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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/16/2007 6:38:32 PM | "Takes care of herself" = Looks after herself and her responsibilities: washes her clothes, showers, pays her bills, calls her girlfriends and has a good natter when she's feeling down.
"High Maintenance" = The man has to put in a lot of work for a very small result, such as a woman who expects her man to spend $300 a week on her, to get a look that could come out of a charity shop, which does good clothes, by the way. Or, he has to listen to her whinge, moan, and complain at him for the littlest things, completely draining his confidence, and takes away any time he has to get on with his bills, work, or other responsibilities in the bargain.
Coming from a family of women who both take care of themselves and are very high maintenance, I saw a VERY big red flag, the minute I read this sentence:
But men make more $ than most women, so if they had less than me, it was their own fault. A blanket statement that assumes that all men are capable of earning more than all women, even Anita Roddick, the founder of Body Shop, or Madonna, the pop star, shows a completely dismissive attitude to men and a throw-away attitude to relationships. It also shows you don't understand how financial success is built: it's built on confidence and self-belief, and you just undermined all that, in that one sentence.
Can it be done?
My best friend does it. Has done so, for all of her life.
Please Tell Us How????
You just have to consider how other people feel, and show that consideration and respect to those people, including the guy in your life.
Look after yourself. Get decent clothes. Go to a gym. Eat healthy. If you don't have enough money to look after yourself, tell your man that you'd like him to contribute, and what you want the money for, and that you checked out all the options, and this is by far the best deal. That's what we do in our life. We get value for money. You do too.
Get emotional support. If you need to talk to us about something in your life, by all means do so. But don't talk about the same problem, for 2 hours each night, night after night, and never do anything about it.
Don't continually put us down. We heard the put-down the first time. If we aren't listening, you said the wrong thing and turned us off.
Don't continually put-down men as a species. We are men. too. It doesn't help to say "but you're different, honey". Every time you say it, you are putting US DOWN, TOO.
Do appreciate us for what we do, we'll work harder for it.
Say "please" and "thank you" for everything we do, and we'll do it far more often.
Tell us you really appreciate it every time we take the garbage out, and we'll take it out the night before, w/out being asked, and checked all the bins if they needed emptying, too. As long as you thank us heartily again after we've done it.
Actually, the best way for you to understand how to make yourself "low maintenance", is to read "How To Win Friends And Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. He summarises the book in the first 3 chapters. The following 27 chapters are explanations of this, and NONE of those chapters are obvious. If you can do everything in that book, and the guy STILL doesn't think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, then you picked the wrong guy. He's a corpse. | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 103 | |
| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/18/2007 8:27:36 AM | There's quite a difference between "taking care of oneself" and "high maintenance".
Taking care of oneself: in shape, healthy, dresses like an adult, clean, takes care of her own bills and home, doesn't NEED or expect someone else to get her through life, can add something to a relationship, etc.
High maintenance: any one or all of the following-drama queen, emotional issues, gold digger, user, doesn't work, doesn't want to work, expects to be treated like a princess, but not willing to put anything into the relationship. In other words, the man will have to do a LOT of work to keep this one happy and will get a lot of grief in return. | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/18/2007 8:32:46 AM | Got to come back in and chime in on this one..
This conversation just came up last week with a bunch of my guy friends..
Here is a quick summary of their answers...
A woman that takes care of herself...
A woman that takes pride in how she looks..She runs the brush thru her hair.. A woman that when she gets out of the shower takes that time to lotion the body.. Eats right ... Gets her butt off the sofa or away from the computer..She excercises... She takes care of her needs... Comfortable in her own skin. She likes being a woman. She can get a little bit dirty and not freak.. Break a nail doesn't go hysterical...
A High Maintenance Woman.
A woman that will break a date with you for having a bad hair day.. Is more interested in the latest styles.. than going for walk .. A woman that loves DRAMA.... feeds off of it .
A woman that looks to others to feed her ego.. A woman that has to be constantly fawned over... A woman that everything has to go her way.. A self centered woman that can't see out of her own little world..A woman that expects the world given to her with out any effort...
A healthy balance of the woman...
There is a healthy balance here. A woman that can move raise the bar and knows when .. her guy's eyes are popping out on how good she looks.. But also, knowing they are going to go hiking or what ever the next day and she is going to be as comfortable in a pair of jeans and t-shirt as she is right now in the designer dress.. A woman that can give back as well as take in a relationship.. A woman that if she wants something isn't looking for someone to hand it to her. A woman that when drama starts in life which it does from time to time is as eager to jump off the band wagon as he is.. from it..
