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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 3:56:07 PM | re howbig
your references to chemical imbalances in the brain plus misfirings of it electrical circuitry due to brain injury or genetic deficiencies is specifically my knowledge of the subject as it would apply to my ex. But i believe also that as he himself has declared he KNOWS his behaviour is wrong and admits to just being a mean SOB. So there ya have it - he consciously KNOWS that he is wrong by committing these outbursts and yet CHOOSES to continue blaming others around him - who may or may not be the ROOT cause of his distresses at any given time. He did suffer a head injury at age 15 and yes he has gotten 'worse' clinically as he ages - as is typical with these types. But He also SHOULD at least TRY to control his impulses and outbursts. He wont stay on meds - as is typical as well with these more 'advanced' cases.  | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:28:57 PM | He did suffer a head injury at age 15 and yes he has gotten 'worse' clinically as he ages - as is typical with these types. But He also SHOULD at least TRY to control his impulses and outbursts. He wont stay on meds - as is typical as well with these more 'advanced' cases.
Head injury, aka traumatic brain injury (varying degrees), is not a "type" and the PERSON surviving one is a PERSON, not a thing. Medications can help minimize distractions, control seizures (often of the mild complex type that a partner would not have awareness of what was happening), anxiety - to name some examples. However, what medication CANNOT do is fix the damaged neurons or axons. Nor can medication resolve the other complexities of a TBI. Over-simplified, but unlike the person who functions without an injured brain and thereby can operate with an automatic transmission - the post-TBI person has to function with a manual transmission, not to mention run on an engine in which sparkplugs are misfiring on top of that.
I would say to anyone involved in a relationship with someone who has sustained head trauma, or even acquired brain injury (i.e. stroke, etc), to at a minimum contact the Brain Injury Association for a local support group. Understanding the "hidden" consequences of brain injury can alleviate MANY misunderstandings for BOTH partners, not to mention diminish MANY assumptions. It's only in the past decade that it has become recognized that even a simply concussion absent a loss of consciousness can result in lifelong impairments.
Intelligence remains intact, yet that fact creates even more barriers to engaging the partner's understanding of what is REALLY going on, particularly when one assumes the other can control impulses and outbursts when in fact they can't at that moment. Especially in a frontal lobe injury. Especially if there is an underlying partial complex seizure disorder involved. The partner would not observably notice such a seizure as it is incomplete and invisible - not like petit mal or grand mal. Yet it would in fact impact on outbursts that appear to be impulsive and controllable, when at that moment they are not at all.
he consciously KNOWS that he is wrong by committing these outbursts and yet CHOOSES to continue blaming others around him - who may or may not be the ROOT cause of his distresses at any given time.
I would imagine he heard enough to cognitively eventually connect the dots. Blame is a two-way street and someone is still very ANGRY about her ex's behavior. WWJD?
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:12:51 PM | The more that I have reflected upon the essence of negative emotions, and thought about a concept known as the "pain body" ( Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"), I am starting to reference it increasingly as the "Dark Entity".
Set aside physiological factors such as brain trauma or neuro-chemical imbalances. A person has a dual character shaped by the positive and negative experience in their life. The dark aspects of your personality feed and grow on the negative emotions that it creates, just as the light aspects of your personality feed and grow with positive emotions. A simple test is to write 20 positive words. Reading words like sunny, orange, joy etc. lift your spirits while reading words like gloom, mold, despair sends them plummetting. Once a person gets into the negative mode, then might do some really stupid things (how else would you describe abuse).
In addition, anger is sometimes a misplaced expression of pain. Think of the last time you stubbed your toe. Did you cry or stomp around a bit turning the air blue. As children, we learned a lot of the way to express ourselves by modelling our behavior from the perceived "normal" behaviour of our social environment. I suspect that abusers may also have learned some wrong lessons. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:35:01 PM |
anger is sometimes a misplaced expression of pain. Think of the last time you stubbed your toe. Did you cry or stomp around a bit turning the air blue. As children, we learned a lot of the way to express ourselves by modelling our behavior from the perceived "normal" behaviour of our social environment. I suspect that abusers may also have learned some wrong lessons.
More I think that the root of anger is pain. The greater the anger, the deeper the pain.
