| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 11:11:37 AM | Thank you to everyone for your help...even the ones who play devils advocate...it's really helpful. He did text me while I was out to lunch to see if I still wanted him to come over tonight and I told him that after last night, I don't think it's a great idea. So that's that...Again- thanks for the advice and if I can ever help any of you please let me know...
Now on to do my financial aid for school :) | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 12:19:42 PM | RIGHT it wasnt just you .. it happened to me too.. one month before i broke up with my ex-boyfriend . one of the reason was like that ..
we met each other almost once a day .. but we talked on phone every night for two hours ....... remember that sometimes i didnt hear the phone calling right away and did not answer .. when i woke up or just finished shower i came out and i saw the missed call from him .. i tried to call him back .. he never pick up the phone ...until the next day afternoon he called me back then we kept going on ..lol
but this kinda thing happened again and again ..i felt sick of it .. coz sometimes it happeend to him didnt hear the phone .. he called me back i always answered his call .
i am already sick of it . i left him .. thanks god our relationship was not deep at all .. i dont feel pain at all .. hehehe . but feeling i was stupid coz let this kinda thing happened to me .. ..
good luck lady | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 12:28:53 PM | I think he was just mad that you didn't pick up his phone call at 11pm. I think it's ridiculous for any man to think you should revolve your life around the phone. People make phone calls. Sometimes you are able to reach your contacts. Sometimes you can't reach your contacts. That's Life! Hopefully your phone has voice mail for contacts to leave messages. I can't believe you worked very hard to clean the house and prepare a good meal just to be told that your effort wasn't well appreciated. I think if you had man that wanted to get to know you well he would have forgiven you for the mishap and setup another date.
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 12:35:13 PM | This young man sounds a bit sensitive to me...
My question to you, did you give any signals that you would be a secretary to your phone ?
Furthermore, if his expectations of your availabilty is 100% at all times, think of other situations that may get a negative reception from him, and whether your tolerance level will be receptive.....
Might be a good time to compromise, or MOVE ON.... | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 12:36:57 PM |
Should I make every effort to answer his calls and then call him RIGHT back once I see I've missed it or is it okay to live my own life too?
there are red flags, yellow flags, penalty flags...EVERY kind of flag, sign, smoke signal that you can imagine!!!
you cant REALLY be asking if its OKAY to live your own life too?
It is not only unreasonable for him to expect you to jump and answer his calls, it is insane.
yah know, maybe he hasnt heard..but sometimes us wimins go in vacation, talk to friends and everything?
i dont know why this guy tickles my funny bone...
to be serious though...It is just good manners to return calls, emails, messages in a respectful manner. You are doing that. he is disrespecting you with his demands, and guilt tripping. | |
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Nen
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Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 32 | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 4:03:51 PM | OP Say: "Well, last night I spend hours upon hours cooking and cleaning around the house because he's allergic to cats and I have three. "
Confuscious Say: Man allergic to cats no really like Puss-y!!! | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 4:33:46 PM | OK, my advice to you is...tell him to hit the road...he's not worth it!
I can't tell you how many similar situations I have been in, the guy needs a self-esteem check!
99.9% of people have answering machines, he could have left a message, or thought to himself"maybe she's sleeping".
You have had your own life until you started talking for the last couple weeks, he can't expect you to sit around and wait by the phone, if he wants someone like that,maybe he should move back in with his mommy!
Ask yourself this...if the last couple weeks of communication between the 2 of you have been as wonderful to HIM,as it has been for YOU,then why is it so easy for him to dismiss you after missing 1 phone call?
Don't beat yourself up over it girl, maybe he has been cheated on,and/or has such a low self esteem that he thinks at any moment you might go find someone who is "better" than him, find someone who will accept you for who you are, everyone makes mistakes in life, but falling asleep after a hard day of preparing for HIM, was purely an accident, he shouldn't be mad and so willing to walk away, he should be flattered,and maybe a little upset because he may have been looking forward to talking to you, but that's it! Like I said, this is only my advice,
I hope you find someone who can make you happy,and accept you for who you are!
Take Care | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 4:40:05 PM | I'm going to make myself really unpopular right now.
