| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/17/2009 11:54:31 AM | | I cannot imagine what a woman who is a lawyer or a doctor or a CEO must have to go through to find a man, especially if she is not great looking to men. Plus, she would be worried about a man hooking up cause she has a good income. I am a public school teacher, and seem to intimidate because I have a graduate degree I will tell any man I am about as smart as a box of rocks when it comes to some things, and there are many types of intelligences. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:20:12 PM | | I think being 'too picky' and 'just settling' are way overused in the dating world. We each have a few, certain, non-negotiable things we need in another person in order for them to be attractive to us. Once they're found in someone, the rest are just wants, not needs; but on any given day and time, those wants can come in various degrees of desire, and we know this; in the end, it all comes down to whether we feel right with another person. Only each one of us can decide when enough of our 'wants' are present for the other person to be a possible mate, and how much we are willing to give up in order to find a mate. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:33:37 PM | | I find it a bit telling on the part of a man when he says that I am too picky when they learn that I have not been married. Makes me want to ask them whey they were not picky enough, as they are usually divorced, but they would then say that I was a *itch, even though they were not rude to ask or tell me that I am too picky....as they have no idea who I have met and dated in my past, and I have no idea about his ex wife..... | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/18/2009 4:18:37 AM | Sorry DEAR but there have been many many scientific studies where they show a person a photo of someone, and get no response, then fill the air with pheromones which creates the endorphin effect and show them the same photo and get a physiological response.
Making you feel euphoric when you're with a member of the opposite sex IS the reason people are open to allowing themselves to become emotionally attached. I said it will make one open to the possibilities, and that is precisely what it does. Sure, there has to be intellectual, spiritual connections as well because we complex beings seem to require that.
As for taking advantage of friends for our own goals. That's BS of the highest magnitude. So you use your friends for your own gain? I certainly don't. I have friends who I have housed when they lost their home, fed them, given them money and when they got a new place, leant them money, given them bedding and furniture, helped them move in with their SO, helped them move out when it didn't work out, etc etc etc and in 10 yrs I have never asked them for a thing! How is THAT using them for my own goals? I also have friends who I have helped them continuously by building things for them, helping them fix their car, picked them up and driven them home at 2 am because they are too drunk to drive, picked up female friends who have been on bad dates, Oh yeah, I guess I'm a liar then because the only thing that I have received is friendship and the social interaction that goes along with my friendships.
I tell you this: if any of my friends DEMANDED anything from me? Well, lol, that doesn't bode well for a friendship!
As for why I am single, I choose to be at this point in my life. I've had offers but at this stage of my life I am 100% content the way things are. I don't need someone in my life to make me happy, and I don't waste time chasing women who don't want to get caught. If I happen to meet someone great, if I don't great. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:38:56 AM |
I am an educated professional woman, and seek the same. He can have street smarts, book smarts, etc. I use the term professional loosely, as I do not require a man to have a certain type of profession, just that he is happy with who he is and what he does and pays his bills.
I have often just wished they were able to spell simple words. I am really sorry that the education system has failed, but that doesn't mean I need to deal with people who are barely literate enough to communicate at all.
Do I think my standards are too high? Well to be honest they are high but not unachievable, I think about the last man in my life, and the one before that, and think I am worth similar again. If I expect the next man to be of a similar standard given that not a huge amount of time has elapsed, I don't think that is unreasonable.
No way am I going to settle, I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person. I guess it comes down to how much you hate being alone. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:23:04 AM | Who determines who is too picky? Those who want someone that's not interested in them?
I read on here alot from posters who say things like 'why can't some people take a chance and go out with someone they wouldn't normally date'. Now, what is the point in that?? If I know I'm not visually or mentally attracted to you, that is a waste of your time and mine. And IMO it is deceitful to the other person, whom you are leading to believe that there may be a chance at something.
I don't think people are picky due to the vast array of choices. They are picky because they know what they want, most likely from past experiences that taught them what they DON'T want. I could care less if there are a million men online or in person. I'm only looking for one. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:43:48 AM | There is one thing worse than being alone and that is being with the wrong person.
I have high expectations too and wont settle for someone I dont fancy or like.
I think all the best people are already taken and are being well looked after by someone. The rest are on dating sites or in pub and clubs waiting and hoping someone will pick them up. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:32:39 AM | ~~countrygrl12345 ~~ said it best  But I can't help but comment on this...
~~~3. There has to be a spark....has to be some magik, some connection.~~~~
Sorry, I have to laugh. You do realize that spark is just a chemical reaction right? I bet if you went to your doctor and asked for an injection of endorphins right before a date with a total loser, you'd be all over him like white on rice.
Ummm.... No but hey, go ahead & give it a try...
Let me know how that goes for you. 
Funny thing too about sparks: they are bright for an instant and then gone. I'd rather live the rest of my life with someone I enjoy everyday with than someone I felt a spark with for 4 yrs and then they're gone.......
