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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:16:25 AM | | i feel that, if a person is going to be with someone who has a child or children, the children should come first to them as well. children are what makes the world go around. i'd have to agree with pucks and say that maybe you should look for men without children, and i'd like to add that maybe you shouldnt have children of your own if you have such problems with selfishness | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/11/2008 12:12:12 PM | OP, By and far the child needs to come first. HOWEVER, there are many times when I think a serious BF/GF needs to come first as well. Some parents are VERY anal about not getting babysitters and what not, and countless dates get cancelled bc either their parents or their ex ended up not taking the child(ren) when asked. In situations like these the parent should be looking to put the health of his relationship ahead of his parenting and look for alternate arrangements. Many single parents don't. They simple cancel the date. I know people that won't talk on teh phone with a bf/gf when their kids are awake, not bc they don't want them hearing what they are saying but bc they dont' think it's fair to the kids to be on the phone. Sure, sitting on the horn for three hours at a time is probably not right. But to talk to someone for 10 or 15 minutes when they call is ok.
With that being said OP I think you are being very selfish and like nearly everyone here has said you need to move on to someone who doesn't have children. You seem a little high maintenance. I think the arrangement you had with your exhusband was extreme and the fact that you walked down the aisle should have been enough for him to say to his kid that you were going to sleep in his bed from now on and the child would just have to get accustomed to it. But obviously you have an issue with a man placing his child ahead of you all the time and you really can't change that about people. So try and steer clear of men with kids for a while. You are young still. Maturity will set in and maybe someday it'll change for you too. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:00:19 PM |
Have to agree with you John. As long as these single parents can get everything they can for their kids, who cares about anyone else or their feelings
Well, if you mean by that that a parent will always try to get what they can for their children, then yes. Excuse my elbow in your face, but honestly, we don't get a lot. To the OP, if you were a bloke I'd tell you to stop whingeing and get a pair of bollocks. There's a saying 'bros before hos', which is possibly a bit offensive, but nonetheless true. For meself, it's 'bairns before ****es'. A woman who isn't a **** (and I believe that's most women,) should understand that.
This is the OP first post
So I was married to a man who had a child. When him and I were just dating, things were great.. he only saw his son once a month (due to differences with the child's mother) and I felt like there was no "competition".. but once we married, things changed. We started getting his son twice during the week and EVERY weekend.
As a matter of fact, for our one year wedding anniversary I had a trip planned. We couldn't go because he didn't want to go a full weekend without seeing his son.
But hey, that's not all! When his son would stay with us, I had to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to chance his son walking in the bedroom and seeing us laying in the same bed together. Ugh!
So you are saying it is NORMAL for a step-mother to be NOT allowed to sleep in the same bed as her HUSBAND
Her husband showed NO respect to his his wife who is the OP.
She wanted to spend their FIRST wedding aniversary with him alone.
His son was 4 and could have stayed with his mother on that day.
I would suggest anyone who agrees that a step-parent should NOT be treated with respect from their wife or husband then they should NOT date or have a relationship till ALL your kids are grown up and on their own since you do NOT understand how to balance being a parant and a boyfriend or girlfriend.
A parent who can balance being a parent and also a girlfriend/boyfriend is what a potential partner wants. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/11/2008 6:08:23 PM | | Ok, so I am the single mother of three, and really my kids do come first. Having said that here's the deal people, if you are in a commited relationship with someone, then THEY should be JUST as important as anyone else. I say anyone else because um.. fellas, there is a point and time when you shouldn't be putting your mother before your spouse either. Your spouse should be treated like a king/queen and the children like little princesses/princes. In that order... when a man walks in the house he should kiss his wife, then the kids... you are sharing the rest of your life with that person, your kids will grow older and need to be shown how to form good strong relationships with their spouses not taht their spouse should come second. Now on the dating side of things, that's a bit different. I suppose you should handle that as you feel comfortable. Personally, I'm not going to introduce my children to anyone until at which time it's been made an exclusive type relationship and I can see it possibly going somewhere.... Keeps the kids from getting confused about the whole dating world. Once your married tho, why SHOULDN'T they see you sleeping with your spouse? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/12/2008 10:26:30 AM |
