| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/2/2007 9:37:46 PM | Saw it in half, throw knives at it, make the boring stuff disappear, then vanquish the demons in my profile.
---------------------------
---------------------------
You're kidding - right?
... For a number of reasons - I'm a BIG FAN of the BIG LENGHTLY profile.
You wrote a 'good one' in my opinion.
Ladies who have the where-with-all to "stay-with-it" ... GOT IT!! ... (86 favorites is a testament to that fact) ...
It has creativity - humor and a decent guy written thru and thru.
There are no demons.
Maybe sprinkle in a few of those icon 'things' to share an animated emotion here and there ... doing so will also add a little color to a completely TEXT black-and-white page ... consider adding a few more pictures ... and place a comma after each of your interests (it'll read easier)
...
...
... and finally ...
...
...
... Padres - and - Chargers? ...
... oh g-e-e-e-e-z !!
...
... Ladies Coast-to-Coast
...
...
...
... Love the Red Sox - and - Pats !
Just bustin' ya' a bit !  ... Sox / Fenway Park season ticket holder here!
Cheers ! ...
MM  | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/3/2007 3:44:01 AM | Cheers MM...
No its a humor thing with the dress maybe guys over the pond are just tooooo macho to be able to have that sort of laugh at them selves?? I dont know but women over here totally get the humor. I do get it a lot from people over the pond thinking I am a cross dresser but to be honest its usually only the guys in the forums who think this.
The I's..... just very confident but I appreciate it may come accross as conceited but I dont really care...not been a problem yet.
Thanks for the feedback, and every one talks about the pics but I dont really have that many images of myself that I like and thats the important thing that I am comfortable with my images.
KoG | |
|
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/3/2007 6:58:10 AM | I too would like your advice on my profile. Any advice would be appreciated. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello gr8ix ... Thanks for the note.
If you're looking to simply 'hang out' I think you've STARTED TO state your case well.
--------------------------------------------
-----> We already know you're 33, drop it. / Professional male, 33 years old.
-----> Great! - maybe share a little bit of what you enjoy doing when you have them. Share a story or two about fatherhood - (By the way - GREAT pics of you and them) / Single father of twins whom I have roughly 8 days a month.
-----> Aren't we all?, It may be true, but can it be said any better? ... also the I think the word JUST minimizes any phrase you add it to / Recently out of long term relationship and just looking for some fun.
-----> What's THIS mean? ... didn't you say you have your twins 8 days a month? ... if so, there's lots of time left to get out and meet people (22 or 23 days a month if I did my math correctly) Are you STARTING a family? (another one maybe?) Or starting a family LIFE? - It sounds a little confusing. / Mainly want to build a social network since moving to a new town and starting a family does not leave much time for a social life.
-----> Find some time? ... How 'bout words that convey a more positive assertive mind set? now I'm ready, willing and able, looking forward to etc ... / Now, I should be able to find some time to get out there and meet people.
-----> Share a funny story / I have a great sense of humor,
-----> Share a heart-warming story, give the reader an example / a good heart,
-----> if your charm is real it will 'jump out' at the reader ... WRITE as you SPEAK / charm,
-----> OK - you have a nice smile - throw up a few more pics, SHOW IT / a nice smile,
-----> Don't we all? Sit down and share a story or two or three and determine yourself to actually make the READER LAUGH! ... Validate your desire to make people laugh. / and a desire to make people laugh.
-----> I'm skittish about using the word *SO* ... it's too open-ennded. Be assertive (something like) Let's trade a few E-mails - have a few laughs - IM abit etc / So if you would like to know more then please drop me a line. :)
-----> THIS is an ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC saying/ line and I have HONESTLY used it many MANY times as a moderator / facilitator. It's 100% true!! - and - it's in your profile. I invite you to SAY IT LOUD a few times when you sit down and envision what you truly want your profile to say!
"Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't. Either way your right." - Henry Ford
Either way my friend ...
Have at it ...
