get insulted for even trying to meet a lady. They act all snobby and rude like "get away from me" or "Im too good for you" or even rude enough to laugh in my face. Its pointless. They are only after the 20 to 27 yr old GQ stud party types. Many also assume I am a jerk just because they met me at a bar or club.
But going to other countries, wow, what can I say. The (latin and asian) woman are receptive and polite!! Easy to talk to. No egos or rudeness. God, just look at how many guys are posting here about how down on their luck they are, or how they will be lonely forever. Guys, I know Ive been a broken record in this forum but its because I CARE! I care cause ive been where you are and Im trying to help out with my posts. The sooner you experience foreign ladies, the sooner you will kick yourself in your own ass and say "why didnt I think of this sooner?". Dont take my word for it if you dont want to, Check it out for yourselves , go visit some foreign based dating sites or sites where such topics are discussed by Western men who marry foreign ladies. You will see most western men posting how happy they are when they went foreign. Its a game changer!! These ladies are not only thin and hot (not that ALL men look for that, and not that looks is always so important, but we al lknow men as visual creatures, and lets face reality, unfortunately, in the US, thats hard to find in anyone in their 30's, or even upper 20's now days) , they are completely receptive when they meet you, whether it be online or in their country, or if you want to stay closer to home., even relatively new foreigners recently arrived in the US!! Dont buy that BS line that its because they are poor , want a green card , or desperate. They are lovely sweet ladies with no materialism and great values!! Besides, with many of these ladies, they have lived or seen poverty up close and thus have developed a sense of value and thrift that helps in decision-making in household matters. You can continue to wallow in your misery and woe is me attitude of " Ill never find a woman (or sexy woman) to love me" , or you can go find out for yourselves what I wish I found out so long ago, woman who would absolutely love to know you (not for money reasons, but because Westerners have a good reputation as husbands and family men compared t o their local countrymen) and then tell me what you think after really getting to know them. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/8/2009 12:36:53 PM | Some days I just want to give up and get me a mail-order bride...
If that was a possibility, I would be married to a nice ,thin russian woman!  | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/8/2009 1:06:41 PM | Steve2600,
Excellent posts. Foreign women don't have what I call the "princess syndrome". I would advise american men make time to visit the south pacific, yes I know it's expensive (save up). Oriental women have an almost fanatical dedication to the family and they absolutely take care of their bodies and health. You're severely limiting yourself if you fall for the americanized propaganda that somehow foreign women are inferior or not as enlightened as americans. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/11/2009 6:34:48 PM | I can relate to the frustration. And I can say that having money and a nice house and good job doesn't make it any easier. I suppose that's good as at least the women are rejecting my overtures on something of substance rather than shallow reasons. In a weird way, that's good. (Of course I do have troll similarities so that could be it too.. lol)
I agree with the foreign points brought up. Midwest dating is the worst. All the single women are in their mid-twenties and the 30's women are very picky. I don't blame them either, I am too! But it does make for a lot frustration, no doubt. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:54:44 PM | Somebody suggested to lose some weight.... Seriously, I see that is one of the biggest issues with online dating and guys in general that I know who are single....Guys with T-rex arms, no necks, and huge bellies insisting on gals that take care of themselves | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/13/2009 1:25:00 PM | " It's just when I approach these women I get nothing back at all. It is very complicated, and I've kinda givin up till I have more to offer(bigger salary, house, quit smoking, etc)."
Be careful FadingCaptain. When you put out honey you don't just attact bees, you also attract flies.
Bringing something to the table is a good thing, but you definately don't want to rely on that to attract someone. If they're not initially interested in you without these things you don't want those same ones are when you do acquire them. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/13/2009 1:58:27 PM | so this thread has gone from talking about dating frustration in the 30's to bashing western women and telling people to lose weight. grow up folks.
the gentleman was talking about his frustrations and reading some of the replies, it's easy to see why exactly he is frustrated. yes it is harder for most people in the 30's to find members of the opposite sex but it's not due to people being overweight or things like that. it's simply that by this age people are no longer willing to settle for a partner that ha s a lot of the qualities they are looking for missing. people are more self confident since they are in their professions for a while and have their own homes and lives. if they are going to start their life with someone new they are holding off until they find the right person.
also by this time a lot of people have come out of some really wacky relationships and are very cautious before they start their next serious one.
it takes longer to find someone but when they do find that someone it can be the starting of a very good , long relationship so never give up.
for those telling the gentleman to lose weight, please remember everyone has a different personality. if he is happy with his weight and how he looks that's HIS choice and not yours. worry about your own looks and weight. if you are so vain as to base your choice on his look and weight then he's not right for you. i'm sure there are women that don't need to look at a guys physical assets and are willing to be with a good man because he makes them feel good rather then just looking good.
good luck in your hunt and don't let the negative comments phase you. everyone finds their fish eventually. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:31:56 PM | | 30's is a busy time for sure. What frustrates me more than anything else is the level of maturity. It seems that many men are either stuck in their teen mentality, or jumped right into their 60's. | |
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| Dating frustration in your 30s?
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:35:20 PM | alwaysexpectmiracles , I dunno about that. teen mentality cuts both ways, It's not just the guys I am afraid to say.
But I can say Dating in my 30's has been interesting. Here's why.
Just this past weekend I went to a POF meetup. From what other POF members told me this place was great! My friends and I show up and our host is female and in her late 30's
keep this in mind.
Anway, My buddies and I are sitting at the bar and as we watch people start to walk in all the people are in there 40's and 50's. When I went to go introduce my-self to some of the folks who were there from POF, all of them were at least 7-10 years older then I was and
I am 35. My friends and I were disappointed and felt really out of place there so we all went to go play pool and eat a Denny's.
Unless someone responds to your profile, Its kind of hard to meet someone new if the venue you are at is out of your age range you are looking for.
Internet dating in my 20's was alot easier then in my 30's. | |
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