| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 6:50:43 AM | A persons financial situation has nothing to do with them being a potential date or partner. Money has no bearing what so ever. If you and them hit it off, then its pretty poor show to not try and help them out [u]to an extent.[/u]
Its a sad state of affairs where a persons financial conditions are a consideration for dating. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 6:53:23 AM | It's easier to understand if someone had been burned by medical bills than someone with a gambling addiction, for instance. And there are those who are digging their way out, while others are just digging themselves deeper.
We're a debtor nation and I think too many people are too comfortable with debt for my taste. Money isn't everything, but it isn't nothing, either. It's a responsibility issue and if it's chronic---a character issue---I'm outta there. | |
|
lorie1
|
Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 6:58:24 AM | I would be leery of someone who mentions financial difficulties.A mortgage is normal, but if the bank is about to foreclose on the person's home...that's real deep trouble...
You know, if it were one of the first things a coffee date says to me,and it has happened twice to me,I am out of the cafe asap.If that person is so badly off in debt,they really have no business dating,their time ought to be used in re establishing some sort of debt management . To be honest,even if I hear that someone is doing this,it still is a red flag to me that this person is not too good at taking care of themselves.I have a girlfriend,a rather "known"actress,for over 28 years.I love her dearly, but boy, is she ever living life on the edge.People put up with her "borrowing"money...she never can pay it back.I found out several years ago as to why she seems to get enough work to make ends meet,but the ends never meet for some reason...probably due to the enormous bottles of brandy in her kitchen,most of them empty...I had to detach myself from being actively involved with her as a pal.It bothers me very much to have to do so,but when someone has a problem that is ongoing, you have to let go,or they drag you down too.She is loveable,it's why so many people constantly bail her out,but detach later on,because there never seems to be an end...
Usually, if someone is that much in debt, there are others things about them,that I would suspect would make them problematic.I figure if someone is so much in debt,its a red flag.Chances are their problems will somehow become yours.Sorry about the long windedness here,but to my experience,and there has been many in my past like what I just described,its best to not get further involved. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:12:43 AM | | I'd say it has more to do with one's circumstances and how they handle things. Up until 2 1/2 years ago the only debt I had was one mortgage. Due to a marriage that didn't happen, a terminally ill parent, and a currently ill pet, I now have two mortgages until I can sell one of the houses and some credit card debt that I'm paying off, and my credit is very good. I don't expect anyone else to pay my debt off but me, and I'm well able to handle my monthly bills and expenditures. If I were to get married before this debt was paid off, I still wouldn't expect anyone to help with it and I'd also still be able to contribute my half of the marital bills. As long as he was the same, I don't have any problem with it. What would concern me is if someone has let their credit get so bad that they can't even get a loan for a car or a mortgage. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:16:51 AM | I too know people who are in a lot of debt. While I like them as people, I know that in a serious romantic relationship you have to accept the totality of the person. Spenders need to be with spenders, savers need to be with savers, etc.
"Money and sex, it's all my wife and I ever argue about. I tell you, she charges me too much!" -Rodney Dangerfield, R.I.P. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:19:24 AM |
One person stated that $10K is the norm for credit card debt.
I'm glad I'm not "normal"! 
Seriously, mortgage and education debt aside (and I have neither at this point), I've pretty much always paid my CC balance in full every month, there's only 2 points in my *life* when I've had anything close to $10K on a credit card. One was many years ago, after my first "live in" GF left me... she'd made me give up all my furniture for hers when she moved in, and when she left I bought a new sofa/love-seat for the living room, a new stereo (she took mine, but it was old), and new bedroom furniture (all I was left with was the bed). Ran up about $8K, but I had it paid off in 3 months, I had a 'plan' in place.
And the last time just recently, oil pump went in my car, trashed the engine, cost me $10K to have it rebuilt (and new radiator, water pump.. god, its virtually new under the hood, in a 10y/o truck). Paid that all off right away though.
I have two credit cards in my wallet, but mainly I use them for gas, and the occasional time for new clothes (I'm not shopping all the time) or say Home Depot for lawn or repair stuff.
They aren't "money", they're "debt", and really to me just a convenience (and actually safer than a debit card for the most part in terms of protection). I think some people see them as "money" they can spend - I know one woman from an old job who just went on a spree accepting CC offers, and running them up - ran up $80K in a year, thats just stupid. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:23:05 AM | | Financial responsibility has always been a big thing for me and I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't know how to manage their finances. I would look at good debt (ie a mortgage) vs bad debt and if the majority of their debt is bad debt (multiple credit cards, spending more than they earn, lacsadasical attitude towards finances) then I'd take a pass. I'm all about living within my means and it's important to me that the person I'm with have the same kind of approach to finances that I do. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:32:42 AM | Financial debt does influence my choice in a potential relationship as money problems create stress. I am looking for a relationship not problems and hardship. I only have a mortgage and pay my credit card balance off each month - as I dont buy what I cant afford. So for me to find someone compatible I would need someone with the same kind of money philosophy.