Best of luck ..,
MM | |
|
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/3/2007 7:37:47 AM | Hi, MM. I'd love to see what improvements you could suggest for my profile!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Vee,
Let's take a peek here and see ...
-----> OH MY!! ... 4 lines into your bio you're already talking politics ... wouldn't you prefer to capture ones interest 1st? - and - leave the war and political dialogue until later on? STATE IT - but I'd suggest leaving it until other points and factors about YOU have been shared. (I shared my thoughts about 4 lines from the BOTTOM of mine)
-----> Also the things you shared BEFORE - and AFTER - the political statements ARE - in fact ... things about you. Tossing that in there where you did, disrupts the "getting-to-know-a-bit-about-VEE process. Otherwise - nice 1st paragraph. A little bit of this-and-that about you. // A little about me
-----> Very nice paragraph #2
What I’m looking for
-----> ALTHOUGH - I'd suggest creating a NEW paragraph at THIS point // Absolute requirements:
-----> Your absolute requirements are clear - and were (are) funny! (always a good thing)
-----> this is a nice group of sentences //There's not much in life that can't be made better
-----> but start a new paragraph HERE because you've switched your train-of-thought //I am big & beautiful,
-----> Congratulations! // I smoked for a long time but quit on 7/4/00 & never looked back.
-----> Ask yourself this Vee, do you think a gentleman perusing your bio is going to go to YouTube and check out the band? If so, I'd be a little surprised to be honest. // (check out their video "Ain't Nothing Wrong with That" on YouTube!).
I also enjoy KT Tunstall, Nickelback, Train among the newer artists. Love Chicago, Eagles, Stones and of course the Beatles in old school. I'm addicted to "Lost"
-----> You've got a lot of information here Vee. It's nice, but for what-ever-reason it seems to be lacking a little something. And I'm not sure WHAT. Maybe talk about your kids and/or family ... your job ... a few interests or hobbies ... maybe talk about LIFE ...
and when that is all said-and-done ...
and you've captured the readers attention - and interest
THEN - and - ONLY then ... talk politics!
Best of Luck ...
MM | |
|
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/3/2007 7:54:37 AM | Hello Star ... Thanks for the note. I'll share a though-or-two.
This is what you wrote me. -----> If you can help me with mine iw ould greatly appreciate it.I just pretty much stuck to the point.
And this is what you wote in your bio. -----> have long blonde hair,hazel eyes,stand 5ft 5 inches tall and weigh about 190.And I am sry if I am not skinny.and also I am sry I dont meet anyones critera.I am a nice person and if noone wants a nice person,than I guess I am in the wrong place.
STAR - not to be harsh, but I think you need - a fresh start - start over!
Approach the idea of posting a profile on POF optimistically! There's plenty of links and forum threads on how to structure one / and present yourself.
Make it fun to read ...
Write about yourself in a manner that people WANT to meet you ... it's pretty basic.
Drop me a note afterwards ... I'll be happy to comment at that point.
Give it a try - You can do it!
Best Wishes !
MM | |
|
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/3/2007 8:18:55 AM | Impact me, please! Resa
-----------------------------
Hi Resa, Thanks for the note.
I'm not-so-sure I can impact you Resa.
Every now-and-then you read a profile that you simply LIKE.
From a 'review it' standpoint - I LIKED your profile Resa.
From start-to-finish - in EACH of your paragraphs - you were (are) pretty clear with your thoughts concerning a wide variety of topics. (Nicely down)
IMPACT? ...
Maybe a gentle ---> share a bit about your consulting (without betraying any confidences of course)
---> 3 pictures - there's room for 8 - and THIS TIME - add a few with you smiling!
THAT's it! ... I thought you did a nice job.
Check with other reviewers ... maybe they'll find things wrong - I didn't
Kudu's !!
MM | |
|
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/3/2007 8:38:40 AM | How you doing magic thank you for your kindness in the post that you made and when ever you get a chance please take a look and please be totally honest i do appreciate your honesty
----------------
----------------
Hello Carlos ... Thanks for the note.
