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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 3:31:13 PM |
I find it funny that a lot of people who are against living with their parents for the dumbest illogical reasons are also the ones who are divorced and were unable to hold a family unit together...maybe the ones who left early and still don't have family ties...pretty irrational thinking to assume that if you still live with your parents you are not worthy of marriage/successful/lacking in education or ambition.Talk to the ones that left and never made by ending up in jail...I guess you forgot about those.But,what do you expect...this is POF!
And I find it funny that people who have never had or raised children can't find it within them to grab a clue about the fact that parents being responsible for their children is supposed to end at some point. Parents are supposed to be able to return to their coupleship at some point, save money for their own retirement, enjoy the privacy they went without for all the years they were raising children, use their savings to enjoy their lives and re-connect in the way that lovers always yearn to do.
I don't think it's the slightest bit "irrational" to be able to view one's parents as people, as a couple and as having a right to get on with their own lives. If anything, I think it's about having some consideration for them and understanding that there comes a time to let them return to being the couple they started out to be.
In fact, it's entirely possible that it's having adult children hanging around and such perpetuation of parental responsibilities that is causing a lot of divorce in the older generation. People just give up on thinking they will ever know what it was like to be able to put their marriages first. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:17:49 PM |
You're assuming all parents are like that and they're not,especially in ethic communities where they value united families and even living together in larger groups...that is also the way they save money,help one another and create a bond that many nuclear families lack promoting so called independence that many times achieves nothing.
I am assuming all parents are like what? That all parents are people?? That the majority of parents started out as 2 people who loved one another, spent time alone together and planned what their lives would be as a couple? The fact that there are cultures who have traditionally accepted that their families would be moving in with them, doesn't change the fundamental fact that they are people with wants, wishes and dreams of their own. Since many of these units are also divorcing and falling apart at the seams, it doesn't seem to me that everyone living in a giant monkey clump is, in any way, superior to the cultures that promote independence.
When an adult child lingers or moves back in with their parents, there are many who take from the parents' finances while storing their own monies away. Over 5, 10 or 20 years, the parents finances dwindle while the adult children's finances grow. That's how younger families end up with an older parent living with them. In many cases, that older parent could have maintained their own independence and autonomy if they had been able to save their own money through the years instead of blowing it on their over-indulged adult child. Moreover, it is often the case that when adult sons move home, it is to have their mother continue to do their laundry, put their meals on the table and clean up after them. I've seen this in a number of situations where good ole Mom just slides back into the same role she was always in.
In cases where the parent is not ill or incapable of handling their own lives, there is no reason for an adult daughter or son to remain at home that isn't about finances or being unwilling to take the reins of their own lives in their hands.
Where I come from, we cared about whether or not our parents had some period of time in their lives to call their own. There is a rather lengthy period between say 40 (when the average parent has finished raising their child to their majority) and 75 or 80, when the parents begin to experience health difficulties. It is natural and right that parents should be able to have that 20 or 30 years to finish in the work force and be able to enjoy a few youthful years of retirement together with0ut their adult children hanging around with their hands out or bringing their children home for the grandparents to raise. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:20:57 PM | OP... this topic is largely cultural.
Personally, I am allergic to family - mine and anyone else's. I find close family ties to be weird, creepy, and suffocating.
I would not date a female who lives with her parents..... so I don't begrudge women who don't want to date men who live at home.
Even in today's politically correct world, men are still seen as the strong half, and the provider.
A dude living at home is neither (by appearances).
I realize that there are extenuating circumstances in life. Like... after divorce, or having just moved to a new part of the country where you have family...
But anyway, just my .02 | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 5:23:34 PM | | My boyfriend was living with his mom when I first met him. I didn't have issue with it. It was actually good for me to get to know his mom and his younger brother better. We now live together a year and a half later. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 5:40:59 PM | Most Italians/Greeks/etc,are actually like that...big families while living together or close and that is their dream...and describing these traditional groups as a giant monkey clump shows your ignorance and why many relationships fail with no traditions/loyalty/integrity.And having lived in Europe I know the value of united families over the failures of promoting independence.Yet,if that's the way you choose to live go ahead and you have the right to be all alone with your Sweetie.
I have read and heard about a lot more marriages failing due to "lack of intimacy", "financial problems" and "inlaw problems" than I have EVER read or heard about marriages failing due to parents promoting independence in their children or alternatively, children letting their parents have some portion of their own lives once they have finished raising them.
