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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:42:42 AM | | Those on their high horses of "stuff doesn't matter" should come down to earth. How many of you would date a homeless person with nothing but a shopping cart? Someone has to be able to take care of themself and keep a clean living space at the very least. Sure, jets, swimming pools and leather couches are not important, but who wants to date someone who can't afford a basic table or bed, and hasn't recently been the victim of some tragedy that caused that? I have enough to look after without picking up someone who is a burden financially. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:45:44 AM | I agree with the OP.. I am not looking for someone to pay my bills.. but yes.. When I meet someone, I definitely consider what they do for a living, their desire to have things in life, their work ethic. My last boyfriend made great money and had NOTHING to show for it.. he always used the excuse of child supportbut he blew his money on sports and drinking most of the time. After a while it was a turn off, he had no desire to improve and was happy enough living off of other people.. ( his father, me.. etc.. ) at 45 years old that put up a major flag for me and although he was fun to hang around with... ultimately we didn't survive. I want to be successful, I want to have things for myself and my children and continue to work hard towards reaching my goals and keeping my children from ever feeling poor or less than others..
This does not mean I am judgemental towards others.. people can live the way they want BUT it does mean that I choose not to date someone who is unemployed etc.. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:33:34 AM | "...while I don't judge someone by their possessions, it just kind of tells me about their drive, work ethic, sense of priority and such when at 55 they have pretty much nothing"
Yes, all the self-righteous comments aside, such things ARE important for the reasons the OP states. If someone hasn't got the gumption to at least try to better themselves and their lot in life, then they could very well end up being a huge anchor to anyone who gets involved with them.
It's all very well to say possessions don't mean anything; you shouldn't judge someone by what they own, etc., etc... But, in the REAL world, such things, while not the be-all and end-all of a person's life, do give at least some hint of what they're like. certainly more than a lot of the 'ivory tower philosophers' here seem to want to believe.
"Those on their high horses of "stuff doesn't matter" should come down to earth. "
Thanks, "yesiamcute." You said it much more succinctly! | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:57:40 AM | Well I will admitt that my first impulse would be to have a negative judgement on a person like the OP described. However, maybe possessions just weren't that important to that lady, beyond what she had, the tv, stero and computer. Who knows. I would think it alittle sad if she wanted more, but never tried to work to get it. But maybe she's happy where she is.
Its hard since we all live in North America..where greed and materialism rule....not to judge a persons happiness and self worth by the things they own. But out side or our little NA bubble most of the world, doesn't desire "things" as much as we do. They desire health, happiness, education, community and family. Simplicity is a wonderful thing. I hope one day I learn to be happy with less. Can you imagine lol the credit card companies would go out of business. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:18:16 AM | I then move to the saga of my ex neighbor. He got arrested for DUI. His car was impounded. He had to find $1000 in fines and fees before he could get his car back. It took him months to come up with it (and ended up borrowing it - a loan I KNOW he will never pay back). Rather than face the music and do what he had to do, he came up with $250 and bought a junker car so he could drive with no license to get to work.
Yet every story started with "I was at the bar last night....."
He came to visit during this mess and I politely told him that
A) I wasn't interested in his tales of woe when they start with the fact that he drove drunk
and
B) He needed to grow up and start handling his business.
C) Stay out of the bar and save that money to do B) above.
He's only 30, the same as my son, but he just doesn't get it. Granted he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but sitting in a jail cell, knowing he may never see his car again though the payments would continue because losing the car doesn't clear the loan, and geneally screwing up isn't going to get it done. And it didn't.
Now, no, the car itself does not matter. All those events that led up to him not having it does matter. And that's what I am trying to say. People with legitimate emergencies and situations have a reason. People who just don't have the drive to work their way up from the bottom do not. The woman with the milk crate furniture did NOT need her computer for anything legit. All she had on it was games and AOL, and she told me she spent 18 hours a day surfing and in chat rooms every day. Maybe she was happy sitting on milk crates, and I am not judging her for that. The point of the post is whether you factor that in when deciding if it's someone you would like to date. And someone like this I would pass right by.