Abusers (and also victims) as children used whatever strategies were necessary to survive whatever degree of abuse (perceived or factual) when children. However, more often than not, the very skills that empowered them to survive childhood somewhat intact, are not appropriate in adulthood. Theoretically, comparable to being in a foreign country not knowing the language, when transitioning into adulthood, they only know what they know worked within the scope of their life experience at that point. Factor in also the "messages" taught in childhood without going into a whole dissertation here.
It's that latter factor that diminishes ones ability to even seek appropriate help when it can be most preventative, mostly fear IMO. Factor in that they can't relate to "normal" people as they never learned. So what happens? They gravitate towards what they relate to: someone who experienced a comparable childhood. A non-fiction fatal attraction. I think it's a fair statement that most abusers are cowards.
They don't appear that way to their victims and certainly are skilled and adept at controlling their victims. In truth, they are cowards who simply afraid (and to some degree, even their victims struggle with the same dilemma). It's a double bind in effect. They know they are out of control, yet it's compounded by all those "records" from childhood playing over and over again about what was wrong with them or what they did wrong, etc. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in that they become the very person they never wanted to be.
Very sad actually, and so unnecessary. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 8:18:53 PM | | the behaviour is wired into their brain like programmed...they knowingly get into relationships aware of past patterns. Do intentions really come into play here.....no! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:54:55 PM | | ...well i am no longer with him - the mere fact that I understand (thru study) what was wrong with him means I am better informed; consequently, I hold no grudges or angers and certainly no ill will toward him who is himself quite ill. I do agree that there were times when i seriously doubted his abilities to control his actions - but he also admitted that he deliberately caused mental anguish because 'it worked' - Thereby getting his way. That to me of course does not mean he is in any way normal or balanced emotionally even though he is cognizant of his aberrant behaviour. Nonetheless he is still ill and needs to be professionally monitored - which he tends to shy away from. I can't be grudging toward someone so dysfunctional - regardless of WWJD that just isnt the appropriate emotion concerning this mind of an abuser. I really hope this last comment is satisfactory with lady angel - because i will not be commenting or defending my thots any further - if someone hasn't walked a mile in my mocasins - they certainly should not sit in smug judgement lest they themselves be judged. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 5/31/2008 11:13:10 PM | if someone hasn't walked a mile in my mocasins - they certainly should not sit in smug judgement lest they themselves be judged.
LOL - who is judging? Or would assuming be the proper word choice?
Relevant to the topic at hand, another aspect of the mind of the abuser is covert aggression. It can take many forms. A classic example is actually in the above quoted element of a post in this thread. A frequent method is to hide under the cloak of religion, painting the words yet lacking the actions to support the words. Abusers view themselves as victims and aggressively resist any efforts to break through their wall of denial.
A classic modus operandi is when hearing something they don't like. First reaction is to covertly control by taking an element of truth and distorting it to fit the intended result to in effect cease that which they don't want to hear. Basically resisting the truth they need to hear so they can avoid taking personal responsibility for their own actions. It's a form of covert aggression.
If the desired results are not attained in the first attempt, then the second effort is more forceful, relatively a blend of covert and more overt aggression. Each stage becomes more overtly aggressive until the abuser achieves his or her goal. Some will back down in public settings as preserving the illusion of "victim" is as important to the abuser in public as controlling the real victim is in private.
Abuser's frequently hide behind the cloak of religion, purporting to be acting in line with their religion yet it is only an illusion they create to establish credibility and trust in their victims. Actually, some of them are so skilled at the covert aggression, which is in fact present at the onset of relationships with abusers, that it slips beneath the partner's internal radar.
By the way and OT since an element of this was included in a post:
In context, the correct Bible reference is
1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew Chapter 7. NKJV
P.S. I took the plank out of my own eye a long while ago.
regardless of WWJD that just isnt the appropriate emotion concerning this mind of an abuser
I feel so badly for your ex. Did you try to tell him also how he was supposed to feel and try to parent him as well in what you judged to be appropriate or inappropriate? By the way, WWJD is not an emotion. By the way, I am quite adept at parenting myself. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:38:11 AM | soul union - nice little piece of sarcasm - rest assured that at least some of us are aware that anyone is capable of being the abuser, and the abused is not always of the opposite gender or in a partnership relationship - it could be a different familial relationship or even a coworker situation in the case of emotional/mental abuse....it's just that more women are feeling that is safe to talk about their experiences these days. Also, roles in this type of interaction can switch during the course of the relationship as the hurt and anger pile up.
recognition is the key to liberation - if we read what other people have experienced, we may recognize our own patterns and be able to effect the change needed within ourselves, whichever role we may have in this type of relationship, to end the cycle... | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:43:02 AM | Yes - I am sure abusers are on the look out for 'Victims' all the time.