What a joke,how about the large percentage of parents who move back in with their kids if they have a heart/soul and prevent them from being victims in nursing homes by people like you who claim they want to be alone...your views are distorted and your ideals only promote disunity...maybe why so many families that follow your philosophies are dysfunctional and have lost the will to care.
40, 45 & 50 year old people don't go to nursing homes.
So what you preach is right,you know how many millions disagree with you and are actually trying to reverse what you say...especially in rural areas where the trend is growing and invited...you want solitude fine...yet it's not all about using each other or interfering...it's what many families want and with a 50% divorce rate your way isn't close to perfect.
Prove that "millions disagree"... I guess you probably don't visit parenting and grandparenting forums but since I am both, I do. If anything, IF ANYTHING... parents are baffled, upset and pissed off about having adult children who couldn't care less about whether or not their parents ever have any part of their lives to themselves. In short, I simply do not believe you.
That's if they want and they are entitled to that,but many want the opposite and rather than live alone they want a close/united family for the memories and being independent is low on the list...in fact many of those couples who remain alone forever with no one caring for them end up dying the same way and check out the Palliative Care Units if that is true or not.
It's the 40 and 50 year old parents who are struggling with adult children who won't leave home while trying to look after their aging parents. It's why we're called the "Sandwich Generation". How you make the leap betweeen a 50 year old parent suddenly being placed in palliative care is beyond me.
Perhaps if you'd been a parent who spent 20 or 25 years of your life investing in your children's lives and expecting that those children would fly, you would have a better grip on what you are talking about. Even Kahlil Gibran wrote:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
It is right that children should become adults and leave home. It is right that parents have years of their lives to go forward. As Kahlil writes: "For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable".
Again I say, parents are PEOPLE too! | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 5:56:34 PM |
If you are living alone then your parents didnt give you a heads up in life.
Are you serious??? My parents gave me everything I needed and then some. I have a great relationship with my parents. When I graduated high school, I was 18, I was an adult and my parents encouraged my to find my own way. If I have EVER needed their help, they are there. When I got divorced my parents offered to send the money for a u-haul to move across country back home if I needed help and to get back on my feet. However I had been accepted into one of the most prestigous private colleges in the south on a full paid scholarship. I would have been stupid to give that up just because my life would be "easier" at home. "Easier" doesn't always mean better. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:04:51 PM |
You know I have been on this site for a month, And I think it's awesome. But as I browse through profiles I seem to encounter a rather strong social taboo.
"Men who live still with their parents."
I mean I find it odd in this day and age that women still, look down on men who live with their parents. And before you ask. Yes, I do live still at my parents. When I was adventuring in the US, when I needed to come back to the homeland, It was at my folks that I lived.
And currently, until I find work that will give me enough so I don't have to choose between rent or food (Good thing I am upgrading my IT skills). I will stay at my parent's place. I am with people I trust, people I can rely on. This is by far no free lunch but it sure beats the hell out of economic uncertainty.
And so, I will explore with you the "Myths" that people have around men who still live with their folks, and I focus on men, since you never seem to encounter that social taboo with women, it is more a gender-biased taboo, aimed at men.
And so, let us look at these myths, more precisely the three more prominent ones.
1) "MEN WHO LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS ARE LAZY AND CANNOT MAKE IT ON THEIR OWN".
That is offensive. For one, no one said that being with your family, made you weak. Not long ago, I'd say, give or take 50-60 years ago, it was not uncommon for three to four generations to live under the same roof. Men lived not only with their parents, but sometimes with their grandparents and even their GREAT-GRANDPARENTS.
What is the difference today? Oh some individualism here, women's lib along the way, not to mention some technological advancements and some market trends there. Somewhere along the way, the family unit, became something of a bother. Families became smaller, and more distant from each other. Men are still expected to be the providers (though that is changing, albeit slowly) but they are expected to have their own appartment or live with a bud that can vanish subito presto.
Now here's a question. Were the farmers and lumberjacks and other trades who followed the European model of the family unit back then lazy? Hell no. You couldn't afford to be lazy back then, and it's just the same now. Many of the people who live with their folks, are smart enough to see the economics of it. Why pay rent on a shitty appartment with outrageous rent when you could help out your parents with the costs of maintance?
