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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 10:15:28 AM | Barring the slim but not unrealistic possibility that something catastrophic happened in the lady's life, I have to say that standing you up without notice was just WRONG. Somebody said maybe she couldn't ride a bike so she bailed out...now that's just plain dumb! Why in the world would anyone agree to a date to do something they didn't know how to do( or weren't willing to learn?)
OP, I'm very sorry for your loss and also sorry that your first attempt at connecting with someone beyond that first meeting was a fiasco. Please don't let that put you off. But yeah, having the internet as ONE means of meeting dating prospects does throw an odd twist into the mix, to say the least.
To a couple of guys who posted that they get rejected after the women find out that their income is low; you call that a LOSS?? Of course, to be fair, many women who are financially stable do worry about guys looking for a "sugar momma" , not suggesting that the men who posted ARE, just mentioning it as a concern. On the other hand there are women looking to bootstrap themselves up to a higher financial bracket by marriage or longterm relationship...I'm not saying those women are either good or bad, smart or dumb, I'm just saying that's what SOME do.
Cindy O | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 10:23:38 AM | | I am sorry this has happened to you.Maybe she had in her profile that she had alot of interests but that could have been from awhile ago.Maybe she was caught anddidn't want to let you know she wasn't able to do those things.No offense to the age group.My mother has come to the reality she can't do everything she use to as well.We will all be there at one point in life...I wish you the best with the next one you choose | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 10:27:32 AM |
We really seemed to connect and I thought she really liked me because she gave me a warm hug when we left.
I'm sorry to welcome you back into the dating world due to your circumstances. Hope your memories of your wife will forever be cherished.
The "warm hug" was the big indication that she wasn't really sensing chemistry with you. It wasn't a surprise then to read she flaked out on you later. Some women just can't say no, because they don't want to hurt your feelings to your face. Or to your voice mail. Or whatever other reason they have, but they say "no" in other ways.
The question isn't really about online dating, this could happen if you had first met her in real life too. It's more about how people who aren't vested into others feel more at liberty to flake. Whether they're 56 or 19, it's all the same.
The way to overcome this, I think, isn't to piss and moan about what cowards people are or how they are rude or any such thing. Instead, I think it's a matter of understanding that this is human behavior and to be expected now and then, and to learn how to pick up the accompanying clues that the stranger you're dealing with could act this way, and to further understand why people aren't sensing that chemistry.
That's when things will change for you. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 10:44:50 AM | I'm sorry that you experienced such rudeness and insensitivity, New2singlelife. I learned quickly that online dating requires a very thick skin. That does not excuse the rudeness one encounters, of course.
I note that your wife died just 9 months ago. I wonder if the freshness of that loss leaves you in a fragile and vulnerable place. I began dating just 3 months after my husband left me (for another woman), and with hindsight, I was not ready to date for at least a year after my separation.
When relationships did not work out for me in that first year, I took things way too hard. I wonder if perceived "rejections" will be harder for you to take in this early stage of grieving.
I do understand the need to reach out for human contact. I hope that you find more kindness and consideration in your future online dating experiences. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 10:59:28 AM | Geneseo on message 6, great post.
You do sound like a deep thinker and whatever you [your subconscious?lol] meant by the term ,"Some fishies are drowning, and a life line might work better, then throwing them a rock...." , I like the profound feeling of that. Really good.
I really think the post hit home , for the OP too in his bad experience, for the woman did not consider him as a real human-value in that- with feelings.
Sorry to hear OP you were treated like a 'game'. Too many behind pc's are doing that.
However, there are some being themselves from the start-no pretense or bs- , and you will find one of those.
Luck to all,
Gren | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 11:38:38 AM | op:
I just read both pages of this Forum and a thought came to me. We each have different levels of comfort in regard to getting off the keyboard and into a coffee shop. I can only see it from a woman's point of view. I am not shy, so I can discuss a possible meeting very easily.
But, for those who are, I'm wondering if it might be possible for the man to say something to the lady...after at least a few emails and then probably a phone call or two,..."I'd very much like to meet you, but, I am willing to wait until you feel comfortable meeting me. I have let you know my feelings and I will not coax you. However, I want you to know that I will be happy for you to tell me you'd like to meet me, whenever you feel the time is right."
Also, in regard to telephone calls...In response to men wishing to call me, I tell them that I would be more comfortable making a call to him, if I may. In this way, I can use *67 in front of the number that I am calling and retain my annonymity until ready to reveal it. I have been quite surprised by a couple of very indignant responses to my request, but, I obviously learned that they were unable to put their sister, or their mother into the picture and truly care about their safety. Another weeding out process, I guess.
This would also apply to your comment concerning a limited budget...You do not want a woman who is not prepared to accept you as who you are! Right?
You are new to the online dating process. I'm hoping that your grieving is not showing through to the ladies with whom you communicate. You are, of course, entitled to this period of grieving, and, there is no need for you to "wait" for re-connection to the outside world. But, a new lady on the other end of the keyboard or phone, may not be comfortable dealing with your grieving. I'm just asking that you keep it in mind and proceed accordingly.
I refuse to condem all men for the sins of others in the past. It takes hard work to do this, but I'm convinced that, unless the doors to my mind are open, no one will be permitted to enter. Another thought that you may wish to ponder.
Sincerely,
KnittinKitten | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/18/2007 1:12:43 PM | I think she was either abducted by aliens (if she lives by the border they could have been illegal ones) or she spontaneously combusted. Ok, on a more serious note, look at it this way: Bad dates, no shows and psychos make us appreciate the good ones who are out there. Aren't you glad you found out that she wasn't trustworthy after 1 date vs a year or two later? Also there are 2 sides to every story, is it possible that in your situation you may have read something into the situation? If a woman is interested she initiates contact, maintains contact and doesn't just drop off the face of the planet.