In my situation, since someone commented about my love of creature comforts, after three wives I'm pretty much done with it. You were careful to select what you repeated from my profile, how I like staying home. You managed to miss the part about how little time I have to myself, how I choose to NOT put another woman through my moodiness and quite often lack of consideration. I am a free spirit and it is better off that I remain single. Which leads to the strongly stressed statement that I an only on here for forums. You managed to leave that part out, though.
I once had someone over for dinner and her first words when she walked in were "Do you have a maid or a housekeeper of something? How can a man's house be THIS clean and orderly?" I am not Felix Unger, but I like things neat.
Different things matter to diffrent people. With me the main thing is that I have to know someone actually wants to TRY. Rather than live in squalor and collect welfare, try to find a job. Stop making excuses. Show some determination. Show some pride. Hell, I RENT my house and I do more improvements out of my pocket than most homeowners on my street. I may not own it, but I live here and I take pride in my home. I work hard all week and when it's time to relax I want to do that in a house where I am comfortable. I am a computer nerd by profession and I love gadgets. That's MY version of alcohol...  | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:26:37 AM | | Well I started this life with nothing,and I still have half of nothing left. Creature comforts are nice, but you cant take them with you when die. Not really into collecting material possessions. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:26:57 AM | | In terms of finding a mate, what's important is that you share the same VALUES. If you value financial security, then it would be relationship suicide to hook up with someone who is happier living in the financial moment. There doesn't need to be right way and a wrong way -- just different. Personally, I grew up in a finacially precarious home (sometimes there was running water and heat, sometimes not) and, frankly, I don't want to live like that again. Therefore, now that I am comfortable, I would be afraid to hook up with someone who doesn't value financial security because we wouldn't be working toward the same goals. I'm not judging that person for his/her lifestyle/value system, I just know what I need to feel okay. And I am okay with providing that safety for myself, I'm not looking for someone to do it for me, but I would think long and hard about compromising that safety by hooking up with someone who doesn't share that same value. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:31:25 AM | If you've got it...keep a low profile...Don't flash cash, don't wear expensive clothes, drive a sensible and anonymous looking car...Those are just a few things that can keep unwanted "pests" from flocking around you, looking for something... | |
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libbyv
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Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 34 | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:14:29 AM | *Some* people who don't have money don't have it because they walked away from it to find peace ... :)
If someone saw what I do have, and know I've worked for and earned it myself, they might admire me ... everything in context, Eddie.
There was a time when my daughter was very young that I literally had not much more than the baby furniture in her room. I'm rich by comparison now.
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:23:37 AM | I don't have much, but even if I did... I would hope that I would have the self-esteem to not be all-- "OMG A PRETTY WOMAN IS TALKING TO ME!!1 SHE MUST WANT ME POT OF GOLD!! FIRE PHASERS!"
I think that people who assume that anyone just wants them for what they have is suffering from low self esteem, and need to examine their other winning qualities.
Sure, if you spend time with someone and they show actual signs of being a gold digger... then the flags go off. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:32:21 AM | Things like transportation matter.... who tried to tell you it didn't? Unless they live on a busline and can manage EVERYTHING from that busline.... then it matters.
I too would not date someone without a car ( newer model and running well), bank account ( with enough money in it for bills and some savings)... and if by 40 he does not own a house, there should be a good reason for it...
Those are not possesions perse, they are things of someone who is trying to be financially stable.
I met people like that too eddie and it was adios........... I have no time for that BS.... no use in trying to see what else is in all that mess of a life, just get away from them and find someone more to your liking.
yes... I agree with it it does paint a picture... I don't know why you think it wouldn't. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:54:23 AM | Hey Guy Get Over Yourself!
Well you're like the last half dozen guys who I finally said yes pick me up at my house and they looked around and said in quotes... "Yes I could live here!" (Just before I asked them what made them think they were going to do that and to leave quietly?) Women today have worked hard to be able to say they are independent and surviving on their own... we may want a man in our lives but it's not the be all end all if we don't find him!!!!
like the lady before me:
"I don't have a mortgage and everything I own is paid off. It may not look cosmetically pleasing to everyone but I have plenty of friends and loved ones who never notice and gather here often. I figure that makes me a rich person." I feel the same way about my life!