Makes sense in some respect. And yet, somehow the stereotype sticks, even though the reason Humanity survived ice-ages and wars was because of a primal instinct to band together. The family/tribe unit.
2) "MEN WHO LIVE WITH THEIR PARENTS ARE MAMA'S BOYS".
How so? Strangely enough, this stereotype has been made popular with many comedies. Seinfeld Character "George Canstanza" comes to mind. And yet, such stereotype isn't necessarely so.
For one, this insinuates that men who live with their parents, have overly nurturing or domineering mothers. Nice going, by supporting the stereotype, you insult a man's family directly. You are not insulting one person. You are insulting three, maybe four people all at once (if they have siblings). And what have these people done to you? Nothing.
People who live together, form tight bonds, granted, but also they do not mean they are weak. No more than you would be weak, than if you are away from people who care about you.
Another point I will bring up, is alot of women are looking for "men to start families" and yet they date men who are "lone rangers". What's wrong with this picture? Wouldn't it be wiser for these women to seek men who have a clue what living as a family unit means? It's not all fun and games you know!! So seeing how he handles day to day living with his folks, should clue you in as to how he would handle a life WITH YOU!!
3) "I DON'T WANT TO DATE A MAN WHO LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS BECAUSE I FEAR HIS FAMILY WILL GET INVOLVED WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP".
AH! That's fair. But the thing is, one needs to understand, his parents were there long before you did come along. You, are just a stranger coming in. When you get involved in a serious relationship, you will eventually meet the guy's family. If you are afraid of him being influenced by his parents, well guess what? You were influenced by how you were raised and how your parents taught you, so is it to say that the gentleman shouldn't date you because of how you are influenced by parents/friends/family/religion/ect? Of course not.
but let me be my own devil's advocate and say that there is the problem of intimicy. Sure the idea of spending some time alone in a home-like enviroment kinda gets cramped if you have your prospect love's mother barging in and interfering with whatever you were doing as a couple.
Of course, so would any roomate. And the truth is, as much as many will think it's sappy, A man who still lives with his parents, just chose to be with roomates with people that he knew since he was born. So as would any roomate, if the gentlemen is unable to make it so you can't have some privacy, I recommend that he takes the money he saved on rent and utils and spend it on some bed and breakfast somewhere and make the privacy issue, a non-issue.
I mean there are ways around this. Heck, makes some week-ends even more interesting.
So in conclusion, let us review the points I wish to make.
- Living with your parents, doesn't mean you are incapable of self-sufficiency. It mean you regard the economics of working as a family unit
- Living with your folks, doesn't mean you're a mama's boy, it means that you are prone to be family-minded.
- Living with your folks, doesn't mean you can't have any privacy. It just means you have to go about it differently.
The bottom line? Discriminating based on that stereotype, can prevent you from meeting possibly a good man, that could provide you with the happiness and security that many women today seek.
I agree wholeheartedly. I thought one's mind, body, spirit, and soul is more important. The reality is there are single adults who live with their parents due to economic circumstances in today's world. It is really tragic, like the author of this post, that this is such a sticking point with many people. Too bad we judge what's on the outside instead of really getting the facts of one's situation. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/27/2009 11:57:55 PM | Well as fr the pivacey aspect. suposingly if your mother barges in while youre banging he shit out of eachother, and hands you a grilled cheese sandwich on a plate lol .or vetter yet finding out that you have a race car bed to have sex in
EDIT: well that's the only possable disadvantage that i can see | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/28/2009 1:59:27 AM |
Again I say, parents are PEOPLE too!
You know Silken, the majority of my neighbors are retired...It's sad watching these elderly people that count the days for Christmas to come along so they can see their kids or grandkids...I have travelled quite a bit through Europe and the Middle East and I can assure you that there is a big difference in well being and lifestyle with the elderly compared to the west, people there are generally happier and healthier...Family closeness is so important to them.,. It’s not rare to find adults still living with their parents. I think the West is paying a huge price for the sake of "independence". | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:52:05 AM | | The reoccuring issue is "independence" and learning how to be a good money manager by paying your own bills etc, which is a valid point. Everyone should pay their own bills, but where you live shouldn't really be a deciding factor on capability to do so. Let's be honest here, the state of the ecomony shows that we are not good at managing our finances regardless of where we are living. The majority of people live off personal loans and credit cards for their everyday expenditure nevermind luxuries that they can well do without, isn't that sponging? That's certainly not living independently/responsibly. I'm a financial advisor and deal with debt on a daily basis. Many of the problems I deal with are down to nothing but sheer greed and lack of control. One of my clients was addicted to internet shopping ... spent 35k a year at one well-known UK department store alone. Ridiculous! I worked hard to get where I am, I did without holidays for years and also many basic necessities at times. Some people should go back and live with their mother until they gain some sense. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/28/2009 6:26:48 AM | In the North America culture it is a taboo for adult men to live at home, but in most European cultures its not.Who is right and who is wrong nobody knows, at the end of the day its up to the individual and the place he resides, if he lives in North America and he lives at home and he's attempting to meet a " western woman" well she's going to think he's a loser, and dating for him will be a challenge unless he meets a woman who shares his views.