This is Exactly why Not to "settle"! I'm not looking for Brad frakin Pitt or well in my case Vin Diesel.   I do however expect someone that I am physically & emotionally Very attracted to & in turn expect them to feel the same about me. Is that really too much to ask?  I could care less if there are 100 million fish in the pool! I am not nor have ever been "confused" by "too many choices". "imho" Anyone that is, doesn't really know what they want or aren't looking for something "real".
Here's another analogy: For me, I think a redwood forest is a true thing of beauty. It last for millions of years (ok thousands) it takes a millenium to grow. Then you have a rose garden. Plant it, it looks beautiful for half the year, then dies.....
Wow, maybe you should buy a rubber plant! Do you think a redwood forest stays so beautiful on its own? Sure nature takes a big part but it takes park staff working to maintain and restore to be kept this way. Ok, I can hear you digging holes in my idea but anyway... I get what you're saying there but unless I can get a permanent injection of endorphins to "supposedly" give me this attraction to someone that I am otherwise not attracted to physically or mentally than well, I'll be  &  for as long as it takes. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:00:58 AM | Who determines who is too picky? Those who want someone that's not interested in them?
If that were always the case, you wouldn't find so many posts that say things like ``Have all the good ones been taken?'' or ``Does anybody want a relationship?'' Be as picky as you like, but once you start complaining about not being able to find someone who meets your qualifications, you need to think about what you really want and see if what you want is reasonable.
They are picky because they know what they want, most likely from past experiences that taught them what they DON'T want.
That is provably incorrect just by looking through all of the threads in which people complain about picking the same wrong type of person over and over, despite claims of being picky in other threads. It's more likely that that people simply won't admit what they really want because they don't want to see themselves or have others see them as ``superficial'' (whatever that means), so they really are much pickier than they will admit once you factor in everything they don't say. Having so many choices gives people the illusion that there is always someone better just beyond the horizon, and they are too stupid to know when they have what they want and to stop looking for something ``better'' (which seems to result in the situation I noted above). If someone won't even admit what his/her real criteria are, they will keep looking and they will keep finding the wrong people. Be as picky as you like, but don't complain about the results. I would also add that lots of people want things that are really about making up for things they need to fix in themselves.
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:24:44 AM |
Why settle for 2nd best when you can have the best....
You shouldn't. However, lots of people post complaint about all of those best ones they get. Slogans are just another way of not thinking. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:28:50 AM | Some people call it "lowering your standards", others call it "being reasonable with your standards".
My theory is that people who are described as "TOO" picky really don't want to be in a relationship. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 7:21:04 AM | Why settle for 2nd best when you can have the best....someone told me that and words to live by :)
As stated over and over in this thread: are YOU the best? If not then do you think you can actually HAVE the best? I think the whole thing about what someone wants is they have to be realistic in their wants. Sure, I want a DB9 but let's be realistic here, I don't think I should sell my loft to get one (but oh what a work of art it is! lol)........so I "settled" for my beautiful loaded F150 crew cab which also happens to allow me to haul 4 x 8 sheets of plywood.
I find it funny though: you constantly read (typically from women) who say that all men want the blonde beach babe pinup girl. Yet every one of my male friends who are/were married, not a one ever married or even dated a woman like that. In fact, I dated someone who was close to that description and she was way too insecure and required way too much maintenance. That taught me find Ms Average and enjoy your time together instead of Ms Beautiful and spend all your free time supporting her fragile ego.....
As for the park rangers maintaining the redwood forests: if you read up on them the WORST thing you can do to a forest is to clean out the underbrush (lol isn't there a thread on female "underbrush" somewhere? lol). A redwood forest, or boreal forest is perfect when left as mother nature intended it. So my analogy still stands: I'd rather have a redwood forest than a rose garden for I'd rather love it for 1000 years than one season. TYVM
Just one more thing on realistic or unrealistic goals/wants: I knew a teen who was all up on trying out for Canadian Idol. I asked them: why don't you set some realistic goals? For eg: can you sing better than whitney houston? No. What makes you think you can win or even compete then? Way to ruin my dream. I said "maybe you should have a more realistic dream of getting a high school diploma first and or get some vocal lessons". One has to be realistic, maybe in fantasy land she could win but if you can't sing, you can't win..... | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 7:29:28 AM |
It works like this. Set your expectations high, then continually lower them over time until you meet someone.
That's a good one dude! lol....but you know, according to some on this thread, you should NEVER lower your standards...EVER lol..... | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 8:06:55 AM | It's not about settling or finding someone "worthy" or up to your level.
It's about finding someone compatible.
To me the mindset is different. When you're looking for someone compatible that means you know YOURSELF enough to know what you need.
And to me looking for or expecting "the best" implies some objective bullsh!t criteria and hierarchy for all of humanity - like you're oi one caste and you're looking for someone in the same caste worthy for you to date. Maybe people aren't really saying that, but sometimes it sure sounds like it.
When I was younger I used to pick out all these arbitrary qualities a girl should have for me consider dating her. Most weren't even qualities I personally needed in a girlfriend, but they were some some society reinforced bullsh!t. Now i'm older and I understand myself better and know what I actually need.