Your entire profile text is summed up in 2 or 3 sentences.
I doesn't have to read like a novel - but should AT LEAST be more in depth than this.
-----------------------------------------
I am a Chicano been in California all my life I have a very goopd sense of humor enjoy laughing out going out and meeting new people having a good time and enjoying life as much as possible
-----------------------------------------
-----> Tell a story in your profile of WHO you are ... WHAT are your hopes and dreams (share a little with the lady readers) ... WHEN (share a little history of your life) ... WHERE (you've lived / worked etc) ... WHY you're on POF etc.
Beyond that - there's thousands of profiles on POF that you can peruse and copy-an-idea-or-two from.
Go exploring ... gather your thoughts and then - tell the ladies YOUR story.
By the way - nice pic of you on 'the line' ... at least we know what you do.
Good Luck Carlos ...
MM | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:11:00 AM | me next!! me next!!! lol.
As much as I love lengthy profiles, applying them to my own seems like I'll lead into the realm of bragging as I was so abruptly told during a profile review roughly a month ago. Since then I made it short, concise and hopefully to the point. anyways, feel free for some constructive criticism!
----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
Dr Chaos,
Thanks for the note.
The 1st thing I'd comment on DOCTOR is change the presentation of your name ...
drchaos619 would read better as Dr Chaos 619! - or - *Dr-Chaos* 619! (or something similiar - your choice)
Make it STAND OUT. Make it distinct.
... Don't worry about those short-minded individuals who tell you that a profile has to be quick-and-easy. I disagree. (however, I respect that everybody's entitled to their own opinion)
As you know - there are POETS - and there are NOVELISTS ... each, - has a an individual 'style', and each, had a fan base of their own.
...
... To MY way of thinking - if an individual can't (or won't) READ a well laid out - and - well thought out profile for a few minutes, it's an attention issue. ... and if you can't garner her attention for a few minutes in the begininng - and she just fly's-on-over to the next one - do you think you'll be able to keep her attention down-the-road?
...
... THAT SAID - YOUR CHALLENGE is to create a profile that LOOKS GOOD. By that, I mean - when the page is finished, ask yourself - very simply - Does *this* ---> LOOK GOOD? ... is it laid out well? - Is it appealing to a readers eye? ... Have you divided up your paragraphs correctly? ... Have you learned - and used - the underline [u] [/u] - bold - italics features and sprinkled them in? ... Maybe use an animated emtion here-and-there.
If you've chosen to create a longer profile - useing those TOOLS ... is almost mandatory- because if you DON'T ... you're left with a HUGE page of simple TEXT (which can get tough-to-read REAL QUICK) ...
...
... and to continue ...
IF - you choose to go with the LONG bio ... your words have to read (within in the mind of the reader) in a manner as if you were almost TALKING TO HER ... (hence - the phrase - write-as-you-speak) ...
Here's a word or two of advice ... for ANY letter you EVER write ...
After you've written your words out - LITERALLY - read it out loud to yourself.
(I know it sounds a little childish - but it works)
Read it again
and again ...
and again
and read it enough times OUT LOUD to yourself, so that you as you READ IT you are actually speaking it.
...
... OK ... now read your bio OUT LOUD that you've asked me to comment on ...
You've got '4' paragraphs - and in those '4' paragraphs you use the word *I* - 19 times!
Ask yourself - is this how I would be talking to this lady? ... wouild she enjoy hearing me say *I* 19 times in 3 minutes?
I don't think so ...
Early on - you said longer bios seem to come across as bragging.
Not so ... it's all in the presentation - the verbiage - and the effective use of the tools POF has given for us to use.
Easy enough ...
You're a sharp guy!
You have a TON of different things in your 'info-area' that might be appealing to the right lady.
You added humor - which is essential.
Pictures are OK ... use the 2nd one, where you're smiling ...
Tell all the readers - the story of DR CHAOS.
Use everything you have in there thus far - but work on the presentation.
Good Luck ...
