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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 9:52:25 AM | Most often what I have noticed is that incompatibility and failure to recognize it is what gets most people to label someone as a player.
Even then many people are unwilling to admit their own role in getting played as they call it. | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 10:24:58 AM | @000firefighter>>> Ok then . . . perhaps the terminology of player is being overly used here and an incorrect label for some of the behavior encountered by both genders. I was going to say the word fickle may be a better terminology , but after thinking it over, fickle people probably don't go into a relationship to purposefully mislead several people at a time. A fickle person usually will enter a relationship with good intentions but as soon as someone else catches their eye, they're off like a prom dress. They are basically monogamous serial daters.
Online dating sites are not unlike singles' bars. Maybe this is a little worse because there's so many profiles to choose from ~ and we're able to look through them at our own leisure much like we go through clothing catalogs. There seems to be a mindset that there's always someone better waiting to be found at the next click of the mouse.
We also need to keep in mind that some of us pretty much know what attributes we're looking for in a person and the only way to actually find out who genuinely possesses those attributes is to keep searching. I don't consider the person who won't settle for less than what they are looking for as being a player or being fickle.
A player isn't looking for a relationship but leads the victim to believe that is the case. It's all part of his/her "act" ... for lack of a better word. Hence the name "player". A player is the epitome of selfishness.
It's important that we use caution in meeting new people and be up front with our intentions. Purposely leading someone on is cruel. Remembering to treat people with the same respect and honesty we expect to be given shows good character ~ a good heart.
Those are my thoughts on this gorgeous south Florida Sunday afternoon....  | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 10:34:16 AM |
I am playful but I am not a player or an "investor". I may be a playboy, lol, because I love women, not just sex with them! I do not lie, white or fat lies. I do not wish to get married or be in an LTR for the sake of marriage or an LTR, unless unless, it is with a woman who neither WANTS to get married or an LTR. And I am not into 1-niters either or a slat. And I am not into dating "games" or into mind games (or mind ... sex, give or receive). I am neither a nice guy or a bad boy. I am ME.
ha!! nick i loved this -- you're HONEST and that's the critical thing. two thumbs up! 
and to the message two before this one, i think it's actually real important for people to be realistic about the situations they involve themselves in, including the choice to meet people thru online personals.
the fact is? we ARE all, to some extent, vulnerable here -- vulnerable to being lied to and deceived, vulnerable to being hurt. and that includes guys AND gals. to NOT admit that to ourselves is unreasonably defensive and downright... dumb. the person who started this thread has, imho, done the responsible thing by realizing "hey there are some bad people on these sites" and then taking responsibility for that by giving this shout out to all of us and asking for info and suggestions. and good on her for doing that. whereas, your view would seem to foreclose ANY attempt to admit and deal in a direct way with the fact that there ARE people here and on other personals sites who would use others if they could and who are very good at being convincing (aka, 'sociopaths').
cheers all!  | |
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| Question...
Posted: 6/10/2007 11:01:09 AM |
000firefighter: I thought I had met someone really nice. I adored the man. Turns out he was playing a few of us and using the same lines on us all. The reason why he was so nice? To not ruffle any feathers I guess? I don't know. Sometimes men confuse me.
It would have been easier to have just been honest.
...did you ask if he was (virtually or otherwise) seeing anyone else?
Unless someone lies to you, I fail to see how incorrect assumptions made make the other person in the wrong... | |
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| Question...
Posted: 6/10/2007 11:13:00 AM |
000firefighter: I thought I had met someone really nice. I adored the man. Turns out he was playing a few of us and using the same lines on us all. The reason why he was so nice? To not ruffle any feathers I guess? I don't know. Sometimes men confuse me.
It would have been easier to have just been honest.
...did you ask if he was (virtually or otherwise) seeing anyone else?
Unless someone lies to you, I fail to see how incorrect assumptions made make the other person in the wrong...
in online personals, there should never be a need to ask that question since you indicate your relationship status in your profile.
i think it's obvious that his profile disclosed his status as "single."
my profile says i'm single, and i am.
if i was seeing someone, my relationship status would read "in a relationship."
simple.
cheers all! | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 11:59:13 AM | I prefer to steer away from the same subject after making my point,
but exceptions are okay sometimes.I do not hesitate to go the extra mile.
