| WTF is up with women using being safeonline as an excuse to play games?
Posted: 7/8/2007 1:32:04 PM | Funny how someone truly believes she can divine psychopathy through just a scant amount of contact.
Whatever.
Oh, contrare, DARK angel! Your username says it all. Sorry you've been through so much. I have too, but I still try not to judge everyone.
I found some very good dating advice from someone who knows. This is from a dieting website, thus, the relating to eating, lol. This is long, but so worth the read:
A number of us are reaching the point of dating, or wanting to date for the first time in their lives, and it occurred to me that perhaps some would like some pointers. I used to run a heavily trafficked relationships board for Time Warner, and have read most of the popular and useful relationship guides available. I've counciled a number of people on relationships, both those who were in bad relationships they needed to leave, and those who were trying to figure out how to pick a better class of men.
Not everyone wants advice, and if that's the case, then this is NOT addressed to you. But if you're trying to figure out how to get started, I'd like to share some of the things I've learned.
Finding a relationship is like buying a house - the perfect fit may be unexpected, but you have to let people know you're in the market before you can find it. Don't be afraid to involve an expert or tell people you're looking. And remember - it's WORK, but it's *worth* it.
MOST men online are legit, and are reasonably safe to meet. The worst I've personally come across are the married men who lied. However - there are predators out there. So, when it comes to meeting strangers, it's safety first.
Always meet in familiar territory - that means make them come to you. Don't be afraid to say "for my safety, I'd like to go somewhere I know". If they fight you on it, don't go out with them because any man who respects you will *want* to make you feel safe.
Meet in a public place, and don't be afraid to tell the maitre'd or bartender that you're meeting a blind date, that you're going to have no more than one drink and you are NOT leaving with the gentleman. That gives them the confidence to step in if your date tries to slip you a mickey or tries to haul you out of there claiming you're drunk or ill.
I always left a file on my bed with EVERYTHING I knew about an online suitor - every email, picture, screenshot. If for some reason, I didn't make it home, I had left some clues for the police on where to start. Just as I took a will, a living will and power of attorney to Brazil, I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best.
Men are surprisingly honest and deceitful at the same time. But I have found one thing to be true - men will NEVER lie to make themselves look WORSE. When he says he's a millionaire lawyer with a yacht, take it with a grain of salt. Maybe, maybe not. When he says he's never been faithful, that he's not good enough for you, that he's not ready for a relationship, that he doesn't want to get married - *that* is the god's honest truth. Believe him and walk away.
Now, on to other things.
Put together a "First Date" outfit - something that is feminine, comfortable and makes you feel good. That's your uniform. Keep it clean & ready to go. That eliminates the stress of figuring out what to wear. Don't worry that you wear it a hundred times - the only person who is seeing it 100x is YOU.
Go outside your comfort zone. If you're not meeting single, available men in your usual haunts, then you need to go somewhere outside your normal routine. Take a class in something you've never done before. Go to sporting events, even if you don't like sports. You might meet someone else who's been dragged along and commiserate together.
Remember the phrase "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your handsome prince"? Dating is a numbers game. The more single men you meet, the more likely you are to meet one you like. Make it a game - meet 5 new men per week. This doesn't mean date. It doesn't mean single. It doesn't mean in your age range. Five octagenarians at the nursing home will do just fine. Just make eye contact, exchange smiles, say 'Hi' to five people of the male persuasion that you've never met before.
You have to put yourself in approachable situations. Go read in a coffee shop. Go hang out in a park. Volunteer to hand out water bottles at the local 10k. Unless you're expecting to fall for the mailman, Mr Right isn't going to come ring your doorbell. You have to put yourself out there. I know a woman who met her husband in a GAY bar. She was there to dance. He was there for his (gay) brother's birthday party. I know another woman who met her life-partner at a tennis match - they BOTH absolutely HATE tennis, which is why they were both in the empty bar when the rest of the club was outside watching the big game.
Tell just about everyone that you're available and looking. You don't have to hound them, but let it be known. Let your great aunt Mabel set you up on a blind date. Go out with the guy that your next door neighbor thinks would be perfect for you. Yes - most of them will be boring, strange, and unsuitable, and leave you wondering what the hell these people think of you......but once again - it only takes ONE. Keep looking.
