| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 8:11:02 AM | | Usually people do judge no matter what. Being a single mom of two boys myself before I had kids I probably would have made that assumption. Now I realize how lucky my kids are to still have their dad in their life and I wouldn't do anything to ever take them away (as long as he continues to be a great dad). We split the time with the kids and trust me I get looks from people when they ask where my kids are and I tell them at their dads. It's a painful judgemental world out there we just got to look beyond the first sentence. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 8:17:34 AM |
when weighing the importance (as my post that you quoted this line from was referring to) of a continuing education or travelling for employment versus raising your kids when you have the chance....which is the better choice?!
Are you kidding me with this crap? Their kids were with their fathers, getting all the love and attention they would have got from the moms, which I guess in your idea is not good enough.
These women weren't away from their kids for half their lives, only a couple years at most, and they saw them every chance they got... weekends and holidays. The women that went to college was taking classes during the day and also at night so that she could get it done sooner. She went from making money enough to provide the bare necessities to being able to buy a decent house for her and the kids, taking the kids on vacations, saving up for their educations and not worrying where the next meal was going to come from. You don't need alot of money to raise kids, but it sure as hell does help.
The other woman who was travelling, did so to further her career. She had the chance to turn it down and a woman without kids or a man would have gladly taken her place, but she decided that in order to do the kind of things that she wanted to do and work her dream job, that she'd take it. After a year of the travelling, she was promoted to a job that left her in one place. And she is a much better person for it.
In both these cases the kids never suffered due to the abundance of love and support from the dads... yes, dads can be great full time parents too. If I had the chance to work the career that I have always wanted to and it meant leaving him with his dad and seeing my son less for a short period of time, I would seriously consider it. I guess to you this makes me a bad mother... but I don't see it like that at all. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 8:59:11 AM | To the women who posted this question first:
As you can see by all of these post some people will judge and judge wrongly/ harshly. My thought is this ... the ones who do and will judge you wrong are not fit to be in your life . I want people in my life that have open minds and open hearts not someone who close minded and mean to those who are differenrt or have a different living life style then they do .
Your daughter is blessed for having a mom that wants what is best /right for her .
Good luck and hold your head up , your daughter has a mom to be proud of . | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 10:59:48 AM |
Are you kidding me with this crap? .....
Nope....not kidding at all. It is MY opinion....which I am entitled to. Sort of a been there, done it sort of situation. I have had opportunities offered to me where I could have pawned my kids off on my mother or someone else...and it was incomprehensible to ME. Seeing my kids on alternate weekends or an occassional day during the week would NOT be enough for them or myself. Maybe that makes me selfish? I could also never give a child up for adoption, but I certainly respect those who have made that choice for the right reasons. Again...MY opinion.
But AGAIN....you can have your cake and eat it too...school, career, kids, relationships, extracurricular activities, etc...
And yes...there are MANY father's who make incredible CP's!! Agreed! | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:06:23 AM | | i am a single dad of two childrens aged 7 and 3.. a year and half ago my ex wife decided she didnt want to be with me any more and without any arguement said the kids could live with me....i was told by her sister that she had been a mum and wife for 6 years and just wanted to be herself again... in the end though i found out that she left the 3 of us to be with another man who had also just walked out on his wife and 2 kids.. Nowadays if any women who does not live with their children tries to talk to me im sorry to say i just blank them. saying that i do feel sorry for any dads who dont have their kids with them as children are the most wonderful things in the world. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:11:23 AM | | I would'nt assume anything until I heard the circumstances. My son has been living with me full time for the past eight years and he has a wonderful, caring, supportive , loving and successful mother who is and always has been actively involved in his life. Sometimes things just happen. The important thing is that my son has two loving and caring parents who both want the best for him. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 83 | |
| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:30:30 AM | Hey Harley,
I think the point your missing is the child has gone to the dads and moms are still very involved even though the child is sleeping at dads. I doubt very much these moms would agree with you that they have "pawned" there children off like you stated.
I dont think there is anything wrong with dad helping out while mom tries to better her education. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:55:18 AM | Harley,
Why is it that you feel a child is better off with the mother, why is it considered "pawning off" when a mom lets the dad take over as the CP? This is his child too after all.
Seeing my kids on alternate weekends or an occasional day during the week would NOT be enough for them or myself.