Okay, so it's all over and the Original Poster saved herself from a lifetime of beatings, broken limbs, jealous rages, and infidelity. Thank God for that; she really dodged a bullet.
I'm curious, however. After he contacted her and asked whether the date was still on for this evening and she told him no, did he fly into a jealous rage?
Did he threaten to break her bones?
Did he call repeatedly begging for a second chance?
If he did, then that's a confirmation: he was a wacko. If he didn't... maybe he wasn't such a bad guy. If he simply accepted her ending of the relationship, that sounds pretty healthy to me. Doesn't sound scary.
So many of the other posters who chimed in on this thread seemed to see doom and horror in this man's behavior that I really didn't see. Maybe that makes me a scary person, but I've never hit, threatened, unfairly manipulated, or otherwise made life unpleasant for a woman in my entire life, so I really don't think I'm manifesting signs of latent hatred of females here.
I'm wondering whether the OP and her friend's argument consisted of an hour's worth of misinterpretations and misunderstandings rather than the threats and rantings of an evil controlling potential wife-beater. Here is her description of this awful, scary conversation:
He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't know what to think about me anymore and that if I don't answer the phone every time he calls, then he's going to back off of starting anything with me. I told him to do what is best for him and he took that to mean I don't care. After explaining to him that I can't possibly answer the phone each time he calls and it doesn't mean I don't care...he said that he needs to be shown the caring. This went on for about an hour until he finally just said "sorry" and I haven't heard from him since.
First of all, did he actually say "If you don't answer the phone every time I call then I don't want to start anything with you"? Or did he say something more along the lines of, "If you only answer the phone once in a while when you feel like it then maybe we aren't compatible because I take communication more seriously than that"?
If I mentioned to someone that I wasn't sure how compatible we were and her response was "Do what is best for yourself" I, too, would probably take that to mean she didn't care much whether we had a relationship. I wouldn't get angry or anything, but I would interpret that to mean she didn't care much whether our relationship went anywhere or not.
Finally... he said "Sorry." Doesn't that mean anything to anyone? That sounds to me like an apology, not "Okay, we're not going to see each other anymore."
I don't know, folks. I just don't count myself among the patters-of-their-own-backs who think the OP just saved herself a lot of grief here. It sounds to me like she was the one who might have overreacted -- particularly if her friend accepted her rejection of him gracefully.
Maybe he's the one who feels like he dodged a bullet in this case. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 4:45:30 PM | | gamble: The real bummer is that this phone issue that he has, if you continue with him, will grow into other areas too and pretty soon he will control all of your waking hours. This is probably a symptom of a deeper problem in his self-security, self-respect, esteem, etc..... to the point that it even grows into a basic disrespect of others (ie: not allowing you your world to be yours either). Back away from this one and know there are Plenty of other fish around........ | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 4:58:59 PM | | Girl, cut your losses and move on. He sound like a loser. It is ridiculous for anyone to expect someone else to be at their beck and call. Souns like he was looking for an excuse and instead of standing up like a man and saying he wasnt interested in anything more than chatting he tries to turn the tables and make it seem like you are the problem. Forget about him. There are plenty of men who dont play those childish games!! There are plenty of fish in the sea, throw that guppie back. Good luck to ya. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 5:28:40 PM | I just have to add one thing...
I did occasionally make life unpleasant for my mom. On purpose. 
But I told her I was sorry. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 5:30:54 PM | He sounds like his hopes/fears have made him brittle. Time to back off and dial it down from the daily calling thing.... and see if things even out. If they don't, I'd say he's wound way too tight ! | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 5:59:34 PM | | He sounds extremely insecure and broken........has he been jaded before, because he sounds as if he has big time trust issues......they are so consuming that he will even risk losing you. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/22/2007 6:45:12 PM | | Here's my advice...Sounds like a guy with ADD but I don't know that because I don't know the guy. When he calls back (and he will call back) tell him he has to let you have your own space. If he starts to argue again tell him this...later on tonight when the phone doesn't ring...that'll be me! Then hang up. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/23/2007 12:56:43 AM | Well I'm usually on the side of moderation in these kinds of posts. I almost never jump to conclusions and think "red flag" or anything along those lines but this is a form of manipulation designed to control you. It usually manifests itself in outrageous ways designed to coerce certain behaviors. "if you break up with me I'll kill myself" kind of BS.