And agree with the first sign of control: run run run and dont stop. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:32:34 AM | leagueofextraordinarymen wrote:
****** I feel some people are implying that one day this person decided to become an abuser. I would think it started as a child or a very young adult. I'm curious to know if it does only manifest itself in some men/women in their later years and then what are the triggers. Is it more of a control issue or the thought of actually harming a person in some manner, be it physical or emotional ******
In my ex husband's case, it was something that manifested itself in early childhood. His father had been somewhat abusive to him (not to his older brother). Then his father became gravely ill and was slowly dying from the time my ex was 5 until his father passed when he was 8. His anger and rages began shortly thereafter and he had a mother who was ill-equipped to deal with a child so out of control. She made my ex's older brother the "man of the family." And, whenever my ex would start to rage, his brother would advise his mother to just ignore it so it would stop. And she did. The rages intensified as he got older. His anger was directed at his mother, who he believed had somehow forsaken him in favor of his brother.
I wasn't aware of any of this in the two years we dated before we married. I don't know how a person can hide this kind of behaviour? But I never saw one sign of it until my wedding night... in the hotel after the reception.... and it was so horrifying that I silently cried myself to sleep that night in fear that if he even heard a whimper, he would beat me. The next morning, he remembered nothing of what had transpired the night before.... went about the day as if everything was perfectly fine, and I thought I had to have imagined it or it was just that he was tired.... I explained it away.
A few days a later, on our honeymoon, when it happened again. I had seen a cookie jar I wanted and he had told me no. I got real playful and he went crazy in a store in Disney World. It was so bad that parents were coming over to tell him there were kids in the store. Management asked him to leave. We talked about it and his reason... "If you would just take no for an answer, that wouldn't have happened."
And the blame was consistent. With every episode, it was me who was the problem. If I asked him, "What's wrong?"... his response... "The only thing wrong with me, is you."
I used to sit and contemplate all of it. How could this loving, kind, gentle man I fell in love with, be such a raging monster now? My conclusion, he was right, it had to be me. After all, he wasn't like this before. So, I tried for years to fix every one of my "flaws" and tried to be perfect. But there is no perfect when you're with an abuser. Nothing to them is right and you are the sole reason for their displeasure.
I believe with abusers it comes from some childhood trauma or disfunction. I don't think an abuser is born in later life. And, I think that the victim of that abuse is most likely an enabler because they've been conditioned to believe they somehow deserved it and because they are so bad, they are unworthy of better.
It took me a bout with cancer to slowly start to realize it wasn't me. I did a lot of soul searching, praying, contemplation. One day it was as if a lightbulb in my head was turned on and I swear, at that very moment, while he was screaming and swearing, calling me every name imaginable, throwing, pounding, stomping, etc, I looked at him and thought, "Oh my God, it isn't me, this man has problems and I really can't fix them. And his problems are toxic to me. I need to get out." Then I grew some balls and I did get out.
In his mind, he knows he has a problem. He feels he can't change it. He hates himself for what he is. But I don't think there really is anything you can do to change a lifetime of abuse unless another traumatic event turns that lightbulb on in their head.
Life for me now is such a huge difference. I've never been an angry person... I don't yell or swear at anyone, no name calling, no disrespect. The circle of people around me are very much like me, and I would describe my life as "serene" now. I can only say that if someone is living in an abusive relationship, don't wait as long as I did to get out of it. You DO deserve better than that.
It's so much sweeter being a survivor, than a victim.
Sharzi | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:16:36 AM | | Sharzi, you are so right about that "light bulb coming on in your head". That is what it is like, you go for years sometimes, unable to understand what is the matter with you and why cou can't do things right . Then one day, CLICK, it all pops into place and you wonder "Why could I not see that before?" No one should have to walk on eggshells their whole life. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:39:41 PM | Sharzi wrote:
His father had been somewhat abusive to him (not to his older brother). Then his father became gravely ill and was slowly dying from the time my ex was 5 until his father passed when he was 8. His anger and rages began shortly thereafter and he had a mother who was ill-equipped to deal with a child so out of control.