Usually the guys who are trying to latch onto a woman who is that position are the same guys who will say... "I never eat out" meaning I'm cheap, and petty and lousy company... and I'm looking for a woman to take care of ME!!! Geesh get a maid! Or a housekeeper.....
Not saying there aren't some women who are looking for a man to take care of them but that is not the majority..... most of us still believe in love! That's what we are looking for nothing less..... and it doesn't include a new sofa. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 5:57:56 AM | ESE; I am trying to not be obtuse in understanding what you are trying to say, especially with the second scenario - the DUI fellow. That would also cause me to raise an eyebrow. But as to the initial statement, I would have to agree with most of the other posters here - you simply do not know what has brought a person to their current state of affairs, whether it be circumstance or a different range of life-style priorities. One of the most humbling things in my life has been to go from making a LOT of money to being on a tight budget. I went from owning my own home to renting. From two vehicles and a 22-1/2' Bayliner to just one vehicle, etc. Believe it or not, I am actually happier now since I learned and fully understood the hard way that money is just the means to an end. I need x-amount of dollars to have a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back. The rest is superfluous.
Having said all this, I also need to add that my home is beyond comfortable to me, my family and friends, and there is no shortage of funds to purchase pinesol.
C.
...I just realized I am fence-sitting with my response, lol... | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:44:22 AM | I dated women who had little in the way of material wealth, but were still hard workers and good people. Not everyone has the skills or opportunities to do better, and often they may have recently come out of a marriage and gotten little - perhaps there was little to split.
So, modest living conditions don't bother me, UNLESS they show lack of attention to cleanliness, and no attempt to make the place somewhat attractive within their means. If the person shows no interest in self-improvement - through gaining more work experience or through continuing education - then I would be wary. However, it is usually pretty easy to determine someone's motivation and sincerity and decide from there what to think and do.
Far more important is character, compatibility, and overall attraction. Fortunately, I make a good living, so my partner's income and resources don't matter much to me if all other factors are positive. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:31:31 AM | I never could understand how people could think people with money are unhappy ? I would think being poor would be unhappy !
Most people are in the middle and its no what you make but how ou use it. I myself would much ather have a car, house and things I want than go without. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:48:10 AM | It depends on alot of things.
1) Do they make an effort? In other words if their things are from rent-a-center or whatever obviously they are working. Maybe they don't have a degree and a high paying job but they can contribute. Are they willing to keep contributing?
2) Are they trying to further their education or trying to change their circumstances? Getting in a rut sucks, once you fall behind on your finances getting caught up and out of the hole is sometimes very tough. I think not having much is better then having too much that you can't afford, at least they are sacrificing what they want to get in a better place.
3) Is their little place clean? Do they try to take pride in what little they have?
Limiting yourself to someone of the same stature is your purogative but a bit paranoid. Isn't being with that right, special someone sharing everything? I don't have alot and frankly would be a bit intimidated by someone with alot more then I have. I wouldn't want that person to think I am only after his possessions. But to discount someone for not having much or having alot more then myself is not something I would do.
C~ | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:56:31 AM | Sheryl Crow once sang, "...it's not having what you want; its wanting what you got."
I believe that. I think some people just don't care about stuff like that - it doesn't matter what they have, it's how content they are to have what they have. I like my stuff, but I can't expect everyone to be like me. I don't assume someone wants something of mine until they try to get it.
I grew up with neighbors who lived poorly, run down house, made their own clothes, had no car, we thought they were in poverty. Then one day we saw them in the market with three carts overflowing with food...from that point on our perception of what you see/think you know and what actually is changed dramatically. Maybe they could afford more but chose not to buy anything that wasn't basic shelter and squirreled all their money in floorboards or in bank accounts. Perhaps they lived with little money and decided that food was more important than the other stuff. Maybe they were naturalists and thought that toys games and other stuff wasn't healthy for their kids minds.
Who really knows? | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:07:39 AM | ESE: Just curious, but this neighbor you speak of above ~ isn't this the same 30 year old that you posted about who was obsessed (and I mean OBSESSED) with his wife??? Buying surveylance equipment for his home to watch/listen to her when he was gone? Etc.??? If so, it makes perfect sense why he has nothing ~ he has issues much bigger than a DUI, no license and a lack of material possession. Sounds like maybe a little vacation at Camp Get It Together is in order. 
