|
|
|
|
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/6/2007 5:45:07 AM |
It really explains exactly the question you're asking, what goes on in the mind of an abuser, because their only goal is to have "power over" as opposed to cooperation with or empowering the other human being.
The referenced book preceding the quoted comment is excellent btw - however, it deals predominantly with the behaviors and interpretation thereof of the abuser. In the above quote, it is a misnomer that the abuser's only goal is to have power and control over the victim. Such a statement denotes specific conscious intention at the root of the abuse and that could not be further from the truth.
The abuser knows he/she is out of control, knows he/she has hurt the victim who he/she loves, is powerless to stop the behavior within themselves, consumed with guilt and fear, projecting that onto the victim as they are drowning in it actually - so that the abuser can feel normal. An overview only, BTW, and certainly there are exceptions.
The thing about books about abusive relationships is that they are written to and for victims, in many cases by victims. That being said, to categorically state that abusers only have one goal in mind and that is to have "power over" is irresponsible at best. BTW, most people would be stunned if they had awareness of how many victims of child abuse actually choose careers as counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Just a sidebar comment there.
Abusers and victims alike associate love with pain, control (or lack thereof) among other things, including being backed into a corner with overwhelming emotions they don't have the skills to contain including fear. They are both skewed in their thinking because that is what they have been taught - limiting this post to those who were victims themselves of child abuse. Actually, the degree of abuse at the hands/mouth of the abuser is a direct view into what that abuser suffered as a victim. Of course, it goes without saying that the abuser is not excused but this thread is focusing on the mind of the abuser, not his or her justification for propagating abuse.
 | |
|
| |
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 6:46:50 PM | | There is a world of difference between "knowing" and self-control. Dysfunction, denial being a pervasive feature of the abusive relationship, is no respecter of persons - be it abuser or victim. Both are sick and neither will break free of the cycle of abuse until they respectively take ownership for the part that is theirs. Blaming the abuser only keeps the victim hostage - even after the victim leaves the abuser. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 6:50:54 PM | | Only a psychopath goes in with the intent to hurt. The rest are probably victims themselves who could change if they only realized there was a problem...and I guess that makes them a sociopath. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 6:58:34 PM | I've dated several women who were in abusive relationships prior to our dating. The common trend of abusers is to belittle through verbal and physical abuse so that they can maintain a strangle hold of control over the women. This abuse takes many forms: Telling a woman that no one would want them to controlling everything from what they say, what they wear and who is allowed to be friends with them. It's a sick cycle and completely about control. The abusers never see that they are insecure control freaks who only exist to dominate someone to make them feel good about themselves. They are the kind of people who become stalkers if a person is strong enough to break things off with them.
I'm very aware of this issue because of seen it a lot and because I am raising a daughter and I'm proud to say that she, at 17, is already a strong young lady and wouldn't put up with any crap from a guy. I've taught her that if she didn't respect herself others would not respect her and true love cannot occur without respect. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 7:23:55 PM | Mike...as a survivor myself, I can tell you with absolute certainty that no one can maintain control over another without the controllee permitting it by staying. And yes, I was stalked and nearly lost my life a year and a half after I fled. I can also say with absolute certainty that the victims of sustained abuse are just as controlling - adapting their behavior to control the abuser so that the abuse doesn't continue as one example. It is a very sick cycle.
Kudos to you on your daughter, BTW. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 7:29:48 PM | I think scorpiomover had a good point...no one ever really thinks they are doing the wrong thing... and most people will justify their behaviors to some degree.
But I have to disagree with the lack of self-control. I spent a fair amount of time in counselling after my relationship with an abuser. I really did believe that I could help him get better, that he really didn't want to be abusive, that he loved me but had been so abused as a child that he needed help...this kind of thinking had it's power for me also..somewhere deep inside I believed that MY love could change him...I also knew on a deep level that because he was "losing control" that ultimately I was the stronger. It was a lot of sick and twisted thinking...I was deep in the "cycle" and had become addicted myself the it...the tension....the blowup...then the honeymoon....and then the tension...etc... it kind of became predictable and in a weird way, comfortable. The remorse and "love" he showed me after the violence became like a drug. I even began playing it with him... trying to get the worst over quicker to get to the honeymoon phase I would push a little...I was a mess. I didn't deserve it, but after a few years of it I was also a participant, kind of like how a kidnap victim begins to identify with their kidnapper. Now back to the part about self-control...I argued with my therapist about this...that he really wasn't responsible, he lost control..but here's where I learned different. He (therapist) asked me if my ex had ever been charged with a violent crime..other than harming me...I said no...then he asked if he had ever been violent with an employer or coworker...ummm...no. Then my therapist pointed out to me that people who really aren't in control (the psychotics) are unpredictable...they will lose control with anyone who frustrates them...they don't pick and choose who to lose it on.. but abusers DO choose...they wait until they get home to take out their rage and feelings of inadequacy, they CHOOSE to take it out on those who are weaker than them...women and children. Most abusers do NOT abuse other men, their bosses, or their coworkers, even that guy who pisses them off at the bar. They might talk tough but they save their worst crap for those who can't fight back. It's all about feeling in power. I would suspect that inside they feel really out of control in the world...and abuse is one way they can stave off those feelings. Also... not all abusers have addiction problems. Alcohol especially is used as an excuse...but all it really is is a way for the abuser to lose his inhibitions and have something else to blame for his actions.
I also have to disagree with the idea that abusers are less than intelligent. My ex was highly intelligent...and charming, everyone's best friend...he could play that up like you would not believe...and most abusers I have met have been the same. They look like really superb guys...they sweep a woman off her feet...they know just what to say..just how to act to look like a dream come true...until it's too late.
The sad thing is that when children witness abuse or are abused they have a high probability of growing up to be abusers or to be abused...and the cycle perpetuates itself.
No one, for any reason deserves to be terrorized and abused by anyone. What I have said applies to anyone who abuses...male or female. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 8:12:15 PM | Raven...don't know who posted that abusers are less intelligent as that has nothing to do with anything as you pointed out.. My ex's were exceptionally brilliant men actually.
