| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/30/2007 10:44:25 AM | | I agree with others that say that every situation is different. However, before my divorce I would have thought badly about the mother who had their kids live with the father. Don't really know why I guess I thought that they were a bad mom who doesn't want their kids. Now being a single parent and having one of my children living with her father, I understand a whole lot of things alot better and differently than I used to. Do I like the situation? Not necessarily. But want I want the most is that my 14 year old is happy and ,well adjusted to life after divorce, which is what I feel that she is. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/30/2007 6:09:51 PM | I've only read a few pages of this thread but something is leaping out at me...
But first, as asked, my first impression would be to want to know why. And I KNOW there'll be a story. Because it's unusual. That's all. It's becoming less so, but still.
I had a job that required me to pore over family law court judgements for years. Probably in the thousands altogether. There are evil dads who steal kids from perfect moms and and evil moms who steal kids from perfect dads, with the vast majority being everything in between. Like with the OP, most people just figure out what works best for all the people in their situation, and only the worst cases would even end up in court for me to have to write it up later. But overall I think I can generalize that "custody" (I can't emphasize those quotation marks enough) leans towards moms.
Which brings me back to what was leaping out at me. Legal terms like "custody". I think people get too hung up on rights and start throwing around terms like custody, visitation, access, and then they start in with the percentages of time spent, dollars spent... fighting for the right to be "equal" parents. I don't think it can ever be "equal". A good parent gives what they've got and sometimes it's less than the other. And it doesn't matter what you call it. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 9/30/2007 6:32:26 PM | | I am a single Dad myself...so when I hear that a Woman's kids live with the Dad. I think of the many reasons why. Then I drift back to why I have my kids. There has been 7 years pass by and about 4 times they've seen their Mom. She has made it clear--she doesn't want to be their Mom.Partially because she thought she'd punish me. But it's ok--I see there are some Moms who give the ex-husbands the choice of raising the kids--like I had. It's not always Mopm being unfit... | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 4:30:58 AM | All this fighting over custody only the lawyers win.. When the kids get old enough they will find excuses to go where they want. My girls have never yet spent a full week at their mom's even though it is supposed to be 1 week each. They always make up some excuse to come home.. Now she is planning to have them for Supper on Wed and she is hoping they may want to sleep over that night.
My sister gave me great advice. Don't fight custody. The kids will figure out where they want to go you don't need to spend a fortune on a lawyer.. At first it was 3 weeks with me and 1 week with her. (I did all the parenting their whole life) Then she said she was going to fight me for equal weeks.. I said no problem of course we can do equal weeks.. Now it is about 90% with me.
So don't fight it. Just be a positive influence when your kids are with you | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 6:24:37 AM | | Typically in the world today, people pass judgement on people they don't even know. Reading this forum...proves how IGNORANT people can sterreotype others....pass judgement without the facts. I AM a mother who's children don't live with...personally, you don't need the facts why, but I assure you, "AGAINST A MOTHER'S INSTINCT" or "UNFIT" or "SELFISH" or "UNINTERESTED" are not even close to the truth. I really do feel sorry for people like you. It's always easier to think the worse isn't it. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 6:52:11 AM | i try not to judge but i fail miserably i have children and no way in hell would they live somewhere else. i know certain circumstances that a woman cant care for her children, but most women ive encountered who lost custody was because of addictions they got in trouble for or they just didnt want to deal with the kids. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 11:17:15 AM | My daughter lives with her dad by her own choice. I have no addictions and have never been proven unfit. I have cared for her all 8 yrs of her life......She loves both of her parents. I would not want her to feel as if she were in a tug of war or that she had to choose. Do I like it, ABSOLUTELY NOT. However, my main concern is for her happiness and well being she knows without restriction she has total access to me. I will and have dropped everything and everyone when she needs me.
Isn't that what being a parent is all about to do what is in the childs best interest and to try within reason to make them happy. Being a parent is and should be an unselfish selfless love.
Sharonabelle | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 4:32:44 PM | My children live with me, but that doesn't make their Mother a bad Mother. My ex said that the children would be better off with me because of career reasons and security reasons. My children's Mother loves her children just as much as i do and she sees them all the time. This thing about woman always getting the kids over the Father is a bit unfair in my books. It also has to do with how old the children are to. If the child is a baby then it is better for them to be with their Mother, but there is no reason for a child not living with their Father if he can provide and take good care of them as a mother can. Not sure if i am making a lot of sense here but i am writing this on 2 hours sleep...lol
Anyways, nobody should blame a mother for letting her children live with the Father, because some woman out there do realize what is in the best interest of the children and if it means living with their father, than so be it. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:10:38 PM | ********************mojo and Layin******************************************
Unless you understand the situation it a small mind that would automatically assume that a Mother with children not living with her is a crack addict, unable to hold a job, or a woman is for one reason or another a whore.