Stepping out of the box of the child abusive element of the post for a moment, another contributory impact on a child in terms of trauma is the death of a parent or even the prolonged illness of a parent. Trauma is trauma through the eyes of a child and children are not born with the life skills to handle such a loss. Factor in the abusive element precipitating your ex's father's death, the stage was set in effect. His mother's dependence on the older brother who in effect stepped into the parenting role (filling his father's shoes) was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Very sad. Still, it isn't a justification for your ex to behavior hurtfully towards you. At any time as an adult, he could have chosen to seek professional help and worked through his stuff.
It's so much sweeter being a survivor, than a victim.
Even sweeter to be living life rather than merely existing...isn't it?
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:52:50 PM | This issue was recently brought to the fore and when I was reading a blog on Myspace I got a perspective that some might find disturbing but which brought some rather strong feelings out.
About two years ago I began dating a woman who worked for the same company although in a different city. We were about 4 hours apart. She fled, literally fled, her ex who was abusive, alchoholic etc with little more than the clothes on her back. We dated for about a year and although the logistics were tough, it was total love.
Then she went back to becoming a Jehovah's Witness...started studying etc....and that precluded her from dating...they cant date outside of the religion etc and I am Jewish.......(I could do another thread on that whole thing)....but we kept in touch, mostly thru texting and e mails and there was a strong attraction still.
About a year had passed and we would write often several times a day. One day at 6 am I got a call "this is Tim and Im back with my "wife" and you need to stop communicating with her and this better be the last time I call" . He made it sound as if they had moved back in, and were a couple and I wrote her and told her that if she wished not to communicate I would abide by her wishes but didnt appreciate being woken up and didnt know the story....she stated that Tim started some Bible classes and they had seen each other a little but she was mortified that he swiped her phone and violated her privacy. I told her that was the slippery slope of an abuser and she needed to be wary of his controlling tactics. We keep in touch for a few weeks......and I get a phone message that starts with "do you think I called you the last time for my health.....and ended with F-ing Jew"......I emailed her telling her that he would either wind up in court for making threats over the phone.....or he could pay me a visit to see whether he could cash the checks that his mouth was writing .....or he could contact my Krav Maga instructor (ironically what J Lo used to defend herself from an abuser in Enough) and after he signed an injury release we could settle this in a ring.......or he could not call anymore.....any of the first three options would not turn out well for him. I explained that someone can not both be humbled by G-d and turn their entire life around and then make bigoted threats in teh same sentance.....and I was skeptical.....
She apologized and assured me it wouldnt happen again. I said that I was not worried for my saftety but for hers.......we kept in touch but when I brought the calls up to her again she started with Tim wasnt raised like you were and once his Bible studies kick in etc he will make fewer mistakes like this and he will be a more loving person etc......it was like she was totally drinking the Kool Aid that her religion was going to transform him every time I was trying to tell her the warning signs were already there.....
I asked her what would happen if he talked to her son in the same tone.....(he had threatened her son and gotten physical with him)....she droned on about how when Tim is living "in the truth" it wouldnt happen and that both kids were OK coz they know the power of living as a Witness. I ask you what kid, after witnessing violence being visited on his mom is going to condone her going back with him.