Now, on the issue of self-control. Let's put that in a different perspective using your example of "rescuing". Going into a relationship with the idea that one can "love" another's pain away and make that person "whole" again is an enabling as well as controlling behavior. The victim in this illustration is actually trying to mold their partner into who they think the partner should be - seriously. The victim doesn't recognize this as "dysfunctional" or even controlling, but it is. In that aspect, the victim is out of control because they are compelled to "fix" their partner. This is an example of how the victim masks their emotional pain.
Conversely, the abuser - also in deep emotional pain releaves his/her pain not so differently actually - just different behaviors. He/she is also a grand rescuer (among other things), using a more aggressive approach. Here again, it is a compulsion and as such a lack of self-control.
Compulsive behaviors = out of control behaviors
Both abuser and victim initiate crisis in the relationship. The only difference is the modus operandi. By the way, any victim who states they have never abused their abuser, even if only verbally, is being less than honest with themselves.
Whether or not alcohol or substance abuse is an issue in the relationship, the relationship dynamics mirror the alcoholic relationship in numerous aspects. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 8:25:23 PM | I have studied the abusive behaviour of people for the past year and a half. I can tell you that abusive men or women and there are both, have major control issues. Any kind of abuse is unacceptable in todays society. These abusers prey on who they feel are vunerable. They go into the relationship with the intention of control and power toward their partner. They will try to gain your trust by being very kind and sweet in the beginning. They wait for the right moment to pounce.
There are Classic Signs to Watch For and Ways to avoid abusive People:
Beware of the Person who Wants to Get Serious Very Quickly
I recently had the pleasure of meeting someone on a Dating Site who before we even met in person, decided to tell me how much in love he was with me, wanted to marry me and have my baby. This was the first time we chatted. Ladies this is the Biggest Warning Sign. If you meet someone like that don't be flattered. Run Run as Fast as You Can! I played along with his game to see where it would go. Then I pushed his buttons to see what his response would be, and sure enough, he called me crazy, an idiot, dummy just everything he could. So the Wedding was off, he didn't love me anymore and there would be no baby together. Not that it was ever happening in my mind. I met the man once.
Ladies & Gents these people are out there so be careful.
Another important note: Please if anyone has been abused in the past, keep it to yourself until later into the relationship. No matter how much you think you trust the person. It's proven that revealing that infomation too soon in the relationship will only lead to another abusive relationship. There are several other signs that i will post another time that will be helpful.
Abusive people?To answer the question at hand will go into a relationship with the intention of controling and abusing their partner. Typically they will already have a history of abuse. They can be sly and will do everything they can to gain your trust. Then when you least expect it they'll change their colours. They are in control because the simple fact is that they are able to control their behaviours until they have you were they want you.
Can abusers change? I think it's possible but in my experience it doesn't happen often.
Please don't use my methods to weed people out. I am educated in phychology and as the man said a little crazy but Iknow when to back down. Keep safe be aware. There are good people out there just keep fishing.
  | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/12/2007 9:41:09 PM | Msg.184 - Good points in your post. My own experience substantiates that a big blaring red flag is getting serious too fast in terms of a potential abuser. As for the victim/survivor red flag, same concept applies. Every survivor I ever encountered over the years consistently fell hard and fast "in love" with their abuser quickly.
If it looks or sounds too good to be true, it probably is. In that context, particularly if there is a history of child abuse in a person's background, it behooves one to put brain in gear before engaging heart. Doesn't at all suggest that all survivors of child abuse are potential abusers - only that one should take their time to get to know that person better before engaging their heart. On other words, that they have reconciled their abuse in a healthy manner.
Other observations I made in my own experiences: lack of job stability (of course it's not his/her fault), projects his or herself as a victim in prior relationships (tugs the heartstrings of the potential victim big time), stuck on blame (blame later transfers to the new victim), projects need of new victim to make life wonderful again (adds new meaning to ego stroking)...the list is endless actually.
The irony is that all of the dynamics are right there from the start, at least in my experiences they were.
EDIT: Conscious (key word there) intent may well be true in some cases but it wasn't the case in my personal experience. Compulsion? Absolutely. To clarify my point, none of my former abusers entered the relationship with the specific intent to abuse. In all cases but one, my former abusers were tormented by their inability to control their abusive behavior. The one exception didn't grasp that his behavior was abusive and that one was later diagnosed as personality disordered. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 12:43:10 AM | I was mentally and sexually abused within a relationship. He of course could see nothing wrong in any of it. BUT I was trusting and gave him chances again and again more fool me. The red flags were there and I did not pay enough attention to them. A guy who has never had a full relationship......a nomad in the world of romance who always blames the woman for the troubles.......a liar, but again sees no wrong his answer is "not your business". Well sorry if the guy you are with poked another two days before and you ask the question you are entitled to an answer.......sexual health issues.
Narcisisstic personalities, sociopaths do exist and I having been left scarred resent when I see posts who ask the question whether the abuse is in the females mind. That is exactly what the abuser wants both the abused and everyone to think....they are the good guy and she turned out to be "nuts".
Of course they are charming, witty, endearing etc at the start but when they have you hooked start to demeane, and humiliate. There is some sort of perverse pleasure they gain from this behaviour. They justify it all in their heads, are incabable of making the real connection with another and retreat back into the world of internet "fishing" to add more to the list.....always the list in operation like some sort of addiction.
When bluff called and they have been found out......cut communication so as not to answer any questions and then bad mouth the ex with a twisted version of events.
We all think we will know then and not allow ourselves to be abused but get sucked in and duped and only find out when the blows start to hit.
These men exist and exist on this site. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 3:29:45 AM | | You know thats a very good question... and I dont know the answer any better than anyone else but I can say this Ive seen abusers never change and Ive seen others change with help... Its horrible, life altering and something definately to avoid but dont let it stop you from loving them u may be the last one to do so... but do get away... | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 3:42:17 AM |
What do you think?.... does an aduser go into a relationship with the intention of one day abusing that person or is it something that they are unable to control themselves and they truly do go into the relationship with the best intentions??
