| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:43:57 PM | | yes, my advice is this.. I would never date a man who didnt put his children first... reason...if he cant be arsed looking after his own flesh and blood then you can bet your bottom dollar.. he wont look after you. simple as that .. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:16:04 AM | I haven't read all 17 pages of this and likely someone has mentioned this already.
But, OP the first relationship you were in was unhealthy. There is a line between putting your kids first -- and putting your current partner in the back seat. His actions made it clear you were a temporary fixture. He could have put his kids first and introduced you into their lives as his new partner.
However, your skepticism towards your new interest might also be unhealthy. Granted, it's human and we all have our prejudices. Your experience with single men has prejudiced you against them to a degree. This is understood.
I think you owe it to yourself to discuss with this gentleman his intentions. Of course don't do this from day one -- do it at the point you believe it might be something that isn't temporary.
If he states that he doesn't want you to meet his children -- I would take this as a sign that he isn't vested into the relationship to the degree you are. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:52:59 AM | On one level you seem to raise some interesting and fair questions about when you and your ex were sleeping together and him not letting his son see you together as that sounds a touch too sensitive. However when you write,
'how the hell can a child come before you???'
Any arguement you then put forward tends to feel ill-thought through and, i'm sorry to say, selfish and immature. On many many levels that child will have gone through a thousand different emotions knowing its parents couldn't be together and he/she will have experienced significant upset and problems. You need to put them first too at times and this will allow you to find an even deeper relationship with your partner. You also need to tell him how you feel as posting your feelings here wont help you day to day. Ask that you agree time that's just for you two only and accept, as you will do one day you have children, that they need to come first and should - hope it goes better than it has. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/14/2007 12:26:53 AM | | Stop judging this girl, I'm sure all of you aren't perfect and have been prone to jealousy too at times. She's just open about it. It's usually the ones who are the most judgmental and preachy that have the most to hide. Think about all those preachers who've been caught in scandals doing the very things they preached against. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/14/2007 4:21:33 AM | | It's pretty simple really. The child did not ask to come into this world, his parents asked God for that help. I am a father in the same situation as your first relationship. I have a son and daughter and if Angelina Jolie, my son and my daughter are drowning in raging rapids, I am going for the kids. You can't take the love out of blood. Have a child and you will understand. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/14/2007 10:10:06 AM | i understand how you feel...i have a 21 month old boy with a man who has 3 other children (15,13,and 10) who he gets every other weekend. i know my bf (my sons father) favors those kids all the time... i understand that your children come first, now that i DO have a child..., but ALL of your children should come first.
anyway, I am jsut guessing that you have no children of your own. i used to feel the same way you do, but once you DO have a child, you wont let anyone or anything come between the two of you.
yes, children ALWAYS come before a signiciant other because your child will always be a part of you for the rest of your life. what more precious than knowing that? | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/14/2007 10:25:25 AM |
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
If he's any kind of man at all, no.
Here's where my biggest disagreement is (sorry guys, bare with me).... if you're suppost to be ONE with your mate, how the hell can a child come before you???
Children must come first for the very survival of the species. We wouldn't even be here today if our ancestors tossed their children down at the first sign of a tiger. In a nutshell, you can defend yourself, they can't, so they rely on mom and dad to survive and grow.
Or look at it this way...what if you and your man had a child together? Would you really want him to save you before your daughter or son? I hope not.
Love is not a competition. Take it where you find it. Immerse yourself in it and simply enjoy it for as long as it lasts. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/15/2007 6:12:43 AM | It is something that you and significant other need to address (you not wanting to be 2nd class to child).
My 1st wife felt that way. I saw daughter 7 wkd per yr, and some weekends. She WAS my everything, but I made sure ex- knew how I felt about HER as well.
A child is very important, AND men have a bad rap when it comes to being parents. SO, see it for what it is (you may have a child w/this person), so you can see how he will be with kids. Have fun, and be a kid again (maybe cry, and roll around the floor, to get his attention  | |
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/16/2007 10:15:14 AM |
So I was married to a man who had a child. When him and I were just dating, things were great.. he only saw his son once a month (due to differences with the child's mother) and I felt like there was no "competition".. but once we married, things changed. We started getting his son twice during the week and EVERY weekend. As a matter of fact, for our one year wedding anniversary I had a trip planned. We couldn't go because he didn't want to go a full weekend without seeing his son. But hey, that's not all! When his son would stay with us, I had to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to chance his son walking in the bedroom and seeing us laying in the same bed together. Ugh!
