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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 7/29/2007 9:54:20 AM | When someone betrays your trust in them, it's an automatic deal breaker or the end of the relationship.
Trust is built up over time. It isn't something that a person can verbally express. Instead it's demonstrated by his or her's actions towards their partner. As such, it can only be demonstrated over a period of time.
Imagine going to buy a car or any other purchase and the salesman says, "Well you can trust me to.....!" You can put anything you want in the ellipses. For sure, when somebody asks you to trust them in any capacity, you probably should head for the hills. A trustworthy person is someone with whom you'd place your trust in based upon your previous experiences with them.
I once had a friend who came to a very unfortunate end due to not trusting his close friends or family. Instead, he placed his trust in a complete stranger who later did him in. This stranger realized my friend was gullible and took advantage of him which leads us to another observation. You have to be aware that there are people who will lie to you and take advantage of you. I'm not saying you have to become cynical or suspicious of other's motives, but you do have to be aware and use some common sense and exercise good judgement.
Finally, we have all been taken advantage of at some point in our life. Rather than becoming bitter, hardened, or jaded, we should just except it as a learning experience.
The Eagle | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 7/29/2007 10:10:15 AM | You have to realize no one can be totally trusted, only in degrees and for certain things.Everyone has an agenda or something they want.
It's best to put your trust in yourself and no one else. You know you are the one person who can be trusted to watch out for you. Oh yea and if their mouth is moving it's a good chance some part of what they are saying is a lie. If you stick with that you'll be ok. And you might even learn to see through the facade people put up. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 7/29/2007 10:19:39 AM | "Trust in God, but tie your Camel to a tree"
There are two kinds of trust: Rational trust. That which has been demonstrated through experience to be actual. And, what I call... Foolish Trust. That which is still believed in, in spite of plenty of demonstrated evidence to the contrary.
I am sure That the trust which was so blatently violated, over and over, in the original story (if we were privilaged to all the 'facts') would fall into the latter catagory. We can all be fooled Once.... but only the fools continue to be fooled, over and over. Get smart. Relationship skills, contrarty to popular mythology, do not fall out of the sky. they must be studied and learned..just like any other skill. Take some time off (a lot of time) from the pursuit of that trustworthy guy and put all that effort into yourself. If you are one of (us) pathological co-dependents.... get into your nearest recovery group. In my opinion, that is the best 'cure' for perpetual 'foolishness'.
Consider this: Loud whining , blaming and complaining about how 'they done me wrong'....etc. is one of the biggest RED flags for the determination of who is a 'healthy' prospect out there. Something to think about? | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 7/29/2007 10:21:48 AM | The biggest rule is know yourself and trust yourself. It makes trusting others a lot easier without being a pushover.
When I am first getting to know somebody, I gave trust in small doses, then build on it as I get to know the person better.
If the trust is broken, it takes me a very long time with a lot of treading lightly and hard work to gain that trust back, but it can be done....if I think the person is still worth the effort! | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 7/29/2007 11:34:37 AM | | hi oh yes ive been there i think it will take alot for me to trust some one again been hurt one to many times so who do u trust ? | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:16:58 PM | Looks like the consensus among people here is,that length of time and trustworthiness, somehow moves on a linear scale, when it comes to trust.
By this definition the longer you know somebody the more you can trust them.RIGHT? REALLY? Let’s see how is that works in the REAL world.
1, Conmen/women sticks around as long as they have to, even marry their victims.
2, Long term model employee got cought, embezzling funds.
3,Longterm spouse discovers that his/her “better” half, is a criminal, sexoffender, prostitute, etc.
4, You shocked to discover, that a family member, long time neighbor, long time collage done something really bad.
As you can see length of time has very little to do with anything. How long it would take YOU to trust a perfect stranger? I say a few minutes, and he wouldn’t even have to say a word. NO WAY? REALLY? Here is the scenario,
You got stuck in a burning car, and a PERFECT STRANGER pulls you out.
You will trust him, because he risked his own life to save yours. It is a way more serious proof, then just knowing somebody for a long period of time.