A date is just a date. It's an opportunity to sit across the table from a stranger, exchange a few words over a beverage or a meal, and see if you'd like to repeat the experience. That's it. It's not rocket science. It's not life-threatening. The skies are not going to open & angels aren't going to sing. It's not complicated. Don't put any more importance into than that.
You don't have to tell everyone your life's history. A first few dates are an opportunity to ENJOY each other's company. It's not dishonest - it's actually burdening someone with intimate information they aren't ready for. When it looks like it's going somewhere, then yes, you can reveal more about yourself. Flowers don't just pop open - they bloom slowly revealing their inner souls to the world.
Go out with EVERYONE who even remotely interests you. As long as they aren't scary or an absolute "NO", go out with them. Remember - it's just a date. Pick a few things that are Instant Rejects, but keep your list short. If you really knew what your type was, you'd have married him by now. And you don't have to justify your Reject list.....if you won't date outside your race or religion, so be it. That's your perogative. Just don't use this as an excuse not to date ANYONE.
The two most important things in any relationship are Character & Compatibility. NOTHING else is as important as these two things. If you always choose these two points first, then it doesn't matter whom you fall in love with, because they will ALL be great guys. But - just because someone is a great guy (good character) does NOT mean you have to date him (incompatible). It is a great kindness to you both to release him back to find a woman who is a better match.
Dating doesn't take place on the phone or in email. Eliminate the fantasy factor as quickly as possible and move it to real life. If you're using online dating services, try to get to the meet & greet as quickly as you are comfortable doing.
And if you have a half-relationship going on, END IT. One of the reasons many of us were never hungry before dieting was that we were constantly eating - we never allowed true hunger to happen, and because of that, we never truly were satiated. The same thing happens with emotional hunger. If you're constant grazing on junky relationships, you won't appreciate the real thing when it comes along.
At the same time, desperation isn't attractive. You have to be fulfilled so that you have something to give a relationship. No man or relationship is going to fill a hole in your life. They are a garnish; not the main dish. Appreciate what they have to offer, and wait to see if they offer more.
Now - will all of this commotion immediately produce the perfect guy? No, of course not. And in many ways, the universe responds like this - you shake the apple tree & get oranges.
So you may go out on a bunch of blind dates, meet guys online, and then suddenly reconnect with your kindergarten boyfriend. These may appear to be unrelated, but I believe they are not. I believe that you put out signals to the world saying "I'm happy & available & looking", and men & the universe respond to that in unexpected ways.
Good luck and have fun 
I especially like the idea of leaving info about your "meet" at home just in case! | |
|
| WTF is up with women using being safeonline as an excuse to play games?
Posted: 7/8/2007 10:26:46 PM | You never really have anything to lose, until it's in the real world.
I totally agree .
People talk about being afraid of rejection ..... I do not think it is possible to be rejected by a "profile" .
The only way I would feel rejected would be if we met ....and I was really interested in her and she no likey me back . .....even then , I wouldn't feel very much rejected because I could make up all sorts of excuses . (-;
| |
|
| |
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/9/2007 12:49:17 AM | I just don't understand why intelligent men without a geographic hurdle would allow themselves to be strung along for weeks and weeks.
Makes no sense to me. Quit cawing about it and move on. How many women are on this site?
Oh and as for:
Women's safety ? Please give me a break. I ask everyone this : How many women do you know that have been attacked by a total stranger or jumped by a group of people ?
I don't know one !!!
Allow me to introduce myself.
But I still meet the guys I'm interested in. On my terms and within a week or so at most unless they're... well... out of range. Not much I can do about that. | |
|
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/9/2007 1:17:29 AM | | My rule is two weeks. If there are no plans to meet after two weeks (not meet , just have a date in mind) then I figure I'm wasting my time. Apart from that , being safe is a pretty reasonable notion. For that matter, you as the guy have far more to worry about from a statistical standpoint since you have nine times the chance of being assaulted just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Consider this when weighing the veracity of the statement "I want to be safe". It works more for your own benefit than you probably realize. | |
|
tdh46
|
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 181 | |
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/9/2007 10:31:29 AM | Online dating would be so much more rewarding if we could find a way to bridge the gap between the women that are seriously concerned about safety and the men that understand this but really don't want their time wasted by the game players.
