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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:27:48 AM | Your first mistake is thinking you could/can find a good relationship from someone you have met briefly in a Bar, you do not know this person and your only investment is a couple of hours of your time.....you danced had fun and are disapointed the guy is a bit slippery, count your blessings and don't be so silly in the future.
Far better to go slowly but, I don't think people are much interested in going slowly in this day and age........and there is the Root, of Your particular problem.......I suspect.............Lucky 123 | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:30:21 AM |
I guess I'm with the Cupid crew in that I'm wondering why everyone is already looking to pin the player tag on the guy. So he and his friend do a spiel where they play him off as doctor initially. Did he not retract that statement shortly after. Breaking the ice can be difficult at any age as far as I can tell, so puffing up ones self image is a feasible concept.
If this guy is in the OP's age group, playing on a little story about what he does fo ra living is not only lying, it's pretty stupid, immature behavior, IMO...and would he have come clean so fast if the OP wasn't a nurse and able to ask him questions he had no answers for? If not, then he's no better than the guy another user posted about in a different athread who lied that he had a job for 6 months because he was 'embarrassed' to be unemployed. Lying about being a doctor isn't breaking the ice; saying 'hello' is. and did others miss that this guy was doing a lot of texting and asking the OP to call him? Obviously nothing's wrong with his fingers since he can text; so why doesn't he just pick up the phone and call her? Isn't the OP worth that much? I think she's worth it, and I'm not even looking to date her (no offense OP, but I like men ;>). | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:46:55 AM | The funny part of it all is that if this was a guy posting this "problem", people would say he's obsessed and needy (traits women often complain about and run from).
Especially since they had just met and have not even had ONE date yet!
THEY JUST MET!
Give it a chance.
Wow, are you people always so quick to jump to conclusions and overly analyze things?
I consider myself a very analytical person, but when circumstances allow for it ,and this time I think it's too soon to necessisarily read too far into things.
Many of you are too quck to judge and dismiss others.
It really is a shame because I can just imagine how many great friendships/romantic relationships you all may have missed out on due to your hastiness.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, AT THE VERY LEAST THE GUY HELPED MAKE YOUR NIGHT OUT CLUBBING A LITTLE MORE MEMORABLE THAN IT MAY HAVE BEEN WITHOUT HIM, NO?
MANY TIMES WE GO CLUBBING WITH OUR FRIENDS AND IT ENDS UP BEING JUST THAT. US BEING OUT WITH OUR FRIENDS, NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.
AS LEAST YOU MET SOMEONE THAT NIGHT AND SHARED A FEW LAUGHS, DRINKS AND SOME DANCING OR WHATEVER.
If nothing more comes out of this then at least you had that one night.
Afterall, who really knows if this is something that would have even endured 2 or 3 dates. | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:48:16 AM | FLASH * FLASH *
UPDATE, UPDATE ******
Ok, he called me back (just as he said he would, as he did when he said he had to get off when his friend was leaving) I was going about my business, cleaning up, and listening to my iPod, so I missed his call. Just before we hung up, I had asked him if he (being that he's a computer network engineer) help me with my Vista, 'cause I can't seem to network my Vista system with my XP system (he started talking NET BIOS, and because he said he had to get off the phone, he said he'd call me back and try to help me through it....SO, HE KEPT HIS WORD, on that. About two hours later, I called him back letting him know that I would be off today on tuesday so if he had time to call then to walk me through my networking, I'd be home. That's all I said. (It was about 9:30pm, probably when he puts the kids to bed, since that's when I put mine to bed)....
I appreciate everyone's comments. Quite varied...and I'm glad they were, since I wanted to get all opinions....(although toenailclippings can stay off my thread if she doesn't like it, instead of criticizing me; not necessary  )
I definitely agree with cupid. There is a lot of negativity on this thread. And I do consider the fact that a) we just met...haven't even had a real date...so it's way to soon to judge him...or anyone in just one meeting, unless their behavior is cleary horrible)
I, personally, don't have a problem with the Dr. story...why? Cause he didn't tell me, it was his friend...and he didn't once brag about it or even bring it up....I DID. I said "Oh, you're a doctor huh, well...I'm a nurse, isn't that funny"...when I questioned him on a couple things...(and he couldn't give me the answer....he didn't want to talk about it, that's what he said, He actually said "Let's talk about something else"...so I dropped it.
