| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:06:23 PM | I'm shocked you even thought a child should come 2nd ughhh. Maybe in your life you thought you were 2nd in your parents eyes if so it was nt right! Its ok to want to feel #1 but thats not going to happen with a real father he may make you feel #1 when he can but never put you above his child remember that child is 1/2 of him so inturm that is like not putting himself 1st. Either date guys with no kids or work on your selfishness and learn to cherish the time you share with him and with the kid/s. hey the time he has to be busy with the child alone, thats your time to do things you enjoy for yourself. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:01:25 PM | | Woman get the hell over it and get a man that don't have a kid!!! If the father is a real father then his child will come before you in all aspects whether you like it or not, if I was a man that you were with I would throw you out the door!!!!!!! My child comes before anything and if I had the last bit of food in my house on my plate and she was hungry she would get it!!! Your selfish and need a man without a kid. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:43:06 PM | | I think it's rediculous to think a child should come second! What if your position was switched? Would you put a man before your kid? I mean yeah he was a little over obsessive about it (like sleeping on the couch) but fact is if you can't deal with a kid being first you shouldn't be in a relationship where kids are involved! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:39:15 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yeah, why let a little thing like a man making his wife sleep on the couch bother you? How self-absorbed and selfish of that woman to want to sleep in her own bedroom!!! 
give me a fuucking break!!!! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:13:21 AM | K, I'm a father who has full custody of his child[mother ditched to another country ], and this is how me and my current gf handle this....we both love and take care of my son as if she was his mother, sometimes there is no getting around the fact that the child takes first place but we work together on trying to find time to make us feel like we come first to each other. I know that you might have some trouble with not being the center but family's work together and not one person is more or less important, as it may feel at times. Also as the child gets older there will become more and more time and chances for both to make the other feel special and important to the other. With work and raising a young child it does get very hard on personal relationships, but that will pass and become easier with time and understanding, I suggest if you really care for your mate you will not care too much about coming in first place all the time and focus on family first. I know that might not feel like you are getting what you want but really what else is better than having a family that loves and cares for you more than anything else. When you do get the time to do things outside of taking care of a child and get time with your mate you should always take care not to push for that I need to be #1 and just try to appreciate that you have time alone with the other and maybe just maybe he will see that he might need to make you feel special for you do care to be with him and the fact that he has a child is just and added bonus to life with him.
I hope that this might help you and I do know how hard it is with feeling left out but maybe just jumping in and letting him know that you want to be a part of not only his life without the child that you also want to be part of his life with that child. My gf had to before I realized that I was not going to lose her because I have a young child but if I included her in more of our activities together she might feel more loved and more a part of my family and that she does come first and so does my son and I, just in different ways and not all at once. My son is now 20 months and my gf has been with us since he was 7 months, we have had many problems with this but we have stuck together and found many ways to make each other feel special and feel like the other comes first, it is just kinda trial and error and communication that helps us to be a better family and a better couple.
Just remember that coming in first is not always best for you and that you should feel happy just to be part of a family and realize that you might not come first today but tomorrow you might and tomorrow is another chance to feel special and to make your mate feel loved. Sorry if this does not help just though I would try since I am on the other end of what you had talked about, as I see it my gf and my son come before I it is not always her first or him first, just us together, family, 1 family we all come first sometimes we all come last sometimes but we are all still family and that is the greatest thing ever, just to be family! Really do hope that this will help you!
Enjoy your family,
{D}
p.s good luck:) | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:08:13 AM | I may be alone on this, but I personally think partners should put themselves towards each other JUST SLIGHTLY higher into number one position over their children, regardless of how and when and by whom the children were conceived. I don't mean to insinuate that the kids should be neglected, they should be a VERY CLOSE second and well taken care of to the full extent and meaning of that word. But ultimately the goal is for them to grow and leave the nest. If you take care of your relationship with your partner first and foremost you will build a life long relationship and that is every bit as important as the life of your children. When you put your partner second to your kids, you are almost dooming the relationship.
I know this is not easy to do if you already have kids. Then you are meeting new girls and the new girls want you to put them first over the kids. And I agree, while the relationship is new, the kids should always be first. But at some point that relationship becomes significant, the woman has to come first, kids just slightly second. And there should be no cause for alarm there. Putting the woman first will teach a valuable lesson to the children, it will also motivate the woman to love your children even more.
If you look at healthy couples that have stayed together with children, they do exactly what I just said. that is the healthy balance. Its definitely tougher when you are divorced and the new partner is....well....new...and the kids are uniquely yours. But ultimately, eventually...if you decide you have a keeper, then you gotta put her first over the kids...even if just slightly.
IMHO.
ps - and my advice is exactly the same for women in the same situation.
