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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/16/2007 8:20:56 PM | | Something else, my daughter is a week old today and I will put her first. Whether I was with her mother or not. Just the way it is. For ten months I went through hell because my ex decided that since I was dating agian that she wanted me out of her and the babies life. I put the fight for my daughter before my relationship. It's just a parents instinct. Don't take it personal agianst you when kids come before you. But also know that parents will always put their kids first. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/16/2007 9:40:05 PM |
If she's at school and has a runny nose, should I leave my job and rush there to wipe it? If she wants to play checkers, should I forget about the pork chops on the stove and allow them to burn? Think I'm exaggerating?
Yes, I do think you're exaggerating, and being a bit ridiculous in your defense of a purely semantic issue.
To use your examples...
If I even knew my daughter had a runny nose at school, there'd be a problem with the school calling me for such a minor detail, and I'd change schools as quickly as I could. I consider that good parenting, to know that the other people who care for my child are capable of doing what is necessary while she's in their care.
If my daughter wanted to play checkers while I was cooking dinner, I'd turn the burner off, or down to a low simmer, and spend the 15 minutes to play the game. I'm a pretty rigid parent, but any time you can make with your children cannot be replaced, and pork chops are cheap. Those are the moments you cherish and hold onto, not "what we had for dinner on 9-15-07" To quote Dolly Parton/Aerosmith, I don't want to miss a thing...
Show me an example anywhere in this thread where any of the people boasting from their "children always come first" pedestal have drawn the line.
I may not be able to provide an example, but again, I believe your argument is based in semantics...some people say "always comes first" while others prefer to use the term "first priority." Arguing vernacular is a sure-fire way to lose an argument, which is why yours is invalid. To-MAY-toh, To-MAH-Toh, so to speak.
Understand why some of us are getting sick of this martyr syndrome?
Us? You speaking for a group now? Would they choose to identify you as their mouthpiece? I'm willing to bet on "No" for that one.
As far as "martyr" goes, that one word is the reason I even responded to this post in the first place. Speaking only for myself, I resent the use of that word, as if I somehow represent myself as better than someone else because I choose to put my daughter ahead of anyone else in my life, myself included at times. While I do consider myself a better parent than those who do not raise their children as their number one priority, only time will tell if I'm correct in that judgment.
I guess none of it will mean much if my daughter gets shot by their kid from the Stanford University clock tower with a sniper rifle...
I've read damn near every post in this thread, and I have yet to see any one of them where someone was looking for sympathy for their "plight," only empathy from like-minded people. Of course, with every point comes a counter-point, and you are entitled to your opinion. I would like to see where this "martyrdom" is presenting itself though, as I must have missed it along the way. Perhaps you can provide me with an example or two? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/16/2007 10:42:34 PM | | OK i'm sort of on the other side of this because i'm dating an amazing guy who puts my child first, not me. SO i know how you feel.. but i also understand how the guys your talking about feel. FOR one.. their children are that.. theirs.. forever.. and no one is going to jeperdize a part of themselves for a relationship. And they are, more than likely looking for someone who wants to be a part of their childs life a well being. When children are in the picture hun.. you take a second seat. Its not because its the fun thing to do, or because its gonna make you look better.. but because its the right and only thing you can do. the whole you sleeping on the couch thing is a little rediculous. I suggest with this relationship you ask the father to sit down with his child and explain to them that you two are together, and like eachother (or love whatever the case) and spend time together.. just like he and "mommy" used to do. HE needs to be the man and ball up to his child. YES the child is going to have TONS of questions.. but hes the father.. he should have the answers. | |
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Tigi73
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Joined: 8/28/2007
Msg: 354 | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/10/2007 8:25:46 PM | | the love for a child is different kind of love then for his women.......not any more or less just different kind of love....so in some cases the answer is never....you should both be first if he loves you | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/10/2007 9:46:15 PM |
"My kids always come first", what does that mean? When a couple marries they are supposed to come first with one another, be a team, both looking out for the children together. A second spouse or a SO is supposed to settle for less and welcome that? A second wife/husband is supposed to say, "I'll help you put a roof over their head, food on the table and then...oh yes, come in last on everything, please?" When you tell someone "My kids always come first," you might as well say, "Don't count on being loved, respected or valued as much as you should be."