I sensed a definite reluctance for him to talk about it as the night progressed.
I understand that meeting someone on simply one night doesn't mean a hill of beans, that it takes time to get to know someone. I admit, I was definitely excited at the prospect of getting to know him more, of going out with him....because he 1) seemed like a lot of fun, he enjoyed dancing, he laughed alot, he was easy to talk to and I felt comfortable around him...all how I FELT. I also sensed he just might be attracted to me considering he called me everyday since we met, fesses up right away about the doctor thing and said he was sorry...AND he said more than once, he wanted us to go out, get together, etc....I dont' have blinders on. However, sometimes I know myself and when I'm eager or excited, I overlook things...
I also think that since no time was made for the 'date', that on one hand, it wasn't 'set in stone' and he might've thought Tuesday was the night....I'm not sure...all he said Sunday is he'd call me with directions around 2pm (which he did) And when he told me he was sick when he got up, maybe he thought I'd assume that a heavy Italian meal might not do well on his stomach. I don't know about anyone else, but I've had 24 hour bugs, called out of work, and later in the day felt better to go to the store, but not necessarily on a date. Running to the store and going on a dinner date, very different.
I'm not making excuses for him, BUT I think I shouldn't judge him to be a player or dishonest so quickly.
He did say "Can we get together later in the week?" and I replied..."well tonite would have been good, but I'll have to check with my ex and see when he can take the boys"...
To which he replied, "That's fine, you don't have to let me know now, you can let me know tomorrow" I asked him what night was best for him and he said..."It doesn't matter, YOU tell me what's good for YOU, I'll work around it"
So, here's my plan. Today I'm off and I'm going to do stuff around the house, listen to my iPod while I'm doing that and get ready to go back to work tomorrow. I normally keep my cell in my handbag, sometimes on my table if I'm expecting a call....I don't carry it on my waist and I don't have pockets on me today....I don't plan on checking my phone to see if he called, I'll get to it when I get to it....most of my friends don't call during the day, so if I get any calls on it, it would probably be him....also, my friends will call me before 9pm at home so I save on my minutes....when I am done doing my chores (which will be late 'cause my house is a mess) I'll see if he called. If he did, maybe I'll call him back if it's not too late, I'll see.
If he mentions getting together on Thursday (I told him I will be in Center city on Thurs evening to drop papers off to a friend of mine - this is the halfway point between our houses....) I will ask him then, a) Are you sure it's a good night for you??? and b)
Let's pick a time now, since I'm going to be in town and I'm going to plan around that....
This way things will be clear and not open to misunderstanding....
Also, I never put all my eggs in one basket, not until I'm committed. Since I am going to be in Center City on Thursday, I called my financial advisor and told him I'd be there and suggested maybe we go out for a drink (I've had the hots for him since last Decemeber, but he hasn't asked me out yet...he may not be interested, but a drink won't hurt...I already told him I enjoy talking to him and think he'd be a fun friend to have) Of course, I'd love to date HIM, but I can't make him interested in me that way if he's not.....I thought I'd mention this because I really DON'T put all my hopes in one guy until I know him and I think we're both on the same page and he's doing the same...
There's the update all....thanks so much for all the opinions....(yup, even the negative one's) And thanks for the compliments. By the way, I don't think I'm beautiful. Attractive, yeah...but no more or less than lots of people out there.....I certainly don't think I'm up on a horse or snub people because I think they're not as attractive as me...
Hell, once I thought I was in love with an overweight guy who had a mole on his nose...He was really funny, just treated me like crap. But I did, in the beginning think I might've loved him (I was 23).
Peace out!