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:50:12 PM | | Firstly if I was dating a dad I would expect them to put their child first & would actually be put off by a dad who wasnt bothered about seeing his child .... & now as a single mum I point it out to any man trying to chat me up that my son will always come first then it is up to them early on what they want to do... believe me there is no love that compares to the love for your child. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/7/2008 11:25:49 PM | I didn't read all the replies but these are my thoughts.
You stated you understood the child will always come first, this is true period. That being said your ex did not appreciate you nor did he treat you properly. The anniversary thing, sorry he should of went without the kids for a weekend. There are times he will have to put you first temporarily to show his love for you. It is a very delicate balance.
It does however sound like you were the type of girlfriend that had hidden animosty towards his children. Don't think we don't see/feel that sort of thing. It pushes us away from you emotionally. That is why when you start dating someone with kids it is important that you realize you are taking on more than just a relationship.
I'm a father with a mother that has a good heart but ... Well, damn I can't explain it and have it sound nice and I don't say mean things about my ex's .. Basically she will take as much time to herself as possible yet she will stop me from being able to take more time than SHE NEEDS for a break. Yet, she sends her away to grandma's for the entire 4 day 4th of July weekend - man I was seriously pissed.
I will give her this much, I do need to prove myself as a good father. I wasn't the best father when we were together. Since I have been single - that girl drives me to do things I thought were impossible just a month ago. Hell, I'm back in college at 30 ! All because I know I need to create a stable income for my daughter because I'll be damned if my ex is going to do it - she was riding a rich man's coat tail's who went bankrupt  | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 2:09:02 AM | One of the many logical reasons that I would not want to settle with a single parent/mother is that I will never come in first or if not first, the same level as the kid.
Nothing wrong with that. A mother should be a mother and acts like that to the child. I would do the same if I was a single father.
That would be a passionate waste of time competing with someone's else offspring and you get all these free drama. I would not mind to date a single mom but once she proposes about moving in together ... I would run like a motherf*ck*r - no looking back. I have met 2 single moms and one of them was really compatible with me in terms of going out and eating good food but I was grateful I did not hang with her in the long haul
I am no sugardaddy and not willing to take someone's else responsibility
I will not get involved with a single mom for a long term relationship -- too many risks and it always end up being a lose-lose situation for both parties. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 2:36:45 AM | I haven't read all of the responses yet (but I will), but I wanted to add my 2 cents.
Kids and their well-being always need to come first. Not their every whim or desire, but their needs. Whether they are your biological children, or your step-children. When you become a parent, you can no longer but your wants and desires first; you have a greater responsibility.
However, sometimes, the best way to care for your children is to take care of yourself. For instance, when the oxygen masks in an airplane drop, you need to put yours on first before helping your child. This is to make sure your are able to help your child properly.
In a more personal example, I sometimes need to take a break from my time with my kids to just go out and have a good time. If I don't do this, the stresses of life add up, I get a shorter temper, and I'm not as good a father. With a little time to myself, I'm better able to let the little things go and take care of the kids. Sometimes, indulging myself is how to put my kids' needs first.
Now, as far as the original post, making your wife sleep on the couch is just stupid. I'm sure he shared a bed with the child's mother without worry that the child might walk in. There's no substantial difference in my opinion.
To answer the OP's question, I don't think any single father should put you before his kids, but he should find ways to make you feel special, included, and welcome. He should focus on your needs as well. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:17:26 PM | Are you frickin serious? That child is a PHYSICAL part of that man, flesh n blood. Of course the child is gonna come first. And absolutely should. If you can't deal with that, and think it should be any different, you must still be a child yourself. If you require that much constant attention, you obviously have co dependancy issues. Listen to yourself- seriously- you are jealous of a child. The person's flesh n blood. Kids are part of the deal, the "package" so to speak. To date a person with Children, that is status quo. You need to look up the word narcsicism. Wow- I can't beleieve I'm even reading this- that someone is that shallow and self absorbed. I think I just threw up un my mouth a little. You made the choice to be with someone who has a child, and then you freak because he pays attention to his child. Most would call that a good thing, in the day of deadbeat Dads, or parents period. You need to get a serious reality check. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:25:54 PM | | Aw hon that sucks...you know kids do come first but its separate from your married life. The children have to accept the fact that mom or dad has a new wife/husband and thats where you and your partner agree on certain things..come to an agreement but in no way should you have slept on any coach or cancelled your trip..good for u for telling him to hit the road......i would have too...secondly you are number one too aside from the kids we to have feelings and a child cannot run your life...they have to adjust to the new life the same as we do to have to take care of them....so it is up to the parent to make his partner feel important and that her opinion counts too...if they don't get rid of them...sorry but i would not put up with that shit...and besides your life together should be separate from the life of the child...then u have a life of a family and then your own personal life where u hve your own interests and hobbies...don't allow yourself to be the door mat for partner or kids...Your human too make them see that! Good Luck | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:35:27 PM | Just for the record i have kids and they too come first. But if i was in a relationship the man or the woman has to work around the rules already put in place in the home...you can't come in and change them on the kids or u will be black listed right away...becoming friends with the kids is a major role of the outside party.