MM | |
|
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/4/2007 8:24:18 AM | Hello Misty ... Thanks for the note ... Here's what you wrote.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would love to get a little or a lot of feed back on my profile. Any help you may give would be greatly apperciated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Misty-Eyes ...
BEAUTIFUL profile - well thought out!
Outstanding conveyance of what you want the reader to know about you.
I'm a 'stickler' on presentation though ...
You used the word *I* 31 times ...
Let's take a look - OK?
---------------------------
Paragraph '1'
I am a single mom of three so I have little free time. Though they are getting older now so I am finding more and more time to get out. I was talked into joining this site by my father so here I am giving it a try..
-----> Wha' da' ya' think of this?
-----> I Love my father! - He's a great guy. The kids are a little older now, there's a little free time available - so he's been on a lovingly CONVINCE MISTY rampage (lol) to see his daughter 'get-out' more! ... Thanks Dad ! ... Hello world !
-----> See what I mean? - same exact thoughts - from '5' *I*'s to '1"
Paragraph '2'
I like to do many thing from cuddling on the couch to rough housing with the kids.. I like to camp, fish ( I can even bait my own hook) long walks. I love the beach though I do not get to go often, I am not afraid of hard work or getting a little or a lot muddy. My daughter tells me all the time I am a tom boy..
-----> let's do another - OK ?
-----> A "Day in the life of Misty"? ... well - OK ... as a 'tom-boy' at heart it has to include of few (but not always all) of the following ... GOTTA - (and enjoy) a little time rough-housing-with the-kids ... (my idea of execise) (lol) , which might tire-me-out a bit ... so, long walks are cool - stopping along the way to grab a 'few FRESH worms' (self sufficient bait-hooker here guys!) ... THIS lady will go go camping with ya' ... FISH with ya' ... (remember those worms?) and would 'love' to see-the-beach more often than it's been seen lately.
-----> See what I mean Misty? ... It's not-so-much that I'm suggesting WHAT to say (your call for sure!) ... It's a suggestion on how to present it! ...
-----> We went from '7' *I*'s ... to '0'
I'm not gonna re-write your whole bio - but do you see what I mean?
Try eliminating the *I*'s (as many as you can) on your remaining 3 or 4 paragraphs !
You have GREAT info here - and you come across as a wonderful lady to know.
Get creative !! ... Knock their socks off!
Nice pictures ! ... you're a cutie! ... the 'tree-pic' is the best ... Keep it #1 ....
and your next-to-last closing line (this one below) is worthy of everyone's attention !
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU OPEN A BOOK YOU FIND SOMETHING REALLY GREAT INSIDE.
...
Thank you for making me smile and for so many laughs...
-----> the 'above' is your last line - Who are you 'THANKING' ? (they just read your profile - didn't they? - maybe 'Thank' them for reading it I guess might be appropriate)
Good Luck Misty ...
Re-word what you've started - out here in the world of FISH - you're a CATCH !!
MM | |
|
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/4/2007 9:11:37 AM | Hello Liam ... 'Thanks for the note ... here is what you wrote.
------------------------------------------
Pop this one in and "destroy my Airfortress" perhapse
------------------------------------------
Ok ... my 1st impression was the RED VINYL !
My 2nd was to wonder whether or not that's a Beatles RED LP on Capitol? ... but I'm getting off-topic. Avid LP collector here ...
ANYWAYS ...
Liam ... Consider chopping your paragraphs up into smaller sentences.
They're a little long.
... Also - may I suggest that you work on your punctuation a little bit. There are ladies out here that will TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD about being a scholar. Pay a little bit more attention to those sorts of things.
You're older-and-wiser now (as stated) You can do both! (lol)
Let's take a look at your paragraphs ... OK?
Paragraph #1
I was, am, and will always be a Gentleman and a scholar. In the past this meant me putting academics first before women but now as I grow older and wiser I realize that Intelligence is not everything nor is learning and thus I like every other man need to embrace my heart regardless how foreign its illogical workings may be for someone in the computer science field who is used to working with very logical constraints.