Now after saying that, many men that I have met online have taken a financial beating from a marriage break up and may not be as well off as they once had been, but generally most men are able to regain financial stability sooner than most women. So, for me if I met a man who was re-defining his life and had a plan for being out of debt, that would not stop me from dating him or being close to him. It would only modify our activities as if I was interested in him, I would not want to burden him excessively with taking me out. I can play nice in the sandbox.
I dont expect a man to look after me financially and I do not want a man that would expect that I look after him financially. I want to meet a life parnter halfway and enjoy life together. Lets face it, having money is nice, but you only take your memories to the grave with you. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:35:43 AM | [quoteIts a sad state of affairs where a persons financial conditions are a consideration for dating.
Given that financial issues are one of the biggest sources of arguments and breakups amongst couples I think it's extremely naive to take this point of view. Maybe if I were a billionaire and could afford to blow money left, right and centre I might feel differently. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 8:43:32 AM | | Financial debt is scary. Having worked in the personal injury field of law for over 20 years it made me aware of how an accident, an illness, a death in the family can completely wipe you out. My ex fiance owed a mortgage, a 2nd mortgage, owed on two vehicles (one of which I was paying for), and had over $30, 000 in debts in credit cards alone! This was a very large deciding factor about my reluctance to marry him until his debts were paid down or off. His spending habits were frivilous and immature. While, due to circumstances regarding the end of our relationship I am now living with my son and his family temporarily, I do own my own home in Maryland (waiting for the lease to expire on my renter in order to sell it) but other than my mortgage I do not have any other debts. What I own is owned free and clear. I live within my means and do not purchase anything unless I can pay cash for it. If I don't have the cash I don't need it. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 9:07:40 AM | Yes, absolutely it would influence my choice in a potential long-term mate. I don't have any debt - besides my mortgage and I would not want to take on anyone else's bills. My mortgage stresses me out as I hate debt of any sort and would love to pay it off.
I do understand that many men are in debt because they gave up what they had to the ex wife and the kids and had to purchase it all again. This includes starting out with a new mortgage and little equity.
I am very financially responsible and have been since my early 20's (my shopping spree days). My parents are a terrible financial example and I have learned from them what NOT to do with my money
A partner who was not financially responsible would not be the one for me. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 9:14:30 AM | if your belife works for you thats fine but there are some times people run into debt just trying to live the saying goes most every body is just one paycheck away from finantial ruin and lots walk the edge of that line every day!
more importantly is are they employed? and i dont mean at mc donalds!
if there situation affects your dating relationship then yes i think i wouldre evaluate a relationship with that person | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 9:47:41 AM | | Haywiresure said it very well...there are many people who don't like, and don't want to be in, debt...but got there not because they were reckless spendingers, but through circumstances that weren't fully under their control. Some, as Sue mentioned, got into debt due to a divorce, others through job cutbacks, family situations, etc. and those who haven't gone through these experiences should count their blessings. As one who absolutely hates having any debt, who put off buying a house till my late 30s because having a mortgage debt scared me, and who never had any debts other than that till now, I can tell you it's much nicer to only have a mortgage payment. But who said life doesn't ever throw a few unexpected curveballs your way? It's how one handles them that makes the difference. As long as the person has a plan, a budget, and is on their way to getting rid of their debt - rather than making more - and doesn't expect anyone else to pay it off for them, I don't have an issue with dating them...If they have a problem with dating me while I'm handling my debts, then that's their loss, IMO. | |
|
| |
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 10:03:03 AM | | The state of a ladies finances isn't something that I've ever really worried about. I am starting to re-think that though. With my last Girlfriend I pretty much supported her. At the time I didn't mind doing that at all, but in the end it bite me in the butt. She left me to go have fun and left me a fair bit behind in some things. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 10:17:23 AM |
I own about 15 pairs of shoes , from dress to sport. However, if I met a man who had the same amount
What? What guy buys lots of shoes?
Your thougts?
I seriously can't see dating anyone who didn't know how to remotely handle their money. My last girlfriend had a problem with using credit cards, and thinking they were free money and it was like shaking a money tree to her. She didn't realize that when debt hits, it will hit hard. (We had plenty of arguments over this....especially after she ended up overdrawing her checking account and getting 6 overdraft charges of a certain amount of money each overdraft.)
I myself don't buy anything I can't afford, or don't already have the money for, or know where the money is coming from. I currently use my bank debit/credit card and tell them to use credit once in awhile to build my credit, but otherwise, I don't even have a credit card, much less a source of credit.