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 10:58:21 AM | Hmmmm..so he got back to you on the same day (18th) and suggested later in the week. Well..sounds OK to me.
The only things I find kinda weird... playing "pick up" jokes on women in a bar with his buddy...that seems a wee bit under the maturity level of someone who should be acting a little more their age? If you had sucked into it, wondering how much longer he would have played that card?
Other weird thing...Appears (I could be way off base here) you became " attached" to this guy in a short time. I mean it was a few hours of good fun and convo. That's all. The attention he gave you, and continued via phone/texts/a rose/kissing, etc. may have tripped up sensibilities.
I say take deep breaths and try not to think about him.
Don't worry about whether, or not, he'll call, wanna go out, see you again, is "a player", isn't one, ANY of it! If he REALLY liked you he will connect.. If it was "just in the moment "and then he "sobered up" the next day, so be it. Better early in the game.
I remember the days..clubbing days...meeting, dancing with, having a blast with, feeling "smitten" with some new guy. Then next day talking on the phone, and wondering "WTH was I thinking? And trying to squirm out of it...ever so gently.
And so...you never know. | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:01:05 AM |
, personally, don't have a problem with the Dr. story...why? Cause he didn't tell me, it was his friend...and he didn't once brag about it or even bring it up....I DID. I said "Oh, you're a doctor huh, well...I'm a nurse, isn't that funny"...when I questioned him on a couple things...(and he couldn't give me the answer....he didn't want to talk about it, that's what he said, He actually said "Let's talk about something else"...so I dropped it.
I sensed a definite reluctance for him to talk about it as the night progressed.
So why didn't he simply just say then that no, he wasn't a soctor and his friend was just goofing around? Pretty simple to do...rather than having a reluctance to talk about it.
also think that since no time was made for the 'date', that on one hand, it wasn't 'set in stone' and he might've thought Tuesday was the night....I'm not sure...all he said Sunday is he'd call me with directions around 2pm (which he did) And when he told me he was sick when he got up, maybe he thought I'd assume that a heavy Italian meal might not do well on his stomach. I don't know about anyone else, but I've had 24 hour bugs, called out of work, and later in the day felt better to go to the store, but not necessarily on a date. Running to the store and going on a dinner date, very different.
I'm not making excuses for him, BUT I think I shouldn't judge him to be a player or dishonest so quickly.
Doesn't matter that a time wasn't set up - the day was. And sure, people get sick, so why couldn't he just say he didn't feel good and could you both reschedule? I find that when people don't make definite plans, they generally never make them; or they end up cancelling a lot. No, don't judge him too quickly, but also don't make too many excuses for him. If he's interested he'll make definite plans to see you...without you having to call him. Simply take your time, keep your eye out for red flags and/or repeated strange behavior, and go from there. And if you two decide to make a date, set the time and place then, not do it in the next day or two...if he can't do that, then I'd wonder why not. No one is that busy that they can't make plans a few days in advance...or call to cancel if something comes up.
As far as negativity, I don't think people are being negative...you posted "A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!" and people are simply giving you their opinion based on what you've posted...you're the one that said it was a date that wasn't...kind of a negative in itself. But please keep us posted; it will be interesting to see how this turns out, based on the differing opinions on here...and hopefully it will be good for you, however it turns out. | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:07:01 AM |  OOPS...I see there was an update to the date.
Well..I still stand by my "regain your footing" and back down your emotions for this guy a little.
Still seems a little "iffy" for so much so soon..even tho it does happen sometimes.
We all want to feel our instincts for another is on target.
Just be cautious and prepared. Don't let the "smitten" part be the boss of you..hehheh.