Exactly as you put it.
They go with good intention. They are not bad people...majority of abusers don't mean to abuse their victims some even truly and deeply love their victims.
Because abuse is such a harsh thing we become blinded to the good side of the abuser.
One thing though...Sexual abuse might be a little different...in my opinion...majority of sexual abusers pick their victims but some just can't help themselves. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 4:14:42 AM |
One thing though...Sexual abuse might be a little different...in my opinion...majority of sexual abusers pick their victims but some just can't help themselves.
The only thing different about sexual abuse is the boundary violated. It's still power and control. It is a misnomer that any abuser just can't help themselves - hogwash. Just as any human being walking the planet, they are as empowered by choice as anyone else. At some point in their lives, they choose to cross the line - simply as that. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 6:06:25 AM |
The only thing different about sexual abuse is the boundary violated. It's still power and control
I think differently, I believe in any type of abuse the boundary is violated and NOT just sexual. being beaten up or emotionally abused one is being violated.
Let me rephrase my point...when I said "One thing though...Sexual abuse might be a little different...in my opinion...majority of sexual abusers pick their victims but some just can't help themselves." by this I meant most select victims...but some and I am saying some, without much statistic or true knowledge, but the little I have seen or read or heard of, they are a little more aware and do not want to abuse but can't control and so abuse.
One thing most of us neglect to realise and come so strongly fighting it is, what control power most normal individuals have it's not the same as these abusers...they are people with abnormal behaviour....
when I see comments such as
hogwash. Just as any human being walking the planet, they are as empowered by choice as anyone else. At some point in their lives, they choose to cross the line - simply as that. makes me think....would the same apply for people who have down syndrome, autism, Schizophrenia, bi-polar and others .
Hogwash???? Maybe not ...a normal person knows their boundary they may cross the boundary at times but I am sure not to the extend an abuser who harms does. If we look at abusers as normal then we will never stop them abusing others. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 6:45:46 AM | I think differently, I believe in any type of abuse the boundary is violated and NOT just sexual. being beaten up or emotionally abused one is being violated.
I didn't suggest otherwise. Re-read what I wrote in the context of reference.
most select victims...but some and I am saying some, without much statistic or true knowledge, but the little I have seen or read or heard of, they are a little more aware and do not want to abuse but can't control and so abuse.
There is a world of difference between a true pedophile (or even rapist as it applies to adult victims) and an abuser that crosses the boundary of violation into sexual abuse. I have been married and divorced to both types decades ago. A pedophile does select the victims - an abuser does not in the aspect of sexual abuse. Try going to a Parents United group sometime - much more enlightening than reading books as you learn from the perps themselves. Very easy to attack when, as you say, you don't have much true knowledge on the subject. Conversely, I have a wealth of true knowledge, training as well as personal experience.
makes me think....would the same apply for people who have down syndrome, autism, Schizophrenia, bi-polar and others .
Hogwash???? Maybe not ...a normal person knows their boundary they may cross the boundary at times but I am sure not to the extend an abuser who harms does. If we look at abusers as normal then we will never stop them abusing others.
I suggest that you go back in the thread and read all my posts - not once have I ever suggested that abusers were normal. As for the other challenges you irresponsibly reference, there is NO comparison. At a minimum, to clarify the difference, the challenges you reference are born "with" - not made. Abusers are made. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:49:47 AM | | Protect yourself from sociopathsLearn to recognize the traits—then stay awaySociopathy is a complex personality disorder. Sociopaths exhibit a wide variety of maladaptive behavior which makes the condition difficult to diagnose. Sociopathy is not one trait; it is a syndrome—a cluster of related symptoms.To help professionals accurately diagnose the sociopath (also called a psychopath), Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., developed the Psychopathy Checklist. This is not a quiz you can try at home; it is a tool designed to be used exclusively by trained mental health professionals.Dr. Hare has identified key symptoms of psychopathy. Excerpts from his descriptions of the symptoms appear below. (To be consistent with his work, Lovefraud has substituted the term "psychopath" for our usual use of "sociopath.") Lovefraud strongly recommends that you read his entire book, Without Conscience. The examples of behavior he includes with each description are eye-opening and chilling.If you're dealing with a person who exhibits some of these traits, put your guard up. If that person shows many or all of these traits, get him or her out of your life. Dr. Robert Hare's Symptoms of Psychopaths© 1993 by Robert D. Hare, PhD. Reprinted by permission of The Guilford Press.Interpersonal traits • Glib and superficial• Egocentric and grandiose• Lack of remorse or guilt• Lack of empathy• Deceitful and manipulative• Shallow emotionsAntisocial lifestyle• Impulsive• Poor behavior controls• Need for excitement• Lack of responsibility• Early behavior problems• Adult antisocial behavior• The complete picture> topGlib and superficial Psychopaths are often witty and articulate. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a quick and clever comeback, and can tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming. Typically, psychopaths attempt to appear experts in sociology, psychiatry, medicine, psychology, philosophy, poetry, literature, art or law. A signpost to this trait is often a smooth lack of concern at being found out that they are not. > topEgocentric and grandiose Psychopaths have a narcissistic and grossly inflated view of their self-worth and importance, a truly astounding egocentricity and sense of entitlement. They see themselves as the center of the universe, as superior beings who are justified in living according to their own rules. Psychopaths are seldom embarrassed about their legal, financial or personal problems. Rather, they see them as temporary setbacks, the results of bad luck, unfaithful friends or an unfair and incompetent system. Psychopaths feel that their abilities will enable them to become anything they want to be. Given the right circumstances—opportunity, luck, willing victims—their grandiosity can pay off spectacularly. For example, the psychopathic entrepreneur "thinks big," but it's usually with someone else's money.> topLack of remorse or guilt Psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others. Often they are completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they have no sense of guilt, are not sorry for the pain and destruction they have caused, and that there is no reason for them to be concerned. Psychopaths' lack of remorse or guilt is associated with a remarkable ability to rationalize their behavior and to shrug off personal responsibility for actions that cause shock and disappointment to family, friends, associates and others who have played by the rules. Usually they have handy excuses for their behavior, and in some cases they deny that it happened at all. > topLack of empathy The feelings of other people are of no concern to psychopaths. Psychopaths view people as little more than objects to be used for their own gratification. The weak and the vulnerable—whom they mock, rather than pity—are favorite targets.Psychopaths display a general lack of empathy. They are indifferent to the rights and suffering of family members and strangers alike. If they do maintain ties with their spouses or children it is only because they see their family members as possessions, much like their stereos or automobiles. Because of their inability to appreciate the feelings of others, some psychopaths are capable of behavior that normal people find not only horrific but baffling. For example, they can torture and mutilate their victims with about the same sense of concern that we feel when we carve a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. However, except in movies and books, very few psychopaths commit crimes of this sort. Their callousness typically emerges in less dramatic, though still devastating, ways: parasitically bleeding other people of