Communication is the key i think. women need to be more clear with their reasons and guys need to be more understanding. intelligent people should be able to find common ground. | |
|
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/9/2007 11:01:21 AM |
Online dating would be so much more rewarding if we could find a way to bridge the gap between the women that are seriously concerned about safety and the men that understand this but really don't want their time wasted by the game players.
V. Good point! Maybe worthy of a separate thread, directly on THAT? | |
|
| |
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/9/2007 2:36:36 PM |
I just don't understand why intelligent men without a geographic hurdle would allow themselves to be strung along for weeks and weeks.
Makes no sense to me. Quit cawing about it and move on.
I don't get strung along ....I refuse to get into any kind of lengthy and boring mailing thing .
I think the point is that if women are not here to meet anyone in person for whatever reason , they should not be here or they should click on talk/email ...it's as simple as that.
How many women are on this site?
I think the real question might be .....how many legitimate women are on this site?
Because ...from this thread it appears that there are many women who are just a waste of a guy's time.
Online dating would be so much more rewarding if we could find a way to bridge the gap between the women that are seriously concerned about safety and the men that understand this but really don't want their time wasted by the game players.
I agree ....but I do think there are many who like to keep the safety thing just as an excuse for their own insecurities.
Let's face it , it does take some guts to get out there and meet someone in real life , and unfortunately there seems to be many women who prefer to remain behind their computers in virtual world.
| |
|
| |
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:51:08 PM | missouri-gypsy
Yes I read your post....
You should always be safe .....we're talking about women who use "being safe" as part of a game .
I think you should call the guy and block your caller i.d. ...don't initially give out your number to him .
You call and get to know him a bit and only trust your instincts as to what sort of information you give out and when .
If it goes well ...meet in a very public place and talk in person.
This saves the boring , endless e-mail scenario ...that really isn't any more safe.
Your case was a wacky case ....extremely unusual . | |
|
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 9:21:33 AM | | I have no problem about getting into a lengthy mailing thing as long as the woman and I have common interests and compatible intellects and thus we can discuss/converse rather chit-chat. Problem is not many women in here like economics, business/management, politics, public policy, etc. Most in the UK and USA list "going out", "reading', "music", "cinema", "socialising", or at best Psychology in their interests. Did a interest keyword based search for the UK and USA last night and the results were "sad". They do not have them or they do not list them? Dat iz de cuestion! | |
|
| Women needing to be safe online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 9:48:52 AM | Problem is not many women in here like economics, business/management, politics, public policy, etc. Most in the UK and USA list "going out", "reading', "music", "cinema", "socialising", or at best Psychology in their interests.
Nick--The words you are using convey some repressed frustrations pertaining to your search for a woman with compatible intellect. I want you to know that you are safe to express your feelings and it's safe to talk about them. In order to really get in touch with these feelings we need to regress back to your childhood Tell us, Nick--how do you feel about your experiences with females when you were a teenager?
 
Jeez--Thank God this is the internet because I don't know how safe I would feel saying that to a guy in real life! Besides, we all know that it's Emotional IQ that really matters... | |
|
| Women needing to be safe online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 9:57:31 AM | Did the fellow poster get this repressed need to say that to a guy out of her system? Good! Glad to be of online assistance.
Thank God this is the internet because I don't know how safe I would feel saying that to a guy in real life!
Pretty safe. This guy's comment would have been the same as above (without the "online" in it)
 | |
|
| Women needing to be safe online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 10:21:14 AM | Phew! See you are in tune enough with your feelings and the collective unconscious to use your intuition and recognize that I was just yoinking your toga.
Now please...stop psychoanalyzing me or I will start feeling unsafe and skittish! 
PS: Sometimes females like the touchy feely softer sciences because guess what? We are W-O-M-E-N! (And I'm not implying that men don't.) Also, econonomics IS human behaviour, therefore a social science. | |
|
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:26:31 AM |
meet in a very public place and talk in person.
I have a question about that. Say you meet at a coffee shop... broad daylight... very casual... have a cup of coffee... and now it's time to go. He, being the gentleman that he's portraying himself to be, leaves at the same time and walks you to your car. Where he now has your make and model of your car... as well as your license plate.