Good luck!  | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:32:34 AM | Op, i sympathize with you for trying to be understanding and open-minded. these are good things to be. i try to be the same way. but (you knew there was going to be a 'but', right?  ) my sense of this, is that you are doing a lot of wishful thinking (understandably, i mean, you like the guy) around a situation in which in fact there are quite a few red flags.
i'm surprised, REALLY surprised, that in your OP you said you didn't see any red flags to speak of while in the same OP you told us that he and his friend have this game they play at bars where they tell women that they are doctors when they are no such thing? that wasn't a red flag the size of texas?  it surely would have been for me. it means that he and his friend pick up women, love em and leave em. if they planned to have any kind of future with these women -- even simply casual dating -- then they wouldn't be telling that big lie in order to get women interested. in fact they wouldn't be telling any lies. it is an obvious clue that it's just a pick up, nothing more.
did you consider the possibility that the reason he didn't stay at the diner had nothing to do with his friend's alcohol consumption but instead was because he didn't want to eat with you, he wanted to get you in bed? i think that seems kinda sorta well, obvious. and who knows what they did at that point -- they could have just gone to another bar and tried again to get laid, or perhaps what he said was true but i highly, highly doubt it. you said you guys had been making out etc and i think it seems clear that he had hoped this would progress to someone's bedroom.
golden rule: when something is too convenient to be true, it is often false.
think for a moment about the doctor lie, what does this mean?
--what this means is that he and his friend have a schtick that they put on at bars. since they have a schtick, this means they go to bars often and try to pick up girls, this means they lie to lots of women -- women who aren't nurses like you and so cannot quiz them the way you did. (i am certain they were devastated to learn that you are a nurse, i am also certain that that is why he "told you the truth right away" in the following phone call.) think about it, if he had not been forced to tell you the truth, do you think you would know, now, that he isn't a doctor?
--think about it, if he lied about what he does for a living, what else has he or will he lie about? to start with a lie? oh my, this is the worst possible place to begin.
--think about it, had he picked you up for the date, this would have given him an easy entre to trying to stay at your place. in fact, he might have all of a sudden gotten a tummy ache upon arrival and so, said, "let's stay here instead of going out..." etc. no wonder the date didn't happen after all...
--think about it, since you responded the way you did to the lie, that you agreed with him that it's ok to tell big lies "just for fun," since you were gullible enough to accept that as an appropriate rationale for such a lie, this also sets a precedent for the future: it tells him that you will accept his lying as long as later he fobs it off as 'all in fun,' it means he can lie to you and you will accept that and not get upset or accuse him of being a liar or a player.
so, it sets a very bad precedent for the future. if it were me, as soon as i'd have figured out that he wasn't a doctor -- way back, on the first night, while still at the bar, which you said you did figure out -- that woulda been it. i'd have stopped talking to him right then and moved on to the other guy who may not be as cute, who may actually BE an electrician, but who is honest and good and isn't trying to play me or any other woman.
there ARE nice guys in bars, but i think this guy is not one of them. use your head and don't lower yourself to thinking you have to accept a person of his caliber -- you deserve better, you deserve honesty, you deserve not to be used: find a guy you deserve.
i think you are a very nice person, and i am sure he DOES like you -- as much as he can like any woman (who isn't his wife) -- but i also do not feel that his intentions with you are the same as your intentions with him...
golden rule: when a guy lies to you, stop right there. 
better luck next time, OP! | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:34:14 AM | The probability of meeting a guy with integrity in a bar is not high. Throw in hooking up with a guy with a wingmate where both of them lie about the hookup guy's profession. Throw in necking with a guy who basically is a total stranger. Now the probability that this can turn into a successful relationship is now even lower.
I say if you find a guy while out in a bar and he interests you, resist the urge to have a necking session. Then both people, if they both were interested in more than a casual hookup, would see better where each person is coming from.
My guess is this particular guy has a slick approach when he goes out, especially with his buddy; he doesn't mention sex, he gets his woman sexed up so she's the one mentioning sex--he doesn't need to have the words come out of his mouth. Casual necking usually is enough for this to happen. OP, when your followup behavior didn't fit that particular scenario, he got confused, he wants to take a step back and have you come to him like he originally envisioned after the necking.
This isn't that strange, I see this happen all the time when I go out, watch the slicksters sweep the sweeties right off their feet. | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:37:55 AM | Thanks again all.