Im sure if he lived in Europe and he met a woman and he lives at home, she will be more understanding. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:11:15 AM | | Bandito - The handful of valid points you are making is getting lost underneath your condescending rhetoric. Perhaps if you stopped presenting them in a way that looks like you have an axe to grind and started presenting them in a way that appears to be honestly trying to help, more people might be open to listening to them. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/28/2009 12:42:12 PM |
You know Silken, the majority of my neighbors are retired...It's sad watching these elderly people that count the days for Christmas to come along so they can see their kids or grandkids...I have travelled quite a bit through Europe and the Middle East and I can assure you that there is a big difference in well being and lifestyle with the elderly compared to the west, people there are generally happier and healthier...Family closeness is so important to them.,. It’s not rare to find adults still living with their parents. I think the West is paying a huge price for the sake of "independence".
AA, I can't lay any claim whatsoever to knowing about European or Middle Eastern cultures. If I was to express an opinion about them, it would be entirely speculative on my part and based entirely on hearsay.
Having said that, I am not discussing "elderly" parents here. The only thing I have said about "elderly" or "infirm" parents is that their adult children should be helping them. I am talking about parents who are anywhere from 40 to 60 years of age who spent the years from say, 20 to 40 raising their children. As a parent myself, I feel fairly safe to say that the average low to mid income family spends a great deal raising those children and many a personal sacrifice is made along the way. It is not a sacrifice that a loving, caring parent resents or regrets but rather one that is accepted as being part of the responsibility one assumes when one has children.
I would tend to agree that the Western/American/Canadian culture has a great deal to improve in terms of taking care of our elderly BUT our "elderly" at THIS point in time, were our parents in the 40's, 50's and 60's. My generation, who were primarily raised to be independent once we hit our majority, ARE looking after their elderly parents. AND... we're also looking after our adult children. Again, this is why we are called the "Sandwich" generation. If in fact, the independence had bred a wave of uncaring individuals, this could not be so. It's not even logical.
I shudder to think of what is going to happen when the next generation of over-indulged adult babies who have never had to develop their life muscles to deal with their responsibilities, are suddenly the ones who are "in charge" of looking after their elderly parents. What is going to happen to those of us who have given everything we have to our children (read... adult children), looked after our elderly parents and suddenly, find our own selves at the end of our careers with no savings? And that, is only the financial end of things.
It may very well be that there are a number of retired people aching for the site of their children and grandchildren now but they are not in the 40 to 60 age range. The 40 to 60 age range at this point in time, is so g.d. busy trying to keep both the adult kids and their elderly parents afloat, they are getting no time whatsoever to just be people who are able to have some part of their efforts to themselves.
Just some of my further thoughts on this situation. The men in my age range might very well be at home looking after their elderly parents and I have said that this is a commendable thing. Anything else, in my view... is not commendable. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:47:24 PM |
I shudder to think of what is going to happen when the next generation of over-indulged adult babies who have never had to develop their life muscles to deal with their responsibilities, are suddenly the ones who are "in charge" of looking after their elderly parents. What is going to happen to those of us who have given everything we have to our children (read... adult children), looked after our elderly parents and suddenly, find our own selves at the end of our careers with no savings? And that, is only the financial end of things.
You don't understand how it works to say this. This is an incorrect assumption. You are thinking of an adult child who does not contribute or help out not a contributing part of the extended family. You are mistaking failure to launch with the cultural idea of an extended family. They are very different.
With an extended family, it is different. It is knowing that eventually, me - as mom, will give up my big room for the smaller one with the single bed. Knowing that I am there to help with my grandbabies, to pass on information, to have time. It is knowing that I can jaunt off on a trip and not have to worry about leaving the house for an extended period of time. It is knowing that there is backup. The parent isn't a chump and being taken advantage of. Eventually, the adult child will assume the role.