their possessions, savings and dignity; aggressively doing and taking what they want; shamefully neglecting the physical and emotional welfare of their families; engaging in an unending series of casual, impersonal and trivial sexual relationships; and so forth. > topDeceitful and manipulative Lying, deceiving and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths. Given their glibness and the facility with which they lie, it is not surprising that psychopaths successfully cheat, bilk, defraud, con and manipulate people and have not the slightest compunction about doing so. They are often forthright in describing themselves as con men, hustlers or fraud artists. Their statements often reveal their belief that the world is made up of "givers and takers," predators and prey, and that it would be very foolish not to exploit the weaknesses of others. Some of their operations are elaborate and well thought out, whereas others are quite simple: stringing along several women at the same time, or convincing family members and friends that money is needed "to bail me out of a jam." Whatever the scheme, it is carried off in a cool, self-assured, brazen manner. > topShallow emotions Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at times they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling. Careful observers are left with the impression that they are play-acting and that little is going on below the surface. Laboratory experiments using biomedical recorders have shown that psychopaths lack the physiological responses normally associated with fear. The significance of this finding is that, for most people, the fear produced by threats of pain or punishment is an unpleasant emotion and a powerful motivator of behavior. Not so with psychopaths; they merrily plunge on, perhaps knowing what might happen but not really caring. > topImpulsive Psychopaths are unlikely to spend much time weighing the pros and cons of a course of action or considering the possible consequences. "I did it because I felt like it," is a common response. More than displays of temper, impulsive acts often result from an aim that plays a central role in most of the psychopath's behavior: to achieve immediate satisfaction, pleasure or relief. So, family members, employers and co-workers typically find themselves standing around asking themselves what happened—jobs are quit, relationships broken off, plans changed, houses ransacked, people hurt, often for what appears to be little more than a whim.Psychopaths tend to live day-to-day and to change their plans frequently. They give little serious thought to the future and worry about it even less. > topPoor behavior controls In psychopaths, inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. As a result, psychopaths are short-tempered or hot-headed and tend to respond to frustration, failure, discipline and criticism with sudden violence, threats and verbal abuse. They take offense easily and become angry and aggressive over trivialities, and often in a context that appears inappropriate to others. But their outbursts, extreme as they may be, are generally short-lived, and they quickly resume acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Although psychopaths have a "hair trigger" and readily initiate aggressive displays, their ensuing behavior is not out of control. On the contrary, when psychopaths "blow their stack" it is as if they are having a temper tantrum; they know exactly what they are doing. Their aggressive displays are "cold;" they lack the intense emotional arousal experienced by others when they lose their temper. It's not unusual for psychopaths to inflict serious physical or emotional damage on others, sometimes routinely, and yet refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem controlling their tempers. In most cases, they see their aggressive displays as natural responses to provocation. > topNeed for excitement Psychopaths have an ongoing and excessive need for excitement—they long to live in the fast lane or "on the edge," where the action is. In many cases the action involves breaking the rules.Some psychopaths use a wide variety of drugs as part of their general search for something new and exciting, and they often move from place to place and job to job searching for a fresh buzz. Many psychopaths describe "doing crime" for excitement or thrills. The flip side of this yearning for excitement is an inability to tolerate routine or monotony. Psychopaths are easily bored. You are not likely to find them engaged in occupations or activities that are dull, repetitive or that require intense concentration over long periods. > topLack of responsibility Obligations and commitments mean nothing to psychopaths. Their good intentions—"I'll never cheat on you again"—are promises written on the wind.Truly horrendous credit histories, for example, reveal the lightly taken debt, the shrugged-off loan, the empty pledge to contribute to a child's support. The irresponsibility and unreliability of psychopaths extend to every part of their lives. Their performance on the job is erratic, with frequent absences, misuse of company resources, violations of company policy, and general untrustworthiness. They do not honor formal or implied commitments to people, organizations or principles. Indifference to the welfare of children—their own as well as those of a man or woman they happen to be living with at the time—is a common theme among psychopaths. Psychopaths see children as an inconvenience. Typically, they leave children on their own for extended periods or in the care of unreliable sitters.Psychopaths are frequently successful in talking their way out of trouble—"I've learned my lesson;" "You have my word that it won't happen again;" "It was simply a big misunderstanding;" "Trust me." They are almost as successful in convincing the criminal justice system of their good intentions and their trustworthiness. Although they frequently manage to obtain probation, a suspended sentence or early release from prison, they simply ignore the conditions imposed by the courts.> topEarly behavior problems Most psychopaths begin to exhibit serious behavioral problems at an early age. These might include persistent lying, cheating, theft, fire setting, truancy, class disruption, substance abuse, vandalism, violence, bullying, running away and precocious sexuality. Because many children exhibit some of these behaviors at one time or another, especially children raised in violent neighborhoods or in disrupted or abusive families, it is important to emphasize that the psychopaths's history of such behaviors is more extensive and serious than that of most others, even when compared with those of siblings and friends raised in similar settings. Early cruelty to animals is usually a sign of serious emotional or behavioral problems. Cruelty to other children—including siblings—is often part of the young psychopaths's inability to experience the sort of empathy that checks normal people's impulses to inflict pain, even when enraged. > topAdult antisocial behavior Psychopaths consider the rules and expectations of society inconvenient and unreasonable, impediments to their inclinations and wishes. They make their own rules, both as children and as adults. Many of the antisocial acts of psychopaths lead to criminal convictions. Even within prison populations psychopaths stand out, largely because their antisocial and illegal activities are more varied and frequent than are those of other criminals. Not all psychopaths end up in jail. Many of the things they do escape detection or prosecution, or are on the "shady side of the law." For them, antisocial behavior may consist of phony stock promotions, questionable business and professional practices, spouse or child abuse, and so forth. Many others do things that, although not illegal, are unethical, immoral or harmful to others: philandering, cheating on a spouse, financial or emotional neglect of family members, irresponsible use of company resources or funds, to name but a few. The problem with behaviors of this sort is that they are difficult to document and evaluate without the active cooperation of family, friends, acquaintances and business associates. > topThe complete picture Psychopaths are not the only ones who lead socially deviant lifestyles. For example, many criminals have some of the characteristics described above, but because they are capable of feeling guilt, remorse, empathy and strong emotions, they are not considered psychopaths. A diagnosis of psychopathy is made only when there is solid evidence that the individual matches the complete profile—that is, has most of the above symptoms. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:52:49 AM | ^^^^^^ the above I found on the internet...and I have read it over and over...and I will tell you it really hit home for me in a couple of my relationships....and I for one spent way tooooo much time in them trying to 'fix' what was broken...and taking way way to much blame for my incapabilities in doing so....