I agree with nameismarcus, the marriage- your spouse should come first, then your children. Now again, I'm not saying neglect your children. If you've ever watched the show, "Shalom in The Home with Rabbi Shmuley" he's one of many who'll confirm this. Shmuley says, "The first commandment of every marriage is put the marriage before the children. When children see a living example of love, then even as they leave the home, they take it with them."
Roland Warren, who's the President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, says it too...."the relationships has to come first, it's just the reality of it. There's a perception I'm hearing here that somehow you can wait (to work on your marriage or relationship). Strong marriages are like strong muscles. If you don't exercise them, they atrophy. " Roland also says instead of looking at children as the building blocks of marriage, couples should focus on the primary relationship that provides children security—the marriage. "When a husband and wife work well together, they create this kind of basket, which provides security for children," Roland says. "That's the primary relationship. And I think if you can balance yourself from the perspective of putting that relationship first, building on that, that's the foundation that gives your kids security that they need."
And it's also true about what are your going to do when the kids "leave the nest"? If you think you can put your marriage/relationship on the back burner until the kids are gone, think again! Your grown children will more than likely come back home. You've invested all of your time, all of your emotion, all of your focus, all of your intimacy, into your children. That's not very healthy. The reason these kids are coming back is because you've built the construct that your relationship with your husband/wife is not the primary relationship. Do you really want that?
Unfortunately most people don't see it this way and that's why there are so many single parents. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/10/2007 10:41:42 PM |
I would like to see where this "martyrdom" is presenting itself though, as I must have missed it along the way. Perhaps you can provide me with an example or two?
I'll give it a shot.
if you cant handle being #2 then find men who arent fathers
I myself wont date a man who has never had kids, as they cant relate, and maybe thats what your issue is, if you dont have a child you dont know what its about.
But in my overall life..any woman will come a close 2nd at best.
The semantics are important because people are making them so. They are vehemently declaring that children are first no matter what. That's simply not the case. A well rounded individual does not make such statements because they know better. I don't have to state to people my daughter comes first... when she needs me, I will do what I have to do. Either people can handle it or they can't. But to upfront tell them that they will never be anything but second best in my life? Who the hell wants a relationship with someone who tells them that? People are sabotaging relationships by making such statements and not using their common sense. That's where the martyrdom comes into play. It's easy enough to figure out the people who can handle your role as a parent without such standoffish behaviour. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:14:02 PM | | im a single parent i was married twice to 2 women who had affairs in both cases i got custody of al my children 2 of which i adopted and the third was a natural i had with the second wife ,, both wives had many affairs and i stuck with the marraiges for the sake of the childrn until i made the break with their mothers ,, neither of the mothers were in any way matenal ,, they just wanted childen to be part of the in thing at that time ,, i always got the kids ready for school , did the school sports days alone! took them out playing etc ,,, trips away , always went out played the street games with them ,, what did the mothers do !! stay in and watch stupid fantasy soaps!! and head of to work etc ,, they did as litle as possibe with the children! even now my sons 10 and his mother does the least she can with him , and gets him his meals does the washings when she can be bothered, has little patience , he wont go away with her cause all she wants to do is go shopping for clothes , when he stays with her all she does is her thing m ie watch neighbours and stupid tv soaps ! the child is so lonely! i work away she gets a large amount of money per month , that i VOLUNTARY give her as maintenance for the son , but i know for a fact , she spends veyr little on the son , but the courts say they cannot enforce where the moneys spent! , i suggested getting receipts fr school meals , clothes shoes ,food etc , but its like thye dont care , so im at this time campaigning to get he law changed for dads like me , i even adopted the 2 first children as both mothers were marrried before they married me!! they are just lazy users ,, so CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST IN MY ESTIMATION AND IF THE TIME COMES FOR ME TO GET ANOTHER ADULT FEMALE FOR COMPANY THEY WILL ALWAYS COME SECOND TO THE CHILDREN ,TOO MANY WOMEN THINK THEY CAN CONTROL WHAT A FAMILY DOES , IF THEY CANNOT ACCEPT THE CHILDREN THEN THEY THE WOMEN ARE THE SELFISH ONES, MOST PEOPLE HERE ARE RIGHT IF U MEET A GUY AND HES GO KIDS AND U WANT ALL THE GLORY BUT FEEL SECOND BEST TO THE KIDS ,, GO ELSE WHERE AND FIND A SINGLE MAN WITH NO KIDS!! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2007 10:38:43 PM | Its hard dating as a single parent because, in the beginning, the kids come first and there really easy a strong imbalance.