Absolute trust, the real world is full of them. Special forces, there is no maybe,or doubt if there is, the consequences are fatal. Do you think a brain surgeon gets months or years to trust the new staff. Most people trust their doctor blindly.I never said they should.They make mistakes too. The bottom line is, most of us have the capacity to trust in a speedy manner, if we have too. Most people are afraid to lose something If they get betrayed. For men it is mainly a financial loss, for women it is an emotional betrayal, (not sex) as many seem to think.
What criteria people use, to give trust has a lot to do with how well it may work out. People are very different as far as their ability to sense that there is something is wrong. Even if there is no obvious sign or red flag.
I suggest you to take the personality test here on POF. It will tell you if you are intuitive or not. What way are you relating to other people, on the subconscious level and pay more attention to it. Truth to be told when people are in an emotional state, logic and reasoning takes the back seat. WE all know what is that mean.
Finally, a little mind bender, to my fellow posters.I want to hear, one word which would assure you, of a person trustworthiness. That word contains the reason why is it so. To help out here is a scenario.
Large international airport, I collect a 100 passports and ID cards.Pretty well all professions, vocations included. You have to trust, your life to one.
Which one, and most importantly why? I believe there is only one correct answer,but I could be wrong. It is important, to get this right, as a reference.
GOOD LUCK | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:32:09 PM | It all depends on the person you are. Alot of people in this day and age cant really truly trust people. Me, ive been told im far too trusting of people and that i always see the good and not the bad which is a downer since i dont get the full picture.
Now looking at my profile you would think im just out for sex and cant be trusted. Well thats not true, while yes sex is basically the thing im looking for right now, i still regard it simply as a bonus to a good relationship. And hey a little fooling around never hurted anyone (much)
How do you learn to trust someone, like braindrain22 says, dont trust people on face value. You find people very rarely show their true sides to people they dont trust themselves. Human beings are complex creatures and believing a situation to be simple in this regards is foolhardy.
Normally you can get a good vibe from people on what they are like, if you go out with them when their friends are present. I find people tend to act more like themselves when the people they trust are around even if your with someone that you might not trust. | |
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Beryeh
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Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 59 | |
| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:50:12 PM | One hundred people you say, all sorts of ID and Passports etc. and I have to trust "MY LIFE" to one person. That's a toughie.
I thought, "to thine own self be true". So I would have only trusted myself and my intuition only. It was a mind bender.
I have learned over the last few years that you must learn to listen to your inner voice. ( ie. if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, smells like a duck, it MUST be a duck.) Bottom line, you can be as honest as the day is long, and you will still find yourself with someone who is not totally trustworthy. In that sense, I was a "naive" when it came to experiences with men. I am one of those people who used to take things at face value. I treat people the way I would like to be treated and it backfired on me big time. I learned that I have to listen for and watch for those telltale red flags and listen to that little voice inside me. I've only been alone for 3 years now and it has been a tough row to hoe, however, that is my answer. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:55:03 PM | fall off your horse they say get back on again ,, the same with a bike..... gather up the wisdom you have learned from these hurtful situations and learn from it....take back your power and value yourself, do things for , you,and dont shoot all guys out there.. its a big melting pot and some nuggets out there.. maybe if you stop looking and enjoy your life the right person will come along..bitterness cankers the soul.. why let others have that affect on you?trust yorself more and you will get those feelings when to act or just cut loose..i wish you luck and most of all inner peace and happiness...it doesnt take another person for you to obtain that.  | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/5/2007 7:14:34 AM | | I've got the same problem! I really hate it that I can't trust a single guy out there..... it seems like the older they get the better liars they become. They will also tell you whatever you want to hear. I figure they're all out for themselves!!! I too tried to trust the last one, but he to was such a great liar..... and a good one at it!!! | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/5/2007 7:31:59 AM | I trust each person as an individual until proven wrong. I try not to generalize and lump every one male or female, in the same pot.
Sure, I have been proven wrong many times, but if I allow the bad to change my trusting heart and spirit, then they have won, and I am just too blasted stubborn to allow that to happen.
Nothing great is ever achieved without taking chances, be it in relationships, your job or your attitude about life.