sorry it is so long...but VERY interesting!! | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:55:33 AM | | Abusive people often came from an abusive family, some can be changed, some do and then revert. Oh I just saw the last comment, if they do revert try not to take all the blame for not having been able to prevent it. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:22:42 AM | Excellent post, Swabbas. My first abuser was in fact the paranoid personality disorder. To expand further from another source:
ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY, SOCIOPATHY, AND PSYCHOPATHY
"When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm better." (Mae West)
People who cannot contain their urges to harm (or kill) people repeatedly for no apparent reason are assumed to suffer from some mental illness. However, they may be more cruel than crazy, they may be choosing not to control their urges, they know right from wrong, they know exactly what they're doing, and they are definitely NOT insane, at least according to the consensus of most scholars (Samenow 2004). In such cases, they usually fall into one of three types that are typically considered aggravating circumstances in addition to their legal guilt -- antisocial personality disorder (APD), sociopath, or psychopath -- none of which are the same as insanity or psychosis. APD is the most common type, afflicting about 4% of the general population. Sociopaths are the second most common type, with the American Psychiatric Association estimating that 3% of all males in our society are sociopaths and Stout (2005) estimating 4% of the population. Psychopaths are rare, found in perhaps 1% of the population.
Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) is practically synonymous with criminal behavior, but as with all distributions of a disease or whatever in a population, it is probable that the majority of people with this particular affliction are law-abiding. Aging, overinvolvements, and/or relationships might hold sway over the control (or lack of control) in these kind of people, and although approaching the study of offenders from a relationship & personality disorders point of view may or may not be productive, Dr. Drew is probably an adequate source of information on such matters. Dr. Drew's theory (and one with wide ramifications since he pretty much defines an antisocial tendency as thinking about one's self first) is that women with certain kinds of disorders, like borderline personality disorders, tend to be attracted to and hook up with men who manifest symptoms of psychopathic personality disorder (see Lecture on BPD & OCD) and that such match-ups may or may not be dysfunctional. On the other hand, the field of criminology tends to treat APD as so synonymous, in fact, with criminal behavior that practically all convicted criminals (65-75%) have it, with criminologists often referring to it as a "wastebasket" category. Antisocials come is all shapes and sizes, and psychologists consider the juvenile version of it to be a juvenile conduct disorder. The main characteristic of it is a complete and utter disregard for the rights of others and the rules of society. They seldom show anxiety and don't feel guilt. Although many people would hope that there's an effective treatment, there's really no effective treatment for them other than locking them up in a secure facility with such rigid rules that they cannot talk their way out. A full list of APD traits would include:
List of Antisocial Personality Disorder Traits
Sense of entitlement; Unremorseful; Apathetic to others; Unconscionable behavior; Blameful of others; Manipulative and conning; Affectively cold; Disparate understanding; Socially irresponsible; Disregardful of obligations; Nonconforming to norms; Irresponsible
whereas the DSM-IV "clinical" features of Antisocial Personality Disorder (with a person having at least three of these characteristics) are:
Clinical Symptoms for an Antisocial Personality Disorder Diagnosis
1. Failure to conform to social norms; 2. Deceitfulness, manipulativeness; 3. Impulsivity, failure to plan ahead; 4. Irritability, aggressiveness; 5. Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others; 6. Consistent irresponsibility; 7. Lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person
Sociopathy is chiefly characterized by something wrong with the person's conscience. They either don't have one, it's full of holes like Swiss cheese, or they are somehow able to completely neutralize or negate any sense of conscience or future time perspective. Sociopaths only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires - selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires. They often believe they are doing something good for society, or at least nothing that bad. The term "sociopath" is frequently used by psychologists and sociologists alike in referring to persons whose unsocialized character is due primarily to parental failures (usually fatherlessness) rather than an inherent feature of temperament. Lykken (1995), for example, clearly distinguishes between the sociopath (who is socialized into becoming a psychopath) and a "true" psychopath (who is born that way). However, this may only describe the "common sociopath", as there are at least four (4) different subtypes -- common, alienated, aggressive, and dyssocial. Commons are characterized mostly by their lack of conscience; the alienated by their inability to love or be loved; aggressives by a consistent sadistic streak; and dyssocials by an ability to abide by gang rules, as long as those rules are the wrong rules. As Stout (2005) indicates, it only takes three of the following to be defined as a sociopath, and some common sociopathic traits include:
List of Common Sociopathic Traits
Egocentricity; Callousness; Impulsivity; Conscience defect; Exaggerated sexuality; Excessive boasting; Risk taking; Inability to resist temptation; Antagonistic, deprecating attitude toward the opposite sex; Lack of interest in bonding with a mate