Honestly, unless you were raised in an extended family, you will never understand it. Nuclear familes tend to be selfish of space and time and money and they also tend to be more concerned about keeping up with each other than to help one another.
Once again, this is a cultural thing. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 2:43:10 PM |
You don't understand how it works to say this. This is an incorrect assumption. You are thinking of an adult child who does not contribute or help out not a contributing part of the extended family. You are mistaking failure to launch with the cultural idea of an extended family. They are very different.
I believe I mentioned that I don't understand other cultures very well... didn't I?
With an extended family, it is different. It is knowing that eventually, me - as mom, will give up my big room for the smaller one with the single bed. Knowing that I am there to help with my grandbabies, to pass on information, to have time. It is knowing that I can jaunt off on a trip and not have to worry about leaving the house for an extended period of time. It is knowing that there is backup. The parent isn't a chump and being taken advantage of. Eventually, the adult child will assume the role.
I appreciate your explanation but I have to wonder where "Dad" falls in all of this. Where is the coupleship of the originating parents in all of this? And why do people need to "live together" to have the advantages of someone checking the house while they're away or helping with their grandchildren? There is no suggestion in my posting that being an independent parent of adult children or a grandparent necessitates that parent or grandparent being inactive in their adult children's lives.
Honestly, unless you were raised in an extended family, you will never understand it. Nuclear familes tend to be selfish of space and time and money and they also tend to be more concerned about keeping up with each other than to help one another.
It's "selfish" to expect your adult children to fly on their own merits, to handle the responsibilities they take on and to have consideration for your own right to get on with your own lives once you've finished raising them???? Or is it a concept of loving them and believing in their ability to handle their lives that is a foreign one?
We are not just talking about cultures that have the belief they should all live together as their mainstay. We are talking about an existing American/Canadian culture that at one time believed that children (even adult children) can't possibly learn to "fly" UNTIL they've learned that certain decisions will lead to X, Y, Z while others will lead to A, B, C... How are they to learn that if they never know the true consequences of their decisions? How are they to develop confidence in themselves if their own parents believe they must continue to "nurture" them and protect them from their own decisions into their 30's and 40's???
I am not criticizing those cultures who choose to keep their extended families living with them but I am suggesting that this is not the American/Canadian way and I am somewhat offended that you would say that loving and believing in our children is a "selfish" thing. I don't see it that way at all. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 2:46:06 PM | I live with my parents at this time. It is probably the biggest challenge I have with dating, besides having standards my closest friends call unrealistic.
Am I lazy? Dependent? A child?
No.
I'm a student, plus I work. Together, I'm busier with these things than a person that is working full-time. I'm working on getting my law degree and I'm putting money away in my savings. Being that I'm close to my family, living at home is able to let me put money away so I can simply buy my own house when I move out. Living at home, I do have a lot of disposable income and I'm looking at buying condos right now, to rent out, just to build up equity. By the time I get my law degree, I'll probably own a number of properties. I'm pretty young, so it's exciting.
But yeah, I've found a lot of girls are eager to play house right off the bat, but I'm not going to drastically cut my savings (which are an investment for my future) because it'll increase my chances at dating. None of these women that think I should are worth that lol. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:01:55 PM | I'm a student, plus I work. Together, I'm busier with these things than a person that is working full-time. I'm working on getting my law degree and I'm putting money away in my savings. Being that I'm close to my family, living at home is able to let me put money away so I can simply buy my own house when I move out. Living at home, I do have a lot of disposable income and I'm looking at buying condos right now, to rent out, just to build up equity. By the time I get my law degree, I'll probably own a number of properties. I'm pretty young, so it's exciting.
I hope you'll forgive my using you as an example of the points I am trying to make. You are 23 years old and have just returned to live with your parents. You have not said whether you are contributing to your parents' income or just living off of theirs. Are you?
You have 3 more years to attend law school and then, a few years before you make a decent living as a novice lawyer. Will you continue to live at home with your parents until you are 27 or 28 years old?
What about your parents' privacy? What about the fact that they should, at this point, be able to chase each other around the dining room table in the nude if they want to? How much of their own savings are going toward supporting you while you save your own money?