I'm beginning to think that (and thanks to all who have given their opinions)
that I suppose I'm in my own little world thinking this could have been a good thing for me. Wishful thinking I think they call it......
Well, I'm used to forgetting about 'someone'. So, considering it wasn't even a date, and only a 'meet' at a bar, where I got one night of fun out of it, I'm probably going to leave it at just that...(like cupid said)....
Since I'm a bit left brained, it looks like statistically, the majority of everyone on here sees red flags I overlooked. And I'm going to take that advice and move on. (Not that I have anywhere to move on to, other than the usual work, kids, house, etc...) but at least focus my thoughts and energy elsewhere.
Again, yeah, I was hopeful. Not overly invested. Not overly 'emotional' other than feeling confused and then disappointed. But, that's the name of the game, the nature of the beast when you date. I don't think if you allow yourself to feel anything that those two reactions can always be avoided. Although I may wear my heart on my sleeve, I do have an uncanny ability to forget someone very quickly. AND I refuse to be played. I may not spot it immediately, but (with a little help from my fellow POF'rs...) but I get it.
I'll update if there's any radical news....other than that...again...THANKS EVERYONE!!!!! | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 11:48:45 AM | I dunno; two words come to mind.
Obsessive and needy.
Three pages of agonizing over ONE date? Holy sheepshit batman, if I overanalyzed every missed phone call and set of plans that never came together, I'd be curled up in the fetal position somewhere sucking my thumb.
Man, if I ever get THAT obsessed over some guy I met at a bar and never even had a date with, someone please kill me.
I'm just saying.
Fry | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 2:09:01 PM | Fry, I'm not agnozing over one missed phone call, which actually wasn't missed, it was late. I wondered about a date, that didn't happen, and thought about getting some input about what could be the reason behind it...since there haven't been many times in my life where I had a date, and then it didn't happen. Maybe once before???
I'm definitely NOT obsessive and needy. If I was I would have a boyfriend already since I have had plenty of offers in the last few years. Obsessive? No, just replying to those who were kind enough to post. Over-analytical? Maybe? Being a critical care nurse leaves me with a tendency to be extremely analytical. Have to be, comes with the job....life can hang in the details.
Every time I go to a bar, I meet someone. (not that I go a whole lot, in fact haven't in the last 6 months or so) and it rarely fails, I always, always meet SOMEONE. I'll take a number before I give mine out, so I don't have to deal with unwanted calls from someone I might not want to see again. In fact, usually I take a guy's business card.
I met my ex-fiance' in a bar. Sure, you can say 'well, see...he's an EX'...but we were engaged, bought a house together and have a son. September will be 10 yrs I've known him. Call me what you want, but....on some level, I think he will always 'be THE ONE' for me...we just couldn't get along. We're still very close now. And while I am NOT in love with him anymore, I do love him, very much. Our reason for breaking up had nothing to do with why we broke up. That night, I went to the bar to go dancing with my girlfriend, and he went with 3 of his friends to hang out....we saw each other, 'clicked'..were attracted to each other and spent a total of five yrs together.
I wouldn't trade that experience, even if it ended, even if it began in a bar.......because the best thing that came from that experience IS MY 8 YEAR OLD SON.....
AND I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING~
Not every guy in a bar is looking to get laid. I don't care what anyone says on this site/thread...that is A FACT...I have brothers and I know way too many guys who just go to a bar to hang out....I don't think you can say "OH, well....'met in a bar'" and
dismiss a situation because of where you meet.
AND the reason there are 3 pages on this is BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE RESPONDED TO THE THREAD, THEREFOR INCREASING THE SPACE AND THUS, PAGES...I put in a few updates myself but not nearly enough to take up 3 pages, can't blame me for that..... | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 2:36:46 PM | If my two cents means anything.. for anybody to get back into the 'circuit' or dating thing is a major change.. sometimes things are flaky simply because people have to adjust and make plans and get used to routines and rotating work schedules.. single parents both generally have to work.. and for a new foreign routine and/or logistics to work out.. I can certainly understand why it'd be different or strange..