but everyone who has posted back to you saying your crazy i dn't think u are being unrealistic here. You want to feel like u count too and i'm sure you should too but trying too hard only makes it look bad on u. Don't bother if your in love with the new man then try to be patient and see what happens...its hard to adjust and its very hard on the kids...but working on things together and not making fuss shows the kids your cool...and that is what they need to know and know your there for them as well.
Maybe the men your with are not being reasonable here because we all don't know the whole ins and outs of this story...but everyone will be ready to jump on u for this one because its a very sensitive topic.
My kids come first as well but they don't run my life....I'm the parent and as long as their needs are met and they know i love them they need to understand my new life and it might take a very long time before they do > It takes a lot of time and patience..they're little people without a lot of experience.
TLC is all they want...it isn't the kids fault how the parent deals with the issues. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:45:40 PM | Well, i guess i should have read on before i commented lol...your 21 years old...lol...you know nothing more than the child does...i dont say that in a rude way i'm just saying your just a kid yet....date men without kids...your too young for that now anyways. You have your whole life ahead of you dont get involved in already made families...you do not need it your too young and someday your going to have your own family that you made...don't take on someone elses problems lol....be more clever and wiser....kids cost alot and they are a lot of work and obviously your not in the frame of mind yet to understand that...like i said 21 your still a kid yourself.
go have fun girl....date men that have no kids and enjoy dating!!!
To everyone who has posted against this girl take note she's only 21 people give her a break...shes a kid herself....back off be nice and say something a little more positive because i think that is what she needs to hear. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:18:48 PM | | Beka you came off as an shock to me because im use to seeing women posting an thread about "kids come first" yes kids come first but there should/is an seperate time for the kids relationship with you/him and different time for youNhis relationship but, somebody laying in bed with you "yalls time alone" and you say "I Love You" and their response being "oh, i miss rian".....Thats strange there is an different kind of love between parents/children than "relationship love". | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:21:28 PM | | btw i'm 25 with an 2yr old son but i know having an child changes your life in more way than one after the child is born and there are so many things we must put on hold once our child is born, because no young child is going to understand why we can NOT do what they need us to do right then and there. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:29:28 PM | OK, having gone back and read more of the responses, I have to say that all of this worrying about who comes first and who comes second is rather silly to me.
Instead of saying "I come first" or "You come first" or "My kids come first", how about if we simply say "I will take good care of my kids, and I will treat you well also." Doesn't that make more sense? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:33:21 PM | I see jealousy in the OP, but I think that it's hard for any woman with or without kids to deal with the meshing of families.
I think that the love a person has for their SO is a totally different kind of love than they have for their children. If it isn't it damn well should be.
I have to admit that asking your bf (or gf) who they love more than anything ~especially if you just did something completely awesome for them~ and having them answer with their kids name is a pretty major kick in the teeth.
I don't want to be loved "more" than his kid...but I want to be loved just as much. I want to be just as important as she is. Same as I love him as much as I love my kids and his happiness and comfort is just as important to me as my children's.
I think men have a harder time separating those emotions than women do. You don't hear of many women treating their SO's like OP was treated with regards to the children. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:54:19 PM |
Instead of saying "I come first" or "You come first" or "My kids come first", how about if we simply say "I will take good care of my kids, and I will treat you well also." Doesn't that make more sense?
Yes, if we add the caveat: "If you (for whatever reason) force me to choose between you and my children, expect disappointment." | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:25:39 PM | I can see where the anniverysary and bed issues would come into play. YOU ARE MARRIED*well were* it shouldnt have been a problem. I sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend *when I have one* but If my daughter is home I dont to things with them. Thats just me because shes still really young and doesnt understand the stay in bed issue. As for the plans well he should have realized that anniversary are a HUGE thing to us women and if he cant leave for one weekend is he ever going to have a fulfilling relationship.
Its not wrong to miss your kids. But if ur married and on your anniversary you cant give up one weekend..thats just not fair to your spouse. Your not commiting the way your suppose to be.
You being a young woman shouldnt be involved with guys with children or getting married, just go out and have some fun. Leave the guys with kids alone until you have one of your own you may never know what having a kid means *means less u time and more them time, even if your co-parenting its still really hard to have a full life*
If ur feeling like an outsider try to fit in with them. Act like a kid *NOT 100%* but have some fun, children love playing and interaction with ppl. Show some interest. | |
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