If your parents are well-heeled enough to be able to take vacations away or to be unscathed by having to take out of their own pockets for your expenses, that's one thing but most parents are not so fortunate. So I wonder, have you stopped to think about their right to get on with their own lives and to finally, start enjoying the fruits of their labors???
I wonder... | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:25:20 PM |
I hope you'll forgive my using you as an example of the points I am trying to make. You are 23 years old and have just returned to live with your parents. You have not said whether you are contributing to your parents' income or just living off of theirs. Are you?
You have 3 more years to attend law school and then, a few years before you make a decent living as a novice lawyer. Will you continue to live at home with your parents until you are 27 or 28 years old?
What about your parents' privacy? What about the fact that they should, at this point, be able to chase each other around the dining room table in the nude if they want to? How much of their own savings is going toward supporting you while you save your own money?
If your parents are well-heeled enough to be able to take vacations away or to be unscathed by having to take out of their own pockets for your expenses, that's one thing but most parents are not so fortunate. So I wonder, have you stopped to think about their right to get on with their own lives and to finally, start enjoying the fruits of their labors???
I wonder...
I was not living with my parents while working on my degree - my parents actually kept telling me to move back in. They insisted that I do. I didn't ask. I offer to pay for things and they don't let me - they insist it's important that I save up my own money - my investing into buying places right now was their idea. They are quite wealthy and it's not that I feel entitled to it (I don't), but I suppose their point of view is that they're doing fine.
Once I have my law degree, I will not live with my parents - they think I should live with them until I find a girl to move out with. If I do find a girl to move out with before I have my law degree, I'll do that, but otherwise I will be moving out after I get my JD. Of course, if they ever feel they want me to move out, I will.
My younger siblings all live at home - I'm the oldest. They would have no more privacy with me gone than they have with me there. Plus I help do errands and lately I've been helping my mother day-to-day because she's been sick.
You seem to think I came to my parents and asked. I was doing quite well on my own - it was their insistence and months of them convincing me to move back in to help me save money that resulted in this. You seem almost offended and to be honest, rude. You infer things when you don't know the situation. I take no offense that you discussed these issues with me, but I really wish you could have done so with courtesy, rather than making negative assumptions.
Thanks. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:44:43 PM |
You seem to think I came to my parents and asked. I was doing quite well on my own - it was their insistence and months of them convincing me to move back in to help me save money that resulted in this. You seem almost offended and to be honest, rude. You infer things when you don't know the situation. I take no offense that you discussed these issues with me, but I really wish you could have done so with courtesy, rather than making negative assumptions.
Well... first of all, I am sorry you perceived my questions to be "rude". I did not intend my post to sound rude in any way and I am certainly not "offended". This is an ongoing topic. It didn't just start as you entered the thread so if you were to read back, you would see that I am actually following the continuity of the thread.
I was not living with my parents while working on my degree - my parents actually kept telling me to move back in. They insisted that I do. I didn't ask. I offer to pay for things and they don't let me - they insist it's important that I save up my own money - my investing into buying places right now was their idea. They are quite wealthy and it's not that I feel entitled to it (I don't), but I suppose their point of view is that they're doing fine.
As I said previously, if your parents are quite well-heeled, then it is likely some of the normal situations experienced by less financially-comfortable families would not arise. It is, of course, very different to have 5000 square feet of home to lose one's self in as opposed to the average family getting along in far less space.
My younger siblings all live at home - I'm the oldest. They would have no more privacy with me gone than they have with me there. Plus I help do errands and lately I've been helping my mother day-to-day because she's been sick.
Most families, with younger children still at home, would experience a noticable shortfall in their finances with the older adult child still living there. Your parents' wealth makes a big difference from the norm.
I think it's commendable that you are assisting your sick mother and earlier in this thread, you may note that I said I could see an adult child moving home to assist with parents who are elderly or ill. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:10:29 PM | | I feel absolutely guilty for how much my parents have given me even if they're in the top 0.1%. I'm really quite blessed with how lucky I've been. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up for them. They were similarly born very lucky and they merely want to help their loved ones. I'll do the same for my kids when I have some in the future. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:09:57 PM | Here I go again.
I feel like I have been carrying the burden of defending all you 30+ people out there still living "at home" without much help, though I haven't read the other postings yet(will read some later) so maybe somebody else is.