For me, statistics are less important than exceptions.
"Lover of life is not a sinner,
ending is just a beginning.
Closer,you get the meaning,
sooner you know that you are DREAMIN'
There's an impression like; guys into songs and lyrics are usually sickos,
you're not superstitious,right?
I was gonna have a sun-bath at the backyard,but it's cloudy here in NewYork today. | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:04:23 PM | | Hey...I have met women who have done these things...so they must be on-line players too...two way street. I am married (technically)...to someone I knew in person, never met her on-line...I am honest with my on-line chats....only wish I would have better searched. Easier to do on here. | |
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JustRo
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Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 58 | |
| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:17:48 PM | OK... What the heck is an online player... I mean, what would be the point.
Also... from some of the "tips" some women gave on here.. ummm.. I sound like an online player. I for one do not give out my home phone number for a few reasons... one being the home phone number gives out too much info on a person, another is I am usually away from home alot so am more accessible by cell. Another "tip" was if he always has an excuse for not being available. Well, believe it or not ladies, some men do have children to raise on their on and actually don't mind spending the time with their kids. I could go on but I find I am getting frustrated at this..lol.. oh well... Just my point of view on some things.
Ro | |
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| So....I take it....
Posted: 6/10/2007 2:26:09 PM | ...the answer to my question is "no"....
in online personals, there should never be a need to ask that question since you indicate your relationship status in your profile.
i think it's obvious that his profile disclosed his status as "single."
my profile says i'm single, and i am.
if i was seeing someone, my relationship status would read "in a relationship."
So I have alwayas read "Single" in that context to mean "not married". I think most other people do as well....especially since here on POF the category is actually labeled...surprise, surprise..."Marital Status"....and the other choices are "Married", "Separated", 'Divorced", "Widowed", 'Living Together" and "Not Single and Not Looking".
That said...the more central point is...
How is it that chatting up...and, ok..."dating" someone constitutes a "relationship"? So...if you email someone...is it a relationship? Talk on the phone...is that a relationship? Meet once...is that the determination of what a relationship is?
Because to me...in my book...until two people decide a relationship exists...no relationship exists. One person doesn't get to decide....and only a fool assumes.
This is 2007. If a person not prepared to take ownership for their safety (vis-a-vie STDs) and emotions...as in ASKING the questions you want answers to, versus ASSUMING the other person is on the same page as you...then they probably should not be dating.
All IMHO... | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 2:47:45 PM | ummm.. I sound like an online player.
I can well understand your frustrations here. There are exceptions to every rule and as I posted earlier, it's difficult to distinguish the people who are genuinely searching for the one who possesses the attributes they desire in a person from the bonafide player aka womanizer. It's the people who say they're looking for an LTR knowing full well that is not their real intention. There are honest people here that say the reason for being here is to make friends and/or dating. I respect them for being honest and find absolutely nothing wrong with it. As a matter of fact, I may change my reason from LTR to dating because when it comes right down to it, friends/dating are precursory to LTRs.
You're absolutely correct about giving out too much information on the outset ~ I give out my cell phone # and take some other precautionary measures for my own safety, also.
These "tips" are given in answer to the OP's thread to gain insight to some possible signs to make her aware that there are some unscrupulous people out there. The tips given here don't suggest that because a guy or a woman may happen to fit one or more of the descriptions that he or she is a player.
It's a crying shame that we have to be this precautionary but it's the, as someone mentioned earlier, cause and effect that dictates reactions. It's too common place that the actions of a few make it bad for the majority.
OT> I noticed you're wearing a Pompano Beach shirt in one of your photos... if that's the same one as the one here in south FL ~ it's the next town over from Ft. Lauderdale. Were we neighbors at one time? | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 3:01:20 PM | hi gogo, you said:
So I have alwayas read "Single" in that context to mean "not married". I think most other people do as well....especially since here on POF the category is actually labeled...surprise, surprise..."Marital Status"....and the other choices are "Married", "Separated", 'Divorced", "Widowed", 'Living Together" and "Not Single and Not Looking".