She was excusing the whole thing and said he would be fine once he studied more. I can not help but fear for her safety , but even in some of our Krav classes on everything from being jumped at an ATM etc they say that if you witness domestic violence dont get in the middle...stay a safe distance away, use your cell to call the cops because 9 times out of 10 the woman will intercede on behalf of the guy you were risking your neck to protect her from. Im not blaming women for domestic violence but this post said that like me he wouldnt do it , wasnt raised to do it, but has seen time and time again a woman say "at least I know he cares about me". Women who had been hit at a party where the guys were going to teach the dude a lesson were cautioned, leave my BF alone or I will call the cops on you and deny he hit me ......etc. This guy witnessed literally four instances where at the end of the day the woman was protecting her scum boyfriend from getting beat to a pulp for abusing her and begged not to get the cops involved and whenever he had a relationship with a formerly abused woman she broke it off because in his mind he never yelled or bullied or hit and that must have meant he was apathetic
My ex GF was three years removed from this and came back to it.....so my question is , perhaps there is something that on a subconscious level attracts her to it. I am just asking because I dont understand why go back........at some point isnt it a choice that you make in an instance like this .......and therefore something you need to take responsibility for . .....Again nothing would please me more than to teach this jerk a lesson but she picked him to begin dating again......its not my decision to decide who is right or wrong for her.....but you know as do I that if he is exerting control, swiping phone numbers etc at this point....leaving rambling drunk threatening messages at some point the anger will be directed at her.......I hate this dude for what he did to a very nice loving woman......and I fear for what he will do.......but a part of me feels a sense of loss that she chose to take him back......Im not acceptable coz my religion is different......he takes a few classes and is perfectly fine after smacking her around for years......what is that thought process...... | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 1:07:00 PM | | Fun4you....I feel your pain. I also have often wondered why it is that women go back to situations that they KNOW are not good for them. In some situations, I can almost understand. Maybe they have no family and think they have nowhere else to go. But far too often, they are capable of making a clean break and choose not to do it. And I think I pity the children caught in between more than the adult woman who makes such a choice. It's funny how everyone can see the future of such a relationship except the ones involved. I have a feeling in a few months or less you'll be able to write another episode to this story. I feel like I already can myself but at this point it would only be fictional. I must say though, it seems you have handled the situation as well as, or better than could be expected. I wonder how long you can witness an abusive relationship and not become at least a little bitter though. By the way, I first saw Krav Maga on Human Weapon on the history channel! Serious self-defense! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:31:42 PM | angelheart3 wrote:
****** Still, it isn't a justification for your ex to behaviour hurtfully towards you. At any time as an adult, he could have chosen to seek professional help and worked through his stuff. ******
We went for counselling 9 times over the years. 2 years here, 2 years there, 4 years or 1.... didn't matter. Every counsellor/psychiatrist suggested medications because the diagnoses was bi polar, slightly schizophrenic, and manic depressive. I didn't know a person could have all of those, but that was what we'd been told. He refused medication. In the office, with the counsellor sitting right there, he would cry over what he'd been doing to me. But the moment we walked through those doors and got home, I was still the cause of all his problems.
He would have a month or two where he would be better if he was really trying, but all it would take is one episode and it was as if he was "off the wagon" again and it would snowball into full blown rages again. And, again it was the same thing... If only you (meaning me) would not do this or that."
Almost 6 years ago, I got out of the madness. I couldn't take it anymore. I have never been happier. Some nights I sit with no sound at all and just soak in the quiet. It's rejuvenating.
Sharzi | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:25:34 PM | Bud
Thanks. You seem like a nice guy as well and its sometimes sad when you know youve seen the movie before and you know how the script is gounna turn out. Like one of those Road Runner cartoons......
This woman was so appreciative of being treated nicely.........and it was like she had so much untapped potential and it was like seeing a wounded bird come back to life.
I dont want to rant about her religion but it is one that makes it seem as if every other religion is wrong and they are the ones that have it right. And I think perhaps that creates a sense of family and structure and order that some people find comforting. But I know, you know, this jerk just wormed his way back in to the classes to profess to be changed yet immediately becomes emboldened enough to control who she can talk to.
I hope it has a happy ending. I mean Im out there dating, no one that has captured the feeling that I once had but there is this wall partly because of the cult like devotion to the Jehovahs Witness and now the fact that he is putting on a facade of being interested yet acting like the same controlling creep. It is just very frustrating. We would talk and it was like if it wasnt for this one thing we would be perfect.......and then poof.......she walks right back into the same quicksand and after initially acting all mortified that he would do such a thing....she is now making excuses for him......I can almost hear her excusing the bruises or black eyes......
Regarding Krav Maga, you may want to You Tube Krav and Fight Quest...its just like Human Weapon except there is one female instructor that is scary in her intensity.
But here is the thing. They guys (and women) I know that are the most skilled at martial arts are the last people that would ever use it unless it was absolutely necessary.......they get a drink spilled on them.....no problem....some guy takes their parking space etc.....they are never going to act all bad a$$ like a punk.
I texted her son, and told him if his mom or he were ever in any physical danger to not hesitate and reach out. He once texted me that his mom really cared but was just trying to do the right thing (by that I think he meant that she was way deep into this JW thing).....but how do I get thru....I would feel terrible if anything happened to her but what else can you do...you cant talk to someone that doesnt have an open mind | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 7:48:51 PM |
how do I get thru....I would feel terrible if anything happened to her but what else can you do...you cant talk to someone that doesnt have an open mind
No, you can't do anything to get through to her. Her beliefs are driving her actions and it's not as simple as religious beliefs exclusively. If anything, her religion gave her the excuse she was looking for to return. As for you feeling terrible if anything should happen to her, just remember that she chose to go back to this man. She chose that. At the end of the day, no matter what the outcome, she chose to go back.