Psychopathy is a concept subject to much debate, but is usually defined as a constellation of affective, interpersonal, and behavioral characteristics including egocentricity; impulsivity; irresponsibility; shallow emotions; lack of empathy, guilt, or remorse; pathological lying; manipulativeness; and the persistent violation of social norms and expectations (Cleckley 1976; Hare 1993). The crimes of psychopaths are usually stone-cold, remorseless killings for no apparent reason. They cold-bloodedly take what they want and do as they please without the slightest sense of guilt or regret. In many ways, they are natural-born intraspecies predators who satisfy their lust for power and control by charm, manipulation, intimidation, and violence. While almost all societies would regard them as criminals (the exception being frontier or warlike societies where they might become heroes, patriots, or leaders), it's important to distinguish their behavior from criminal behavior. As a common axiom goes in psychology, MOST PSYCHOPATHS ARE ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITIES BUT NOT ALL ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITIES ARE PSYCHOPATHS. This is because APD is defined mainly by behaviors (Factor 2 antisocial behaviors) and doesn't tap the affective/interpersonal dimensions (Factor 1 core psychopathic features, narcissism) of psychopathy. Further, criminals and APDs tend to "age out" of crime; psychopaths do not, and are at high risk of recidivism. Psychopaths love to intellectualize in treatment with their half-baked understanding of rules. Like the Star Trek character, Spock, their reasoning cannot handle any mix of cognition and emotion. They are calculating predators who, when trapped, will attempt escape, create a nuisance and danger to staff, be a disruptive influence on other patients or inmates, and fake symptoms to get transferred, bouncing back and forth between institutions. The common features of psychopathic traits (the PCL-R items) are:
List of Common Psychopathic Traits
Glib and superficial charm; Grandiose sense of self-worth; Need for stimulation; Pathological lying; Conning and manipulativeness; Lack of remorse or guilt; Shallow affect; Callousness and lack of empathy; Parasitic lifestyle; Poor behavioral controls; Promiscuous sexual behavior; Early behavior problems; Lack of realistic, long-term goals; Impulsivity; Irresponsibility; Failure to accept responsibility for own actions; Many short-term marital relationships; Juvenile delinquency; Revocation of conditional release; Criminal versatility
In addition to these most well-known types, there have been criminologists who have put forward additional constructs. They are only mentioned here because of their relevance to serial criminals, and the interesting similarity in the way they compare to the FBI's "disorganized - organized" typology.
EPISODIC AGGRESSION AND SOCIOPATHY COMPARED
Disorganized Episodic Aggression:
Organized Sociopathic Hatred:
Ritualistic behavior Superficial charm and "good" intelligence
Attempts to conceal mental instability Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational behavior
Compulsivity Absence of "nervousness" or psychoneurotic manifestations
Periodic search for help unreliability
Severe memory disorders and an inability to tell the truth untruthfulness and insincerity
Suicidal tendencies lack of remorse or shame
History of committing assault inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
Hypersexuality and abnormal sexual behavior poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
Head injuries; injuries suffered at birth pathological egocentricity and incapacity for love
History of chronic drug or alcohol abuse general poverty in major affective reactions
Parents with history of chronic drug or alcohol abuse specific loss of insight
Victim of childhood physical or mental abuse unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
Result of an unwanted pregnancy fantastic and uninviting behavior with and sometimes without drink
Product of a difficult gestation for mother suicide rarely carried out
Unhappiness in childhood resulted in inability to find happiness sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated
Extraordinary cruelty to animals failure to follow any life plan
Attraction to arson without homicidal interest
Symptoms of neurological impairment
Evidence of genetic disorder
Biochemical symptoms
Feelings of powerlessness and inadequacy
The patterns of episodic aggressive behavior scale is derived from Joel Norris (1990) Serial Killers, London: Arrow Books and also reproduced in Brian Lane & Wilfred Gregg (1992) The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers, NY: Berkeley Books. This particular sociopathic checklist is found in numerous places but extensively featured in both of Samenow's works in the 1970s on criminal personality (thinking errors).
DETAILED ANALYSIS OF ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER
The diagnosis of APD has long been controversial. The criteria for it seem to change with each and every new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I 1968; DSM-II 1976; DSM-III 1980; DSM-III-R 1987; DSM-IV 1994). The diagnosis was substantially changed with DSM-III when the APA decided to distinguish between child and adult characteristics, and essentially substituted behavioral criteria (like truancy or law violations) for personality criteria (like callousness and selfishness). In the DSM-III-R (R for Revised), the focus was on violence and a list of violent acts (fighting, cruelty to others, cruelty to animals). The current DSM-IV approach essentially says that anything which is not sociopathy, psychopathy or dyssocial personality disorder is antisocial personality disorder, but there is considerable overlap. The diagnostic possibilities are endless; there are at least 3 million possible variations of symptoms on at least 62 different measurable items.
Ongoing research is quite prolific into the factor or principal components analysis of APD characteristics. Most forensic experts believe there are 3-4 factors (groupings of symptoms). One factor involves symptoms that cluster around what might be called a Lack of Planning (promiscuous, irresponsible, impulsive traits and behavior). Another factor clusters around the notion of Disregard for Others. A third factor is clearly related to Adult Criminality. A fourth factor is clearly related to Juvenile Delinquency. Impulsivity appears to be a prototypical (core) feature, but it can take many forms. Definitions of impulsivity are numerous -- a tendency to act without reflection; dysfunctional information processing; a tendency for risk taking; sensation seeking; and an inability to sustain attention. Rating scales are easily available to measure these.