This is needy, clingy, controlling and manipulative and nearly every poster on here thinks you should end it. With good reason. This is surely the warning signs of something that might get much much worse.
So many of the other posters who chimed in on this thread seemed to see doom and horror in this man's behavior that I really didn't see. Maybe that makes me a scary person, but I've never hit, threatened, unfairly manipulated, or otherwise made life unpleasant for a woman in my entire life, so I really don't think I'm manifesting signs of latent hatred of females here. you're partly blinded by the fact that you see some past behaviors of your own in this guy and who wants to think of themselves in the terms people are expressing towards him. No reasonable, sane, intelligent person expects someone to always answer the phone when they call. That's really abnormal behavior and indicative of larger problems to come. Potentially huge problems. No matter what reasoning you apply to this situation the potential downside is way too large. OP's emotional investment is low and the risk is high, investing more time on this relationship is not a good plan from any angle. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/23/2007 6:30:57 AM | you're partly blinded by the fact that you see some past behaviors of your own in this guy and who wants to think of themselves in the terms people are expressing towards him. No reasonable, sane, intelligent person expects someone to always answer the phone when they call. That's really abnormal behavior and indicative of larger problems to come. Potentially huge problems. No matter what reasoning you apply to this situation the potential downside is way too large. OP's emotional investment is low and the risk is high, investing more time on this relationship is not a good plan from any angle.
I disagree. The conversation that the OP described with her male friend was not in my opinion alarming. You claim I extrapolated things about his personality from his behavior yet you are doing the same thing. You see abnormal behavior and I see hurt feelings and misunderstanding on both sides -- the guy and the OP.
She described him as expecting her to always answer the phone when she calls -- but did he actually say that? In my earlier post I speculated on what he might have actually said, which in my opinion was perfectly reasonable. She never told us exactly what he said. She only told us how she interpreted what he said. He may have meant something other than what she thought he meant.
My point is that we simply do not know enough about this situation to truly understand the OP or her male friend. He may be crazy/dangerous/etc. or not -- but we don't have enough evidence according to what the OP shared about him in this thread to know what he is. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/23/2007 7:20:53 AM |
but we don't have enough evidence according to what the OP shared about him in this thread to know what he is. Not true. I know he's a needy-butt.
Now, it's true that I cannot extrapolate from one posting whether this guy has already mapped out a graduated schedule of manipulation, leading to abuse - - or that he's already started constrution on a crate to keep the OP "safe" when he's away . . . but, anyway you slice it, here's what else is true:
1) He had been talking to the OP for a WHOLE two weeks.
2) They had not even met in person.
3) He got upset enough that she didn't answer the phone when he called at 11:00 p.m. that he managed to have an hour-long "discussion" about it - - and OP wasn't jiving with the content of that "discussion."
And, although I was not on the telephone and didn't hear the tone of the hour-long conversation or that of his "apology." But I can just hear it now . . . I hear a "sorry" that was in a defeated, pathetic voice . . . intended to make a person feel guilty. I'd be willing to bet that if the OP continued talking to him, something like that would happen again. Apologies don't just erase behavior. What's more is that I don't consider an apology valid and genuine until enough time has passed and I see that they have not repeated the very behavior they apologized about. But, that's just me. I seldom apologize myself - because, it's a rare ocassion when I truly do something regretful that is outside of my character - and that causes grief to another person. And sometimes, I might even cause grief to another person and still not apologize, because I'm pretty sure I could do it again. Basically, I don't apologize for being myself. And, neither should other people.
If the guy just spent an hour talking about how much he needs her to answer the phone when he calls, and how these things are among the many things he needs from a woman so he knows she cares, and then he ends the whole conversation with a "sorry" . . . what the hell is that supposed to mean?? Does that mean his whole stance just changed? Now he DOESN'T need her to answer the phone when he calls and now he DOESN'T need her to consistently show that she cares?? So, he either just sold himself down the river, or he gave her an empty apology. Empty apologies are just as bad as empty threats. And, as George Constanza would say . . . I say, "stuff your sorries in a sack." | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/23/2007 7:30:23 AM | I didn't read every response, however...
