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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:55:35 AM |
All you "shallow" screamers Sorry, but I knew when I was in a healthy enough place before I started dating again. I don't know how many times I saw in a thread "You gotta be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else". Some people instinctively know this and won't go looking for a relationship. But serendipity can lead you to where you least expect. The control you think you have over your life is only an illusion.
I'm not saying you have to date someone with nothing, I won't date dykes, but don't slam someone who doesn't care.
Good luck. Hope you never need it. Then again, it might teach you a few things. | |
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zsuzs
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Joined: 3/5/2007
Msg: 53 | |
| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:00:36 PM | | As the old saying goes....walk a mile in my shoes and then talk....you know nothing about the person where he she came from what they gave up what happened. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:01:37 PM | thanks there, re-hab, lol. I'm not always articulate enough to make my point. My divorce cost me everything (yes, it happens to women too, lol), and it's a slow (but steady) climb back up there.
cheers! | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:22:28 PM | I understand the point you’re making OP. Red flags seem to wave for me when I meet a person in their late 40’s and early 50’s that have absolutely nothing. If there have been no recent horrific incidents in their life to strip them of their possessions, I seriously wonder what have they been doing their whole life to end up with nothing after 50 years?
Now… on the flip side…
I met a man on POF who seemed to be reasonably together. He had a decent job with an armed security service that he worked nights as a supervisor. He had a decent vehicle (a van). A boat and yet another vehicle (a truck) to haul it. He related vacations he’d taken and sounded like an all around guy. The only red flag that I perceived was that he rented from, and lived with a male roommate. I would think a man his age would own a home, but disregarded it because he’d been divorced several years back.
The romance evolved as they do through the months. He started spending more time at my home. Living “with” me a lot of the time. He’d always be carrying an overnight bag and be prepared to spend time at my place.
Several months down the road things didn’t add up and I started investigating. I went to where he was supposed to be living with the “male roommate” and had the pleasure of meeting his ex-fiance’. She informed me that their relationship was on the rocks and he was spending some of his time living with her although they were not technically living together anymore. She also informed me that he hadn’t held a job for the better part of their relationship. After several hours of putting the puzzle pieces together with his fiance’ I realized that he was using his night job to actually be socializing and meeting yet more women. Then I stumbled onto yet another woman he was living with (part time of course). The man didn’t have a home of his own and was technically living out of his van. He was spacing out all three (or more?) women in a rotation of sleep-overs.
The fiance’ had bought the van and the truck “for” him out of their combined funds—NOTE he wasn’t working for a huge portion of their relationship. When suspected him cheating on her she SIGNED the vehicles over to him so she wouldn’t have liability anymore. The fiancé also stated that the boat trailer was co-registered with yet another womans’ name on it.
The man was living with several women at once. Each woman thinking he was living with a male roommate when not at her place and having his own tight financial obligations. The man was living off of all of us while using his job to generate more potential contacts. All three of us women had the same lifestyle which leads me to believe he was “profiling” potential targets.
The moral of the story is that the "illusion" of possessions can go both ways and can mean ALOT of different things. We mustn't jump to conclusions about possessions or the lack thereof. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:32:58 PM | Well.. I admit. If you can't at least fill an apartment, I have to wonder.
I don't much care how you got the stuff to fill it with (providing stealing it wasn't the case), but to me and empty apartment or one just filled with lawn type furniture just screams.. I won't be around long.
Things like cars and boats and other big toys or smaller toys... meh.. I don't care. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:43:40 PM |
If you can't at least fill an apartment,...
If they can't fill an appartment, then maybe, just maybe, he/she should be focusing on things other than a date friday night.
$100 steak dinner or a set of dishes or curtains or bath towels or.... Humm.... hard one to call. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:07:10 PM | well... if that's the case then I'm fooked!! I sold my house and everything in it (everything that wouldn't fit in my car!) 7 months ago to move from Wisconsin to Louisiana. I didn't do it for a man, with a man, or because of a man. I'm not here to bag a man, trap a man, or trick a man into taking care of me. I can take care of myself. I can't believe how much STUFF you can accumulate in 7 months but I'm proud of how far (not talking distance) I've come since I've been here. I got a good job, a good place to live, and have great friends. What I DON'T have... OR need... is NEW stuff. I've bought 2nd hand furniture (great condition), new TV (NOT a plasma or 56" screen) and I am living very comfortably.
