| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 6/30/2007 4:35:44 PM | If they are being abused make sure they are protected. If they aren't then your motives seem more related to your own feelings about the dissolution of the marriage than the best situation for your kids.
If your marriage is over then let it go. You cannot control what your ex does in her home. It's not your place to. If she is a competent parent then leave it be. Being late for school isn't the best situation but the kid is getting to school. It's not that he hasn't been there for 24 days.
Make sure your motivation is to provide what's best for your kids under the circumstances (they need both mom and dad) and to protect yourself. A judge won't rule that you have to pay alimony if she is able to work. It the custody is 50/50 then you most likely have nothing to worry about. By all means get a good lawyer but the idea of going after her isn't the best for your kids. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:37:08 PM | true, i have contacted her to try to talk it thru without lawyers, as it would suck away all our monies, and then the kids get nothing.
ill keep all posted | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 6/30/2007 10:03:16 PM | Hey Tballin,
that is not expensive for a lawyer. (well maybe were you are it is). According to a few friends, A half decent family lawyer in my area is 200 per hour minimun. The better ones are 225-250hr. At 160, i'd say you got a deal. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 6/30/2007 10:05:22 PM | Just noticed your in B.C as well.
The family laws are a tad different by each province. If she is after you for support, make you case coz in BC the support tables are void if you have your kids 40% of the time. | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 31 | |
| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:58:46 PM | tballin,
I was behind ya all the way there until....you started saying your ex was just trying to suck more money out of you...and your lawyer is gonna cost a bundle!
What is the real reason you want your son and primary custody?....because IMO...you shouldn't be concerned with the cost of obtaining that status if he is really suffering from being with his mother! | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/3/2007 12:32:01 AM | tballin, you'd best change your call name to 'toast' soon, because you're about to become it.
Have you done anything to protect 'your' house? How is it that you have a house and she does not? The court may consider that house to be for the kiddies and her to be living there. Happens all the time in the states - and I've read you guys have even wackier laws!
Her cheating on you is meaningless with regard to the two of you separating and ironing out the future. Methinks you're not considering what's best for your kids. Be the bigger person and find an amicable solution. Help her to make a smooth transition. Make a deal with your devil. Better to give her the money than a lawyer. She gave you children. Bite the bullet.
Do what you do for your kids. You can't 'fight' the mother of your children and win. There is no win. Swallow your pride and clean up the mess you made.
That's still the mother of your kids. What you do reveals you. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/3/2007 5:41:19 AM | | I have a friend who is a divorce and family lawyer and I do know from talking with him about divorce and custody laws that most times the mother will win divorce and custody cases unless it can be proved that she is unfit to be a custodial parent. But one thing he did explain is that the better lawyer you have, the better your chances of coming out on top are. Which means that it could be very expensive because of the time involved , psycological reviews, depositions ect. But it is not impossible , and I wish you the best of luck. Just try to remember that your children are the most important thing. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/3/2007 11:54:24 AM | Pucks;
The support tables are not void after 40%, child support is simply calculated by taking your income, your ex's income, taking the difference with the result being what you pay child support on. It is done in order to equalize the standard of living between the two households so that there is not a huge difference. If you and your ex make about the same then it is not relevant but with me I make over twice as much as my ex so, if I had my daughter over 40% of the time, I would still have to pay support. Albeit a lesser amount. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/3/2007 12:06:21 PM | | Definately stick to the facts and stay away from the name calling and blaming. Actually..$160.00 an hour and a $3500.00 retainer is not bad. I have a friend who specializes in the field of divorce and custody law and he charges $400.00 an hour and on top of that he asks for a $5000.00 reatainer fee. But then again.. he's never lost a case. Good luck tballin and I wish you the best. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/3/2007 1:04:56 PM | yes, I think your children would be better off with you. She is trying to use them as a paycheck and I bet you that if you do get custody of them that she will not be bothered with spending time with them. I could be wrong but once her money train pulls out what would she care for? KWIM?
Good luck and I wish that more men were as involved with their children as you are. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 38 | |
| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/3/2007 1:05:33 PM | Chef,
The tables are only used if you are not getting along with the ex.
Child support is determed by income yes.
Parents can come to there own agreements. I am surprised that more people do not.