i'd like to add that maybe you shouldnt have children of your own if you have such problems with selfishness
That's a very unfair and mean-spirited statement. Most young people are selfish. I was a very selfish person before I got married and still somewhat selfish before we had our first child. Having children is a life-altering experience that causes us to change a lot about ourselves. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/13/2008 1:17:40 PM | | A.K.A. sweetgin....I agree totally with what youa re saying..and in the same situation myself...its hard to juggle and I get left on the sidelines alot and am wondering what to do about it....I have kids too so this confusses me alot...but I will work thru it | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/13/2008 1:28:23 PM | | thenewmetroman...very well said, I couldn't ahve siad it any better myself...and this is a hard balance to achieve...I am there and stuggling myself...I am finding myself to be coming in last even after the ex-wife...kinda puts a damper on the relationship as a whole... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/13/2008 4:49:41 PM | | WELL,,,,I AM A FATHER OF TWO AMAZING KIDS AND I DATED A WOMAN WHO DIDN'T HAVE CHILDREN,,,,,IT SOMETIMES FELT LIKE I HAD 3 KIDS,,,,BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE "I" COMING FIRST - KIDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY DIDN'T ASK TO BE HERE .......I GUESS THAT IS WHY I AM SINGLE BECAUSE MY FIRST AND FOREMOST JOB IS BEING A DAD. WHEN I DATE A WOMAN I EXPECT HER KIDS TO COME FIRST,,,POOR ME THEY SHOULD BE FIRST: MINE ARE! I WOULDN'T THINK VERY HIGHLY OF ANY WOMAN WHO PUTS ME AHEAD OF HER CHILDREN: TALK ABOUT THE ULTIMATE TURN OFF. I HAVE EXPERIENCED WOMEN WHO DO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T HAVE CHILDREN : SOME WERE SELFISH BUT MOST WERE NOT,,,,,DATE GUYS WITHOUT CHILDREN IS MY ADVICE....PAUL | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/14/2008 9:18:53 AM | WELL,,,,I AM A FATHER OF TWO AMAZING KIDS AND I DATED A WOMAN WHO DIDN'T HAVE CHILDREN,,,,,IT SOMETIMES FELT LIKE I HAD 3 KIDS,,,,BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE "I" COMING FIRST - KIDS ARE AWESOME AND THEY DIDN'T ASK TO BE HERE .......I GUESS THAT IS WHY I AM SINGLE BECAUSE MY FIRST AND FOREMOST JOB IS BEING A DAD. WHEN I DATE A WOMAN I EXPECT HER KIDS TO COME FIRST,,,POOR ME THEY SHOULD BE FIRST: MINE ARE! I WOULDN'T THINK VERY HIGHLY OF ANY WOMAN WHO PUTS ME AHEAD OF HER CHILDREN: TALK ABOUT THE ULTIMATE TURN OFF. I HAVE EXPERIENCED WOMEN WHO DO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T HAVE CHILDREN : SOME WERE SELFISH BUT MOST WERE NOT,,,,,DATE GUYS WITHOUT CHILDREN IS MY ADVICE....PAUL
The OP married a man with a son ...
He did NOT want his son to see his STEP-MOTHER in the same bed as his bad.
Also the OP wanted to spend their FIRST wedding alone on a day trip.... and her husband said NO and wanted to stay at home just in case he could see this son that weekend
He also CHEATED on the OP with the mother of his first child..
Does that mean if a man is a father the he is ALLOWED to cheat on his wife but NOT ok if the man is NOT a father .
For people who think the OP is wrong then they should NOT date or have a relationship till ALL their kids are grown and out of the house since they do NOT know how to balance being a parent and also a husband or wife | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/14/2008 2:53:47 PM | You should come second...third, fourth, fifth etc. if a guy has many children. If you are competing with his kids, not only will you lose, but you seriously need to examine what it is you are seeking from a relationship.
Once I learned my lesson about just how smart kids can be about having a boyfriend over once my son was asleep, he never had cause to believe I was in bed with a boyfriend again.
The only exception - and he wasn't a boyfriend at the time - was when my male roommate, his 3 cats, my son, my dog, my guinea pig, and I all shared an open concept apartment (we were broke as Hell at the time) in order to get on our feet.
Then my son slept on a futon less than 6 feet away and we shared a bed back to back beside him. What was I supposed to do? Put my kid in bed with the guy? How about with me?
We all had cabin fever to beat the band and the only competition was for someplace to be alone with a door on it. Therefore the bathroom was a highly prized area of the apartment. Even had to comptete with the cats and dog for that one.
My attitude eventually caused friction in my last relationship because if he decided to visit on a weekend when my son was not going to his father's place, there was no sex period. My kid played road hockey from morning till night and would burst in unexpectedly for snacks, to use the washroom etc. all day long. Tough luck. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/15/2008 11:05:29 AM | My opinion, she does need to understand that his child comes first. Point blank, but, he's obviously not wanting (for some odd reason) TO GIVE HER THE TIME/COMMINTMENT INVOLOVED WITH BEING A TRUE PARTNER TO SOMEONE. Hello?
