| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/16/2009 10:56:39 PM | I too live at home. It's just my mother and I now. It used to be my grandparents, my mother, and I. My grandparents passed away last year and I am proud to say they didn't get shipped off to a nursing home because my family was so close that we knew the importance of taking care of our own in spite of the social taboos. My mother would be all alone if I moved out and I would be all alone too because I am a single man with no children. I make it clear if the relationship gets serious that I won't move out and leave my mother alone to fend for herself as she grows old. She's already is pushing 50. So any woman who wants to get married to me, will have to move into mine and my mothers home. It's not my mothers house, the house is both of ours.
We don't struggle like a lot of people economically speaking because we both pull our own weight. We also never seem to be bored because we have a lot of fun hanging out together. My mother is not my boss. My relationship with my family is very unique. It is more of a partnership. My grandparents were more like parents to me and my mother is more like a twin sister to me. I have had females over to our home before and she gave us our privacy. She didn't interfere in our relationship at all. Once people get to know us they don't view it as a problem. Surprisingly enough, females that I have had relationships with doesn't mind it either once they get to know that. I even had one looking forward to the day we got married so she could move in with me. (I have old fashioned values.) The real problem is getting someone to see past it long enough to get into a relationship with. Believe it or not my break-ups had nothing to do with the fact that I live with my mother.
However my living situation is one of two factors that make it difficult for me to get a date. My problem isn't maintaining a relationship it's starting relationships. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/16/2009 11:01:48 PM | Women will assume what they will assume.
Some make the right call and avoid a loser and others judge too prematurely and lose out on a winner.
Ain't life grand?  | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 1:52:09 AM | Well, I am 37 yrs old and have 3 kids. I was an Analyst for the school district in Las Vegas, and due to budget cuts, I was laid off. So I moved back in with my mother here in Cali. Before I was laid off I was going back to school for my MBA, so I just transferred everything to Cali, and I am still in school. Initially, I was like, I know it does not sound to attractive to say that I am 37 and I am living with my mother, and I am unemployed.
So I spend most of my days obviously spending time with my kids, doing homework, and looking for a job. Granted I am very thankful for my mother.. but as most men know living with your mom can get old very quick.. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 2:34:54 AM | Well OP... you present a reasonable argument in favor of men remaining with their family of origin but you haven't touched on one thing that I think it important. I've mentioned it on a similar thread and I'll mention it here too...
Those parents that the adult children are living with are people too. There was a time when they were simply a pair of young lovers who morphed into responsible parents with a commitment to raise their children to be strong and to be able to fly the nest by the strength of their own wings. I think the majority of parents make great sacrifices for the sake of their children and they do so with love and willingly. Isn't their reward to eventually have their own lives returned to them??? Shouldn't they at some time, be able to enjoy their privacy and perhaps even, a return to their own loving relationship??? Shouldn't they be able to enjoy the fruits of their own labors at some point without having to put their no-longer children first??? At what point, do they get to turn back into people with hopes and dreams of their own???
In this day and age of so many over-indulged children turning into self-serving adults, I think the tendency to return home to live with Mom & Dad is a sign that the adult child lacks consideration for their parent's right to privacy and to live their own lives. I also think it's causing divorces because once the good reason to live in the neutered state of parenting is over, it should be that the parents get to return to who they started out to be...
This goes for women as well. Once I was capable of working, my life was my responsibility. I would have died of shame if I'd had to run home to my parents and it would have been even worse if as a single parent, I had thought to foist my children on my parents after they raised their own. But then... I saw my parents as people with a right to their privacy and to have their own lives.
It's one thing if a man or woman is living at home because their parents need help in some way but to just move in and deny their parents that return to their own coupleship is pretty inconsiderate in my view. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 2:43:13 AM |
My mother would be all alone if I moved out and I would be all alone too because I am a single man with no children. I make it clear if the relationship gets serious that I won't move out and leave my mother alone to fend for herself as she grows old. She's already is pushing 50.
Here's a perfect example of my earlier post. Mom is "pushing 50" so that makes her old??? I don't think so... If not for your being there, she might even be out dating...