Obvioulsy divorce takes it tool and i think more people should just put the kids first and do whats best for them and there would be less child support battles going on. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2007 11:07:45 AM | babs: Lawyers are pricey, and I have to refigure my finances to afford one. She is verbally abusive to my kids, but i know i will not be able to get sole custody, unless i can prove it.. I am currently doing this now. almost there.
samhonalulu: she owns the matrimonial home, she bought me out of the mortgage, and she is stuck in an obsenely high mortgage for her price range, this is her primaty motive for coming after me for more money. I will not allow her to use my children as a cash grab because she cannot afford the house she chooses to live in.
i actually asked her before the long weekend if she wants to discuss it, she said sure than i got nothing from her for the entire weekend, we live 2 minutes apart.
Like i have said, i have absolutely no issue paying for the kids, but she is asking for double waht i should be paying, and i know why. she cant afford her house, and she os not claiming her extra money making endevours. I love my kids, and i truly believe they are better off with me. I am interviewing lawyers today, and for the week. I will keep you posted | |
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| to answer those questions:
Posted: 7/4/2007 2:53:04 PM | Keep your mind on the bottom line, tballin.
That's what's best for your kiddies. Mom losing the house may prove you right, but what's in it for the kids? Instead of paying an attorney so they can afford their expensive house on your dime, offer to pay for a financial advisor or accountant to review the situation.
The lawyers will take your money happily.
Think about it, she was worthy of birthing your children. Even if she is using the kids to extract money, consider the lawyers you'd pay as only taking - she's the mom afterall - and that was your choice, 100% your choice. Even if you made a poor choice, you own it.
Most parents who've gone down the road you're starting off on (myself included) wish it could've been handled without forking over the cash to a lawyer instead of benefiting the kids directly or indirectly by helping her and her studs.
I have full-sole custody of my daughter, but the mother is impossible to reason with due to drug addiction. Even so, it took over a year after the proof was evident for the court to change custody. Your reasons appear petty and ego-driven. You're hurting and it shows.
Just trying to get the message across - if you can work it out directly, it's better for you and the kids. Change your perspective to a broader view.
If she's unfit - different story.
If she has financial problems, that doesn't make you a better parent.
Accept your mistake in judgement and learn from it. Aloha | |
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Posted: 7/5/2007 1:03:00 AM | i have already asked her to discuss it, she has yet to talk to me about it. been 5 days now. I have told her i did not want the lawyers to get all of our money, this is why we went to a mediator origionally. You do not understand. I had been giving her money, she wants more, we had agreed to each pay half of all chldcare expenses, as any parent should, but her motives are fueled by greed and greed alone. She is already told her lawyer i make 3 times as much as her, an untruth. she also does day care and respite eitger tax free, (so she doesnt claim it) or under the table.
Are you honestly saying i should just roll over and allow that to happen?
i would rather get this done fast and in legal documantation.
hre decision to come after me out of greed is unacceptable. I have to reply or i will get railroaded. | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 42 | |
| to answer those questions:
Posted: 7/6/2007 1:55:46 AM | tballin,
To me...no offence...but this is sounding more and more about your level of CP that your ex is demanding than it is about the child. If you go to court for primary custody....have the school records and record incidents of other issues that pertain to her parenting ability. DO NOT go into to court with the attitude you have about her wanting to suck more money out of you....she will win! I know lawyers cost money....but what are you really fighting here?....you need to get a clearer perspective of the reason you want to fight for PCP of your son....money and custody are two seperate issues..... | |
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Posted: 7/6/2007 8:47:59 AM | | So tell us there Babs. Just how much did you pay your lawyer to keep your kids and please tell us also how you managed your anxiety coping with your child support that you paid?? Inquireing minds would like to know?? ( seeing how you have so much experience in this area). | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/6/2007 9:54:00 AM | Here in the states...at least in my state...the only time cheating comes into play is when it comes down to alimony...and even then it depends on how old fashioned the judge is...since cheating is becoming so popular for destroying marriages...even the courts are becoming immune to it!
I believe 50/50 is fair...and don't worry...you'll get the short end of the stick when it comes to paying child support for three kids! So get everything that you can as far as assets go...there is absolutely no reason for that to not be 50/50. Good luck proving her "under the table" income....better hire a private detective for that one!
As the other poster said...get a lawyer..a good lawyer...an awesome lawyer...and definitely an expensive one! It will be worth it for you in the long run.