That said...the more central point is...
How is it that chatting up...and, ok..."dating" someone constitutes a "relationship"? So...if you email someone...is it a relationship? Talk on the phone...is that a relationship? Meet once...is that the determination of what a relationship is?
Because to me...in my book...until two people decide a relationship exists...no relationship exists. One person doesn't get to decide....and only a fool assumes.
yea, i looked and you're right -- it does say marital status. which doesn't really answer the question. so, i stand corrected. at the same time, i don't ever recall asking a guy if he's hitched. i think everybody assumes (perhaps wrongly) that if you're chatting them up on an online personals site, you're not in a relationship. why would they assume anything else?
...but that shouldn't mean they assume you aren't dating.
i agree with you there -- it takes a good deal of time to get to being exclusive with someone or to say 'we're in a relationship' -- that is and should be far from automatic (what meaning does it have if it IS automatic? not much i think), and it should never be automatically assumed that if you're seeing someone he isn't seeing others. i think you should consider yourself in a relationship only AFTER you have had a conversation about it and agreed that that indeed is what you are in...
altho, i didn't read the message you had responded to as being about that. i thought she was saying that the dude was lying to a bunch of women at the same time about being exclusive with each one of them.
and by the way, that does fit within my definition of a player. while dating multiple people at the same time because you're not ready to be exclusive with anyone yet certainly does not.
the kicker, as i've said before, is honesty. if dude tells me he isn't seeing anyone else when he is? bad news. if i am SEEING someone and i want to know if he's seeing anyone else? well, that's easy -- i'll just ask. about all this kind of stuff, i think it comes down to communication communication communication -- but that theory assumes that the communication is honest and open.
ciao all! | |
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| Turns out Merf dear...
Posted: 6/10/2007 3:30:44 PM | ...we are on exactly the same page.
I am NOT defending lying **stards. I AM defending those guys who, like me, are NOT looking for a serious relationship, but are also NOT looking to embrace celibacy.
My profile says I am interested in "dating".
My profile is clear that I am not looking for anything "super serious"....and that neither exclusivity or commitment should be assumed initially.
If a woman has problems with these things...she is free to not chose to message / chat with / meet me.
As it tuns out however, many (well...certainly enough, as it turns out) women are perfectly comfortable with this, and in fact might be wanting the same thing.
I am just sick of the ones who apparently cannot read (or hear, given that we reviewed the "state of the union" on a seemingly weekly basis and covered off on these points).
Yes damn it...I got burned. Fortunately, I have a couple female friends who do think of themselves as self-empowered and self actualized non victims who assured me I had done no wrong. Indeed...one has told me that I go overboard...that I am more open to a "relationship" than I am probably conveying, and might be scaring away the "right woman", because I am so focused on trying to live my life with integrity and not deceive anyone.
Anyway...just saying...short of being deceived...women should lighten up on the "victim" angle if they really want to gain and retain respect from men. Last time I checked it takes TWO to have consensual sexual intercourse...so unless you were lied to or raped...whatever happened is on you for not taking steps to make sure it did not...
Again...all IMHO.... | |
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| Turns out Merf dear...
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:21:20 PM |
As it tuns out however, many (well...certainly enough, as it turns out) women are perfectly comfortable with this, and in fact might be wanting the same thing.
I am just sick of the ones who apparently cannot read (or hear, given that we reviewed the "state of the union" on a seemingly weekly basis and covered off on these points).
yep, and there are guys who are like this also.
once, a guy i had talked to on IM once or twice (never met, hadn't even talked on the phone) asked me if i was seeing or talking to anyone else. and i said, well, 'yes, of course i am -- but why are you asking me this question at this point? i don't even know you, and you don't know me, isn't this premature?' and he said no. then he said i should contact him only if there is no one else i am talking to or thinking of meeting, only then would he even want to talk to me. in other words, he wanted us to be exclusive at the point of first contact, immediately.