Your perception of being "all alone" is one that limits the possibility of either you or your mother being able to find partners. First of all, being alone can precipitate a wonderful reconnection with her own dreams, wants and needs (as well as you being alone could connect you with yours) and secondly, if she's an adult, she'd be more than okay with living alone. That's what adults do. Some of them actually get into relationships if they prefer to have someone in their lives.
I would never want to be "the reason" one of my parents ended up alone when they didn't want to be. I wouldn't want to be the obstacle that prevented one of them from being able to find a new love and I sure as Hell wouldn't expect someone in my life to take on my 50 year old parent.
She's not "old"... She's in the prime of her life and if you'd get out of the way, she might not end up "alone". | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 4:00:03 AM | lol I haven't read through all the comments, so I'll just state my own opinions.
I have no qualms about young men who still live at home- in fact I think its a rather smart idea, especially in times like these. Now isn't the time to be flatting and renting your own place.
I have a friend in his mid 20s who's only flatting because of work, but before then he used to live at home.
However, if the guy was say, 30+, and still living at home, then I'd probably wonder why. Technically, by the time you get to 30, you're supposed to have started settling down into some sort of "routine", and sorted out your career and home life for the most part lol.
I think the only times it'd be really weird would be if you were engaged but still LIVING AT HOME. I know of this girl who's 21 and engaged to be married sometime this or next year, and she's STILL living at home. You wouldn't even get any privacy at all as a married couple!
In case someone asks, yes I'm still living at home, for cost reasons since its actually cheaper to bus to uni than to flat near there. Otherwise if rent wasn't so expensive I'd have been outta here a long time ago...lol | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 9:26:03 AM | Vanity3
She didn't tell him. They had a mutual friend that seen them talking. He was curious about what she did for a living and all was revealed. It suprises me that someone that lives on section 8 can judge someone for living at home that actually has a job.... | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 10:13:09 AM | | Actually Silken Fire, you don't have a clue about what you are saying. My mother has some issues. Even if I left she would just curl up in her room and live as a hermit calling me every second of the day because she is lonely. This isn't an assumption because I talk openly with my family. Maybe you don't understand what it means to talk with your family but I do. Leaving home would interfere more with my relationships than living at home would. You don't understand my mother or my situation. 50 is old to a 24 year old. I am sure that you can remember being my age once and can remember thinking people of your current age of being in "the prime of your life" was old as well. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 11:51:43 AM | | Best way to go about this subject for people in this situation is to not give a flying damn what someone who doesnt know you or your situation. If someone is going to prejudge you before actually knowning you then that person has done you a huge service. Why be with a ignorant person who is unwilling to learn and find out why instead of just throwing darts guessing why? | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 12:07:52 PM | While it generally IS considered kind of socially unacceptable for adult children to be living at home with parents, I would tend to take it on a case-by-case basis. I don't think there's anything wrong with children in their early twenties still living at home in order to get a better start on life. Now, if someone, male OR female is in their thirties and has never left home, I'd wonder what was wrong with them, unless of course they were taking care of an ill parent. Even then, I'd wonder why they weren't making use of other family members and outside help in order to live more independently.
When I married, my husband and I lived with his parents for nearly a year, just out of economic necessity. It was fine- the house was large, so we had plenty of privacy, and his parents and I adore each other, so spending time with them was a pleasure. In retrospect though, I think it would have been much better for my husband's personal development if he had had even a short time living on his own, rather than moving seamlessly from parents to wife.
For me personally, I subscribe to Silken Fire's point. It's been wonderful for my parents' relationship to have a house free of adult children. They've been able to rekindle the excitement of their courtship and early marriage, and in their 60's and 70's, having a great time together. I'd be really leery of intruding on that for more than a very short time! I know they'll always be there for me, and it's a given that my siblings and I will help them in every way, when and if they need it.
So, I guess I wouldn't necessarily judge a guy negatively right up front. But I'd probably be looking at his history and personality pretty closely, because it does fall outside the social norms for this country. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 1:22:15 PM | | I lived with my mom until I was 26 years old due to her health problems. I never had a problem with a relationship. Come to think of it, I probably have had more relationship when I was living with my mom then now that I am on my own LOL | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 3:24:04 PM | Tito you need to read my response to Silken Fire and read Olizay's post before you post stuff like this. You have no clue about our situation. I don't doubt I can find a woman who can except that part about my life because of the area I live in plus I have a lot of stuff going for me personally. My mother has problems. Problems that I am not going into detail about. I also don't fear being alone. It's my mother that I won't force to be alone. YOU DON'T KNOW MY MOTHER OR MY SITUATION! (Because you didn't bother to read my response to Silken Fire.) I can't hurt my family like that. I understand Tito that some people have the ability to hurt their family members, especially family members with "problems".