I'm very sorry about your wife passing away. Dating can be hard and especially difficult when you haven't done it in a long time. Be patient with yourself and others and remember that every fish in this pond is unique both good and bad. Find the one who gives as much as you do (and only time will give you the truth on that) and enjoy! | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:40:18 AM | Sorry if you all may have thought I was generalizing about only women doing this kind of thing. I realize both sexes do it. I only asked about women because they are the only ones I am communicating with.
This is not the only time this has happened to me. Several months ago, a 52 year old single lady who I was seeing in person and by telephone for about 6 weeks suddenly wanted to end our friendship without offering any explanation why. All our discussions were very friendly and cordial before the incident. I'm still perplexed about it. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:50:29 AM |
I guess one could also say that you are pretty quick to slam the door. Before you conclude that it was all bad behavior on her part, you should at least make one attempt to contact her.
I waited 2 days because it happened on a Friday and she may have been away for the weekend. However, on Monday I noticed that she had been on POF. I messaged her twice on Monday and Tuesday asking her if she wanted to re-schedule our meeting. I didn't receive a reply even though the messages had been read. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:58:02 AM | If you want to test your self esteem go on internet dating. It' s sad but true. Would like to cut her some slack but sorry. The best advice I was given is never look past the first date
Whatever you are told or however you think things went, you never know what the other person's motives are. It's hurtful and confusing in the singles scene. Honesty seems to be too much to ask for. Sorry to hear of your loss. Makes it even harder when being single is the last place you want to be rt now. Hop on your bike and go for a ride. There's women out there riding as well that would love some company. Hang in there. The singles scene can be really tough on the heart. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/19/2007 12:05:18 PM | Sorry "New" that this is happening to you. I don't understand someone's refusal to, at the least, be upfront and honest in telling you why they have lost interest. Most of us can take the truth...even if it is painful. It's the grown up and honorable thing to do.
I do have a pretty delicate question for you.
I realize that the loss of your partner was rather recent. 
Are many of your conversations with these new women "about your loss, your wife, life with her, etc"?
The reason I bring this up is due to a recent experience with a client of mine. He lost his wife to cancer a little over a year ago. And everytime he has a drink he carries on about her, their life, etc. His dates run. He keeps lamenting his bad dating experiences..I don't know how to suggest he veer away from the subject. One date he had whispered to me that she felt she was on a threesome date.
Anyway.. sorry your first experiences back in this huge sea have been so unsettling.
Can only go uphill from here! Lots of fish and many kind, and interesting ones..just most are in deeper water. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/19/2007 12:25:09 PM |
Are many of your conversations with these new women "about your loss, your wife, life with her, etc"?
No, I don't dwell on my life with my late wife. I do tell people about her and her illness for background information about me. I also answer any questions I'm asked about her. But I prefer to talk about my present life, current events and/or my companion's life, etc. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/19/2007 8:51:07 PM | In reference to Islgurl's post, I have something personal to add.
Two years ago I dated a man whose partner had died of cancer only 4 months before we met. I had grave misgivings about dating a man so recently bereaved, but he insisted that he was ready for a relationship.
He didn't carry on about his former partner----she actually seldom came up in conversations. Yet she was a constant presence in our relationship.
How could I compete with the perfect memory he had of her? It was a losing proposition.
Perhaps, OP, when you are meeting women, they sense the Elephant in the Room, despite the fact that you do not dwell upon your late wife in conversations. This is in no way a criticism. It is perfectly understandable that your wife continues to play a large role in your thoughts and your life.
In any case, the way the woman you describe simply disappeared from your life, without a word, is inexcusable, in my mind. I find it a particularly cruel thing to do to someone in your position as someone so recently bereaved. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/30/2007 8:31:50 PM | Dont feel bad, Ive dealt with the same thing with women 30 to 55 yrs, its just to easy for a Click and you have that next heart thumper on your screen, ive just accepted the fact that most women here are clicking for meals or movies, the last 3% are over loaded with options they cant decide,,,,,,,, so  for all
Rod from IL | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 42 | |
| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:52:32 PM | OP - on the surface from what you've told us, yes, it appears that this woman was rude. Things like this happen to each and every one of us. Unfortunately, in the early stages of "dating", which you really aren't "dating" this woman (too soon in the relationship to make that determination), most people feel they don't "owe" an explanation for the disappearing act.
No one should be rude, etc. The computer, telephones, etc. don't substitute for the good ol fashioned dating means relating. Have you thought about picking up the phone and saying "would you like to go for a bike ride, sorry we missed the opportunity the other day".
Also, OP - if she's 56 years old, she probably grew up with the notion of men take the "initiative" in courtship. I know at 51 years young, I'm kind of a coward of picking up the phone and calling a man (unless I've known him for awhile). I can still hear my Mom's nagging voice "let the boy call you". I know, I'm working on outgrowing that. | |
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| Why do women slam the door shut so quickly?
Posted: 6/30/2007 11:13:52 PM | "STOP GENERALIZING"
Why do people post this? There was only one place in the post where the OP used the word women (the rest of it referred to one woman), and there he was simply asking a question regarding women:
******Do women view men's photos as mere pixels, rather as human beings with feelings and emotions?*******
Geez, what's he supposed to say to NOT GENERALIZE? Give it a break! Besides, what a person experiences with men or women is what they have experienced with men or women. Period. No one can possibly experience all men or women. OP never used the word ALL.
:) Cali | |
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