How do you avoid that situation? Just because he seems like a nice guy, doesn't mean he is (many dead people would attest to that if they could)... and even if he really IS nice, you might not want him to have that information at the very first meeting.
I'm way serious about the question and would like an answer by 7pm please  | |
|
| Women needing to be safe online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:32:21 AM | Psychology a "touchy feely" subject? Not that sure!
Of course Economics is a social science.
Many women fellow students at MIT studied EE, Comp. Science, Operations Research, Math, Physics, Engineering of all kinds, etc. And who said that management and politics and public policy are not touchy-feely?
Which leads us back to the main topic: Women using "being safe"online as an excuse to play games
Is that limited to "touchy-feely" women (and men)?
---------------------------------------------------
Re post 202: How is that case study limited to a woman and not also applies to a man and a "nice woman". And why does it apply only to dating and not ALL public appearances with own car? Anybody can see a woman or a man and their car and note those data.
Take taxi? Actually take car, leave in garage, take taxi, meet, take taxi, switch taxi, switch again and then return to garage, pick car.
7 pm Greenwich? If so, deadline missed. Sorry!
PS. Ah yes, fix all solution: Get job with CSI.
| |
|
| |
| Women needing to be safe online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:48:58 AM | How is that case study
Ummm.... it wasn't a "case study"... it was a question regarding safely meeting people from online. It happens to be my particular question.... as I am meeting a MAN and you guys have got me all paranoid about the freakin safety! It doesn't apply to ALL public appearances because this is (again) a DATING forum talking about meeting safely!!
Maybe someone else could answer my question without picking it apart... thanks :-)
PS: get a life | |
|
| WTF is up with women using being safeonline as an excuse to play games?
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:49:01 AM | "I wish POF had a "willing / unwilling to relocate" option"
I think that the "must live in ...." and "within 75 miles" filters can have the equivalent result.
Maybe a POFers relocation program to assist relocation of a) LD couples and b) over-concerned with security daters?
"Maybe someone else could answer my question without picking it apart... thanks "
a) I proposed a specific solution
b) Picking something apart in problem solving is known as "analysis", followed by "synthesis" of a solution (back to watching the "Numb3rs" episode) | |
|
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 11:49:16 AM | justcueit ---- Meet in a coffee shop in a large book store at a mall - GO SHOPPING afterwards - you're meeting a girl friend. Park in a parking garage at the back of the mall. Take public transportation. Park your card not too far away - a mile or so at a safe place. Hail a cab - drop you off at the coffee shop.
Joe | |
|
| |
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 12:01:47 PM | That actually happened last friday nite where the woman followed me all the way home from shooting a few games of pool. i thought, Oh no; but so far so good. If you have a friend cueit, have her meet you there after about 45 minutes because you have other plans for the rest of the evening with her. Even you like the guy you can set something up with him over the weekend.
if no other friend is available then go with jd's idea. Sounds safer.
Good luck! | |
|
| Women needing to be save online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 12:09:54 PM | Thanks sly! and hi! I've met others without thinking like that, but reading this thread got me thinking... which is a good thing!! That other coffee shop wasn't such a great idea, even though it's closer! The g/f is a good idea too but I hate asking favours, especially during the work week. Thanks again sly.
OT: If anyone (male or female) feels they are getting the run around from someone not willing to meet, move on. As is evident in this thread, there are lots of people that ARE willing to meet. Being smart and meeting safe is just the next step. Anyone who has a problem with that I would seriously reconsider meeting.
'just' sayin.... | |
|
| Women needing to be safe online versus women with traditional values.
Posted: 7/12/2007 1:14:57 PM | I have a question about that. Say you meet at a coffee shop... broad daylight... very casual... have a cup of coffee... and now it's time to go. He, being the gentleman that he's portraying himself to be, leaves at the same time and walks you to your car. Where he now has your make and model of your car... as well as your license plate.
OMG ...justcueit , you are "cautious" ! ..... lol ....I won't say paranoid . (-;
When leaving you say you forgot something , then , you circle back to the coffee shop into the washroom and change into the disguise you had stashed there earlier ....out the back window to your awaiting getaway car .
| |
|
Home
login 
