| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/22/2008 8:52:21 AM | Nope cos they don believe they have problems. My ex abused me bad and im sure he'd do it again. I very rarely got apology just excuses like you wound me up , you know how i get!.
This is why their cycle is a hard one to break cos they think theyre right! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/22/2008 8:59:44 AM | | I personally feel that abusers, both male and female are unhinged in some way. I woud like to add, that we all have a personal responsability for our own wellbeing. So, if our gut instint tell us that there is something not quite right with someone, we should run for the hills.... never think that anyone will change, you cannot change them, only they can, with professional help. Most abusers do not acknowledge that they have a problem and hence will never seek help. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/22/2008 12:34:52 PM |
that we all have a personal responsability for our own wellbeing.
Bingo! And that is precisely where the victims of abuse (as adults) have a share of accountability in the abusive relationship. They are not responsible for the abuse, but they certainly are responsible for their own choices that brought them into the relationship in the first place. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:52:08 AM | I believe Angelheart has a point but Id like to say that some people are nuturerers and they do happen to select situations or friends that need help, even includinging themselfs they see whatever solutions as answers and progress. They may be attracted to the choice if you Love someone and we make our problems go away the accomplishment would be worth it. For the abusive partner and themselfs poof all better. Unfortunately where things worked out with maybe friends and family once she becomes part of the abusers life she is included in his problems and the entaglement doesnt have a solution to her desires. Maybe we are stuck by our choices that create our desire not the desire to choice.
The Moth that gets too close too the FLAME
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:13:27 AM | NO this is not a self pitty treat (the last on got deleted) I just am wondering myself what the answer is.... wanted to put it on the table...
People have several ways of self management the worse the situation are and the worse the role behaviors are -rewards detrmines how helpful manipulation of power base becomes and self-responsiblty deminishs leaving the causes and the consequences meaning next to nothing for a abuse and the negative self image leaving destorted concepts of what is fair or respected by these people. you could only do yourself a favor by esablishing your own boundaries even if they are scorned by the abuser.Boundaries like what you are doing right know researching and seeing how to get behavoir modles from. As for known intentions about abuse self-denial is a biggy yes they can show the side that is charming, which is a bit manipulative but they might care about a fresh start. You be the Jud ge is the charm a ploy or is it a personality trait that is nice without no intentions. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:21:09 AM | | well i was married to an abuser once also. my first husband. before we married we dated two yrs he never touched me. after we married he began beating me up all the time. so i would say they do know that they are gonna do it jsut most are not dumb enough to do it before marriage. it is controlling a person however it never worked with me. i toook the beatings and he spend alot of time in jail. thats the life we had but i ended it permanently with divorce. i left to never return while he was in jail. so no they go into it thinking once ur mine im gonna take over. any sign at all of an abuser whether its verbal or with fists...leave immediatley. first time his fault, second time you fault. never let there be a second time. when they say sorry ....tell them yes they are a sorry sob and leave for good. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:27:44 AM | Abusers ...men or women....know their audience.
They always start w/ a trial run to see if they can get by w/ their BS.
If they can....then they'll go for it.
If they can't...then they usually move on to somebody more receptive.
Bottom Line: If the relationship that your new romance was involved in before you, ended for suspicious or unclear reasons, then you should suspect abuse.
Do some homework and ask a LOT of questions.
If you don't like the answers...or the answers aren't complete...move on.
Abusers can only abuse enablers. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:08:40 PM |
Abusers can only abuse enablers.
Yep...and when last I checked, "enabler" still begins as a "volunteer" position. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/9/2008 8:58:25 PM | What you're talking about is arrogance - it's a person who thinks they can judge you, make determinations about who is worthy, and then try to control you. There are signs to these kinds of people that everyone should learn to read and avoid. Remember, abuse can also be clever and passive - if we're smart, we're using e-dating to screen and avoid bad eggs, so here's some pointers:
1. Conversation - They form snap judgments and aren't easily swayed in their opinions. They point out the faults of others and use a "one up" style of communication that allows them to appear "best." They often prefer to be the center of attention, are often loud, and tend to interrupt. They use certain tones of voice in order to influence opinions.
2. Body Language - They tend to stand with their feet somewhat far apart; in fact, they tend to stand when speaking. They often categorize people, and will position themselves in a conversation based on the status they perceive in relation to themselves (generally seen as maintaining certain postures, inflections, eye levels, etc.). They use aggressive gestures to make a point or illustrate an interaction.