The incidence of APD is twice as high for inner-city residents than in small towns or rural areas, and five times higher in males than in females. It affects people in all social classes, but if someone with APD is born into a family of wealth and privilege, they will usually manage to eek out a successful business or political career. Poorer people with APD tend to wind up in state prison systems. Since African-Americans are seven times more likely to be represented in state prison systems, it's tempting to speculate the incidence of APD among African-Americans is high. However, there are most likely other causes of crime among African-Americans (like unemployment and racism). The fact is that most of the current prison population, white or black, shares the APD diagnosis. All it takes is a juvenile record, an adult offense career, aggressivity, impulsivity, a checkered work history, and/or lack of demonstrable repentance. These can be easily found in almost any prison inmate's dossier.
One of the things closely related to APD is the comorbidity of alcoholism and narcotic addiction. Some of the criteria for a substance abuse disorder are very similar: theft, hazardous behavior, failure to fulfill role functions in home, school, and work. A strong correlation exists between substance abuse and factor 2 (antisocial behaviors) of the psychopathy construct. APDs with a drug addiction have some serious substance abuse problems -- the kind that lead to death by overdose or accident within five years. Are APD and narcotic addiction part of the same disorder, does one lead to the other, or are they are spuriously linked together? From what little research there is, it appears that most of the time, APD precedes narcotic addiction, although some of the time, addiction leads to APD behaviors. People with such comorbid characteristics also usually have undiagnosed other Axis I and Axis II disorders.
DETAILED ANALYSIS OF THE SOCIOPATH
From the wild Irish slums of the 19th Century Eastern seaboard to the riot-torn anomic neighborhoods of Los Angeles, our society has always produced sociopaths who are quite often the products of illegitimacy, broken homes, and a lack of any bonding with male or societal authority. Some 70% of sociopaths come from fatherless homes. Father absence produces many consequences similar to the symptoms of sociopathy -- early, precocious sexuality; antagonistic, deprecating attitude toward the opposite sex; lack of interest in bonding with a durable, stable mate; aggressive acting-out; excessive boasting; and risk-taking behavior. Some 30% of children today are born out-of-wedlock, and another 30% live in divorced homes. These conditions - a problem of unsocialization - produce sociopathy. Furthermore, sociopaths tend to reproduce themselves, that is, they produce more than own their share of illegitimate offspring themselves.
So what is a sociopath? You won't find criteria in the DSM IV or official psychiatric nomenclature, but the construct refers to the largest subgroup of APDs. Most are males, but an increasing number are female. They have otherwise normal temperaments (as opposed to psychopaths who have abnormal temperaments). Some are aggressive, fearless sensation seekers, and others are Machiavellian manipulators. A Machiavellian is a personality type who is a cross between an antisocial personality and a narcissist, and someone who also has an extremely high sense of entitlement. The one thing that all sociopaths have in common is that they are "too much" to handle for their parents or anyone else. It's common to refer to them as unsocialized, but the dyssocial sociopath does socialize to the mores and values of a dyssocial outgroup, like a gang. Let's explore the four (4) subtypes of sociopaths:
COMMON SOCIOPATHS are the largest subtype and have a weak or unelaborated conscience. They are not ashamed by the same things as you or I would be ashamed of. They are like feral children grown up, taking pleasures and gratifying impulses at every opportunity or temptation. They especially enjoy and take pride in bending or breaking the rules. As teenagers, they are often runaways. As adults, they are often geographically mobile, living in shelters, or taking advantage of welfare systems. They are experienced shoplifters. They have quite active sex lives. They are usually of average intelligence, but don't do well in school and never seem to break out of low-paying dead-end jobs. Nevertheless, they seem genuinely happy with their lives, unburdened by any sense of negative self-worth or the fact that they have not been a functional, contributing member of society.
ALIENATED SOCIOPATHS have never developed the ability to love, empathize, or affiliate in real life with another person. They will show more emotion toward their pet or a personal artifact than toward a person. Or, they may hate animals and live out their emotional life by watching TV (identification with soap opera characters is a common pattern). Dating and marriage relationships will be very barren and empty. They won't get along with the neighbors. They live in a shell. They have a cold, callous attitude toward human suffering or any social problem in the society they live in. They just don't care because it's outside their range of empathy. Most will believe they are justified in this because they feel they were cheated in some way themselves by society, and a few will be more than happy to rant and rave about it to anyone who listens. They are chronic complainers, and underneath it all, they would like to see nothing better than all of society destroyed.
AGGRESSIVE SOCIOPATHS derive strong, yet nonperverse gratification from harming others. They like to hurt, frighten, tyrannize, bully, and manipulate. They do it for a sense of power and control, and will often only drop subtle hints about what they are up to. They polish their aggressive, domineering manner in such a way to disguise any intimidation others might feel. They seek out positions of power, such as parent, teacher, bureaucrat, supervisor, or police officer. Their style is one of passive aggression as they systematically go about sabotaging the ideas of others to get their ideas in place. In their spare time, they like to hunt or occasionally do sadistic things like find stray dogs and cut them up. They are usually effective at getting their way, and are especially vindictive if resisted or crossed. They don't follow the social norm of reciprocity like others do.
DYSSOCIAL SOCIOPATHS identify and hold an allegiance with a dyssocial, outcast, or predatory subculture. Any subculture will do, as long as it runs counter to established authority. They are capable of intense loyalty, and even a feeling of guilt and shame, within such limited circles. They seem to continually fall upon bad luck and bad companions, however. While they will constantly complain that none of this is their fault, behind it all is a kind of self-defeating mechanism in the poor choices they made themselves. | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:23:47 AM | And more (sorry for the looonnnngggg posts):
DETAILED ANALYSIS OF THE PSYCHOPATH
Psychopaths cannot be understood in terms of antisocial rearing or development. They are simply morally depraved individuals who represent the "monsters" in our society. They are unstoppable and untreatable predators whose violence is planned, purposeful and emotionless. The violence continues until it reaches a plateau at age 50 or so, then tapers off. Their emotionlessness reflects a detached, fearless, and possibly dissociated state, revealing a lower autonomic nervous system and lack of anxiety. It's difficult to say what motivates them - control and dominance possibly - since their life history will usually show no bonds with others nor much rhyme to their reason (other than the planning of violence). They tend to operate with a grandiose demeanor, an attitude of entitlement, an insatiable appetite, and a tendency toward sadism. Fearlessness is probably the prototypical (core) characteristic (the low-fear hypothesis). It's helpful to think of them as high-speed vehicles with ineffective brakes. Certain organic (brain) disorders and hormonal imbalances mimic the state of mind of a psychopath.