However, I am with those that believe that kids do not come first over a spouse or seriously committed relationship -- definitely not a spouse. I remember when that woman in NY wrote the article on how she loved her husband more than her kids. She said that if she had to choose she would choose her husband. She was drawn and quartered. It was ridiculous. Her kids were a heckuva a lot luckier than any of the kids of people who criticized her. I think my parents for the great example of love for one another that they showed me. What about putting your spouse first FOR your kids sake? Historically, spouses were supposed to love each other first and through that support their children.
But I keep that in perspective. The post above talks about first in control of the relationship or family. I should hope the adults are working that out together and you have a new partner who doesn't have interests that conflict with those of your children. Being controlling is problematic any time. But a partner in your life can and should come first in your heart if it is a healthy relationship.
This putting the children first crap no matter what is a very new thing, post 60's anyway. What the heck does it mean? Of course you get them up and prep them and send them off to school, or do what is necessary on a day to day basis. But, given that they are certainly in no position to be in control of the home what does being first mean? Give an example, where in a healthy relationship between a reasonable man and woman that the parent should properly put the kids over the needs of their spouse. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/22/2007 8:23:11 AM | DONTMAKECOOKIES-- That's the point I was trying to make all along.. though my parents weren't the greatest, I saw the love they shared for one another and knew without a doubt that they loved me.. through all of our "trials and tribulations" as a family, I never had a doubt.
My parents loved one another so deeply and with that, they loved me together and going through childhood, I knew there was nothing I (or anyone else) could say that would split them apart or cause doubts in one another's mind.
The guy before you who left a comment has control issues, clearly. | |
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.Lisa
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Joined: 8/25/2007
Msg: 362 | |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/22/2007 11:28:44 AM | Hunny, sorry to burst your princess bubble but you want to be first and feel the need to compete for your mans attention against a child...then go for a single guy not dads. A child should always be FIRST and nothing you say or do will ever change that and if you could shame on you and the guy and he's a bad parent.
Either suck it up and take it, or leave and find a single dude with no kids. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/22/2007 12:47:57 PM | Jealous are you? I'd tell you to hit the road. If you cant handle the fact that a man loves his child, wants to be with his child and makes his child #1 then you are out in space somewhere. Cut the crap, any man thats any kind of man will always make his child #1
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/22/2007 1:12:35 PM | Sorry Beka, I didn't see you were the OP and had already expressed how you felt you weren't "first"
Beka, if he put his wife on the couch so his child wouldn't see you sleeping together he's a moron. Its unlikely you'll find many more who take it to that extreme. He needed to have it explained to him how ludicrous it was for him to be teaching his child that a man and his wife don't sleep together.
I think a lot of people are taking exception to your describing it as "competition." Certainly the above, isn't competition, its a complete lack of understanding of what you should be teaching your kids about a married relationship. The same is likely true for the anniversary. My children would learn that there are special things I celebrate with others just as they would get a special celebration on their birthday.