Of course, I was raised by a woman who has the top end of the credit scores. Go figure. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 10:18:08 AM | High credit card debt is normally an indication of lack of patience. The "gotta have it now" mentality person is in for some serious woes down the road if they do not change their habits. This mentality can be changed, but normally only by the person as opposed to someone else.
I won't say that a person that thinks that way can't be happy with a person that has managed their debt, but I think it is unlikely. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 10:26:47 AM | Depends on how much debt there is. If it's enough to to make me gasp...then I would have to pass on that. However, if there are some serious sparks...or even love, I might overlook it. If the person in debt is able to live on their own and all bills are current and the spending spree has stopped, then I don't see why not. Although I would have to consider seperate accounts.  | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 11:00:35 AM | it impacts who u date, anyone who says different is lying or not very smart; depending on what kind of debt, how it was accrued or the explanation for how it was accrued and that persons ability/willingness to repair the damage and avoid compounding it. Those are the factors that make up someone's decision to date/not date a person w/debt issues.
esp once u get married ur life and quality of life is impacted and limited by that persons issues and how they resolved or did not resolve those issuesl | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 11:35:22 AM | Msg: 19
Debt "enslaves" people, and that means mortgages too, IMO. They limit a person's freedom in life choices, IMO. What you own winds up owning you!!! That holds even more for what you owe!!
Nick, I agree with you to a certain extent, but...it depends on the mortgage in question. If a person has a house that's worth $150K and owes $160K on it then yes I think they have problems. A mortgage can either be a liability or an asset.
As I stated earlier, my mortgage is the only debt that I have...everything else that I have is paid for. I just had my house appraised less than a year ago and it's worth three times what my mortgage is. I built my house myself from the ground up six years ago which saved me a lot of money. So not all mortgages "enslaves" people other than the fact that you can't just up and move away as easily as you can if you're renting an apartment. But you are correct that a lot of people get so far in debt that what they own ends up owning them.
Although you do have more freedom if you rent, you are also paying for someone else's assets and in the long run and you have nothing to show for in the future. I would much rather make a house payment than pay rent. | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:43:29 PM |
Given that financial issues are one of the biggest sources of arguments and breakups amongst couples I think it's extremely naive to take this point of view. Maybe if I were a billionaire and could afford to blow money left, right and centre I might feel differently.
Its not naive at all. Its the person you want to be with, not their bank account. | |
|
| |
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:02:41 PM | if its just a date then no it doesn't matter
if he wants to marry me then i'd be concerned. and it would probably make me not want to go there.
a mortgage is a debt i would not want to help pay for. I had a boyfriend who already bought a home before we met. I didn't like the house. I didn't want to help pay for it if we were to tie the knot. its not something i had any choice in the matter of choosing to live at. there was no way i was going to help pay for it. and there was no way i was going to live there.
if it was something i also liked then it would've been a different story.
do mortgages count in your calculation of debt being a deal breaker? | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:04:47 PM | C'mon... we can't chose with whom we fall in love... and from what you are saying, if a person is holding a mortgage, they are undatable?
I don't judge anyone on what their financial situation is... as long as they are working to resolving it... that's good enough for me... | |
|
| Does one's financial debt influence your choice in a potential mate?
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:15:01 PM | ok
so i just read you are referring strictly to credit card debt
i think that's just YOUR OWN personal issue.
my dad has the same attitude as you and i can't stand it. i can't stand people who are totally against credit cards, which i think is you. its not like this is 1929.
i think you have control issues and money is power in your mind, which you use it to control others. that is just how you come off. from your op. what i think is funny is that materialistic people are people who hoard money and never spend it. not even on themselves. or who spend it on themselves and not their own family. and if you see someone spending their own money in a way you don't approve of you get all bent out of shape as if you think they shouldn't have the right to make these purchases or decisions. i think this is a personal issue. i don't like seeing people making this a value judgement or ethics thing, which is how you are sounding. i think people get really crazy when they talk about it. i would wonder what fear is driving you and how rigid and tightfisted you are. is it just with yourself or is it others too.
also i think you just want to 'be right.' when the truth is its just a quirk in your personality, a quirk that could cause unhappiness if you're not more respectful of other's differences. and/or their power.
i do agree i would feel uncomfortable marrying someone knowing he had lots of credit card debt. but it would depend on the circumstances and what his spending habits and expenses are. i just think you come off a little too self righteous in your op. wanting to be right and looking for validation/approval.
if you don't like it then don't marry the guy. no one says you have to. and i sure don't want to be responsible for convincing you to marry a guy who you fear might be taking advantage of you financially. if marrying someone with credit card debt is going to make you insecure and crazy then do yourself and him a favor: don't marry each other. | |
|
Home
login 