But it IS ok for kids to only see their dads on alternate weekends or an occasional day here and there? (I'm not speaking about just your kids, but all the kids out there who have their mom as the CP). It's such a myth and a crock that women think they are the best for their kids rather than the dad. I believe, IMO, that in the end you are selfish if you carry this attitude. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 5:22:04 PM |
I have had opportunities offered to me where I could have pawned my kids off on my mother or someone else
Harley, we're not talking about "pawning the kids off" to extended family members. We're talking about fathers playing an equal part in raising their children. And we're talking about it being just as healthy to the child's well-being to be raised by a loving, caring father as it is to be raised by a loving, caring mother. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:31:32 PM | Harley, you are tacitly criticizing women who make the choice not to have their children under their shirt-tails 24/7. It does not make those women any less of a mother. I take it personally b/c my mother and father came to the decision together for my father to be the custodial parent. It means my mother made a great choice in bearing children to a man whom she could trust to raise her children.
As I have posted earlier, I've never had one scintilla of negative thoughts towards my mother for making that decision. She did what she thought was best for her children, not was best for HER. That is trully sacrificing for your children. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 7:32:20 PM | i have two kids a girl 18& boy 17 well thats my story i've had custody ever since my boy was 8mos. old so i've been mom & dad for 17 1/2 years put them through school went to church played with barbies &tonka trucks i brought home the bacon fried it up in a pan took them shopping (boy was it haed to shop with my daughter but we got through everything &their mom didn't have anything to do with them my past life b-4 kids i was a bad_ _ _ biker but when we had the kids i done a 180 && as i look back on the times i wouldn't take all the money in the world but to raise kids you need two parents thats what it took to get them here. now that their older i have been getting back to my real life which i never lost  | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 9:00:45 PM | | Here's my thing. I have 2 children that I love more then anyone without children could possibly understand! I'm sure the rest of you parents are indeed the same. My children live with their father and I equal amounts of time. I would absolutely love to have my kids more often and I miss them absolutely every single second they are gone. But let's go back. I live in a VERY small town and my in laws make up the majority of not only the town but the county as well. I had no family out here until my divorce was final. No support...NOTHING!!!! I literally mean NOTHING by the way. I found a job, got my own place and was doing very well on my own. The jude favored with their father's side and granted full custody to their father. Yeah....HUGE heart breaker. It's not because I was or am an unfit parent, or wasn't capable of taking care of my children on my own and it most certainly was not due to drugs or by my own choice. It's a small town where it pays more then millions of dollars to know the right people. If you don't know the right people, it's hard to find a job in the same town let alone win custody of your children. I rarely got to see my children and it was taking quite the toll on me. So the next time we went back to court they decided that I was mentally unstable. Would you not be if the same happened to you? My children are my life. Anyways, I made absolutely no head way until that judge retired and a new one from a city came in. That's when I got my children back on a more regular basis and trust me... one of these days I WILL have my children the majority of the time. Until then you'd better believe that when I don't have them I work on my career and better my future. If I have a brighter future, my children most definately will be there to share it with me. BUT I never gave up fighting for them. SO to answer the question already. A typical person I've noticed does think very poorly of those women who say their children live with their father but I'll bet you anything in the world those mothers think less of themselves then anyone could ever think of them. Whether it's in the back of their mind or their shouting it out loud. I know that my personal experience changed my way of thinking dramatically!! Just always remember that there is so much more then stating a living arrangement...like the full story!! And no I'm not saying that there aren't crack head moms out there or ones who aren't ready for motherhood and what not I'm simply saying not everyone is the same. | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 93 | |
| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/2/2007 11:03:48 PM | HarleyKat,
I in complete agreement with every post you have made! I have to wonder why the OP started this thread in the first place?...feeling some guilt maybe? I do think highly of her for making the decision not to disrupt her daughters life (12 is a tricky age for girls)..but I share in your opinion, there are very few circumstances that would cause me to give primary custody of my kids up.
I know there will come a time when my boys will want to live with their dad...but I wouldn't let that happen until I have finished instilling in them the values they need to have as an adult. There comes a time to test the boundaries when kids get to the teen years. I personally think that any woman who gives up young children (meaning under 12) goes against all the laws of nature. Going to school or travelling for a job to better yourself for your kids...is a cop-out as a reason for giving up custody as a mother... There are laws in place to protect children financially...so if the father has more money...he pays more.
Becoming a parent means that you as an induvidual now comes last....there are no time-outs in a kids childhood for one to travel or go to Unniversity....you can't pick up at the same place you decided to selfishly checkout when "your done bettering yourself". JMO....*and that is not to say that I think there are alot of good Dad's who are PCP's....but my thought is...I had my chance to do the job/school/single thing....it isn't my turn anymore...it my turn to provide my kids with opportunities in life....and I would do whatever I had too make that happen...without giving them up! | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/3/2007 12:11:27 AM | Being a single dad with full custody of my child, I would have to say YES! the warning lights are ON. That is the situation that I found myself in. However, after the kids are over 12 it is quite common for them to want to live with dad. That's my experience in online dating... I read some of the comments from other guys and think they are not being totally honest...
