| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/25/2007 10:04:31 PM | | Everyone, lets turn this around a little. If a woman has had a mastectomy, when should she tell? First date, second date or wait until they are ready to become intimate. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/25/2007 10:12:56 PM | First of all, thanks for "turning it around" retired. I think if I had had a mastectomy I would tell the guy upfront about it because that's something that you shouldn't just let someone find out when he undresses you. It would be unfair to him to keep that a secret.
Blue | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/25/2007 10:35:32 PM | | I was with someone for years with this problem. He went without telling me for about 4 years, despite the fact that I started feeling so guilty and unwanted I would cry myself to sleep on the nights it would happen (it was not ALL the time, mostly just when he was stresed or tired which was pretty often). Finally he admitted this had been a problem since he was in his late teens........OMG! Feel lucky he told you so early on!!! | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/25/2007 11:16:59 PM |
You might try getting intimate before you get physical .....Good tip for the over 45 year old men
I swear that when men reach the age of 45, they forget what foreplay is, and to be honest I don't think they even care. It takes two people to arouse each other before the magic moment, but if this isn't accomplished then how can it possibly have a happy satisfying ending?
Ok Ok..... NOT ALL 45 year old men.....Just most. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:24:24 AM | blueyebabe
Leaving you hanging was wrong on his part,making assumption he still had a tongue and fingers. Diabetic and health issues, guess he was silent about that till afterwards also. That can limit little richard growing.
Wasnt personally critisizing about smoking, as I am a heavy smoker. Look for other smokers as non smokers want to force us to stop. Say screw that.lol | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 7:54:33 AM | young men my age have had this problem. saying that they're too nervous... or they jacked off already that day. plenty of excuses... he was wrong for trying to get some then, making you feel confused.... he should really be honest and
vhdc having a bad attitude is just as lethal as smoking. you don't have the right to judge her... and she didn't ask that... why can't you just not type anything at all instead of being judgemental... | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 11:27:30 AM | FIDDLEFARTFACE..oops sorry should of used spell check!
Its called slang gurl...and I use it quite a bit on here..but thanks for the insight on my spelling, gee you must be a lot of fun to wake up with..
now about the erections..can you even get a guy up?
I did spell that right just for you , simply because its imp you get my drift grandma! | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 11:35:53 AM | ah, i just read more of the postings and see he has diabetes and other medical issues...so i've let what i've said below to remain for others in similar situations, but for you OP, this boils down to whether you might love this guy and understand this is way more than a sexual issue, it's a disability issue and one which may not have the "pluses" that you would require. for others, it may not matter. i say this as, myself, a "disabled" person, but i am grateful that my manfriend and i have that very special chemistry that had help us "overcome" (pun intended). it is very difficult/frustrating for someone who may have sexual desire and not be able to address it. i hope they eventually get meds that do not do this to a person, while fixing something else.
in general, as per my first posting before i added the "fix" above:
i was not aware of erectile dysfunction being as prevalent as it is, until recently. apparently, it's a very big issue for most men as they get older. i compare it to the younger years for women. your man, being younger than you, may need to look into this issue further with a urologist who specializes. about 18 years ago, i worked on a big project for this issue with a forward thinking group of physicians. at that time, alot of urologists were uncomfortable and uninformed as to the variety of factors and complications that can lead to erectile dysfunction. the issue can be psychological, but more often it can be heart related, medication related or a number of other co-variables.
according to therapists, the other issue is that with more and more porn and masturbation, men start training themselves in that direction (faster and more friction) . this is even more complicated with a woman who has had birth children and may therefore be less "tight".
unfortunately men cannot fake it as well as women, so answering your question is tricky. it's kind of like when do you tell a new "prospect" if you are disabled. i think part of this answer lies in how quickly you became sexually intimate. if it happened that quickly and you did not really know each other, w/o getting into arguing about whether that should or should not be, i can only say what else do you expect about sharing such a vulnerable issue?
maybe he thought the attraction would prove to end up with positive results? maybe he too, just needed to be held? as to your feeling you might not have been attractive enough, that is your issue and not his. we all have a bit of that and particularly as we get older. but that's an issue for men and women. if you care about each other, you focus on the good parts and are forgiving about the bad parts or unattractive parts of the other person. if anything, it gets a lot more into humanity as you get older.
as to the aging, psychological aspect--it's been my experience that if you really are good friends, truly care about each other and don't force the "conclusion" (the same for men with women), then it will reverse itself. a lot depends upon whether the issue is the erection or the culmination. also, if he stops the porn thing (if that's an issue) and focuses upon you (a real, live woman), he will be surprised what will happen that may not have happened for a long time for him, unless there is a medical or medication issue. this latter solution (stopping the porn) is recommended by therapists. so, maybe see if even when he is by himself if the problem still exists. but of course, asking that question and getting the answer assumes that you do have the workings of a relationship.
on the positive side, if this is just "psychological" or based upon the conditioning from masturbation, you can both be more understanding with each other and a lot more creative. you don't have to put up with the quicker and more self absorbed aspect of the man who has no problems and therefore does not try a whole lot more. many women are way happier with an older man who takes so much more time and can enjoy the journey as well as the goal!