The point I'm getting at here is just LOOKING at someone's situation IS judging without history. If you don't take into consideration where that person has been, or what they've gone through, then you have no clue what they are "all about". What I've accomplished in the last 3 yrs is amazing by most peoples standards, but you wouldn't know it by my "possessions". Anybody who makes that judgement on me without hearing my story misses out... big time :-)
'just' sayin.... | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:35:45 PM |
Good luck. Hope you never need it. Then again, it might teach you a few things.
Again, who is the shallow one?
Person A: The one who agrees that different types of people are happy with different "things" in their life, but also feels that some of those differences makes two people a poor match?
or
Person B: The one who screams "shallow" at a person who feels that way?
It's obvious to me. And it in no way indicates that Person A hasn't learned a few things along the way, or that Person A needs to be taught a few things. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:42:11 PM | | my opinion...I have worked hard to get to where I am and make good money, more then most men I date and to be honest, it turns me off to date someone with nothing...mind you material objects are meaningless, but showing you have worked hard to get the basics is what I need. I am 38, on my 3rd house, have 2 cars and a motorbike and have been through a divorce, gave him everything then another relationship that I lost losts again and back then I did nto make lots but I still bend over backwards to have stuff. Now when ur talking material stuff to me things like a boat, fancy cloths, motorbikes, cars on top of just one mean nothing but a car, a phone , a good decent job, stabilty and some money to go out every so often...if u don't have that it shows me that you really did not try that hard. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:44:43 PM | Because they don't have a car?? I have everything I need, enough to do whatever I want to do, including travel anytime I have the urge, spend money on whatever I want, and am totally independent. I don't have a car because I don't want one. Why do people assume that if you don't have a car, it's because you can't afford one?
I live in an apartment (an expensive one) because I like apartment living. It's not low budget and I pay all utilities, and have nice furniture. But, I guess people like you would assume that I'm looking for a meal ticket. From what you're saying, I may even have more than you, but because I don't have a car , you'd probably put me in the "poor" category.
Sounds like the woman you mentioned was just a slob. Can't see what not having a car would have to do with that.
Having said all of that, would I date a man who didn't have a car? No! One of us would need one. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:45:39 PM | | I just want everyone to know this is just a situaion for me...if you dont' care then that is fine. I just like someone on my own level, a little lower or higher, because I am someone who values stability. But you always have to look at the situation and say why are they in that place and there could be many reasons and good ones to. I actually went on a date with a rich guy that had everything but that does not mean I would date him but the reverse, someone with nothing I probably would not but I don't judge them cuz life is hard. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:47:39 PM | To some people , possessions of a potential partner matter a great deal , to others ( apparently ) not ...
Following my divorce I dont have a lot of either money or possessions ( but I dont live on garden furniture .. yet ! ) , but then again, I am not a possessions type guy .. I enjoy my kids , my rallying, my motorcycle and my friends
Someone that values a potential partners posessions is imho exibiting a kind of snobbery , but then I am not too worried about it - they are not the type of person I would be looking for anyway .... 