i was shocked by this.
and also very sure that i was not at all interested in him.
cheers all!  | |
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D-E-N
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Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 64 | |
| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:48:00 PM | | I could not agree with you more. Intuition is everything, in most cases that is, but you still have to dare a little bit and trust in the integrity of people. Better yet: stretch the whole dating thing out a ways and don't give in to temptation. Remember...that's why they're there in the first place and the guy (or girl) will tire of the chase soon to wander off to prey on the weak and the wounded. | |
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JustRo
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Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 65 | |
| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 6:59:04 PM | Dreamers... Yes that is the one, but I only went there for a week just to get away. I had a great time. No it wasn't on march break...lol. was june actually..lol.. I am from Canada.
Ro | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/10/2007 9:50:46 PM | I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your tips, hints, tricks, comments....etc. It's really helpful to someone new to this "online" dating thing to know I'm not the only one putting myself out there and getting burned by it. I just have to add one more little "how do you know if..." that I discovered. If they say "don't let the physical distance deter you", you might think twice. I had a man do all the things you have commented on. He was intelligent sounding, said all the right things, complimented me profusely, told me he thought he'd found "the one"...blah, blah, blah. So, I invited him to IM. It only took one session for me to figure him out when he simply went offline right in the MIDDLE of the conversation! Hmmm... I think what really makes me angry is that there are great people like me just looking to find decent, HONEST people to connect with, and there are those out there that spoil it by having to lie, cheat and generally cause a feeling of mistrust. I'm 45 years old and come from the dating age when computers didn't exist. At least when you met someone in person, you could look in their eyes, check for the telltale white band on their ring finger...etc. Well, so much for that! Guess that gut feeling and cynical (sadly) outlook will have to suffice! | |
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| Turns out Merf dear...
Posted: 6/12/2007 8:33:25 AM |
I am NOT defending lying **stards. I AM defending those guys who, like me, are NOT looking for a serious relationship, but are also NOT looking to embrace celibacy.
My profile says I am interested in "dating".
My profile is clear that I am not looking for anything "super serious"....and that neither exclusivity or commitment should be assumed initially.
If a woman has problems with these things...she is free to not chose to message / chat with / meet me.
As it tuns out however, many (well...certainly enough, as it turns out) women are perfectly comfortable with this, and in fact might be wanting the same thing.
I am just sick of the ones who apparently cannot read (or hear, given that we reviewed the "state of the union" on a seemingly weekly basis and covered off on these points).
Yes damn it...I got burned. Fortunately, I have a couple female friends who do think of themselves as self-empowered and self actualized non victims who assured me I had done no wrong. Indeed...one has told me that I go overboard...that I am more open to a "relationship" than I am probably conveying, and might be scaring away the "right woman", because I am so focused on trying to live my life with integrity and not deceive anyone.
Anyway...just saying...short of being deceived...women should lighten up on the "victim" angle if they really want to gain and retain respect from men. Last time I checked it takes TWO to have consensual sexual intercourse...so unless you were lied to or raped...whatever happened is on you for not taking steps to make sure it did not...
Again...all IMHO....
QFE
I've been called a player several times by those who I told upfront what I want by the:
I am just sick of the ones who apparently cannot read (or hear, given that we reviewed the "state of the union" on a seemingly weekly basis and covered off on these points).
people
You hit the nail on the head man. | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/12/2007 7:31:53 PM | I find that the "online player" shows himself right away. He's usually someone who shares very little about himself. He's the guy that calls you and then has to go very suddenly off the phone because he has another call coming in or his "mother is ill."
Also I would beware of any guy who is in a rush to meet you or call you on the phone. As quickly as he gave you his number he will give it out to others. And anyone who is separated? FORGETTA BOUT IT!!! IT'S BULLSHIT. That usually means "my wife is in the other room watching the kids, while I'm sitting here talking to you, hoping to get a bit on the side." A married guy is a married guy. PERIOD. Good God man give yourself time to get back on your feet and figure out what you want. And that little voice inside that screams CREEP FACTOR? LISTEN TO IT!