and oh, by the way, i say that friendship is the key ingredient, but i am assuming that the chemistry is there. nowadays it seems that people can get so desparate, that they will sleep with anyone whether it's just for the sex or just because of the human touch/closeness. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 11:36:10 AM | The one thing you are all forgetting here, is this could also be a n "Emotional Issue". Maybe the poor guy has had a bad experience in his past or been traumatized. I read some research recently connecting the two as well as infertility issues in women can be traced to issues with "Daddy". He may need some help from a counselor and the blue pill...go easy on him and make him feel worse than he already does I am sure... Make it an experience, hot baths, candles, massages, Oral..whatever...who knows?
Peace,
Bill | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 12:11:04 PM | I can relate to this emotional deal...both my ex wifes cheated on me..scard me pretty good...and since then I have to develope strong feeling before intamcey even crosses my my...some ladies have a problem understanding that and exspect you to just "do " it...will it aint gonna happen here...pateince is vertue to those who wait!!! | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 12:55:32 PM | Interesting thread. I've only known two men with any type of issue in that department. One had a traumatic back injury, leaving scar tissue that caused a problem and the other was, as I found out later ~ very confused about his own sexuality and what exactly his orientation was. On that note, I was troubled ~ the injury man later had surgery to remove the scar tissue and I hear he's just dandy again. I also had someone tell me that his years of extreme physical training (triathlete) caused some issues. I did read that extrenuous biking can at times complicate things in that department. I think I'm just too closed-minded to be accepting of the who ED thing at this stage in my life. But, then again ~ I haven't had to deal with it on a personal level. One never knows, but I think I can safely say ~ I'd have to really really be in love with that person to venture down that route. I'm just not ready to have those issues in my life. But, that's just me.  | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 3:00:53 PM | Sheesh... a man is more than his erection, you know...
Speaking as one who has ED, it is an extremely frustrating thing to deal with. And the bigger the deal the woman makes it, it becomes exponentially more frustrating. The more frustrating it is, the more performance anxiety there is... it just becomes one big ED spiral.
Look, get over yourself. Stop with the righteous indignation of "he hurt my feelings because he couldn't get it up with me". He can't get it up with anybody. It's not you, it's him. Laying a guilt trip on him because he hurt your feelings is going to accomplish nothing.
Should he have told you? Yeah, he should have. Should he have taken the pills. Absolutely. The pills work wonders. He's being stupid. Maybe he's dealt with women who don't want "fake erections", who feel the need to ask every time if you've taken the pill or not. It's the close minded women who make this a difficult thing to talk about. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:40:51 PM | Blue,
I totally understand where you are coming from...I have been in a similar situation and yes it can be a bit frustrating not to mention stressful on you! The guy I was with was of my same age and I guess you just don't expect that from younger guys. A lot of things can cause this and us ladies shouldn't take it personal. I am sure the guy feels bad as it is. I think the guy was brave in telling you because if he was a jerk he would have found a way to blame it on you as a cover up for him and the sake of his manhood. If you really like the guy you'll hang in there looking for a solution and if sex is all you want from him well....move along because this won't happen overnight. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/27/2007 1:56:51 AM | | my last relationship was the same way but he was upfront with me well sort of he told me after he ran out of the blue pills and every time we came to be intimate he made me feel like it was something i was doing but then he would avoid me all along to and i was with him for 2 years and i tried to tell him sex isnt everything but he was blamming himself after a while and stoped blaming me and i kept reasuring him | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 1:02:24 AM | what do you all mean by blue pills? viagra? are people popping these now, before even trying to form relationships? i understand that if you have a medication problem, it might be necessary. but there are alternatives, like staying up all nite and taking one's TIME... not to mention, really getting to know one another!
a male friend of mine took viagra and had to walk around for four hours, looking like a towel hook. he was really upset and called me to ask what to do. this was not a booty call by the way. i told him to take a bubble bath. what else could i tell him? go find a date REAL quick. he took them to see what would happen, "if" he found a date afterwards. he wanted to know what to expect beforehand.
i think many sexual problems are coming from lack of true intimacy and caring and reliance upon porn, pills and vibrators. where is the humanity?
this is what my manfriend saw the other day on a T shirt:
WARNING! BE CAREFUL : spooning leads to forking! come on people spooning comes first, then the forking   | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 8:38:38 AM | blueeyedbabe49 - I think relationships are all about trust, honesty, respect and integrity.
If I was dating a man I would not expect him to say anything until we were moving toward intimacy - as I'm not a "Hi, nice to meet you - hold on one moment please, while I drop my drawers" kind of girl. So for me that is all personal information, which is not my business until things start to heat up - if they do, as I do not date all the men I meet or get inimate with all the men I date.