I come from a rural farm background. I don't live that way now. I live in inner city Seattle, where people who consider themselves way tolerant about polyamory and every other darn thing, almost, but snicker and look down on adults who live with parents. But where I come from, farms were family businesses, and you darn well hoped at least one child would remain behind, with or without a spouse, to take care of the farm and the parents themselves when they got old. It's often the same with other types of family businesses. Remember the soap opera "The Young and the Restless"? I think the Abbotts lived together, even though they were rich. I think the Ewings on Dallas lived together, even though they were filthy rich. Stop being so damn judgemental.
Now I'll read some other posts. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:15:39 PM | | I don't think it is a taboo...I know loads of people well into their thirties back at home, they may have never left home, or parents are simply helping them out because of studies etc etc. It certainly wouldn't bother me, I have my own plce and love it, but had to live back home with my mother when I split from my Boyfriend in Spain, and came home to start all over again, it was hard, but it all works out in the end. No worries, if a girl ditches you because of it, then she is terribly shallow! | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 10/2/2009 7:52:29 AM |
What about your parents' privacy? What about the fact that they should, at this point, be able to chase each other around the dining room table in the nude if they want to? How much of their own savings are going toward supporting you while you save your own money?
If your parents are well-heeled enough to be able to take vacations away or to be unscathed by having to take out of their own pockets for your expenses, that's one thing but most parents are not so fortunate. So I wonder, have you stopped to think about their right to get on with their own lives and to finally, start enjoying the fruits of their labors???
First of all, before I respond to this quote, I wanted to say that you have made some excellent points in this thread, and I agree with the vast majority of them. I think you are spot-on in about 90% of the things you have said here.
Unfortunately, I think this one falls into that other 10%. And here's why.
It takes two to tango. And any parents that allow their children to move back home, stay at home, or continue to support their children on into their mid to late 20s whether it's for school or something else..... they are voluntarily putting themselves in that situation. If enjoying the fruits of their labors were of the utmost priority to them, they would exercise a little tough love and push the kid out of the nest.
While I understand being a parent means always wanting to help your kid out, you can't very well voluntarily do something and then complain about it.
In an incident like this, it is not any more the kid's responsibility to decide when it is time to leave than the parents' responsibility to decide when they are done supporting the situation. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 10/2/2009 9:29:48 AM |
It takes two to tango. And any parents that allow their children to move back home, stay at home, or continue to support their children on into their mid to late 20s whether it's for school or something else..... they are voluntarily putting themselves in that situation. If enjoying the fruits of their labors were of the utmost priority to them, they would exercise a little tough love and push the kid out of the nest.
While I understand being a parent means always wanting to help your kid out, you can't very well voluntarily do something and then complain about it.
Well... I can see where you're coming from RAE and I agree wholeheartedly that parents need to have the cojones to speak up IF they want their privacy and IF they want their freedom to get on with their lives. There's simply no way around that responsibility. But you know, after spending 20 years of our lives raising our children and voluntarily making the requisite sacrifices, it becomes all too easy for parents to just continue making them. This doesn't negate their responsibility to speak up for themselves but it makes it a little easier to understand when they find it hard to slip the 20-year yoke from their shoulders.
Each and every one of us have soft spots... When I speak of "soft spots", I make reference to those special things that anyone around us know we truly care about. In "dirty" marital arguments, those are the things that are used to hurt each other and it is considered "below-the-belt" fighting for anyone in a marriage type of relationship to use one's intimate knowledge of those special things to try to level a partner during an argument.
Our adult children are well aware that they are our "soft spots" and in my view, it's equivalent to "dirty fighting" when they use that soft spot to get their own way, to stay childish longer and to avoid their responsibility to grow up.
In an incident like this, it is not any more the kid's responsibility to decide when it is time to leave than the parents' responsibility to decide when they are done supporting the situation.
I don't agree. When we were young and hitting our majorities, many of us knew that by the age of 18 or 19, it was going to be time to fly. (A LOT of us flew a lot earlier.) Sure, some people that were going to college or university might stay home a little longer but by 21, most people had found other accommodation that gave them the freedom to actually LIVE like adults rather than just pretend that they were all grown up. From what I'm seeing these days, there are almost as many 25 & 30 year olds living at home as there are teenagers. These people are not "kids" and I believe that they DO have a responsibility to make a considerate choice ESPECIALLY when they know that they are their parents' "soft spots".
It's "dirty fighting" to use anyone just because one knows they can. | |
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