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/12/2007 7:40:08 PM | Well, thats why I dont play the game and talk to them forever, I meet them. I can read people pretty well in person. If they dont want to meet, oh well. Meet in a public coffee house and see what kind of person they are. Good luck.  | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/12/2007 8:54:43 PM |
Players are no different online from the way they are in the real world.... some of them are really obvious~so obvious it's laughable. If I'm in the mood, I'll even play their game with them for a while. It's easy not to get emotionally involved with them.
I've done this one too! Quite entertaining until once in awhile you get one that gets all psycho mad on you. 
In regard to players, actions speak louder than words. Even the best players can't keep their act up 100% of the time. Learning how and which questions to ask can sometimes let you see behind the smoke and mirrors. | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/12/2007 9:15:04 PM | I have met many on this system. A long time ago when internet dating was a novelty, I actually had great dates on Lavalife and met my ex. We have since split and now the system is loaded with players, creeps, and still the "nice" guy (if only you could tell which ones are them), etc.
The signs I found are:
1. He keeps cancelling your date and rescheduling because he thinks he has found an upgrade to you and has really poor excuses to change plans.
2. He cancels the date because he can get laid on the first date by someone else (again, it is suddenly).
3. He has large gaps between your dates so he squeezes other dates in but keeps telling you how wonderful you are.
4. He is always ready to text message you and can track you whenever you are on.....scary....
Basically, not all of us have that much overtime or out of business travel. If that is a common excuse or he just didn't show or call to apologize - Voila!! Now trying to find a sincere guy through all this.....good luck!! | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/13/2007 8:38:16 AM | I've recently been played by a guy I met off here (lostsurferinbc)...we started seeing each other and both said we weren't seeing anyone else....then a over a month later he left his messenger on when he went to work and a girl messaged him....he told me that he had told everyone that he had a girlfriend so I just said he was at work, this is his g/f and nice to meet you....well eventually found out he had been sleeping with her for almost 3 weeks....he denied sleeping with her, but my intuition knew it was true....I used to think while I was in the shower that he was probably talking to other girls....I should have listened...I just put it down to me being jaded and not being able to trust anyone...turns out he slept with at least 2 girls while we were together...
I think one sign of a player is they always tell you what you want to hear when you ask relationship type questions, they never voluteer anything...also sometimes they don't call or you can't get a hold of them when they said they would be available...only to tell you later that they were out drinking with the boys or something like that...also if they don't change their profile from single to not single not looking...also if he wants to sleep with you the first time he meets you, then he doesn't respect you and he may be a player...
I suggest getting to know guys on and off the computer before becoming intimate with them....if they pressure you to have sex then kick them to the curb....if the guy is really interested in you they will wait to have sex with you and will enjoy the time getting to know you...the one thing about players is that they know how to make you feel really good about yourself but the ultimate reason for doing so is to get you into bed...goodluck to you....there are fewer players on here than good guys, you just have to learn how to weed out the bad to find the good... | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/13/2007 11:43:14 AM | | There probably are online players, but the site encourages this. Most women here say they want to chat and see what happens. I have been alone for six years after being divorced, and now I need to start sharing my life with another significacnt other. Life is short and I want to make the most of it. So I put out a few lines(fishing) to see what I can attract. I don't put out to many lines , because like you said, they lose track of who they are talking too. Thats embarassing and turns women off. When I get a fish on the line, then I start reeling in the other ones. I guess what I am saying is that untill you start to commit to someone, you are not the only one out there, but guys have some respect for the ones your playing and release them. Women also use this method, because I find most are looking for the looker, not the keeper. | |
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| Clues that he's an online player ..
Posted: 6/13/2007 9:17:00 PM |
A long time ago when internet dating was a novelty, I actually had great dates on Lavalife and met my ex. We have since split and now the system is loaded with players, creeps, and still the "nice" guy (if only you could tell which ones are them), etc.
Yes, my EXACT experience too Cinn Girl! Back then (~1997) most of them were nice computer geeks and many were pretty honest. I dated a guy and dated him for about 6 months.
Online dating now is pretty much a joke. | |
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