I don't need the best. I'm not the best. I don't someone with high worth, because i'm nothing but dust anyway. All I need is somebody good for me. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 8:22:45 AM | So, all you need in a lady is the fact that she has to have a dustpan? lol
Sorry Chillin, I couldn't resist lol......
Just one thing: I don't think anyone should "need" anything in a partner. Well, other than needing a pulse I guess lol oh and maybe be of the same species and a few other non-negotiable traits but I think someone should be entirely self sufficient and happy before dating. Not to pick on Chillin but I think anyone who "needs" something from a potential partner needs to work on themselves first. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 8:27:19 AM | | Spark definitely needs to be there, like a car needs a lot of things to get it started (spark, gas, air, electricity), so does a relationship (chemistry, honesty, trust, communication, affection) if I'm not getting that from someone, I'll go to someone else who can. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 10:50:24 AM | | Don't settle! It may take a while but odds are you'll find an exact (or 98+%) match on what you're looking for -- at least that has been my experience. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 10:53:24 AM |
Don't settle! It may take a while but odds are you'll find an exact (or 98+%) match on what you're looking for -- at least that has been my experience.
LOL oh, I can't resist, I know I should, but, just, can't, help, myself, arrrggghhhh
I think it helps to have more requirements than the fact that she has to have something more than a pulse lol.
SOrRy, I ReALly am, but I just couldn't let that go by...lol..... | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 11:13:55 AM | See, I knew I heard you digging holes in my forest theory. *lol* That's ok, was just being silly but I'll try again to make my point here...
I get so sick of hearing people imply that someone should lower their standards! Unless you know Exactly what my standards are, you have no clue... I would be sickened at the idea that someone lowered their standards in choosing me, or to find out that they considered me average. I consider anyone that I would date to be a 10 in looks, "in my eyes", otherwise I wouldn't date them. Then personality will hopefully make them a 10+. If you don't see someone you date a 10 or better yet a 10 plus then I feel sorry for you & for them. I could go on but nah! *lol*  | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 12:58:23 PM | Ah, there's the rub! I find with most women, the guy has to be a 10 immediately upon first contact. No 10 no phone number, no conversation, no getting to know you...nothing.
For example: I dated a woman for 5 yrs. It took me 2 months of asking, hinting, etc to get her to go out with me and then it was only to take her and her friends out for a midnight cruise on my boat. This included mutual acquaintances saying to her "go OUT with him already...".
After about 6 months of dating I finally asked her why the hell she never said yes? She said she didn't want to tell me cuz it might hurt my feelings. Eventually she said: she didn't find me the least bit attractive. I said: on a scale of 1 to 10, what was I? She said maybe a 5. After she went out with me and her friends, I was an 8, then after our 4th date, I was a 12 and now I was a 20......she simply adored me (her words). For the record she wasn't the only woman would said this about me either....that I grew on them (and I say: like mold??? lol).
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can have the steak, you can have the sizzle, but rarely, VERY rarely do you find both in a person....... | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:10:30 PM | | That is what everyone seems to not understand, that having the steak and having the sizzle is a rare event, and sometimes a hamburger is as tasty as filet mignon when combined with the right accompaniments. | |
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| Too picky? Just don't want to settle
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:26:34 PM |
See, I knew I heard you digging holes in my forest theory. *lol* That's ok, was just being silly but I'll try again to make my point here...
I get so sick of hearing people imply that someone should lower their standards! Unless you know Exactly what my standards are, you have no clue... I would be sickened at the idea that someone lowered their standards in choosing me, or to find out that they considered me average. I consider anyone that I would date to be a 10 in looks, "in my eyes", otherwise I wouldn't date them. Then personality will hopefully make them a 10+. If you don't see someone you date a 10 or better yet a 10 plus then I feel sorry for you & for them. I could go on but nah! *lol*
Thats crazy. Everything is an ingredient. Looks, money, earning, ambition, kindness, caring, ALL that. Lowering your standards isn't the key. Its having a scale.
For example. No lie i'm an awesome guy. Am i a physical 10? Not even in the eyes of the woman that loves me (and she most certainly does). In terms of physical good looks i'm prolly more of a 7. But if you asked her, she'd tell you i'm a 10 because of other things.
You don't HAVE to be megan fox in your b/f's eyes to be the best person EVER for them. What you do need is an ATTRACTION. Thats all. If i only dated the women i thought were 10's physically without speaking to them i'd have been on like 2 dates in my life lol.
I hate to rain on your parade, but every single person you've ever been with settled on you. EVERY one. We call it compromise. Maybe you aren't as clean as he would like, maybe your hair too long, maybe not intelligent enough or funny enough. They liked you for who you were as a WHOLE.
I'm completely willing to "settle" for an amazing women that wouldn't be a 10 for every man out there. Looks are just PART of what makes a 10 for me. I guess the major difference is that you have a 10 in attractiveness as a prerequisite, for me its just a piece of the puzzle.
I found my woman, and I didn't settle. She's great. | |
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