Anyway, that's not where the biggest issue is right now. My ex and I have been legally separated a year on the 12th of this month, so about 3 month ago I finally started dating someone. This guy is amazing.. genuine, sweet, has his shyt together. But he has a child... a child that he sees every other weeked (we live in NC and he drives to D.C.).... my biggest fear is that I'm going to come second again.. which he's already made clear would happen because your child is always 'suppost' to be #1..
Here's where my biggest disagreement is (sorry guys, bare with me).... if you're suppost to be ONE with your mate, how the hell can a child come before you??? Why do I have to stay home alone on weekends and holidays? .. and if we all go out together and do something, I'm made to feel like an outsider.. yet you have the nerve to come to me with your problems and issues so I can help you fix them? What the hell am I to you??? THAT's how I feel.
Advice please!!
i think you rbeing quiet selfish,
if you had children you would fully expect the man to accept them. further if you and he had kids would you be jelous or feel in compititon for his love with them??
the only advice i can give you is GROW UP innit | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/16/2007 10:24:04 AM | it sounds to me, its not the idea of children coming first that's the issue, its the lack of appreciation and respect of the two adults in the relationship.
I disagree that a wife should have to sleep on a couch.
I agree, that if the child is experiencing difficulties with the relationship, that the three of them NEED to communicate a way to ensure all needs are met.
Of course children will come first, they have to, who else will put them first?? Its the parents job. That's just silly to think otherwise.
But if a person is insecure with their role as a parent, then issues will come up and will end up in someone sleeping on the couch.
i think you can relax on the single dad putting you last idea. Trust me, there's plenty of jerks who don't care for their kids, but really, is that reallllly the type you want? If they can't commit to their sperm's frolicking's how do you expect them to commit to you?
This isn't about caring too much for kids, its about fear of/improper stigmatism of sex, fear of failure, insecurities.
That's how I interperet it anyways | |
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/17/2007 7:19:01 AM | Hi Beka,
Here is my two cents worth... i don't think you should consider yourself second. It sounds as if you are trying to compete for you man affection with his child. You should never put yourself in that situation. Remember a child will ALWAYS come first! If you have an understanding with your mate that at times he will be off with his child and spend some time with him/her that is healthy.
As far as your first relationship, he was crazy. And you should have held your ground. You were married. I think he was tryint to protect his child feelings, but he sonnser or later will have to come to terms with his child that he is no longer together with the mother... but i think there is more there than he wants to admit with his ex...
I think for now you should let your new man have his time with his kid, and then maybe if it starts to get serious, you can get to know the kid, not as his furture mother, but as an adult friend of his dad. You may find if you become more patient, you will not view yourself as second, but as an envolved person in that childs life as well.
Hope this helps. | |
|
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:37:26 AM | | Although your case is extreme, and you do make some valid points, children should come 1st and should never be made to feel like a third wheel with their own parent. You can't judge this new man's child/parent relationship with your ex's. That situation was not the norm. In doing so, you could ruin a potentially great relationship. There's alot to be said about a man who takes an active role in their children's lives. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:54:41 AM | Date men without kids!! Pretty easy to see that you want all the attention so go out and get it.
Most dads I know myself included have a deeper bond with thier kids than anyone else on the planet so if you can't enjoy a great father go for the son:) | |
|
Pucks
|
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 392 | |
| |
| |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:34:56 PM | | This is pathetic!!! A child is your flesh and blood, you made them and it is your responsiblity to halp them mold into an individual. This girl needs to not be selfish and get a man with no children. Karma Sweetheart...KARMA!!!! | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/24/2007 3:42:36 AM | Sweetie
There needs to be a date night/ Mommy and Daddy time. I have been where you are.
