| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:48:50 PM | Wake up people... I agree. If you want things to work, you will work in that direction. Let's face it, there is a reason why they are divorced. Obviously, they could not make it work. Not everybody is like that. This is very similar to the battered woman syndrome... where a woman is looking at a few specific thing in a man and she keeps on picking the same kind of guy. It work the same for men. The kinds have nothing to do with the relationship, is the type of man that she picks all the time.
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:02:33 PM | | Hmm..What good is it to the kids in a family when the parents fight all the time.. over who comes 1st or last.? ...The bible states when you marry you become as one....Without 2 mature adults who work together as one....the family environment won't run very well....Why does anyone have to come 1st or last..Why can't they all work together as a unit..and love each other..?....I myself know that some parents use their kids for their own emotional needs....yet they want a partner in their life to have sex with and help pay the bills yet they place her/him on the back burner...NOW how is that fair? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:28:23 PM | | As single parent; yes my kids will always come first! I went out with a lady who thought that she should be a least on the same page as my kids. I was torn between my kids and her. Its tough being the outsider. I am not sure if you had kids if your lover would come first or your kids. When you love the person' you have to except him/her for whoever they are even if they have kids. Remember life does go by quickly' so make the best out it. Paul | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 432 | |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:17:31 PM | Beka .. you are 21 yrs. old... never the less if you were even a child you need to understand that children come first....
For God's sake you are not competting with his child you are supposed to be there to encourage the relationship not just between them but also as a step mom... you need to try your best to be there for that child... as if it was your own...
I hope that you never end up being divorced with kids.. Knowing that you'd put a man before your child.. is just  .
IM not judging you ... im just trying to let you see the other side of the coin..
Not everyone thinks and acts the same..
All the best to you. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:18:06 AM | | let me ask you? do you have children? if not you will never understand till you have one. the kid was there before you got in the picture! you should be happy he was being a real man. i dont see why you have to think just because he has a kid you are unimportnt, but kids are # 1 priority! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:28:46 AM |
let me ask you? do you have children? if not you will never understand till you have one. the kid was there before you got in the picture! you should be happy he was being a real man. i dont see why you have to think just because he has a kid you are unimportnt, but kids are # 1 priority!
So it is NORMAL for a wife who is the OP to be forced to sleep on the couch and not with her husband when his child is with him...
The OP has stated several time that she can NOT have child ....
Do people actually read what the OP says ??? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:05:04 AM | | No you will never come first!!!!! Children always always always come first. My suggestion to you is never date a man with children again. Makes me wonder what you would do if you had a child of your own. Would he or she know the sitter better then he or she knows you? So what if your romantic weekend was put off because of his child. You are very selfish. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:50:43 AM | Well as I can see most people that are posting are missing the point...
If you are married and make plans ...you need time with your husband just as much as the child does..........that isn't being selfish at all...The husband should make time for you and the child...not choose....one or the other...The conflict comes when a man/husband makes plans with his wife and always puts the child first which isn't fair to his spouse...What kind of relationship would that be if the child always came 1st..? I have 4 children...and a fiancee and I make time for them all...No one is 1st or 2nd or last...I love them all ..and do the best I can....to make everyone feel special....What good is it to the children when all the parents do is fight about whos 1st or last?....I have 4 kids would it be fair to show one attention and leave the other 3 out ? That is what the man is doing here..He wants a wife to be there for him sexually,mentally,etc yet he wants to throw her to the side when the child has needs...How is that fair ?...I'd say that this man needs to stay single since he don't know how to share himself...without causing conflict...and raise his child alone....One cannot run a healthy household...when everyone has a place of 1st ,2nd or last there will always be conflict....unless they can all work together and make each person feel special and make time for each and every one....I don't think that it makes anyone a bad parent if they plan to do something with there spouse/girlfriend,etc and get a sitter for the child........Adults need adult time...plain and simple..without it they will fall apart....That is my 2 cents... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/14/2008 6:24:00 PM | It really doesn't sound like you have made an attempt to bond with the child on a friendship level. If you interact with the child and gain their trust they will not treat you like an outsider which in turn will bring you closer to your mate. As a single man who happens to be a father (80% of the time anyway) I can relate to the man in your story.
While I would not blow off our anniversary I can understand his priorities.
1. The child existed before you.
2. History dictates that the relationship between you and him will fail, his bond with his child is absolute.
So get comfortable with second fiddle because if you do find a man that will blow off his kid's for you all the time then you will be right back on these forums complaining how you are stuck with a deadbeat that doesn't pay attention to his kids.
THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART MAY BE FOOD BUT THE WAY TO A SINGLE FATHER'S HEART IS THROUGH HIS CHILDREN!!!! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/15/2008 3:02:46 PM | | I'm going to say you need to date men who do not have children. Easy for me to say.....I'm not in your situation, but that would be the best solution for you in the future if this relationship doens't work out. And no,you will never come first--he's a dad first. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/15/2008 9:07:20 PM | Beka37184
You are a little bit immature to be dealing with this complex situation. Given that you've only been dating this guy for 3mths or so it's not too late to have a good chat with him about your past experience and your fears. You need to understand that you won't come before the children at this point and really its not about coming first or second.... it's about fitting into an existing family which is difficult. That said... The first guy and the couch thing.... WIERD! But this current guy...there's nothing wrong with spending time with your man and his child and being the dreaded outsider at this point. Your relationship is VERYyoung. This is a good time for observing the kind of father he is to his child. Have the talk with him. Don't be pushy and try to understand his love for his child is far more important than the like for a girl he recently started dating. Be patient. You can't expect to be ONE with your mate at 3mths or even 2 years! Chill... see how it goes and try to accept your natural feelings of jealousy and competition. It isn't easy to remember that it ISN'T a competition but if this doesn't work well for you. ...drop him and find someone who isn't a single parent. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/20/2008 2:27:42 PM | | I'M 45 WITH 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.SHE IS NUMBER ONE UNTIL A RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES INTO SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS,,AND THEN AS A FAMILY WE SHOULD ALL BE NUMBER ONE.KIDS NEED THAT ONE ON ONE BUT THAT SHOULD MEAN YOU ALSO.YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE ONE ON ONE INCLUDING HIS CHILD AND YOU,THATS HOW YOU AND THE CHILD DEVELOP YOUR RELATIONSHIP.BUT MOM AND DADS GOTTA HAVE IT TO OR IT WILL NEVER WORK. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:48:42 PM | | The relationship a man has with a woman and vice versa is not the same as a parent has with their child. I feel if men and women with children want a relationship, they should make time for that special person and not always talk about their kids when they are being intimate. That can be a real turnoff. There is a time and place for everything. I love my child more than anything else, but I would welcome a relationship if the person I dated understood that there are times when I need to be with my son. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/20/2008 5:55:20 PM | | Sorry to say this, but the child should come first. You came into their life after the child. AND, a child (should) need the security of their parent more than you need the security of being first. By him having you sleep on the couch when the child was there, I am sure he was just trying to prevent confusion on the child's part. And here's where I sound like a ****- I frankly find your need to compete with young children and your intolerance towards their needs pretty immature. You should probably stick to men who don't have children. In my opinion any man who has a child, and who is a good father, wouldn't tolerate that kind of attitude about their children. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:24:11 AM | anyone, and i do mean ANYONE, who puts some man or woman before their child doesnt deserve to have one. your kids should always come first and if they dont then why even bother trying to be in their lives? if you feel like youre in some kind of competition with your spouses child then that says a whole lot of not so good things about you. for one that just shows your selfish and all about yourself. and obviously dont have any respect for a man and his child thats not yours. rather its yours or not, you should still treat him/her just the same.
but yeah every case is different and you cant put every situation in the same category. as far as him makeing you sleep on the couch, well thats just absurd. youre his wife and the women he chose to be with meaning you are going to be in that childs life just as much as him because you are is step mother. so instead of trying to hide the fact that he has another woman in his life thats not his childs mother, he should have just explained it to his son and did what he could to make that situation comfortable for everyone. yes he was in the wrong for that. but you cant really blame a man for wanting to spend a lot of time with his child especially when he was only able to see him once a month prior to that. seriously, how would you feel if you was in his shoes?
if you find a man who puts you first before his child then you need to boot his sorry ass to the curb because its already telling you what kind of sorry ass he is. if a man cant respect his kids what makes you think he will respect you? yes youre suppose to be one with your mate but your child is your child. your flesh and blood. and thats something thats not easily torn apart. blood is thicker than water and thats just something you are going to have to get use too. you shouldnt have to stay home alone on holidays and weekends or feel like an outsider because you are part of the family and thats how you should be treated. but just dont get it twisted and ever think that youre going to be equal because your not. thats just the way it is and something that everyone has to learn to deal with.
i wouldnt even be friends with a woman who tries to put me or any man before their child. if they do their kids like that, how the hell you think they will treat mine. nothing wrong with dateing people with kids. its just that some people dont know how to balance the two and make it work for everyone. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:35:38 AM | | no its not normal for her to have to sleep on the couch. thats just him not knowing how to work out the situation with his son getting use to haveing a step mom. thats soemthing that should have been the center of conversation and worked out. but if she cant have kids then she should apreciate being with someone who already has one and instead of feeling like she is in competition with him, do what she can to treat him like his own child. hell maybe if she was more accepting to the situation and stop expecting to be put first then maybe they could have worked things out. but instead she wanted to be selfish and put his kid on the back burner. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 10:03:15 AM | Why the ranking?? 1st 2nd ??
Your not wolves!!!
You have your man most the time, u be no1 then and when he has them they be no 1. It doesnt mean he dosnt love u any the less it just means hes a brilliant dad and one day u may have kids with him and they may get the same respect and love from him, wouldnt that be how u want him to be if ever he left u and got with someone else??? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:24:48 PM | In response to the original post:
Yes children come first. Wether it be to a man who has a child already or your own. There are many couples who have children together that will tell you that time together often gets put to the side for the child. I believe this needs to have some limitations. If the time apart is so much so that you can't have a functioning relationship, something needs to change. I would not agree with the whole sleeping on the couch thing. That seems a bit much. I have canceled a few dates because my kids needed me for something. I made the choice to have children and excepted that. I don't regret it either. Remeber that women/men can come and go, your children are always there. While you can move on because you don't get the attention you want, a child can not. You won't have the emotional aftermath to deal with when the man doesn't pay atttention to you that a child will when parent ignores them.
That being said, you shouldn't be a third wheel either. I hav always involved the women in my life with my children when the relationship got to a certain point. My children and I excepted that person into our family and they should be a part of it too. | |
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