The point is, it doesn't always have to be a red flag.. not if you're responsible and the person is friend material.. give and take is a routine you get into with someone and you tend to get better at being more predictable about it..
To be honest, the way this whole thing played out seems pretty obvious.. certainly something I could relate to happening.. add that to a guy with a lot on the go, and sometimes the concentration goes right out the window.. especially when it's someone new..
Good luck to you guys.. hope your friendship works out the ways you want :) | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:55:15 PM | Wow so many people just opening fire on the guy with the full broadside. It's crazy how aggressive may of these posts are. Don't take this wrong but a lot of these posters sound jaded and bitter.
"run for the hills", "just forget him", "well you met in a bar", "he drinks too much", "men just want to get laid" ...
If you give up on something you felt promising every time you hit a bump in the road you would never get anything done.
Of course men want to get laid. Any man that tells you that's not at least part of the equation when he meets a woman is either lying or masking other issues. We're genetically wired to want to get laid it's normal. For the most part, women are the sexual gate keepers. This is normal adult interaction.
What's wrong with bars exactly? Many people go to bars to meet people of the other sex. It's social, it's neutral ground, it's a way to meet people you wouldn't bump into in your day to day life. I met my ex wife in a bar, we were married 10 years and are still great friends. Does no one "real", "normal" or "nice" ever go to a bar? To all the bar bashers responding I'm going to ask you if you've ever been to a bar? If you consider yourself "nice" then there's obviously a chance that some of the other people are nice.
She asked for opinions, be adults and give rational opinions don't let your emotions cloud your judgment and don't leap to unfounded conclusions. As for three pages of posts... didn't you add to that? lol this is a discussion forum, what were you expecting? Hard to have a discussion without some posts.
Step back take a deep breath and try to see the glass as half full, you'll live longer and be much happier.
OP - sounds like you're on the right track, be open minded and see how he progresses. The only issue I can see in any of this is that his friend called him a doctor. Pretty lame but he came clean, it's not like network engineer is a bad career. You might assume he felt busted in the doctor story but I think he came clean because he wanted to get on the right footing with you. He probably didn't feel comfortable admitting to the BS that first night when he was trying to get your number etc. Bad idea but not criminal. | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 4:32:38 PM |
Wow so many people just opening fire on the guy with the full broadside. It's crazy how aggressive may of these posts are. Don't take this wrong but a lot of these posters sound jaded and bitter.
"run for the hills", "just forget him", "well you met in a bar", "he drinks too much", "men just want to get laid" ...
If you give up on something you felt promising every time you hit a bump in the road you would never get anything done.
Perhaps I should have MORE tolerance for someone that I haven't even been out on a DATE with yet?!?!?!? I'll save the "work" part of the elationship for when there actually IS one!!!!
Naw...I'm BIG on communication, it's SO easy to have misunderstandings with people when you're not clear...
I'm also not saying that SHE is the best at communicating either....I myself would have asked him flat out what the "plan" was for the evening, rather than waiting for him to bring it up....
No jaded and bitter here my friend, just a differreing point of view and no NEED to get personal if we're trying to "keep emotion out of this", is there?
Have a great day, all! | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 6:43:18 PM |
No jaded and bitter here my friend, just a differreing point of view and no NEED to get personal if we're trying to "keep emotion out of this", is there?
I wasn't trying to attack you just pointing out that many of the posts were overly aggressive and unreasonably pessimistic. It's almost impossible to question these behaviors without someone taking offense that I'm attacking them. Jaded and bitter might have been over the top, but it wasn't directed at you specifically just the overall tenor of many of the replies. I didn't call you jaded and bitter I did point out your post as one of the many that was overly aggressive. I try to stick to challenging the behavior and not attacking the person, you sort of assumed it was you.