I work everyday as a service writter, (btw...typically a male profession) and have been for the last 10 years.
I have never in my life been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I worked, came home,made dinner, washed clothes, and cleaned the house. My days off consisted of trip to zoos, amusement parks, playgrounds, and weekend trip to state parks...ect. I never dated anyone in the last 8 year because my life was devoted to being her mother. I did not have an endless parade of men in and out of my house. I taught her not only through my words but my actions as well.
It was the most difficult thing I ever did. My concern is not for myself it was for my daughter. She knows she is not allowed to go back and forth for frivolous reasons. However, she also know my phone and door is always open to her. It was her choice. I made sure she would be ok with it by taking her to counciling in whichboth myself and her father participated in. I did not just drop her off and run.
As a matter of fact, if more parents( men & women) stopped the power struggle between them, and listened to the needs of thier children everyone involed would be much less stressed including the children. Everyone seems to forget that children are perfectly capable loving both parents and don't need to make a choice between them.
Sharonabelle | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:27:17 PM | Unless you understand the situation it a small mind that would automatically assume that a Mother with children not living with her is a crack addict, unable to hold a job, or a woman is for one reason or another a whore.
I work everyday as a service writter, (btw...typically a male profession) and have been for the last 10 years.
I have never in my life been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I worked, came home,made dinner, washed clothes, and cleaned the house. My days off consisted of trip to zoos, amusement parks, playgrounds, and weekend trip to state parks...ect. I never dated anyone in the last 8 year because my life was devoted to being her mother. I did not have an endless parade of men in and out of my house. I taught her not only through my words but my actions as well.
It was the most difficult thing I ever did. My concern is not for myself it was for my daughter. She knows she is not allowed to go back and forth for frivolous reasons. However, she also know my phone and door is always open to her. It was her choice. I made sure she would be ok with it by taking her to counciling in whichboth myself and her father participated in. I did not just drop her off and run.
As a matter of fact, if more parents( men & women) stopped the power struggle between them, and listened to the needs of thier children everyone involed would be much less stressed including the children. Everyone seems to forget that children are perfectly capable loving both parents and don't need to make a choice between them.
Sharonabelle
excuse me, i said very plainly the mothers i've encountered lost their children due to very selfish reasons. i ALSO said i know there are circumstances, i just never encountered them. so back off kindly. i didn't attack anyone and i don't have a small mind, thank you very much simply put, there was never a power struggle between their father and myself, he knows the kids were going nowhere without me. he isn't a bad father, has no addictions, and doesn't get in trouble with the law. there is no shred of doubt in my mind those kids will ever choose to live with their daddy, ever.  | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:49:16 PM | you have to wonder why a lot of people see custody as a "victory".
Maybe without them at your home full time, you HAVE more opportunities to work and be productive for them. Maybe its because support payments are lower than day care bills and are by definition within your budget? Maybe its because you want to encourage your kid(s)' relationship with the other parent? Maybe its the school in their area thats better for them? Maybe they're on a team in that area that they want to stay on? So many different things that have nothing to do with someone being "unfit". No one is perfect, including custodial moms.
And these days most courts grant JOINT custody anyway, so even the parent that doesnt have the kids with them, still has custody. That includes decision making abilities, pick up and drop off authority, education and medical authority, and so on. This can be bad however, when one parent doesnt give the kids their prescrition meds or pick them up on time, etc. and the other parent gets blamed for it.
The way I see it is that there are familial advantages to EVERY situation and status, you just need to know what they are and how they are of benefit. Regardless of what a paper says, or where kids might be staying at any moment or month in time, nothing will ever take them away from a mom. People need to stop being so d*mn judgemental. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 9:57:17 PM | Well isn't that nice for you. However, as your children grow they will have minds and thoughts of thier own. At a certain age by law children do have a choice. The age may defer on age from state to state but they all have laws like it. Maybe you should encourage your children to think and feel for themselves. The one contsant in this strange life we all share is change, I know one day she will be back.
As for backing off, I am tired of being painted as a druggie with no morals. Thats why I got angry wasn't you personally. However, the broad brush with which you paint others is unfair. Sometimes, being a parent isn't easy and hard choices have to made. The most painful thing I have ever done was to let her go. I know that we made the right choice for her for right now and for the near future. I did it from a place of love for her not myself. If someone says they would NEVER let them go maybe its because they love themselves more. Remember, the rule with which you measure you will be measured.