Deborah/Pix | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/5/2007 6:18:04 PM | | I am having a hard time trusting men anymore. I met a guy on here we talked everyday on the phone and everynight he would call me. We went away for the weekend to his home town. I met his family and we had a great time. Now here is the kicker his soon to be ex wife calls and he lies to her about being with someone??? Ok I can handle that lets not make her mad...kids are involved. We talk everyday and make plans for him to come to my house...I take off work half a day and he keeps coming up with excuses why he hasn't made it yet...so it kinda made me mad. I ask if he was really coming and had any intention of showing up or was he just using me.. He got pissed and said he didn't need this. The night before he wanted to be a family and I deleted my profile off here for him..then he acts like that.... We don't talk now so go figure. I really liked him alot and still have feelings for him. What can I do different.... | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/5/2007 6:48:42 PM | ~OP~ I share your problem. It seems very deep within me on some strange level. Oddly, I don't have trust issues when in a relationship ~ but I sure have them prior to getting to that stage. I've ruined two very wonderful opportunities for relationships with great guys before they even had the chance to screw up. I know it's a problem and the only real advice I can give: you know it's a problem for you ~ only you can fix it. I'm in the same spot. I either have to remove these walls or plan my entire life all alone. I've made some leaps in the past couple of months ~ trusting first rather than the whole "earning trust" theory. It does seem to work better. No one should need to earn my trust ~ I am now offering it in the beginning. It has made a difference, but there are still days when I do a LOT of pushing away. Must fix that ~ we only get so many wonderful guys popping into our lives...wouldn't it be a shame to know that we drove them away for no good reason? Good luck, I do hope you get a handle on it, it's not worth the price of permanent alone-ness.  | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/5/2007 6:53:35 PM | | I have been used, abused, disappointed and lied to so many times that I proceed with much more caution now. I want to trust but it doesn't come as quickly as it used to. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/6/2007 5:10:38 PM | About my previous post, the question is who would you pick, other then yourself.AND why? I never ask easy questions on the forums. The thread is about trusting other people.
[*]One hundred people you say, all sorts of ID and Passports etc. and I have to trust "MY LIFE" to one person. That's a toughie.
I thought, "to thine own self be true". So I would have only trusted myself and my intuition only. It was a mind bender[*]
Wrong answer. Sometimes you must trust other people, what is your criteria, that they have to meet. I am still waiting for somebody answer my original question.
[*]I've ruined two very wonderful opportunities for relationships with great guys before they even had the chance to screw up.[*]
The good news is that you actually realised,the problem lies within. It is a good start. Lack of trust, many times has to do with fear.Ask yourself can I handle it? What is the worst thing that could happen? Realistically. Take precautions if it gives you a piece of mind. Lack of confidence, low self-esteem also can be responsible for pushing people away.
[*]Must fix that ~ we only get so many wonderful guys popping into our lives...wouldn't it be a shame to know that we drove them away for no good reason?[*]
You have no idea how right about this part. I do know the odds, but that is an other thread. Besides that, people like to find things out for them selfs. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/6/2007 7:53:03 PM | quote: alfy82 / "Here's a quote from Scarface (1983), one of my favourite films:
"Who put this thing together? Me, that's who! Who do I trust? Me!" - Tony Montana"
Another quote:
Mulder of the X-Files: "Trust no one."  | |
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Beryeh
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Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 68 | |
| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/11/2007 9:47:10 PM | Dear Euromaverick,
You might be right, who knows. I just know that I have learned to trust myself more than I used to. Leaving a marriage of 24 years that I tried to salvage was a difficult choice but I had to do it. Trust was broken by him so many times that I couldn't live with the aftermath. By aftermath I mean, phone calls from other drunks and other women, and physical evidence brought home. So, trust is hard for me now. For now, my answer is still the same even if you think it is the wrong one. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/11/2007 10:05:23 PM | It is wise not to trust everybody....especially that you meet over the internet. Men usually will pretend to be your best friend, until they achieve what they set out to. That is if that was what they wanted all along. I think we all know that. The thing is ....trust must be earned. The only way you earn trust is over time. Don't ever rush into anything.