You've left the door open, yet she in effect has chosen to close her door to you. The only option left is for you to live your life. Too much time spent looking at closed doors behind you and you'll miss the doors that open in front of you. Sad...but true. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:12:18 PM | | You know what oh BOO HOO!! We all have choices in life, if getting abused LEAVE. IMO if you don't leave you two are just as unhealthy and abusive as the so called "abuser" is. Get off the pitty potty. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:43:15 PM | i agree angel - some people are abusers and would never ever admit it. That is part of their therapy - tearing down others, but you know they still have to look in the mirror in the morning and also answer to God someday for their damaging and cutting remarks. Sad but true. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:58:42 PM | Ladydi8, TheLionsDaughter, et al hit the nail on the head:
They portray themselves as the victim. He blames everything and everyone for his outbursts...it is ALL about THEM!
Here's a quote, the first time I asked a favor, 'You think it's all about you! Well it ain't!' This hurtful response was tempered by the knowledge that the same words were spoken to his children, his roommate, and in the divorce papers to his first and second wives. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:08:24 AM | We all have choices in life, if getting abused LEAVE.
Sage advice - yet in some cases it's not quite that simple.
Take the victim who partners with an anti-social personality disordered abuser. This element of abuser, IMO, is the worse kind , although some may argue that point as we normally consider the worst kind of abuser to be those that erupt into physical violence. Far too many people in society are not educated on the wolves in sheep's clothing that walk among us - roughly 4% of the population. We may encounter them in our work environment although it's easier to recognize them in that environment as we are not emotionally engaged with them at the level of a romantic relationship. Or they may be a neighbor or member of the same church - again, we may sense something is "off" when we encounter them yet can't quite but our finger in what precisely is "off". It's a nameless "something".
Normally when we hear the word "sociopath", we associate it with what we do hear about - the serial killers, serial rapists, pedophiles, etc. Yet not all sociopaths go to those extremes of criminal behaviors.
In the romantic relationship, these abusers are as charismatic to their victims as they are openly in society. Where they have the upper hand in the romantic relationship is that their victims have conscience, whereas these abusers do not and the victims in fact do love the abuser whereas this caliber of abuser is incapable of loving anyone. The inherent vulnerability for the victim is having conscience and presuming that everyone has conscience, even their abuser. It's inconceivable to the victim that anyone would not have a conscience. Factor in also that there is a much deeper level of trust in a romantic relationship than in everyday social and work relationships.
This caliber of abuser is brilliant in the fine art of manipulation and is a master at creating illusions, often at the high end range of superior intelligence. The paradigm shift in dynamics in these relationships is often so fast and furious in its very subtlety that the victims can't even get a grasp on what precisely is really happening. In a manner of speaking, it's like the abuser is engaged in a competition of sorts to conquer the victim's mind and consume the victim's identity.
This caliber of abuser does erupt in anger when it appears that the successful achievement of their goal is threatened. However, when and if the victim challenges their reactions, on a dime the abuser will feign remorse yet not feel remorse. Or they'll feign agreement with the victim only it's a diversionary tactic. Just a couple of examples.
This element of abuser doesn't necessarily have abuse in their childhood history. Their victims don't necessarily have abuse in their childhood history. By the time the victims recognize they are in fact being abused, more often than not the derailing train has already wrecked.
The major difference, IMO and IME, between the typical abuser and the personality-disordered abuser is that concept of conscience. The typical abuser doesn't feign remorse as they genuinely do feel remorse at the time they express it. They even mean their promises to change at the time they make them. Yet that conscience that drives them is in conflict with preservation of what little sense of self-worth they have - oversimplified. They defeat themselves with their very own conscience and drive to preserve what little self-worth they can hold onto.