Ogs :) | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:52:15 PM | | oggers this is what I am referring to..situations mean alot. I mostly look at that and see if I want to continue. When I got divorced I lost everything, my choice, but I worked hard to get it back...so really you have to look at each situation and see how long it has been that way and where it is going. IF it is someone working at a 1/2 lame job, not trying to better themselves, they have nothing and are lazy well....common sense tells u what you should do but if they have kids and working hard and no stuff well that is different. to the other person stating they don't have a car czu they don't want one. well again another situation, that is nto the same as having nothing..a car does not make you ur right lol but if u can't afford one and are living in a dump and can't hold a job well then common sense leads the way again. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:02:16 PM | | or you can be like me...successful healty married man...add one divorce lawyer....most of my net worth gone....add a lousy arrogant surgeon......most of my health gone and career on the rocks...no need to add that net worth didn't improve.....then finally add one lightning strike to my house.....subtract any that was plugged into the walls from diminishing net worth....doesn't mean that all the qualities that got me fairly high on the food chain in my profession are gone....doesn't mean I will stay in this place in my life......just means I (for the time being) am a victim of unfortunate circumstances..( I loathe the word victim but didn't have a thesaurus handy)......means there is a great deal of heat and pressure involved in getting through these events....incidently that is the same process in which a diamond is formed......as other have indicated she may be a victim of circumstances beyond your understanding(Katrina survivor, abused woman, or take your choice of a thousand other situations).....rather than pay attention to her meager belongings or her less than desirable living situation, pay closer attention to the grace in which she handles her difficulties......perhaps you just might see a diamond in the making Peace everyone | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:09:19 PM |
Now, no, the car itself does not matter. All those events that led up to him not having it does matter. And that's what I am trying to say. People with legitimate emergencies and situations have a reason. People who just don't have the drive to work their way up from the bottom do not.
But the two situations you've described are vastly different. In the case of your neighbor, you know the history, you have all the information you need to judge that his life is exactly what he made it, through his bad decisions and stupid choices.
You don't know those things about the woman you're judging. What if she was injured at work, or diagnosed with a chronic condition, and has a lot of time to pass while waiting for her Worker's Comp or SSI to come through? Perhaps she is just a waste of flesh, sitting around vegging and not contributing in any productive way. But shouldn't you, in all fairness, have more information before you make that assumption? | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:09:54 PM |
I grew out of that as I aged and now understand that while I don't judge someone by their possessions, it just kind of tells me about their drive, work ethic, sense of priority and such
^^ OP ... all I can say is - unbelievable.
I would think if you were/are a "paycheck to paycheck" type guy, as you stated, you wouldn't be so judging of others. What happened to 'with age comes wisdom'?
There are many factors that contribute, and I'll bet there are people who work twice as hard as you (re: drive, work ethic) and make less than 1/2 what you do. Low paying job, no education, family/children to care for, etc. Imagine the guy who pumps gas all day or the woman who put school off for years to feed her kids to work as a waitress.
What you should be asking yourself is why in the hell you care what other people have, don't have. Just don't date them or associate with them if accumulated wealth/ possessions are your measuring stick.
Sorry OP - but your articulation in this post hints as a belief that those who don't have as much as you shouldn't be looking you in the eye when you enter a room. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:11:18 PM | I don't judge anyone by their things (okay I did that one little guy )
But if you live in filth... moldy dishes in the sink...nasty,smelly bathroom
Yep I judge you....ewwww... someone once said the way you keep your house is how you feel about yourself...true that...don't look in my closets! | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:22:22 PM |
someone once said the way you keep your house is how you feel about yourself...true that
I have an aunt, an incredible human being (the consensus of everyone that has ever met her), who several years ago was hit by a drunk driver without no insurance. Her back was seriously injured, and she spent years in severe pain, barely able to move. She was no longer able to work and incurred massive medical bills, so their financial situation deteriorated. They no longer had as many nice things, and with 3 kids and a working husband bringing in the sole income their house became quite the pigsty.
And yet, she was still the same good, decent person that everyone that knew her loved. It would have been extremely unfair for her to be judged on the condition of her house without having all of that background information. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:26:01 PM | The thing about the forums that is so amazing is how things go so off topic sometimes........... I have noticed when someone responds and someone else does not like it, they call the other shallow.
As for me, I like a guy with possessions, a car, money and someone not in need of a shrink...
guess that makes me shallow but it's my life and certain possessions do matter. It should go without saying someone would be clean and be responsible enough to maintain their possesions... furniture, dishes, silverware, towels, bed sheets, vehicle and everything else most adults should have. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:09:40 PM | All of you "walk a mile in their shoes" people need to read the original post.
<div class="quote">How much, if anything, do you read into it when you meet someone who pretty much has nothing? Do you immediately suspect that they want you for what YOU have?