The sacrifice of trying to have the appearance of "no cats" when you have 3: You shouldn't have to do that. Also for you and for every single female out there regardless of age. Do not (YES: DO NOT) invite a first date to your home EVER! (NO WIRE HANGERS EITHER!!!). Don't give your home address; Always meet in a PUBLIC place!!! (No, am NOT old enough to be your mother)
The crazy power and control game that this individual who hasn't even seen you yet is trying to play. My Lord, I have read bizarre but this one takes the cake.
Please don't communicate with that NUT again!!! | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/23/2007 7:59:22 AM | K-lo, you said:
They had not even met in person.
But the Original Poster said, above:
Oh and for those who thought this was my first meeting- it's not. I met him once before and he was fine.
I take issue with you in a couple of other places as well, because you do quite a bit of assuming and extrapolating yourself.
He got upset enough that she didn't answer the phone when he called at 11:00 p.m. that he managed to have an hour-long "discussion" about it - - and OP wasn't jiving with the content of that "discussion."
If the OP didn't want to talk for an hour she could have ended the conversation or changed the topic. She chose to partipate. She is as much to blame for the length and the topic of the conversation as he is.
Also... was it an hour of him attacking her or two minutes of him expressing his feelings and 58 minutes of her responding? I don't know... I wasn't there. Right now all I have to go on is her side of the story, not his.
And, although I was not on the telephone and didn't hear the tone of the hour-long conversation or that of his "apology." But I can just hear it now . . . I hear a "sorry" that was in a defeated, pathetic voice . . . intended to make a person feel guilty.
You said so yourself: you weren't there and you did not hear what he said or how he said it. You have no proof whatsoever of what his intentions were. His "sorry" may just as easily have been quick and nonchalant, like a verbal shrug of the shoulders, "No big deal." Or it could have been a simple, sincere apology. Not everyone is as ridiculously verbose as I am.
The fact that he called the next day to ask whether he and the OP were still on for the evening told me two things: He was aware that the discussion the night before might have gotten a little intense and he respected the OP's boundaries enough to make sure he was still welcome in her home.
If the guy just spent an hour talking about how much he needs her to answer the phone when he calls, and how these things are among the many things he needs from a woman so he knows she cares, and then he ends the whole conversation with a "sorry" . . . what the hell is that supposed to mean??
I don't know what that is supposed to mean. I also don't know that that is what happened. You are rewording the OP's quick description of the conversation. You have no basis for doing that. You weren't there and you don't know what was said or what he did. For example, she never said that he said anything about "many things he needs from a woman." Where did you get that?
I'm going to let this topic go now because the OP has already ended her relationship with this guy so it's all over. I've only participated as long as I have because I've grown weary of one person writing a few sentences in a forum post about something that happened with someone in their life and then dozens of other people instantly making unfounded assumptions and jumping to unsupportable conclusions. It's as though people fill in missing information with whatever happened in their own lives and then other people come along and read the initial post and the subsequent supporting posts and assume they know far more than has actually been revealed. I think it's a new electronic form of the classic mob mentality.
If I check into this thread a few days from now and read that the OP's male suitor has been bugging her and threatening her or been behaving in an ugly fashion, I will be more than happy to agree that she did the right thing by ending things with him.
But if I find out that he accepted her rejection of him (and that's what it was: rejection) gracefully and like a gentleman and that she has not heard from him since, then I am going to consider -- not assume -- that maybe he wasn't such a bad guy and that she was the one who overreacted.
I encourage others to look at this situation -- and others like it, of course -- in a different light. | |
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| Advice needed from girls and guys...
Posted: 6/23/2007 8:07:51 AM | You invited him to your HOUSE after only talking on the phone????
you better be careful doing that....
ETA...oh you met him ONCE before and he was fine. Ted Bundy was fine too! Lawdy :laughing: | |
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