A woman that a can be there to give and take in a relationship.. That knows and expects to be real and not an empty headed barbie.. | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/18/2007 2:04:39 PM | Plenty of good definitions here. I'll add mine too.
High maintenance equates to a sense of entitlement. All the negatives associated with it stem from this single flaw. It's a belief that the man is 'expected' to pay for dates/presents etc, it's the belief that she *deserves* good luck, good weather, never to break her nails or be insulted in public, and everything in life to go her way - often regardless of how little she respects the rest of the world. It's the tantrums and drama that appear when the sense of entitlement and expectation goes unsatisfied in any aspect of life.
'Takes care of herself' on the other hand, simply means she takes pride in her appearance/health etc *without* any unbalanced expectations of how she should be treated by people or the world around her. And accordingly doesn't get upset when those unrealistic expectations are not consistently met.
I'm led to believe by popular opinion that most of the high maintenance women in the world hail from the United States of Entitlement, but I've never been so I really can't say whether this is true or not. | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/18/2007 3:23:27 PM | | Before I saw this thread, I NEVER thought anyone would confuse "High Maintenace" with "Drama Queen". I am pretty sure all the woment I know consider being called "High Maintenance" a comment that has to do with looks. Seems to me that most guys really like to look at women they consider high mantenance, but are either scared off (feeling unworthy), or worried how much it is going to cost them in the long run to keep this gorgeous woman gorgeous! Can we all just fess up here, and admit we all judge people by first appearances? At least to a point? But I will say-to go right out and call someone "High Maintenance" as an insult (when you don't even know them) is just childish and really are not worthy of a response. You have every right to feel the way you do Kari! | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/18/2007 7:57:46 PM |
All of my life I've heard men talk admiringly about a woman "who takes care of herself". What does that mean? She looks good? Wears nice cologne and clothes, shoes. Gets her hair and nails done, goes to the spa and exercises, keeps her figure, maybe even a little surgery...? If she has the time and money for all this, she's probably being kept by a sugar daddy or husband. So just what does it mean -"Takes care of herself"?
Good hygiene all around. In high school I had 2 girlfriends who didn't have so great hygiene, which means they had body odor (BO). Maintain a reasonable weight. To me that's what "taking care of herself" means.
Then you hear men speaking very angrily about women who are "high maintenance". So what does That mean? She does all the above and it costs money? Of course it does. And the older we get, the more 'maintenance' we need. Take a good look - maybe you need some maintenance yourself? But just because we look good doesn't mean we're to asking you to pay for it. It just might mean we have our own money to spend on ourselves, and why not? Don't you guys waste a lot of money on junk you don't need, like more than one car, or more of a car than you need? Or how about the other "vehicles" like boats, motorcycles, etc. ? I married a man who had a job paying more than I'd ever made, so I assumed if I had savings, he should as well. Not! He ended up blowing his salary & trying to get into my savings and spending it, too. I'd say He was "high maintenance", so this not just applies to women.
I think most guys don't mind spending some money to take care of his woman, but many have a problem with it when she DEMANDS it, and I've seen some profiles where women do just that.
Men and Women - what do you think about the conflicting statements of men wanting us to "Take Care of Ourselves", yet Not be "High Maintenance"? Can it be done? Please Tell Us How????
Brazilian women are a good example of women who take care of themselves as far as good hygiene and body weight go. I wouldn't go so far to say that some aren't materialistic. Some are. I think when most guys talk about not wanting a high-maintenance woman, he means that he doesn't want one who DEMANDS nice cars, huge mansions, $40-a-plate meals and trips around the world at HIS expense. I think most guys would agree with me on this one. | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/19/2007 12:48:26 AM |
Before I saw this thread, I NEVER thought anyone would confuse "High Maintenace" with "Drama Queen". I am pretty sure all the woment I know consider being called "High Maintenance" a comment that has to do with looks
Most guys don't define it that way though. Take a look at the top entry on UrbanDictionary.com:
Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention
To 99% of guys, high-maintenance refers to the amount of effort/time/money he has to put in to 'maintain' her contentedness. I'm pretty sure men invented the phrase, so our definition trumps yours :P
There is often a strong correlation with looks, but only because many of the best looking women who spend most effort on their appearance have so many men fawning over them that they believe they are the center of the world.