I have seen time and time again, where in the beginning men will e-mail and call serveral times a day or at least once everyday until they get sex...not always...but, a lot of the time. They will act as if they are your best friend. I think it is a given and you have to expect. Just do what feels right for you and protect yourself from getting hurt. I think the best way to do that is to take your time before becoming physically involved. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/12/2007 8:49:40 PM | I wonder, some people seem too have, a problem with reading or comprehension.This particular forum Is Called " HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???."NOT how NOT to. Please do the whining, at a forum where they ask for it.
Trust or lack of it, is a major issue for many people. What will it mean, for the ones , who can't or won't deal with it? Let me see, people give a certain amount of latitude, but that only goes so far. After that, they are gone. It means the right people, in whatever capacity. Regardless of how smart, nice etc, you are. The bigger problem, of course is the undesireables, pick up on the insecurities, brought on by lack of trust, negative experiences, hopelessness,etc. That is why, conmen are so successful,operating in a particular segment, of the female population. Socially isolated people are easy prey.That is what, lack of trust brings, ISOLATION.
Everybody had negative experiences in their life. The difference is how, those experiences evaluated. Some people correctly deal with it ,and learn from it, while others, make it into a blame game, generalizing. That mindset will keep the right people away. So, we all have to ask our self, is our thinking reflect reality? Or we already made up our minds, based on personal experiences. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/12/2007 10:48:00 PM | | ^^^ Yea...maybe some people do have problems with comprehension...like you. I know I addressed the question. Again, as I said above...trust must be earned. Trust is not something to be learned. Taking your time and paying attention to actions. Time really will tell all. Trust is not something you just automatically give. It is something that is built and again takes time. | |
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| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/12/2007 11:07:18 PM | | I understand the feeling of thinking that you'll never trust anyone again because i'm in this same boat. I do honestly feel though that with time I'll be able to trust again. I think it takes baby steps and taking a real long look at your own life. I've been single for 2 years now and this is the first time in my life that i haven't been with anyone.. at all.... I have faith though that when i'm ready it'll happen. I have though found finding trust can be found in many ways for instance with friends. Ive had allot of friends in my life who have let me down. One even stole my husband so even making friends was really hard for me. I found though that i've met quite a few new friends and trusting even them was very hard at first but I've found and let people into my life that have become true friends ones in which i've never had before. I think trusting first starts from within you. Take your time once you learn to love yourself and trust your own instincts you'll be allot happier in the end. | |
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LJ45
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Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 74 | |
| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/13/2007 11:23:58 PM | | If you have faith in yourself and your abilities to deal with whatever comes your way you don't need to fear what others may do. Selfish people are that way no matter who they are with and you shouldn't take their choices personally. They would have done whatever it was to anyone. Trust yourself, and enjoy the company of good people. If one of the others wanders in to your life have faith you will be able to recognise them for what they are and leave them behind. | |
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smuroF
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Joined: 12/21/2005
Msg: 75 | |
| HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST ANYONE???.
Posted: 8/14/2007 1:51:25 AM |
Finally, a little mind bender, to my fellow posters.I want to hear, one word which would assure you, of a person trustworthiness. That word contains the reason why is it so. To help out here is a scenario.
Large international airport, I collect a 100 passports and ID cards.Pretty well all professions, vocations included. You have to trust, your life to one .
I wouldn't trust any of them."Trust" in this scenario is not an option. Maybe "Hope" but not "Trust".
In general human trust? Unless my "intuitive deffense mechanisms" kick in, or if (obviously) I knew something about them that doesn't sit right with me, I'd give him enough rope.... and if he hangs himself, well I judged wrong.. In Otherwords, Im not going to foolishly allow myself to be hurt. Trusting someone isn't a given anymore. The world is longer a place to 'trust' because of good deeds, religion,yada yada,let alone trying to judge profiles here on POF. Yes,living in a bubble does breed lonliness and isolation. So if your here, and willing to "put your heart on the line" then you have to deal with 'Sticks and Stones' and hopefully not 'broken Bones'. That's what counts for me.
I may have my "pity Party" for a little while, but when I decide to get up and be willing to "try again" is up to me. No one should have to tell me. | |
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