Unlike you Tito I have compassion and love in me and refuse to hurt my mother. Everyone's situation is different Tito. If you don't believe me take a look at the poor people in the projects and then take a look at the Wall Street Bankers. My situation is a unique situation. I came in here to share my story and how it does effect my life. If the only people who wish to comment about my post are ignorant judgmental people then I guess this isn't the place for me. Everyone is different, everyone is in a different situation. I explained my situation but people still seem to keep harping on my first post because they don't know how to scroll down and read anything past the number 50! | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:06:11 PM |
Actually Silken Fire, you don't have a clue about what you are saying.
Actually FBDS, I not only have a clue what I am saying but I have experience on both sides of the fence. I've been both the child and adult child of a single mother AND I've been a single mother with children who turned into adult children. Can you say that? No? I didn't think so...
My mother has some issues.
You didn't say this in the post I commented on which was under msg. 203 here... You said:
My mother would be all alone if I moved out and I would be all alone too because I am a single man with no children. I make it clear if the relationship gets serious that I won't move out and leave my mother alone to fend for herself as she grows old. She's already is pushing 50. So any woman who wants to get married to me, will have to move into mine and my mothers home. It's not my mothers house, the house is both of ours.
Where in there do you say that she has "issues"???
I said in the last paragraph of my post, "It's one thing if a man or woman is living at home because their parents need help in some way but to just move in and deny their parents that return to their own coupleship is pretty inconsiderate in my view." Perhaps reading what I said a 2nd time will help you with understanding my point?
Your post under msg. 203 clearly left the impression that you think your Mom is old with your statement that she is "already pushing 50" and that appeared to be how you justified still living at home.
You say that she would just curl up in her room and live as a hermit but really, how do you know this unless you've actually moved out for a period of time? And more importantly, why would the family that you say "talks openly" refuse to acknowledge that your Mom might need some professional help with her issues (IF in fact, she actually has any)??? Again, I say, she is a young woman. Not young in the same sense as your kind of young but still, young enough to have a romantic, energetic life if she wants one.
If you truly care about her, suggest she get some help for her issues so that she can truly enjoy the rest of her life instead of feeling like a boat anchor in your life when you don't have a boat. And if you're the boat anchor, let go. She deserves to have her life back! | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 7:15:43 PM |
My mother would be all alone if I moved out and I would be all alone too because I am a single man with no children. I make it clear if the relationship gets serious that I won't move out and leave my mother alone to fend for herself as she grows old. She's already is pushing 50. So any woman who wants to get married to me, will have to move into mine and my mothers home. It's not my mothers house, the house is both of ours.
I mean you no disrespect when I say this, but if you've ever seen the Simpsons, you are currently headed down the path to becoming Principal Skinner.
My mother has some issues. Even if I left she would just curl up in her room and live as a hermit calling me every second of the day because she is lonely. This isn't an assumption because I talk openly with my family.
If this is in fact true, then you are ironically doing your mother a lot more harm than good by staying there with her. You are preventing her from fixing her issues. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/17/2009 10:05:27 PM | titosmith:
What is normal to you might not work for others. Why do we have to fit in one group. We are all unique. What if you meet someone who has been single until late in his 40s. Will you say something is strange with him since its 'normal' to marry before you hit 30?
Actually, I thought that's exactly what I said. I would choose to approach it in the way I described, but I by no means think everyone needs to take the same approach. I guess I was trying to explain how I would evaluate the situation, and I do believe that MOST people- certainly not all- would at the very least unconsciously take prevailing social norms into account.
It would be dishonest of me to say that I would completely disregard the fact that someone's life had proceeded in an unorthodox fashion. In fact, for me, it might very well turn out to be a plus! But yes, I would look at someone who has been single until his late 40's and at least wonder why. I would never dismiss someone out of hand for anything like that, but I would wonder about it. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/18/2009 6:58:44 AM | I take each case on an individual basis. I wouldn't just dismiss a man living with his parents. I accept people with "issues" if there are other features in them that make up for the problems.