My Ex boyfriend of 41/2 years always put his children first. Which to a point is wrong, If Mommy and Daddy aren't ok, then neither will anything else. Sit down and express your feelings to your partner. And For God sakes follow your gut. What does it tell you? If it tells you things wont get better, than sweetie get the heck out while you can.
It got to the point the ex's oldest son called all the shots , to weather his Dad and I would see each other. If he didnt want his Dad to see me they stayed home all weekend, instead of staying at my house.
I finally broke it off.
I dont know about you, but will not let a brat of a kid dictate my life.
Good luck | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/24/2007 4:45:55 AM | Off Topic Posting removed. Direct posts at the topic and not other posters.
I would agree with some here that it is more beneficial to the flow of the thread to actually read the entire OP and at least some of the other posts before just replying to the thread title. How are you contributing to the thread if you are not sure what you are contributing to?
Thanks to those who remained on topic.
| |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/25/2007 9:45:17 AM | I've heard of so many issues like yours. I've seen the posts in the profiles where people are very clear about their children coming first, which is good. I've also seen bios where they are very clear about the limited amount of time they have for dating, relationships, etc. That to me, is a red flag. Keep moving. Most people who are dating and have children, need an outlet and they believe that finding a mate is the answer. It's not. They've got to understand that they have an obligation to their children if the truly love them and that there are some sacrafices that will have to be made. One of those sacrafices may need to be staying single until the children develop their own lives.
Why did the custody pattern suddenly change after the two of you married? Why did this guy want to hide the fact that two adults who are married do sleep in the same bed? Did he not explain the situation to his child? As for the new guy, well you need to understand that children do come first. You have only been dating this guy a few months. Maybe his children are not able to understand what the two of you may have together. Hence the reason you feel like an outsider. Get used to it if you're going to accept single parenting fathers in your life. Otherwise, say thanks but no thanks and wish them the best of luck. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/25/2007 11:39:26 AM |
I've heard of so many issues like yours. I've seen the posts in the profiles where people are very clear about their children coming first, which is good. I've also seen bios where they are very clear about the limited amount of time they have for dating, relationships, etc.
If dating is done right then you can include family activities in your dating and that would include the adults taking the kids to park, amusement parks, sports events and you can also have some couple time too.
BALANCE IS THE WORD.
That to me, is a red flag. Keep moving. Most people who are dating and have children, need an outlet and they believe that finding a mate is the answer. It's not. They've got to understand that they have an obligation to their children if the truly love them and that there are some sacrafices that will have to be made. One of those sacrafices may need to be staying single until the children develop their own lives.
I have dated a single mother and i have no kids. We are still friends. I took the youngest kids to the santa clause parade and they knew me as their mother friends and also their friends. Her youngest kids liked me.
I had a great time and i took her and the kids for dinner too.
I also meet her oldest kids and she thought i was COOL guy.
Once a relationship becomes serious then dating sometime includes family times which means the adults and kids going to park, amusement park,etc sometimes
With the right partner then the parent can be both a parent and girlfriend/boyfriend
If child never see an healthy adult relationship then they will base it on what they see on TV.
If you wait too long to find a partner then you might not find one.
The average man dies about 3 years before the average woman. | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:53:38 PM | Hell yes the child should always come first, what are you thinking???? I am a single mum and yep dam straight my kids always come first that's the way it should be. Until recently i have never dated a guy who had kids coz i be the first to admit that yes i am selfish and no way would i ever come second to a kid that wasn't mine. The guy i'm seeing now has teenage children, he lives interstate and when he visits me its just him and me and my child so that's fine with me. What kind of man would put a new gf before his own flesh and blood? I wouldn't have any respect for a guy that did that. Do i sound a bit contradictory? that's coz i am and i know it. The bottom line is - if you want to come first in a relationship - DO NOT DATE A GUY WITH HIS OWN KIDS- find a single guy with no children darls.  | |
|
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/10/2008 10:27:31 PM | bravo, it is yin and yang. You could have his undivided attention, but what qualities make for a parent like that? Would you rather have someone who neglected their children? You are so fortunate to have found a man who's responsible, loving and caring. These are qualities of someone who puts their children first.
The old...glass half full or empty. | |
|
Home
login 