There are four (4) different subtypes of psychopaths. The oldest distinction was made by Cleckley back in 1941 between primary and secondary. However, we'll explore the other two subtypes first:
DISTEMPERED PSYCHOPATHS are the kind that seem to fly into a rage or frenzy more easily and more often than other subtypes. Their frenzy will resemble an epileptic fit. They are also usually men with incredibly strong sex drives, capable of astonishing feats of sexual energy, and seemingly obsessed by sexual urges during a large part of their waking lives. Powerful cravings also seem to characterize them, as in drug addiction, kleptomania, pedophilia, any illicit or illegal indulgence. They like the endorphin "high" or "rush" off of excitement and risk-taking. The serial-rapist-murderer known as the Boston Strangler was such a psychopath.
CHARISMATIC PSYCHOPATHS are charming, attractive liars. They are usually gifted at some talent or another, and they use it to their advantage in manipulating others. They are usually fast-talkers, and possess an almost demonic ability to persuade others out of everything they own, even their lives. Leaders of religious sects or cults, for example, might be psychopaths if they lead their followers to their deaths. This subtype often comes to believe in their own fictions. They are irresistible.
PRIMARY PSYCHOPATHS do not respond to punishment, apprehension, stress, or disapproval. They seem to be able to inhibit their antisocial impulses most of the time, not because of conscience, but because it suits their purpose at the time. Words do not seem to have the same meaning for them as they do for us. In fact, it's unclear if they even grasp the meaning of their own words, a condition that Cleckley called "semantic aphasia." They don't follow any life plan, and it seems as if they are incapable of experiencing any genuine emotion.
SECONDARY PSYCHOPATHS are risk-takers, but are also more likely to be stress-reactive, worriers, and guilt-prone. They expose themselves to more stress than the average person, but they are as vulnerable to stress as the average person. They are daring, adventurous, unconventional people who began playing by their own rules early in life. They are strongly driven by a desire to escape or avoid pain, but are unable to resist temptation. As their anxiety increases toward some forbidden object, so does their attraction to it. They live their lives by the lure of temptation.
Hare's PCL-R 20-item checklist is based on Cleckley's 16-item checklist, and the following is a discussion of the concepts in the PCL-R:
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated,****, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. | |
|
daisie
|
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 197 | |
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:37:20 AM | As in the vast majority of hte questions on these forums...it depends on the individual.
Im sure some abusers seek out someone who is weak and easy to dominate. they seek that kind of person, because any true challenge to them would scare the be-jeezus out of em and they'd run home to mommy peeing their pants.
Others Im jsut as sure enter with good intentions and then things get stressful and this person does not know how or does not attempt to control their actions and behave in a civilized manner.
and...quite possible some of them seek out strong partners, because they do like the challenge and the risk and danger of a good fight and lots of tension.
who knows. I dont care really. Unless im getting paid the big bucks of a psych, im not spending too much time worrying about these guys.
but......i can say I ve worked with abused, neglected and drug babies and those kids are often "effed up" in a deeeeeeeeep way. they jsut dont know how to process normal things, normal things arent normal to them and they have a hard time learning to function in a society iwth rules. and these kids do grow up and become adults, like it or not. and if they never figured out HOW to be normal and WHAT is/is not acceptable...well then....waht they didnt know as kids, they still dont know as adults either.
merry xmas | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:03:54 AM | angelheart3:
Excellent as well!! Thank you!!
I don't know where my head was when I was young....wasted I suppose!! ("youth is wasted on the young")
I regret NOT educating myself on all the things that would, could and have affected me in life...... taking to the 'free spirit' lifestyle so much, too accepting of 'things'...w/out really trying to understand all the 'whys'....
I've learned most about myself and others through 'trial and error'....
I dig deep now into all the 'whys' of life...including my own....none of us are without something of some sort to 'work on'.....learning to 'work' on ones own issues has been my biggest lesson thus far!!
 | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:07:58 AM | | WOW, thanks for all those definitions!!! I'm actually none of the above! Please, a word of caution, be careful with that stuff. I knew a student of Sigmund Freud, she was very elderly when I knew her in the 70's she co-founded with her husband who also studied under Freud the co-ed boarding school I went to, she had a rule: "Der studentz must nat evar read zeez books (she had them locked in a glass cabinate) or ze vill develop some conditions under der psychosomatic influence". Gertrude was the one of the greatest people I ever knew, in loving memory let me just give you another one of her quotes: "No child can be so wrong". | |
|
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:14:32 AM |
waht they didnt know as kids, they still dont know as adults either.
Often, Daisy, the "behaviors" that made it possible for the victim of child abuse to survive the child abuse are carried into adulthood. While they may have been appropriate in childhood in order to survive, of course the behaviors are not appropriate as an adult. These survivors are still in survival mode when they transition into adulthood, adding of course to the potluck of issues PTSD.
You're right, they (kicking it up a notch to the adult level of those you reference) are not able to process normally because normal in their experience is not what you or I would define as normal. "Normal" is learned and if the first introduction to what a relationship is (parents) is not normal, then there is no frame of reference for comparison to know the difference. More often than not, by the time many of these survivors reach a point of intervention there is much more trauma on top of old trauma to work through. Applies to both victims and abusers. As for the drug babies, heart-wrenching as they are often born with permanent damage.
The sociopaths/personality disordered types are a different level of abuser. The best "defense" to minimize the risk of involvement is to be first and foremost well-grounded in one's own identity as well as healthy in mind. Low self-esteem, victim mentality and such are like magnets to these individuals (as they are to the typical abuser) - the consequences of such involvements are often of course devastating to the victims. | |
|
|
| Page 8 of 14
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 |
|
Home
login 