On the other hand you're advocating his dismissal why? You see red flags? Like? In my opinion all the posts that are for kicking him to the curb are acting on their own histories and convicting him without any basis in fact other than his friend lied. Beyond that initial bar bullS__ that he cleaned up in the first phone call there really hasn't been anything that's happened that's not easily explained by communication issues or bad timing. I'm not saying he's a star I'm saying be reasonable and give him a chance. | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 6:59:26 PM | I'm also not saying that SHE is the best at communicating either....I myself would have asked him flat out what the "plan" was for the evening, rather than waiting for him to bring it up....
Ok, Dee..I'll give you that. I definitely should've been more clear in my own communication...which leads me to......an UPDATE
He called me earlier today (just like he said he would, he's pretty consistent with calling when he says he will) and just for fun, I decided "Ok, I'll answer it" We chatted for a few and I said to him "So, you think we should get together?" and he replied "Yeah, is Thursday good for you?" and I told him it was. Thinking I wanted to 'clarify things ahead of time i.e. communicate better myself..I said "What time are you thinking?" And he asked me if 5:30 was good? I told him 6 would be better. He told me where it was, and said "How 'bout we do dinner and a movie too"? (he said there's a movie theater close by the restaurant) So, now the plans are 'solidified'.
I also really agree with funinthesun....I go to bars..I went out Friday night because I had a stressful week with my boys, was sick the week before with strep throat and I really needed a night out to relax. (going dancing didn't come up until we were out)..
So, I went to this bar/club. I didn't go to meet any guys, I went to unwind, listen to music and have some 'adult' time, away from my rambunctious boys....I had no intention of meeting any guy. Now, because I met someone, enjoyed his company a lot, and gave him my number, does that make me a 'bad' person?? Am I trash or a whore or whatever, simply because I went to a bar/club???? No, I'm a single mom that went out with a girlfriend one night. Actually, I'm a professional too. I'm not a liar and a cheat, manipulative or have major character flaws that I know of.....so therefore, there has to be other people who go to bars who are just like me....it's the LAW OF AVERAGES. Good people and bad people go to bars. Being in a bar doesn't equal BAD PERSON, so I'm not going to assume if I meet someone in a bar, that automatically, they're bad.
I know several people who met their spouses in bars who are still married.
And, incidentally, for those who think he only wanted a piece of ass....well....he had his friend with him and he drove so there was no coming back to my place that night and I drove with a friend too. ALSO, the other day, when he mentioned going out to dinner, we were talking about food, what we like, etc...and he said he eats healthy and cooks fresh foods for dinner alot, instead of going out to eat fast food....SO....I said "Oh, you can cook, that's cool....wanna make me dinner?" (jokingly, of course) AND his reply was not "Sure, let me cook you dinner at my place" (where he could easily set up a situation for bedding me down...but he said "I want to take you OUT to dinner, you know...like on a real date"...Therefore, I think if he really wanted to get laid, or that if that was his only interest, he would've ran with that. ADDITIONALLY, like another poster said....all men think about getting laid. I really believe that's how they're wired...it's how they approach it, what they are and aren't willing to do to get laid, and where on their priority list that desire is. I would feel kind of strange if I knew for sure, that he had NO INTEREST in being intimate with me AT ALL. Because then I would think that there is no mutual attraction, no spark, no butterflies, whatever you want to call it....then I'd think there was no potential to be anything but friends, and I am ready at this point, for more.
All this advice and opinions, I really do appreciate them. Even those I don't agree with..a different perspective is always good. Another thing. I really don't believe he's married. He also gave me his home number too. And calling me from his swimclub on Father's day...(his girls were with him, I heard them in the background then too) would be stupid. What, did he go out with only his two girls on Father's day, and have his wife stay at home? I've been there before...mother's tend to do things FOR the father's on Father's day, not stay home and make their honey's take them to the club himself so he can't relax for a minute, having to watch them in the pool.....No, I do have some spidey sense and I don't believe he's married. Now, does that mean he doesn't have a woman in his life??? No. That I don't know...only time will tell.