The only exception I can see is if this increase in visitation was a temporary thing then I might say, "honey I'll only get to see my child this often for one year and then circumstance will change and I might have to go back to seeing him once a month. You need to wait and be patient with me during this time." (that's an exception for the anniversary celebration, not the absurd sofa sleeping)
Your feeling of being outside with this new guy might be heightened by this bizarre prior experience. Have you shared it with the new fella? Its natural at the beginning. But if it became a serious relationship he should start at least making you feel like you're a family and involved when you're all together. He should even probably let you and his children spend time alone together if he plans to marry you. In a good relationship eventually there aren't any concerns of "first". If I were you I would be quizzing the new guy on his thoughts about what happened to you before. He will know why you might be a little sensitive and you'll know if you should run now and never look back.
I think I might put it to single parents who feel the need to categorize the most important people in their lives first, second, etc. Which of your kids do you put first? It just shouldn't be an issue.
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/22/2007 2:51:53 PM | You are correct a child's needs do come first, but only if they're under 13. Once their over 13 than it's just maintenance.
I'm a single parent raising 2 wonderful teens. When I went through our divorce 6 years ago, they were younger and needed my attention and support. My whole life was placed on hold to build their security and comfort level. But kids bounce back if the emotional support from the parent they live with is there. Once they recognize that, then they'll be okay.
I believe that God comes first, then your spouse, then your children also. When you become a single parent, it changes and becomes God first, children second, work third, then relationships last. I'm sorry, but that's life when you have to worry about your children and the basic needs to survive.
Give him a chance to get his son taken cared of and he'll come around. If he doesn't then what he's doing is wrong by making you feel that he's son is always important. If that's the case, then he's not ready for any relationship. He'll do this to the other person beside you and so forth and so forth. We call those people players. They get what they want, then look for a way out. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/26/2007 4:09:59 AM | | OP, I know how you feel. I went out with a guy with kids and no you will never be first. The bottom line, you will never compare to the mother of his children no matter what. Not only will you be second forever, but you are expected to have sex with that person who bassically will never love you the way he loved the mother of his children. Is it worth it? I don't think so that only makes you feel cheap and used. The best thing to do is go out with single people with no kids. And yes I know the kids do come first but can single parents also try to understand how the other person feels?? And one more thing if you single parents feel that your so perfect then how come you are not still with the person you had your kids with?? I'm sure kids must feel great pain when there is a separation or a divorce. No one can replace a real mother and a real father. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/26/2007 9:21:54 AM | Ishtar38: I agree with you totally
What I do not understand are single parents who start threads asking why single peple with no children will not date them...then they when single people give answers they get bashed for giving valid reasons. Ys single parents deserve consideration but so do single people without kids and all that bashing is a turn off. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/26/2007 9:27:49 AM | Quote: "the love for a child is different kind of love then for his women.......not any more or less just different kind of love....so in some cases the answer is never....you should both be first if he loves you"
This is the best answer I have read so far. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/27/2007 7:13:54 AM | River:
See in this post the original post talks about an experience being married to a man who insisted she sleep on the couch when his daughter came to visit. Many post on how shallow she is fir not being willing to sleep on the couch and not with her husband.
Rather than read the circumstances many are saying she is shallow and how children always come first...read the thread before you comment!!!! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/27/2007 11:31:38 AM | If the man you are married to is a good father then he should always put his kids first and you should be aware of this if you hope to ever suceed as a good mother.I really feel for you because things changed and the kid shows up more i just pray it isent being used as a weapon to try and reck your newly married life from his ex.Anyways even tho the kid should come first in my view there are different realtionships here so its hard to put a comparision between yourself and a child like its some competition.
thank you and good night | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/27/2007 11:34:52 AM | If a woman ever made me sleep on the couch it's truly unlikely she would find me there in the morning. How ridulous!!!!!!!!
oh and way to go johne!!!!!!!!!sometimes I wonder if anyone really reads the original post anymore without beaking off. | |
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