-----> WHEW!! ... make it a few sentences. Focus on punctuation. Also - it seems to have a lot of BIG $100.00 words in there. Is this the 1st impression you want to leave with the ladies? ... that they have to digest BIG WORDS right-off-the-bat? ... I'd suggest sharing your 'older-and-wiser new-found-thoughts' in - everyday, normal $0.50 cent words.
Paragraph #2
I would love to find someone on the same page as me in life for dating but regardless of what happens I am ALWAYS open to more friends as friends are something a person can never have too many of. My three passions in life are Computer Programming (my future career), Music and playing a musical Instrument (Piano), and Cooking In no particular order. Who knows maybe we can share one of those passions or maybe just share something else?
-----> Make the sentences shorter - again - punctuation. Share a little bit more on those '3' interests. ELABORATE ! ... create some interest. (as an example - what's the Liam 'special' off the stove?)
paragraph #3
Smart Funny Women who can laugh at my off beat sense of humour and find the humour in random little things that most people might not even laugh at are the best kind of women in my honest opinion. I also wouldn’t mind finding a woman who would give me a reason to use more of the gadgets and gizmos in my kitchen as I always love preparing fine meals even just for my friends. I’m pretty open to giving anyone a chance and if it isn’t working between us as dating then I suppose friendship is the order of the day but I find if you don’t give someone a chance then you never know what might have been.
-----> SMART FUNNY WOMEN ?? (kinda risky statement there my friend) ... (although it is sort of "matter-of-fact" which is kinda cool in-it's-own-way)
Chop the sentences ... punctuation.
-----> WOULD'NT MIND FINDING ??? ... h''m'm'm ... can you do any better than that phrase? ... how 'bout - I'd honestly and truly would like to find ...
First Date
A first date is going to be something in an environment where I can find out more about you and chat with you and could be anything from Coffee in a nice Coffee shop, to some kind of fun activity like Mini golf, the beach in summer, or a Hike. As long as it doesn't involve me getting on a Bicycle or skates I'm fine with it mainly because I'd make a complete fool of myself if it involved either of those things (I am really bad at both)
-----> Liam ... you haven't included considering HER thoughts or wishes in that 1st date scenario.
It seems to be 'all-about-you' ... Maybe you ought to think about re-wording it so that it reads as if you'd like for BOTH OF YOU to have a good time.
Just a thought or two shared along-the-way ...
Good Luck out here Liam ...
Hang on to that red vinyl ... It's a collectors piece.
MM | |
|
| |
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/4/2007 9:32:40 AM | Hello KoG ... Thanks for the note back.
Cheers MM...
The I's..... just very confident but I appreciate it may come accross as conceited but I dont really care...not been a problem yet.
-----> My apoligy if you believe that conceit was implied. It certainly wasn't.
-----> The remarks and observations made about the overuse of the word *I* are shared in an attempt to enlighten others that by eliminating the word *I* - anyone can talk about themselves - without focusing attention on THEM in a negative 'conceited' (if you will) manner.
-----> You can damn near talk-about-yourself ALL DAY LONG - and as long as you don't use the word *I* ... people will typically continue to listen - or in this case, - READ.
-----> It's one of those "LANGUAGE presentation LAWS" that when practiced a bit, will produce amazing results!
Give it a whirl ...
See for yourself ...
Thanks for the feedback,
-----> You're Welcome - and 'Thanks' for yours ...
MM | |
|
| Is your profile thought out and well written? I'll review yours - and give it the MAGIC TOUCH
Posted: 7/4/2007 11:06:53 AM | Magic Man:
Thanks for the advice. I've avoided learning how to use those sissy little emoticon things, but you are probably right that a using a few is advisable.
Sox and Pats? A very good combo (for an ill-advised choice). The Pads are one bat away from the World Series, and the Chargers are actually the Patriots West, as our general manager and philosophy came from your outfit.
Thanks for your sage advice, and please use your magic to make David Blaine disappear--that guy is annoying! | |
|
| |
Home
login 