As far as the 'lie' about being a doctor. I don't like lying, of course, but do I think that is a huge red flag? No. I think he and his buddy go out to have fun...think it's funny to conjure up a story and maybe see how believing women are...or how they react to meeting 'A doctor'. Some women only want a man with a high status like that (I'm not one of them) maybe they do it to weed out the stupid or shallow women...who knows..I still really don't think he was being deceitful or 'trying to impress me'...as someone else said, there isn't anything wrong with being a network engineer. Call me gullible or naive...I'm taking a chance. When I met my ex husband, I had a huge red flag that I chose to believe him over and I got hurt big time. When I met my ex fiance' there were red flags I overlooked to...and we never made it to the alter....I don't regret either one because I have two precious children that came from 'something bad'...that had I not overlooked the flags, I wouldn't have in my life now.
Women do have intuition. And mine doesn't say he's lying to me. I have every intention of being cautiously optimistic...careful and taking it slow...but I'm not going to pass by a chance, even a small one, with so little to go on....I'm not going to be quick to judge. Sure there is a risk, but isn't there a risk every time we go out with someone new?
On the other hand you're advocating his dismissal why? You see red flags? Like? In my opinion all the posts that are for kicking him to the curb are acting on their own histories and convicting him without any basis in fact other than his friend lied. Beyond that initial bar bullS__ that he cleaned up in the first phone call there really hasn't been anything that's happened that's not easily explained by communication issues or bad timing. I'm not saying he's a star I'm saying be reasonable and give him a chance
funinthesun....I'd email you, but your preferences won't allow me to....I, again, agree with you...everyone is so eager to kick him to the curb and as you said, other than some communication and bad timing issues, (not entirely his fault, since I never got a time for the date)..AND I agree with your opinion, it's the 'initial bar BS' a lot of people get into (come on now, HOW many people are 100% themselves when going out to drink and dance???....We women get dressed up and put on makeup and THAT is not necessarily who we really are - I know myself, I don't do makeup everyday, or wear heels everyday either....I dressed the part. If he and I hit it off and something comes from all this, down the road he may see me with bed head, in sweats and without my legs shaved, right????.....)
I do believe people bring their opinions and advice to a question or situation, a forum based on THEIR experiences. Because I believe we are a sum of all our experiences...that's human nature...BUT I am a bit surprised everyone has pegged him in the worst light "liar, married, player, etc" without knowing all our conversations, etc..AND I will remind people....He HAS CALLED ME EVERYDAY NOT ONLY WHEN AS HE SAID HE WOULD , BUT ALSO WHEN HE SAYS HE HAS TO CALL ME BACK, HE DOES = THAT IS CONSISTENCY AND I THINK, INTEREST ON HIS PART.
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 7:16:00 PM |  Good Grief! No offense. But it was JUST an evening, maybe another one Thurs.
This has gone on waaaay too long.
The OP is smitten. No doubt.
She should cool it a bit.
And stop with the constant "excuses for him"..for one person she does not even know. I am always wary of someone who needs "excuses" for their actions.
I think this guy is lucky she is still in the pic.
I think she is waaaay too eager.
Oh well..JMOpinionated Opinion.
Hope it all works out and we all see the two of you on Testimonials | |
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| A strange situation..Can someone makes sense of this PLEASE? MY DATE FOR TONIGHT THAT ISN'T!
Posted: 6/19/2007 7:17:10 PM | Why get so invested in someone you just met? Personally I don't think bars are a great place to meet guys because alcohol always impairs judgment (on both sides). After one or both parties sober up and return to their lives, that special connection might seem not so real, or might take a back seat to daily life. In some cultures, people get to know each other for 6 months before even a first kiss. In our culture, everyone seems to want instant gratification--instant sex or instant relationships. I have said this on many forums: there is no substitute for time. What is all the obsessing about? You will live if this guy does not call you. If you like him so much, then call him!
And when trying to decipher a man's motives, I have been told by my guy friends to look at the actions and not the words. Seems to ring true. | |
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