3. Manipulation - They want answers to their questions right away, try to discern if you're hip enough, or expect you to be a quick study. They compare you to others without really letting you know how you measure up. They find ways to make you uncomfortable (sometimes in conjunction with rescuing you from the feeling they gave you to keep you from recognizing what they're doing). | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 12:25:12 AM | | After being with an abusive man for 10 years, I truly belive that they have no idea that they are abusive. They project all of their faults on the victim and turly beleive that they are the ones being abused and are the victims. they are truly delusional. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 12:27:41 AM | | I do not know and I do not even care. All I know is that if you are with an abuser, get the hell out of there and stay out. But way too many women do not heed this advice and live to regret it. Or, do not live. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 2:46:39 AM |
I truly belive that they have no idea that they are abusive. They project all of their faults on the victim and turly beleive that they are the ones being abused and are the victims. they are truly delusional.
Ehhh, I disagree that all abusers have no idea that they are abusive. They know exactly what they are doing on some level - comparable to an alcoholic taking the next drink even though for that person it's an addiction.
Projection? Oh yes - absolutely. Conversely, the victim also projects on the abuser. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 3:04:50 AM | | is it even worth your time thinking about that? Relationships are supposed to be fun and something that enriches your life.... a guy should be making you smile and feel like a queen, if he can't do that, move on, there is better out there.... don't waiste your time even thinking about it. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 4:59:41 AM | | Been there and done that. My ex was abusive and controlling. For three years we dated and then i fell pregnant. As soon as i moved in he changed over night. To this day he doesnt believe he has a problem even though he admitted it in court. I feel sorry for men like that as they are stuck in their own ways and dont realise that their actions make a difference to so many lives. My son and I are really happy as its been 4 years since i left him. They dont change, just get worse so best pack your bags and run!!! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 5:22:59 AM | | i was mentally and physically abused as a child and have spoken to ppl in the same experience of that life and have found some do blame others for this behavior but i find that to be weak i would never lay my hands on a female as i think that is as low as one could get but the thing bout all this is it was my mother that abused me etc but not all females are the same girls dont put up with it you are all better than that call the cops get them in jail take care all | |
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| The mind of an abuser Ladyred
Posted: 3/10/2008 5:34:17 AM | | U are so right girl in every thing u say. Many of us hit this path and its only when we do some self discovery can we c it. I read the link DONT FEED THE VAMPIRE if u dont feed it they will move on 2 there next meal. Heal after ur many lunches with the vampire because there next lunch when they dined with u was around the corner quicker than U thought. God Bless xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 4:11:54 PM | | i think that they do go in with the intention but of course who would know but them. basically i was in one hell of a relationship he was violent, mind controlling, jealous possessive he led me to a point where i believed and trusted no one because i thought hey if he loved me so much (which at the time i believed) who can i trust now? he tried to spoil relationships with anyone he could so i would be this vulnerable person and he nearly succeeded but my one good friend picked me up and saved me from that nasty man it has taken one year to come to terms with and still feel the effects today but i say to myself hey you always met nice people before him there is nothing wrong with you and now i believe it but its taken that long to .... | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/10/2008 4:51:32 PM |
i think that they do go in with the intention but of course who would know but them.
IMO...yes to intention, but their "agenda" is rooted in a distorted self-preservation concept.
and still feel the effects today
Very true, and just about the time the effects seem to have diminished, something in an interaction with someone else with send you spiraling emotionally back to that time. I call those "triggers". Be aware that this element will take much longer to diminish than a year and you won't necessarily recognize them when they hit. Sort of like a post-traumatic reaction. I still encounter these "triggers" to this day much less frequently than the first fews years when I fled my abuser, but have learned that awareness at least that they are there goes a long way in helping me to step back when I find myself reacting disproportionate to the situation.
Actually - stepping out of the box, we are all different, not wrong or right. Nothing wrong at all with being different.  | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:37:24 AM | I truly belive that they have no idea that they are abusive. They project all of their faults on the victim and turly beleive that they are the ones being abused and are the victims. they are truly delusional.
I totally disagree with you there about they have no idea, i was abused for 17yrs, he terrified, blackmailed and abused me terribly, all he could say was,' I was in control
, i knew what i was i doing, and you asked for it
After i finally found the courage to leave him, his last remarks were, How can you do this to me i love you and you have no right.
A loepard neve changes his spots
Ihave never looked backed since, | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:19:11 AM |
I totally disagree with you there about they have no idea, i was abused for 17yrs, he terrified, blackmailed and abused me terribly, all he could say was,' I was in control
, i knew what i was i doing, and you asked for it
After i finally found the courage to leave him, his last remarks were, How can you do this to me i love you and you have no right.