Sharonabelle | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/2/2007 10:31:15 PM | | you don't know me or how i raise my kids. i raise them to think for themselves and to respect themselves as well as raise them to be independent individuals. i'm not painting anyone any way. you want to say that majority of mothers who don't have their children living with them do so out of child's choice? turn on the news, open a paper, better yet look into being a foster mother. its a sad situation but a lot of mothers lose their children for purely selfish reasons. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/3/2007 5:56:54 AM | | Well from my own experience and other women I have met.....the courts are different today. If they both want custody it becomes a custody fight if they cannot agree on this. It was going to take 20,000 for my fight. Usually women don't have the means for the fight. In this day and age whoever has the money, or better home,better work schedule usually gets the kids. It has nothing to do with being unfit. Don't assume something bad until you find out the facts. In my case my ex became abusive so I left and stayed with a friend. Trying to get on my feet so since I had no home of my own and was struggling they gave us joint custody. With the ex being the residential custody. Very devastating, heartbreaking. But you have no choice if you have no money for lawyers. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:35:05 AM | I didn't say that in all cases the circumstances were the same. There are unfit parents of both genders. I'm just saying before people come to a conclusion before they know the facts.
You are right about one thing, there are alot of unfit selfish parents (men & women) and it is a shame. The situations that you speak of are very sad and my heart goes out to the children. They are powerless and they are always the ones that pay for the indisgretions of the adults in there lives.
Sharonabelle | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/4/2007 5:18:37 AM | hey someplace,, you said
I try not to make assumptions, but 1 assumption that I may have is: the mother's not iunterested in her kids.
Maybe that's not a fair assumption, but a couple of the only instances I know where the father had permenant custody, were instances where the mother just didn't want the responsibilities of motherhood, and was more content to have a childless person's lifestyle, while her ex looked after the kids.
to me it appears she has great interest in her children and how they are raised to hadn them to their father. seems to me its a very responsible and loving thing to do for her kids to recognize that they would be better off with their dad since she isnt comfortable with raising them alone, or being a full time parent. ya know, i really detest double standards, cuz they arent fair at all, and when it involves a woman, she always gets the short end of it.
to give my answer to the op's question,, I dont initially think any one thing or the other, i figure that there had to be some good reason for the decision. but hey, i dont happen to think that by virtue of gender, women make better full time partents than fathers do either.
to anyone posting here,,, next time your initial reaction to something is negative, take a few moments longer to find out the truth.
seems that we are a society comfortable with thinking the worst of eachother than we are making the effort to find out the truth about ppl. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:42:17 AM | so if its going to cost you child support payments to the other parent that you dont believe that you should have to pay beacuse the kids deserve to stay with you and not with them (reasons vary), you dont think you should challenge that?
I'm beginnign to see how maybe paying those payments might be cheaper than daycare but I still show my love for them no less. Whose house they stay at isnt a sign of who loves them any more or less. But to cut a long story short, he owes me SO much money that I cant even contemplate sending a dime his way. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 1/8/2008 8:44:57 PM | | my initial thought..... selfish ****. i think every boy needs the nurturing that only a mother can give. i am biased no doubt,.....as i was a single parent since my son was 18 months old. as a man, he still has issues that his mother abandoned him. it didn't help that she was an alcoholic drug user. i never said bad things about her to him but essentially he saw her as she was. phew wee, it was not easy raising him alone. i realize there are always circumstances but the question asked for the initial thought. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 1/8/2008 9:08:31 PM | eh. My ex-wife knew I was the more devoted parent and that it would be almost impossible for her to complete her medical degree if she took custody of the kids. Granted, she expected me to be her doormat/daycare/handyman for... well, ever, and my move back here with the kids kind of pissed her off, but we all agree that it has been much better long-term for EVERYONE. Now she lives about an hour away, has remarried (to a woman with 3 kids, but that's kind of tangential to the discussion at hand), and we're all doing just fine, thanks.
Besides, she just really wasn't cut out of maternal/nurturing cloth. I, strangely, was. Who knew? I have had to defend her to women *I* was contacting on this kind of site, because they all assumed there was a drug or mental issue that would cause problems/drama later on. Nope, just the usual custodial/non-custodial parent stresses. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. I just happen to have the kids. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 1/9/2008 12:14:39 PM | hmm.. first intial thoughts are loser...selfish biotch...every child needs thier mother.. and you obviously messed up somewhere along the way and lost yor childrens effections or your rights to parent them. BUTTTT thats my first thoughts. Until I see the reasons why like for example have you seen BRATCAMP???
some moms there thorw up thier hands and thier kids are sometimes better off living away from thier moms becasue their child may actual do physical harm to them. In certain cases yes some kids are better off with thier father who has the presence and stronger physique to handle a problem child. BUt yet some moms dont want baggage and throw thier kids to thier dads and start thier lives over again...
those hos i just wanna throw scalding hot water in thier face!!! | |
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