Conversely, the abuser who has no conscience will stop at nothing to have the upper hand over their victims. It takes mind f*ck to a whole different level. It's game to this caliber of abuser and their victims are their toys. Only the victim has no clue what the rules of engagement are at the onset, and should the victim begin to grasp the real rules of engagement, this caliber of abuser will change the rules with the blink of an eye. They can take an element of truth and twist it to fit what their victims want to hear. They are extraordinarily fast at assessing their victims' weaknesses (everyone has weaknesses) and structuring their games accordingly. The aggressive tactics are so subtle and covert from this caliber of abuser that they slip beneath the internal radar of their victims more often than not.
To outsiders, it appears that it is always a simple matter of choice yet it isn't always that simple. Before a victim can even begin to make the choice to exit, there has to be recognition that the abuse is in fact occurring, as well as validation outside of the relationship that abuse is occurring. It's exceedingly much more difficult to obtain that validation when involved with an abuser without conscience largely due to the exceptional skills of this caliber of abuser to create the illusion of being normal, sensitive to others, etc beyond the walls of the home. Conversely, their victims present outside the walls of the home as complainers, emotional reactors, etc when they begin to reach out for help so those in a position to help often perceive the victims as the ones with "the problem", all the while the abuser appears to be the cool, calm and collected partner in the relationship.
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:09:22 AM | Well spoken samhonolulu
More puzzling is the mind of the self-abuser.
Those who willingly allow their own continued abuse.
Whatever can be said of one applies equally to the recipient.
A simple supply/demand conundrum... if there were no demand for them, they'd lose out in natural selection.
Considering the number of reports of abuse - they're successful in getting theirs!
Women especially seem to love them and bequeath them many children.
Go figure!
OP this is one of life's scourges in our societies and one I am passionate about.
Over the last 15-20 years 95% of women I have met in my travels were either
victims in past relationships, currently living in one, desperately trying to leave
one or just recently left one. Shocking indictment on the world we live in. Without
rambling further on a topic that already fills countless books, here is my take on
abusive males:
This wee story sums up abusive males!!!
Many years ago in deepest Africa lived a mighty hunter with his young son.
One day out in the jungle he shot a leopard and found her young cub nearby.
He took it home where his young son made it a pet. (Cubs are like kittens).
The hunter wanted to destroy the cub but his son implored him not to. Many times
he told his son: “little leopards grow into big leopards – and big leopards kill!!” … but
the boy was determined to keep his pet.
One day whilst the hunter was away the boy was playing with his pet. He tripped
and grazed his knee. The baby leopard licked the wound getting his first taste of
blood and promptly devoured the boy.
Abusive males are the same. Regardless of anything they might say they
never change on the inside. Over the years I’ve seen too many women come unstuck
by taking the abusive partner back and living to regret it. Those are painful stories
from the “reality” files!!! Two I know didn’t live long after having those regrets.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
In its simplest terms abuse is the product of insecurity leading to the need to control,
dominate and subjugate another person. Physical violence is obvious since the damage
is there for all to see. It is the insidious forms of abuse that are often more difficult for
those on the outside to see [or believe] leaving the victim stranded and alone. Classic
example of this is when a woman complains to friends or family that her partner can't
let her out of his sight or needs to know every minute of the day where she is, what she
is doing and who with ... and those friends or family blissfully tell her "grow up girl, be
grateful you have someone who cares for you and has your welfare at heart" ...
Absolute BS ... that guy is so insecure and scared of losing his 'property' that he is
setting up a self-fulfilling prediction for himself. You strong ladies in these threads
know all this and this world needs strong women to stamp out this blight on society.
Sadly too many women living in abusive relationships still make excuses for that
abuser's behavior and stay with them ... others of course feel powerless to leave.
Enough JR sermons ... here in poetic form how it is and how it should be:
Random thoughts
when enmeshed, create images.
To what direction is of importance,
the human condition, flashes
sometimes in brilliance,
sometimes in darkness.
Is there a twilight for two souls
where balance exists?
Or is it a struggle?
Who wins?
It is not a contest.
It is rather, what wins?
Harmony, love, respect,
compassion exist
in the twilight of
common mind sets
without contest.
JR | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:20:16 AM | An excellent post angelheart3 showing a complete
understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships.