First of all, I commend you for the immeasurable courage it took to leave after 17 years. In the context of your experience, I have no doubt that your abuser had reached the cognitive level of specific intent to control.
I agree that the abuser is well aware on a level of cognition of exactly what they are doing. However, these are out of control irrationally thinking people. They feel in control by getting their victims out of control. Whatever tactic the abuser deems necessary to feel in control is what he/she is going to dish out. In their irrational and distorted thinking, they are the victims. It is what it is. I call it comparable to a psychotic episode that doesn't resolve on the part of the abuser.
Can they control this within themselves? No - they can't.
Is it their specific intent to cause all manner of harm to their victims whom they actually do love - as perverse as that sounds? No - that isn't the intent at all.
Do they feel guilty after each incident? Yes - I believe they do yet can't handle the torment of knowing they have hurt the one they love so their method of coping with the guilt is to project it on the victim.
Are they sincere when they express remorse and promise to change? I believe they are at that moment very sincere.
Are they able to follow through on their promises to change? No, they are not capable of it.
Can abusers stop being abusers? Given the availability of rescuer/enabler types, most of them continue the cycle with someone else. I think it's a fair statement that most abusers don't change and certainly have no hope of changing without extensive professional therapy at a minimum depending on the root causes leading to their behaviors and such. Only the abuser can seek that level of intervention and the abuser has to find motivation within his/her self to do the work necessary to change.
Can we truly understand the mind of the abuser? Not without becoming one ourselves.
Of more value than understanding the mind of the abuser, IMO, is to look at what we missed at the onset that we should have seen, but didn't see. Then, figure out why we didn't see what was right there all along. Figure out for ourselves what our personal boundaries are and don't relinquish those boundaries for anyone no matter how "right" it feels at the time. A healthy viable relationship partner will respect your boundaries. A potential abuser will manipulate around your boundaries until before you recognize it as such, you have relinquished them.
A favorite modus operandi is the abuser presenting as a victim, most of them are actually so technically it's not a lie but it's not the complete truth either. I have found in my own personal experiences that the most blaring red flag so easily overlooked is that it's always someone else's fault, he/she is stuck on the blame train and never, even in the earliest elements of the relationship steps off that train. Instead, rides the blame train to the next station which is the new relationship partner. A lot of victims have their own issues, many being survivors of child abuse and are vulnerable to identifying emotionally on that level with the abuser. It's bait - that abuser seeks validation that he/she was in fact so victimized and his/her life is so wonderful now that "you" are in his life. Oversimplified perhaps, but the easiest way to not be a victim of abuse is don't bite the bait! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/21/2008 11:44:13 AM | One thing I think we'd like to know is how to recognize an abuser. (Is it a fair label even, since they also claim to be victims.)
One sign I see is personal attacks. Instead of dealing with an issue on its merits, the "anbuser" ridicules the other. I see at a lack of respect at a very basic level, and this lack of respect can branch to violence or on-going verbal abuse.
I'm sure there is a range of abusers. I wonder if many of us well-meaning people, given someone compliant may inadvertently go down the path of an abuser. For a lifetime of love and mutual support, we probably need to watch our own behaviour and that of our partners and help each other be loving.
And if the other person can't see the challenge, or rise to it, then the relationship needs to terminate. And if we know that we are taking advantage of the other, we need to face the situation and address it through counseling, or other relationship building activities.
If we're finding ourselves resenting or looking down on the other person, this has to be considered a flag for further exploration/learning/change. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:46:30 AM |
If we're finding ourselves resenting or looking down on the other person, this has to be considered a flag for further exploration/learning/change.
Actually, if we find ourselves in such a position - it's a huge indicator that there are control dynamics in play and potentially covert aggression, as well as manipulation. Both partners, IMO. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:52:40 AM | | Abuser are insecure a**es who feel they have no control of their own lives therefore have a need to control someone else's. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:07:40 AM |
Abuser are insecure a**es who feel they have no control of their own lives therefore have a need to control someone else's.
And victims are as insecure as abusers, believing they have no control over their own lives which is why victims relinquish personal boundaries so readily. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/28/2008 1:30:59 PM |
Ehhh, I disagree that all abusers have no idea that they are abusive. They know exactly what they are doing on some level - comparable to an alcoholic taking the next drink even though for that person it's an addiction.
I totally disagree here. I've known men and women that were abusive and a lot of times they pretend to play the victim, that it is the world that is doing something to them and they are only defending and protecting what they think is rightfully their. | |
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