I am the only one seeing the sickest double standard here?
As a woman of integrity, you should have the right to be able to have the time with your mate you want (it's called a relationship), without being mad to feel selfish, or demanding. You are worth it.
If a man professes to want you in his life. It should be really what he actually wants, as opposed to playing with your head/heart. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/15/2008 2:45:41 PM | i just seen what u wrote
Most men are like that and i dont understand it
personally my partner is first
because she puts my daughter before me and her
well thats the way its suppose to be
and not letting u sleep in the bed
that man has more problems than u will ever know
u were his wife
This is coming from a man that puts his daughter first
But if i find the right lady
she is first
with the understanding that she has the best interest of my family first
and i want my daughter to be the same way
sh*t he was worried about being in the bed with u
IN THIS WORLD TODAY
Its sad when a guy hides behind a child in a relationship
but it is hard for a male to get into one | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/15/2008 4:25:25 PM | | NO Is the short one to that i am fighting now to be a full time dad to my two kids, one of each both under 4 and the number of women who just want your time is wrong when kids are about they must come first mine will, and do. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/15/2008 5:27:30 PM | Its all about communication. You defintiely got the wrong end of the deal with your ex, come one now sleeping in the couch!!!!
However, as a single parent who I make it clear my son is my main focus. This means that he will come before a date. I expect him to be comsidered and included should a real committed relationship evolve. I would never dream of asking my future husband to sleep on the couch, I believe in setting disputes before bed.  Seriously if this guy is wonderful, talk with him honestly and explain your concerns, then make your choice. Its not fair to you him or his child if your not in for the family scene as well as for him.
Good luck and best wishes. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/17/2008 4:28:57 PM | | I have children, and I have the attitude, "If I dont take care of them, who will"? However, i also know that I am entitled to some happiness. I guess I see it both ways. I dated a guy, short term, who had a 16 year old daughter with a lot of issues. I kept my opinion to myself. We couldnt plan a date, till he knew what her plans were. Even on Friday morning, didnt know about Friday night. After a while, it became tedious, because I tell my children, they do not tell me. She maybe wanted to go skating, or hand out with friends. I was waiting on a "hang out with friends"??? After a while, i began to see the pattern of the dad badmouthing the mother and her boyfriend, and their children, his daughters step siblings. He called her mother a stupid W****, and would pit his daughter against them all, though she lived with those people. I decided I didnt like my life kept on hold, pending a 16 year olds whim. He got MAD when I told him it was over, after I hadnt seen him for a month. I told him, you have to participate in a relationship, in order for their to be a relationship. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 1/18/2008 6:58:32 AM | | It is fairly obvious that this guy wasn't ready to have a relationship in his mind. He probably liked the creature comforts that come with a relationship but to make that leap he wasn't ready. I'm not sure why he married you in the first place if he didn't have this all worked out, but stranger things have happened! The children should come first and foremost but some people interpret this to mean that they should never get a babysitter to go out on a date, or they should never ask a family or friend to watch the kids while you go out or have someone down. If that is the case they aren't the ones for you, unless there is some deep seeded emotional trauma that needs to be worked out in their heads. My kids come first. If someone calls me to do something and I have the kids I generally say no and ask to schedule it on my time away from them. I only have them 50% of the time! I don't think it's rude or selfish of me to ask that we not do it tonight but wait till my next day off, or one of them. Some people need a person in their life on a daily basis when they are dating. If you are one of these people then likely dating someone who has kids is the wrong thing for you because you are in a losing situation, or if the guy is willing to push his kids aside to be with you then you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who'd let his kids come in second. Single parents generally can only commit to a lesser physical relationship bc of their commintments, and many are good with this. It gives you time to do your own thing, have your own friends. They can make time to talk to you daily and send you emails or texts but you get to be independent still! Embrace it! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:17:02 PM | this is funny,, i cant believe,, you had the nerve to **** about this,,,sweety,, yes children come first. my son will always come first. you need to find somone without kids (please).........
cheryl | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:32:09 PM | | The OP is married and her now ex husband wanted her to sleep on the couch...how is that fair? They were married to each other. Why do some people not read what the first post in a thread is really about? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:32:10 PM | | Wow, I think you are the one with some issues. A child should always come before another woman. You can be replaced, their child can't. I really hope you never have children because with an attitude like that you will not be a good parent. | |
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