Cheating does not make her a bad mother, although it sounds as though she left you for another woman? That still doesn't make her a bad parent but you may want to consider some counseling for the kids to help them adjust with the divorce and the new family dynamics (if that is the case). Just my opinion....always concerned about the kids...they are the innocent by standers in this crazy world! | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 45 | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 46 | |
| to answer those questions:
Posted: 7/6/2007 11:50:46 PM |  ...funny thing hiwayman...I was smart enough to figure out how to represent myself after about 13G's...and I don't really have any anxiety over paying to support my children...it is my job! I find it amusing that some people think just because a parent has custody, they don't contribute anything financially to their kids...because they may receive CP.
...and hiwayman....in case those inquiring minds want to know how my ex dealt with that anxiety of having to pay a lawyer and child support....he ignored both financial obligations for quite a few years!...but back on topic.....financial support and custody are two completely seperate issues. If the OP presents the two issues in one argument to the court of why he wants to obtain PCP....he will loose before his lawyer even opens his mouth! (*disclaimer....JMO!) | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/7/2007 12:52:36 AM | 
Very wise words.
I will always be grateful that my daughter's father sees the benefits that our daughter is afforded by having a full-time, at-home parent. I could not do this without his financial support. Please believe me when I say that not all of us are money sucking, conniving, greedy biotches with the proverbial axe to grind. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/7/2007 4:24:47 PM | I am not saying that all women are monry grubbing people. This one is. I said before, i have no issue paying support for the kids, that is the side issue, and only because she wants way more than she is supposed to considering how much i have them and how much she makes. she is not "counting" her supplimental income, or the fact that she is given the entire child tax benefit, which is actually half mine too.
I feel the children are in a better situation when there with me. In my home, no issues concerning time spent or and distractions. Plus i am very safety consious. I do not intend to keep the kids from there mother, I just want them with me as much as possible, those kids are my world and they are my primary concern for hiring the lawyer. If i just give in to her now, without legal documantation, ill be folding like a house of cards for the next 16 years. I would rather them be here as I can give them the attention they deserve.
I am not bitter at her for cheating, but I do have a huge issue with the aura of "entitlement" she seems to think she has over the kids. She does try to set the times that I can have with my kids. "I do not want them sleeping at your house more than 2 nights a week." excuse me? These are my kids too, and I refuse to be religated as a weekend parent. I adore those kids and they deserve to be with there father as much as with there mom.
thank you for your posts.
I am NOT doing this for the wrong reasons | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/7/2007 6:59:37 PM | Ouch, this really is a list of questions for a lawyer to answer. I AM NOT A LAWYER, nor do I answer this in ANY LEGAL CAPACITY.
Ethically I can say, fight for what you believe is in the best interest of your children. Fortunately the courts have slowly become more equitable towards fathers obtaining full custody, so you do have a chance.
DON'T trash her in court, the judge doesn't want to hear it, they just want to see who is the best parent to have main custody and trying to trash her reputation to obtain custody will just make you look like a jerk.
Be mature and responsible in the court room, don't roll your eyes at things her lawyer says about you, don't show anger. The judge will be watching your reactions to allegations to sense the truth, just as the judge will do the same with her when your lawyer raises the adultery issues which you will NEED proof of. Many lies are told in court and that is one of them, without evidence it should just be left as a breif comment by your lawyer. If you have proof, lay it out strongly as it is a big basis for making legal arguments in divorces.
There is a LOT you are going to want to throw in court and assume is relevant, and probably is... but judges hate custody cases, they want the parents to work it out.
Better to have her initiate the court procedings in my opinion, but be sure to have made her a written offer prior to court so you can say you tried settling outside of the court but she refused. Often its easier to let someone trash themselves by their own actions then to try doing it yourself and make you out to be the bad guy.
As for your wifes side work, YES that counts, but expect her to say she had to stop that work due to the new responsibility of taking care of her children.
Get as much documentation for everything you can, finances, adultery, shool issues (But DON'T go asking for a letter from the school as she will do the same probably and schools will refuse, they want to stay out of it... you want PRIOR records, things that were documented long before this divorce/custody issue)
Good luck, and I'd be slow going back to the dating scene. I'm sure you need a shoulder to lean on right now all things considered, but dont short change a wonderful woman by having her only be there because you needed someone to console you. You want her there because you like her.
Hope this helps... and again... I'M NOT A LAWYER lol I'm not giving you legal advice, just being a friend.
Yes you stand a chance. So does she. | |
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| i think they' re better off with me!
Posted: 7/7/2007 7:33:28 PM | thank you, that is good advise. I do have proof of adultry. One of the two is prepared to testify to the fact lol. its true its true!
i am taking it slow, and i have not trashed her at all. I am taking the advise of my lawyer and doing what I can. | |
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