You asked | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/3/2007 6:41:18 AM | RJPeagles....
No...I am not....I am sharing my opinion. Why is that so difficult for you to grasp the difference? The OP asked what was our initial opinion and I answered. I do realize that each and every case has it's own details. Jhaemeir is a perfect example of this. Initially, if I first met her via work or other, and discovered through the grapevine or her own vague explanation....I would probably think, "ARGH!" But if she further explained, I would probably empathize much more, especially since she seems to be in the situation without choice. And she is a fighter.
I am glad it worked out for YOU. Really! I am also glad you hold no animosity towards your mother! Back in the 70's, my stepfather had custody of my stepsister...a rarity at the time. Her mother was a truck driver, he made great money, had a nice home and another family. It was what was best for Susie! In that situation....it probably really WAS what was best. BUT...I cannot help to think there are MANY women who SAY their motives are for the children, and it is really for their own good. Susie's mom could have found other employment that provided, and still enabled her to be around for her daughter!
Babs and Jeepgurl...I appreciate that there are other women who will stick to their guns about their personal opinions! :) Sheesh...I never thought in my life, I would be chastised for believing that a mother...the person who births the children and DOES have a unique, step ahead, bond with the children...is a bad person for believing that once you CHOOSE (it is a choice!!!) to have a child, you would be anything less than a full time mommy! If I wanted to go further myeducation or career, and could not balance it with raising my children, then I would have decided that prior to having them!
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/3/2007 4:34:49 PM | I am not Babs...but she and I tend to think a lot alike, so am giving this a stab:
Babs;
Could you expand on your "it goes against nature for a mother to give up custody". While a part of me agrees with the statement I hope you are not implying the courts should feel this way, that it is best for the child to be with its mother during the younger years. I don't think that's what you meant but wanted to make sure.
Argh! Stick to the topic at hand whenever possible....or at least do not twist someone's wording into another topic! When thinking of a mother who does not have custody of her children....it goes against nature for a mother to give up custody....it is otrageous, unnatural, unheard of, for some!
Now....if you want to talk courts...start a new thread! :) Because if two parents who are equally fit to be parents, have a 6 month old breastfeeding baby....then YES...the courts should consider it is best for the child to be with it's mother. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/3/2007 5:06:28 PM | I have never passed judgement on anyone for where their children live . My oldest son ,who was 10 yrs old when his father and I divorced , lived with his father until he was 19 . It was his wish to live with his father and I respected that . Some boys just need their fathers more and he was one of those boys . Since the ex kept our son , I agreed to a uncontested dissolution ,and let him have all the marital assets and all I took was my favorite chair and personal items .
Was it easy for me to accept the fact my son didn't want to live with me full time ? No ,it was damn hard but I put my pride aside to do what was in the best interest of my son . My ex husband was an awesome father to him , and my son had a good life .It also helped that my ex husband and I got along really well and we are friends to this day . We basically had a shared parenting agreement before shared parenting became the "in " thing to do . I paid support and covered medical expenses my ex's insurance didn't cover , not under any court order, but because I felt it was my job to help raise my child . My child was free to stay with whichever one of us he chose to, because we lived near each other . I let my ex claim him on his taxes each year and usually gave him a portion of my tax refund for him to, so our son had a nice little nest egg saved up when he turned 18 . My son is now married and 24 and has grown into a loving ,strong man ,and for that I give all the credit to his father .
This happened back in 1992 and society judged me harshly because my child didn't live with me .People looked at me like I had done something wrong ,as to why he didn't live with me, and that was not the reason at all . Now days it is more acceptible for children to live with their fathers and more fathers are getting custody . | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 7/3/2007 8:46:59 PM | ....it goes against nature for a mother to give up custody
those are my thoughts exactly about Fathers who aren't an equal part of their children's lives. Out of all my male buddies whom I have called a "good" friend over the years, I've only had one whom I didn't consider a great father. And not coincidentally he and I have had quite a few disagreements over what HE considered the excessive amount of child support I pay my ex' condsidering I keep my children slightly less than a 50/50 ratio.
I think society has set a very low standard of what is considered being a good father as it pertains to broken family units. It would have been devastating for me not to have been a part of my 2 sons lives during their early years.
I'm very, very far from a perfect father. I don't even consider myself a very good father. I make plenty of mistakes. But at least both my sons will grow up knowing that having a contant Paternal influence in a child's life is the way it should be, not the exception. They will know that being a Father is just as important as being a Mother. | |
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