High-maintenance can become a drama queen when her requirements aren't met. If she didn't, she wouldn't be considered high maintenance in the first place... | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 9/19/2007 4:10:17 PM | Do the men who like to see a girl in a designer dress one day and jeans the next have a complementary array of clothing?
Does a gal become high maintenance if she asks to be dined (once in two months) in a restaurant that has cloth tablecloths--especially if she has served the same fare to you in her own home throughout that time?
Is a woman a drama queen if she lets you know she is disappointed if you're an hour late--consistently? Or is she creating drama if it takes her 1/2 hour to commute home during rush hour?
I've found lotsa these guys who want me to take care of myself (and I do) can have weight, bill-paying, hygiene, and clothing-related issues: when the rubber meets the road (when they are faced with the AWARENESS she recognizes these discrepancies), then suddenly SHE looks more high maintenance.
To the guy who wrote about not wanting to be met with 2 hours of whining while keeping you from getting your work done--that goes both ways!! Maybe you and I are givers and we attract...the whiners...I've BEEN there! And consciously ask myself if "the team" (us) is anywhere in my guy's conscious or subconscious thoughts.
Sometimes complaints are inteneded to keep the RELATIONSHIP intact, not merely picking on you as a person. I wonder how often the less-than-effusive positive feedback is perceived as an attack. (I think I'd cringe if I got a man-size helping of effusive thanks...but a little thanks for small thoughtful gestures would go a long way).
Fer example: taking out the trash would receive all kinds of positive feedback!!!! But it, or something resembling courtesy and effort, needs to happen before it can be reinforced! (see blog on hint vs. ask: if you have to ask...all the time...it becomes drudgery). Light-hearted reminders cannot eclipse an obvious it's-just-not-that-important-to-me-to-be-helpful attitude. Not selfishness, or laziness, even, but a real lack of motivation in having a relationship in the first place.
Maybe I've been trained--I dress nice, exercise, enjoy being a gracious host--fairly self contained--showing initiative and interest sets the whole attitutude and future...a lack of effort, and well.... | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 11/29/2007 4:51:49 PM | These are 2 totally separate things. A woman who takes care of herself is something to be treasured. I am a bloke (the last time I checked anyway) and like to take care of myself. I do this because I want a sexy lady to respect my body and me as a person. I assume a sexy lady that takes care of herself does this for a similar reason. A woman that is classed as or is called high maintenance is what I perceive to be a sexy lady that wants more than she is getting or is very selfish. She isn't the kind that does all the thing mentioned afore like spending so much time and money on herself that makes her high maintenance.
I know this because I have experienced a girl that is high maintenance and she was that for the reason she only ever thought about how she felt or how she expected life to go her way. She was trapped in her own little life bubble and was unable to see other people have a life too.
So in answer to the question why do men want a woman that takes care of herself, yet doesn't want one who's high maintenance. it is clear for any human with a life or a heart to see. everybody not just us blokes...want someone that will not just think of themselves but also think of their other half and other people around them.
Fancy asking a question like this in the 1st place is it not obvious?????? | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 11/30/2007 4:16:56 AM | RE: How can you tell just by looking? I think I'm not. I'm very independent, always had to work for what I have, and definitely have not been spoiled ever in my life. In fact, just once I'd like to be sopiled!
What do you want, a cookie?
Most men have to work for what they have, as well as for the people around them. It's pretty much a standard for a married man to hand his paycheque to his spouse after working hard for the money, and seeing none of it. Seeing ANY disposable income going into things SHE wants, and he simply gets NOTHING for himself out of his labour. And if he does, it's selfish. | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 11/30/2007 7:08:12 AM | Wow, anger management classes may help.
Op, sounds like you had a loser for an EX on your hands and your now taking it out on all men. Everyone has a right as to how they live thier lives. Not everyone will follow your examples. Does that mean they made the wrong choices in life? I really don't think so.
You sound like your "running with scissors". Please set them down and back away. It will be all OK and you will find exactly what your seeking with-in due time. | |
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| Why do men want a woman who Takes Care of Herself, yet Don't want one who's High Maintenance?
Posted: 11/30/2007 7:09:26 AM | Taking care of yourself means eating right, excerise, eduaction, continued work towards self improvement.
High mainenance, I'd say tough to please, overly picky, takes too long to get moving as they won't leave the house without 200 layers of makeup (try lip gloss and go), needy, clingy, unable to solve lifes problems, dependant, etc. | |
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