The question is about whether you would suspect that you are being pegged as a meal ticket based on what you see. The history of how they got there is not relevant. NOW is relevant. Anything before yesterday doesn't matter to me in ANY way. I care about now. You can change the future, not the past.
How do you know if I HAVE been in their shoes or not? (I have.)
I went back to college at age 41 because the music degree I had was worthless in the job market and I wanted a computer studies degree. I lived in places that would make a roach puke. I knew where every happy hour freebie was so I could go spend one dollar on one beer and eat the hot dogs or the pizza or the sub sandwich. I HAVE scraped the bottom of the barrel.
But I overcame. Someone who were to "judge" me now (and that isn't the right word - assess and evaluate would be more accurate and appropriate) would say "He's doing okay for himself". 20 years ago, 15 years ago, 10 years ago... they are all "ago". They do not matter. I do not own the house I live in, I rent, only because I choose to not go that deep into debt at this age. However, that isn't a plus or a minus as far as who I am. What IS a plus is that I go to work every day, work hard at a job I do very well, and enjoy what my salary allows me to enjoy.
Again, I understand hard times. I don't sympathize, but I empathize. I also understand lack of motivation and just giving up. I can't deal with someone who just sits in squalor, whines about how bad they have it yet does nothing to improve themself. And that was what this post was about. If you could consider dating someone with that kind of mental outlook. Someone down so far that they have gone past the point of caring.
Verygreeneyes, yes. Same guy. Really has issues. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:40:10 PM | Seems to me there are separate issues here. One of ppl living in squalor and having no motivation to do better. Another of ppl not having many possessions. Some have many possessions and still keep a filthy house. Some have money, but are not interested in owning a lot of material things. Some are poor, but still take pride in their appearance and that of their homes.
I do understand what the OP is saying. Would I become involved with someone who didn't have as much as I have. Probably not, but I also would not be with someone who took no pride in their homes or themselves, no matter how much money they may be worth. And no, I would not date anyone with the mental outlook the OP is referring to. It would not be a matter of them maybe wanting me for a meal ticket. I just wouldn't want them because of their mental outlook, period. Wouln't get far enough for me to contemplate what they wanted me for. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:13:51 PM | | All the material wealth and possesions will mean nothing at the end of the day. No one will rate you based upon what you had. The only question I think I'll be asked is how did you serve mankind? I'm working on the answer everyday. | |
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| I know possessions don't matter, but....
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:14:00 PM | Why are you speaking ill of someone who is living in near poverty or poverty?
A woman customer had a rental trailor and you are talking about her lolol.
Many live in those things. Geez. Did she ask you out?
If you do not want to date them don't, as with a paycheck to paycheck job..............some could say something about your status.
Dang, she had a good pc huh? Her priorites are her own. We all have our own.
Life happens,divorce can devastate people, circumstances can devastate people, life traumas. Do you have any idea how devastated some are by people that they had NO idea the people were such louses or would not have married them and had children?
Far out.
You use to be a guy who played tunes and did not make much money, but now you have matured and you GREW OUT OF judging people, but you ,at your age, have a hard time wondering of people are after you for a meal ticket, if they do not have much money, live in a rented trailor, and live low budget as cannot afford anything more?
Are you confused? Judging, but not judging?
Yes, many of us have to be concerned at out age, who have 'things' to not be wanted for the things..............and we have to get to know people. It is choices we make.
If one is completely showing my company will benefit them for their survival and that is needed major over anything else, then it is not dating, it is having to save someone.
Then, they do not want you, but what you have.
Yet, talking about poor people sucks!
They probably have more fun than some of us and that woman sounded happy as possi ble with her major cool computer right ?Milk crates with ropes sounded like expressive designing with what she had to work with?
But, to talk ill of those who never did have, lost, or never could figure out how to get to loose, not knowing all circumstances on others , and having done nothing bad to you,anyway, not nice.
Don't date them, if you do not want-cool-, but don't trash strangers who have not done anything to you. Not someone you saw on a job delivery and do not know her story.
Now,I gotta dance like a bunch of :
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