~OT~ I am not 55, but I am at an age where possessions are usually in existence. I was a material girl for a looooong time. Terribly so. I was unhappy at home, so I found happiness in places like the Toyota dealership, Pier 1, Thomas Kincaid prints, expensive gifts to my friends/families for no reason, etc. In the end, I was still unhappy at home and had debt on top of that. So, I made a life-altering decision. I sold my rentals, traded the SUV for a gas-smart car, got my son through high school and sold nearly everything that he didn't want or need for his apartment and I went on a journey of self. Just me, my clothes and my new car. It was, without a doubt, the best thing I've ever done. I'm happy. I'm debt-free. And I can do anything I feel like doing. Opera in San Fran this weekend, fishing in Alaska next (if I want) or I don't have to do anything at all. If someone judges me because I live in a rental with a roommate ~ they can just motivate elsewhere, because I have no stress, no real drama, never a risk for borrowing his money, etc. I still have some very nice things ~ and have added things since my downsizing, but I still maintain ~ I don't own anything that is worth more than my peace of mind/heart. To each their own, but not all people who choose a life without "owning" stuff have issues or are irresponsible. Maybe they just find worth/wealth in places that other people simply don't understand. JMO  | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:11:39 AM | like most things in dating "possessions, hieght, big boobs and gaint sausages"...well they matter as little or as much as you value those things.
From a philosophical perspective...well of course possessions are totally meaningless..it says nothing about the nature of that persons soul or heart or anything.....unfortunately though, we dont date "philosophies"...though i hear that Sartre was a player.
Most people want to date someone that values the same things as they do...so if its important to you in your life...well its going to matter in the people you choose to date.
Where it becomes tricky is when you try to judge someone from the perspective of your own life...were all different, raised with different values and perspectives...when any of us tries to judge someones elses life through our own filters it tends to reveal more about us...than the people we are judging. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:20:05 AM | Never judge a person until you walk in their shoes.
When I'm gone from this earth am I to be remembered for what I had or who I was?
JMHO | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:29:35 AM | Well, judge me if you like...I live in a trailer, drive a crappy station wagon, have second-hand furniture and a re-vamped computer (Thanks Brainchild)...so possession-wise I guess I'm pretty pathetic.
Until you consider the books. I have hundreds upon thousands of books (this is not including the 17,000 I have on my computer)...it's the first thing I buy when I've got extra cash on hand. I would say that would make me a rich person right there (especially if you consider that the average hardcover book costs around $20-$25 and you're looking at around $8 - $10 for a paperback.) I'm rich in knowledge, in entertainment and vocabulary. There's nowhere I cannot travel or visit when I've got a novel in my hands.
It's not so much how MANY possessions you have, but WHAT you decide to keep that makes you good/bad/pathetic, right?
Peace, flowers, freedom, happiness. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:30:28 AM | I don't judge people by how much they have. Your position in life can flip on a dime. A killer margin call, doubled mortgage interest (doubled mortgage payment), an illness that insurance won't cover, it's all circumstance.
As an entrepreneur with two divorces, I've been on both sides of the fence. Truck loads of cash, then garbage pickin' for a friggin TV and sleeping on a fouton until I get my feet under me again. Sometimes fate intervenes and you bounce back quick, sometimes it can take a few years. Some things just don't show up on radar.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:34:41 AM | I understand that there are people who are happy with very little. That's great! But they wouldn't be a good match for where I am at in my life right now. I like to travel and I do so frequently. I pinch pennies in other areas so I can afford to do this. I've also saved and invested since I was in my mid 20s for the future. I don't plan on being dirt poor when I do retire. Someone who flips burgers and lives with 5 other guys in a 2 bedroom apartment just wouldn't be a good match for me....not because I disrespect them, but because we obviously want, and are happy with, different things in life.
All you "shallow" screamers just make yourself look silly. I want a partner...someone who enjoys at least some of the same things I enjoy, and someone who can teach me to enjoy some of the things he enjoys. | |
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