For me the same would go for a masectomy - prior to intimacy. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:32:34 AM | he should be honest upfront, if its a real issue; its not like its gonna go away, some guys have the issue...but won't look for a way around it or treatment assuming its the woman or whatever.
if ur honest ur being realistic and avoiding the embarassment of when u can't perform; instead of hoping it will work an then u not being able to perform; u have her upset/stressed and questioning urself. an ur embarassed /frustrated.
not saying its easy; but that ish needs to be discussed b4 ur in the situation; not when ur in it or after.......
sex is important as much as we say its not and some people don't want to be w/soemone who can f*ck them, sorry its life.
u can't control their reaction all u can control is your part..so be honest and let things fall where they may; by lying ur creating tense situations, when it does not have to go like that. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:38:48 AM |
a male friend of mine took viagra and had to walk around for four hours, looking like a towel hook. he was really upset and called me to ask what to do. this was not a booty call by the way. i told him to take a bubble bath. what else could i tell him? go find a date REAL quick. he took them to see what would happen, "if" he found a date afterwards. he wanted to know what to expect beforehand.
Just a suggestion if the poor guy finds himself in this situation again. :) Might not help, but sure can't hurt and it works with "normal" erections. Tell him to go try REALLY hard to lift the car.....yeah, seriously, just keep pushing up on the bumper trying to pick it up. Pulls blood to the muscles being used for that, thus causing loss of erection. Sounds really freaky, but I have seen it done and it worked! :) | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:58:03 AM | | why do ppl think its so easy to just go talk to a doctor about viagra? i cant even get my blood pressure taken without just about having a nervous breakdown...how do you sit in front of a stranger look him in the eye and say "i have a limp penis"? plus theres the girl who takes you to the exam room and asks you before the doctor comes in "what is this regarding?" then you say...."oh um erectile dysfuncton" to ensure as many ppl know about it as possible....plus ive heard viagra destroys your liver. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 6:42:16 PM | so sweet fishy, are you telling me he should go out there naked? he might be arrested! and what if he starts liking it!?* aw, just kidding you. i suppose it makes sense. haven't spoken to him lately, will call and see if he maybe met a real person who he can "relate" to w/o all this worry. i really don't see him doing the car thing. he lives in a condo, it would not be very private.
vinny, at your age, i suppose it is difficult to see a doctor for anything. in fact, studies have shown that married men get better medical care because their wives make the appointments and take them! i had to work on a strategy regarding how to get single/divorced men into the clinic to ID, let alone treat, prostate cancer. we made it into a group education experience, with women attending as well.
some men prefer men and others women doctors. they really don't see you "personally" as there are so many others with the same problem in their office with many penises going in and out all day! it might pay to see if the urologist "advertises" expertise in erectile dysfunction, although here in the usa advertising indicates interest in the topic, not necessarily competence. i say this because they will probably be more sensitive in order to attract the business.
i say look at medical care, as you would a construction project. consider yourself the general contractor and go out and find the good docs. just like plumbers and electricians, there are professionally run businesses and their are mills. start advocating for yourself and your medical care.
most offices do not have professionals that would care about "limp penises" or gossip. you could sue them if they did gossip. but really if you read the literature, it's a lot more common for a variety of reaons than you would think. at your age, the chances are it might be more anxiety, but then again it often is a symptom of an even more important medical issue, so not addressing it, may lead you to poorer health. forget the man-woman aspect.
i don't know about viagra, but with many meds you get liver testing and typically destruction is from overuse. so keep the relationship well rounded and drink lots of water! | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 7:20:28 PM | | OP, there are many reasons for ED, many of them medically or chemically induced. There are many treatment options available, and they should be discussed with your doctor. Personally speaking, it is up to the individual to decide when the time is right to share that information. If he has a loving and caring partner, there should not be an issue, but agreed, this information should be shared prior to intimate contact, and not after. I'm sure this is a big trust issue for the guys, and kudos for the ones who are man enough to be upfront and address their problem. | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 7:42:06 PM | haywiresue,
First of all, some of you are making the assumption that it was MY idea to just hop in the sack with this guy and you have no idea what the whole story is. FYI, we both agreed when we met that sex is a very important part of any potential relationship and it was HE, not I, who placed so much emphasis on our sexual compatibility. And since we are both adults, we decided to be intimate early on to see if there was any reason to go further with the relationship. (He basicly said that if we weren't good together sexually then it would not work.......as some of his past relationships didn't.)
The question I put to you and others here was not whether we should have been intimate/physical in the beginning, but whether he should have told me about his ED problem prior to doing so. I feel that if I had known upfront ,I would have at least been prepared for it when it happened and not felt guilty or that it was my fault.
So, please don't judge me for my choices as I wouldn't judge you for yours. We're all adults and make our own choices in life......it's whether you can live with them afterward that sets some of us apart.
Smiles,
Blue | |
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| Being upfront about erectile dysfunction
Posted: 6/28/2007 7:48:02 PM | He could be going through Andropause. (google it, if you dont know this term) This is one of the symptoms. Also, some medications affect the libito.
Be patient, and there are ways to get around it. Usually, if they can sustain a hard on it is usually only one time that day. Not very good if you are a person who likes to have sex more than once a day. | |
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