I would think there would be issues with maturity though as I have seen a few men like this who had never grown up emotionally. In this case it would make a long term relationship problematical most likely. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:42:47 PM |
My mother would be all alone if I moved out and I would be all alone too because I am a single man with no children. I make it clear if the relationship gets serious that I won't move out and leave my mother alone to fend for herself as she grows old. She's already is pushing 50. So any woman who wants to get married to me, will have to move into mine and my mothers home. It's not my mothers house, the house is both of ours.
I mean you no disrespect when I say this, but if you've ever seen the Simpsons, you are currently headed down the path to becoming Principal Skinner.
I'm sorry. But that was really funny 
My mother has some issues. Even if I left she would just curl up in her room and live as a hermit calling me every second of the day because she is lonely. This isn't an assumption because I talk openly with my family.
If this is in fact true, then you are ironically doing your mother a lot more harm than good by staying there with her. You are preventing her from fixing her issues.
Totally agree. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:53:36 AM | I was 16 when I left home and now I am 24 with a husband and 2 kids. My husband and I have never asked either one of our parents for anything since the day we left home. I stay at home with my sons and baby-sit for extra money and my husband works 40-50 hours a week at a pizza place plus goes to school.
I think that if parents did their job right as parents their children wouldn’t need to still be at home, you would have given them the ability to care for them selves. It is possible to work and go to school and live with out needing mommy and daddy. I won't take care of my kids when they are grown, but I will teach them to take care of them selves when they are little. It is my responsibility to them to make sure they leave home with a education, strong since of self, and morels. If they can’t make it on their own, I know I have failed at being a mother. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/25/2009 2:22:58 AM | | Iread your OP I agree with you 100% I'm 28 and still reside with my father. right now I'm working on getting my education so I can have the accredidations or cetifications that I need for a good paying jon/career. In these times of uncertainty, familysdo need to band together to assist eachother in running the hose hold. The Native American people have done it for thousands of years. the men are the hunter and gatherers, the women look after the children and take care of the maintinace of the lodge. Thus it's called family\tribal bond. J ust because you're Residing with your folks dose not mean that you are sponging, being lazy/sorry, or uncapible to make it by yourself, a mama's boy, and weak as shit. There is moreand more of that going on now and days; people (whole familys especially) loosing their homes. It's either family or the street or perhaps a homeless shelter. I guess some women don't realize that this whole country is going to shit in a handbag. Like telling someone to get a job, when there honestly serching for employment. I'll be like "yes dear in he next 20 years" or "as soon as my hair turns gray or falls out" .Intimes like these, families have to stick together. For one thing thats how tey made it in the great depression besides commiting suicide or sleeping under a overpass in a cardboard box. That's the only economic way of doing it. That's how my Grand parents servived those times, the same should apply now to keep the families going. Family wise, together stringth the only way to win the battle against the aspects of this economic slump. Without the stringth nor family support you're up shits creek without a paddle. So yes this should be taken into consideration about the advantages that this provides that has not really been thought of. it's not really taboo It's happening more and more everyday. there's another reason, natural disasters( for ex: Katrena and the flood in north Ga) sometimes residing with a family member is the only resort; untill the rebuildng process is over. You have a good point. the way i look at it if the girl cannot except me for me than tough shit. | |
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| Men living with their parents: A social taboo?
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:27:42 AM | I think something like this totally depends on how you were raised. I moved out a week after I graduated high school, and haven't been back. I was raised to be independant and the only time its ok to come back home is if you are on the verge of being homeless. At that point I know I would be pushed back out the door ASAP! My parents are in their 50's and semi-retired. The last thing they want is the kids and grandkids back at the house. My brother has never moved back home either... we both know its simply not an option unless again we are about to be homeless.
If and when my parents become to old to take care of themselfs, I will probably do what my Aunt did with my grandparents and put them in a double wide trailer on her land or build an "in law" suite so that I can continue to have my space and privacy.
I never expect anything from a man that I do not have myself. I rent my own place, so he should bare minimum have the same. I have my own car, I pay my bills etc. | |
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