To outsiders, it appears that it is always a simple matter of choice yet it isn't always that simple. Before a victim can even begin to make the choice to exit, there has to be recognition that the abuse is in fact occurring, as well as validation outside of the relationship that abuse is occurring. It's exceedingly much more difficult to obtain that validation when involved with an abuser without conscience largely due to the exceptional skills of this caliber of abuser to create the illusion of being normal, sensitive to others, etc beyond the walls of the home. Conversely, their victims present outside the walls of the home as complainers, emotional reactors, etc when they begin to reach out for help so those in a position to help often perceive the victims as the ones with "the problem", all the while the abuser appears to be the cool, calm and collected partner in the relationship.
sadly this is the reality in far too many situations where women feel trapped and
powerless to leave, especially when close family tell her that the abuser is an
when those of us who can see through the subterfuge know he is a  | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:24:51 AM | what's that line about someone changing their stripes? Liars lie, players play, thiefs thieve, abusers abuse.
I doubt very much if they think "Im going to go out with this one and abuse her/him", but dollars to donuts they know they are abusers in the back of their mind and know they will do it again. At the very least they know they don't treat people nice. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:39:28 AM | Working with Violent Women
Copyright © 1997 by Erin Pizzey
Erin Pizzey was the founder of a women's shelter in Chiswick, England, the first modern battered women's shelter in the world. She found that of the first 100 women who came to her shelter, 62 were as or more violent than the partners they tried to escape from -- only to return to their partners time and again because of their addiction to pain and violence, violence that they persistently did their best to bring about. Over a period of ten years, Erin Pizzey became involved with about 5,000 women and their children who came through her shelter. She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence.
===========================================
Those of us working in the field of domestic violence are confronted daily by the difficult task of working with women in problematical families. In my work with family violence, I have come to recognise that there are women involved in emotionally and/or physically violent relationships who express and enact disturbance beyond the expected (and acceptable) scope of distress. Such individuals, spurred on by deep feelings of vengefulness, vindictiveness, and animosity, behave in a manner that is singularly destructive; destructive to themselves as well as to some or all of the other family members, making an already bad family situation worse. These women I have found it useful to describe as 'family terrorists.' In my experience, men also are capable of behaving as 'family terrorists' but male violence tends to be more physical and explosive. We have had thousands of international studies about male violence but there is very little about why or how women are violent. There seems to be a blanket of silence over the huge figures of violence expressed by women. Because 'family terrorism' is a tactic largely used by women and my work in the domestic violence field is largely with women, I address this problem discussing only my work with women.
The potential for terrorism may rest dormant for many years, emerging in its full might only under certain circumstances. I found that in many cases it is the dissolution, or threatened dissolution, of the family that calls to the fore the terrorist's destructiveness. It is essential to understand that prior to dissolution, the potential terrorist plays a role in the family that is by no means passive. The terrorist is the family member whose moods reign supreme in the family, whose whims and actions determine the emotional climate of the household. In this setting, the terrorist could be described as the family tyrant, for within the family, this individual maintains the control and power over the other members' emotions.
The family well may be characterised as violent, incestuous, dysfunctional, and unhappy, but it is the terrorist or tyrant who is primarily responsible for initiating conflict, imposing histrionic outbursts upon otherwise calm situations, or (more subtly and invisibly) quietly manipulating other family members into uproar through guilt, cunning taunts, and barely perceptive provocations. (The quiet manipulative terrorist usually is the most undetected terrorist. Through the subtle creation of perpetual turmoil, this terrorist may virtually drive other family members to alcoholism, to drug-addiction, to explosive behaviour, to suicide. The other family members, therefore, are often misperceived as the 'family problem' and the hidden terrorist as the saintly woman who 'puts up with it all.')
While the family remains together, however miserable that 'togetherness' might be, the terrorist maintains her power. However, it is often the separation of the family that promises to rend the terrorist's domain and consequently to lessen her power. Family dissolution, therefore, often is the time when the terrorist feels most threatened and most alone, and, because of that, most dangerous.
In this position of fear, the family terrorist sets out to achieve a specific goal. There are many possible goals for the terrorist, including: reuniting the family once again, or ensuring that the children (if there are children in the relationship) remain under the terrorist's control, or actively destroying the terrorist's spouse (or ex-spouse) emotionally, physically, and financially. When it was evident to Adolph Hitler that winning the War was an absolute impossibility, he ordered his remaining troops to destroy Berlin: If he no longer could rule, then he felt it best for his empire to share in his own personal destruction. Similarly, the family terrorist, losing or having lost supremacy, may endeavour to bring about the ruin (and, in some extreme cases, the death) of other family members. | |
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